Original subtitles

Are you telling me that 70% of our drones don't work in the rain?

Well, they do now.

We attached little umbrellas.

Good work, Muldoon.

Right, thank you very much, everyone.

Now, Chief, I just wanted to check how you were holding up

under the investigation.

Oh, it's not an investigation, Lyndsey. No.

No, just as part of my contract renewal,

the Police Federation are conducting a cursory check into my past.

Why would they do that, sir?

Well, to reassure the Scottish public that their police force

are beyond reproach.

It was on my recommendation, actually,

after we renewed, er, Malcolm McGuire's contract.

Bent Malcolm?

Mm. Excellent policeman, first-rate,

but he was selling stolen goods on Facebook Marketplace, so...

We should have seen the clues.

I mean, we are the police.

Yeah, well, hindsight's 20-20, Muldoon.

Anyway, it's a formality, a box tick.

Got it, sir.

No. No winking.

This is a wink-free scenario.

It is... It's purely protocol.

Protocol?

Understood.

No, don't... No nose-tapping!

Listen, sir, if something comes up in your past -

say you left the boot in for too long -

we've all done it, different times -

I will back you, gaffer.

I'll make sure and keep it zipped.

No, don't zip. No zipping.

My character and conduct are beyond reproach!

That's good to know, sir.

If that's a supportive wink, then I accept THAT wink.

You'll skoosh it, Chief.

There's no Wallace behaviour in your past.

Oh, Gregg Wallace, the pudding boy.

No. Absolutely not.

No, no, I respect women of a certain age.

Of... all ages.

All women, all people.

But particularly all... women-people.

Thank you, women-people.

That will be all.

SIREN WAILS

Morning, Cameron.

Ah, Lachlan, Belinda.

Beautiful day for padel.

You should join us one day, Cameron.

Oh, I'd love to.

I've just got to get my head round

whether it's little tennis or big ping-pong.

LAUGHTER

Oh, one thing.

Have you managed to talk to your daughter yet about...

VEHICLE APPROACHES

ENGINE SPUTTERS

This country is a joke!

You end up in court over nothing!

Nothing! The system is rigged!

It's unbelievable!

Court, eh?

To be honest, she's on first-name terms

with most of the staff down there.

So is our daughter.

Oh, well, then you know what I'm talking about.

Kids, eh? Of course...

She's an advocate.

Oh, right. She's a...

Oh, she's Samantha Bannerman-Crawford?

Right. Well, well done. Good for her. Good for you.

Tacking back to the matter in hand...

The van.

We don't want her to get rid of her beliefs.

Of course not. She's young. We were young.

We get it. We get it. We were all there.

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie... Out, out, out.

And I boycotted South African orange juice.

And even today, I listened to Kneecap on Spotify.

The van.

It was a major topic in the last residents' association meeting.

Major AOB.

So much AOB that the AOB had AOB.

And the AOB was the van?

Can you see where we're coming from?

I understand, Lachlan.

I grew up a mere faded nine-iron from here.

The only... The only van in our cul-de-sac delivered langoustine,

oysters and hand-dived scallops.

I'll have a word with her.

She was talking about driving to China to help the Uyghurs anyway.

Or driving to Cardiff to see the Ezra Collective.

Either way, it's maybe time to go where the tyres press.

Well, that's great news.

Oh, we're having a B-B-Q this week.

Would you and Ellen like to join us?

Oh, we would be delighted, yes.

Any dietary requirements?

Well, Ellen is a strict vegan.

But to compensate, I'll eat anything that bleeds!

I can't believe you'd rather cosy up to a slave owner

than stand up for your own daughter.

What?!

He's a Bannerman-Crawford!

Tobacco lord! Plantation boss! Slave owner!

He's not a slave owner!

His ancestors, maybe, hundreds of years ago.

His wealth is inherited.

It's tainted.

You can't judge someone purely on their ancestors.

Otherwise, you'd be Scotland's greatest cop.

I'm also striving for justice.

Historic justice.

Please, these are my people.

I belong here.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

Can't you just park your principles for five seconds?

Nope. I literally can't go anywhere.

You're tagged?

I'm under curfew order. Couldn't pay the fine.

For what?

For providing vital historical context!

Oh, right, so you vandalised a statue?

