Original subtitles

♪

[phone rings]

Shut up! Shut up everybody, it's Gronk.

Who's that again?

You need to learn our culture, we are the center of the world.

Rob Gronkowski. [phone rings]

Four-time Super Bowl winner, five-time Pro Bowl selection.

Taurus sun, Libra rising.

Are you gonna answer that?

Okay, Frank, take a deep breath.

[phone rings] [Frank takes a deep breath]

What's up, Gronk? How's my favorite 87?

Of course I do favors. You need help moving?

Throw the ball?

Lady problems?

Oh, you're outside.

Remember, his favorite food is grass,

and his favorite sport is women's soccer.

-Take good care of him. -What's up, buddy?

Hi... he has a full-on zebra with him, Frank.

Uh, so, Tommy gave me this guy a few months back.

-Tom Brady. -Okay.

He got it from Jules.

Julian Edelman.

-Yes. -Dude, pull back.

Anyways, Tommy told me it was a teacup breed,

which is awesome, because I love tiny stuff.

Oh my God, I'm tiny. I'm tiny.

No one told me he'd keep growing.

He's really cool, but the black and white stripes

are kind of triggering.

Anyways, can you guys find him a good home?

Oh, yeah, I-I don't know that we can re-home a zebra.

[Emily] So...

Can I talk to you for a sec? Huddle up.

-We're doing this. -No, absolutely not.

We have a hard enough time adopting out adorable puppies.

Much less a Serengeti equine.

Look, I don't ask much.

All you do is ask for stuff.

All right, worst case scenario,

we leave him in a zoo parking lot after dark.

[overlapping responses]

Great news! We'll take him.

We feel really good about this.

Oh. Thanks, man.

Oh, it's what we do.

I mean, that and tossin' 'em back.

Do you wanna get a beer sometime?

Sure. I'll call you.

Gronk and I are gettin' a beer!

He's not gonna call you.

[Frank] He is, Gronk said it.

I just got to make sure my ringer's on 24/7.

I'm getting a beer with Gronk!

That's sad, huh?

♪ [vocalizing]

[yawning]

[yawns dramatically]

Sorry.

Once you have your fourth kid,

these caffeine drinks don't work!

It's the sound of the yawn that I find most unsettling.

You see that big extension cord right there?

So, that's a step on three.

-We'll take three, slowly. -Yeah. Okay, just-- Parker.

-Please, I'm fine. I just don't want you--

Why are you walking like you're about to accept

a lifetime achievement award?

It's 'cause she tripped while she was...

sneezing... mid-jump shot.

-She sunk it. -Yeah, you don't have to lie.

These people know who I am.

We were mid-sexy role-play.

He was a Lord from the 1600s,

I was his suckling pig, and...

I slipped off the dining room table.

I just tweaked my back a bit, I'm fine.

I'm gonna go to the pharmacy

and see if they make ice packs for butts.

Don't do that. It's fine, it's fine.

It's my own fault for not doing a few cobra poses

before you popped that apple in my mouth.

Call me if you need anything, okay?

Voicemail's pretty full, so just keep trying.

Yeah, okay. Bye.

-Bye. -Bye.

[Parker] What's the temperature in here? She likes it 70!

Hey, everyone.

I have some sad news.

Carl's gonna be on sabbatical because his wife is ill.

Yes! Yes!

-Oh, boy. -[Emily] Uh, forgive him.

I think he's celebrating because this means

he'll be interim Union Rep.

Yeah, a position I should've had this whole time.

It was a sham election.

Oh, it's true. I voted for Frank twice.

And you know, I don't mean to state the obvious,

but Union Rep is way more important than

senior officer.

I have wrested control of this precinct from Templeton,

the human rug burn.

It's actually my precinct, but...

And you've wrested nothing.

This man bows to no one.

Daisy, please.

This is a time for us to come together.

What?

What's goin' on?

Well, Frank, your first job as Union Rep is to represent

Templeton at his disciplinary board review.

Never. Next order of business, I'm gonna need an intern.

Probably best to get someone fresh from the academy

so I can mold them in my image.

What? You can get interns? I want an intern too.

No, nobody gets interns.

And, Templeton,

what depravity are you definitely guilty of this time?

Nothing, and I'm confident my body cam footage

will exonerate me.

