Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Touché.

Bob, the clock is ticking.

Mail, my liege.

Look, Opening Day is Friday.

Shawn loved the Dodgers,

but he won't negotiate once the season starts,

so you better make this deal happen now!

Fortunately, I have a way to help facilitate matters

that won't cost you a dime.

Mmmm! Touché.

I guarantee you this is the way to make the deal work.

Oh, trust me, trust me.

Shawn'll be happy, you'll be happy,

and I'll be verrrry happy.

So, we agreed?

- All right. - Great.

Ha haaaa...

(quietly) Opening Day!

Ha-ha!

Double, double, double, double.

Rita, clear my schedule all day...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, D'Artagnan, you almost took my head off.

(whispers) Sorry, sorry.

Okay, who's the guy?

What guy?

The guy you got the hots for in fencing class.

You've been there every day this week.

Fagin didn't fence that much.

There is no guy.

Janet Kramer and I like fencing

because it's fun, and it's a great workout.

And you go to meet guys.

Anyway, clear my schedule Friday.

I have to be at the ballpark early.

You're always at the ballpark early.

Ah, but this Friday's Opening Day!

Smiling faces, blue skies, all's right with the world

And guess who's throwin' out the first pitch?

They're letting an agent throw out the first pitch?

You're the ones responsible for throwing out the fans.

Hey, they realize that, well, I deserve this honor.

And you piggybacked it onto Shawn Green's deal.

I simply suggested that if I were to become

the first agent to throw out the first pitch,

Well, Shawn's deal might go a little easier.

Uh-huh.

You piggybacked it.

Ah... imagine it if you will.

50,000 fans staring as I toe the rubber.

And go into my windup, the high leg kick,

And I hurl a strike to open the new season!

The crowd roars!

Ahhhhhhhh!

I wave!

I'm off.

Hey, my glove's dry, pick up some neatsfoot oil.

Where the hell is Kirby?

(horn honking)

Hey!

You wanna make 20 bucks?

Man's voice on radio: In Los Angeles, we have a Sig Alert traveling...

You can jump out any time I get off the freeway.

Sig Alert on the 110,

traffic backed up past Rosecrans.

I'm going to Wilshire and Canon.

Exit Cattaraugus, you make right on Robertson,

right on Wilshire, left on Canon.

I usually use the La Cienega exit.

Cattaraugus is quicker.

That's good to know.

My name's Kirby, what's yours?

I'm Max.

I like fireballs.

Oh.

Stanley: Mm-hm, I know what you're up to, DripDry.

Well, let's just give your queen a little headache, shall we?

(chuckles) What... what? Checkmate?

You drooling moron, take up checkers!

Just you wait, DripDry, whoever you really are.

Your time is coming.

What will the folks back home say

about "Igor Zbornsky's Grandmaster Challenge"?

Play chess with the grandmaster himself.

Everybody want piece of Igor.

And my boys are gonna make sure

that everybody gets a piece of Igor.

Mrs. Renault promises that the chess engine in your CD-ROM

will be the most advanced on the market.

Of course! It's mine!

So, we have a deal?

We have a deal.

Da.

(laughs)

Ah, gotta loosen up the old glove.

(laughs)

Have I mentioned I'm throwing out the first pitch Opening Day?

Yeah, three times.

Igor, Igor.

Uh... might I, uh, trouble you for a three-minute favor?

Igor: Smart guy, huh?

How many moves?

Ten, eight? (laughs)

Ooh... goodbye.

Da -ah... (laughs)

Da da.

Da, da, da.

What give?

It's bullcrap.

(speaking in Russian)

Da.

(speaks Russian)

Igor: Nice try, Igor... 20 years and still can't beat me.

Salmon?

Salmon!

(speaking Russian)

Salmon?

I haven't decided whether to throw a two-seamer

or a four-seamer.

What about an inseamer?

- Ho! - (all laughing)

How dare you!

How dare you set me up!

What?

No more CD-ROM, CD-ROM broke!

You fuck-shit me, I fuck-shit you!

Oh, Jesus!

I go back to Bel Air.

(speaks Russian)

Get him.

Hey, Igor?

I love to watch him walk away.

Hey... God...

He really...

What the hell just happened?

Zbornsky stormed out of here.

Jesus, I think he broke my toe.

Stanley, did you hear me?

We lost Zbornsky!

Yeah, we lost Zbornsky.

But we found Salmon.

What?

I found Bobby Salmon online.

DripDry, that's him!

Bobby Salmon? You sure?

That's him.

Fence!

