Original subtitles

Hey, Dad, guess what?

Life isn't always a blistering wound of chaos and despair.

Look who's in a cheery mood.

Some bookstore must have closed and turned into a new dispensary, huh?

I went to an estate sale.

This lady had the coolest stuff,

and after I eliminated everything she could have died in, on, or under,

I bought this.

Huh. Actually looks like a knockoff of a Frank Matranga,

- a very famous California potter... - Hmm.

...but I'm sure the only potter you know is Harry.

Business has been great, so I thought I'd treat myself.

And I haven't bought any art

since I got that poster of a cat reading the newspaper on the toilet

that I hung above the toilet.

Uh, hey. Um, you know where that would fit is up in my guest room.

You mean my room?

I thought you liked it.

I do like it. It just doesn't fit the aesthetic here I've got going on.

I'll put it like a millennial.

I don't like the vibe, bro.

What about my vibe, dude?

God forbid I should have one thing in this house.

Uh, well, you got two things.

Georgia and that other one.

Carlson. Carl. That guy.

What was his name?

Hey, guys.

This is Carlos Joaquín de la Mancha Kobe Bryant Martinez...

...but you can call him Charlie.

Oh, he's so cute and tiny.

- Kind of makes me wanna have another-- - No.

A dog.

Where? Hiding behind that little white rat?

Lily's family needs someone to dog-sit while they're in San Diego.

For a funeral, not for something fun.

Actually, we are going to SeaWorld after the funeral and LEGOLAND.

It... I-It's not important.

I told them we could watch Charlie, if that's okay.

- Of course. - How about asking the homeowner?

Please, Grandpa.

He's adorbs.

Who's gonna boost my TikTok viewer retention?

You are.

Who's gonna stay in a kennel all weekend?

You are.

Come on, Charlie.

He's here.

Charlie, let's get you into hair and makeup for our first video.

Why is he wearing a vest?

Is he parking cars now?

No, he's an emotional support animal.

What emotions does he support?

The only ones I feel are shame and embarrassment.

Ignore him.

The only emotional support animal he believes in is slow-cooked pork.

Why are you being such a pain?

- You like dogs. - I love dogs,

but I like full-size regular dogs.

Labradors, Rottweilers.

That thing looks like Colonel Sanders made it with a Labubu.

Is that all his stuff?

Yeah, these are Charlie's treats, which aren't as good as they look.

Look, if they didn't want me to eat 'em,

shouldn't have made them look like little sausages.

- Oh, and here's his antianxiety meds. - Ooh.

- Riley. - What? I'm not stealing pills from a dog.

The dosage is way too low.

Oh, and here's his food.

Lily has him on a strict meat-free diet.

The dog is a vegan?

What else is in there? Cashew lasagna and a fear of effort?

Carter, put it down!

What? I want healthy bones and a shiny coat. Sue me.

Yeah, this is gonna be a badass Caddy. You know what you should do

is get your schematics and start listing where you wanna go with this.

You got it, boss. I'll get it to you on Saturday.

- All right, cool. - You got a little hair on you.

Damn. I'm with that dog one day, and I've got hair all over me.

Give me... Give me that thing.

You know, I used to date a woman that was into that.

Man, she used to dress me up like a Phillie Phanatic.

Man, that woman was crazy.

I should call her.

Any on my back there? Can you grab that?

All right.

I feel like I need consent before I venture into the badonkadonk.

Just keep rolling before I kick you in the badonkadonk.

- Get that junk off that dirty trunk. - Easy.

You guys really need an HR department.

We don't need an HR department.

We like being mean to each other around here.

Hey, babe, you forgot your toothbrush last night.

I didn't forget it.

I thought maybe I could keep it at your place

since I'm spending so much time there.

You guys are getting serious.

I never even used to let women know where I live.

My motto: "Go find the freaky. Don't let the freaky find you."

Well, we can't go to my place.

I've got three roommates, and we're all dancers,

so there's always one girl in the shower

and another wrapped in a towel banging on the door.

