All language subtitles for Definitely.Gangster.2025.1080p.SCREENER.WEB-DL.H264.AAC-AOC

I'm telling you a story now.

This is a story of how me and my best
friend Xander became a little bit

gangster. If you want to be a little bit
gangster too, you have to do three

things.

One, you need to beat a drunk sailor in
a game of poker.

Two, you need to chase a mountain lion
through a forest fire.

And three, you need to escape from a
prison.

This is a story of how me and Xander
became a little bit more gangster

ourselves.

My best friend Xander was named after
some of his ancestors.

Xander Rudicelli Carbonelli I was the
most famous gangster in Old World

They called him Xander the Fish, because
he would put you in the water if you

crossed him.

Also, because a Xander is a European
fish.

Xander Rudicelli Carbonelli II was also
a gangster.

But after being busted and sent to
prison for gangster stuff, his wife fled

the United States, where their son was
born, and he was given the Americanized

name Billy.

Generations of Xander's family were born
in America, but completely lost their

gangster ways, until Xander's father
named him in succession to his great

-great -grandfather, making him Xander
Rudycelli Carbonelli III.

And for as long as he could remember,
Vander wanted to be just a little bit

gangster himself.

I first met Vander at our elementary
school dance.

Is that a grandpa jacket, Carbonelli?

It's a gangster jacket.

My name's Xander.

Really?

Want to dance?

Sure.

Are you going to dance?

I...

Don't know how to dance.

So you invited me to dance in front of
you while you watch?

Or you invited me to be embarrassed?

Edward G. Robinson learned how to dance
in The Big Apple.

Maybe I can learn too.

You just move around a lot.

From that day forward, we were friends.

You better give up, Rico.

You haven't got a chance.

You want me?

You have to come and get me, copper.

You'd better be a nice boy, Enrico.

Little buzzard like you will never put
any cuffs on Rico.

What are you doing?

I'm writing notes about how to be
gangster.

Why would you want to be gangster? Don't
they always die?

Being a gangster is on my list of things
to do.

Xander's favorite things were sailing
ships on the ocean, even though he had

never been on one.

Lions, even though he had never met one.

Redwood trees, even though he had never
seen one.

Gangster prison stories, even though he
didn't know anyone who had been to

prison. And Edward G. Robinson gangster
movies, even though he wasn't supposed

to watch them.

Xander, we're home.

You aren't watching those gangster
movies again, are you? What did I tell

about that?

Oh, hi, Julie.

Hi, Mr.

and Mrs. Rudycelli Carbonelli. So nice
to see you again, Julie.

Xander, why don't you put on the news or
something more friendly?

Dangerous pandemic stuff is now
spreading across the United States and

around the world.

Officials are calling it a global
emergency.

In other news, the West Coast wildfires
have reached historic size.

Prison fire crews have been dispatched
to fight the blaze all across

Animals in the forest are being burned
alive.

Many are fleeing the fires to local
communities in search of safety and

to eat people. Here in New York,
homelessness is at an all -time high.

That was when a series of things
happened that set off the events that

me to be telling you this story now.

Give it back, Stevie.

Come on. Give it back. Sail on a boat?

Meet a lion?

See redwoods?

Visit a prison?

Get Edward G. Robinson to teach me
gangster stuff?

You'll never be gangster, Xander. I said
give it back, Stevie.

Then Susie Marshall told on me for
kissing Xander on his cheek.

Do you understand, young lady, what you
could have done?

Yes. You do.

I could have broken Susie's heart
because she liked Xander, but she's a

pretends she doesn't because she thinks
he's not cool enough yet.

What? No. We're in a pandemic right now.
You could spread the sickness.

Okay. I don't think you understand the
severity of this.

You could spread the disease.

The disease?

Do you not understand? The pandemic
stuff kills people. Kills them?

Yes, you could die.

I could die?

Xander could die. Xander?

I could die.

Your teachers could die. You could
spread it to your family. Your parents

die from this. Do you understand? This
is serious.

I understand.

You're saying I could die?

Yes. And Xander could die?

Yes.

And you could die.

Yeah. And my parents could die. Yeah.

There are forests in California?

Uh, yeah.

