Original subtitles

"As Aristotle said, knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom,

"but this is about you, the great Scottish public,

"getting to know me - who I am,

"why I am.

"And no-one better knows the I of who I am than me.

"I'm Cameron Miekelson.

"I was born for greatness,

"born to serve,

"born for justice."

APPLAUSE

Ah!

9:30 and we've already got the foreword in the bag.

Dougray Scott, you are a pro, sir.

Well, I hope I'm capturing some of the you in there.

Brother from another mother.

You were always my first choice, Mr Scott.

You bring my sense of command,

intelligence, gravitas.

If I had one... I hesitate to use the word "note".

One little torch beam to guide you on your way -

sexier.

Chief, remember, Mr Scott is away at 6:00.

Oh, we'll be done long before then.

And you wrote all this yourself, Chief? Every word.

That way, I can guarantee

that it's 100% honest, truthful and accurate.

In your own time, Dougray.

OK.

"My childhood was tough.

"Home was a modest, detached Victorian villa in Corstorphine.

"As a family of five,

"we were all forced to share the same Aga.

- "The fires of injustice..." - DOOR BUZZES

Sorry, sir, but I need a word.

Oh, sorry, Dougray.

Muldoon, we're recording the audiobook of my autobiography here!

I know you are, sir,

and I'm very much looking forward to reading it.

Or having it read to you by a bona fide A-lister?

Aye. Sir, I need to talk to you

about the opening of the Safe Drug Consumption Facility.

Do they do deliveries?

PAUL LAUGHS

Deliveries... It's no laughing matter, pal.

Drug-taking is against the law.

And the government are as good as saying,

"Come away in. Chop out a few. Don't mind us."

Muldoon, I've cleared my diary for this,

left you in charge, and you're down here already?

Sorry, sir, but I just need your advice.

MIEKELSON SIGHS

Sorry, Dougray. I've got to step out

for a quick strategy powwow with my deputy.

Shall we just crack on with the recording?

I'd rather you didn't, if that's OK with you.

Every word is vitally important to me.

Every colon, semicolon and umlaut.

Is there an umlaut?

There is, actually. Page 357 -

when I tell Helmut Kohl that his reaction is "ubertrieben".

That's over the top, Muldoon.

I'll be quick as I can.

DOOR BUZZES

You're, er...

You're doing very well, Mr Scott.

Sounds fire.

Thank you, Paul.

Could you do something amazing for me?

It's my sister's hen night, and she's a massive stan.

Like, major.

Is there any way you could pop along to the Voodoo Lounge and say hi?

I'm on a flight to LA. I don't think the plane will wait for me.

Fine. No stress.

So you could maybe record a video?

Shall we just do the book first?

Well, the Chief did say to wait till he gets back.

We're on the clock, Paul.

Oh, OK. Um...

Let's go rogue!

So this next passage coming up

is from when the Chief was a wee boy.

Just imagine the Chief,

but, like, much, much smaller, with hair.

I know what a wee boy is, Paul.

Of course. Yep.

Right. Um...

And...

..action.

So what's the issue?

I thought the opening of this Safe Drug Facility was months away.

They moved it forward.

Yeah, well, you know what junkies are like.

Desperate to get tore in.

We need to make a statement outlining the police position ASAP -

get it online and out in the media.

Well, it's a government initiative.

We support it.

But we shouldn't! It's a place where wee jakeys can shoot up

and we're supposed to turn a blind eye.

It's a facility where people can safely consume drugs

in the presence of trained health professionals.

Drug-taking is illegal.

Yes, but the SDCF makes it legal.

It's like a bar in a Scottish airport at 6:00 in the AM.

Normal rules don't apply!

So you chug down a Staropramen with a Jagerbomb chaser.

OK, sir.

I'll draft up a cautious statement of support,

as long as we can... Yes, yes.

Outside the facility,

if you take a drug, you're straight to the jug.

Muldoon.

Together, we will win this war on drugs...

..or legalise them all.

Whatever works!

Look, I've got to get back.

The tome waits for no man.

Actually, that's quite good. I'll...

I'll try and work that in.