All right, let me set the scene.

There was a report of a small missing dog.

I saw it on the street, I pulled over, it disappeared.

I assumed there was theft, so I followed protocol.

Sir, do you have a dog in your pants?

-What? -Your pelvis, sir.

I clearly see activity and I believe it's a Yorkie.

So, I'm gonna ask you to produce it,

or remove your pants.

Get away from me, you freak!

Wait, no! Come back!

What are you doing?!

[Templeton groans]

Hey, come back here!

Okay. That's enough. I don't catch him, so...

My man is a quarter horse, he's not built for distance.

Level with me. Is it bad?

Only when viewed through

the filter of normal human behavior.

I can't go down for this.

They'll send me to the probation room.

Didn't they shut that place down after the exposé?

Sorry, uh, what's the probation room?

Uh, it's where they send suspended city workers.

Think of the coolest place full of the most impressive people,

and it's the opposite.

You're not allowed to work.

You're not allowed to go home.

You can't go home?

Not 'til 5:00 PM.

Even if I didn't find you reprehensible,

which I do, this case is unwinnable.

Then you better win.

'Cause right now, you're the interim Union Rep.

-I have the votes. -Oh, do you?

Are you forgetting that I brought ten officers

when our precincts merged?

We vote as a bloc. Isn't that right, boys?

-[cheering] -[Daisy] Mm-hmm!

Fine. Damn it.

Well, like the Spartans of old,

I shall face impossible odds with courage and rock-hard abs.

But... I need all the facts.

And I absolutely need my own intern.

Nope. An intern is just so not remotely happening.

[Emily] Um... okay, everyone, let's get back to work.

[Victoria groans]

Shred, can I talk to you about kibble inventory?

-Yeah, sure. -Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I actually brought you to our spot to ask you something.

I love that we have a secret spot.

It's also really nice in here.

Oh, thank you. I actually did some sweeping,

and I tidied the shelves.

And then I also sprayed some of my perfume

on the cat food bags.

Yeah, I was wondering why that seafood blend

was getting me jazzed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. No.

I-I do wanna ask you a question.

Okay.

Do you wanna go on,

like, a real date?

Like out at a restaurant?

-Like an official date? -Yeah.

Yeah, but I thought we couldn't 'cause you might get in trouble.

I think we can pull it off.

- I found this restaurant, -Mmhmm

in Tacoma.

And do you know what they're famous for?

Being incredibly far from where we live?

-Key lime pie. -I love key lime pie!

I know you do.

Oh!

-That's so sweet. -Mm.

[phone alarm jingles] Oh wait.

That's our two minutes.

Um, okay, so when we walk out of here, just act natural.

-Okay. -Okay?

I got it.

What's with the Joker smiles?

Nothing.

We were talking about something that made us smile.

What?

Key lime pie.

Mmhmm.

I love key lime pie!

Oh.

-That was close. -My heart is pounding.

Storage room?

Yeah, I'll reset my timer.

-Okay. -Yes.

Can you back off?

I can feel your beef stew breath on my cheek.

We need to canvass these four blocks.

Check security cameras, talk to witnesses.

Anyone unfortunate enough to be that close to you.

We have to prove a dog was on the scene.

I know what I saw. I have 20/10 vision.

Better than birds of prey.

[giggles] You once told me that Margot Robbie

checked you out at Target.

Why are you dangling here?

This is supposed to be a closed meeting with my counsel.

Because my back is pretty sore and the sling helps.

I said she could stay if she took notes.

Could you read back what we have so far?

Yeah... Frank told me to take notes.

I told him to go to hell.

And that's pretty much where we left off.

Is anyone gonna take this seriously?

My career's on the line here.

Will you just relax and let me reluctantly do my job?

For the record, it was Margot.

Saw her buying t-shirts with an older blond guy.

Pretty sure it was Robert Redford.

That I will write down.

That's great.

After you, my lady.

-Thank you very much. -Yes.

Oh, people here are not as

dressed up as-- [gasps]

You're not that overdressed.

No. Daisy.

Uh... what do I do?

Shred!

She may have spotted me.

Hey. I have to go intercept.

-No, no, no, no. -Yes. Just stay here.

I'm gonna make a crawl for it. Okay?

-I'll just meet you in the car. -Okay. Two minutes.

