Original subtitles

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

(groans)

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashing)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

(sizzling)

Behold "The Fattyator",

the hot new innovation,

in healthy home grilling.

(coughing)

Mm, mm, mm.

It makes succulent meats and eliminates excess fat.

Just turn the patented fat tap and watch the fat...

(sizzling)

Aah!

And who better to endorse losing pounds

than the best pound for pound boxer in the world,

Roy Jones Jr.?

Ma, you gotta get out of that neighborhood

I can't hear you,

the gunshots are drowning you out.

Look, I built a new giant home.

Live with me, Ma, please!

(mother continues, indistinct)

Your mother is well, I trust?

Yeah, just trying to get her out of our old hood,

but she doesn't want to leave her house.

Oh, my mom wouldn't leave her house either.

My father's second wife finally had to evict her.

Roy, George Foreman's company sold for millions.

You should endorse The Fattyator.

I can't think about no Fattyator right now

with my mom living in a gang land.

What if we got her to move?

What?

What if we got her to move in with you?

You do that,

and I'll be your Fattyator gladiator.

Why the hell did you say we would talk to Roy's mama?

Arliss wants the Fattyator deal.

No, Arliss doesn't want Allen Iverson

to get the Fattyator deal,

because Allen left Arliss for Mike Armstrong.

Arliss is a vengeful god.

I hate this stupid fuckin' Fattyator.

I like fat!

(sirens)

Evening Officer, was I speeding?

Sir, step out of the vehicle, please.

- I'm sorry? - Step out of the car, sir.

Officer, is there a...

Is there a problem?

What were you doing in this neighborhood?

What the hell kind of question was that?

Sir, you want to open your trunk?

No, no, I do not.

Not until you tell me why the hell you pulled me over.

Sir, you really should cooperate.

No, I think you really should read the fucking constitution.

Oh!

Ned, this proposal you drafted for the basic agreement

has as much chance of getting past the Players' Association

as you do of winning the Masters.

It's a fair proposal.

It'll maintain a competitive balance

between big market and small market teams,

while sustaining the integrity of the game,

by instituting a luxury tax.

This is the Players' Association you're dickin' with.

You can't steamroll them like you did the umpires.

Arliss, that's enough.

Do not bring this up at Sarah's coming out party tonight.

Gee, I can't believe Sarah's 16.

That's because she's 18.

Teenage girls just aren't the same as they were when we were young.

I got to run, see you tonight.

Wear a clean shirt.

Kekee, this has been in my family a long time,

are you sure you can clean it?

Castro once gave me his medals to clean

and I dumped them in shit.

But for you, I make nice and shiny.

Thank you. Hey!

Feast your eyes on the next cover of "S.I."

Oh, congratulations, how'd you get this shot?

I snuck up on the catwalk.

Security kicked me out, after I got the shot.

- Nice. - Rita, my tux come back from the cleaners?

Rita: Yeah, it's right over there.

Oh, Arliss, this is my friend, Penny Larson.

Have we met?

De La Hoya/Trinidad, I was trying to get a shot,

and you kicked me in the ass.

I paid a thousand dollars for that seat.

A thousand dollars, you should've kicked harder.

Penny just got the cover of "S.I."

Really, the cover?

Ever consider shooting the inner sanctum

of a powerful sports agent?

Oh, Arliss, she's not interested.

I'd love to!

(whispers) She'd love to.

It was a total violation of my civil rights!

What did you expect? It's Bel Air.

To drive down a public thoroughfare,

and not be harassed.

Why don't they arrest Roy Jones?!

Because they know Roy, they don't know you!

- What happened? - Stanley got arrested last night.

Not arrested, profiled.

I had the temerity to be black in Bel Air,

well, I'm not gonna sit still for this.

- Well, you're gonna sit still for class. - What class?

Oh, the cops agreed to drop the charges

if Stanley attends an anger management class.

Why the fuck do I need an anger management class?

What the hell is going on out here?

Stanley has an anger problem.

I do not have an anger problem!

Well, I'm gonna have an anger problem

- if you didn't close the Fattyator deal. - We're...

We're working on it!

No, I'm working on it, because Stanley has to attend

"Pissed off 101"!

Rita, you're, uh, friend's pretty cool.

Oh, no, Arliss, you're not her type.

Ready? Shoot starts in 20 minutes.

Okay, Rita, I'll be out of the office

the rest of the day.

Can I help you with these?

Ah, no, $20,000 worth of lenses,

I'll carry them.

As you wish, after you.

You were blocking my view.

Hmph.

You're all here

because you have one thing in common.

You are all emotional people.

Emotions are a good thing.