"I was just a small boy.

"My ambition was to be a policeman..."

DOOR BUZZES

"but how could I achieve this impossible dream?

"Nervously, I entered my father's study and asked him,

"'Do you know of any way I could join the police force,

"'Chief Superintendent Miekelson?'"

A little bit of early morning mutiny?

Well, I just thought that we should crack on, Chief.

Well, I'll let it slide.

Sounded excellent.

No notes.

Now, Dougray, for this next section,

we move forward in time to Edinburgh in the 1980s

and the skag epidemic.

You get to embody the true hero of the Trainspotting era -

a fearless young police officer - myself.

Take it away.

"Leith, 1985.

"I had the miscreant cornered in his bedsit hellhole.

"The sweat was pishing aff

- "the doss radge bam." - DOOR BUZZES

So sorry I'm late, Chief.

Gaelic helpline bot teething troubles.

Oh, it's not still autocorrecting to Latvian?

Abair burach!

HE SIGHS

Dougray! Ah! I had Lyndsey McLeod,

my head of diversity, equity and inclusion,

give the manuscript a quick sensitivity read.

We don't want to startle the Gen Zedders.

I've highlighted all the problematic areas in red.

So, for example, here,

maybe we could try and steer clear of the B-word.

What, bam?

It's the language of the streets!

We need to be wary of oversensitivity, Lyndsey.

Carry on, Dougray.

"The sweat was pishing aff the doss radge bam.

"The nutjob might as well have had 'junkie' tattooed on his forehead.

"He had a mouth like a donkey's gash."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chief, that is a major red pen.

That's how people spoke back then!

It's authentic, raw, gritty.

The G-word is one of the most offensive terms there is.

You'll get cancelled. Your book will get pulped.

It'll be in the bin

with My Booky Wook and The Best Of P Diddy.

Don't forget Michelle Mone's My Fight To The Top.

What's... What's the problem?

No problems,

as long as we change bam to B-word,

radge to R-word,

nutjob to the N-word...

No, that will complicate things.

So if we could change nutjob to headcase

and headcase to H-word.

We could record two versions.

We could record three versions for super-duper safety.

Why don't you just put a warning sticker on the dust jacket?

"Contains trigger words".

Ah!

Like parental guidance recommended kind of thing.

I'd be like Ice-T,

but without all the cop killing.

Yeah, that could work.

Excellent idea, Dougray.

Paul, order the stickers and have them print up

some "Winner of the Baillie Gifford Prize for Non-Fiction"

while you're about it.

Thank you. Continue, Dougray.

Crack on.

Sorry. Press on.

"Leith, 1985.

"I had the miscreant cornered in his bedsit hellhole.

"The sweat was pishing aff

"the doss radge bam."

- PHONE RINGS - Oh, sorry.

Sorry, Dougray. Two minutes. Got to take this.

You answer to Hollywood,

I answer to Holyrood.

Justice Minister.

- Hello! - DOOR BUZZES

Mr Scott. As a slogan for a hen night sash,

which slays better -

"the hen is a ten" or "the bride's a ride"?

Working hard, Chief?

Always, Minister.

Fighting crime 24/7.

I heard you were recording your autobiography.

Currently fighting crime through the medium of literature.

Right, down to business.

Onto this Safe Drugs Consumption Facility.

My deputy is drafting our statement even as we speak.

Good. This is important for us.

The FM wants our ducks in a row on this one.

Even though some of our ducks are floating downstream,

tripping off their beaks.

Understood. When it comes to safe drugs consumption,

we need to be playing the right mood music.

We'll blast White Lines outside the facility,

but inside, it's Sorted For E's & Wizz.

We're dancing to your tune, Minister.

Glad to hear it, Chief.

Good luck with the statement and good luck with your book.

Luck! Was Dickens lucky?

Did he sclaff one in off the post?!

But rest assured, Minister,

right now, this drug facility statement

is my absolute number-one top priority.

"It was a charity game.

"I passed to King Kenny and he said,

"Chief, you could have turned pro."

"Yes, I admit mistakes were made,

"but they were someone else's mistakes."