Red gloves is staring at me.

Uh-uh, no, wrong kinda butt.

Guys with a bubble butt you can't trust.

I had a bubble butt guy once. Married scumbag liar.

Yeah, but how was the sex?

Great, but he was a married scumbag liar.

Yeah, but how was the sex?

Hold!

Next bout.

I'm gonna duel with him.

Oh, uh-uh, I think my friend wants to...

En garde.

Ready?

Fence.

Hold! Off target.

But nicely executed.

Something about you is... is familiar.

Hi, Rita.

Steve Chin.

You married scumbag liar.

A... A friend told me he saw you here.

All I've been able to do is think about you.

Why don't you think of your wife?

My wife is no longer my wife, I'm divorced.

Oh, and I'm Jackie Chan.

Rita!

You found Bobby Salmon?

You heard me, Bobby Salmon, the wunderkind of chess.

Grandmaster at age 16.

His CD-ROM will sell 10 times what Zbornsky's will.

Salmon fell off the face of the earth 20 years ago.

How did you find him?

Well, we haven't actually found him just yet, but...

Ach!

All right, you bring this Salmon by Friday and you got a deal.

Otherwise, we're going back to Zbornsky without you.

Okay, wear this boot for three weeks,

and stay off your feet as much as possible.

Stay off my feet?

I'm tossin' out the Opening Day first pitch.

I'm sorry, but there's no way you can pitch.

I'm sorry, there's no way in hell you're gonna stop me.

So, Mike Bibby.

You dribbling through the internet's defense?

I'm using a search bot to cross reference

the chess sites Salmon hits.

Which gives us access to his server.

Which shows us he lives in...

(beep)

bingo, Altadena.

(grunts) Terrific.

Guy hits a lot of web sites about the CIA, FBI,

ATF, cashews, and Martinizing.

Martinizing?

As in dry cleaning?

Okay.

Government agencies, cashews, Martinizing.

Stanley, you got plenty of clues to go on.

Have him signed by Friday.

Friday? He's a paranoid recluse, you want him signed by Friday?

You blew the deal, now you must atone!

Hey, here's the address.

Stanley: 4602 Mariposa Street.

Huh!

405 north to the 101, to the 134, to the 210 south.

Yeah, exit Orange Grove Boulevard, make right on Fair Oaks,

left on Mariposa.

Hey, Max, c'mon, back to the office.

Sorry, he, uh, took a detour on the way to the men's room.

Uh-huh. Kirby?

What's with "Rain Man"?

His name is Max.

I picked him up so I could drive in the carpool lane.

What happened to your blowup doll?

She blew up.

Listen, he saves me an hour on my commute.

Don't worry, I'll keep him busy around the office.

On my dime.

Okay, have him oil my glove.

I'm going to pitching practice.

We should do this out on the balcony.

Arliss would shit if we got oil on the rug.

I shit after I take oil at night.

(laughs) Right.

All right, so, what you wanna do,

you take just a little bit of oil, right?

You put it there on the glove, a teeny little bit, right?

Okay? And you just... rub it in.

That's it, all right?

Try it.

Like this?

Perfect.

Stalled vehicle in the number two lane by South Bay curve.

There are brake lights past Carson Boulevard.

You really like traffic, don't you?

My daddy delivered bread.

I rode with him.

That's before he died.

Oh, so that's how you learned the streets.

You still live with your family?

I live in a room. In a house.

The state pays for it.

You got friends there?

You're my friend.

Look, you're doin' great.

I'll be back in a few, okay?

Keep it up.

I'm gonna do your glove next, Kirby!

♪♪

♪♪

(doorbell)

Who sent you?

Triple cheese with figs, right?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're not the regular guy.

Oh, no, he got fired.

Why?

Ahh?

Wouldn't fall in line, huh?

Be a happy little ant, huh?

Marching to the corporate drum, huh?

Why?

He took more than 30 minutes to deliver, sir.

All right. Open it up.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Your uniform...

has it been dry cleaned?

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Oh, oh, God.

You're being poisoned by the government.

Right now.

(laughs) You thought you could get your little Martinized zombie

past me, huh?

I know you're listening.

All right? You wanna hear somethin'?

Here, here.

(blows whistle)

You are nuts!

Nuts?

What kinda nuts?

Cashews, huh?

You may have gotten mother, but you're not gonna get me!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh!

Arliss, how the hell you gonna

throw out the first pitch wearing that boot?

Well, that's why I came to Barry Zito for pointers.

Okay, well, first thing you wanna do is get some protein in you.

