All language subtitles for Going.Dutch.S02E02.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL_track3_[eng]

[instrumental music]

Colonel Quinn, I want to
thank you for allowing me to

use USAG Stroopsdorf

to announce my candidacy
for the Burgermeester.

And you can thank me personally
once you are the Burgermeester.

[indistinct chatter]

Do we know why she wants to
announce her candidacy here?

-It's pretty obvious.
-What?

What? Like, you know, like when
a woman leaves an earring

at a guy's apartment,
this is her version of it.

She needs to prance in here
looking fine

in that pantsuit for me.

What is it with
you and pantsuits?

Come on. They're monochrome,
buttons in all the right places.

They leave nothing
in the imagination.

Although I'm still using
my imagination.

Katja is not here to
flirt with you, all right?

She hasn't even talked
to you in like three months.

Maggie, you don't know women
the way that I know women.

[speaking in Dutch]

-I don't know what she's saying.
-It's just something about

-about boy bands, maybe.
-I don't.

Unbelievable, you guys.
Learn the language.

Okay, she's saying. [inhales]

-I heard, I heard giraffe.
-Oh, really?

You heard? What would
she be talking about?

Jan? Can you translate?

'Cause I don't
wanna miss any compliments?

-[speaking in Dutch]
-[crowd exclaims]

She said that she
discovered that

the colonel's closed the base's
bowling alley...

[speaking in Dutch]

The bowling alley
was the heartbeat

of Stroopsdorf Village,

and she vows to fight
the American oppressors

who introduced
the sport to the villages,

only to rip it away
like heartless savages.

-This is an ambush.
-You know, don't worry about it.

-The people here love the base.
-[speaking in Dutch]

-[all] USA! USA!
-See?

Nah, your goose is cooked,
ja. [chuckles]

She just asked,
"Who do you hate?"

-Everyone hates you.
-[all] USA! USA!

[theme music]

Hey, Katja. [chuckles]

Listen, I know you're mad at me,

and I know why because
you need to hear

a couple of words from me.

I'm so very willing
to take you back.

Okay? So clean slate,
start over.

And can you just get up there
now and call the dogs off?

-All right?
-Hmm.

Your absolute non-apology
is meaningless.

You exploited
our relationship and my trust.

Why would I take you back?

Because women
do it all the time.

-Normally with me. What?
-Oh! Patrick.

I have too much
self-respect to be

in a relationship
with you again.

But this pantsuit.

-Yeah.
-[chuckles]

Yeah. This was for them,
not for you.

-Yeah. Okay, did you see that?
-What?

-Yeah.
-Embarrassing.

She's still so in love with me
it's unbelievable.

Yeah, it's certainly
embarrassing.

And did you catch the pantsuit?
You know what I'm saying now?

I mean, I hate to see 'em go,
but I love to watch 'em leave.

Okay, We've got to
start creating boundaries.

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God, look at this
Katja announcement.

The comments are insane.

Well, people are saying
that the bowling alley

was considered
a sacred third space.

-Yeah.
-I mean, if I'd known that,

I would have closed
it a lot sooner. [chuckles]

And that is why they
call you the "Dwevil."

You know what?
I'm called the devil

in six different languages?.
I'm proud to add a seventh.

Just a suggestion, but
maybe you could consider

focusing on
de-escalating the situation.

Honey, that's not a real thing.

I know it's a word,
but it's not a real thing.

Words are words
because they are things.

In the US military,
we do not de-escalate.

We escalate and escalate until
we can't escalate anymore.

Somebody wins, somebody loses.
In this case, she lost.

She lost something she'll never
be able to get back again.

That's what happened to her.

-You?
-Moi.

That's why she's lashing out.

That's why I have to escalate

before she escalates.

Ah-ah. Did you see that?

Escalation.

[tense music]

I love how Maggie
decorated this place.

You know what? I don't
know if it's the runner's high

but let's split a croissant.

What? A carby, messy breakfast.

