Original subtitles

♪ [Multicom Entertainment Group jingle] ♪

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

[various evil and hysterical laughs]

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪ [cars honking]

-[telephone rings] -[secretary] International literary agency.

Bobby Blitzer's office. Can I help you?

Bobby Blitzer's office please hold. Thank you.

Yes, this is Mr. Blitzer's office.

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

♪ [jazzy mob music gets quiet] ♪

♪ [jazzy mob music continues] ♪

♪ [office music plays] ♪

[door closes]

♪ [office music continues to play] ♪

[secretary] Uh, he's got a few moments for you Mr. Conora.

[Jimmy Corora] It's Corona.

[door closes]

[knocks]

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Come on in.

-The names Jimmy. -Jimmy, Jimmy.

How you doin' fame?

You look, uh,

you look like shit man. What are you doing?

You hanging out in the bottom of a bottle or somethin'.

You want a drink? Just kidding, what can I do for ya?

Well Bobby, you know I've been working on a big project

and you know I'm havin trouble just gettin into the office

I mean I've been waitin out there for hours.

Yeah well are you, are you a baby, are you baby Jimmy,

are you a big cry baby in a dress, is that what you are?

Whaaa. Why don't you sit up straight.

C'mon sit up, sit up like a man with a cock in between his legs not some paper cup.

Like a, like a bum with a paper cup.

I mean what, what, what's your problem anyway?

Problem?

Problem is I, I... I don't feel like you're workin for me anymore.

Okay. [burrrs] We got that out.

Okay, not working for you. That's good. Let's talk about that, okay?

I'm not working for you and you're the boss. Give me your hand. [chuckles]

[Jimmy] I'm, I'm relieved you feel that way

you know I, I was kinda nervous about being so

-Hey. Jimmy. You never have to be nervous with me. Okay? -Okay.

Don't ever, ever be nervous around me.

Just give me somethin that I can work with alright. Give me somethin I can work with.

Oh man, I outta strangle you.

I'd a chop your fingers off and feed em to Norman Mailer's dog. You piece of dumb...

-[intercom] Bobby. It's double day. -Uh, just a second.

Yeah. Hi. How are ya. Good. An Advance.

Quarter of a million?

Make it half a million. Alright. I love you babe. Okay.

Ma, you gotta quick callin over here.

No, I can. I love you too Ma. I love you a lot.

[smooching lips sounds]

-[phone clicks] -Okay look.

Don't worry bout who that was. You gotta try doin somethin for me.

You gotta stop wondering how you're gonna get your 90%.

And you gotta start worrying about how I'm gonna be getting my 10%.

Do you understand?

Because look Jimmy, I want to work with you. I really do.

But you're gonna have to give me something to work with.

-What about the book proposal I sent you? -[loud exhale]

Jimmy, stop. Stop, look and listen.

There are a million JFK

assassination theory books out there in print

and the world just does not need another right now.

-[Jimmy] I know, but mine explores a new angle. -[chuckles] Ah, Jimmy,

Jimmy. Nobody is gonna buy

that Lee Harvey Oswald first decided to kill the president of the United States

because he was spurned romantically by Marilyn Monroe.

That's the piece of the puzzle that's always been missing. The motive.

I mean all those other books try and say that

Oswald wasn't involved, or Oswald didn't act alone.

Now I'd be saying that Oswald did act alone and why.

That's totally new.

Stand up for a minute. Stand up.

-What's the matter? -Give me a hug. C'mon. Give me a hug.

I love you Jimmy. You know that. You believe me?

-[Jimmy] Yeah. -You trust me?

-[Jimmy] Yes. -When I tell you you're out of your fucking mind!

Look theoretically, there's no evidence at all to suggest that

Lee Harvey Oswald ever even met Marilyn Monroe.

Second of all, there's no evidence to suggest

that he was even within a thousand miles of her.

Look, I got a reliable source. I'm gettin' information right from the top.

Yeah from the top of your mind. You're out of it pal.

Now look, can I just get a small advance so I can get down to work

-[urg] -lemme get into the archives and find the

evidence myself. I know it will turn up.

Now I got something there! I wanna run with it!

C'mon, c'mon okay.

I mean a love triangle between Kennedy, Oswald and Monroe? Please.

You know what you're doin' right night? You know what you're doin'?

You're embarrassing yourself. Humiliating yourself.

Tell you what, why don't I put you on the

right now and the whole building can hear it.

It's embarrassing. Go ahead. Keep talking.

-[intercom clicks] -See.

Look. I got three words for you.

Real. Life. Crime stories.

That's what they're looking for. Real life crime stories. Say it with me,

say it with me. Say it with me. Real life crime stories. Say it!

-Real life crime stories. -Say it again.

Real life crime stories.

It's the intense stuff. The real nitty, gritty, street stuff you know like uh,

like uh, what is that Rescue 911, uh, uh America's Most Wanted that kinda stuff

that's what they're looking for. You gotta give me something like that.

But look, you come in here and you're asking me why you're not working

[sucks teeth] Hurts. You're killing me.

But listen. Ask not what your agent can do for you, ask what you can do for your agent!

Kennedy.

Yep.

[sigh] Now beat it I got some work to do. I love you, you know that.

-That's it. Just gonna make me leave. -Please I got some work to do.

Just umm, I, I sent a screenplay in a...

-Leave with Dotty. Leave with Dotty. -Umm,

it's a high concept thing that you might be able to tweek...

Okay. okay. I'm drained. I'm drained.

Could we go out sometime for a cup of coffee...

Please. Humiliating yourself again.

-[Jimmy] Okay bye bye. -Oh, bye, bye Jimmy.

[door slams]

♪ [jazzy music] ♪

[Jimmy quacks]

[continuous quacks]

Hey look let's cut the shenanigans huh.

Why don't you just come here and talk to me face to face.

Don't turn around Jimmy. Don't look at me. Just keep walking okay. Walk.

Alright. Take it easy will ya.

Did you bring the money?

To tell you the truth Fred, I can't afford these meetings anymore.

Not according to my agent. He thinks the whole thing is idiotic.

-I mean Oswald, Kennedy, Monroe. -You told your agent?

I warned you about this didn't I?

The whole coverup is too deep for any agents to understand.

Well maybe he's got a point. I mean, think about it.

Listen. You ungrateful maggot. Don't you understand with what you're involved with here.

Alright. Take it easy Jimmy. Alright, calm down, calm down, alright. Just relax. I'm sorry.

[sighs] Look the Oswald thing is too hot for you, I got something else. Okay?

Very close friend of mine works down at the Pentagon. Okay.

He could prove beyond a shadow of doubt that not only did FDR had prior knowledge

on the attack at Pearl Harbor but he also helped plan it.

That's right. Did you know his grandmother was half Japanese?

You could see it in his eyes in some early photographs.

That's why he started wearing the round glasses.

Oh and the polio thing. Total fake. He kept the transmitter in his wheelchair.

I know what you're thinking. What's the motive right.

He had his eye on the big picture. I mean look at Japan today. Need I say more.

Now look, give me 75 up front and I'll put you in contact with me contact.

[Jimmy] What are you crazy?

My grandfather was killed at Pearl Harbor.

[man sighs]

Alright listen, I, I got thirty five dollars.

[clears throat] How bout I give you 35 up front and uh, I cut you in 5% of the book?

That's a deal.

[Jimmy] No, no. What am I crazy?

