Original subtitles

[cheers and applause]

- Y'all ever heard the saying,

"If you know better, you will do better"?

But all it takes is that one right person to tell you

to do the wrong damn thing.

Now you out here looking like a fucking fool.

[laughter]

Like when your friend told you

that tight-ass suit looked good.

Now you at the club with the sleeves so fucking tight,

y'all, look like a blood pressure cuff.

Get some scissors and cut that shit off.

Let's get this fucking show started.

[cheers and applause]

- ? We don't need to have a lot of money ?

? To have us a real good time ?

? And we ain't gotta leave in the morning ?

? The whole day, just you and I ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

- Oh, Te--oh, oh, oh.

[stammering] Terry?

I'ma need you to stop making babies with Casper.

- Oh. [laughs]

- What the hell are you wearing, baby?

- Oh, babe, James is coming to visit.

This is our outfit for my singing duo back in the day.

Ahh.

- And why does it say "WAP" on it?

You got a pussy in your pocket?

- Well, now, Denise,

you know when me and James get together,

we got to hit our... ? Doo-wap! ?

See what I'm saying? He bring the "DOO,"

I bring the "WAP."

- So you're just gonna let your husband walk around

with "WAP" on his jacket?

- Look, I was "WAP" before Cardi B, OK?

- Oh, my God. You're making it worse.

- Oh, shh.

Listen, listen, I need y'all ladies to help me clean up, OK?

'Cause I plan on beating James

in the chili cook-off tonight, yeah?

- Uh--oh, hell no. I'm not feeling good.

My gallbladder fucking up.

And so--it hurt really bad.

I ain't gonna be able to do that.

- Oh, my--

if it ain't the girl who cried gallbladder.

I ain't cleaning shit up for Terry's friend, OK?

And why I gotta clean when James is so dirty?

- Whoa, whoa, who's dirty?

What you talking about?

- You know she ain't never liked James.

- Oh, don't start with that, Denise.

- That man has always been a creepy-peepy-ass nigga.

- My friend ain't no creepier than you.

- I am not a creep.

I'm a freak.

- What's the difference?

- Well, freak is only gonna freak

when they feel like freakin'.

But a creep?

He gon' creep even if he creepin' by peekin'.

- So you're saying James is a creep

and I just missed it for 30 years?

- Come on, Denise.

James is like damn family.

- And family be the worst ones.

- Hey, look, James used to get messed up

a lot back in the day, but he's sober now.

He's settled down. He got married.

He even got kids.

- Some ugly-ass kids, too.

[doorbell chimes] - Ah.

- That's probably him.

- Denise, please try to be nice this weekend, yes?

- Terry, just open the damn door.

- All right.

- Terry! - James!

both: ? I'm cool ?

? And you're cool, and we're cool ?

Ha! - That's my boy, Doo!

- That's my nigga, "WAP"!

both: ? Doo-wap! ?

- Oh, I wish I would have died in the hospital.

- ? Come on, it's time to go ?

? It's "The Ms. Pat Show" ?

- All right, ladies and gentlemen.

On my left, the returning chili-weight champ,

Terry Carson!

- Yeah, that's my daddy.

- And on my right, the very dark-skinned Gordon Ramsay,

fresh off his TV win, James Freeman!

- What he do!

- Now, y'all just wait till y'all taste

this new seasoning mix I put together for the restaurant,

Magic Moist Mix.

Shit so wet, make you wanna slip the condom off.

- Brandon, how are we doing on the vegetables?

- I say we're coming along pretty well.

- [shouting] I said, how are we doing on vegetables, Private?

- Almost there, sir!

- "Almost" gets men killed in war, soldier!

[all shouting]

- What happened? What?

- We just died because you ain't

cut them peppers fast enough.

- How did you die?

- Are you crying, Private?

- Oh, no, it's the onions.

[both laugh]

- You know, sometime I think we should send

Junebug ass to military school.

- I live with you.

I go to war every day.

- Say, Junebug, what's this I hear

about you being on house arrest?