Mmm.

You know what?

- Let me help you out. - Mmm.

How about you move in with Gabe, and I move in with them?

You moving in does kind of make sense.

- Really? - Yeah.

You're there, like, every night, and, I mean,

you already moved in your toothbrush.

Are you asking me to move in with you?

Stitch started it.

But, yeah, why not?

Not the most romantic thing I've ever heard, but...

Sure! Why not?

- Wow, this is so exciting. - Whoo-hoo!

All right, I'm gonna go break the news to my roommates.

All right.

The naked ones?

Hey, I'll do it.

Stitch, it's a fourth-floor walk-up.

I'll make it work.

You know, you got no nuts. That's empty calories.

In his defense, he's like an old sea captain

scratching a leg that hasn't been there for years.

Hey, Pops. Eve sent a picture from her tour. Wanna see?

No. If your phone's anything like your laptop,

I definitely don't wanna see what's on there.

All right, but I'm here when you're ready to heal, brochacho.

Must be hard hearing about Eve having all these incredible adventures.

No, I'm having my own adventure here

looking at Gabe's punch list for that Cadillac,

and he keeps putting a dancing girl emoji on here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You just sent Gabe an eggplant emoji.

Take the dog, okay?

- I need the dog out of here. - Oh, really?

I can't have a vase. I can't have a dog.

I can't shout out the answers during Wheel of Fortune.

You already saw that episode.

It's the same thing over and over.

It's your house, your rules,

your guest room I have to share with your globe

where you've blacked out all the countries that are communist.

Don't I get any say?

It was bad enough when I was a teenager, but now I'm a mom,

and I run my own business.

And I'm a homeowner. Why don't you get yourself your own home?

You know what? I will.

- Well, good luck with that. - I'm sick of not feeling welcome

in what I thought was my own home.

What you thought was wrong.

Okay, that's it!

Consider this my notice. We are moving out.

And for your information, California's not a communist country.

Just give it time.

Gabe just sent me a heart emoji.

You started sending these. Finish it off.

Hey, do you guys know any apartments that are cheap but nice?

'Cause the place I'm living in is free but mean.

Well, you know, my neighbor's almost a hundred.

I could startle him, tell him I'm dating his granddaughter.

Why would you wanna move out?

You get to live with Matt Parker.

You should have seen what he texted me yesterday.

I need my own space, but apartments are so expensive.

Completely unrelated, these lattes are now $200.

And don't forget to tip.

It's not gonna work. You know why? Because I don't think you're that cute.

You're just an odd-looking dog. That's all there is to it.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Okay, gosh.

Come in here.

You know, the people that really like you, they're gone.

Maybe for the weekend. Probably gone forever.

Yeah, that's what Eve did to me. Gone forever.

Oh, boy.

All right. They're not gone forever.

Look, don't tell anybody I did that.

Otherwise, I'll make you watch those Sarah McLachlan commercials.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Pretty spooky, right?

All right. A little cozy but cute.

What do you guys think?

Smells kinda weird.

And that's from the guy who's single-handedly keeping

"pull my finger" alive.

Nice, huh?

But it's a competitive market. You need to act fast.

Look, she might fall for your manufactured scarcity trick,

but we both know the market is softening.

Pardon my daughter.

She's getting her MBA from the University of Shark Tank.

Why don't you guys go check out the bedrooms?

Remember, I need the bigger bedroom for my crypto mining farm.

Uh, sorry, no home businesses.

It's not a business. It's a lifestyle.

Ignore her. We're not high rollers.

You didn't tell us we'd all have to share a bathroom.

Yeah, that's not gonna work for me. I need my tub time.

Is that what you're calling it?

I-I'll let you three discuss.

Mom, we don't wanna live here.

We love living at Grandpa's.

Yeah, his house is like a fancy hotel.

In every room, there's a TV and a Bible

that he stole from a fancy hotel.

But we're living under his thumb.