I'm not gonna get involved in this crap again.

-Hey, hey, we just made a deal. -Yeah, well go call a lawyer and sue me.

Alright, what about this? George Bush.

A friend of mine has got pictures of him in a prom dress 1943.

Look. I just said I'm not interested. I want you to just leave me alone okay.

[Crazy man] Did you know that Elvis was really a woman?

And that his twin sister is still alive?

Hey you know what happened to Lindberg baby?

He was eaten by Babe Ruth. [laughs]

-[Crazy man] What? -[Jimmy] Why don't you go bother somebody else.

Hey get back here. Don't walk away form me.

Wanna see something big Jimmy, I got something big.

Here ya go! Huh. Here's your single bullet theory!

-[Crazy man] What a loser. -♪ [sad jazzy music] ♪

I guess you really do have to hit rock bottom before you can rise again...

I can't believe it was just a year ago when I was selling articles left and right...

to magazines like Esquire, Rolling stone, Modern Maturity...

Every agent in town wooed me to sign

now the words just wouldn't come out no matter how hard I tried...

Now, I was no longer the promising young writer

my parents bragged about to their friends...

I was pushing 30 becoming the most dreaded of all things a family joke...

I mean my brother was a donut maker...

But now he was the one they mentioned with pride at the weekly Gin Rummy games...

Man oh man.

Well I guess it could be worse...

I mean at least I had my health, a roof over my head...

and a loyal loving companion who stuck by my side through thick and thin...

Now those are the things that are most important in life. Well, aren't they?

[door screeches]

Jimmy?!

[Jimmy] Hi Babe. Where you been?

-Shopping. -Great. Cuz the cupboards are practically naked.

What's for dinner?

♪ [angelic voices singing] ♪

Oh.

I don't know it feels a little tight. What do you think?

What I think? How much did all this crap cost?

[sighs] Look Lori you can't go out buying yourself extravagant little gifts.

-I'm broke. We're struggling -I know, I know, I know. But see

I wasn't thinking of this just as an extravagant little gift for me, it's for you too.

To help you relax. To help us confront some of these uh

little problems we've been having lately.

-Confront. Problems. What. -[kissing]

Did you get any work done today honey bear?

-Well, yeah you know I, I'm um um sitting here -Uh huh

I got a block and I'm trying

I know baby how you haven't written a printable sentence in months.

Hey I know. Okay? You don't have to tell me every five minutes.

You know, maybe its time you started pursuing something else

What are you saying I should quick writing, huh? You want me to quit writing!

-Oh! -Oh God!

-Oh. Hey. -Yeah that's it.

You know what it's like it's like we're not kids anymore, okay?

I gotta start thinkin' about my future while I still got onto think about

-Oh God. -Look Lori, uh its a kinda

hard having this discussion now you know what I mean?

-My, my plate is full. -You want to know why you're never gonna be a writer Jimmy?

I'll tell you why. Because you think writing is about writing,

well it's not, writing is about living okay writing is the least of it. Uhh!

-What the hell do you know-- -Oh God!

-about it huh. What do you know about writing? -Oh God!

I'll tell you what I know. Hemingway hunted wild animals in Africa,

he fought the Fascists in Spain, Thomas Wolfe devoured life till he almost died

-Ooo -But you, you never leave this apartment anymore

except to maybe go drink in with your stupid friends

and you wonder why you can't think of anything to write huh, huh, huh.

Well, uh if that's the way you feel about it, then-- Woah, why, ooo why, why

-Why am I having sex with you like this? -Yeah.

-Because maybe I feel guilty. -You feel guil-- ooo why, why

-Why do I feel guilty? -Yeah.

-Cuz I have to leave you Jimmy. -What? What are you talking bout?

-Oi. -And I'm..

-Oh. -Oh God.

-Oh there it is. -Oh God.

And I'm leaving you this, Oh God, to remember me by, Oh God,

[convulsing ohs]

ooooh, oi papi, oh God, oh God, oh God,

-oh yes, oh God. -[breathing heavy]

Don't move.

-Oo I'm sensitive -I know, I know its sensitive,

Oh Jesus.

Unless you can give me

one very, very good reason

why I should stay.

Exactly what I thought

[moans] I'm beat.

-I know, I know you're beat. -[slaps hand on counter]

♪ [sad jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy Narrating] Change professions she gives me. Hemingway she gives me.

Yeah, he held it at Africa. But he also wound up having shotgun pellet marinara for dinner.

It was the end of a romance I guess its like what soldiers say about the bullet that kills ya.

You just never see it coming.

♪ [upbeat jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy Narrating] Just needed some time to think and gather my thoughts so I,

I headed over to my other pillar of strengths. George's.

♪ [rock music playing in bar] ♪

[man in bar] Take good care of her.

[chatter]

Enjoy yourself.

Johnny. Ah, it's so good to see you. Wonderful.

[chuckles with mumbled words]

-It's Jimmy. -Ji-- Jimmy. Of course its Jimmy.

Jim Jim Jimmy. You come and see me sometime. I love to see you. Always.

♪ [rock music] ♪

Hey Dick.

[Dick] Hey, hey hey hey. Shakespeare. [laughs]

I loved your article in Jugs. You fucking pervert.

[Jimmy] Yeah. That's really funny. That's a good one you know.

Listen Dick, uh, I'm a little short tonight.

Short? Lately your fucking incredible shrinking man. [laughs]

[Jimmy] That's, that's another great one.

You know something. You should become a stand up comedian, you know that.

Hey, c'mon, only for you I only do this.

[Jimmy] Yeah right. If I had a pair of boobs you'd be giving me free drinks all night long.

Maybe you should relax a little bit Jimmy. Eh.

You know all this sarcasm you know can't be too good for your health.

You're right. You're right Dick. Sorry.

Drink up. [chuckles]

-[Tony] Hey fuck face. -♪ [dramatic music] ♪

What's the matter with you.

You forgot your uncle already big shot?

Heh? What a fucking shame you became too important for me huh.

[Jimmy Narrating] Jesus. My uncle Tony. Tony dead presidents they called him.

Supposedly for the thick wad of cash he was never seen without.

But for all I know, he could of been the guy that clipped Kennedy.

[Tony] C'mon over here. Stop the bullshit.

Don't be breaking my balls, eh, for Christ sake. You little free hole.

Get your ass over here what do I got leprosy or somethin?

Sit down and have a drink with me.

Hey Uncle Tony I didn't see you sittin here I would of come over sooner.

What are you Ray Charles? You can't see 10 feet in front of you all of a sudden? [laughs]

[Jimmy] Good one.

-[Jimmy sighs] -[Tony] So what are you havin?

-Whatever you're havin is fine with me. -The best is what I'm havin.

[Jimmy narrating] Tony told the family he was in pizzerias and linen supplies.

But we all knew better. Tony was a wise guy, a gangsta.

[Tony] It's private stock. Look over here. So tell me kid, how's your mother.

She's good. She's good. She tells me to say hello if I run into you.

Yeah, your mother, God bless her. Every time my name comes up, she splits on the ground.

And your father, that other fucking bug, he's another big booster of mine.

They always told you to stay away from me, ain't I right?

[Jimmy narrating] Yep. One of the few pieces of advice I ever took from the old man

Thank you.

Ah well fuck it. C'mon here is to your health. A salute.