- It's a long story.

- Get your fucking foot off my table.

And it's not a long story.

This dummy got drunk, stole my car, and wrecked it.

The end.

- What was you thinking, boy?

- Probably the same thing you be thinking

when you get sloppy drunk.

- Denise.

- Well, I've been sober for six years now, baby.

- Then why you brought that bottle of wine?

- It's for the chili recipe.

- Well, wouldn't a sober nigga make sober chili?

- Boom! - Oh, look at that!

Junebug won.

- No, the fuck he did.

Count it again!

Fuck you get so good at dominoes, lil nigga?

- You left me in jail for two days.

I'm a goon now.

- So how's it feel to be famous, Uncle James?

- He ain't famous. He just cook on TV.

- Uh, it's a hit TV show, Pat.

- Yeah.

He's a big TikTok chef, too, Ma.

I see Unc all up and down my timeline.

The ladies love him.

- Them bitches just be hungry.

- You know, I love my fans,

but you got to be careful nowadays.

They always in my DMs talking about

they got a chili bean I can flick.

- Chili bean?

- That's the clit, Mom.

- [clears throat]

- Who--who said that?

- See, that's why I let my wife run my social media,

just so I don't get in no trouble.

- Huh, smart.

Kind of like a certified coochie repellent.

- Man, I'm happy to see that you're doing so well.

You know, if this was back in the day,

you would have handled all this success much differently, huh?

- Whoo! Who you tellin'?

You know, I'm just grateful that God let me grow

into a new and improved man.

- [fake sneezing] Bullshit!

Oh, my God, Brandon, are you shaking black pepper?

- And so let's end here for today.

How about we continue to delve into "All About Love"

for one more week, since this seems to be a class favorite?

- Oh, my God.

- Is there something wrong, Ms. Carson?

- Uh, no.

Nothing's wrong.

OK, it's just,

if Black women's literature is as expansive

as you say it is,

then why have we only been focusing on bell hooks?

- Oop! - You don't like bell hooks?

- I love bell hooks.

It's just, I thought we would have moved on by now.

- OK.

You care to share what we should have moved on to?

- Oop! - Yeah, sure.

How about Adrienne Maree Brown?

Mm, Christina Sharpe?

- You mean contemporary writers?

- I mean cutting edge, progressive, the now.

Look, we shouldn't be limited to social media,

surface levels of Black literature.

- I know that's right.

Oh, it's not that moment? OK.

- Look, I'm not trying to make a scene, OK?

I'm just saying we deserve-- - Class dismissed.

Except you, Ms. Carson.

- Look, you're still gon' help me write my paper

if he kick you out, right?

- Kick me out?

- Bye, Mr. Fine.

I mean, Mr. DeWalt.

- Professor, I am so sorry if I was out of line.

I really didn't mean any disrespect.

I'll just send it in an email next time.

I'm sorry.

Have a good day.

- You know, I like the way you think, Ms. Carson.

- Say what now?

- I said, I like the way you think.

You see, most of my students, they take my class now,

and they just stare and watch me talk.

I needed that feedback, so thank you.

Also, you mentioned a lot of really great authors.

If you don't mind, I would love a few more suggestions.

You can start at the beginning.

Ms. Carson?

Ms. Carson! - Ooh.

[chuckles] I'm sorry.

God stopped time for a moment.

[chuckling] Um, uh, sorry.

What were you saying?

- Authors. - Authors.

Authors, right, right.

- What's up, y'all?

It's your favorite chef, here with my favorite family.

Say hey, Pat.

- What's up, y'all? It's Ms. Pat.

- And I'm Goonbug.

You know, I'm fresh out-- - Hey, shut up.

There ain't nothing goon about you.

- All right, everybody.

Light the ceremonial flame.

together: ? Chili Bowl ?

? Chili Bo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ?

[vocalizing continues]

- Shut the--hey!

Look here, Chili Vanilli.

Shut the fuck up. I'm hungry.

- Do we have to wear these blindfolds?

