Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Uh-huh.

Ha-ha-ha-huh. I got it.

All 200 acres.

Great, close this deal fast.

No no no, faster than that.

Send the papers over n... owww!

Jeez, what was your last job, slicing beef?

Ahh... very very funny, Arliss.

All right, you are officially flu free for another year.

Okay, I've cleared everyone's schedule for tomorrow's meeting.

What meeting?

My Enhance presentation.

Enhance, this isn't another one of your

cleanse your karma, clean your body things, is it?

It's a revolutionary new product.

You'll want our clients endorsing it.

How...! Revolutionary?

I'll tell you when we're all together.

Can't wait.

(giggles)

Stanley, I'm goin' to Ken Wynn's reception.

I'll be back in a couple hours.

Since when are you interested in state politics?

Since I have a former client who's a state assemblyman.

Uh, former state assemblyman.

He's still got four more days in office,

four glorious, productive days.

Make sure the wuss gets his shot.

Uh... when you come up for air, it's time for your flu shot.

I don't do flu shots.

Well, you should, you took 35 sick days last year.

Yeah, but I wasn't sick.

You big baby!

It's just a little needle.

No, no, I don't do needles!

Not big ones, not short ones, not any ones.

I don't like the needle, I don't like the syringe,

I don't even like those little alcohol pads.

It doesn't hurt.

You gotta get over this phobia.

It's not a phobia, it's a fuckin' fear!

Ooh! Scared?

Little needle? Stop it!

- Little pinprick? - Oh... you know...

Ooh, little pinprick, ouch! Ooh, ooh, football.

Ooh!

It's great to see so many of you

turned out on a very warm day.

I hope you're all sufficiently liquored up.

(laughter)

This thank you party is for a man I believed in

ever since he was quarterback of my beloved SC.

After two terms as the best goddamn assemblyman

this state's ever seen, he's stepping down.

But hopefully... not out.

Will you welcome my friend,

our friend, Ken Wynn?

Kenny, get up here.

(applause)

Thanks.

(applause continues)

Ken: Thank you all so much.

Especially like to thank our host,

Eli Narrow,

for allowing us to use his principality.

(laughter)

And I decree you shall all enjoy your asses off.

I've been asked why I've decided not to run again.

Especially because there's more work to be done.

Better pay for teachers...

single payer health care,

and above all,

stricter laws to prohibit the sale of handguns

under any circumstances!

(applause)

But after I cast my final vote in Sacramento this week,

I'm gonna take some time off.

(audience muttering)

Hey, why didn't you react like this

when I retired from the Rams, huh?

Because you were four and 12.

(laughter)

Ahhh, state legislature's gonna miss you, Kenny.

You know, I'm gonna miss it too, Arliss,

I did a lotta good work there.

Well, you still got one more vote on Friday,

a not so unimportant one, I might add.

I assume you bought the land.

Every square foot of it.

So are we still on for Friday night?

I'm taking care of my end here.

Arliss... you're not trying to talk my boy

into playing again, are you?

Actually, with the talent pool

what it is today, he probably could.

C'mon, with my knees.

Bullshit, you were the best quarterback S.C. ever had.

You'd be the best governor the state ever had.

Hey, Eli... are you really gonna personally fund

a new football stadium for S.C.?

If the NFL will grant me the Los Angeles franchise.

So, that's gonna run what,

about... billion dollars?

Closer to two billion.

You know, a billion here, a billion there,

pretty soon you're talki" serious money.

Of course, it won't hurt

if I get some tax breaks from the state.

Friends helpin' friends?

Eli: That's the way it works.

- (Eli/Ken chuckling) - C'mon, I flew in Kobe from Japan.

What was he doin' there?

Kobe beef, not Bryant.

- Huh... - (laughing)

Eli: Sports agents.

For thousands of years,

women have gone to extraordinary lengths to attract men.

Corsets.

Extreme footwear.

Breast augmentation.

And most recently...

Botox.

- Ooh... - Meanwhile, men have had to make do

With their God-given looks

and their wallets to attract the opposite sex.

That is, until now.

Behold... "Enhance."

The miracle...

wonder pants!

You've got to be kidding.