[Tony speaks Italian]

[Jimmy speaks in Italian]

[Tony] You don't mind me telling you something. You look like shit.

Why should I mind you're buying.

And another thing. What's with this writers crap, you still doin it?

only three words I can seem to put together these days are I'll have another.

What's the matter with you? You're gonna wind up livin like a fucking bum.

You're a young strong guy. Alright, you should be working for me Uncle Tony.

Business is business. You'd be surprised how one ain't really no different from the other.

-[Aldo] Tony. -Yeah Aldo.

[whispers]

[caughing] What the fuck you smoking a mattress?

Well listen kid, I gotta go now. I just found out they got a one day sale on piano whites.

[laughs]

Ah. You're okay kid. I'll see you around alright.

And you think about what I said, okay.

Number one thing, you always got your Uncle Tony to look after you. Alright nephew.

Alright I'll see you. [chuckles]

[Jimmy narrating] Business is business. Yeah right.

I found it difficult to equate machine gunning Sonny Corleone on the causeway

with running an Amway dealership.

Well, so much for the nectar of the Gods.

With Tony gone, it was back to Dick and his eye dropper.

Eh, what can you say when you don't pay.

-[bar chatter] -♪ [rock music in background] ♪

Dick.

-It seems to have emptied. -[pouring into glass]

Aye.

♪ [jazzy music] ♪

[Dick] Hey!

Jimmy.

I gotta take a leak real bad. Keep an eye on the joint while I'm gone will ya. [laughs]

No problem.

Dick. [sarcastically]

[Jimmy narrating] Money.

Hey asshole!

Dick. There's a woman who feel down outside I had to get some.

What are you doing stealing from me.

[yelling]

-♪ [frenzied jazz music] ♪ -[yelling]

-You stabbed me in the back. -Oohh!

-Oohh! -♪ [music stab] ♪

Get the fuck out of here.

[Jimmy] Dick I made a mistake.

[hysterical laughs in distance]

[muttering] Get the fuck out of here, don't fuck, get the fuck out of here.

-[Dick] Get out of here. -[dog howling]

[Jimmy narrating] Total humiliation.

The straw that broke the camels back.

Now I knew there was only one thing for me left to do.

And it didn't include shaving cream.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

♪ [jazz music] ♪

[spits up] [coughs]

[breathes out heavily]

[inhaling]

[breathes out heavily]

[sniffing]

[door squeaking closed]

[falls in corner]

♪ [jazzy music] ♪

[lighter ignites]

[Jimmy narrating] Wait a minute. Wait a second. This is it. I got it.

[blows repeatedly]

[repeated flapping]

-[blows repeatedly] -♪ [music swelling] ♪

-[Jimmy narrating] Exclusive. -♪ [jazzy music] ♪

Real life crime. Maybe my agent was right.

I mean this is what they wanted. Maybe I can give it to them.

Real life crime.

Not as told to, but as lived, by me.

Even Lori had a point. Writing isn't about writing, its about living.

Yeah Hemingway had his Africa and I had my Mulberry Street.

[cab car screeches]

Now you tell me which is more dangerous.

[Jimmy narrating] It would take balls as big as church bells and a little bit of luck,

but I'd been ready to cook myself just hours before so I figured,

I didn't have much to lose.

[chatter]

[Jimmy] Hey fuck face.

Oh look what the cat dragged in, relax Birdman before your piles flare up.

This is my nephew Jimmy Corona.

C'mon kid have a seat. Heh.

[Jimmy narrating] So far so good.

What'll you have kid a little espresso? Sure you will.

Hey Tina, bring over some espresso and throw some pastries on a plate.

[Jimmy narrating] Tony introduced me around.

-First it was Aldo "Birdman" Bodamo. -♪ [dramatic music] ♪

Birdman was big in the poultry bracket.

And he was the only member of the crew

that could cross Canal Street and be welcomed with opened arms.

-Then there was Marty "No Neck" Scalia. -♪ [mafia music] ♪

One Christmas some anonymous wisenheimer sent him a turtle neck sweater as a gag.

It wasn't so funny when No Neck found out who the wisenheimer was.

I've always ward that clothes made the man. In his case, they made him dead.

-Joey. Joey "Clams" Tantillo. -♪ [mafia music playing] ♪

The cops called him clams because he was tougher to crack open

than an ice cold cherry stone.

[Cop] C'mon Joey. Everybody knows you were in on the Fonzy Faro hit.

Hey he died in a kitchen accident.

[Cop] You expect me to believe he slipped and fell on that knife.

-Yeah. -[Cop] Thirty six times?

[Jimmy narrating] Yeah Joey was as slippery as uncooked squid.

But the calamari had the edge in the looks department.

What brings you down to my neck of the woods? I thought you were strictly uptown.

[Jimmy] Happen to be in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd pay my Uncle Tony a social visit.

Hey don't bullshit me. I wrote the book. C'mon. What's up?

Uncle Tony. I thinking about what you told me the other night.

Bout coming to work for you.

Just wondering if you were serious?

Meh. And what about the writing bullshit?

Aye, that's a suckers game. I'm tired of being a shnook.

And what do you think this is? Like doing down to work at post office?

Hey take me or not. I'm through with writing.

The only writing I want to do from now on is at the bottom of a bank deposit.

Well you just can't walk in over here you know even thought you're my nephew.

You got to prove yourself. you gotta make your bones here.

Who I gotta kill?

[Birdman] Who you gotta kill? [laughs]

Who's he gotta kill?

Who you gotta kill?

Who you gotta kill? Bing. [laughter]

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

[Frankie] Oh shut up all of you.

[sigh] Oh...

[Frankie] Hey Tony.

[Jimmy narrating] There he was. The man. Frankie the Fixer.

On the street they say you can chill Chianti next to his heart.

He was the capo de tutti capi of the Bagatelli family. And Tony was his right hand man.

[chatter in Italian]

Hey Marty. You hear about Louie Numbnuts?

[Marty] What about Louie Numbnuts?

They found his body in a trunk of a car over um bay.

-[Marty] Oh yeah? -Oh yeah.

They stuck him 27 times all in the face.

Think you could fix that. Look like a dart board in a Barneys store.

Bing. [laughter]

That's great. Dart board in a Barneys store. That's terrific.

[Jimmy narrating] Jesus this was great dialogue. If I just get to the men's room to write it down.

Hey Frankie. Do me a favor. I want you to meet my nephew, Jimmy Corona.

Nice to meet you sir.

Hey you know this kid used to be a writer.

What do you say we call him Jimmy Keys. what do you think?

Jimmy Keys.

[Frankie] Jimmy Keys. You eat cheese Jimmy keys?

-I stay away from dairy. -[Tony] Oh c'mon Frank. That's my nephew, that's my blood.

Just take care of those things we discussed. Capeesh?

Io capito.

Don't I always do the right thing?

Uh, marone a mi. Alright listen kid. Here's what we are gonna do.

I'm gonna send you out with one of my younger guys. You're gonna go on a few scores.

And then we'll see what we gotta see. Huh.

It's great to be aboard.

♪ [jazzy music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] The next day I hooked up with a soldier from Tony's crew named Billy Borelle.

Bink Bink for short. Since we're close in age, Tony thought we'd have a lot in common.

He had a smile like a shark. And a little less compassion.

[car screeches and glass breaks]

-[slap] -I didn't know it at the time but Billy was a feared button

man who liked to toy with his victims

the way a cat does a mouse.