Eat protein, huh?

Yeah, it's important for gettin' energy,

so you don't bounce the damn ball

like a Democratic president.

Good idea. Okay, now,

should I throw a fast ball, a splitter,

or just break one off?

If you wanna do something really cool,

you can throw a knuckle ball.

A knuckler, huh?

Yeah, not only will the crowd freak out,

you'll drive your catcher apeshit.

Yeah, yeah, the knuckler.

Good idea, show me how to throw it.

Yeah, you wanna hold it kinda like this...

and watch that it doesn't rotate.

Oh, shit, man!

(romantic music playing)

Oh, for me?

Ohh!

(phone rings)

Arliss Michael" office.

Rita, do you believe me now?

Those divorce papers are signed, sealed, and delivered.

And torn up. Goodbye.

(music continues)

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Rita, you're the only one.

You've always been the only one.

That's what you said last time.

And the time before.

And I wasn't.

And I wasn't again. Goodbye.

(phone rings)

Arliss Mi...

Rita, please, just look out the window towards the east,

all right? Where the new day begins.

I'm busy.

(music continues)

(phone rings)

Rita, do you believe me now?

I challenge you. To a duel.

I name the prize.

What the...?

Stanley: that the government is poisoning the world

with Martinizing!

Martinizing, Martinizing, you're all Martinizing me,

but you won't get me, baby.

No, never!

You're Martinizing in there!

Well, you'll never Martinize me!

Never!

Ne...

Who sent you? Who sent you?

Stay away from me.

No, no, no, no.

You got CIA! CIA! CIA!

Written all over you.

No, no, no, no, stop, you're not reading me right.

Oh, bullshit.

Where's your wire?

No, no, no, no.

Where's the wire?

You're probably carrying cashews.

Cashews, no, shh, no.

(muffled yelling)

Don't say another word.

Come with me, come with me.

Right this way.

Hey, Max, I'm gonna need your help straightening some stuff.

How's it going with the glo...?

I got the glove real loose for you, Kirby.

Holy shit! It's a fucking oil spill, God!

Uh-oh, Sig Alert, Sig Alert, red tractor trailer overturned.

Sig Alert, Sig Alert!

Come on, we gotta get this cleaned up... whoa!

Nice catch.

All right, here, let's go, come on.

You gotta listen to what I'm saying.

The Martinizing machines leave perchloroethelyne

in our clothing.

People are absorbing government chemicals.

It's a conspiracy.

My mother was on to them, so, they took her out.

They got your mother?

Yeah... my mother was a saint.

She never harmed a soul.

She lived a just and prudent life.

But they found out her one weakness.

What weakness?

She liked to blow strangers.

Blow strangers?

Mother was allergic to cashews.

So they had an agent eat a toxic dose

before she blew him.

The coroner said that it... An allergic reaction

to... cashew-laden semen.

But I know they set her up.

You play chess.

Any good?

I'm the best that ever lived.

I think some of that perchloroethelyne must be getting to you.

Uh, Bobby Salmon was the best who ever lived.

I am Bobby Salmon.

Your move.

Oh, my God.

You really are Bobby Salmon, grandmaster!

Not anymore.

I quit when they took mother out.

Now I'm Bobby Salmon, insurgent.

Wait!

I know a way

that we can get your message out to millions.

All right, here, put the glove in this one.

Arliss: Kirby!

Kirby, where are you?

Okay, quick! Come on!

Let's finish later.

Let's go, get outta here!

Come on!

Come on, come on.

Kirby.

What?

How many grams of, uh, protein in a hard boiled egg?

What happened to you?

Oh, fuckin' knucklehead threw me a knuckleball.

You gonna be able to pitch?

Hell, yeah, nothing's gonna stop me from pitching.

Hey, I oiled your glove.

No, no, no, no, no, let me see that, let me see that.

Looks good, looks good.

(chuckles)

What the fuck!

Arliss, it was an accident.

Look at this. It won't dry out for a year.

You drowned my glove. You drowned my glove!

Uh-oh.

Arliss, it was my fault, okay?

When I squirted the oil on,

it just kinda jumped out like ketchup, you know...

Kir... Kirby, we gotta talk.

Arliss!

I got him!

I hooked the elusive Salmon.

What happened to your eye?

Forget my eye. He'll do the deal?

Yes, and he's comi" in here tomorrow.

Wait, no, no, no, tomorrow, I'm pitching tomorrow.

No, don't worry, he'll be in by noon, out by one.

Don't wear anything dry cleaned.

Just, uh... uh, go for the drip-dry look.