"I learnt later that I am only one of seven people in the country

who are privileged enough to call King Charles The Chuckster."

Excellent work, Dougray.

We're flying.

Now, moving on to one of the most famous cases

in my long and distinguished career,

when I single-handedly arrested

notorious gang leader and psycho-bam, Wee Toldo MacLeish.

Wasn't that DI MacPherson?

No. No. Why do you say that?

Well, because I played MacPherson in a BBC Two adaptation

about that whole... That was a terrible series!

Shocking research.

Honestly, one call to me, and I'd have put them straight.

It was me. I've cornered Wee Toldo in his Pilton lair.

In your own time.

"I could hear Toldo's distinctive voice from within.

"'Oh, no, it's Miek. He's on his own,

"'but Miek doesnae need backup, ken.

"'Miek's total barry in a swedge, ken.'"

Excuse me, Dougray. Sorry.

Wee Toldo had a slightly higher voice than that.

It was a wee bit more...

"Miek doesnae need backup, ken.

"Miek's total barry in a swedge, ken."

"Miek doesnae need backup, ken.

"Miek's total barry in a swedge, ken."

One more for me, and really lean into the nasal.

"Miek doesnae need backup, ken.

"Miek's total barry in a swedge, ken."

"Miek doesnae need backup, ken.

"Miek's total barry in a swedge, ken."

That's the magic right there.

And in this next bit, I just wanted to check

this is what Wee Toldo actually said. Yes.

It's very specific dialogue.

Well, I have a photographic memory.

Total recall. OK, well, you've got him cornered.

He's looking at ten-stretch minimum.

And in the middle of being arrested, he said... How it's written

is exactly what he said.

OK.

"As I cuffed him, the doss radge considered my visage.

"'I've only seen photos of you before, Miekelson.

"'You're much better-looking in the flesh.'"

- Now you're cooking, big boy. - DOOR BUZZES

Sorry, Chief. Could I have a word?

Oh, sorry. Two ticks, Dougray.

Keep it nasal. Keep it nasal!

So what's the problem now, Muldoon?

It's the skag shed.

The trip tenement, the gear gaff.

The bam bothy, yes.

I'm finding it difficult to find a tone between supporting it

and also pointing out we think it's pish.

OK, Muldoon. I think what this calls for

is the old tried-and-tested pro/con thumb slalom.

Thumb slalom, sir?

Willing to support the initiative - thumb up.

Legitimate concerns - thumb down.

Needs supporting data - thumb in the middle.

Don't just come out and say we support the initiative.

Contextualise it.

Do the fudge.

Fudge it. Aye, right, sir.

Take my word for it. I've been thumbing for years.

Ah! Mad Daisy.

Shouldn't it be Crazy Daisy?

Hey, Chief. Just not quite sure how to pronounce this word here.

Er... "Scood gay go ae"?

Oh, no. That's quite straightforward.

It's bam for, "What school did you go to?"

Scoo jae go ae?

Rising at the end.Scoo jae go ae.

Scoo jae go ae.

Just a little quicker. Scoo jae go ae.Scoo jae go ae.

Scoo jae go ae. Scoo jae go ae.

OK, let's break it down.

Scoo.Scoo. Jae.Jae.

Go.Go. Ae.Ae.

Put it together. Scoo jae go ae. Scoo jae go ae.

No, scoo jae go ae! That's what I'm saying!

I'm saying, "Scoo jae go ae."

Listen, I am fluent in bam. Well, so am I.

We had a bamologue coach on Irvine Welsh's Crime.

With respect, we're dealing with real policing here,

not some fictional flimflam.

I learnt it at source on the mean streets of Pilton,

not doing a Duolingo course in my suite at The Balmoral.

Right.

One more time.

Scoo jae go ae?

Scoo jae go ae?

That's the one.

Quit while we're ahead. The boy's seen better days.

He's a couple of years from panto, this one.

Er... I can hear you.

Talkback's open.

Sorry, Dougray!

I mean one of the mega pantos, the Hydro.

You wouldn't be kicking about Kirkcaldy.

"I make no apologies for the way I am.

