All language subtitles for Me and the Mob_English CC

♪ [Multicom Entertainment
Group jingle] ♪

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

[various evil and
hysterical laughs]

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪
[cars honking]

-[telephone rings]
-[secretary] International
literary agency.

Bobby Blitzer's office.
Can I help you?

Bobby Blitzer's office
please hold. Thank you.

Yes, this is Mr.
Blitzer's office.

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

♪ [jazzy mob music
gets quiet] ♪

♪ [jazzy mob music continues] ♪

♪ [office music plays] ♪

[door closes]

♪ [office music
continues to play] ♪

[secretary] Uh, he's got a few
moments for you Mr. Conora.

[Jimmy Corora] It's Corona.

[door closes]

[knocks]

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,
Johnny, Johnny. Come on in.

-The names Jimmy.
-Jimmy, Jimmy.

How you doin' fame?

You look, uh,

you look like shit man.
What are you doing?

You hanging out in the bottom
of a bottle or somethin'.

You want a drink? Just
kidding, what can I do
for ya?

Well Bobby, you know
I've been working on
a big project

and you know I'm havin
trouble just gettin
into the office

I mean I've been waitin
out there for hours.

Yeah well are you, are you a
baby, are you baby Jimmy,

are you a big cry baby
in a dress, is that
what you are?

Whaaa. Why don't you
sit up straight.

C'mon sit up, sit up like a man
with a cock in between his legs
not some paper cup.

Like a, like a bum
with a paper cup.

I mean what, what, what's
your problem anyway?

Problem?

Problem is I, I... I
don't feel like you're
workin for me anymore.

Okay. [burrrs] We
got that out.

Okay, not working for you.
That's good. Let's talk
about that, okay?

I'm not working for you and
you're the boss. Give me
your hand. [chuckles]

[Jimmy] I'm, I'm relieved
you feel that way

you know I, I was kinda
nervous about being so

-Hey. Jimmy. You never have to
be nervous with me. Okay?
-Okay.

Don't ever, ever be
nervous around me.

Just give me somethin that I can
work with alright. Give me
somethin I can work with.

Oh man, I outta
strangle you.

I'd a chop your fingers off and
feed em to Norman Mailer's dog.
You piece of dumb...

-[intercom] Bobby.
It's double day.
-Uh, just a second.

Yeah. Hi. How are ya.
Good. An Advance.

Quarter of a million?

Make it half a
million. Alright. I
love you babe. Okay.

Ma, you gotta quick
callin over here.

No, I can. I love you too
Ma. I love you a lot.

[smooching lips sounds]

-[phone clicks]
-Okay look.

Don't worry bout who that
was. You gotta try doin
somethin for me.

You gotta stop wondering how
you're gonna get your 90%.

And you gotta start worrying
about how I'm gonna be
getting my 10%.

Do you understand?

Because look Jimmy, I
want to work with
you. I really do.

But you're gonna have
to give me something
to work with.

-What about the book
proposal I sent you?
-[loud exhale]

Jimmy, stop. Stop,
look and listen.

There are a
million JFK

assassination theory books
out there in print

and the world just does not
need another right now.

-[Jimmy] I know, but mine
explores a new angle.
-[chuckles] Ah, Jimmy,

Jimmy. Nobody
is gonna buy

that Lee Harvey Oswald first
decided to kill the president
of the United States

because he was spurned
romantically by
Marilyn Monroe.

That's the piece of the puzzle
that's always been missing.
The motive.

I mean all those other
books try and say that

Oswald wasn't involved, or
Oswald didn't act alone.

Now I'd be saying that Oswald
did act alone and why.

That's totally new.

Stand up for a minute. Stand up.

-What's the matter?
-Give me a hug. C'mon.
Give me a hug.

I love you Jimmy. You know that.
You believe me?

-[Jimmy] Yeah.
-You trust me?

-[Jimmy] Yes.
-When I tell you you're out of
your fucking mind!

Look theoretically, there's
no evidence at all to
suggest that

Lee Harvey Oswald ever even
met Marilyn Monroe.

Second of all, there's no
evidence to suggest

that he was even within a
thousand miles of her.

Look, I got a reliable source.
I'm gettin' information right
from the top.

Yeah from the top of your mind.
You're out of it pal.

Now look, can I just get a
small advance so I can get
down to work

-[urg]
-lemme get into the
archives and find the

evidence myself. I know
it will turn up.

Now I got something there!
I wanna run with it!

C'mon, c'mon okay.

I mean a love triangle between
Kennedy, Oswald and Monroe?
Please.

You know what you're
doin' right night? You
know what you're doin'?

You're embarrassing yourself.
Humiliating yourself.

Tell you what, why don't
I put you on the

right now and the whole
building can hear it.

It's embarrassing. Go
ahead. Keep talking.

-[intercom clicks]
-See.

Look. I got three
words for you.

Real. Life. Crime stories.

That's what they're looking for.
Real life crime stories. Say it
with me,

say it with me. Say it with
me. Real life crime
stories. Say it!

-Real life crime stories.
-Say it again.

Real life crime stories.

It's the intense stuff. The
real nitty, gritty, street
stuff you know like uh,

like uh, what is that
Rescue 911, uh, uh America's
Most Wanted that kinda stuff

that's what they're looking
for. You gotta give me
something like that.

But look, you come in here
and you're asking me why
you're not working

[sucks teeth]
Hurts. You're killing me.

But listen. Ask not what your
agent can do for you, ask what
you can do for your agent!

Kennedy.

Yep.

[sigh] Now beat it I
got some work to do.
I love you, you know that.

-That's it. Just gonna
make me leave.
-Please I got some work to do.

Just umm, I, I sent
a screenplay in a...

-Leave with Dotty.
Leave with Dotty.
-Umm,

it's a high concept thing that
you might be able to tweek...

Okay. okay. I'm drained.
I'm drained.

Could we go out sometime for
a cup of coffee...

Please. Humiliating
yourself again.

-[Jimmy] Okay bye bye.
-Oh, bye, bye Jimmy.

[door slams]

♪ [jazzy music] ♪

[Jimmy quacks]

[continuous quacks]

Hey look let's cut the
shenanigans huh.

Why don't you just come here
and talk to me face to face.

Don't turn around Jimmy. Don't
look at me. Just keep walking
okay. Walk.

Alright. Take it
easy will ya.

Did you bring the money?

To tell you the truth Fred,
I can't afford these
meetings anymore.

Not according to my
agent. He thinks the
whole thing is idiotic.

-I mean Oswald,
Kennedy, Monroe.
-You told your agent?

I warned you about
this didn't I?

The whole coverup is too deep
for any agents to understand.

Well maybe he's got a point. I
mean, think about it.

Listen. You ungrateful maggot.
Don't you understand with what
you're involved with here.

Alright. Take it easy Jimmy.
Alright, calm down, calm down,
alright. Just relax. I'm sorry.

[sighs] Look the Oswald thing is
too hot for you, I got
something else. Okay?

Very close friend of mine works
down at the Pentagon. Okay.

He could prove beyond a shadow
of doubt that not only did FDR
had prior knowledge

on the attack at Pearl Harbor
but he also helped plan it.

That's right. Did you know his
grandmother was half Japanese?

You could see it in his eyes
in some early photographs.

That's why he started
wearing the round glasses.

Oh and the polio thing. Total
fake. He kept the transmitter
in his wheelchair.

I know what you're thinking.
What's the motive right.

He had his eye on the big
picture. I mean look at Japan
today. Need I say more.

Now look, give me 75 up front
and I'll put you in contact
with me contact.

[Jimmy] What are you crazy?

My grandfather was killed
at Pearl Harbor.

[man sighs]

Alright listen, I, I got
thirty five dollars.

[clears throat] How bout I
give you 35 up front and uh,
I cut you in 5% of the book?