They called him the Yazi killer because he made his hits roll for their lives.

-[dice scrambling] -The dice were loaded to come out in a straight

just so Billy could see the look on the pigeons face when he thought

Bink Bink was gonna let him walk.

[gun blast] ♪ [jazzy music] ♪

When he wasn't enforcing early retirement for the elderly or

more stupid members of the organization, Billy was a thief.

He recently gotten some info about a collector

who kept a shit load of gold and silver coins stashed in a safe in his apartment.

Billy glued the locks so he had time to beat it down the fire escape

if the collector came home early.

Want to take a crack at it Jimmy?

Okay.

You ever do one of these before?

You've one one, you've done em all, right? [laughter]

Go to it pal.

[alarm sounds off]

Shhh, shhhh.

[Jimmy narrating] Billy was a tad upset to say the least

but all things considered remarkably understanding

He calmly explained that what I done was wrong

and suggested in a subtly persuasive matter that I should do better our next time out.

[Jimmy narrating] Relieved and grateful I told him I certainly try.

♪ [mob jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] Like all crime families, the Bagetelle's did a lot of money lending.

Mostly to construction companies and restaurant owners.

You didn't have to fill out any forms, but God forbid you missed a payment.

♪ [mob jazz music] ♪

Listen up you so called fucking repair man because I'm only going to say this once.

Now you borrowed some money, am I right?

You know hat you owe and you know who you owe.

Unless you want to see me come back here, I suggest you pay up, understand?

Don't make me come back here. Or they're gonna be yanking this thing out of your ass.

[Jimmy narrating] The guy paid up the next day without Billy ever laying a hand on him.

[Jimmy narrating] The next job involved some joker at a big Brooklyn carwash

who was behind on his payments.

[Billy] Alright Jimmy.

Clifton is a very important part of what we do. So you gotta learn how to do it right.

-[Jimmy] Alright -[Billy] Once you do it, it could be a lot of fun you know.

I mean, uh, it doesn't matter what you look like or even how tough you are.

It's who you represent that counts.

Now remember, we represent the Bagatelli family. That's what they fear.

Most of the time that's all it takes, capeesh.

-[Jimmy] Yeah, yeah. -Alright. Go in there and show em who's boss.

I'm gonna pull the car through and meet you on the other end.

[Jimmy] Okay.

Bill, thanks.

[Billy] Don't take any shit.

[Jimmy narrating] Billy sent me in alone to deal with the guy.

Break my collecting cherry so to speak. And after seeing how easy it had been for Billy,

I figured I had it knocked. Like he said.

When I walk in there I was a representative of the Bagatelli family.

And no one would dare lay a finger on me.

How you doing jackass? Listen you owe some friends of mine some money.

Now I suggest you come up with a little cabbage

or I'm gonna cut your belly and show you the black stuff inside.

Now you got that jerk.

[sound of carwash]

[Jimmy narrating] I found out later that the guy that I was supposed to collect from

I would of apologized but by the time I realized my mistake he was busy

pounding my kidney into submission which made speech difficult.

Tony you know me, I respect family, I respect you're family.

But you can't keep sending me out with this banana.

I mean look at him, he's a total fuck up form the word go. He's gonna get me killed.

Wait a second. Look Uncle Tony This is getting blown way out of proportion.

How was I supposed to know the guy was from the water department.

He looked like a big-wig. It's just a minor misunderstanding.

[chuckles] Minor misunderstanding.

I had to call a cop for Christ sakes. I mean what if something like that gets around.

Jimmy, Jimmy, what am I gonna do with you?

Are you sure you ain't adopted and your mother never told me?

-Tony, I'm telling you the guy is hopeless. -[Tony laughs]

He ain't hopeless. You know what this is like?

When I was teaching my kid Vito how to swim,

I just kept throwing him in the deep water till he learned.

Everything is going to be alright. Listen to me.

[Jimmy narrating] At first I was relieved that Tony was sticking with me.

But then I remembered my cousin Vito had developed a phobia about water

-and hadn't taken a bath in 13 years. -[sound effect of water bubbles]

[car screeches up] [radio playing]

[door closes] [engine stops]

-[door closes] -I thought we were supposed to collect from somebody tonight.

Yeah that's right.

This is George's Place.

Yeah this is George's Place so what.

Uncle Tony hangs out here all the time.

Aye. Tony hangs out a lot of places. Business is business. Your owe money you gotta pay.

Now I'm warning you Jimmy. Don't fuck this up on me.

Tony Bando's nephew or not I'll have you sealed up in a oil drum and thrown in the East River.

-Quit hogging the doorway. -[sound of hitting]

I'm a cripple. What's wrong with you.

-[Cripple] Wacko. -[Jimmy] I'm sorry.

♪ [rock music playing in bar] ♪

[undistinguished chatter]

[George] Hey. I told you not to come back here you dead beat.

I got something to say to him. And you get out of here you fucking pig.

Hey told you to get out of here, you bum, you fucking bum, that's you.

-Who you calling a bum? -You, I call you a fucking bum. I spit on you.

-[spits] -Greek bastard!

-You Greek bastard! -[glass breaking]

C'mon bigshot. Huh? Why don't you thrown me in the gutter now. You slob.

Im with the Bagatelli's now.

And you owe them money.

And by this time next Friday you will not owe them money.

Do we understand each other?

-Ya. -Nay?

Yes.

For Christ sakes, break down and buy an air freshener in here huh.

The place stinks.

[sniffs air] [door opens and closes]

♪ [music playing] ♪

How was that Bink Bink? Was I to rough?

I never realized you're such a hot head.

I'm gonna meet a broad on the east side. Maybe she got a friend for you. You wanna come?

Nah. You go ahead. I'll stick around here for some of that Greek bastards liquor.

Alright kid. I'll catch ya tomorrow.

Oh, you did good Jimmy Keys.

♪ [bar music] ♪

[smacking] The hell you think you doin?

What you think I'm doing, I'm giving someone a beatin that's what I'm doing.

Where'd my buddy go? Where'd he go home to his wife and kids.

You know something. You're making a total ass out of yourself. Do you know this?

We were havin drinks because we were worried about you. What the hell has gotten into you?

What's gotten into, what gotten into you? Besides Kevin Friedland's tongue.

-Fuck you. -Fuck you!

No, fuck you.

Besides it's not any of your business anymore is it.

What are you bothering me for then? Can't you see I'm busy.

I got your goodbye note, very cute. Okay, it's over. Goodbye.

-Fine! -Beautiful.

Wonderful.

Why don't you have a drink.

Got any money.

Thank you.

♪ [seductive jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] Well Jimmy. Time to make your bones.

I'm Jimmy. What's your name.

-Angie. -[Jimmy] Well Angie, you got the face of an angel.

And the rest of me?

[Jimmy] That's another story.

How come I've never seen you in here before?

Well I try to avoid the criminal element.

[Jimmy] Why? You afraid of them?

No. [laughing] Thing is I have a weakness for them.

Listen Dick I suggest you take a little walk before I grind this glass into your ugly face.

I think you better go.

So where were we?

I was just about to ask you if you like it doggy-style.

♪ [seductive jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] Boy when she said doggy-style she really meant it.

Speak!

-Oh baby. You look real sexy tonight. -No, speak!

-Huh? -Speak!

-Woah. -Speak!