- Yeah, I like to see what I'm putting in my mouth.

both: Since when?

- All right, y'all, just bring it on,

'cause we already know who gonna win.

Terry, because my brother-in-law makes

the best chili in the state.

And ain't no TikTok chef gonna make me change my mind.

- Silence!

Let the tasting begin.

Pat, you're up first.

Make me proud, baby.

- Hey, no interference.

- All right. - Where the bowl at?

[utensils clinking]

Where the bowl at?

- Give it--give it to me.

I--I can do it.

- Put it in my mouth. - Here.

- The fuck are you doing?

What the fuck are you feeling about my ears for?

- Hold still.

- OK, would y'all just come the fuck on?

- All right, stop, stop, stop, stop!

I got it.

Damn!

All right, Ma.

- Yes, son. - Here's A.

- OK.

[smacking]

Mm, oh.

- Uh-huh. All right.

- Mm-hmm. - Now, here is B.

- [smacking]

- Which one's your favorite?

- [smacks] B. No.

[smacking] A. Maybe--

- Hold on. Stop right there!

You got that? - I got it.

- Junebug, you up next. - All right.

Aww, you remember this, Junebug?

I used to feed you like a wittle baby.

[speaking gibberish]

- OK, you're embarrassing yourself.

Give me the spoon.

- Here's A.

- OK. - All right?

- Next. - Cool.

Yep.

Here.

This is B.

- [sniffs]

B.

- Oh.

- Mm, yeah.

- Denise, take us home.

- You know I will, T.

- All right, Auntie.

- OK. Come on.

- Here's your spoon.

Here is A.

Right here. Right here. OK, almost there.

Right--

- [spitting]

Oh!

That damn sure ain't it.

Uh-uh. That's nasty.

- All right.

Well, uh, here's B.

Right there, right there.

- OK.

All right.

- Ooh, that's meat.

Mm-hmm.

Boom!

That's the one!

OK, now that--

I know my brother-in-law's chili anywhere.

OK, B, Your Honor.

- Uncle James wins.

- Yeah! Ha! - What the--what the--

now, what the hell is going on here?

I thought that was Terry's.

- Oh, come on, Denise.

You always liked my chili.

It's OK if you want your own bowl.

- Nigga, don't touch me.

- Whoa.

- My bad.

You act like I put a thumb in your ass.

Unless that's your thing.

- OK, Terry, you better get your boy

before he find a foot in his ass.

- Look, y'all, can we just please

eat chili and get the itis like a real fucking family?

- I just lost my appetite.

- Do you always do squats at bedtime?

- Girl, my daddy ain't about to give me no money for no BBL.

And these girls ain't about to out-ass me, so--

Janelle, what you over there grinning for?

What, you got a CashApp?

- No.

- A man?

- Girl, hey!

Hey!

- This Professor DeWalt.

- I know.

- Girl!

This Professor Fine, Professor DeWalt.

- I know!

- Bitch.

What y'all be talking about up in here?

- Politics. Art as activism.

- Girl, yeah, 'cause them messages drier

than a cracker at a crouton concert.

Why you ain't putting the moves on him?

It's clear he like talking to you.

- Girl, I'm not about to mess up

my whole college career getting freaky with my professor.

- You ain't gonna mess nothing up.

You is a grown-ass woman.

And besides, he practically our age.

If Professor DeWalt was texting me like that

this late at night-- [scoffs]

It'd be DeWall, DeTable,

DeShowers, everyday all day.

- Ugh. DeNasty.

Girl, don't.

Do not. What are you-- - Here.

- What-- - Send him this.

- You want me to ask him on a date?

- It's breakfast, Janelle.

- Yeah, off campus.

- Exactly.

You can see what he's giving, get a feel of things.

- I don't know.

- Or you could just send him a picture of your feet.

- My feet?

Girl.

- I feel like Professor be into little freaky shit like that.

- I'll stick to the breakfast.

- That's my girl.

- [sighs]

All right, I might as well manifest a BBL as well.

- Faith without works is dead, girl.