That's a deal.

[Jimmy] No, no.
What am I crazy?

I'm not gonna get involved in
this crap again.

-Hey, hey, we just made a deal.
-Yeah, well go call a
lawyer and sue me.

Alright, what about
this? George Bush.

A friend of mine has got
pictures of him in a
prom dress 1943.

Look. I just said I'm not
interested. I want you to
just leave me alone okay.

[Crazy man] Did you know that
Elvis was really a woman?

And that his twin sister
is still alive?

Hey you know what happened
to Lindberg baby?

He was eaten by
Babe Ruth. [laughs]

-[Crazy man] What?
-[Jimmy] Why don't you go
bother somebody else.

Hey get back here. Don't
walk away form me.

Wanna see something big Jimmy,
I got something big.

Here ya go! Huh. Here's your
single bullet theory!

-[Crazy man] What a loser.
-♪ [sad jazzy music] ♪

I guess you really do have to
hit rock bottom before you
can rise again...

I can't believe it was just a
year ago when I was selling
articles left and right...

to magazines like Esquire,
Rolling stone, Modern
Maturity...

Every agent in town
wooed me to sign

now the words just
wouldn't come out no
matter how hard I tried...

Now, I was no longer the
promising young writer

my parents bragged about
to their friends...

I was pushing 30 becoming
the most dreaded of all
things a family joke...

I mean my brother was
a donut maker...

But now he was the one they
mentioned with pride at the
weekly Gin Rummy games...

Man oh man.

Well I guess it
could be worse...

I mean at least I had
my health, a roof
over my head...

and a loyal loving companion
who stuck by my side through
thick and thin...

Now those are the things that
are most important in life.
Well, aren't they?

[door screeches]

Jimmy?!

[Jimmy] Hi Babe.
Where you been?

-Shopping.
-Great. Cuz the
cupboards are practically naked.

What's for dinner?

♪ [angelic voices singing] ♪

Oh.

I don't know it feels a little
tight. What do you think?

What I think? How much did
all this crap cost?

[sighs] Look Lori you can't go
out buying yourself extravagant
little gifts.

-I'm broke. We're struggling
-I know, I know, I know. But see

I wasn't thinking of this just
as an extravagant little gift
for me, it's for you too.

To help you relax. To help us
confront some of these uh

little problems we've
been having lately.

-Confront. Problems. What.
-[kissing]

Did you get any work
done today honey bear?

-Well, yeah you know I,
I'm um um sitting here
-Uh huh

I got a block
and I'm trying

I know baby how you haven't
written a printable
sentence in months.

Hey I know. Okay? You don't have
to tell me every five minutes.

You know, maybe its time
you started pursuing
something else

What are you saying I should
quick writing, huh? You want
me to quit writing!

-Oh!
-Oh God!

-Oh. Hey.
-Yeah that's it.

You know what it's like
it's like we're not
kids anymore, okay?

I gotta start thinkin' about
my future while I still got
onto think about

-Oh God.
-Look Lori, uh its a kinda

hard having this discussion
now you know what I mean?

-My, my plate is full.
-You want to know why you're
never gonna be a writer Jimmy?

I'll tell you why. Because you
think writing is about writing,

well it's not, writing is
about living okay writing
is the least of it. Uhh!

-What the hell do you know--
-Oh God!

-about it huh. What do
you know about writing?
-Oh God!

I'll tell you what I know.
Hemingway hunted wild
animals in Africa,

he fought the Fascists in Spain,
Thomas Wolfe devoured life till
he almost died

-Ooo
-But you, you never leave this
apartment anymore

except to maybe go drink in
with your stupid friends

and you wonder why you
can't think of anything
to write huh, huh, huh.

Well, uh if that's the way
you feel about it, then--
Woah, why, ooo why, why

-Why am I having sex
with you like this?
-Yeah.

-Because maybe I feel guilty.
-You feel guil-- ooo why, why

-Why do I feel guilty?
-Yeah.

-Cuz I have to leave you Jimmy.
-What? What are
you talking bout?

-Oi.
-And I'm..

-Oh.
-Oh God.

-Oh there it is.
-Oh God.

And I'm leaving you this,
Oh God, to remember me
by, Oh God,

[convulsing ohs]

ooooh, oi papi, oh God,
oh God, oh God,

-oh yes, oh God.
-[breathing heavy]

Don't move.

-Oo I'm sensitive
-I know, I know its sensitive,

Oh Jesus.

Unless you can give me

one very, very good reason

why I should stay.

Exactly what I thought

[moans]
I'm beat.

-I know, I know you're beat.
-[slaps hand on counter]

♪ [sad jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy Narrating] Change
professions she gives me.
Hemingway she gives me.

Yeah, he held it at Africa. But
he also wound up having shotgun
pellet marinara for dinner.

It was the end of a romance I
guess its like what soldiers say
about the bullet that kills ya.

You just never
see it coming.

♪ [upbeat jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy Narrating] Just needed
some time to think and gather
my thoughts so I,

I headed over to my other
pillar of strengths. George's.

♪ [rock music playing in bar] ♪

[man in bar] Take good
care of her.

[chatter]

Enjoy yourself.

Johnny. Ah, it's so good to see
you. Wonderful.

[chuckles with mumbled words]

-It's Jimmy.
-Ji-- Jimmy.
Of course its Jimmy.

Jim Jim Jimmy. You come and
see me sometime. I love to
see you. Always.

♪ [rock music] ♪

Hey Dick.

[Dick] Hey, hey hey hey.
Shakespeare. [laughs]

I loved your article in Jugs.
You fucking pervert.

[Jimmy] Yeah. That's
really funny. That's
a good one you know.

Listen Dick, uh, I'm a
little short tonight.

Short? Lately your
fucking incredible
shrinking man. [laughs]

[Jimmy] That's, that's
another great one.

You know something. You
should become a stand up
comedian, you know that.

Hey, c'mon, only for you
I only do this.

[Jimmy] Yeah right. If I had a
pair of boobs you'd be giving
me free drinks all night long.

Maybe you should relax a
little bit Jimmy. Eh.

You know all this sarcasm
you know can't be too
good for your health.

You're right. You're
right Dick. Sorry.

Drink up.
[chuckles]

-[Tony] Hey fuck face.
-♪ [dramatic music] ♪

What's the matter with you.

You forgot your uncle
already big shot?

Heh? What a fucking shame
you became too important
for me huh.

[Jimmy Narrating] Jesus. My
uncle Tony. Tony dead
presidents they called him.

Supposedly for the
thick wad of cash he
was never seen without.

But for all I know, he
could of been the guy
that clipped Kennedy.

[Tony] C'mon over here.
Stop the bullshit.

Don't be breaking my balls,
eh, for Christ sake. You
little free hole.

Get your ass over here what do
I got leprosy or somethin?

Sit down and have
a drink with me.

Hey Uncle Tony I didn't see
you sittin here I would of
come over sooner.

What are you Ray Charles?
You can't see 10 feet in front
of you all of a sudden? [laughs]

[Jimmy] Good one.

-[Jimmy sighs]
-[Tony] So what are you havin?

-Whatever you're havin
is fine with me.
-The best is what I'm havin.

[Jimmy narrating] Tony told the
family he was in pizzerias and
linen supplies.

But we all knew better. Tony
was a wise guy, a gangsta.

[Tony] It's private stock. Look
over here. So tell me kid,
how's your mother.

She's good. She's good. She
tells me to say hello if I
run into you.

Yeah, your mother, God bless
her. Every time my name comes
up, she splits on the ground.

And your father, that other
fucking bug, he's another
big booster of mine.

They always told you to
stay away from me,
ain't I right?

[Jimmy narrating] Yep. One of
the few pieces of advice I
ever took from the old man

Thank you.

Ah well fuck it. C'mon here is
to your health. A salute.