I don't recognize
my own husband.

[both sigh]

Is everything okay?

Yes and no. Um...

There's something
I need to talk to you about.

When we were separated,

I made what, uh, in hindsight

were some, uh, questionable
financial decisions

'cause I was in a lot of pain.

-Like how much pain?
-I bought a boat with Terrance.

The guy you dated
for like three months.

-Yeah.
-Okay, but you don't even sail.

I don't. I was just, uh, using
it for recreational activities.

Like water skiing?

Like recreational activities
on a boat.

Oh, my God. A sex boat.

-I was in a bad place, okay?
-You think?

I was in a weird time
in my life.

-Yeah.
-I, uh, watched a lot of

Is it Cake? on the dark web.

And when it's not cake,
yeah, really wish it were cake.

Okay, so what's
the interest rate?

-Four... 40.
-Four... 40 percent?

-This is my problem, my debt,
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

-and I'm gonna handle it.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

If we're gonna make it work,
we have to be a team this time.

-Okay?
-Okay.

We're gonna pay
it off together ASAP.

Wow, you really are the best.

-You are the best.
-And I can make

smarter money choices,
like this coffee

I don't need fancy
expensive coffees.

-I'm gonna try matcha.
-Right now?

-[clatters]
-Hey!

Oh, hey, Conway, you got any
one of those hustles going on?

Provided it's completely legal,
count me possibly in.

Look, I just don't
work with friends.

-So... Good luck though.
-Yo, Shah!

I couldn't help but overhear
about your money troubles

with your wife's sex boat.

Okay, corporal, can everyone
please stop saying "sex boat"?

Pleasure cruise, bang raft,
rub and tugboat.

One more and
you're in the stockade.

Well, you're lucky
I only had those.

Look, I've always wanted to do

one of Conway's schemes.

Guess what? We don't need her.

I know one of her contacts.

His name starts with
a B or something.

Either way,
he's a transport pilot.

Dude will hook me up at cost.

No import fees or taxes.

I am talking wine,
watches,

sneakers, salamis.
Set up a meeting if you want.

They had a lot of different
matchas, so I got one of each.

[chuckles]

Let's set up that meeting.

-Okay?
-Mm-hm.

What are you doing?
You're just getting too close.

Haven't you ever
tailed a kid before?

-No.
-He's definitely

a child soldier.
Look at the unpredictable path

-he's taking.
-That's called skipping.

No, it's called him being
on a recon mission.

Damn, what do you do...?
What the hell is this?

That's the town farmers market,
must have really expanded.

What are you doing
on US property, huh?

-We use the bathrooms over here.
-Oh, great, great.

So you hate us,
but you come over here

to use our bathrooms.
Let me tell you something.

America didn't become
the number one country

in the history of countries
just so you

can go number two
wherever you want?

America's only number one in
obesity and healthcare costs.

Hey? And roller coasters.

-Yeah.
-And roller coasters.

So get the hell out of here.

Back in through the hole,
tell your friends

they come near this hole,
I'm gonna shoot 'em.

[instrumental music]

Yeah, that's right, kid.
I'm the devil.

Go tell your parents.

All right, what do we got?
Watches, purses, salamis?

Even better.

Lobsters.

-What?
-Bougie, right?

What are you doing? You never
mentioned live animals.

Okay, when lobsters die,
they're worthless.

What are we gonna do now?

Well, step number one,
we're gonna

-relax, okay?
-We're gonna relax?

-We're gonna be fine.
-We're gonna be fine.

Selling these
lobsters is gonna be

as easy as selling lobsters...

-as to, to, to, to a...
-to a...

-To a, I don't know.
-Yeah.

Man. I don't know who
to sell them to.

I don't know how to sell them.
Okay? This could be easier.

It could be very, very hard,
I don't even know

-how to cook the things.
-Okay.

-All right?
-Okay.

I don't know what
I'm doing, man.

-I'm wailing over here.
-Okay.

Listen, as a reasonable person

who's grounded in reality.