- [grunts]

[phone chimes]

- What he say?

[gasps] Bitch.

DeWall, DeTable...

both: DeShowers.

- [chuckles]

- Man, I never thought we'd be the old dudes

unbuttoning our pants so our guts could breathe.

- Well, speak for yourself.

- Oh, you not?

- No, I'm not.

'Cause I got on them sweatpants that look like real jeans.

[both laugh]

- Ooh.

- Hey, look, man, I'm sorry about Denise.

I know you just be trying to be friendly,

but, uh, take it a little easy on the jokes, man.

I mean, come on.

The thumb thing, bro?

- Don't tell me you're going soft on me.

- Oh, man. - They just jokes.

You married a comedian. - Hey, hey, hey.

I'm just saying.

I know it made her feel uncomfortable, huh?

- Should I apologize?

I ain't mean nothing by it. - All right.

- You know me better than anybody.

I'm a people person, and sometimes people take that

and twist it into something it ain't.

[clears throat] That's actually, uh,

what I wanted to talk to you about.

- Ah.

See, I knew you weren't coming here

to just get your behind whooped in the Chili Bowl, huh?

What's up? - [clears throat]

You remember Private Burns?

- Private Burns?

You mean Stephanie?

- Yeah, whatever, Private Burns.

She was ranked beneath us. Anyway--

- Man, we used to hang out with her all the time.

Man, she good people.

Hey, remember how she used to knit them,

uh, warm pairs of socks when our feet would get cold?

- She's saying I raped her.

- She what? - Terry.

- What you-- what you talking about, man?

- She said it happened back in '95.

I think she seen me on TV, figured I had some money.

I'm sure she probably needs it,

but I don't know why she going this route.

I just know if the shit come out,

it could jeopardize everything I got going on.

- Man. Man, money.

It make good people do some desperate things, man.

But Stephanie?

I mean, boy, that sounds crazy.

- You know the world we live in, man.

It don't even matter if it's true.

People just take shit and run with it.

- Yeah, especially with Black men.

So what the hell you gonna do, man?

- Well, I talked to my lawyer.

He did mention something that would help.

- Like what?

- The deposition is at the Army base in a few days.

- Mm-hmm.

- I need you to be a character witness for me, Terry.

Please. It'd mean a lot.

- Oh, of course I got you, man.

- I'm the "DOO," and you the "WAP."

- Denise don't make me wanna be the "WAP" no more.

- [chuckles] - Try.

[laughs]

- Good morning, good dick.

What crawled up your ass and took a big shit?

Where's James?

- Oh, he and Brandon went to go get donuts.

- And what's wrong with you?

- Pat, you ain't gonna believe this, but--

- Dad-- - I--

- Ma, did y'all see this?

- See what?

- Would you stop showing people them videos

of Sexyy Red twerking on Frederick Douglass?

- It's of Uncle James.

Some woman on TikTok's saying he sexually assaulted her.

- Whoa, Junebug, you don't know the whole story.

- I don't, but the women in the comments section seem to.

- Boom!

I told y'all not to doubt my creep nigga Spidey senses.

- Wait, wait, wait.

All this is getting out of hand, OK?

It's his business. All right?

I don't want to turn this into a family thing.

- Well, it's on the internet now, Terry.

It's everybody damn business.

And look at this shit.

It says he out there grabbing bitches by the pussy

like the president.

- Can y'all just give me a minute

to organize my thoughts, please?

- Yeah. Go organize them.

- What happened to giving me a minute?

- It's been a minute in Africa.

- T, these comments are crazy.

It's a lady on here saying that he sniffed her hair so hard,

her lace start lifting.

- Dang.

Uncle James be getting high off dandruff?

- What we need to do, Terry,

is find out what the fuck is going on.

- Can y'all let me handle it, please?

- I'm gonna let you handle it.

- [sighs]

[indistinct conversation]

- You out here raping bitches?

- Girl, if you don't stop pulling on my skirt like that--

- I look like a clown.

- You look like a bad bitch.