Great. So, now, I'm not only your father, I'm your jailer.

HE SIGHS

My own daughter tagged like a cheap bottle of voddy in Tesco's.

Unless YOU pay the fine.

No, no, that is a red line I do not cross.

You got into this situation, you get out of it.

Now, I need a couple of rounds of Epoisses.

Get yourself down to Charlie's cheesemonger... Ah, ah, ah.

HE SIGHS

Right, I'll go.

Thought they would have completed their background check by now.

What's keeping them?

Och, you know what the Police Federation are like,

Chief, dragging their heels.

I've said it before, I will back you, sir.

If you've dangled a wee radge out a ten-storey window -

we've all done it.

I... Now you're doubling up! The wink and the nose-tap!

Don't double up!

My behaviour is and always has been exemplary.

I think you should know that a few of the boys have been saying

that maybe something nefarious has came to light.

No smoke without fire.

No stink without keech.

There's no smoke, no fire.

No stink, no keech.

OK, sir, I will work to shut the rumours down.

Thank you. What rumours?

Well, I'm not saying there's anything behind it, Chief,

but, er...

..bigamy.Bigamy?

I can't even get ONE wife!

Have you heard this, Muldoon?

No, sir.Good.

I heard you were selling dodgy Mounjaro on the dark web.

Oh, fat chance of that.

Just shut these rumours down, Muldoon.

And, Lyndsey, see if you can find out why the Police Federation

are taking so long.

Scan the horizon for smoke signals.

Chief! You can't say that!

Is this yours?

Certainly not.

When there is an investigation into your historical behaviour...

A routine protocol box tick.

..and I am sent this anonymously,

then it is logical to conclude it's from some kind of whistle-blower.

"Logical"?

Hmm. Someone trying to tell me that the Chief

behaved inappropriately at the Christmas party.

And you didn't, for a moment, think that maybe someone

was trying to tell you that YOU'RE an arse?

Er... Suppose that is plausible as well.

Or maybe someone saying we're making an arse of running the country.

I can't believe you thought that was mine.

Mine has heft and definition.

I'm Michelangelo's David, not some slack-arsed saddo from accounts.

Well, we need you to sort it out, Chief. Hmm?

Tamp down the rumours. They're... They're getting out of hand.

Well, what have you heard?

Selling stolen goods on Facebook Marketplace.

No, that's Bent Malcolm.

You've got... You've got your scandals mixed up!

Not that there's a scandal involving me.

It's tittle-tattle.

I'm having to defend you to the First Minister.

There's nothing to defend!

HE SIGHS

Well, take some jalebis if you want.

My nephew just got his HGV licence.

Send him my congratulations.

So, Ellen, why the bracelet?

I vandalised a statue on Hunter Square.

What?

Giving it vital historical context.

That's a Bannerman-Crawford! It's one of ours!

One of yours.

Don't worry about the statue, Ellen.

That old bastard blackened the family name.

I'll join you next time!

LAUGHTER

That's not funny.

It's not funny.

All of this was paid for by slavery.

Hardly.

I'm a senior partner with Anderson, McGrory, McLeish and Matheson.

I earn my own money.

Slavery created a system of wealth accumulation

for slave owners and their descendants.

I do find myself conflicted.

We give back what we can.

I soup kitchen and I litter pick on The Meadows.

Charity doesn't address the root cause of social problems.

You know, you're just a...

Aha, curfew time, sadly!

Yes, let's... let's get you home before you start buzzing

like your table's ready at the Toby Carvery.

Look, look, look,

I am sorry that you don't like staring at my van,

but I don't like staring at Slavery Towers!

Heh, Slavery Tow...

That was her favourite Enid Blyton when she was...

..when she was a little girl.

Ellen! Ellen!

It's their family history. Can't you just look the other way?

What, like they won't with my van?

What are you looking for, Chief?

Mm, I'm trying to find out if my neighbours have a legal right

to remove Ellen's van.

Title Conditions 2003 Act, sir.

Ah, thank you, Muldoon.

Did you ever have troublesome neighbours?

Not too bad now, sir, but when I was wee,

one boy stoved in our wall and nicked our telly,

but it was the World Cup qualifier, so fair play to him.

He suffered plenty in the end.

Retribution - scheme justice.