Don't you hate being bossed around by an unforgiving tyrant?

I mean, Georgia has been around most of my life, so...

When we lived in Vegas, we almost never saw Grandma and Grandpa.

Now Grandma's gone.

And the way Pops eats red meat, clock's a-ticking.

Okay, fine.

But don't worry, Grandpa's gonna be here a long time.

That's how evil works.

All right, how about that? Ooh, you like bacon, huh?

That's good fat. Well... ...not according to Riley.

If she was here, she'd say bad fat.

Bad fat. Good fat.

I mean, the country is divided. Now fat's gotta make a choice.

Yeah, you know what?

I actually kinda like you, you know?

Gotta say that, Chuck.

Just two dudes watching a little college basketball.

What could be better, man?

We don't need the women telling us what to do today, do we, you know?

I did like Eve though, a lot.

She's different. Opposites attract sometimes.

It's like... ...bacon and lettuce.

I don't understand why lettuce went to Korea when bacon said, "I love you."

That seems a little weird to me.

I like her a lot though. Should I text her?

Yeah, why would I text her? She's the one that left, right?

Hey, Pops.

- Hey, Grandpa. - Hey, where's your mom?

Oh, she dropped us off. She's going to Meditate.

It's the name of that new dispensary that used to be a bookstore.

What are you doing?

Charlie's not allowed to have bacon.

You know what? I think that's really a Saint Bernard

trapped in a body that didn't get enough protein.

Pops, Lily said he has a severe allergy.

Probably why he threw up so much today.

But I thought it was the chorizo. It's too spicy for a dog.

You gave him chorizo too?

Quite a bit of it.

- We gotta take him to the vet. - Pops, I know I'm new to dating,

but if I kill Lily's dog, I'm never getting to first base.

Trust me, that dog has eaten a lot worse things than what I gave it.

That's more than that dog weighs.

Okay, maybe we should take the dog to the vet.

Riley, what are you doing here?

I had to get away from my dad before one of us murders the other in their sleep.

Me, I'm the murderer.

Also, I brought a housewarming gift for you and Amelie.

Oh, thank you.

This is so thoughtful.

Where should I put it?

Um, how about here?

How's the apartment hunting going?

Terrible.

Turns out it's tough to beat free at my dad's place.

Yeah, and if you did find another place for free,

you'd probably have to call that guy "Daddy" too.

What are you doing?

I'm just getting rid of some of my stuff to make room for Amelie's stuff,

because you can't make room with a partner without making room for a partner.

I listened to a podcast.

Ooh.

Wow, big step. Good for you.

Is it though?

I just, you know, don't really want to get rid of my stuff.

Having second thoughts about living together.

Uh-oh, you getting cold feet?

They're so cold, I can't feel them.

It happens to everybody.

I got cold feet right before I married that stupid son of a bitch Jimmy.

But you and Amelie are gonna be great.

They're getting colder! They're ice!

Gabe, this could be good for you.

It's therapeutic to do a little spring-cleaning.

Get rid of stuff that doesn't bring you joy.

Good news, babe. Oh, hey, Riley.

I found some amazing accent pillows.

Oh, great.

Maybe you could use them to smother my joy.

- What? - I've been talking to Riley.

Yeah.

I realize I'm making a big mistake.

I can't do this!

What did you say to him?

I didn't say anything.

I love an accent pillow,

especially if it's an Australian accent.

Oh, crikey, that's not a pillow. That's a pillow.

- What's he in for? - He had a panic attack.

Maybe because you're making him wear a bow tie.

He kinda looks like a dancer at a bachelorette strip party.

He's dressed for his birthday, and now you've ruined it.

Hey, how was house hunting today?

Well, the places weren't great,

but at least they were out of our price range.

We told Mom we don't wanna move.

I just don't think at this age I'm meant to live an uncomfortable life.

We love your place. All the bathrooms have locks.

I get the idea your mom is miserable,

mostly 'cause she told me I was making her miserable.

She doesn't mean it.