If we provide clients as spokesmodels,

Enhance people will give AMM

six percent of the gross.

Six percent.

Rita, our clients aren't gonna endorse this!

It's a sensitive area.

And it deserves attention.

This is a way to package...

the package.

What client's gonna wanna admit

that he has a little dick and needs this?

Hey, I do not have a little dick!

For one.

Kirby.

Kirby!

Uhh!

Rough night?

Oh, no. Uh...

Mr. Michaels, there's a special courier in your office.

Ooh, ooh, uh, Stanley, I need a check cut to J & M Realty

for 1.2 million dollars ASAP!

Arliss, what about my deal?

Good luck.

Jesus Christ!

Sign here.

Initial here.

Mm! Bill Romanowski,

How's the Raiders' lethal linebacker?

Great, how you doin', Arliss, what's up?

Look, I'm, uh, having a little dinner party

for Kenny Wynn Friday night,

and I'd really appreciate it if you could fly in to make it.

Ken Wynn.

I remember when I knocked the piss

outta of that little shit in my rookie season.

Ancient history, he's a big fan of yours.

He is?

Okay, I'll do it.

Great, I'll e-mail you the particulars. (chuckles)

Here's your check.

Uh, here's your check.

Thank you.

So, uh...

what did you buy from J & M Realty?

Oh, I just made a little land purchase in Apple Valley.

Apple Valley, ucch!

There's nothin' out there except scorpions

and the Roy Rogers museum.

I got a tip they might be developing there.

Developing what?

A gated community. Lodging for 2,000.

And I guarantee you some of our clients

will wind up spending time there.

Did I mention the exercise yard?

Exercise yard, huh.

Sounds like they're building a prison.

No, you're not.

On Friday afternoon, my friend Ken Wynn

will cast a swing vote to put a state prison in...

Apple Valley!

The state will then pay moi,

three times what moi paid for it.

A little bling bling for the new Sing Sing.

Nice friend you have.

Great friend I have.

And he'll make a great governor.

Governor?

That's right, and keep Friday night open.

Ken's gonna launch his campaign.

I've invited a select group of clients over to his house,

so Ken can get to know them,

understand their problems.

Put the touch on them for money.

Oh, believe me, he'll touch on an issue close to their wallets.

Oh... which reminds me, I need Jerry Colangelo's phone number.

Okay.

What's the matter with you?

You're sweatin' like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting.

Goddammit, are you sick?

You should've taken that flu shot.

You didn't take your flu shot?

It's hot in here, I'm fine.

Well, be sure you're fine Friday.

Yeah... try going to bed Thursday.

You're the shooting star of the shooting guards.

You are Reggie Miller. You're a confident man,

a secure man, a man others want to emulate.

True.

Yes, you are the total package.

Which is why you're the one to reinvent the package.

Behold...

You have got to be kidding me.

I don't need that.

No! Of course you don't.

But say you're, uh, swimming in the ocean,

and the water's really cold?

Don't you wanna look right when you get back to the hotel?

Are you saying I have a small johnson?

No, no no no.

Yes, you are, you're sayi" I have a small johnson.

No, I... I... I... I...

You must think I'm a point guard. Here, look for yourself.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, thank you!

You know, you may talk like a liberal,

but you sure eat like a conservative.

Sarah... thanks so much, you outdid yourself again.

Thank you, Mr. Wynn.

How's your son?

Any word yet from Berkeley?

Oh, he got in.

That letter you wrote must have helped.

Having you as a mother helped.

Nicest part of the job,

Being able to help a kid like that.

Of course, now I gotta give

the commencement address at Berkeley this year.

Friends helping friends.

C'mon, I wanna show you something.

(Arliss chuckles)

Hey, check this one out.

Oh, nice.

Who's R.F.?

Robert Ford.

The man who shot Jesse James in the back.

Fitting for a politician, don't you think?

Yeah.

Eli gave this to me from his collection.

My first day in office.

Guess you better keep your collection under wraps,

at least until the polls show differently.

So where are you on Friday night?

Okay, we got Tyrone Wheatley,

Bill Romanowski, and Jeremy Roenick.

And where are you Friday afternoon?

In Sacramento, makin' you richer.

Friends helping friends.