Wait, wait, wait! My keys.

-Daisy! -Yes, hey!

What are you doin' here?

Well, all that talk of key lime pie,

I got a craving.

So, I Googled "best place in the city",

and this place popped up.

Yes, so I'm the reason you're here.

-Yep! -Love that.

Love that. Oh.

Sorry.

Ah, it looks like my date just canceled last minute,

emergency dental surgery, bottom incisor.

Uh, that sounds really specific and fake.

I think she's blowing you off.

Dang. Well...

I'm gonna go process these emotions at home.

I also got stood up.

My son blew me off to go hang out with his friends.

Yeah, that sounds tough.

Hey, let's get into that tomorrow.

I was just sitting here

scrolling through pictures of him

when he was little.

Pathetic, right?

No, it's not pathetic.

It's actually really sweet.

Hey.

Show me that baby.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Okay. Oh!

Two slices of key lime pie, please.

Look how adorable he was.

Oh... he has a big head, though.

He did a number on me.

[exhales] Ooh!

Eugh!

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, no. What?

[gasps]

What was in this?

[wretches]

No. Do not puke on your first official date.

Do not do it.

Not that he would notice.

Okay. Looks like none of the neighbors

have any footage of the dog.

You think they're all in on this?

No.

Well, maybe. Probably.

I mean, people tend to hate you.

I'm trying to support you, but this just feels like

a community cleanup.

Look, there's no evidence too small.

We are painting a picture.

What's the bell off a broken wind chime

gonna do to help us?

What's next? We've talked to everyone.

Not everyone.

Hi. My name's Frank.

Can I ask you a couple of questions about a missing dog?

-Doggie? -Yeah, doggie.

Doggie?

-What? -Uh...

This is what he looks like. Have you seen him?

-Push, please. -Sure.

You know, anything that, uh, you can remember

would be very helpful. -Higher!

Listen here, Miss Swing-lover--

Okay, okay.

She's playing with us, Frank.

Turn up the heat! Turn up the heat.

What are you doing?

Hi. Can I, uh, help you?

Uh, yes. Um, I'm officer Frank Shaw

with the Seattle Department of Animal Control.

NCIS.

We're here to ask your daughter some questions,

and it's not going very well.

-Is it? -Doggie eat dragon.

Doggie eat dragon?

What does that even mean?

She can't even string two coherent thoughts together.

All right, I need you to get off my property.

-Okay. -Uh, I'm sorry about him.

If it's any consolation, a jury of his peers is about

to toss him in a cage.

Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you, Frank?

See me carted off to some probation room.

Doorless bathroom stalls.

God only knows who I'll be

when I get out of that gladiator school.

You know what?

I'm done.

Shocker. You're quitting just like you quit on your marriage.

I've never been married.

Yeah, 'cause no one will have you.

Burn. I knew that.

And bye-bye Union Rep votes!

[truck engine starts]

Frank, open the door, big guy.

Frank, what are you doing? You can't leave me here.

My picture's all over the community website.

Frank! Frank!

Oh.

Come on, Dudge. Find that fourth gear.

[phone rings]

Hi. How's it going?

Hey, uh, Daisy's in the bathroom,

but we're almost done here.

Just have to power through the rest of the sangria.

Give me, like, ten more minutes?

Great, yeah, um, I can be there in 15 minutes.

Wh-- aren't you in the parking lot?

Oh, no.

I am at the car wash.

Why?

Well, because, uh,

your backseat is an entire ecosystem.

[laughs] But, yeah. No.

I will be there as fast as I can.

[car horn honks]

Outta the way, lady!

-Emily? -Patel?

-Hi. -Hi.

What are you doing here, so far from your own house?

Two dollar Tuesdays.

Cheapest wash in the greater metro area.

[baby crying] -Everyone comes here.

Baby's in the back, and he can only sleep

when he's going through the car wash.

Again and again.

Right. Yeah.

I... I-I guess you're probably

also wondering what I'm doing here at this...

car wash all dressed up.

Um, so I'll tell you, and the-- what the thing is, is--

Patel?

Outta the way, lady.

Emily?

Hi.

What are you doing here?

[game noises]

Go, girl. Go.

Hey. There you are.

I've been worried sick.

You haven't been answering my calls.

Wait, what? Why does your office have a sex swing?