Wait, what?

There are lions in the forest?

Um, yes.

Mountain lions, but... Do they have
family?

Yes, of course, but what does that have
to do with... The forest is on fire?

Yes. There are lions on fire in the
forest.

Young lady, did you not hear a single
word I just said? Do you know what it

takes to keep the school open right now?
I know that if I'm going to die, and

Xander's going to die, and you're going
to die, and my parents are going to die,

and there are lions on fire in the
forest,

then I might as well kill Xander again.

We need a

nurse in here right now.

I killed my best friend.

What? He's not dead.

He's sick.

He's going to the hospital.

I gave him the kiss of death.

I don't think you gave him the kiss of
death, honey.

Jesus, the size of this box for just
three VR headsets.

Julie, wait till you see what we got
with the stimulus checks.

Virtual reality!

That's when I took matters into my own
hands and skipped school to find Xander.

Hey, Julie.

What are you doing here?

Did I kill Xander?

What? Oh, my gosh, no, young lady. You
didn't kill anyone.

Xander's just not well right now.

We're trying to...

Trying to get him better.

Can I talk to him?

I don't think that's a good... Who is
it, honey?

I just want to talk to Xander, please.

We can't.

His immune system is compromised.

Keith. The doctor said... This little
girl kissed his cheek.

It's too dangerous.

It's a pandemic. She kissed his cheek,
Keith.

If we don't let him even see this little
girl...

Six feet.

Xander, you have a visitor, honey.

Hi, Xander.

Hi, Julie.

I'm really sorry if I gave you the kiss
of death.

You didn't give him the kiss of death,
sweetie.

Xander has cancer.

Okay, good.

Wait, what?

I'm going to give you two some time
alone.

I didn't know a kiss on the cheek could
give you cancer.

It's not your fault, Julie.

What happened to your hair?

Did my kiss make your hair fall out?
That'd be pretty wild.

The medicine.

The medicine made you bald?

We had to shave it.

Sheesh.

I have your list of things to do.

I can't do any of those things anyways.

Why?

Because we met with the Bucket List
Foundation and they said... The Bucket

Foundation? Why would you meet with the
Bucket List Foundation?

That's for kids who are dying.

The Bucket List Foundation said... Veil
on the ocean?

Well, all the cruise ships are closed
because of the pandemic. I mean, maybe

could rent the boat and take them
ourselves.

Get tested, quarantine, social distance
on deck.

Would you like to come sailing on a boat
with us?

Redwood? Well, I'm sorry, you can't see
Redwoods right now. The

forest in California is on fire.

Lions? The zoos are closed because of
the pandemic also.

We could look into it and see if one of
the zoos would make an exception.

They just turned down the Smith kid
insurance.

Oh, okay. No zoos. Anything else on your
list?

Italy? No. No. France?

Nope. Pandemic. Africa?

I don't think he gets it. China?

Christ! Tom! Peru?

Kid, you can't travel around the world.
The pandemic is everywhere.

I'm sorry.

It just can't happen.

Prison. What?

I want to visit a prison.

Why the heck would you want that?

Yeah, that's not even a thing, kid.

Can Edward G.

Robinson teach me to be gangster?

We aren't laughing at you. We're
laughing with you, kid. Who is Edward G.

Robinson? He was a Hollywood golden era
gangster actor. The Al Pacino of his

time. My father used to watch him.

I'm sorry, kid.

Edward G. Robinson has been dead for
like 40 -something years.

We should tell him about it there.

We could definitely get him a good wig.

When I left Sandra's house, I missed the
bus and had to walk home.

But that's when I met someone who knew
powerful magic.

You seem troubled, young lady. What can
I do for you, my dear?

Nothing, unless you know magic.

I do. You do?

Yes. What kind?

Cardboard box magic.

How does that work?

A large cardboard box can be almost
anything you want it to be.

A spaceship?

Yes. A jet?

Yes. A house?

Yes.

A dog?

No.

A cancer fixer?

No. A teleporter?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I knew what the cardboard box the queen
said had to be true.

And I knew what I needed to do.

Xander, wake up.

Julie? What are you doing here? I have a
magical cardboard box, and I'm here to

take you on adventures now.