You know, Arliss...

my last campaign cost less than a million.

Runnin' for governor is gonna be 20 times that.

Different game, different rules.

I wish I didn't have to be a slave to the polls.

It shouldn't be a goddamn popularity contest.

Kenny... all elections are popularity contests.

I don't care if it's the president of the United States,

the Academy Awards, or the prom queen.

The most popular person at that point, wins.

It's all in the game.

♪ Many a tear has to fall ♪

♪ Doo doo mm doo doo ♪

♪ But it's all in the game ♪

♪ Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo ♪

(both laughing)

I'm sorry to interrupt you. Mr. Eli Narrow is on hold.

Oh, thank you, Sarah.

Hello, Eli.

Ken, you see the Times today?

Big article on gun control. You are quoted at length.

Terrific, what section?

Right where you should be,

Front page.

Front page of the L.A. Times.

Good.

By the way, something you should think about...

Uh-huh.

♪ Soon he'll be there by your side ♪

♪ With a sweet, okay, doo doo, doo doo doo doo ♪

Your girlfriend won't think you have a small penis,

she knows what you al...

(dial tone)

Ha ha! No takers.

What did you expect?

What are you doing with Kirby's boots?

I found them on the copy machine.

What?

All right, big guy, looking good.

Rita what do I do when I get these women home?

Do I take it off or leave it on?

I'm leaving.

Kirby, you left your...

What the hell are you doing?

They were cleaning the restrooms.

And you couldn't wait.

Hey, you hungry, you wanna grab some lunch?

I just had... breakfast.

Me, too.

But I feel like a burger and a shake.

Here are your boots, try not to shit in them.

Luis, it's gonna be a guy's night out,

Dinner, a few laughs, a couple of 12-ounce curls.

Yeah, okay, count me in.

Now, what's up with my contract extension?

Okay, that's my next call.

Colangelo wants to give you

a two-year extension for 15 million.

Now, Arliss, you know I should get 20.

Of course you should, and don't worry, you will get 20.

Arliss Michaels will never sell you short.

See you in a few hours.

Kirby, I need Jerry Colangelo's phone number, now!

So, Leavenworth Larry, still working the phones, ey?

I'm almost home.

And so is Ken from Sacramento.

You are the great and powerful warden of Oz.

Arliss.

I got, uh, Jerry Colangelo's cell phone number.

Great, thanks.

I hope you washed your hands.

Fuck you.

Arliss...

I don't like to do this, but, uh...

I think Kirby's on something.

Why would you say that?

Oh, merely an empirical observation

of his completely fucked up behavior.

Ah, that's just Kirby.

Probably got the goddamn flu.

Oh, the China white flu, the Peruvian flake strain?

The eight ball sniffle?

Do you mind? Jerry, hi, Arliss, look, before you say a word,

I just got off the phone with Luis.

Now, he wants 20 million,

but I'll get him down to 17.5,

but only if you do me a favor tonight.

Like, go to a party for Ken Wynn?

Exactly!

How did you know that?

Is this Jerry Colangelo?

No, Arliss, it's Gonzo, Luis Gonzalez.

I... I can't hear you, I got a terrible connection.

(imitates static)

You're not gonna sell me short, huh?

Go to hell, Arliss, you're fired.

Kirby!

Don't lie to me, are you on drugs?

What? No.

Don't lie to me!

I'm not lying.

You just gave me Gonzo's number instead of Colangelo's.

I did?

Yeah, you did.

And he fired us!

Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

You cost me a lot of fucking money,

Now what the hell's going on with you?

I don't know, I think I might be allergic to something.

Yeah, competency!

Now, listen to me, this dinner tonight

Is very, very important.

You better have your shit together.

No mistakes, no excuses.

I've got to know that I can count on you.

Can I?

Yes, you can.

Don't just say yes, you're sure?

I'm sure.

You better be.

(jazz music playing)

Enjoy. Enjoy, have a good time.

Hey, let me top you off there.

Okay, cheers, drink up, drink up, whoo.

A Jeremy Roenick original.

Now, Kirby, I'd better not see that on ebay.

Oh, no, no, no, you won't, here you go.

Don't forget your drink, all right, okay.