[Tony speaks Italian]

[Jimmy speaks
in Italian]

[Tony] You don't mind me
telling you something.
You look like shit.

Why should I mind
you're buying.

And another thing. What's
with this writers crap,
you still doin it?

only three words I can seem to
put together these days are
I'll have another.

What's the matter with you?
You're gonna wind up livin
like a fucking bum.

You're a young strong guy.
Alright, you should be working
for me Uncle Tony.

Business is business. You'd be
surprised how one ain't really
no different from the other.

-[Aldo] Tony.
-Yeah Aldo.

[whispers]

[caughing] What the fuck you
smoking a mattress?

Well listen kid, I gotta go now.
I just found out they got a one
day sale on piano whites.

[laughs]

Ah. You're okay kid. I'll see
you around alright.

And you think about
what I said, okay.

Number one thing, you always got
your Uncle Tony to look after
you. Alright nephew.

Alright I'll see you.
[chuckles]

[Jimmy narrating] Business
is business. Yeah right.

I found it difficult to equate
machine gunning Sonny Corleone
on the causeway

with running an
Amway dealership.

Well, so much for the
nectar of the Gods.

With Tony gone, it was back to
Dick and his eye dropper.

Eh, what can you say
when you don't pay.

-[bar chatter]
-♪ [rock music in background] ♪

Dick.

-It seems to have emptied.
-[pouring into glass]

Aye.

♪ [jazzy music] ♪

[Dick] Hey!

Jimmy.

I gotta take a leak real bad.
Keep an eye on the joint while
I'm gone will ya. [laughs]

No problem.

Dick. [sarcastically]

[Jimmy narrating] Money.

Hey asshole!

Dick. There's a woman who
feel down outside I had
to get some.

What are you doing
stealing from me.

[yelling]

-♪ [frenzied jazz music] ♪
-[yelling]

-You stabbed me in the back.
-Oohh!

-Oohh!
-♪ [music stab] ♪

Get the fuck out of here.

[Jimmy] Dick I
made a mistake.

[hysterical laughs in distance]

[muttering] Get the fuck out
of here, don't fuck, get the
fuck out of here.

-[Dick] Get out of here.
-[dog howling]

[Jimmy narrating] Total
humiliation.

The straw that broke
the camels back.

Now I knew there was only
one thing for me left to do.

And it didn't include
shaving cream.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

♪ [jazz music] ♪

[spits up]
[coughs]

[breathes out heavily]

[inhaling]

[breathes out heavily]

[sniffing]

[door squeaking closed]

[falls in corner]

♪ [jazzy music] ♪

[lighter ignites]

[Jimmy narrating] Wait a
minute. Wait a second.
This is it. I got it.

[blows repeatedly]

[repeated flapping]

-[blows repeatedly]
-♪ [music swelling] ♪

-[Jimmy narrating] Exclusive.
-♪ [jazzy music] ♪

Real life crime. Maybe
my agent was right.

I mean this is what they wanted.
Maybe I can give it to them.

Real life crime.

Not as told to, but
as lived, by me.

Even Lori had a point. Writing
isn't about writing, its about
living.

Yeah Hemingway had his Africa
and I had my Mulberry Street.

[cab car screeches]

Now you tell me which
is more dangerous.

[Jimmy narrating] It would take
balls as big as church bells
and a little bit of luck,

but I'd been ready to cook
myself just hours before
so I figured,

I didn't have
much to lose.

[chatter]

[Jimmy] Hey fuck face.

Oh look what the cat dragged in,
relax Birdman before your
piles flare up.

This is my nephew
Jimmy Corona.

C'mon kid have a seat. Heh.

[Jimmy narrating] So
far so good.

What'll you have kid a little
espresso? Sure you will.

Hey Tina, bring over some
espresso and throw some
pastries on a plate.

[Jimmy narrating] Tony
introduced me around.

-First it was Aldo
"Birdman" Bodamo.
-♪ [dramatic music] ♪

Birdman was big in
the poultry bracket.

And he was the only
member of the crew

that could cross Canal
Street and be welcomed
with opened arms.

-Then there was Marty
"No Neck" Scalia.
-♪ [mafia music] ♪

One Christmas some anonymous
wisenheimer sent him a turtle
neck sweater as a gag.

It wasn't so funny when
No Neck found out who
the wisenheimer was.

I've always ward that clothes
made the man. In his case,
they made him dead.

-Joey. Joey "Clams" Tantillo.
-♪ [mafia music playing] ♪

The cops called him clams
because he was tougher to
crack open

than an ice
cold cherry stone.

[Cop] C'mon Joey. Everybody
knows you were in on the
Fonzy Faro hit.

Hey he died in a
kitchen accident.

[Cop] You expect me to
believe he slipped and
fell on that knife.

-Yeah.
-[Cop] Thirty six times?

[Jimmy narrating] Yeah
Joey was as slippery
as uncooked squid.

But the calamari had the edge
in the looks department.

What brings you down to my neck
of the woods? I thought you
were strictly uptown.

[Jimmy] Happen to be
in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd pay my Uncle
Tony a social visit.

Hey don't bullshit me. I wrote
the book. C'mon. What's up?

Uncle Tony. I thinking
about what you told me
the other night.

Bout coming to
work for you.

Just wondering if
you were serious?

Meh. And what about
the writing bullshit?

Aye, that's a suckers game.
I'm tired of being a shnook.

And what do you think this
is? Like doing down to
work at post office?

Hey take me or not. I'm
through with writing.

The only writing I want to do
from now on is at the bottom
of a bank deposit.

Well you just can't walk in over
here you know even thought
you're my nephew.

You got to prove yourself. you
gotta make your bones here.

Who I gotta kill?

[Birdman] Who you gotta kill?
[laughs]

Who's he gotta kill?

Who you gotta kill?

Who you gotta kill? Bing.
[laughter]

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

[Frankie] Oh shut up
all of you.

[sigh] Oh...

[Frankie] Hey Tony.

[Jimmy narrating] There he was.
The man. Frankie the Fixer.

On the street they say you
can chill Chianti next to
his heart.

He was the capo de tutti capi
of the Bagatelli family. And
Tony was his right hand man.

[chatter in Italian]

Hey Marty. You hear
about Louie Numbnuts?

[Marty] What about
Louie Numbnuts?

They found his body in a trunk
of a car over um bay.

-[Marty] Oh yeah?
-Oh yeah.

They stuck him 27 times
all in the face.

Think you could fix that.
Look like a dart board in
a Barneys store.

Bing.
[laughter]

That's great. Dart board in a
Barneys store. That's terrific.

[Jimmy narrating] Jesus this was
great dialogue. If I just get to
the men's room to write it down.

Hey Frankie. Do me a favor. I
want you to meet my nephew,
Jimmy Corona.

Nice to meet you sir.

Hey you know this kid
used to be a writer.

What do you say we call him
Jimmy Keys. what do you think?

Jimmy Keys.

[Frankie] Jimmy Keys. You eat
cheese Jimmy keys?

-I stay away from dairy.
-[Tony] Oh c'mon Frank. That's
my nephew, that's my blood.

Just take care of those things
we discussed. Capeesh?

Io capito.

Don't I always do
the right thing?

Uh, marone a mi. Alright
listen kid. Here's what
we are gonna do.

I'm gonna send you out with one
of my younger guys. You're
gonna go on a few scores.

And then we'll see what
we gotta see. Huh.

It's great to be aboard.

♪ [jazzy music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] The next day I
hooked up with a soldier from
Tony's crew named Billy Borelle.

Bink Bink for short. Since we're
close in age, Tony thought we'd
have a lot in common.

He had a smile like a shark. And
a little less compassion.

[car screeches and glass breaks]

-[slap]
-I didn't know it at the time
but Billy was a feared button

man who liked to toy
with his victims

the way a cat
does a mouse.