"I'm sorry. That's just how it is."

"At the charity event,

"Bob Maclntyre admired my drive and remarked,

"You could have turned pro, Chief."

"This was 1980s policing.

"Did we sometimes use force? Yes.

"Did we sometimes bend the rules?

"Yes.

"But did we get results?

"Sometimes."

OK, Dougray, with one eye on the clock here,

we need to pick up the pace a little.

But be sure to give this section

the sensuality it deserves.

In your own time.

"As Barbara looked at me, I knew she had one thing on her mind -

"copulation.

"And I was a lucky cop."

Dougray, I just wanted to check that you were comfortable

with this level of, um, erotica.

I'm trained in sensitive scenarios at the workplace.

I'm happy to act as an intimacy coordinator.

He's fine!

Dougray got the little fella out in A Thousand Kisses Deep.

This is base camp for Dougray.

So you did.

Um...It's fine.

I've got everything I need. I'm happy to push on.

"My resistance was futile.

"I gave myself utterly to Barbara.

"If my body was Edinburgh Castle,

"I surrendered it to this one-woman invading force.

"She mounted my battlements, traversed my turrets,

"ravished my ramparts, went up my mound,

"and then she stoked my One O'Clock Gun.

"My cannon was cocked,

"primed to explode, bursting to boom,

"detonating hot balls of bliss.

"Barbara, my femme fatale."

PHONE RINGS

Barbara.

Yes, he's here.

Why is it Barbara?

Because I sent her the manuscript

to make sure she was comfortable with everything.

Well, obviously, I was going to...

Why did you have to do...? Ah!

Barbara!

Hello.

I've just finished reading your manuscript,

and I'm really not sure about some of it.

Really? Why?

It's very personal, intimate.

You describe our sex life.

Yeah, but in glowing terms.

You come out of it very well, very professional.

And the physical descriptions?

My "nipples like two ripe, empurpled cherries"?

Look, listen to Dougray saying it.

Dougray, would you mind?

"Her nipples like two ripe, empurpled cherries."

You happy now?

Well, now that I hear it,

yes, it's fine.

It's just that I was hearing it

in your annoying, plummy, pompous voice...

Basso profundo.

..whereas Dougray's mellifluous tones make it sound romantic.

Let me speak to him.

Nice to meet you, Dougray. Oh, so you're Barbara.

Well, it's nice finally to put a face to the, um...

The cherries? Aye.

DOUGRAY AND BARBARA LAUGH

So how are you finding it,

inhabiting the People's Chief?

Well, I did play Moses, so...

He only had ten commandments, though.

DOUGRAY AND BARBARA LAUGH

Look, we're running a bit behind schedule here.

Dougray's got a flight to catch to get back to his wife.

Carry on, Dougray. In your own time.

"Barbara, my femme fatale.

"My Glaswegian goddess.

"Her passion was such that we didn't even attempt

"to tidy away the hotel binder of promotional leaflets

"for various Borders attractions that littered the bed.

"I well remember later that evening,

"peeling a two-for-one voucher for the St Boswells Donkey Sanctuary

"from Barbara's sweat-drenched buttock.

"Barbara vocalised her pleasure by joyously uttering..."

I'm sorry, Chief. Could you, um...

Could you get out of my eyeline?

Yeah. Is it maybe just a little bit too erotic

with the principal in view?

Aye. Maybe you could step outside.

Happy to do so.

You wouldn't be the first man

to feel diminished in my presence, Dougray.

"Barbara vocalised her pleasure

"by joyously uttering the chorus from Blur's Song 2.

"Woohoo!"

DOOR BUZZES

"In Barbara, I knew I had found my forever girl

"until we got divorced in 2017."

A very sensitive read, Dougray,

especially the more startling metaphors.

We aim to please.

Hi. Before the Chief gets back,

could we get that video for my sister just quickly?

Two secs.OK. Hi.

What's her name again?

Daisy.

And action.

Hi, Daisy. Dougray here.

Just wanted to wish you all the best with your old nuptials.

And if it doesn't work out, you know where to find me.

And cut. Perfect. She is going to love that.