-Woof. -Louder!

-Woof. -Speak!

[Jimmy narrating] We made love like a couple of labradors in heat.

But later when she pulled out the house breaking wee-wee pads, I drew the line.

[dogs barking]

[Jimmy narrating] The next night Frankie sent us out on a job.

but I was sure it was important because Tony came along to run the show himself.

[Tony] Look at this cock sucker would you believe it he's eating and drinking

like there ain't no fucking tomorrow.

Hey let's face it Tony. As far as he's concerned there ain't no tomorrow.

You gotta have some kind of death wish fucking around with the Fixers daughter.

Angie ain't out only but a month and she's already causing trouble for us.

Loony bin. What the Fixer's daughter was in a nut house?

Hey you'd be a fucking nut job too if you lived with that maniac.

What do you think it's easy?

C'mon lets get ready.

Put these on, huh. Here.

This one's yours.

Hey forget about it. Nancy Reagan. I'm ain't a fucking woman.

It's just a fucking mask you idiot, just put it on.

[Tony] You ain't got George Washington, you got Barbara Bush, I'm George Washington.

You got George Washington? You always get to be the President Tony.

That's because I'm the boss you stupid cock sucker.

[Billy] Oh for Christ sake, who you got Jimmy?

-I think it's Alfred Hitchcock. -[Billy] Go switch with the Birdman.

Fuck no man. I'm ain't going to be Hitchcock. That psycho gives me the fucking creeps.

[Tony] Oh what am I running a fucking broadway show here?

Just put that mask on huh.

Go ahead, you fucking around now, we lost him, now where'd he go?

[Birdman] I don't know.

[Tony] There he is over there. Hit the gas.

♪ [chase jazz music] ♪

[car screeches]

Get in the fucking car. [mumbling]

Get outta here.

[Jimmy narrating] We took the poor son of a bitch to an old warehouse near the river.

And I only had slightly less crap in my pants than he did.

Please. I do not understand. I ain't a wise guy.

You're a fucking wise guy alright, you don't understand, huh.

-[smack] -[whimpering]

[Tony] Where have you been sticking your prick lately lover boy?

Ah, now you got nothing to say huh, so I guess you do understand.

You can't go around dipping your wick scum bag

any place you feel like you understand that don't you?

Don't you know a good Italian girl when you see one, dumbbell?

You gotta be a sick man fucking around with the Fixer's daughter.

I did not know. I swear to God I did not know.

[Tony] Well what can I tell ya pal. It's like what they say in the traffic courts,

ignorance of the law, ain't no fucking excuse cous'. [chuckles]

Please don't kill me. Please don't shoot me.

Me. I ain't gonna shoot you.

[whimpers]

-Nah, my nephew Jimmy is gonna shoot you. Hold. -♪ [dramatic music] ♪

C'mon Jimmy get over here. It's time to make your fucking bones.

It's time to become one of us. Make me proud of you.

[whimpers] Please. Please.

C'mon what's the hold up. What are you waiting for a blind fold.

Put the gun to his head and blow his fucking brains out so we can go eat I'm starving.

Oh big easy belly. The Fixer don't want him done in the head.

Through the fucking heart you gonna do it.

-[Tony] Through the fucking heart. -[Birdman] Do it.

Do it goddam it.

Jimmy I was just starting to like you. Now don't piss me off.

I knew I should of brought my dice. I'll shoot him myself you fucking pansy.

Take it easy Billy. Jimmy's my fucking blood he's gotta do it and he's gonna do it.

Tony what the fuck you pointing a gun at my head for.

Can't you see the punk ain't got the stomach for it?

[Billy] Let me clip the guy so we can get out of here.

-[Tony] He's got the stomach. He's gonna do it. -[Billy] No he don't.

[Tony] Do it now goddam it.

-The fuck you waiting for. Do it! -♪ [dramatic music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] Some people think they're in control of their lives.

Like Columbus. He thought he was heading for China, until he ran smack into the New World.

Look, what I mean is, without knowing it, I've been drifting towards this moment all my life.

♪ [dramatic music swells] ♪

[heavy breath] Please. Please. Please.

[crying]

[cat meows] [gun shots]

[cat meows]

It's a fucking cat. Those slugs cost a buck a piece.

Atta boy Jimmy Keys. I'm proud of you. You're one of us you son of a gun.

Uh, Uncle Tony...

The fuck you talking bout. Can't you see he's as dead as a doorknob. Look at him.

[Jimmy] Didn't go off. My gun must of jammed.

Holy shit. His heart must of fucking went.

A heart attack. That's bullshit.

It ain't bullshit. You three get back to the joint.

I'll take care of the fucking stiff. Go ahead, get out of here.

C'mon follow me killer.

Hey Tony.

What about the cat?

Who gives a fuck about the cat.

I do.

[boat horns]

there was some disagreement on whether I should receive credit for the hit.

I don't care what you say, he never shot the guy.

So what. He scared him to death what's the difference.

A heart attack shouldn't count. It ain't right.

Oh so you want Jimmy to take the rap just because this guy had a bum ticker.

-Yeah well look-- -He was gonna wack him, that's why the stickler went.

What goes on in a man's chest, is his own business.

Hey I had enough of your fucking bullshit, the two of you.

The fixer wanted him dead and he's dead. Case closed.

[Frankie] Hey Tony. You take care of the thing we discussed.

[Tony] Yeah Frankie its all done. My nephew Jimmy took care of it.

I think he likes you kid.

[Jimmy narrating] Frankie the Fixer likes me. Great.

Another Christmas gift. I'd have to buy.

Maybe Hallmark makes special cards for mobsters and psychopaths.

Oh. I was so busy being a wise guy

I totally forgotten reason I got involved in all this shit in the first place.

The pen. Not the gun.

A man was dead now. And worst of all,

I was one step closer to becoming a made man. Christ.

-What else could go wrong? -[car screeches]

♪ [dramatic musics] ♪

Piece of shit.

[indistinguishable shouting]

Get in here.

Take off.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪ [car screeches]

[Jimmy narrating] I figured I'd been nabbed by soldiers from another family.

Looking to send a message to the Bagatellis.

At first I entertained the hopes of a ransom demand or maybe an exchange of prisoners.

Then I saw they were headed for the meat packing district.

Now, I knew I was gonna be tomorrow's sausage.

♪ [dramatic mob music] ♪

[door closes]

[doors close]

[elevator rising]

[chair thrown on ground]

Look fellas., all I ask is that your leave something for my mother to bury okay.

Shut up or I give you another fat lip.

You don't talk unless we tell you to talk you understand?

[Cop 1] Your name is James Corona. Also known as Jimmy Keys.

You're 30 years old

and you're a soldier in the Bagatelli family.

You guys are cops. Cops.

[sigh] You're not gonna kill me.

Just shut the fuck up and answer the question. You Jimmy Corona?

Yeah, I'm Jimmy Corona. But I'm no soldier. I'm a writer.

-[Cop 1] Is this not Anthony Bando? Also known as Tony Dead Presidents.

Yeah.

And is that or that not you, he has his arm around?

Yeah that's me. He's my uncle. What are you guys feds?

[Cop 1] And this. Is this not William Borelle. Also known as Billy Bink Bink.

[Jimmy] Yeah.

Is that you standing in front of this doorway with him?

Yeah that's me. Look, what is this?

And believe me your life won't be worth dog shit unless you cooperate with us.