They called him the Yazi killer
because he made his hits
roll for their lives.

-[dice scrambling]
-The dice were loaded to
come out in a straight

just so Billy
could see the look on the
pigeons face when he thought

Bink Bink was gonna
let him walk.

[gun blast]
♪ [jazzy music] ♪

When he wasn't enforcing
early retirement for
the elderly or

more stupid members of the
organization, Billy was a thief.

He recently gotten some info
about a collector

who kept a shit load of gold and
silver coins stashed in a safe
in his apartment.

Billy glued the locks so
he had time to beat it
down the fire escape

if the collector
came home early.

Want to take a
crack at it Jimmy?

Okay.

You ever do one
of these before?

You've one one, you've done
em all, right? [laughter]

Go to it pal.

[alarm sounds off]

Shhh, shhhh.

[Jimmy narrating] Billy was a
tad upset to say the least

but all things considered
remarkably understanding

He calmly explained that
what I done was wrong

and suggested in a subtly
persuasive matter that I should
do better our next time out.

[Jimmy narrating]
Relieved and grateful I
told him I certainly try.

♪ [mob jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] Like all crime
families, the Bagetelle's did a
lot of money lending.

Mostly to construction companies
and restaurant owners.

You didn't have to fill out any
forms, but God forbid you
missed a payment.

♪ [mob jazz music] ♪

Listen up you so called fucking
repair man because I'm only
going to say this once.

Now you borrowed some
money, am I right?

You know hat you owe and you
know who you owe.

Unless you want to see me
come back here, I suggest
you pay up, understand?

Don't make me come back here.
Or they're gonna be yanking
this thing out of your ass.

[Jimmy narrating] The guy paid
up the next day without Billy
ever laying a hand on him.

[Jimmy narrating] The next
job involved some joker at
a big Brooklyn carwash

who was behind
on his payments.

[Billy] Alright Jimmy.

Clifton is a very important part
of what we do. So you gotta
learn how to do it right.

-[Jimmy] Alright
-[Billy] Once you do it, it
could be a lot of fun you know.

I mean, uh, it doesn't matter
what you look like or even
how tough you are.

It's who you represent
that counts.

Now remember, we
represent the Bagatelli
family. That's what they fear.

Most of the time that's
all it takes, capeesh.

-[Jimmy] Yeah, yeah.
-Alright. Go in there
and show em who's boss.

I'm gonna pull the car
through and meet you
on the other end.

[Jimmy] Okay.

Bill, thanks.

[Billy] Don't take any shit.

[Jimmy narrating] Billy
sent me in alone to
deal with the guy.

Break my collecting cherry so to
speak. And after seeing how easy
it had been for Billy,

I figured I had it knocked.
Like he said.

When I walk in there I was
a representative of the
Bagatelli family.

And no one would dare
lay a finger on me.

How you doing jackass? Listen
you owe some friends of mine
some money.

Now I suggest you come up
with a little cabbage

or I'm gonna cut your belly
and show you the black
stuff inside.

Now you got that jerk.

[sound of carwash]

[Jimmy narrating] I found out
later that the guy that I was
supposed to collect from

I would of apologized but by
the time I realized my
mistake he was busy

pounding my kidney into
submission which made
speech difficult.

Tony you know me, I respect
family, I respect you're family.

But you can't keep sending
me out with this banana.

I mean look at him, he's a total
fuck up form the word go. He's
gonna get me killed.

Wait a second. Look Uncle Tony
This is getting blown way out
of proportion.

How was I supposed to
know the guy was from
the water department.

He looked like a big-wig.
It's just a minor
misunderstanding.

[chuckles] Minor
misunderstanding.

I had to call a cop for Christ
sakes. I mean what if something
like that gets around.

Jimmy, Jimmy, what am I
gonna do with you?

Are you sure you ain't
adopted and your mother
never told me?

-Tony, I'm telling you
the guy is hopeless.
-[Tony laughs]

He ain't hopeless. You know
what this is like?

When I was teaching my
kid Vito how to swim,

I just kept throwing him in the
deep water till he learned.

Everything is going
to be alright. Listen to me.

[Jimmy narrating] At first I
was relieved that Tony was
sticking with me.

But then I remembered my cousin
Vito had developed a phobia
about water

-and hadn't taken a
bath in 13 years.
-[sound effect of water bubbles]

[car screeches up]
[radio playing]

[door closes]
[engine stops]

-[door closes]
-I thought we were supposed to
collect from somebody tonight.

Yeah that's right.

This is George's Place.

Yeah this is George's
Place so what.

Uncle Tony hangs out
here all the time.

Aye. Tony hangs out a lot of
places. Business is business.
Your owe money you gotta pay.

Now I'm warning you Jimmy.
Don't fuck this up on me.

Tony Bando's nephew or not I'll
have you sealed up in a oil drum
and thrown in the East River.

-Quit hogging the doorway.
-[sound of hitting]

I'm a cripple.
What's wrong with you.

-[Cripple] Wacko.
-[Jimmy] I'm sorry.

♪ [rock music
playing in bar] ♪

[undistinguished chatter]

[George] Hey. I told you
not to come back here
you dead beat.

I got something to say to
him. And you get out of
here you fucking pig.

Hey told you to get out of
here, you bum, you fucking
bum, that's you.

-Who you calling a bum?
-You, I call you a fucking
bum. I spit on you.

-[spits]
-Greek bastard!

-You Greek bastard!
-[glass breaking]

C'mon bigshot. Huh? Why don't
you thrown me in the gutter
now. You slob.

Im with the
Bagatelli's now.

And you owe them money.

And by this time next
Friday you will not
owe them money.

Do we understand
each other?

-Ya.
-Nay?

Yes.

For Christ sakes, break down
and buy an air freshener in
here huh.

The place stinks.

[sniffs air]
[door opens and closes]

♪ [music playing] ♪

How was that Bink Bink?
Was I to rough?

I never realized you're
such a hot head.

I'm gonna meet a broad on the
east side. Maybe she got a
friend for you. You wanna come?

Nah. You go ahead. I'll stick
around here for some of that
Greek bastards liquor.

Alright kid. I'll
catch ya tomorrow.

Oh, you did good Jimmy Keys.

♪ [bar music] ♪

[smacking] The hell you
think you doin?

What you think I'm doing, I'm
giving someone a beatin
that's what I'm doing.

Where'd my buddy go? Where'd he
go home to his wife and kids.

You know something. You're
making a total ass out of
yourself. Do you know this?

We were havin drinks because we
were worried about you. What the
hell has gotten into you?

What's gotten into, what gotten
into you? Besides Kevin
Friedland's tongue.

-Fuck you.
-Fuck you!

No, fuck you.

Besides it's not any of your
business anymore is it.

What are you bothering
me for then? Can't you
see I'm busy.

I got your goodbye note,
very cute. Okay, it's
over. Goodbye.

-Fine!
-Beautiful.

Wonderful.

Why don't you
have a drink.

Got any money.

Thank you.

♪ [seductive jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] Well Jimmy.
Time to make your bones.

I'm Jimmy. What's your name.

-Angie.
-[Jimmy] Well Angie, you got
the face of an angel.

And the rest of me?

[Jimmy] That's another story.

How come I've never seen you
in here before?

Well I try to avoid
the criminal element.

[Jimmy] Why? You
afraid of them?

No. [laughing] Thing is I have
a weakness for them.

Listen Dick I suggest you take a
little walk before I grind this
glass into your ugly face.

I think you better go.

So where were we?

I was just about to ask you
if you like it doggy-style.

♪ [seductive jazz music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] Boy when
she said doggy-style she
really meant it.

Speak!

-Oh baby. You look
real sexy tonight.
-No, speak!

-Huh?
-Speak!

-Woah.
-Speak!