Norway beat us 4-0.

Dodgy neighbours, eh, sir?

Do you want us to go and pay them a visit?

Don't start that. We don't need to bring a wink into this.

Well, we could speak to them...

Hey, hey, hey! No nose-tap either.

Paul.

Any emails from the Federation?

All quiet on that particular front, sir.

It's a box tick. Why the delay?

Were you one of the dwarves in the Christmas panto '93?

Do... How do you know that?

Reddit forum. There's a discussion on you.

It was a different time, Paul.

Somebody also says that they saw you scanning apples as tatties in Lidl.

Who'd start a Reddit forum on me?

I did.

Well, I thought I'd smoke out some info.

Plus, I've been adding some positive stuff

under a variety of aliases.

Such as?

Er... "He's a confident and impressive tipper."

"I have personally seen him stroke a puppy."

"He looks very distinguished in the lambent evening light."

I mean, all of this is true, Paul.

I don't know. A Reddit forum, I think it's counterproductive.

When you're trying to smoke something out,

you don't go barging in with a flame-thrower. Nah.

Close it down.

Got it.

Kamchatka, attack.

HE GROANS

Kamchatka, attack.

Ugh!

Attack, attack...

..attack.

- Ugh. - SHE CHUCKLES

Surrender?

No. No, actually, let's just take a break.

We'll come back to it.

My luck's going to change soon.

I'm surprised you even play this game, Ellen, you know -

Empire building, subjugation, warmongering.

I've got to do something.

I'm so bored, kicking around the place, stuck with you.

Well, straight back at you, kid.

I'm stuck with you too!

Er, it is worse for me.

I'm young and you're half dead already.

People at your age are meant to be stuck at home,

moaning about interest rates

and falling asleep during reruns of Bargain Hunt.

I am YEARS from retirement, young lady.

Unless they find something.

Come on, let's play Subbuteo. Keep my mind off things. Come on.

I don't get it. It's so random.

- How do you make them kick? - HE SIGHS

How many times have I got to tell you?

They don't kick, you flick 'em! Flick 'em!

And you flick the goalie too?

No, you... You kind of...

You stab, you kind of wiggle and stab, wiggle and stab.

This was like Xbox for boomers.

Ah, very popular in my day, Ellen.

We also had rugby and cricket.

Nothing for the lassies, of course... Hmm.

..so my poor wee sister, she had to pretend

that Donald Ford and Drew Busby were Torvill and Dean.

HE VOCALISES BOLERO

What if they have found something?

Oh, God, what would I do?

What sort of job would I get at my age?

Uncle Geoff went back to work at Iceland.

From proudly guarding a nation

to freezing my balls off, stacking fish fingers in a walk-in chiller?

I don't think so.

You could probably make a living on the lecture circuit.

Ahh... That's more my speed.

Yes, the lecture circuit.

"I thought the Chief's speech was very good, Sheena."

"Yes, so did I, Margaret, and he's really kept his looks, hasn't he?"

"Kept them? If anything, he's better looking!"

HE GROANS

Are you all right, Dad?

Oh, no, it's the Bannerman-Crawfords.

They're on the attack.

We might have to join forces - your 50 battalions and my one piece.

Come on.

So, residents' association last night.

We'd done with the AOB of the AOB when a spot of AOB came up.

Let me guess...

The van - and a possible solution.

Ellen, Belinda and I are firmly of the opinion

that charity begins at home.

And under the circumstances, the crescent have clubbed together...

..and we're happy to pay your fine.

Oh, so you're going to buy me like you bought your slaves?

Oh, not that again.

Come on, please, just take it.

I'm not taking your blood money.

Ha-ha, the passion of youth!

One man's blood money is another man's

legitimately inherited largesse, Ellen.

I can't be bought!

Well, that'll be a first for YOUR family.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, it's all over the crescent.

It's only a rumour, Lachie.

You're being investigated for taking kickbacks.

Who told you that?

Samantha works with a clerk who knows a chef who works in chambers

and he overheard an MSP talking to the Procurator Fiscal.

It's a box-ticking obligation as part of my contract renewal!

Please, just take the money.

Some of the residents are getting worried about house prices!

This is the pinnacle of postcodes after all.

Did you make this?

No.

Because it's not polite, is it?