Fellas. I already told you. You got it all wrong. I'm a writer. I'm researching a book.

-[Cop 2] Really? -[Cop 1] Researching your book?

Yeah I'm no wise guy.

What about Rico Petrocelli?

He played ball for the Red Socks.

Not that Rico Petrocelli.

This Rico Petrocelli.

[Cop 2] That's right Jimmy. We know about the Petrocelli hit.

He died of a heart attack. Is it my fault the guys valves are clogged with cannoli?

What do you think you're funny huh? You keep it up punk

and you're gonna end up in the laundry room at sink sink so fast

it's gonna make your head spin.

Yeah and those big black boys doing life

are gonna love a little white pierce of chicken like you.

[Cop 3 chuckles]

Look, what do you guys want?

We want Frankie the Fixer. And we want you to set him up for us.

[Jimmy] I can't. I can't get Frankie the Fixer that's suicide.

And you better get yourself an industrial size tube of KY

you'll be needing it in the joint. [laughs]

-[Cop 1 makes chicken noises] -[everyone laughs]

It was either wear the wire or end up a common law's wife of a horny convict.

-[tape ripping off chest] -Ow! You're ripping my hair out.

Relax will you.

What do you think Harry. Goddamn equipment is stone aged, even the tape sucks.

How the fuck does the brass expect us to run a $5 investigation

-on 5 cent worth of shit. -[throws glasses on desk]

Chief says budget crunch. We're gonna have to make due with what we got.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold still.

Look, how does this thing work, huh?

It works great. AM frequency transmits to a nearby unit.

Alright, button-up.

[Jimmy narrating] Well, what can I say?

Things have sort of gone farther and weirder than I ever had expected.

I had strangely ambivalent feelings.

Tony, Billy and the others were the only one's who'd have ever taken me in.

Accepted me. Made me one of their own.

Now I was set to betray them to save my own ass. Literally.

[Joey] He started crying like a baby. When I smacked him, I almost killed him.

-[Birdman] hmm -[Joey] Remember?

That was the funniest thing I've ever seen the way that guy turned,

what a dog he turned out to be. It's unbelievable.

See you later, we'll buy a better one next time.

[undistinguished chatter]

[loud coughing]

-So, where's Frankie? -He's out back with his fruitcake daughter.

Woah, take it easy genius what you want to wind up in a car crusher. What's wrong with you?

[Billy] What's the big secret Tony, everyone knows she's a wacko.

to implicate Frankie more directly in an actual criminal act.

But I had to be subtle.

[chatter]

what Federal crimes have Frankie the Fixer committed? I mean that you have direct knowledge of.

[chuckles, laughing]

[Tony] What a fucking sense of humor this kids got.

[laughing]

[Tony slaps Jimmy's back] [Jimmy's wire picks up a radio station out loud]

[radio] goes back to pass, swings it out to Schmitt,

Schmitt at the 20, the 15, the 10, the 5, he scores!

[radio goes bad] [Jimmy hard coughing]

What was the score?

-[Jimmy] I think it was fourteen, nothing, Dallas. -[radio reception clears up]

[radio] Dear sweet Jesus. Deliver us from the many foul minions of the

[hard coughing] [radio reception goes bad]

[radio] were found in a trunk of a black Lincoln Continental. Executed mob style. Two bullets.

[Jimmy hacking, coughing] [radio reception goes bad]

-Coffee must of went down the wrong pipe. -[radio noises]

You fuck. You're going down the wrong pipe.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪ [dishes crashing]

[Billy] Come here. I don't believe it. The son of a bitch is wired.

[Tony] What! You fucking Judas. I'll kill ya. You fuck. I'll kill ya.

[Frankie] Knock it off. Knock it off.

I said knock it off. What's going on over here?

[Birdman] This little cock sucker is wired.

I'll stuff that piece of junk down your fucking throat.

-You wear a wire in my place? In my place?! -[Jimmy] Ouch.

[Frankie] We took you in. We made you what you are. And this is what you do to us?

[Jimmy narrating] I figured it was safe to assume that things couldn't get worse.

[Jimmy narrating] Until I heard the voice of doom.

-Right now! -Daddy, no I love him.

-You what? -I love him.

[Angie] I knew it the first night we slept together.

-Slept? Together? -Yes, daddy, love.

-[Angie] Please can I keep him, please. -What am I Lassie?

-I want him dead. -But couldn't you just hit him with a newspaper or something?

I want him dead. I want his head on a stick.

I want him chopped up with an axe and fed to a pack of dobermans.

[Tony] No Frankie. Let me do it. I brought him in. It's my responsibility.

I gotta show my loyalty to you and the family.

I don't give a rats ass who does it. I want it done.

I want Jimmy Corona dead before I sit down to dinner.

And get him the fuck out of here. Get him out of here!

Bye Jimmy. I really did care.

And you, you little butanna, you go right back to the convent.

-[sighs] -Hey Clams. Take her home.

Tell my wife to lock her up until I get there.

[Angie] Take it easy Clams before I smack you on the nose.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] I didn't fight. I didn't kick.

I just thought about everything I'd done. And all the people I'd hurt.

It all added up to one thing.

Whatever Tony and Billy had planned for me

I had it coming.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

[doors close]

[door closes]

[Tony] Put him in the fuckin' chair.

Don't make this tough on me you little parakeet. You don't want me to tie up now, do ya.

[Billy] You know, I'm not happy about this. Not happy at all.

I thought me and you were gonna be buddy pals.

Go to ball games together. Travel a bit, you know.

Hey, let's get on with this fucking bullshit huh.

Oh, c'mon Tony. I know the son of a bitch is a rat and all, but after all he is your blood.

The only fucking thing I'm going to cut is his throat, that's what I'm going to cut.

-[Billy] C'mon. Give him one chance. What do you say? -[dice rattle]

Alright kid. Your odds are slim, but what the fuck.

There are five dice in this cup. You get one roll. You roll a straight, we let you walk.

[dice rattle]

[Jimmy] Fuck you Bink Bink. There ain't no way I'm walking out of here and you know that.

So why don't you just, do what you gotta do, huh.

You know Jimmy, if you didn't want to play you didn't have to spoil it for everyone.

[zipper]

-Snake eyes. -[gun hits head]

[Tony] I always hated this Yatzee bullshit.

You gonna clip a guy, you just clip him. It's unprofessional.

What the hell is going on?

If things were as they seem I should've clipped you too, but things ain't as they seem.

Gimme a hand with this guy.

[Tony] Ma, mamma. What the fuck was he eating?

[coughs]

Hey sonny. I've got a big surprise for ya. Take a look at this.

[Tony chuckles]

See you ain't the only rat around here.

Holy mackerel. Uncle Tony. You're not a squealer.

Tie him up, I'll tell ya bout it.

See I got this strange quirk. I like to flee.

And I got the feeling the Fixer was gonna cut off my fucking air supply.

Why? I thought you two were like pals. You know, you're his right hand guy.

You don't understand the Fixer. The closer you get to him, the more threatened he feels.

Anyway, I got nailed on an old score by the cops. They had me cold.

So I figured I started wearing the wire.

But I knew it wasn't gonna be enough.

Oh yeah? Why wasn't wearing a wire enough?

I'll tape his mouth.

Because Frankie is a cagey cock sucker.

Never says anything straight out.