-Woof.
-Louder!

-Woof.
-Speak!

[Jimmy narrating] We made
love like a couple of
labradors in heat.

But later when she pulled out
the house breaking wee-wee
pads, I drew the line.

[dogs barking]

[Jimmy narrating] The next
night Frankie sent us out
on a job.

but I was sure it was
important because Tony came
along to run the show himself.

[Tony] Look at this cock sucker
would you believe it he's
eating and drinking

like there ain't no
fucking tomorrow.

Hey let's face it Tony. As far
as he's concerned there ain't
no tomorrow.

You gotta have some kind of
death wish fucking around
with the Fixers daughter.

Angie ain't out only but a month
and she's already causing
trouble for us.

Loony bin. What the Fixer's
daughter was in a nut house?

Hey you'd be a fucking nut
job too if you lived with
that maniac.

What do you
think it's easy?

C'mon lets get ready.

Put these on, huh. Here.

This one's yours.

Hey forget about it. Nancy
Reagan. I'm ain't a
fucking woman.

It's just a fucking mask
you idiot, just put it on.

[Tony] You ain't got George
Washington, you got Barbara
Bush, I'm George Washington.

You got George Washington?
You always get to be the
President Tony.

That's because I'm the boss
you stupid cock sucker.

[Billy] Oh for Christ sake,
who you got Jimmy?

-I think it's Alfred Hitchcock.
-[Billy] Go switch
with the Birdman.

Fuck no man. I'm ain't going
to be Hitchcock. That psycho
gives me the fucking creeps.

[Tony] Oh what am I running a
fucking broadway show here?

Just put that mask on huh.

Go ahead, you fucking around
now, we lost him, now
where'd he go?

[Birdman] I don't know.

[Tony] There he is over there.
Hit the gas.

♪ [chase jazz music] ♪

[car screeches]

Get in the fucking car.
[mumbling]

Get outta here.

[Jimmy narrating] We took the
poor son of a bitch to an old
warehouse near the river.

And I only had slightly less
crap in my pants than he did.

Please. I do not understand. I
ain't a wise guy.

You're a fucking wise guy
alright, you don't
understand, huh.

-[smack]
-[whimpering]

[Tony] Where have you been
sticking your prick lately
lover boy?

Ah, now you got nothing
to say huh, so I guess
you do understand.

You can't go around dipping
your wick scum bag

any place you feel like you
understand that don't you?

Don't you know a good Italian
girl when you see one, dumbbell?

You gotta be a sick man
fucking around with the
Fixer's daughter.

I did not know. I swear to
God I did not know.

[Tony] Well what can I tell ya
pal. It's like what they say
in the traffic courts,

ignorance of the law, ain't no
fucking excuse cous'.
[chuckles]

Please don't kill me.
Please don't shoot me.

Me. I ain't
gonna shoot you.

[whimpers]

-Nah, my nephew Jimmy is
gonna shoot you. Hold.
-♪ [dramatic music] ♪

C'mon Jimmy get over here.
It's time to make your
fucking bones.

It's time to become one of us.
Make me proud of you.

[whimpers]
Please. Please.

C'mon what's the hold up.
What are you waiting for
a blind fold.

Put the gun to his head and blow
his fucking brains out so we can
go eat I'm starving.

Oh big easy belly. The Fixer
don't want him done in the head.

Through the fucking heart
you gonna do it.

-[Tony] Through the
fucking heart.
-[Birdman] Do it.

Do it goddam it.

Jimmy I was just starting to
like you. Now don't piss me off.

I knew I should of brought my
dice. I'll shoot him myself
you fucking pansy.

Take it easy Billy. Jimmy's my
fucking blood he's gotta do it
and he's gonna do it.

Tony what the fuck you
pointing a gun at my head for.

Can't you see the punk ain't
got the stomach for it?

[Billy] Let me clip the guy
so we can get out of here.

-[Tony] He's got the stomach.
He's gonna do it.
-[Billy] No he don't.

[Tony] Do it now goddam it.

-The fuck you
waiting for. Do it!
-♪ [dramatic music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] Some
people think they're in
control of their lives.

Like Columbus. He thought he was
heading for China, until he ran
smack into the New World.

Look, what I mean is, without
knowing it, I've been drifting
towards this moment all my life.

♪ [dramatic music swells] ♪

[heavy breath]
Please. Please. Please.

[crying]

[cat meows]
[gun shots]

[cat meows]

It's a fucking cat. Those slugs
cost a buck a piece.

Atta boy Jimmy Keys. I'm proud
of you. You're one of us you
son of a gun.

Uh, Uncle Tony...

The fuck you talking bout. Can't
you see he's as dead as a
doorknob. Look at him.

[Jimmy] Didn't go off. My gun
must of jammed.

Holy shit. His heart
must of fucking went.

A heart attack.
That's bullshit.

It ain't bullshit. You three
get back to the joint.

I'll take care of the
fucking stiff. Go ahead, get
out of here.

C'mon follow me killer.

Hey Tony.

What about the cat?

Who gives a fuck
about the cat.

I do.

[boat horns]

there was some disagreement on
whether I should receive
credit for the hit.

I don't care what you say, he
never shot the guy.

So what. He scared him to death
what's the difference.

A heart attack shouldn't count.
It ain't right.

Oh so you want Jimmy to take
the rap just because this
guy had a bum ticker.

-Yeah well look--
-He was gonna wack him, that's
why the stickler went.

What goes on in a man's chest,
is his own business.

Hey I had enough of your
fucking bullshit, the
two of you.

The fixer wanted him dead
and he's dead. Case closed.

[Frankie] Hey Tony. You take
care of the thing we discussed.

[Tony] Yeah Frankie its all
done. My nephew Jimmy took
care of it.

I think he
likes you kid.

[Jimmy narrating] Frankie the
Fixer likes me. Great.

Another Christmas gift.
I'd have to buy.

Maybe Hallmark makes special
cards for mobsters and
psychopaths.

Oh. I was so busy
being a wise guy

I totally forgotten reason I got
involved in all this shit
in the first place.

The pen. Not the gun.

A man was dead now.
And worst of all,

I was one step
closer to becoming
a made man. Christ.

-What else could go wrong?
-[car screeches]

♪ [dramatic musics] ♪

Piece of shit.

[indistinguishable shouting]

Get in here.

Take off.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪
[car screeches]

[Jimmy narrating] I figured
I'd been nabbed by soldiers
from another family.

Looking to send a message
to the Bagatellis.

At first I entertained the hopes
of a ransom demand or maybe an
exchange of prisoners.

Then I saw they were headed for
the meat packing district.

Now, I knew I was gonna
be tomorrow's sausage.

♪ [dramatic mob music] ♪

[door closes]

[doors close]

[elevator rising]

[chair thrown on ground]

Look fellas., all I ask is that
your leave something for my
mother to bury okay.

Shut up or I give you
another fat lip.

You don't talk unless we tell
you to talk you understand?

[Cop 1] Your name is James
Corona. Also known as
Jimmy Keys.

You're 30 years old

and you're a soldier in
the Bagatelli family.

You guys are cops. Cops.

[sigh] You're not
gonna kill me.

Just shut the fuck up and answer
the question. You Jimmy Corona?

Yeah, I'm Jimmy Corona. But
I'm no soldier. I'm a writer.

-[Cop 1] Is this not Anthony
Bando? Also known as Tony
Dead Presidents.

Yeah.

And is that or that not
you, he has his arm around?

Yeah that's me. He's my uncle.
What are you guys feds?

[Cop 1] And this. Is this not
William Borelle. Also known
as Billy Bink Bink.

[Jimmy] Yeah.

Is that you standing in front
of this doorway with him?

Yeah that's me.
Look, what is this?

And believe me your life won't
be worth dog shit unless you
cooperate with us.