- [gasps]

- Janelle.

Ja--Janelle. - Huh?

- Girl, just go in there and be yourself.

- Myself? - No.

You need to go in there and be a next Top Model.

- Top Model? OK.

- Oh, no, baby, we was rooting for you.

We was all rooting for you. Just go.

- Oh.

Ms. Carson, hey. - Hi.

- Let me get that for you. - Thanks.

- Of course.

- Oh, wow.

- Yeah, I, uh, got a few different things for us to try.

Might have got a little carried away.

- No. It's great.

I wanted to gain freshman 15 all in one meal.

- [laughs]

The guy in front of me got

the last macadamia nut cookie I wanted you to try.

I, uh, should have tackled him.

- [giggles]

- I'll get it for you next time, though.

- Yeah.

- So talk to me.

How are you enjoying Hansberry so far?

- Uh, it's actually easier than expected.

- [clearing throat]

- I mean, not--

not your class, of course.

- [chuckles] It's OK.

You are definitely one of the most well-read students

I've ever had.

- Well, I am the nerd in my family.

- I can see that.

- Hey.

- [chuckles] - Excuse me.

- Listen, you do know that it's OK to relax

and have some fun from time to time, right?

- Yeah.

I've--I've heard that before.

- "We've been raised to fear the 'yes' within ourselves,

our deepest cravings."

- Audre Lorde, "Uses of the Erotic."

That's one of my titles. Wow.

- Mm-hmm.

- Thanks for actually listening, Professor.

- Oh, when we're off campus, you can call me Chris.

- Oh.

Chris.

OK.

Um, well, Chris, I do have a question.

- OK.

- Is this a date? - [coughs]

- Oh. Oh, my God. I--

- [coughing]

- Oh, is that a date?

Is that--wow, I think that's a date.

And that's what I--

uh, OK.

- [clearing throat] Whew.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are you doing?

- I figured that we could split it.

- I'm a big boy, Janelle.

I always pay for my, uh, dates.

Your money's no good here.

- Come on, give me them donuts, James,

before you be touching them holes too.

- OK, what's--what's--

what's going on?

It's Sexyy Red and Frederick Douglass?

- Scroll up.

- Hey, Ma, why are you saying that stuff about Uncle James?

Did somebody get SA'd?

- Brandon, ain't nobody writing no damn essay.

I asked him who he been raping.

- And the answer is everybody.

- No, SA stands for sexual assault.

Sheila taught me that.

You can't just go around saying rape anymore.

- Fuck that. I've been raped.

I call it what it is, rape.

I've been shot, too.

And I say a nigga got shot.

- Y'all, please,

give me and James the room.

- No, Terry. We wanna hear this shit--

- Pat, baby, please.

- [huffs]

- See?

I get a little bit of success.

Now everybody coming out of the woodwork.

See how they do Black men?

- So all those women looking for a money grab?

- Man, in this economy?

Hell yeah. - I'm serious.

- Come on, Terry, you know me.

- Apparently I don't.

- So what, now you believe in all these women

and--and Stephanie?

Over me?

- Stephanie wasn't crazy, man.

That was our friend, James, to both of us.

Huh?

How come she quit coming around, man?

- What the hell you mean?

- The three of us were inseparable.

We ate meals together.

We--we cut loose together.

And it seems like after y'all hooked up,

she just got ghost.

How come?

- I don't know. Maybe 'cause she was a ho.

Once she got the dick from me,

she moved over to the next warm bed.

That'd be my guess.

- That's not what you said at the time, James.

- What are you talking about?

That's exactly what I said.

- No, you didn't.

You said that you two stopped

because you started seeing another woman.

Hmm?

You know, we were all thinking, you know what?

Mm, that's crazy that she would stop talking to us

just because they weren't working out together no more.

- Come on, Terry.

You know how these bitches are.

- James, did you rape Stephanie?

- Wow.

I thought we were stronger than this.

- Answer the damn question!

- I ain't rape nobody.