Okay, here's for Daytona, here's for Talladega.

Enjoy.

Hey, don't drink that while you're driving.

Tyrone Wheatley,

how's the bangin' back of the silver and black?

I'm hungry. Where's Ken?

Does he know you invited us to his house?

Oh, he's on his way.

You know, Sacramento Airport's always jammed.

Hey, fellas. Sorry I'm late.

Hope you animals left me some food.

(chuckling) Plenty.

Good to see you, Ken.

Did you vote?

- Sure did. - Goodie, let's get going.

- Great. - Guys, guys, gather 'round,

Gather 'round, gather 'round.

Look, I called you over here tonight

because as athletes, you all share a common bond,

one that those who have never competed will never understand.

When one of us needs help, we're all there for him.

Damn right!

All: Yeah...

Well, one of us needs your help.

Ken?

This can't leave the room.

But I couldn't think of a better group to tell first.

I've decided to run for governor of California.

Oh... God, all right, huh?

That's great Ken.

But none of us live in California.

Exactly.

A lot of you are from here,

You spend most of your time here,

Yet you don't live here, how come?

All: Taxes.

Taxes!

You live in Florida, you live in Nevada,

You live in Texas, for God's sake, why?

Because they have no state income tax there.

Damn right.

But what if you could live in California?

If I'm elected governor, I'm gonna make it my priority

to repeal the California state income tax.

Right on!

Hell, yeah, right on.

Now, look, putting Ken in the governor's mansion's

gonna take a lot of work.

And more importantly a lot, a lot of financial support.

How much do you need?

$50,000 a piece.

A piece?

I know it's a lot of money, but you're gonna make it back

tenfold over your career.

Boy, I like that math, I'm in!

I'm in too.

Well, hell, if they're in, I'm in too.

But, hey, Arliss, I didn't bring my checkbook with me.

Oh, no problem, I can take Visa, Master Card,

American Express, no Diners Club, please.

"FOK"? What's "FOK"?

Oh, that's F-O-K, Friends of Ken.

Just sign right there, yes, who's next?

Me! But I'm not putting in 50k.

Raiders offense puts in 50k,

Raiders defense puts in 100k.

Hey, are you gonna take that?

C'mon, man, go right up, don't be a pussy.

140.

Ooooh! 140, ooh...

145!

Ching-ching, ching-ching, ching-ching,

ching-ching.

Kirby: Yes!

You done good tonight, pal.

Ah, it was like shootin' fish in a barrel.

Ooh, yeah.

Check out this Colt.

- You see that R.F.? - Mm-hm.

Roberta Flack.

Aahhh!

(makes shooting noise)

So, you wanted $400,000, I got you almost eight.

Awesome, I don't know how I'll ever repay you.

You already have, mon frere.

Arliss, we gotta talk.

Oh, no, we need to sing.

♪ Many a tear has to fall ♪

♪ But it's all... ♪

I voted against the prison in Apple Valley.

You did what?

Last night, when I got the call from Eli,

he told me that the latest polls show

that the people in Apple Valley don't want a prison.

I can't risk losing those votes.

It was good advice.

For you maybe!

But what the fuck am I supposed to do

with 200 acres in the desert?

Look, we'll work something out later.

I won't forget this.

You already forgot this!

I mean, FOK, Friends of Ken,

well, you sure fucked me!

It's just politics, Arliss, you said yourself,

different game, different rules.

No, no, no, it's the same rule, the Golden Rule.

Eli's got the gold, so he makes the rules.

I notice you didn't tell me 'til you already had all their money!

Arliss, shit happens.

- The... - (gunshot)

Aah!

Arliss?

(moaning)

He's coming around.

(muttering) Fr... Friends of Ken...

Friends of Ken...

Oh, I can't believe he was shot.

It was only a matter of time.

Am I in heaven?

No, Cedars.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Michaels.

The bullet passed right through your thigh.

Now, you make sure he stays off his feet.

Ahh...

Oh, Arliss.

Oh, don't cry, Rita, I'll be okay.

Yeah, she's only crying because her Wonder Pants deal deflated.

I am not.

Where is he?

Where's Kirby?

He's in a room across the hall.

Aaaah!