Fellas. I already told you. You
got it all wrong. I'm a writer.
I'm researching a book.

-[Cop 2] Really?
-[Cop 1] Researching your book?

Yeah I'm no wise guy.

What about Rico Petrocelli?

He played ball for
the Red Socks.

Not that Rico Petrocelli.

This Rico Petrocelli.

[Cop 2] That's right Jimmy. We
know about the Petrocelli hit.

He died of a heart attack. Is it
my fault the guys valves are
clogged with cannoli?

What do you think
you're funny huh?
You keep it up punk

and you're gonna end up in
the laundry room at sink
sink so fast

it's gonna make
your head spin.

Yeah and those big
black boys doing life

are gonna love a
little white pierce
of chicken like you.

[Cop 3 chuckles]

Look, what do
you guys want?

We want Frankie the Fixer.
And we want you to set him
up for us.

[Jimmy] I can't. I
can't get Frankie the
Fixer that's suicide.

And you better get yourself an
industrial size tube of KY

you'll be needing
it in the joint. [laughs]

-[Cop 1 makes chicken noises]
-[everyone laughs]

It was either wear the wire or
end up a common law's wife of
a horny convict.

-[tape ripping off chest]
-Ow! You're ripping my hair out.

Relax will you.

What do you think Harry. Goddamn
equipment is stone aged, even
the tape sucks.

How the fuck does the brass
expect us to run a $5
investigation

-on 5 cent worth of shit.
-[throws glasses on desk]

Chief says budget crunch. We're
gonna have to make due with
what we got.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hold still.

Look, how does this
thing work, huh?

It works great. AM frequency
transmits to a nearby unit.

Alright, button-up.

[Jimmy narrating] Well, what
can I say?

Things have sort of gone
farther and weirder than
I ever had expected.

I had strangely
ambivalent feelings.

Tony, Billy and the others were
the only one's who'd have ever
taken me in.

Accepted me. Made me
one of their own.

Now I was set to betray them
to save my own ass. Literally.

[Joey] He started crying like
a baby. When I smacked him, I
almost killed him.

-[Birdman] hmm
-[Joey] Remember?

That was the funniest thing
I've ever seen the way that
guy turned,

what a dog he turned out
to be. It's unbelievable.

See you later, we'll buy
a better one next time.

[undistinguished chatter]

[loud coughing]

-So, where's Frankie?
-He's out back with
his fruitcake daughter.

Woah, take it easy genius what
you want to wind up in a car
crusher. What's wrong with you?

[Billy] What's the big
secret Tony, everyone
knows she's a wacko.

to implicate Frankie more
directly in an actual
criminal act.

But I had to be subtle.

[chatter]

what Federal crimes have Frankie
the Fixer committed? I mean that
you have direct knowledge of.

[chuckles, laughing]

[Tony] What a fucking sense of
humor this kids got.

[laughing]

[Tony slaps Jimmy's back]
[Jimmy's wire picks
up a radio station out loud]

[radio] goes back to pass,
swings it out to Schmitt,

Schmitt at the 20, the 15,
the 10, the 5, he scores!

[radio goes bad]
[Jimmy hard coughing]

What was the score?

-[Jimmy] I think it was
fourteen, nothing, Dallas.
-[radio reception clears up]

[radio] Dear sweet Jesus.
Deliver us from the many
foul minions of the

[hard coughing]
[radio reception goes bad]

[radio] were found in a trunk of
a black Lincoln Continental.
Executed mob style. Two bullets.

[Jimmy hacking, coughing]
[radio reception goes bad]

-Coffee must of went
down the wrong pipe.
-[radio noises]

You fuck. You're going
down the wrong pipe.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪
[dishes crashing]

[Billy] Come here. I don't
believe it. The son of a
bitch is wired.

[Tony] What! You fucking
Judas. I'll kill ya. You
fuck. I'll kill ya.

[Frankie] Knock it
off. Knock it off.

I said knock it off. What's
going on over here?

[Birdman] This little
cock sucker is wired.

I'll stuff that piece of junk
down your fucking throat.

-You wear a wire in my
place? In my place?!
-[Jimmy] Ouch.

[Frankie] We took you in. We
made you what you are. And
this is what you do to us?

[Jimmy narrating] I figured
it was safe to assume that
things couldn't get worse.

[Jimmy narrating] Until I heard
the voice of doom.

-Right now!
-Daddy, no I love him.

-You what?
-I love him.

[Angie] I knew it the first
night we slept together.

-Slept? Together?
-Yes, daddy, love.

-[Angie] Please can
I keep him, please.
-What am I Lassie?

-I want him dead.
-But couldn't you just hit him
with a newspaper or something?

I want him dead. I want
his head on a stick.

I want him chopped up with
an axe and fed to a pack
of dobermans.

[Tony] No Frankie. Let me
do it. I brought him in.
It's my responsibility.

I gotta show my loyalty to you
and the family.

I don't give a rats ass who
does it. I want it done.

I want Jimmy Corona dead before
I sit down to dinner.

And get him the fuck out of
here. Get him out of here!

Bye Jimmy. I
really did care.

And you, you little
butanna, you go right
back to the convent.

-[sighs]
-Hey Clams.
Take her home.

Tell my wife to lock her up
until I get there.

[Angie] Take it easy Clams
before I smack you on the nose.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] I didn't
fight. I didn't kick.

I just thought about
everything I'd done. And
all the people I'd hurt.

It all added up
to one thing.

Whatever Tony and
Billy had planned for me

I had it coming.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

[doors close]

[door closes]

[Tony] Put him in
the fuckin' chair.

Don't make this tough on me you
little parakeet. You don't want
me to tie up now, do ya.

[Billy] You know, I'm not happy
about this. Not happy at all.

I thought me and you were
gonna be buddy pals.

Go to ball games together.
Travel a bit, you know.

Hey, let's get on with this
fucking bullshit huh.

Oh, c'mon Tony. I know the son
of a bitch is a rat and all, but
after all he is your blood.

The only fucking thing I'm
going to cut is his throat,
that's what I'm going to cut.

-[Billy] C'mon. Give him
one chance. What do you say?
-[dice rattle]

Alright kid. Your odds are slim,
but what the fuck.

There are five dice in this cup.
You get one roll. You roll a
straight, we let you walk.

[dice rattle]

[Jimmy] Fuck you Bink Bink.
There ain't no way I'm walking
out of here and you know that.

So why don't you just, do
what you gotta do, huh.

You know Jimmy, if you didn't
want to play you didn't have
to spoil it for everyone.

[zipper]

-Snake eyes.
-[gun hits head]

[Tony] I always hated this
Yatzee bullshit.

You gonna clip a guy, you just
clip him. It's unprofessional.

What the hell
is going on?

If things were as they seem I
should've clipped you too, but
things ain't as they seem.

Gimme a hand
with this guy.

[Tony] Ma, mamma. What the
fuck was he eating?

[coughs]

Hey sonny. I've got a big
surprise for ya. Take a
look at this.

[Tony chuckles]

See you ain't the only
rat around here.

Holy mackerel. Uncle Tony.
You're not a squealer.

Tie him up, I'll
tell ya bout it.

See I got this strange quirk.
I like to flee.

And I got the feeling the
Fixer was gonna cut off
my fucking air supply.

Why? I thought you two were
like pals. You know, you're
his right hand guy.

You don't understand the Fixer.
The closer you get to him, the
more threatened he feels.

Anyway, I got nailed on an
old score by the cops.
They had me cold.

So I figured I started
wearing the wire.

But I knew it wasn't
gonna be enough.

Oh yeah? Why wasn't
wearing a wire enough?

I'll tape his mouth.

Because Frankie is a
cagey cock sucker.

Never says anything
straight out.

-He always dances around it.
-[tape ripping]

So I had to get him
pissed off. I mean
really pissed off.