Uncontrolled rage is not.

We are here today to explore the difference.

Please rise.

This exercise helps release tension.

It begins with...

Fuck you!

There we go.

Penny: It's sad, from $200,000 a year

to two jobs at minimum wage.

The Umpires' Union really blew it

with those mass resignations, huh?

First rule in negotiating, never bluff,

unless you can live with the consequences.

Baseball took back some of the umps,

why not Greg?

He was one of the outspoken ones.

Besides, if they had your paper wouldn't

have given you this assignment.

Arliss Michaels?

Hey, Greg.

What are you doing here?

Friend of the photographer.

You got good taste.

I'm not sure about yours though.

So, "USA Today" doing a piece on you,

think it'll maybe help you get the job back.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things

I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can

and wisdom to know the difference.

Your idiotic union head should've had the wisdom

not to make an idiotic threat.

Our strike would've settled in one day,

if the players had backed us up

and not crossed the picket line.

You didn't really expect the players to do that, did you?

Why not, they're union just like us,

I thought unions protected unions.

You know, we're fighting the same...

(kids chattering)

Excuse me. It's my son.

Oh, well, let's get a picture of the two of you.

Sure.

So, he's a man of principal.

Hey. How's it going?

Maybe another time.

Thank you.

Come on, guys.

So, Mr. Big Shot Agent, let me check my schedule,

oh, you know, I'm free tonight.

What are we gonna do?

(indistinct chatting)

This is nice.

I'm usually trying to set up shots at these affairs.

I'm usually trying to stay out of the line of fire.

(laughs) Oh.

- Thank you. - Oh, are you having one also?

(both laugh)

I've got to run to the bathroom and fix that.

Oh, c'mon, it's nothing, you can hardly see it.

I will, I'll be back.

Ned! Good to see you.

Thanks for coming, Arliss.

You remember my wife, Blythe.

Of course, how is the prettiest flower in the garden?

Uh!

Arliss, you're always so full of shit

and I love you for it.

Hey, Ned, um...

I ran into Greg Harvey today.

Oh, yeah, what was he doing,

unionizing Little League?

You know, Greg was a pretty good umpire.

Greg was a loud mouth pain in the ass.

The players respect him, maybe we should think about

- getting him his job back... - Wait, wait, wait.

Wasn't it you who once philosophized,

"Fuck the umpires, who pays to see them?"

Now, shut up about it.

I want to savor the way my wife

is pissing away my money.

(scoffs)

Oh, much better.

Oh, Blythe, Ned, this is Penny Larson.

Penny, that's a lovely dress.

Valentino?

Yes, it's part of his watermark collection.

You look familiar, have we met?

Yeah, the all-star game in Seattle.

You chased me off the field,

while I was trying to get a shot.

A-ha.

Oh, Penny's a photographer.

She's got the cover of "Sports Illustrated" this week.

Speaking of photographers,

what the hell's going on with ours?

Excuse me.

I'm sure there's probably somebody here

you haven't pissed off yet.

Oh, probably, but the night is young.

(chattering)

What is...

I caught him red-handed.

You been drinkin', haven't you?

How many drinks have you had?!

What's goin' on?

They caught this drunken sonuvabitch

- trying to take pictures up in the girls' dressing room. - (gasping)

Get him the hell out of here! Get him out!

Wait, wait, it's Sarah's coming out party.

Yeah, it's Sarah coming out party.

I want pictures, damnit!

Arliss, I think we have a shot to set up.

Hey, that's, that's mine.

- We'll mail it to you, get him out! - God.

C'mon, let's go.

Where are you goin'?

♪ ♪

Thanks, Dad.

♪ No matter where I go these days ♪

(camera clicking)

♪ No matter who I see ♪

Can I have that other lens?

Um, couldn't you get this shot from down there?

Not this shot, look,

dancing with his daughter as seen by the stars.

Where are you goin'?

Well, c'mon.

That does not look safe.

Whoa, whoa, you're caught. You're caught, you're caught on something over here.

(tearing)

Don't tell Valentino.

Uh, this is a great angle.

Oh, shit, I missed the moment.

Too bad. It really is a great angle.

♪ Shining brightly ♪

You know, Arliss Michaels, with this moon and this music,

if I wasn't working right now, I could probably kiss you.

Well, you're not working, technically speaking.

Technically speaking, I guess not.

And you wouldn't want to miss the moment again.

Perish the thought.

♪ No wonder I'm in love with you ♪

Mmm, might've missed it, maybe we should try again?

♪ To be the one that you want to please ♪

♪ And boy, I've got it bad ♪

Here you go, nice and shiny.