If it was polite, it would say "please".

Please just move it!

Please!

We don't want it here!

People are upset!

Husbands and wives are falling out.

Belinda and I are falling out!

Menzies Radford-Brooks is in his bed right there, dying.

Dying.

Do you understand? He's in that house, lying in his bed,

and his dearest wish was that the last thing he would see

would be his beautiful cornicing.

His beautiful Victorian cornicing on his spacious 15ft ceiling.

But, no, the last thing he'll see is not his beautiful cornicing,

it'll be that bloody van!

Well, maybe you should take some of your legitimately inherited largesse

and buy him some blackout blinds!

Ellen!

You have tried your best.

Lyndsey, Lyndsey, any news? Any updates?

Are you OK? I want you to feel supported.

How's your mental health?

Well, currently not great!

This delay, it just doesn't make any sense.

My character and conduct are beyond reproach.

Can you think of anything, anything at all from your past

that might be a bit... dodge?

The only thing I can think of...

..is that time I misgendered one of the police dogs.

How do you misgender a police dog?

Well, it's easily done.

It was the Canine Bravery Awards at Linlithgow,

and I'd just hung the medal round Shadow's neck,

and I referred to him as "one hell of a brave bitch".

His handler not best pleased.

Check before you speak, Chief. It's the golden rule.

I'm the leading law enforcement officer in the land.

I can't be crawling around on all fours

lifting the tail of every Alsatian I come across.

HE SIGHS

It's easier with horses.

I've never misgendered a horse.

Well, no, because their bits and pieces...

Well, they're head height, aren't they? You can't miss...

They're staring you in the face. Yeah, you can't miss...

HE SIGHS

No. So, yeah, well, it can't have been that because I...

..I would have been told.

OK, well, keep your ear to the ground.

You hear anything, get on the jungle drums.

Chief!Hmm?

You can't say that.

Oh, no. Yeah, sorry.

I am never going to that canteen again.

It's like running the gauntlet!

Rumours flying like I'm Indiana Jones

dodging the blow darts.

"Oh, here comes the Chief!"

Yeah? Oh...

Oh, sir...

Oh, no, that's dice!

Gambling.

Yeah, just go home, relax.

I can't go home.

They'll be waiting for me.

"Oh, Cameron, have you found the time to move the van yet?"

I thought the crescent would be my haven, my sanctuary.

Can't you just move the van?

Well, if I move the van, then Ellen thinks I'm a fascist,

and if I don't move the van, then my neighbours think I'm a communist.

HE SIGHS

I just wish that bloody van would disappear.

Sir, I need you to authorise raids on organised crime gangs

and suspected drug boats.

Some of these are months away.

Aye, well, Justice thought we should get authorisation, just in case.

Just in case of what?

The investiga...

Sorry.

..cursory background check is dragging on.

There's succession planning...

..behind my back. Worse, in front of my front.

Belt and braces, I'm sure, sir.

This has all worked out rather well for you, Muldoon, hasn't it?

What do you mean, sir?

"Oh, I'll shut down the rumours, sir."

Maybe you started them.

I have never been anything but supportive of you, sir.

Did the Federation question you about me?

Yes.And what did you say?

That's confidential, sir.

"In my years of service,

"I have never witnessed even a suggestion

"of inappropriate behaviour from the Chief Commissioner.

"Hard-working, loyal. He's an inspirational leader."

No wink? No wink.

"He's dedicated his life to public service.

"He's a consumate professional."

"Consummate" has two Ms, Muldoon.

Oh. Thank you, sir.

Oh, no.

Thank you, Muldoon.

Ellen! What have you done now?

Nothing!

Two cops turned up and covered up my van.

Thought it was your idea.

No.

Oh, Paul!

LINE RINGS

Do you like the tent, Chief? Problem solved.

Obviously I appreciate it, but I...

Oh, Lachlan, Belinda.

What do you think? Are you happy now?

It looks like there's been a murder.

Or worse, the SNP have moved in!

Out of sight, out of mind.

Now, Menzies can see out his final days

in the company of his beautiful cornicing.

I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but the residents' association have authorised me

to take next steps.

What do you mean, "next steps"?

Breaching a title condition

in the Title Conditions Act 2003.

Expect to hear from our lawyer.

Legal action, eh?