So you used me. You son of
a bitch. You used me.

[Tony] Hey. Who used who?

You were the one
writing the book.

And don't try and deny it
because the badges told me.

That's not the same thing.
I could of gotten my head
chopped off.

And what the fuck do you think
was gonna happen to me when
your book hit the stands?

What you think they was gonna
make me police commissioner?

So, don't point no fingers.

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

Who gives a fuck about Bink
Bink. By the time they find
him, we'll be in Pittsburg.

C'mon lets get the
hell out of here.

[Jimmy] No.

Leave it on for him.

[Tony] You always got something
to say, huh big mouth.

[Jimmy] I don't know. I still
don't understand what the
hell is going on here.

You were gonna let
me kill Rico?

C'mon the guy was an
undercover cop. He was
wired with a blood bag.

How the fuck was I
supposed to know his
pump was gonna explode?

What is that supposed to make
me feel better or something.

Hey, this all happened
after I brought you in.

I had to figure a way to get
the fixer and get you out.

Was kinda sticky, but
I had no choice.

Did you get Frankie?

Did I get Frankie? Listen
to this nephew. [laughs]

[Frankie on recorder] I don't
give a rats ass who does it.
I want it done.

-I want Jimmy Corona dead
before I sit down at dinner.
-[recorder clicks off]

Conspiracy to commit murder.
This prick will be making
license plates in no time.

Oh, that's great for him.
What about us, huh? What
happens to us?

The case goes federal. We go on
the Witness Protection Program.

New names, new
identity, the works.

Don't worry bout nothing kid,
I got everything covered.
C'mon get in the car.

[dogs barking]

[door opens]

Yo Belch, I got a
present for you pal.

Oh hi Tony. Wassup?

That's what I want to ask
you. What the fuck is
going on here?

The investigation
has been cancelled.

Cancelled. The investigation has
been cancelled. [laughs]

[Belcher] There's no more
money to keep it going.

You know I got to say I feel
slightly embarrassed about it.

What are you talking about?
I got the Fixer for ya.

I've got him cold. I've got all
the evidence right here.

[Belcher] There's nothing I can
do. I don't have the resources
to follow up on. I'm sorry.

You're sorry. Me and my fucking
nephew are gonna wind up on meat
hooks and you're sorry.

Hey Tony. Look, let's call a
spade a spade here. I'm a
cop and you're a criminal.

Personally as far as I'm
concerned I don't give a
fuck what happens to you.

You got it? You
got it smart face?

-Thanks. You're
stoolies. All of ya.
-♪ [sad piano music] ♪

[chuckles]

Oh wait, Belcher, wait a
minute I want to testify.

Come here let
him go huh?

Can't you see he was born a
fucking rat that's why he
became a cop you imbecile?

He's the only one
that can help us.

Don't worry bout it.
I'll take care of it.

-We're dead Uncle Tony.
-We ain't dead.

[Jimmy mockingly] "Yeah I got
everything under control. I
got everything covered."

The only thing that's
gonna be covered is
me in a body bag.

[Tony] The hell are you worried
bout. I told you we got the
tape didn't I?

The cops don't even want it. So
what's our next move genius?

[Tony] Binky. We better
get back to the warehouse
quick and where Bink Bink

before he exposes his
guts to the Fixer.

[Jimmy] Hey Uncle Tony, do us
all a favor huh, and leave the
thinking to me from now on.

♪ [piano and mob
music playing] ♪

[Jimmy] There he is!
He''s out of the chair.

[Tony] Look at him huh. Take it
easy Uncle Tony. Let me handle
this. Give me, give me a heater.

Give me, toss
me a rod.

[Jimmy] Hey! Where the hell do
you think you're going, huh?

Oh I thought you and me were
gonna be buddy pals, huh,
you son of a bitch.

What do you mean Jimmy, we are
buddy pals you don't think I was
really gonna shoot ya do ya?

[Billy] Hey that's just my way
of letting in a little ray of
hope in guy's lives.

It's just what I do,
it's my trademark.

Woah, woah wait a minute.
What did you just say?

-[Billy] It's my trademark.
-No. What else?

[Billy] It's what I do.

-[angelic awes]
-[Jimmy narrating] It's just
what I do. What I do.

And I suddenly realized how
we can buy ourselves out of
this mess.

-[car honks]
-[Tony] Hey genius.
Get in the car.

You tell him how much you
love him later, huh. C'mon.

♪ [acapella jazz quartet] ♪

[Billy] Hey Tony what about the
rope, man, my wrists are
starting to hurt.

You've been acting kinda weird
ever since I whacked you on
your head.

The same one that saw you
putting on lipstick the
other day.

[Tony] And you, Truman
Capote How come you
ain't writing?

Got a problem.

[Tony] Ya, well what is it?

I got writer's
block Uncle Tony.

[Tony] The fuck is writer's
block? Could you tell me?

It's like...

you ever been with a woman and
you couldn't get it up?

[Tony] No. Eh, maybe
once or twice.

And what did you
do about it?

-[Tony] I got it up.
-Well, it's not so easy for me.

Well I'll make it easy. How's
this for some inspiration.

-[gun goes off]
-[Billy] Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

-[Tony laughs]
-[Billy] Let it pass.
Let it pass.

Why are you
pressuring him?

Shut up. Now see if you can
get it up. Here we go.

[fingers typing]

-I got it now. I got it.
-[Tony] Good boy.

I got it. I got it.
Thank you.

Thank you.

This is good. This is gonna
be a good one.

[Jimmy narrating] It was
a couple of days before
I could write

without Tony pointing
that gun at me.

Kinda kinky I guess.

But i knew everything
was gonna be okay.

Life soon took on a nice
rhythm of work and play.

Tony climbed aboard my book
project as a technical advisor.

He proposed a 50/50
split of the profit to
which I quickly agreed.

Besides, I had no choice.

Tony made some helpful
editorial suggestions.

One being to eliminate
any reference to his
bed wetting years

when he was known
as Tony Sheets.

I thought it was important
character information but
Tony convinced me otherwise.

We had a few domestic
disputes like any household

but I was pretty much oblivious
to anything except to work.

I was a writer again.

All work and no plays makes Jack
a dull boy. Bink Bink agreed.

He taught us how to relax by
playing his little dice game.

Due to the loss of blood from
his head wound, it was the only
activity he could endure.

It brought back some fond
memories for the little guy.

But Tony quickly directed
him back to reality.

♪ [acapella jazz continues] ♪

[Jimmy narrating] I really
enjoyed those get togethers.

It helped alleviate some of
the tension. I was exhausted.

But Tony was always there for
inspiration. We were headed
for the home stretch,

and I couldn't wait to get
our of these pajamas.

ready to take our masterpiece
the next day to the publisher
we had contacted.

For the first time in
years, everything was
going according to plan.

♪ [acapella jazz continues] ♪

For the first time in
years, I felt nothing
could stop me.

It's Bink Bink. Yeah that's
right, Bink Bink.

At the publisher's office
tomorrow. Three o'clock.
Both of them.

Yeah, yeah I'll take
care of it.

♪ [All singing in car]
Sixty-eight bottles of
beer on the wall, ♪

♪ sixty-eight
bottles of beer. ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall, ♪

♪ oh sixty-seven bottles
of beer on the wall. ♪

♪ Sixty-seven bottles of beer on
the wall, sixty-seven bottles of
beer. If one of-- ♪

-[Tony] I don't know what
the hell is going on.
-[Jimmy] Uncle Tony.

[Tony] It was jumping
up and down.

[Jimmy] Pull over
onto the shoulder.

[Tony] Jesus christ.
We're not gonna make it.

[Tony] Well, we better start
walking or we won't make it man.

[Jimmy] Nobody wants to listen
to me. I said take the train.