You have a what?

You can still do the things on your list
of things to do.

We can still do it, Xander.

You just have to believe.

What the...

What

the

heck are you doing on my ship?

I said, what are you doing on my ship?

We're on an adventure now.

Well, how did you get on my ship?

Magic.

So you want to be a wise guy?

Yes. What?

Xander wants to be a wise guy.

You think this is a joke?

No. Xander is descended from gangsters.
I've seen his family tree. It's on his

wall at home.

There was Xander Rudicelli Carbonelli I,
and then there was Xander Rudicelli

Carbonelli II, but he went to prison.

What is she talking about? Isn't Xander
a European fish?

Yes, but Xander the fish was also the
greatest Italian gangster in 19th

Europe. Really?

Yeah, he put people in the water.

What? We can throw you in the brig for
sneaking on our ship and keep you there

until you get home to your parents.

Which could be month.

How would you like that?

What's the brick?

Jail. Like prison?

Yes.

Okay. What?

You want to go to jail?

Oh, stop. You're killing me. It's
nothing but poker, bad food, and no

there. Boy, it's too much.

Edward G.

Robinson went to jail in The Last
Gangster.

Who's Edward G. Robinson?

Oh, yeah.

I remember his movies. A classic.

I said, what are you doing on my ship?

Well, we were watching a gangster movie,
but then the pandemic stuff happened,

and there were lines on fire in the
forest. Then Stevie Ash broke through

Xander's book of things to do, so I
kissed Xander on his cheek, but Susie

Marshall got jealous because she liked
Xander, but she's a liar, and she

pretends she doesn't because he isn't
cool enough yet.

So we got sent to the principal's
office. Then Xander got sick because I

him the kiss of death. But it wasn't the
kiss of death. It was cancer and all of

his hair fell out. Then Xander wanted to
find Edward G. Robinson to teach him

how to be a gangster like Xander's
ancestors.

But the bucket list people told him that
Edward G. Robinson is dead and they

wouldn't take him on any adventures and
didn't even get him a good wig.

But I met the cardboard box queen and
she taught me that cardboard boxes are

magic and can be almost anything you
want them to be. So when my parents were

virtual reality, I took their cardboard
box and we used it to come here to do

the things in Xander's book of things to
do.

So, you're saying some cat named Stevie
was bullying you?

Yes. And you want to learn how to be
cool like Xander's gangster ancestors?

Yes.

And you kissed Xander, but Susie got
jealous and told on you?

Yeah. And you got sent to the
principal's office, but Xander had

Yes. And the Bucket List Foundation
wouldn't take you on any adventures

of the pandemic?

Yes. So you used that cardboard box to
sneak your friend on our ship to take

on an adventure?

Yes.

Well, damn, kid, that's all you had to
say.

Stevie, what a little punk that kid.

What? I am the captain of this ship. We
cannot have children on this boat. We're

crossing the ocean. The kid's got
cancer, Bill.

No, it cannot happen. Cancer? Look at
his head. They didn't even give him a

wig. I remember when you got drunk and
told me all about that wee girl you had

crush on in third grade when your
parents made you move away and you never

her again. You broke down crying because
you thought she could have been the

love of your life and I had to hold you
while you were rocking. and I'm falling

and threatening to jump over the
starboard and into the Mediterranean.

These kids are having their moment, Cap.
We can't take it from them.

Oh, God darn it. Yeah, yeah.

Woo -hoo!

Let's give them a real adventure.

Yeah.

Can you teach me to play poker?

Reminds me of that time in Italy.

Italy? You were in Italy? That's where
this ship is going. That's where we

always go. We'll be there by the end of
the week.

What do you say, Cap?

You in for a game?

I'm not going to play, children.

They shouldn't even be on this ship.

You scared you'd lose, Cap? Never seen
the captain afraid to play poker before.

I'm not scared.

Then give it a go, Captain.

Yeah, give it a go.

The cop is the best of us.

He's a champion.

Well, what did they even have to bet in
the first place?

I bet the lion picture.

I bet my gangster jacket.

You lost your money to a couple of kids
that had nothing to bet but a jacket and

a picture of a lion?