Now they're threatening legal action against me, the People's Chief,

all because of you and your bloody van!

Right, that's it.

I'm done. I'm paying your fine.

You don't need to.

My period of monitoring ended two days ago.

I'm a free woman.

Can leave when I like.

Well, why haven't you?

Uh, I'm not letting the crescent win!

Oh, the sky is blue, the grass is green

and the crescent always wins!

DOORBELL RINGS

Ugh, what do they want now?

Cameron, is there anything I should be worried about?

Anything I should prepare myself for?

Was our whole marriage a sham?

Are you gay?

I'm not gay!

Well, there was that guy that time in Magaluf, remember?

You went to the wrestling together.

Big Frank?

I think this is projection, Barbara.

You were the one getting him to slather sun lotion on your back.

I couldn't reach.

And you were asleep, snoring away,

the latest John Grisham sliding off your belly.

Barbara, you've got nothing to worry about.

You're stressed.

Maybe it's time to step back, step down.

No, no!

This whole thing has made me realise that I need to work!

I'm not ready for retirement!

Being trapped by the crescent!

A life of barbecues and a nice pork pie and a pint

before wandering down to Murrayfield and gallery openings,

and, "Oh, you must come and stay in our divine villa in Tuscany!"

and "Oh, there's an extraordinary production of The Steamie

"at the Traverse!"

and petty little disputes about a van!

My world has shrunk, Barbara,

from leading a proud nation's crime-fighting force

to a petty little dispute about a van!

PHONE VIBRATES

It's the Justice Minister.

Oh, well, they've obviously found something.

That's it. They've found something.

I mean, if it was good news, he'd tell me in person.

No, it's bad news by email.

Dumped by text.

New boob job, Insta.

This could still be good news, Cameron.

I'm an innocent man, Barbara,

and I've been brought down by trumped-up charges!

Cameron, man up!

Whatever it is, face it.

Hello, Minister.

DOORBELL RINGS, HORN HONKS

What's that? Sorry, could you speak up?

There's a bit of a commotion at my end...

Looks like the press. I...

DOORBELL RINGS

Sorry, what was that? Could you say that again?

Say again?

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

Please, please, I am delighted that you are all here.

It saves you coming down to headquarters for the announcement

that the routine box-tick protocol glimpse has concluded

and I am fully exonerated.

My character and conduct are beyond reproach,

and you will be delighted to hear that I am to continue

in my position as the Chief.

Your Chief.

The People's Chief.

So why did it take so long?

Ah, a simple misunderstanding.

Malcolm McGuire - or Bent Malcolm as the Fourth Estate

have christened him - named his six-bedroom Marbella villa

Miekelson Mansions.

This was a disrespectful dig at myself and not,

as the Police Federation wrongly assumed, a tribute.

So you're off the hook?

Ah, I was never ON the hook.

It's not that it's not not proven,

I am not guilty.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

REPORTERS CLAMOUR Now, now, please, please, please.

I have a nation to police.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Now that you're actually leaving, well...

..I'm going to miss you.

Going to miss you too.

But it's time.

Best I leave you with your people.

But... what if these aren't my people?

What if your people turn out to be someone else's people?

Maybe YOU'RE my people.

I am your people, Dad.

But trust me, these are way more your people.

Bon voyage, Ellen.

Is it the Uyghurs or the Ezra Collective?

Oh, both. I'm working the charity stall outside the gig.

Well, have a great trip.

Here, have some of Belinda's focaccia for your journey.

Oh!

Erm, is this the one that's laced with the truffle oil from...

Piedmont, yes.

Erm, no, thank you.

They use Lagotto Romagnolo dogs to find the truffles,

erm, so, yeah, it's exploitative.

So, I'll, erm...

I'll find a parking space for the van down at the station

when you're back.

Ah. Ah.

Good luck. Thanks, Dad.

HORN HONKS

ENGINE SPUTTERS

CLANK!

Ohhh!

ENGINE HISSES

Oh, come on! Oh, come on!

- BANG! - Just start!

Tell you what, I'll pop down to Charlie's Cheesemongers

and get her some Epoisses to go with that focaccia.

ELLEN SHOUTS IN DISTANCE

HORN HONKS

BANG!

Shaking Body by Ezra Collective

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0