Arliss, there's something you should know.

I know I'm gonna kill him.

Arliss...

Kirby!

Stanley: Arliss!

Kirby, where are you?

Arliss!

Rita: His flap is open.

I'm gonna kill you, you cocksucker!

Ooh.

Get out...!

Hey!

The doctor wants to start you

on two insulin shots a day, six units each.

You should start feeling normal again.

Does it have to be injected,

I can't take a pill or something?

Sorry, not with type 1 diabetes.

Now, after you load the syringe,

pinch some stomach fat and just pop it in.

Do you want me to do it for you?

No... no, I... I'm gonna have to do it, so...

might as well do it.

Hey.

Sure hope the food's better on this side of the hall.

Arliss, I'm really sorry that I shot you,

I didn't know the gun was loaded.

It's okay, I'll live.

Barely.

Can you believe this shit?

I mean, I've always thought of myself as an athlete,

You know, strong, healthy...

Christ, n... now this.

Hey... you brush your teeth twice a day,

you'll inject yourself twice a day, no big deal.

I hate needles.

I hate snakes.

Really? I don't mind snakes.

One, two, three!

Okay, it's no problem we'll go again.

Ready? Ready, on three.

One, two, three!

Uhh!

Oh.

Whew!

Ehh... that wasn't so bad.

(laughs) No, I mean, first I shot you, and then I shot me.

Knock, knock. Can we come in?

Hey, heard everyone's all right.

Thank God.

Yeah, I appreciate your concern.

Arliss... we have a problem.

Kirby's got diabetes and I almost lost my dick.

What's your problem?

If it gets out that it was Ken's gun that shot you

in Ken's house, then it could hurt Ken's campaign.

If on the other hand, we say it was your gun,

then it becomes an unfortunate accident,

we all move on.

What kind of an asshole keeps a loaded gun

in his display cabinet?

If, on the other hand, we say it was your gun,

it becomes an unfortunate accident, we all move on.

Tragedy in my own home,

yet another reason for gun control.

You know, Ken, why don't we go the other way?

Why don't we really publicize this,

and get out the NRA vote?

Gentlemen, we have to resolve this.

Arliss, we can't let this little mishap

blow Ken's shot at the governor's mansion.

Arliss, voters think I'm the total package.

Why don't you two just go fuck yourself...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Kirby.

Hold on a second.

Maybe we can work this out.

After all, it's just friends helping friends.

Hello, I'm Ken Wynn, former All-American

former All-Pro, and former state assemblyman.

So I know what it takes to break down the opposition.

That's why I'm suitin' up in Wonder Pants.

Beats the hell out of dodgin' tacklers and kissin' babies.

Announcer: Wwwwwonder Pants! from Enhance.

Project the power.

But you know, he doesn't look as good as me.

Rita, your candidate just, shall we say,

Stuffed the ballet box. (chuckles)

How's the groundbreaking coming?

The Enhance people love the site.

It's got good freeway access and lots of room for expansion.

Hey, what kind of spider's that?

(screaming)

Rita, Rita?

Here you go, Kirby.

Oh, I almost forgot, no alcohol for you.

Hold on, that's only got three grams of carbohydrates.

I can have half a glass.

Half a glass it is.

To the glass half full.

To the glass...

All: half full.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ He's a drunkard and a thief ♪

♪ A devil and a priest ♪

♪ Inside every angle, every sigh ♪

♪♪

♪ Better hope that you are quicker ♪

♪ 'Cause he's not givin' any free rides ♪

♪ His reputation's got around ♪

♪ He's as rabid as a hound ♪

♪ If there's a space then you better hide ♪

♪ He's a trickster and a player ♪

♪ And you haven't got a prayer ♪

♪ If you think that he has a good side ♪

♪ He's a fast-talkin' two-faced man ♪

♪ Fast-talkin' two-faced man ♪

♪♪

♪ Ooh-ooh- ooh ♪

♪ He probably sold his mother ♪

♪ For the chance to con his brother ♪

♪ And took every penny he had ♪

♪♪

♪ All while he was packin' his bags ♪

♪ He's a fast-talkin' two-faced man ♪

♪ Fast-talkin' two-faced man ♪