-He always dances around it. -[tape ripping]

So I had to get him pissed off. I mean really pissed off.

So you used me. You son of a bitch. You used me.

[Tony] Hey. Who used who?

You were the one writing the book.

And don't try and deny it because the badges told me.

That's not the same thing. I could of gotten my head chopped off.

And what the fuck do you think was gonna happen to me when your book hit the stands?

What you think they was gonna make me police commissioner?

So, don't point no fingers.

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

Who gives a fuck about Bink Bink. By the time they find him, we'll be in Pittsburg.

C'mon lets get the hell out of here.

[Jimmy] No.

Leave it on for him.

[Tony] You always got something to say, huh big mouth.

[Jimmy] I don't know. I still don't understand what the hell is going on here.

You were gonna let me kill Rico?

C'mon the guy was an undercover cop. He was wired with a blood bag.

How the fuck was I supposed to know his pump was gonna explode?

What is that supposed to make me feel better or something.

Hey, this all happened after I brought you in.

I had to figure a way to get the fixer and get you out.

Was kinda sticky, but I had no choice.

Did you get Frankie?

Did I get Frankie? Listen to this nephew. [laughs]

[Frankie on recorder] I don't give a rats ass who does it. I want it done.

-I want Jimmy Corona dead before I sit down at dinner. -[recorder clicks off]

Conspiracy to commit murder. This prick will be making license plates in no time.

Oh, that's great for him. What about us, huh? What happens to us?

The case goes federal. We go on the Witness Protection Program.

New names, new identity, the works.

Don't worry bout nothing kid, I got everything covered. C'mon get in the car.

[dogs barking]

[door opens]

Yo Belch, I got a present for you pal.

Oh hi Tony. Wassup?

That's what I want to ask you. What the fuck is going on here?

The investigation has been cancelled.

Cancelled. The investigation has been cancelled. [laughs]

[Belcher] There's no more money to keep it going.

You know I got to say I feel slightly embarrassed about it.

What are you talking about? I got the Fixer for ya.

I've got him cold. I've got all the evidence right here.

[Belcher] There's nothing I can do. I don't have the resources to follow up on. I'm sorry.

You're sorry. Me and my fucking nephew are gonna wind up on meat hooks and you're sorry.

Hey Tony. Look, let's call a spade a spade here. I'm a cop and you're a criminal.

Personally as far as I'm concerned I don't give a fuck what happens to you.

You got it? You got it smart face?

-Thanks. You're stoolies. All of ya. -♪ [sad piano music] ♪

[chuckles]

Oh wait, Belcher, wait a minute I want to testify.

Come here let him go huh?

Can't you see he was born a fucking rat that's why he became a cop you imbecile?

He's the only one that can help us.

Don't worry bout it. I'll take care of it.

-We're dead Uncle Tony. -We ain't dead.

[Jimmy mockingly] "Yeah I got everything under control. I got everything covered."

The only thing that's gonna be covered is me in a body bag.

[Tony] The hell are you worried bout. I told you we got the tape didn't I?

The cops don't even want it. So what's our next move genius?

[Tony] Binky. We better get back to the warehouse quick and where Bink Bink

before he exposes his guts to the Fixer.

[Jimmy] Hey Uncle Tony, do us all a favor huh, and leave the thinking to me from now on.

♪ [piano and mob music playing] ♪

[Jimmy] There he is! He''s out of the chair.

[Tony] Look at him huh. Take it easy Uncle Tony. Let me handle this. Give me, give me a heater.

Give me, toss me a rod.

[Jimmy] Hey! Where the hell do you think you're going, huh?

Oh I thought you and me were gonna be buddy pals, huh, you son of a bitch.

What do you mean Jimmy, we are buddy pals you don't think I was really gonna shoot ya do ya?

[Billy] Hey that's just my way of letting in a little ray of hope in guy's lives.

It's just what I do, it's my trademark.

Woah, woah wait a minute. What did you just say?

-[Billy] It's my trademark. -No. What else?

[Billy] It's what I do.

-[angelic awes] -[Jimmy narrating] It's just what I do. What I do.

And I suddenly realized how we can buy ourselves out of this mess.

-[car honks] -[Tony] Hey genius. Get in the car.

You tell him how much you love him later, huh. C'mon.

♪ [acapella jazz quartet] ♪

[Billy] Hey Tony what about the rope, man, my wrists are starting to hurt.

You've been acting kinda weird ever since I whacked you on your head.

The same one that saw you putting on lipstick the other day.

[Tony] And you, Truman Capote How come you ain't writing?

Got a problem.

[Tony] Ya, well what is it?

I got writer's block Uncle Tony.

[Tony] The fuck is writer's block? Could you tell me?

It's like...

you ever been with a woman and you couldn't get it up?

[Tony] No. Eh, maybe once or twice.

And what did you do about it?

-[Tony] I got it up. -Well, it's not so easy for me.

Well I'll make it easy. How's this for some inspiration.

-[gun goes off] -[Billy] Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

-[Tony laughs] -[Billy] Let it pass. Let it pass.

Why are you pressuring him?

Shut up. Now see if you can get it up. Here we go.

[fingers typing]

-I got it now. I got it. -[Tony] Good boy.

I got it. I got it. Thank you.

Thank you.

This is good. This is gonna be a good one.

[Jimmy narrating] It was a couple of days before I could write

without Tony pointing that gun at me.

Kinda kinky I guess.

But i knew everything was gonna be okay.

Life soon took on a nice rhythm of work and play.

Tony climbed aboard my book project as a technical advisor.

He proposed a 50/50 split of the profit to which I quickly agreed.

Besides, I had no choice.

Tony made some helpful editorial suggestions.

One being to eliminate any reference to his bed wetting years

when he was known as Tony Sheets.

I thought it was important character information but Tony convinced me otherwise.

We had a few domestic disputes like any household

but I was pretty much oblivious to anything except to work.

I was a writer again.

All work and no plays makes Jack a dull boy. Bink Bink agreed.

He taught us how to relax by playing his little dice game.

Due to the loss of blood from his head wound, it was the only activity he could endure.

It brought back some fond memories for the little guy.

But Tony quickly directed him back to reality.

♪ [acapella jazz continues] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] I really enjoyed those get togethers.

It helped alleviate some of the tension. I was exhausted.

But Tony was always there for inspiration. We were headed for the home stretch,

and I couldn't wait to get our of these pajamas.

ready to take our masterpiece the next day to the publisher we had contacted.

For the first time in years, everything was going according to plan.

♪ [acapella jazz continues] ♪

For the first time in years, I felt nothing could stop me.

It's Bink Bink. Yeah that's right, Bink Bink.

At the publisher's office tomorrow. Three o'clock. Both of them.

Yeah, yeah I'll take care of it.

♪ [All singing in car] Sixty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, ♪

♪ sixty-eight bottles of beer. ♪

♪ If one of those bottles should happen to fall, ♪

♪ oh sixty-seven bottles of beer on the wall. ♪

♪ Sixty-seven bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-seven bottles of beer. If one of-- ♪

-[Tony] I don't know what the hell is going on. -[Jimmy] Uncle Tony.

[Tony] It was jumping up and down.

[Jimmy] Pull over onto the shoulder.

[Tony] Jesus christ. We're not gonna make it.

[Tony] Well, we better start walking or we won't make it man.

[Jimmy] Nobody wants to listen to me. I said take the train.