-That's what we need right now.
-Yep.

-I am spinning.
-And I am out.

No. Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, man,

I don't get your half,
that guy's breaking my legs.

He's not gonna break your legs.

[dramatic music]

He's definitely gonna
break your legs.

You're the logistics genius.

Okay, okay.

Lobsters, lobster fest.

Red lobster, rock, lobster,
surf and turf.

Market price. Market price.
Farmers market. That's it.

We can sell them at
the farmers market, the base.

-Oh! [laughs]
-We can unload them today!

-Ugh!
-Dude, I don't know

why you're worrying
so much, man!

-Okay, I'm a genius. Here we go.
-You're a genius.

Here's my half of
the lobster money.

Emergency meeting in
the conference room right now.

That God forsaken farmers
market has got to go.

You legally committed.

You already touched a lobster.

You know, they call us names,
they treat us like the enemy,

but then they want
to come over here

and use our quilted
American toilet paper?

-I don't think so.
-Well, in reality,

they're probably
just using our bidets.

You're telling me
they come over here

to wash their asses?

You got to be kidding me.

They want an enemy.
They got an enemy now.

But it is just
a farmers market.

-Yeah.
-Where you can buy,

I don't know,
vegetables, fruit,

and very fresh,
reasonably priced seafood.

Anybody else
craving a lobster roll?

Yeah, me, I am.

Does Katja really think
we're just gonna stand here

-and take this crap?
-I mean, we could.

No, no, no. You know
what this means, right?

Well, it means that we
could come

to a mutually
agreed upon solution

with our
international partners.

-[Abraham] That's--
-What a team!

Father and daughter
at it again.

-What a team. Quinn! Quinn!
-Or, or...

or just playing
dwevil's advocate,

we can go to war.

So I think...

-War.
-War.

-Yeah.
-War.

Prepare for war.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

You can move past war right
into the realm of war crime.

What are you talkin' about?

This is very important
smokescreen training

that we do every year.

Private Someone, unleash hell.

It's not tear gas or anything.
Just a little smoke.

It barely burns.

And you know, it's
a very important exercise.

But once it's up in the air
and the wind they cover,

there's nothing
I can really do about it.

[gunshot]

[all screaming]

And that is how you escalate.

-[gunshot]
-[all screaming]

Oh, yeah, fire another one.

Hello.

I am going to be
speaking in English

in a way that
the Americans will understand.

So the people of Stroopsdorf
are, like, really, like, united.

And we are literally declaring
an embargo on the base, y'all.

Our town will
no longer sell fruit,

produce, meat, milk
or eggs to the base.

All you will be left
with is your American slop.

So eat up, you partially
hydrogenated little piggies.

Are you excited? I'm obsessed.

So she just said, "eat up,
your American piggies."

-I understand English, Jan.
-Well, good. Good.

Then you understand
how bad this is.

It's okay.
We're equipped for this.

[instrumental music]

We are not equipped for this.

I have gotten
these soldiers used

to a Michelin star
level of dining,

and now the chefs
refuse to cook their dishes

without the finest,
freshest ingredients.

So I have no choice.

We're serving MREs.

It's Ceviche Saturday,

and now I'm eating
Southwest Surprise chunks.

Surprise, the chunks are sharp.

-[retching]
-I need another vomit bucket.

Okay, uh, now will you
let me de-escalate to this?

Listen, I also know
Katja personally,

and I feel like
I can make some real headway

if I come to her
on a human level,

which obviously
you're not able to do

-because you are inhuman.
-Thank you.

I studied this in
college, okay?

So I'd like to
put it into practice.

The problem with these soldiers
is they're not tough enough.

-That's the real issue.
-Mmm.

Thank you.

[splattering]

But you are tough enough, right?

Oh, yeah, this is stuff

that soldiers are supposed
to be eating, MREs.

[suspenseful music]

[retching]

-Go talk to her.
-Okay, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's the worst thing
I've ever had.