Oh, no. It's for dogs.

Not to, like, have se-- but...

Um, it's good for my back pain.

Oh, man. It's gotten worse, hasn't it?

No, it's good. I'm-I'm working.

I'm-I'm doing paperwork and stuff.

Well, leave that 'til tomorrow.

Let me take you home, run you a little bath.

Put on one of those reality shows you like,

where everyone's rich, but everyone's also classless.

That's so sweet, but I don't need your help, I'm good.

This swing is all the support I... my back needs.

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

There's just something about leaving you dangling here

that seems very uncool.

Well, how about this?

When I get back on my feet, I'll call you.

- Okay. - Okay.

Yeah, that sounds good.

-Hang in there. -Yeah.

And... hang on there.

Oh, man.

-[Shred] All right. -[Daisy laughs]

Thank you, sir.

You know what?

The person who stood you up tonight

doesn't know what they're missing.

You are gonna be a great catch when you grow up.

I think I'm, like, four years younger than you.

Oh, no. Don't make me do math.

I'm sangria stupid right now.

Yeah, I had to stop you from tipping $1,200.

[both laugh]

Oh, thank you so much for filling in for my kid tonight.

You know, you kinda remind me of him.

Except you're shorter.

And whiter.

Ooh, you know how people have work husbands?

You gon' be my work son.

I feel like in high school, you would've been a senior

when I was a freshman.

Don't talk back to me.

Have a good night. I'll see you tomorrow, kiddo.

Yes, ma'am.

[Daisy] It's cold out. Put a coat on!

Hey. Daisy's gone.

Come back so we can start our date.

[Emily] It's too late now.

I had a run-in with Patel and now I'm

currently babysitting 2/6 of his family.

So...

Okay, so what do we do?

Oh, I don't know, maybe

go back in time and not let Daisy steal our first date?

Are you mad at me?

No.

I mean... a little.

Why? I was just being nice.

Yeah, yeah, I know,

Maybe you were just being, like, a little too nice.

Okay, well, to be fair, we'd be on the date right now,

but you had to go and clean my car?

Okay, it sounds like now you're mad at me.

Don't you think it's a little weird?

I think it's weird to pick me up for a first date in a car

that has three half-eaten soft pretzels in the backseat.

-But... -I get full too fast!

And I think it's a little

weird that you're always cleaning stuff.

It's, like, a little obsessive.

Obsessive?

Well, I'm so sorry that I wanted tonight to be perfect.

[gasps]

Maya. It's your turn.

Ah... stop, stop.

Okay, I gotta go.

Hey, thanks for a great first date.

What, is that sarcastic?

I can't tell when you're whispering.

-I gotta go. -You still have my car!

Oh, you're still in that thing.

Another mystery solved by Detective Frank Shaw.

I've actually been here all night.

Parker wanted to, like, help take me home and stuff,

but I don't know, that just felt weird.

Yeah, you're just hanging out.

Ooh, that was close to a pun.

Oh, God. What if we're not just hanging out?

I'm sorry, do you need me to continue

to fake interest in this? -No, we're good.

We're really good. Um, how's the investigation going?

I quit. Should've never helped him at all.

His career's on the line.

He's old, he doesn't have other career options.

You can relate, right?

Even if I wanted to help that boomer,

which, as a millennial, doesn't feel right.

Only person that even claimed to have seen the dog

was a five-year-old who was rattling on about dragons.

Ugh. I hate kids.

Doggie eat dragon.

-Wait here. -Oh, uh, yeah.

I don't have a choice.

We found a saliva-covered bell on the sidewalk...

I wonder...

It's a match.

Wait. What's happening?

I placed the dog at the scene.

-Oh. -Damn it.

Guess I'm back in.

Do you need a ride?

I don't need help. I'm good.

Stoic, emotionally closed off.

Don't ever change.

[sighs]

We're off.

We're off to the races.

And there we go.

Victoria, are you okay?

Is that birdseed in your hair?

Um, yeah. Midnight snack.

Did you sleep here last night?

I couldn't leave, Parker wanted to take care of me.

It was feeling like a in sickness

and in health type situation.

-Okay... -I would love some bread.

Let's not use the mop to do that, let's just...

-I'll get it for you. -Yeah.

You know, I...