Those are prized possessions. I mean,
everybody likes lions.

Yeah, and I don't have a gangster
jacket.

You must have something worth betting,
Captain.

I am not playing these kids.

I bet you all this money for your beard.

What?

You heard him, Captain.

He bets all that money for your beard.

I am not playing poker for my beard.

You're scared you'll lose your beard to
a child.

I'd bet you all for your beards.

Sweet boys.

Well, there goes our beard.

Yeah. I wanted to save anyway.

Captain's never lost like that before.

I don't think any of us have.

What made you want to learn poker, kid?

Edward G.

Robinson played poker in smart money.
Maybe that would help me be a little

gangster.

You are well on your way, kid.

But what did you want all our beards
for?

That was how Xander and I crossed the
Atlantic Ocean.

And how Xander got his hair back.

Next, we went to Italy, the land where
Xander's ancestors lived.

We saw the Cant Alley Grandy, and the
Palazzo

Duck Alley, and the San George

Mag, um, a cool island.

Until finally we found the Italian
historical museum of gangster stuff.

Ma cosa ci fate in una scatola nel
canale?

Um, what?

Eh, cosa?

We are here to learn about gangster
stuff.

Guardate che la vostra scatola di sicuro
affonda nel canale. I don't know what

he's saying, but it sounds kind of
gangster.

Ma non lo sapete che lo scarico dei
bagni finisce nel canale?

Yeah, very gangster.

Che cosa sta succedendo? Non sanno che l
'acqua dei bagni finisce nel canale.

Are you both saying gangster things?

Oh, you speak English?

What are you doing in a box in the
canal?

We're here to see gangster stuff.

Sono qui per vedere roba da gangster.

Il museo è chiuso. Come ci siete entrati
in una scatola nel canale? Ma che hai

delle barbe in testa, tu?

He said the museum is closed.

How did you get in a box in the canal?

Are those beers on your head?

Um...

Well... And now we're in Italy to see
where Xander's ancestors came from and

learn about his gangster past so he can
become a little bit more gangster

himself.

Okay, let me translate.

Well,

why didn't you say so? Come on in, I'll
show you around.

Welcome to the official Italian
historical museum of gangster stuff.

Oh,

okay.

If you want me, you'll have to come and
get me!

Wow. This is the gangstress thing I've
ever seen.

Come, this way.

This is the suit coat Al Pacino wore as
Michael Corleone in The Godfather I.

Whoa, whoa.

This is the suit coat Samuel L. Jackson
wore in Pot Fiction. Ooh.

And this is the suit coat Edward G.
Robinson wore as Rico Bandello in Little

Caesar. Whoa.

Whoa.

We'd like to learn more about Zander's
Italian gangster ancestors.

Can you tell us about them? We do keep a
book of every person in the world who

has ever been gangster.

Come to my office.

What was your ancestor's name?

Xander Rudicelli Carbonelli the First.

Hmm. That name sounds very familiar.

Wait. Did you say Rudicelli Carbonelli?
Yeah.

Ah yes, here it is.

Xander Rudy Kelly Carbinelli the First
was definitely not a gangster.

What? Yes.

That name was familiar to me because he
was a famous part -time priest who only

baptized old people who never got
baptized as babies.

What does that even mean?

It means he was definitely not a
gangster.

But that doesn't make sense.

They called him Xander the Fish because
he put people in the water if they

crossed him. No.

They called him Xander the Fish because
he put people in the water after he

crossed them.

Xander's whole identity had been called
into question. The entire known history

of his family.

But that's impossible!

What about Xander Rudicelli Carbinelli
II?

After being busted and sent to prison,
his wife fled to the United States,

her son was born, and generations of
Xander's family lost their games away.

Until Xander's father named him in
succession to his great -great -great

-grandfather, making him Xander
Rudicelli Carbinelli III.

Xander Rudicelli Carbinelli II followed
the footsteps of his father, and was

also a part -time priest who baptized
the old people who never baptized as

babies.

He was sent to prison briefly when one
of the old people he was baptizing died

during the baptism.

His wife left to America with their son,
and a new family trip began there.

But shortly after being sent to prison,
the court decided that Zanderud Kelly

Carbinelli II did not, in fact, killed
the old man.