What the fuck is goin' on here?

I'm dealing with a bunch of fuckin' idiots!

And what, m'lady, is the prize?

I'll tell you later.

Uh-ah!

Both: Uh-ah!

After a little swordplay?

A little foreplay?

Ahh...

Your aim is off.

(cackling)

Just one quick kiss.

Our love was meant to be.

That remains to be seen.

I long to be with you.

To vanquish your foes.

Yes?

To be by your side in sickness and in health.

Really?

The only prize I desire

is your hand in marriage.

Marriage? As in... marriage?

Say you'll be mine. Marry me!

Your proposal strikes like a dagger through the heart.

You toy with me!

I toy not.

Say yes.

Promise me you'll never leave me.

I'll never leave you.

Say yes.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I'll marry you!

Rita Wu, let me seal this vow with a kiss.

I will love you...

foreveeeeeeer...!

Yes, yes, darling, forever!

Steve?

Steve?

Marco?

Okay, "Hire the Handicapped Week"'s over,

Get rid of "I Am Sam."

Arliss.

Forget the fact that he ruined my glove.

Forget the fact that he's implicated in a death.

Forget the fact that I'm gonna lose Rita while she grieves.

My insurance premiums are gonna go through the fuckin' roof!

Ahem!

Take him back to the pound.

(faint radio traffic report)

Uh... Max.

Man, God, you're doing a great job here...

uh, but, uh... we're...

we're kinda doin' some downsizing around here.

And, uh, things just... they're not

w... workin' out... here.

Can I fix it?

No, I... I think it would be better

if maybe we didn't... ride in together.

How you gonna get to work?

I... I... I'll just have to leave earlier, I guess.

Take surface streets after the Overland exit.

Then Santa Monica Boulevard.

- What time is Salmon coming? I gotta get to the ball game! - Shh! Shhh!

(knocking)

(whispers) This is the guy I told you about.

Arliss Michaels.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

(sniffing)

All right, c'mon.

All right. Here's the program.

It's light years ahead of any other chess game.

With each move, it flashes subliminal messages

about the evils of Martinizing.

Oh!

I'll make sure it gets into every store.

Every store.

Scorpio? Did you bring the papers?

Oh, yes.

So, Altadena, huh?

Oh, man, I ever tell you my Altadena story?

- No. - Best blow job I ever got, Altadena.

Arliss...

Perfect stranger.

A mere 10 minutes, a little chit-chat, and wham.

She's blowin' me like a Texas tornado.

Uh...

Man, could she suck cock!

Cashew?

Mooootherrrr!

Aaggh!

Stanley: Oh, Jesus Christ!

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby!

Please, ahh!

Argh!

You killed my mother!

Burn!

Burn!

Burn!

Male announcer: A picture perfect day at the ballpark.

First pitch less than 50 minutes away.

Oww!

Jesus, Arliss, if we hadn't pulled him off you,

you would've been flushed down the toilet.

Instead my chess deal got flushed down the toilet.

Your chess d... jeez...

Are you gonna press charges?

Hell, no, let that paranoid maniac

Go live in an Oliver Stone movie somewhere!

Hey, can you hurry this up, I gotta get to the ballpark.

Mr. Michaels, you've got first degree burns

and your shoulder was separated.

My pitching arm's fine, I'm throwing today!

- What? - Arliss, don't be ridiculous.

Look at yourself. They'll reschedule you.

Are they gonna reschedule Opening Day?

I think not, come on, let's go.

Eeeeeeee...

Arliss, look.

Female announcer: If you're heading to the stadium,

expect over an hour traffic delay.

Ahh! There's no way I'm gonna make it to the game in time!

Oh, there might be a way.

How, how?

Alvarado to Sunset, left on Elysian Fields.

In addition, he gets full health benefits

and three weeks vacation a year.

Fine, fine, just get me there, get me there!

And a company car.

A company car?

Yeah, a company car.

Fine, fine, just move, move!

Male announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

to throw out the Opening Day first pitch,

please welcome

sports super agent

Arliss Michaels.

American baseball like Communist Party,

slow and stupid.

Crowd: (chanting) Ar-liss, Ar-liss, Ar-liss...

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Oh, Steve.

Steve, you look so peaceful.

I'll never love anyone again, never.

(both crying)

Were you two close?

Very.

He was my fiancee.

Your what?

Fiancee.

We were going to be married in Corsica next month.

(sobbing)

You engaged scumbag liar!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!

I knew it! I knew it!

I'll see you in hell!

(theme music playing)