-Okay. Thank you.
-At least get her

to let some hot sauce in.

Oh, my God.

[Abraham] pH balance looks good.

Now we just got to
keep these babies alive

until that river cruise ship
docks on Cologne

for the weekend.

Old people love a soft meat.

Now, historically, I'm not great

at keeping secrets,
but this time,

I am going to do it.

Okay, well, what about
your new roommate?

He's struggling. Yeah.

Ever since he
transferred from Baumholder.

I can tell from reading
his journal, it's all...

"I don't think
Papadakis likes me.

I don't think
Papadakis respects me.

I think Papadakis is
reading my diary."

-It's worrying.
-No, no, no, no.

I meant can we trust him?

Probably not.

-Oh, hey, uh, Specialist Gideon.
-Here he is.

Keeping live animals in the
barracks is against the rules.

Oh, my God.
This guy's such a narc.

Okay, nobody's narc.
Nobody's a narc.

-Oh, no, I'm a narc.
-Okay, don't need to prove it.

Um, how are
we gonna make this okay?

What do you need?

I want a lobster.

Okay. Okay. Like to eat?

What? No, to raise.

-Let's get him a lobster.
-Fine.

Take Darren.

[upbeat music]

-You'll never be his real dad.
-Don't say that.

I should have let that
guy break your legs.

[upbeat music]

Katja. Hi.

Uh, I'm here to negotiate
a truce with you.

But you know, we could get to
the bottom of this, as ladies.

-As a couple of ladies?
-Yeah.

We cannot let our
marginalization as women

be weaponized in the interest
of the American empire.

Be that as it may,
I know neither of us

wants this whole thing
to get ugly.

And we also know
how crazy my dad can get.

I mean, he thought
you sent like,

a child soldier
to the base the other day.

-I did.
-Sorry, what?

Well, he was my tool
to provoke a response.

Your father acting the villain
made me the hero.

A-are you saying that your goal
was to escalate the situation?

Of course. What else is there?

Wow, you guys were
really perfect together.

-No, he is the enemy.
-No, see that-that's the thing.

We're not the enemy.

I mean, between us
non marginalized ladies,

the base really brings
more value to the community

than it even does
to the US military.

So in other words, it's useless?

Well...

Uh, uh...

[laughter]

Why are we laughing?

Because I had somebody

from the local government

look at the original agreement

between the US government
and the town of Stroopsdorf,

and he found
something in the small print

and it says if
the base is rendered useless,

it shall be returned
to the Dutch people.

Well, actually, jokes that
you have to explain

are not that funny.

We are not going to stop
at the farmers market.

We're going to take back
the whole base.

Well, I...

[instrumental music]

You're telling me Katja
wants to take back the base?

Yes, I know.
But I am going to fix it.

I've got a lot of ideas.

Oh, you have a lot of ideas
how to keep me

from becoming
the first US military leader

in history to
lose land in Europe.

That's what you're telling me?

Your diplomacy thing is done.

You know what's happening?

They're moving
the farmers market

to the town square,
we are gonna storm it

and get our goods back, okay?

So what I need from
you right now

is not ideas. I need four tanks.

[instrumental music]

[Dana knocks] Open up,
I know you're hiding shellfish

in there. Oh-ho-ho.

So you tried to pull a con
without Conway?

This is the most amateur
lobster smuggling

I've ever seen.
I expected more from you, Shah.

Yeah, so did I.
I'm surprising myself.

I just wanted a fresh start
for Celeste and I,

and I figured if I
can move these lobsters,

-we have a chance.
-Wow!

We are not in
this for the same reasons.

Of course I'll help you, Shah.

For 50 percent of the profits.

-Wait, 50 percent?
-50 percent?

-I could have gotten money?
-Of course.

I'm the only one
who can fix this.

You have all the power
when you have the ear

of the person in power.

[instrumental music]

Why aren't you out solving
this farmers market crisis?

It involves
all the things you love.

Communication, soft power,
fresh honey.