I don't think he was trying to act like you're married.

I think he probably just cares about you.

Yeah, well, it's a slippery slope.

Like my dining room table.

Okay, I know you're in debilitating pain right now,

but I'm just gonna say it.

You're acting really weird about this.

Oh, my God, you're right.

It's okay, you just...

freaked out a little and you made it into a bigger deal

than it actually is.

I do that all the time. [chuckles]

It is kinda your move, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it kind of is.

Emily.

Okay.

Is there a bird up there?

There is not not a bird.

♪

All right, let's get started.

Officer Dudge. Are you ready to begin?

[clears throat] Actually, no.

My counsel saw fit to abandon me,

so I'd like a stay of execution.

Please?

No need.

[murmuring]

If it pleases the court, my name is Frank Shaw.

I'm a millennial,

and I'm here to represent Officer Dudge.

This case is based on a set of facts

that are indisputable.

Fact number one.

One week ago, Marlena Enriquez reported her pet Yorkie missing

on a neighborhood app

typically used to sell deteriorating wicker furniture.

Oh yeah, you can actually get some great deals on there.

Fact number two.

Four days later, Officer Dudge received a call

alerting him to a loose Yorkie

in the Madison Valley neighborhood.

Dispatch to Truck 4.

We have a loose dog in the Madison Valley neighborhood.

[Templeton] On my way!

Favorite strip club is over there.

Fact number three.

A very reliable eyewitness confirmed

the dog was seen gnawing on a chew toy

of this exact design.

Doggie ate dragon.

Now, while this specific unit was sourced at the precinct,

this bell...

found at the scene

is an exact match, down to serial number and pitch.

[bell jingles]

I know what you're thinking.

What a breakthrough. Incredible detective work.

Amazing hairline.

But the question remains.

Was Templeton being reasonable in assuming

a man could effectively conceal a dog in his pants?

And to that question, I give you fact number four.

Shred!

Oh.

[crowd gasps]

[dog barks]

The defense rests.

[applause]

Give us a moment to confer.

All right. Templeton Dudge.

You are cleared of all wrongdoing.

[Templeton laughs] [crowd cheers]

A deal's a deal, Frank.

I'm gonna whip those votes for you.

I'm gonna whip 'em 'til they're beggin' for more.

Why is everything always so sexual with you?

Ah... I thought we could use a do-over.

I mean, if you still want to.

Yeah. Of course.

Are you kidding?

-Really? -Look at this.

And I... I-I did zero sweeping or tidying of the shelves.

I'm so sorry I'm such a neat freak.

I... I should've left your car alone.

No, my car was filthy, and...

I'm sorry I spent our night with Daisy.

No, you were just being nice.

It was so sweet and I-I totally overreacted.

I don't know. I wanted it to be special.

Well, we did have our first official fight, so that's...

kinda something.

Aww, it's true. We did.

Maybe the first of many.

I don't know about many.

Yeah, that's a weird thing to say.

[Emily chuckles]

-[sighs] -[Parker] Hey!

I've been getting your texts on my phone.

Thank you for coming to get me.

Fair warning... I smell.

You could never smell to me.

Whoa, yeah, I'm getting a little bit now.

I know that I've been a bit of a weirdo

about not letting you help me.

I get it, we've only been hanging out for a little bit.

I just hate to see you in pain like this.

That's really lovely.

I think I need to go now.

Allow me.

Clear a path, everybody!

I have a strong, independent lady

who needs a man to take her home.

Come here.

Ooh, you're so strong.

[applause] -Thank you very much.

Hey! Aww, it's too much.

You guys, please.

I don't like to bow.

O-okay, I will bow. Here you go.

It's not for you, buddy.

Ah, it's too late. Already bowing.

Well, they wanted to get me, and they did.

The Commission censured me for pocketing adoption fees,

which I didn't do, of course, but doesn't matter.

They're sending me to the probation room.

Oh, honey, you gotta stay strong right now.

-I'm not built for hard time, D. -I know.

Don't even think about touching my desk.

Wouldn't dream of it.

[Frank sighs]

Hello, old friend.

Hey, you got the stain out!

Oh, and by the way,

thank you for cooking the adoption books.

Frank, seriously?! I said no interns.

It's cool. Just go wait in the car.

I'll text you my lunch order.