Kekee, it's beautiful, what do I owe you?

Dodger tickets, Thursday, two?

Arliss, are you going to the game on Thursday?

Arliss (on intercom): No, but Alonzo Mourning was asking about...

- They're yours. - Hey, play ball!

Is Stanley back from...

(screaming)

What the fuck?

He's been doing that all day.

(screaming)

What the hell is going on?!

Primal scream, it's a calming exercise.

Calming for who? Not anyone within earshot.

Watch, inhale, exhale.

Inhale.

Ahh...!

See how serene I am? You should try it.

Inhale, exhale, inhale...

C'mon, I wasn't the black man driving in Bel Air.

Hey! I was exercising my rights!

In Bel Air at midnight,

exercising your right to be stupid!

Ahh...!

(cell phone ringing)

Kirby Carlisle.

Kirby, have you talked to Mom yet?

I'm out the door as we speak.

My mom should be living with me.

And when she does, then you'll endorse the Fattyator, right?

Just take care of the business like I asked, okay?

Fattyator update?

Okay, inhale, exhale.

- So, how'd it go? - How'd what go?

Yesterday with Penny.

Oh, fine, nice girl.

What'd I tell you, she didn't go for it, huh?

Oh, by the way, um...

Hello.

Greg Harvey is here.

Sorry to drop in like this,

but I wanted to thank you for last night.

Last night?

Buddy of mine worked security at that party

overheard you sticking up for me.

Yeah, well, um...

Greg, I wouldn't get my hopes up too high.

Yeah, well, anyway, I appreciate the effort.

Sure.

And I...

I thought you might like to have this.

I wore this when I called Ryan's sixth no-hitter.

Greg, I don't think...

Take it.

I don't have much use for it anymore.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Hey, Greg, um...

That son of yours.

Is he a Sammy Sosa fan?

Shit, what do you think?

I think maybe he'd like to have an autographed bat.

Where the hell's my Sammy?

How about a Manny Ramirez?

Hey.

Thanks.

And thanks.

(door opens)

Arliss (on intercom): Rita, has anyone been moving around my Sammy Sosa?

Not that I know of.

- Hi. - Hey!

Is he in?

Yeah. Why?

Did he come on to you?

On to me, into me, all night long.

- What?! - Rita, I have been with men, but your boss...

I-I-I don't need to hear this.

For hours, he's like an 18-year-old.

It's the first time I haven't faked an orgasm,

since the World Cup.

Ho, and let me tell you, he is hung like War Emblem.

Ugh, ugh, would you excuse me?

Oh God, ugh, watch out!

Arliss Michaels for Ned Balfour.

Yeah, I'll hold.

(knocking)

C'mon in, c'mon, c'mon.

You busy, or should I say tired?

Ah, a bit.

I came to say thank you for last night.

What, and not this morning?

This is for this morning.

(box rattling)

Wow.

- Gold? - Mm, I figure if the sex didn't get me a second date

That definitely would.

You didn't have to...

- Ned: Arliss! - Ned, one second.

I got to take this, tonight?

See you then.

B'bye.

So, Ned...

I got a "Sports Illustrated" photographer

to pinch hit for you, it's pay back time.

A quid pro quo, huh? What do you want?

I want you to give Greg Harvey his job back.

Not a chance in hell.

Listen, Ned...

Greg made his bed, now he can have a coma in it.

Do this as a personal favor.

By the way, you didn't happen to see a gold cigarette lighter

lying around last night, did you?

A what?

A gold cigarette lighter, belongs to my sister-in-law.

Airhead thinks she left it in the ladies room.

We couldn't find it.

Um...

Ah, somebody must've pinched it, probably the kids.

I got to run.

(sets receiver down)

Rita, how well do you know Penny?

Oh, please, spare me,

she already gave me all the lurid details.

Uh-huh, did she mention the detail

about lifting a cigarette lighter?

What are you talking about?

She just gave me this as a gift.

- It was stolen from Ned Balfour's party. - (gargling)

I think she may have stolen my Sammy Sosa bat, too.

That is the shittiest thing I've ever heard.

Shame on you!

If you don't want to see her again, just say so.

Calling her a thief.

Yeah, well, maybe you're right.

It's probably just a coincidence.

There's more than one gold lighter, you know.

Plus, what the hell would she want with your bat?

Really.

What's the matter with me, I'm sorry.

Please accept my apologies.

You know, Kekee could clean this up for you.

He did a really great job on my broach.

(objects rattling)

Hey, no, wait, wait, wait.

Where's my broach?

Okay, Kekee came in and then he left,

and then you came in and then you left,

then Penny came in and she told me about...