True, honey never goes bad.

But you know I've already tried
and failed at making peace,

and my dad
trusted me to do it my way,

and now he is never
gonna trust me again.

Hey, don't be so hard
on yourself.

No one's good at anything
their first time.

Especially
my high school girlfriend.

I mean you would think
because we have the same parts

that it wouldn't feel like she
was looking for her keys

at the bottom of
her purse, but it did.

Well, that break up was ugly.

-Like Katja and my dad.
-Mm.

I need to get them
to really talk.

-I should call my ex.
-I've been trying to solve

the wrong problem
the whole time.

I mean, she has to be
better at it by now, right?

-Right.
-Right.

-Well, anyways...
-Yeah.

You get out there and you let

your diplomat flag fly.

-Thank you. Yes, okay.
-Right, yeah, come on.

Get this.

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Katya, a moment.

You know they sell blow dryers
on every street corner.

Okay, you know, shutting
down the base hurts you,

this embargo hurts you,

and moving forward
with the fine print

is mutually-assured destruction.

Well, sometimes
you need to be broken down

-to be built back up like...
-Like my father in the bedroom.

Yeah, I got it. These are your
whole numbers. Okay?

You see, the people
aren't really blaming my dad

for closing the farmers market.
They're blaming you.

You need to talk to me.

Well, not me exactly.
[clears throat]

Okay, I will not
eat Indian food.

Too much curry,
not enough ketchup.

Dad, sit, I brought the ketchup.

There is not a problem
between the base and the town.

There is a problem
between the two of you.

And we are not
leaving this table

until you two figure out
how to get over this breakup

without causing
an international incident.

And if you don't start talking,

I will have to escalate
with the king of heartbreak,

Phil Collins.

-Play, "Take a Look at Me Now."
-No, no.

-Ooh, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no, please.

-We'll talk.
-We'll talk.

[dramatic music]

I did wear
the pantsuit for you.

[speaking in Dutch]

She says she's proud to announce

that the farmers market

and the base came
to a resolution.

They will give land
to the town,

and the town will give
new land to the base.

And now, rather than
standing on borrowed ground,

we once again stand
on Dutch soil.

Whoo! How joyous.
Okay, I'm gonna get a smoothie.

And thank you, Colonel Quinn.

And I ask you all to please
support my candidacy

for Burgermeester.

[Maggie] So is this good for us?

But I think Katja
is gonna win in a landslide.

Ooh! How do you like
the new territory?

First American military leader
to gain land in Europe

and give some back too.
But the press release

won't get that far.

I mean, listen,
we got a plum tree,

and they got a little
piece of land

with a broken sewage system
'cause I flushed

a bunch of our MREs down
their toilets. Couldn't resist.

It's basically like
southwestern cement.

And I got to say, you know what?
You really would make

-a great politician.
-Really?

[Patrick] Well, yeah,
you're really good

at dealing with
difficult people

like Katja, you know?

Yeah. Well, I have to admit
there really was something

to the whole, uh,
escalation thing after all.

Oh, God, that-that Phil Collins
thing was just brutal.

-Those are so good.
-Really?

-Mm-hmm. Plums!
-Laundry, cheese, plums.

I like the sound of it.

[upbeat music]

-Two lobsters, please.
-Right away. You got it.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

-Very welcome.
-Aww.

I love kids when
they have money.

So do you keep getting back
together with Celeste

because she's a fun mess

-you like to clean up?
-No.

Maybe. I don't know.

The codependency is
the strongest form

of a relationship.
That's how we work, okay?

She makes things interesting,
and I like to feel needed.

Okay, well, at least
the cadence sounded healthy.

Yo, soon as I figure
out the exchange rate,

-we might be rich.
-Oh!

And we just sold
our last 20 lobsters.

-Yes!
-Oh, yeah!

[cheering]

Hi! Party at our house

to celebrate
all the money we made.

'Cause I just
bought 20 lobsters.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

[children] It's going so well.