And, Mr Scott, a selfie with your director?

ALARM BLARES

OK, OK. If everybody could just quietly and calmly

make their way to the muster station.

- DOOR BUZZES - Sorry!

Sorry, everyone. Apologies.

Apologies. My bad.

False alarm. False alarm.

My bad - I set it off by accident.

I thought it was the soap dispenser, so...

Apologies!

Probably just have to ride it out, you know?

No point recording anything while this racket's...

ALARM STOPS

I think we're good.

I think we're good, Dougray. OK.

Home stretch. Chapter 19 -

The Tayside Stakeout.

"Midnight in Monifieth.

"The boy Forsyth turned to me and said,

"I couldn't eat another pie if you paid me.""

Sorry, Dougray. Stop you there.

The boy's from Dundee.

I think it should be "pay".

"I couldn't eat another pay".

It's written "pie". It's said "pay".

I say "pie". We pay you to say "pay".

Well, you're not pieing me enough to say "pay".

And the pie-off is you're talking shit.

"The boy Forsyth turned to me and said,

- "I couldn't eat another pie." - PHONE RINGS

Sorry. Sorry, Dougray. Hold it.

Yeah. Probably...

Yeah, Justice Minister. Sorry, it'll be two minutes.

Don't let him say "pie". No pieing.

I'm reading it on the website now.

"The Scottish Police Force fully supports

"the government's Safe Drug Consumption Facilities,

"providing a safe space where people can safely consume drugs

"in the presence of trained health professionals.

"But any burn-out junkie fuds and jakeys

"are reminded that anywhere else in Scotland

"is business as usual and then some."

Sir, that's me away.

I trust an amendment will be forthcoming.

Yes. Apologies, Minister.

A little bit of a glitch at our end.

Autocorrect's going a little bit haywire,

but we'll sort it out. Don't you worry, Minister.

Fuds and jakeys?

Thumb up, thumb down. I'm just thumbing it.

Well, you're thumbing too hard!

Pull out, pull back!

More middle thumb? Yeah, less...

Now, sort it.

So just take one photo with a thistle,

symbolising the Earth's precious resources.

Have you ever heard of a pressure group called the Carbonistas?

I do care passionately about the planet.

It's just that all my charity work is done through my LA agents.

DOOR BUZZES

Right, Dougray We'll pick it up from...

Oh, um...

Dougray, this is my daughter, Ellen.

Ellen, a word, please.

Why are you here?

Dougray has been in some big budget films

with massive carbon footprints.

If he came out as anti-air travel, that would be...

What's he going to do?

Tweet about it on the CalMac ferry crossing

from Ardrossan to Sunset Boulevard?!

Forget Dougray, target some proper A-listers.

Oh!

Do you want to show me YOUR Bafta, Chief, or your Emmy?

Beat Cop Of The Year, '91 to '93.

National or regional?

Midlothian.

Right. I'll see you later. Come on, we've got a lot to do.

Do you not want to stay for your mention?

My mention?Aye. Well, when you were a baby,

you threw up on the Chief's dress uniform,

so he had to go and meet Nelson Mandela in his shirt sleeves.

Styled it out. Nelson went shirt, no jacket, too.

It was a minor triumph. Front page of the Sunday Herald.

That's it? That's my mention?

One puke?

Um... "Miekelson, Ellen. Threw up on father's jacket.

"Page 47."

No, no, there's whole sections you haven't seen yet. Oh?

All about you. In fact, we're about we're about to record them now.

Aren't we, Dougray?

You've got children, right?

Aye, three. Twins and the wee fella.

And do you improvise?

Oh, it's in my skill set if the situation's urgent.

The situation is urgent.

Could you...?

Jesus, Chief,

do you want me to write your book now as well?

I'd be really grateful.

I can't guarantee you a writer's credit, though.

Sorry.

And so the baby that I loved

from the moment I set eyes on her

grew up to be an inspirational young woman -

a firebrand, a passionate activist

who cares about our precious planet.

I could not be prouder of my daughter.

I have known many triumphs as a man and as...

..a chief, but the, um...