[Tony] It's gotta be the alternator or something. I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Jimmy] What is it an 89, is it an 89?

[Tony] What the hell do I know know what it is? What am I a Caddi salesman in here.

Hey Bink, you know anything about engines?

You gotta have an act for that kind of thing Jimmy.

-♪ [dramatic music] ♪ -[Jimmy] Maybe you should check this dipstick.

[Tony] Hey I ain't touching nothing until the goddam engine cools off. Capeesh.

There's no motors.

Hey what's the matter?

Listen guys, I'm useless with engines anyway. I'm going to go lay down inside alright.

What's he talking bout the tire, it's the engine.

I thought he knew. I thought he looked like he might know.

[Tony] The cars busted and he's laying down.

[city noise]

Woah, woah, wait a second, wait a second. Uncle Tony, should we tell him before we go up?

Yeah, go ahead.

Listen, Bink, just wanna let you know that we really appreciate,

you know everything, you've done for us. We know we've been rough on ya the last couple of weeks.

But just everything you did made it very easy for us you know the, the cooking,

and teaching us how to play Yatzee and everything. It just gave us the,

the strength that we needed and to show our appreciation,

we're dedicating the book to you.

-How's that? -All is forgiven pal.

Wait a minute. You're dedicating the book to me?

That's right.

I don't know what to say. I'm a little overwhelmed, quite frankly.

-Billy, it's not that big of a deal. -That's right.

I don't know how to tell you this but uh I'm afraid I got some bad news for you.

-Well, uh, spit it out. -[car screeches]

♪ [dramatic music] ♪ -Hit the deck.

[multiple gun shots]

[glass shatters]

Hold the elevator.

[elevator ding]

There's been a shooting.

[secretary] You can't go in there.

[Billy] Alert the media.

[woman] Oh God.

[Billy] Ugh.

[man] My God, what's going on here?

[police sirens]

♪ [news story music] ♪

[reporter] This afternoon, three members of the Bagatelli crime family,

Billy Bink Bink Borelli, Tony Dead Presidents Bando, and Jimmy Keys Corona

were shot outside a lower Manhattan office building.

The lone gunman was said to have fled the scene of the crime via a late model,

Lincoln Continental, and has yet to be arrested.

The only clue's left behind were several dead pigeons.

Details of the shooting are sketchy right now.

We hope to have more on this late breaking story, tonight at eleven.

[Tony] Hey kid, how are you feeling over there?

[Jimmy] I don't know Uncle Tony. My ass feels like it's on fire.

-Yeah I know you should see mine. You could fry bacon on it. -Oh, Jesus.

Why don't you two just settle down. You're acting like a couple of infants.

Hey you, why don't you just shut up and do your job, huh?

Okay, no problem.

[Tony mockingly] "Okay, no problem." Ow! Jesus Christ!

Nurse. Do you think I could get some ointment here?

I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait. I've got my hands full with this idiot.

Idiot? How bout if I take that bottle and shove it up-- Ahh! Jesus Christ get out of here.

-Well, it's been a real pleasure fellas but I've gotta go. -Oooh.

Oh you'll get yours. The head nurse will be in shortly. So long, kids.

Eh let her go. She's got a touch like a lumberjack anyway. That's why I hate hospitals.

Least we're not in the morgue. Just where Bink Bink might be.

Ha. I'm just thinking about that. Remember that joint was all full of blood.

We better get our asses sewn up and get the hell out of here.

-I'm with you Uncle Tony. -[Tony] That's right.

[Frankie] Hi fellas. How you making out?

Fixer.

I came as soon as I heard.

Hey, hey Frank you don't understand. Let me explain something to you.

They made us do it. Hey Jimmy, tell him huh.

[Jimmy] He's right. They, they forced us. How can I make it up to ya Don Giachetti. Anything.

No, I'm going to make it up to you. As a matter of fact I have a present for you.

Birdman.

-Let 'em have it. -[Tony and Jimmy yelling]

Nobody beats the Fixer when it comes to a book deal.

Especially with me as his technical advisor.

Holy shit. Who would of figured this?

Let's go Birdman.

I want to close the Harlequin deal before we go to the theater.

Tony, bon appétit.

[Frankie whistling]

Hey kid. What do we do now?

-♪ [church music] ♪ -[Priest speaking in Latin]

[Tony] I. Thirty. [chuckles]

[cage rattling]

O. Sixty-one.

I'm a little nervous about this Uncle Tony.

Like I already told you the priest he's in on it with us. [chuckles]

Hi father. God bless. [chuckles]

[cage rattles]

[Tony] N. Thirty-eight.

What if something goes wrong?

What the hell is gonna go wrong? I've been running crooked games all my life.

Don't you think I could handle a couple of old hens for Christ's sake?

[cage rattles]

Why don't you stop breaking my balls?

Maybe we are blessed.

-B. Twelve. -[Bingo Winner] Bingo. I did Bingo. I win.

Bingo my-- hey what the-- hey card checker, check that card over there huh.

B9, B5, B12, yes the lady is a winner.

[cheers and clapping]

Woah, woah. Let me see that card.

Your glasses must of been fogged up or something. You got a number out of place over here.

That's an automatic disqualification. I hate to tell you this

but I gotta take this card back for evidence. I'm sorry.

-Where the hell do you think, -Woah!

I don't need no priest to set her straight you pay up or you lose your job.

-♪ [comical mob music] ♪ -Aye, aye father.

What's fair is fair my son.

Hey, hey, your hearts are weak. Hey. Take it easy. Hey.

[yelling and fighting]

-♪ [playful mob music] ♪ -[Tony] I just got kicked with an orthopedic shoe.

You rat you. I'm going to kill you if you move.

No. Hey father. Get hen pin Mary the hell out of here huh.

[Tony] What are you doing. Please. It's really tight now. There's no reason for this.

I'm really restricted. You're tying it to tight.

[Tony] I mean it.

What are you in the Navy or something.

-Off the block. -Out of my way.

-They're cutting me off-- -[yelling]

Jimmy. Ah, ah, Jimmy.

[Tony] Knock it off. Aye get off of me. Aye get out of here would ya.

Ladies, ladies. Please no need to fight-- ow. Jesus Christ.

Aye get the hell out.

[indistinct chatter]

-You're breaking my neck. -Yes, You don't need you're neck.

Listen, I can get you Art Linkletter's phone number.

How bout Mickey Rourke?

Mickey Rourke? I don't know him personally, I--

-That's who I want. -How bout Redford? [Jimmy] Redford? No.

-[lady] No? -[Jimmy] He gets skin treatments anyway.

Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Jimmy. Woah. Ahh. Jimmy.

[yelling and fighting]

[Jimmy] I don't know him personally.

-[lady] Well then how about Alan King? -Alan King?

-Yeah. -I could work on it. I, I got my cousin works for NBC.

-Yeah, well maybe you can get him for me. C'mon. -What are you wearing?

[indistinct chatter]

-He's gonna get us guys. -It's a lovely scent.

-Let him-- -My hands are blue. Tony.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

I can't believe it. Those old broads were tougher than the hell's angels.

They did things to me.

C'mon. Let's just grab a cab into Brooklyn, huh.

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

♪ [angelic choir music] ♪

♪ [acapella jazz quartet] ♪

♪ [acapella jazz quartet] ♪

[evil laughing]

♪ [Multicom Entertainment Group jingle] ♪