He was just very, very old and died of
old age.

Zanderuditelli Carbonelli II was in
prison for only a few days and then

out the rest of his life baptizing old
people who never had been baptized as

babies.

And sometimes he liked to eat cannoli.

So you mean to tell me Zanderuditelli
Carbonelli III is not descended from

gangsters at all?

I'm so sorry, but it turns out he's not.

In fact, he is not even the first Zander
Rudi Kelly Carbinelli the third.

When Zander Rudi Kelly Carbinelli the
second was released from prison and

out his wife left to America, he married
a new wife and they had kids.

There was a Zander Rudi Kelly Carbinelli
the third, the fourth, the fifth, the

sixth, the seventh, the eighth, and none
of them were gangsters.

That would make you Zander Rudichelli
Carbinelli the second third or the

I'm not really sure.

I'm sorry, kid.

It's a real bummer.

I know.

Goodbye!

Ciao!

If I couldn't help Xander become a
gangster, I knew that I had to do

to cheer him up.

And the only thing I could think to do
was the next thing on his list of things

to do. So we traveled the world in
search of redwoods and lions.

We went to Paris and saw the Eiffel
Tower and ate baguettes and listened to

French people talk.

But we found no redwoods or lions.

In Kenya, we saw giraffes.

And zebras.

And mountain bongos or something.

And some nice people.

But we found no redwoods or lions, even
though we think lions may have been

there.

I sensed our journey was running out of
time.

Creo que le gustan las barbas en tu
cabeza.

But no matter where we went, we couldn't
find redwoods or lions, and I couldn't

cheer Xander up.

Until we traveled to California.

It was snow and ash.

It was scary, but also the most amazing
view we ever saw.

know what to do. What do we do?

We must act like murder psychos. Murder
psychos?

Murder psychos? Yeah.

Follow my lead.

Of course it worked.

I think I peed my pants.

It's good. In their language, it means
you marked yourself as your own

territory. Oh, well, well good. Now we
must get you out of danger.

Where do we go?

Prison. What?

Follow me. We're going to base camp.

I found these kids in the forest.

What were you kids doing in the forest?

Um... Where do you live?

Don't tell him nothing, kid.

Nothing.

What? Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Where are your parents?

In virtual reality.

Virtual reality?

Yeah. Well, what are you doing here?

We're on an adventure.

Yeah. Did you pee your pants?

Damn right he did. I found him facing
off against a mountain lion in a forest

fire.

That makes no sense. Not a single drop
of sense.

Take them with you guys back to the
prison camp on the next run.

Get them some new clothes when they get
to the prison. Have Mr. Transport Guard

call ahead so they're expecting them.

You're an Avenger now.

I'm Julie.

I'm Xander.

Sid.

Haynes. Robin.

McDuff. Are any of you gangsters by any
chance?

Nah. Nah. Not really. Not really, no.

What are you in prison for?

Thievery.

Robbery.

Fistfightery. Robbery.

What did you rob? I robbed a bank.

That sounds kind of gangster.

Not really.

Gangster people.

Made my mom cry. Can't see my dog.

Not very gangster at all, actually.

Edward G. Robinson robbed banks in
Larceny, Inc. and in The Whole Town's

Talking. Who's Edward G. Robinson?

The coppers couldn't get me no other
way, so they hired a couple gunmen, you

see. Oh, yeah. I recognize him. He was
like the Albertino Robert De Niro of his

day. Yeah.

What were you kids doing in the forest?

I found him picking a fight with a lion.

Kid was squared up. About to give up the
old one, too.

He'd impede himself to assert his
dominance in Marcus' territory.

Jiu -jitsu.

Genius. They don't even teach that.

How'd you kids get out there?

Well... We were watching an Edward G.
Robinson gangster movie when...

The official book of people who are
definitely

not gangster?

Who the heck do those Italians think
they are? Who made them the authority on

who's gangster and who's not? I think
we're a bigger authority than they are.

Done right. Let's hold court on it right
now.

I believe, based on the strength of my
belief, and supported by the evidence

that I believe, you can be as gangster
as you want to be.

Done. Done.

Done. Whoa.