[Tony] It's gotta be the
alternator or something. I don't
know what the hell is going on.

[Jimmy] What is it an
89, is it an 89?

[Tony] What the hell do I know
know what it is? What am I a
Caddi salesman in here.

Hey Bink, you know
anything about engines?

You gotta have an act for
that kind of thing Jimmy.

-♪ [dramatic music] ♪
-[Jimmy] Maybe you should
check this dipstick.

[Tony] Hey I ain't touching
nothing until the goddam
engine cools off. Capeesh.

There's no motors.

Hey what's the matter?

Listen guys, I'm useless with
engines anyway. I'm going to
go lay down inside alright.

What's he talking bout the tire,
it's the engine.

I thought he knew. I thought he
looked like he might know.

[Tony] The cars busted and
he's laying down.

[city noise]

Woah, woah, wait a second, wait
a second. Uncle Tony, should we
tell him before we go up?

Yeah, go ahead.

Listen, Bink, just wanna let you
know that we really appreciate,

you know everything, you've done
for us. We know we've been rough
on ya the last couple of weeks.

But just everything you did made
it very easy for us you know
the, the cooking,

and teaching us how to play
Yatzee and everything. It
just gave us the,

the strength that we needed and
to show our appreciation,

we're dedicating
the book to you.

-How's that?
-All is forgiven pal.

Wait a minute. You're
dedicating the book to me?

That's right.

I don't know what to say.
I'm a little overwhelmed,
quite frankly.

-Billy, it's not that
big of a deal.
-That's right.

I don't know how to tell you
this but uh I'm afraid I got
some bad news for you.

-Well, uh, spit it out.
-[car screeches]

♪ [dramatic music] ♪
-Hit the deck.

[multiple gun shots]

[glass shatters]

Hold the elevator.

[elevator ding]

There's been a shooting.

[secretary] You can't
go in there.

[Billy] Alert the media.

[woman] Oh God.

[Billy] Ugh.

[man] My God, what's
going on here?

[police sirens]

♪ [news story music] ♪

[reporter] This afternoon, three
members of the Bagatelli crime
family,

Billy Bink Bink Borelli, Tony
Dead Presidents Bando, and
Jimmy Keys Corona

were shot outside a lower
Manhattan office building.

The lone gunman was said to
have fled the scene of the
crime via a late model,

Lincoln Continental, and
has yet to be arrested.

The only clue's left behind
were several dead pigeons.

Details of the shooting
are sketchy right now.

We hope to have more on this
late breaking story, tonight
at eleven.

[Tony] Hey kid, how are
you feeling over there?

[Jimmy] I don't know Uncle Tony.
My ass feels like it's on fire.

-Yeah I know you should see
mine. You could fry bacon on it.
-Oh, Jesus.

Why don't you two just settle
down. You're acting like a
couple of infants.

Hey you, why don't you just shut
up and do your job, huh?

Okay, no problem.

[Tony mockingly] "Okay, no
problem." Ow! Jesus Christ!

Nurse. Do you think I could
get some ointment here?

I'm sorry, but you'll have to
wait. I've got my hands full
with this idiot.

Idiot? How bout if I take that
bottle and shove it up-- Ahh!
Jesus Christ get out of here.

-Well, it's been a real pleasure
fellas but I've gotta go.
-Oooh.

Oh you'll get yours. The head
nurse will be in shortly. So
long, kids.

Eh let her go. She's got a touch
like a lumberjack anyway. That's
why I hate hospitals.

Least we're not in the morgue.
Just where Bink Bink might be.

Ha. I'm just thinking about
that. Remember that joint
was all full of blood.

We better get our asses sewn up
and get the hell out of here.

-I'm with you Uncle Tony.
-[Tony] That's right.

[Frankie] Hi fellas.
How you making out?

Fixer.

I came as soon
as I heard.

Hey, hey Frank you don't
understand. Let me explain
something to you.

They made us do it. Hey
Jimmy, tell him huh.

[Jimmy] He's right. They, they
forced us. How can I make it up
to ya Don Giachetti. Anything.

No, I'm going to make it up to
you. As a matter of fact I
have a present for you.

Birdman.

-Let 'em have it.
-[Tony and Jimmy yelling]

Nobody beats the Fixer when it
comes to a book deal.

Especially with me as
his technical advisor.

Holy shit. Who would
of figured this?

Let's go Birdman.

I want to close the
Harlequin deal before
we go to the theater.

Tony, bon appétit.

[Frankie whistling]

Hey kid. What do
we do now?

-♪ [church music] ♪
-[Priest speaking in Latin]

[Tony] I. Thirty.
[chuckles]

[cage rattling]

O. Sixty-one.

I'm a little nervous
about this Uncle Tony.

Like I already told you the
priest he's in on it with
us. [chuckles]

Hi father. God bless.
[chuckles]

[cage rattles]

[Tony] N. Thirty-eight.

What if something goes wrong?

What the hell is gonna go wrong?
I've been running crooked games
all my life.

Don't you think I could handle
a couple of old hens for
Christ's sake?

[cage rattles]

Why don't you stop
breaking my balls?

Maybe we are blessed.

-B. Twelve.
-[Bingo Winner] Bingo.
I did Bingo. I win.

Bingo my-- hey what the-- hey
card checker, check that card
over there huh.

B9, B5, B12, yes the
lady is a winner.

[cheers and clapping]

Woah, woah. Let me
see that card.

Your glasses must of been fogged
up or something. You got a
number out of place over here.

That's an automatic
disqualification. I
hate to tell you this

but I gotta take
this card back for
evidence. I'm sorry.

-Where the hell do you think,
-Woah!

I don't need no priest to set
her straight you pay up or
you lose your job.

-♪ [comical mob music] ♪
-Aye, aye father.

What's fair is
fair my son.

Hey, hey, your hearts are weak.
Hey. Take it easy. Hey.

[yelling and fighting]

-♪ [playful mob music] ♪
-[Tony] I just got kicked with
an orthopedic shoe.

You rat you. I'm going to
kill you if you move.

No. Hey father. Get hen pin
Mary the hell out of here huh.

[Tony] What are you doing.
Please. It's really tight now.
There's no reason for this.

I'm really restricted.
You're tying it to tight.

[Tony] I mean it.

What are you in the
Navy or something.

-Off the block.
-Out of my way.

-They're cutting me off--
-[yelling]

Jimmy. Ah, ah, Jimmy.

[Tony] Knock it off. Aye get
off of me. Aye get out of
here would ya.

Ladies, ladies. Please
no need to fight-- ow.
Jesus Christ.

Aye get the hell out.

[indistinct chatter]

-You're breaking my neck.
-Yes, You don't
need you're neck.

Listen, I can get you Art
Linkletter's phone number.

How bout Mickey Rourke?

Mickey Rourke? I don't know
him personally, I--

-That's who I want.
-How bout Redford?
[Jimmy] Redford? No.

-[lady] No?
-[Jimmy] He gets
skin treatments anyway.

Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. Jimmy.
Woah. Ahh. Jimmy.

[yelling and fighting]

[Jimmy] I don't know
him personally.

-[lady] Well then how
about Alan King?
-Alan King?

-Yeah.
-I could work on it. I, I got my
cousin works for NBC.

-Yeah, well maybe you can
get him for me. C'mon.
-What are you wearing?

[indistinct chatter]

-He's gonna get us guys.
-It's a lovely scent.

-Let him--
-My hands are blue. Tony.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

I can't believe it. Those
old broads were tougher
than the hell's angels.

They did things to me.

C'mon. Let's just grab a cab
into Brooklyn, huh.

♪ [jazzy mob music] ♪

♪ [angelic choir music] ♪

♪ [acapella jazz quartet] ♪

♪ [acapella jazz quartet] ♪

[evil laughing]

♪ [Multicom Entertainment
Group jingle] ♪