In Vegas, we were always moving from place to place. She hated it.

Remember that time we lived at Circus Circus?

It was awful awful.

Oh, no, it wasn't.

The Elvis impersonator taught me long division.

Divide by two, carry the hunk, a hunk of burning one.

I think Mom just wants a place that she can call her own.

She never told me any of this.

- Oh, look. - Charlie is fine.

You can take him home.

Thanks, Doc. You're helping a young boy become a man.

Yeah.

How much do you charge to neuter a kid?

Listen, uh, dog's okay though?

- Hundred percent. - Excellent.

Gave him a very thorough exam. Top to bottom. Inside and out.

Mmm.

Okay.

What's going on?

Why is he having second thoughts?

He's just freaking out about getting rid of his stuff.

It happened to my grandmother. Of course, she was a hoarder,

and I was throwing away a 14-year-old can of peaches.

What is with him?

I don't understand why he's hanging on to his junk.

Don't all men like to hang on to their junk?

The thing is, it's not actually junk to Gabe.

Did he ever tell you about his childhood?

No. He never talks about that stuff.

Well, it was pretty crappy. Not a lot of great memories.

This stuff reminds him of the good times. Like, uh, this plastic cup.

My dad took Gabe and my brother to this game the night Gabe's dad left.

And then, uh, Gabe's dad blew him off on his birthday,

so we surprised him with a trip to Medieval Times.

And after, I told the Green Knight Gabe had stage four eczema,

so he let him pet his horse.

I had no idea.

Now I feel bad that I was pressuring Gabe to get rid of his stuff.

Well, maybe you should tell him that.

Hi.

I wasn't eavesdropping, but, uh, I accept your apology.

Look, just so you know, you can talk to me about anything.

Even your childhood.

I know. It's just...

It's hard for me to talk about things that make me sad.

It's like when McDonald's was serving breakfast all day,

and then they just stopped.

Yeah. With zero warning!

Continue.

It's gonna work out, babe.

We're gonna be so happy here.

Okay.

I should go, uh, with this.

And I think I'll treat myself to the director's cut of Encino Man.

What a life I lead.

Look at the tail on that thing.

You're watching Turner & Hooch?

Yeah.

That dog is a good actor, right?

That Tom Hanks, uh, I don't know.

Yeah, I know. I just said that.

By the way, don't worry about the vase.

It's going back in my room. Sorry, your guest room.

How about just put it on our credenza?

Wait, did you say "our"?

Well, as my buddy Carlos Joaquín de la Mancha Kobe Bryant Martinez says...

"Mi casa es su casa."

Oh.

- Thanks, Dad. - There's a little caveat though.

Ay, Dios mío.

Listen, let's have you start paying me rent,

but we'll put that into a savings account

and pretty soon you'll have down payment and get your own house.

Hmm. Thanks, Dad. Although, by then, this will be my home,

and your home will be, well... ...a home.

Okay, but do we have a deal?

- This is our house with our rules. Deal? - Hmm.

Speaking of, I was thinking

- we could get solar panels, or no? - No, no, no.

This is a house. It's not some hippie commune

in the People's Republic of Portland.

- Exactly. - Okay.

Here you go.

First rent check.

Feels good to be independent.

Oh, if you really want to feel independent,

I could take you off the family phone plan.

Easy, tiger. That check hasn't cleared yet.

- Why are you putting that there? - It looks better here.

I'm sorry, what did you say, Charlie?

Exactly, I agree.

He said, "It doesn't fit there."

What happened to our house, our rules?

It's just too big for the space.

You gave birth to Carter. You get it.

Ooh.

Carter, your girlfriend's here.

Oh, we're not using traditional labels.

We're going with boo and bae.

"Boo bae."

Aw, I missed you.

You saw that.

Thanks for taking care of Charlie.

Oh, of course. We'll miss him.

Don't you want to say goodbye, Dad?

Sure. One more belly rub. Come here, boy. Come over here.

You really are man's best friend.