Whoa. You know, it might be good that
your ancestors weren't gangsters.

Yeah. This is a huge opportunity.

It is?

Darn right it is. Darn right it is. Just
imagine.

You could become the greatest gangster
that your ancestors never even were.

Ooh.

You need a nickname.

Yeah. Yep. Sure do. Sure do. In Africa,
lions have big manes on their head.

What are lion's manes?

They're basically just beds on top of
your head.

Oh! Your nickname could be Xander the
Lion.

Xander the Lion?

Did you hear that, Xander?

You're Xander the Lion now.

Whoa.

I'd say that makes it even more
important for Edward G. Robinson to

gangster stuff.

But how?

Edward G. Robinson is dead.

This magical cardboard box of yours?

I heard cardboard boxes can be time
machines, too.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Known that. Known that.

I heard that, too. But our cardboard box
burned up in the fire.

Yeah. And aren't we going to prison?

Today's commissary day, right? Sure is.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Oh,
yeah.

Lots of cardboard boxes.

Sounds like you're going to have to
escape from prison.

Ooh.

That sounds kind of gangster.

I got a plan.

Okay,

I'm Mitch the transport guard. This is
the joint, kids. It's lower security

because it's a prison fire crew camp. So
don't worry, no one here is going to

murder you.

Oh, okay, okay. Understand?

No one is going to murder you.

murder psychos, are you?

No. Okay, we're going to find your
parents and send you home in one piece.

two. But first, we need to pat you down.
Make sure you don't have any weapons.

Do you have any weapons?

No. No shanks? No.

Guns? No.

Bombs? No.

Nunchucks? No.

Swords? No.

What about drugs? You got drugs?

No. No.

Are you lying to me?

No. No.

Nah, these kids know better than that,
Mitch.

Okay, arms in the air.

Okay, this way. We'll take you to
booking. Okay.

No funny stuff.

Okay. Got my eyes on you. Okay.

We've got to get you out of those
clothes and into some new ones.

You check these kids out first, right?
Of course they're clear.

You can shower and change in those
cells. We'll get your mug shots taken,

you some snacks, and call your parents.

Okay?

Okay. You guys get those boxes of the
commissary sorted, why don't you?

You guys are murder psychos! They're
murder psychos! Murder psychos! Murder

psychos! They're murder psychos!

It worked!

Of course it worked.

We need backup and booking now!

Hold on tight, riot team.

What do we do now?

Hop in the box.

Thanks, guys.

No problem, kid.

Yeah, good luck.

Have fun for us. You're on a real
adventure now.

And that's how we escaped from prison
with a whole box of commentary.

And we are finally on our way to 1930
Los Angeles to find Xander's hero, the

legendary gangster actor Edward G.
Robinson.

BGFJ Los Angeles, broadcasting live.

Rumor has it the Grand Theater has been
closed to the public while producers

screen a rough cut of the much
-anticipated movie Little Caesar,

G. Robinson and Douglas Fairbanks Jr.

Come on. We can see you. You're just in
a box.

You can't see us. We're being sneaky
now.

No, you are right there. Seriously. Who
do you think you're pulling one over on?

Go about your business.

This isn't the box you're looking for.

Don't come closer.

We aren't.

That's enough of this malarkey.

What the... What the heck?

We need to get into the screening of
Little Caesar now.

What are you doing in convict clothes?

What, did you fly the coop?

Is that a bunch of beards on your head?

No, we are from the future, and that is
a lion's mane.

He is Xander the Lion now, and we need
to get out of our way so we can go find

Edward G. Robinson so he can teach us
about gangster stuff.

What? That makes no sense, not one bit
of sense, not a single bit.

You want to play hardball? I'll give you
three candy bars and two noodle soups.

Okay, fine.

I'll give you three candy bars, five
noodle soups, an instant coffee, two

butters, and six stamps.

Kid, you're not getting into that
screaming.

Okay, I'll give you three noodle soups,
an instant coffee, a peanut butter, and

five stamps.

What?

That's not even as much as you offered a
minute ago. What kind of a boondoggle

is this?

What do you think we are?

A couple of goons on the take? You're
not getting in there, kid.

Okay, fine.