Ugh.

And then I went to the ladies room.

And where was Penny when you, ugh...

That bitch!

Arliss, she stole my broach.

Fuck your broach, she's got my Sammy Sosa.

- What are we gonna do? - What are we gonna do?

Maybe we should call the cops?

Nah, nah, nah, I hate to call the cops

on someone I just slept with.

Well, then, War Emblem, you better think of something.

"War Emblem"?

Woman: I've lived in this neighborhood my whole life.

Now just because my rich son's movin' on up,

does not mean that I want to.

- (sirens and gunshots) - He's concerned about you.

He wants you to have a better life.

What do I need with a big fancy house?

Besides my friends are here.

This house has memories for me.

That spot over there,

is where little Roy kicked his very first ass.

His neighborhood is just slightly safer.

Now, that's a bum rap.

There hasn't been a crime on this block,

since, I don't know when.

I do. Goddammit!

Goddamn little shit!

(siren wailing)

Why are they... Jesus Christ.

Why are they stopping me, they're getting away!

Hey, you guys, oh, man, why are you stoppin' me?

- They're gettin' away. - Sir, what are you doing in this neighborhood?

- I'm here on business. - Drug business?

- What?! - Sir, step out of the car, please.

- Inhale. - Step out of the car, sir.

Exhale.

Don't make me ask you again.

Step out of the car.

- Ahh...! - (guns click)

(moaning)

Oh, yummy.

I want you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

How about the bedroom tonight?

Oh, I just love a horny traditionalist.

- C'mon. - (chuckling)

Here I come.

(Arliss moaning)

Arliss: Yes, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, don't stop, don't stop.

Keep going, keep going, oh, yeah, that's good.

That's good, that's good.

Oh, yeah, keep moving.

Go, go, go, oh, yeah, right there.

Right there, right there. Right there, oh, that's the spot.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

(moaning)

Move!

(moaning) Go! Go!

Don't stop.

Holy shit.

There's my broach.

Ahh!

(clattering)

Someone's in the house.

I didn't hear anything.

C'mon.

My Sammy.

Help me!

Someone get me out of here!

Oh, you sonuvabitch.

No, no, no, no!

Rita!

What are you doing here?

What are you doing with my...

My broach!

Ah, is that your broach?

Yes, it is and this is my bat.

And you stole this lighter too!

What gives, Penny?

Are you selling this stuff on Ebay?

No, I don't sell it, I just...

Collect it.

I have issues.

I don't mean to take stuff, I just can't help myself.

Don't help yourself to my stuff.

My God, it looks like Nordstrom's in here.

Well, if you see anything you like, feel free.

There's a cute Dolce jacket in your closet.

That's mine.

Penny, Penny.

Pictures from last night, huh?

Pretty good.

Oh, my God.

Those are the photos the other photographer took.

Look at this.

Ow!

Why would a young girl do that with an old fart?

Is that Ned Balfour's daughter?

No, it's one of her friends.

But the old fart sure looks familiar.

(chuckles)

Play ball!

It's good to see your dad back where he belongs.

He's a good man, fine man, hell of an umpire. Good man.

Sonuvabitch.

Blythe, I have your photos.

Ooh, wonderful.

And these are for you with Arliss' compliments.

Give him my best.

Why when I can give him mine?

Look. Oh, look.

They're beautiful.

She looks great.

Did you take those...

What?

Binoculars?

What, I gave them to you.

Maybe they fell over here...

I'm glad you're finally doing this.

My boy back in my home.

But remember, Mom, it's only temporary, okay?

Temporary.

(gunshots and sirens)

Listen!

The next person to bust a cap around here,

I'm busting your ass, alright?!

(silence)

Thank you!

Roy, what ever happened to that Fattyator deal

they wanted you for?

(all screaming)

How do you like being profiled?!

Fuck you! Your anger management exercises have put me

into anger management class!

(both screaming)

Slow down, slow down, now, one of the keys

to controlling anger is eating healthy,

So, I would like to introduce you guys today

to the Allen Iverson Fattyator.

(both screaming)

(cheering)

(blows landing)

He's safe!

So, did everything work out?

Yeah, Greg's got his job, you got your broach,

I got my bat.

Are you gonna still see Penny?

Yeah, just not at my house.

In fact, check out the watch she sent me.

Arliss, you can't wear that.

Why not? It fits.

It's probably stolen!

So, I suppose you don't want the one she sent you.

Oh, yes, I do.

- No, no, no, you'll feel terrible. - No, I feel fine!

It's okay, I can live with it.

I want it!

Please, give it to me, give it to me!

My...!

Name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