We had a lot to drink that night, but--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So what you saying, you were drunk?

'Cause you know how you'd get aggressive

when you used to drink.

- I'm not that person anymore!

- But you did something!

You gotta own up to it, brother!

- You wasn't talking like this last night.

We agreed.

- I agreed before I found out what the truth was.

- OK, so now you're not gonna help me

'cause of some hoes on TikTok?

- [sighs]

- I would never take someone else's word over yours, Terry.

We brothers.

- A man holds his brothers accountable.

- Nigga--

I'm the man that put his life on the line for you

more times than either one of us can count.

We're family, like a giant tree,

branching out across the sky.

She's lying, Terry.

You're letting these women get to you, man.

I knew it was going downhill when you told me

you started gardening and shit.

- Everybody like fresh tomatoes, bitch.

- You gonna throw away 30 years of friendship over this?

Huh?

Man, fuck you, Terry.

There's much more worse people in this world than me.

Denise, you always been screwed up.

- Nigga-- - Hold on now.

- And Pat-- - Hey.

- It's not my fault you let some nigga rape you.

- Hey! [thud]

- Wait a mother--

[sighs]

[laughs]

Oh, fuck, man. OK. OK, brother.

- Get the fuck away from my family.

- OK. - Yeah, OK.

- [sighs]

Yeah, fuck you niggas. - Say what?

What'd you say? Hey. Come on.

Well, guess I gotta put that vest to rest, huh?

- Ooh, Terry, the way you whooped that nigga ass, baby,

it was sexy as hell. - I know.

- I might go ahead and clip your toenails tonight.

- Shit. [chuckles]

- Ma, please, OK?

Some of us are trying to enjoy our predator chili in peace.

- But, Terry, he was the "DOO,"

and you was the WAP-WAP-WAP, WAP, WAP,

WAP-WAP-WAP, WAP, WAP.

WAP-WAP-WAP, WAP.

- Man, I hate we had to jump Uncle James, man.

I'm really gonna miss his chili.

Do we hate him now?

- Hey, Brandon, there ain't no hate up in this family, man.

There's too much hate in the world as it is, you know?

Sometimes you just gotta let people go.

- Man, I bet he gonna pay these women to go away

and ain't gon' learn a damn thing.

- Denise, I owe you an apology.

Yep, you tried to check me about James's behavior

for years, and I ain't never listened to you.

I am sorry, sis.

- It's all right, T.

I just really want these women to find some peace.

- Baby, she gonna get a piece of that TV money.

- [chuckles]

- I bet he's not even gonna go to jail.

- Nope.

That's why I'm about to write these reviews

on his restaurant Yelp page,

saying that he put his dick and his balls in the food.

- Ooh, Terry, make me some of that chili.

- Ooh, let's get to cooking now.

[chuckles]

- Y'all just-- - I can't eat no more.

- I'm done. This--

- Nigga, dick-and-ball chili is how you got here.

- What's wrong?

- "I'm going to write fire

"until it comes out of my ears, my eyes,

"my nose holes, everywhere.

I'm going to go out like a fucking meteor."

Audre Lorde.

Bars.

Until next time, please--

hey, please hand in your responses on time.

You too. On time.

- Audre Lorde. That's your girl.

See? He do like you for real.

Now go give him that cookie you got him.

- [clears throat]

- So I did good, huh?

- What, your job?

What, you want a cookie?

- Actually, yes, huh?

- Huh.

- You--what? [zipper unzipping]

- Hold on. - You got a--

- OK. Hold on.

- [laughing] Stop.

Nah.

They had the macadamia nut?

- They had the macadamia nut.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- That's sweet.

Thank you.

Oh, Janelle.

- "Fear of our desires keeps them suspect

and indiscriminately powerful."

- ? She's a grown-ass woman

? And she don't take no stuff ?

? She's a grown-ass woman ?

? And you can't get enough ?

? She's a grown-ass woman ?

? With a husband and kids ?

? She's a grown-ass woman ?

? And it's "The Ms. Pat Show" ?

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