I'll give you... $792

of future money.

You heard me.

If you want me, you'll have to come and
get me.

Little buzzard like you will never put
any cuffs on Rico.

Have it your way, Rico.

Mercy. Is this the end of Rico?

I mean, was that, uh, was that any good?

Should I have been a little more bent
flying the coop on those lines?

You did fine, Eddie. Yes, very strong,
Eddie. It's gonna be a hit. More rage.

Do we ever take with more... What is
that?

What is what? That.

Right there.

That box.

That box?

Yes, that box.

I've never seen that box.

Is it moving?

Did that box just make a move?

I don't know. I'm not sure it moved,
Eddie.

What are you, punch drunk?

I know it moved that time. It's moving
toward us, you see?

Comet theory. Is that snacks?

What am I, all nerves?

Is nobody hearing me? Am I talking to
myself?

We are here to learn gangster things
now. What in Sam Hill?

Holy mother of mercy.

What the heck are you kids doing in my
screening?

You see?

I need you to teach my friends Xander
gangster stuff, please.

Gangster stuff?

Gangster stuff?

Do you think you're the first people to
roll in here wanting me to teach them

gangster stuff?

Do your parents know you're here?

No. Say, did they put you up to this?
Who put you up to this?

Leroy? Zanuck? Wallace?

Did you guys put them up to this?

Having a little fun with me, are ya?
Nope, not us, Eddie. Never seen these

before. I put us up to it.

Well, we're gonna call your dad.

You mean my moms? You can't call my
moms. They're not even born yet.

What? What is she talking about?

You're in a real mess here.

You can't be sneaking around without
your parents.

Do you understand, young lady, what you
could have done?

Yes. You do?

I could have sat at home and done
nothing for my best friend Xander, and

would have been boring. And he never
would have found out if he had what it

takes to be a gangster.

So, you think you got what it takes to
be a gangster, do you?

It's a dangerous city, kid.

A dangerous world.

Okay. And you can't just sneak into my
screening.

Actually, we did, though. I mean, she's
right. They did.

Leroy!

Do you understand how hard it is to be
gangster, kid?

All that gangster stuff.

It'll get a sucker snuffed out, you see?

It's just gangster movies that make
gangster stuff look cool, kid.

In real life, it can get everyone
killed.

You understand?

I understand.

You're saying everybody could die.

Yes.

And Xander could die.

Yes.

Gangsters always die.

I mean, she's got a point.

Leroy, whose side are you on here?

I mean, just saying, the kid's right.

What am I, a schmuck?

Did nobody hear a single thing I just
said?

Do you know what it takes to be
gangster, kid?

I know that if everybody's gonna die,
and Xander's gonna die, then you might

well teach us how to be gangster.

Are those a bunch of beards on his head?

No, it's a lion's mane.

A lion's mane?

How do you get a lion's mane?

We were watching your gangster movies
and Xander was writing notes about how

be gangster and his book of things to
do. And then the pandemic stuff happened

and there were lions on fire in the
forest.

But I guess you wouldn't know about any
of that.

Then Stevie Ashbrook bullied Xander and
told him he would never be gangster.

Oh, he did, did he? Yeah, so I kissed
Xander on his cheek, but Susie Marshall

told on me, and we got in big trouble.

Well, isn't that sweet?

Dime -dropping little stool pigeon tried
to put you in the hot seat, huh?

Yeah, she sure did.

And then Xander caught cancer and all of
his hair fell out.

Cancer, you say?

Then the bucket list people wouldn't
take Xander on any adventures and didn't

even get him a good wig.

The bucket list people, you say?

Yeah, and they said you couldn't teach
Xander any gangster stuff because you

were already dead. Oh, they said that,
did they?

Yeah, and they laughed about it, too.

Oh, they did, did they? Yeah, so then we
used a cardboard box to sneak on a ship

to go to Italy and learn about Xander's
ancestors, who are the greatest

gangsters in Europe. The greatest
gangsters in Europe?

Well. And then Xander beat a bunch of
sailors in a game of poker and made them

shave off their beards so he could wear
them on his head.

You don't say.

Yeah, but then the Italian Museum of
Gangster Stuff told us that Xander's

ancestors were in the official book of
people who are definitely not gangster.