The greatest achievement of my life

is simply being a father to Ellen.

I'm gone.

I think that's the chapter I'm most proud of having written.

It's almost like someone else wrote it.

Well, I like to vary styles.

Thanks, Dad.

And thanks, Dougray, for that reading. Beautiful.

And a nice preamble to the big Mandela meeting

and my shirtsleeves triumph.

Right. Come on, everyone. Chop, chop.

I kept in touch, and every year on his birthday

I sent Nelson Mandela a tin of Moffat toffee.

OK, that's chapter 22 done. Chapter 23, go!

DOOR BUZZES

Oh, that'll be my gear for the hen night.

Thank you. OK.

Dougray, go.

Throughout my life I have broken bread

with royalty and ragamuffins alike. DOOR BUZZES

That's the statement sorted and approved, sir.

Two thumbs up for the thumb slalom.

Ah, good to know, but we're up against it here, Muldoon.

Honestly, it's turning into Mission: Impossible.

That's where I know you from!

I thought you were Obi-Wan Kenobi, but that's that other radge.

I pure loved Mission: Impossible, by the way.

But can I ask, who was your armourer?

Because see your stance? It should be like so. No?

Thanks for the feedback. I'll be sure to tell Tom.

Tom?Cruise. Oh. Wee Baws. Ah, that's right.

Everybody in Hollywood calls him Wee Baws.

Ah, well, if you'd done your stance right,

you might actually have shot Wee Baws at the end of MI2.

Muldoon, thank you very much,

but tempus fugit. If you could.

The royal story - action!

Murrayfield was rocking.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This royal anecdote could be problematic.

Oh, problematic how?!

We might have to redact her identity.

She is a fairly well-known royal.

- Um... - DOOR BUZZES, LAUGHTER

Paul, we really need to go. Hiya, everybody.

Chief, I'm sorry. Daisy's hen do. I need to head off. Yeah.

Right. Dougray, just, um...

Ah, just redact her name, OK?

Royal story - action!

Murrayfield was rocking.

Scotland had secured a glorious victory,

and leading the sing-song high in the stands was Redacted Anne.

Actually, no. Hearing it, Dougray, it's not right.

Let's go with the Princess Redacted.

No!

No, that is it, I am done!

What do you mean, "done"?

You're not done!

I have worked with difficult directors,

autocrats, tyrants, dictators.

I've been naked on a muddy swamp at minus two degrees.

I've trained for six months to be a boxer,

wrestled crocodiles, I've kissed Bobby Carlyle,

I've done my own stunts for 26 hours straight with Wee Baws Cruise -

but nothing and nobody has ever given me this level of shit!

- DOOR BUZZES - Dougray...

Dougray, we've still got 45 minutes left.

Three chapters to go.

We can fit it all in if you speak really fast.

We can slow it down in the edit. Look...

It's about all the crimes in the future

that now will not be committed.

That's my legacy. That's Miekelsonism.

How about this? I go to the airport,

have a nice chilled elderflower presse in the lounge

and then get on my flight to LA? I'm walking.

You do that and I am straight on the phone

to Fergus at the publishers.

Fergus, my old school friend Fergus? Fergus, my best man?

Fergus, the guy that I agreed to do this big favour for?

That Fergus? What are you talking about?

Do you really think I'd agree to have my name associated with this...

..doggerel? Huh?!

Are you...? Are you going through town, Mr Scott?

Could you drop us at the Voodoo Lounge?

There's two chances of that, Paul.

None, and fuck all!

Drive!

For another 500 quid we could have got big Gerry Butler!

My friend knows the wee tubby guy on breakfast radio.

Ah...

I need someone with my sense of intelligence,

command, gravitas.

Cometh the hour...

..cometh the Miek.

I was born in the Royal Hospital for the Incurably Handsome in 1972.

As I entered the world, every bam in the land

felt an involuntary shudder of fear

course through their body.

? It's all about you It's about you

? It's all about you, baby It's all about

? It's all about you It's about you

? It's all about you

? Yesterday you asked me something I thought you knew

? So I told you with a smile

? "It's all about you." ?

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