What do those chumps know about gangster
stuff anyways?

Then we gave up trying to learn gangster
stuff and went to find a lion instead.

Went to find a lion, you say?

Why would you do a thing like that?

It was in Xander's book of things to do.

Say, why is your book all burned up?

Because we found a lion, but the lion
wanted to eat us, and the forest was on

fire, so we had to act like murder
psychos and chase that lion through a

fire.

Then they sent us to prison.

Who sent you to the big house?

The coppers did, but the prisoners said
it didn't matter that Xander's ancestors

weren't gangster and that it was even
more important for us to find you,

if you taught us how to be gangster,
Xander could become the greatest

his ancestors never even were.

They said that?

Ah, of course they did.

They know Eddie G.

in the big house.

Ah, they know a thing or two about
gangster stuff.

Then we escaped from prison and came
here to find you. But first, the

told us that lions have beards on their
heads and named him Xander the Lion.

So, you're telling me that you beat a
bunch of sailors in a game of poker and

made them shave their beards so you
could wear them on your head?

Yes. And you chased a mountain lion
through a forest fire.

Yes. And you escaped from prison and
came all this way to find me.

Yes.

Well, I've got to tell you, you're
definitely gangster, kid.

You might be the most gangster person
I've ever met.

I don't think I have anything to teach
you at all.

You see?

And you did all this for your friend?

No. I did it for my best friend.

Well, I'd say you're a pretty gangster,
too.

Yeah.

Real life is stranger than fiction. We
gotta get our writers on this right

Ah, you see that?

You're gonna be in a movie now, kid.

You've been pretty quiet through all
this.

You've come all this way.

You have anything to say to old Rico?

You better give up, Rico.

You haven't got a chance.

Little Buzzard was a cop the whole time.

You want me?

You'll have to come and get me, copper.

This is your last chance, Rico. Are you
coming out or do you want to be carried

out? You'll never put any cuffs on me,
Buzzard. You see?

Mother of mercy.

Is this the end of Rico?

It was the best time of Xander's whole
life.

Anything else I can do for you, kid?

There is one more thing.

Anything, kid.

Can you teach me how to dance?

My friend, Xander Rudicelli Carbonelli
III, or second third, or ninth,

I'm still not really sure.

My best friend, Xander the Lion, died on
May 10th.

He didn't die of pandemic stuff, or
gangster stuff, or even the kiss of

He died of cancer.

I know that you doubted him.

But I'm here to tell you that it was
confirmed by Edward G. Robinson himself

that Xander was definitely gangster.

And now I'm going to bring Xander back.

Um, what? A large cardboard box can be
almost anything you want it to be.

It can be a spaceship or a jet or a
house, but not a dog or a cancer fixer.

But it can be a teleporter or a time
machine.

So I'm going to go to the future when
they have the cure for cancer and then

back in time and use it to save the
ender.

She's not handling this very well.

Julie, you've got to come out of there.

I'll be back, Mom.

Julie, it's time for some other people
to speak. I'm going into my box now.

What is she doing? Julie, honey.

I'm doing important things.

Come on.

This is Xander's service.

No, Mom. This is not Xander's funeral
service now.

What?

So, there I am, in the forest,
surrounded by the fire. And not just a

fire, but a big fire.

And I hear the sound, and I look up, and
there's a bear way up in the tree. But

the tree's on fire. And I'm like, hey,
what the heck are you doing up there?

gotta come down. And the bear's like,
heck no, I ain't coming down there.

And I'm like, but the tree's on fire.

And the bear's like, no way, you ain't
tricking me.

And I'm like... This is crazy.

Of course, the bear didn't actually say
that, because bears can't talk. But if

it could, that's pretty much how the
conversation would have gone. Oh, yeah.

So finally, the bear starts coming down,
and then it occurs to me.

Uh, I should probably run. Known fact.

Nobody said nothing about no darn bears.

Standing out here in these woods all by
my darn self.

Don't start, guys.

We're murder psychos.

We're murder psychos.

Y 'all don't really pee with our pants.

Murder psychos.

We're murder psychos. Yeah, real funny,
guys.