Original subtitles

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(theme song plays)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ ♪

This one's a synchronized swimmer.

Watch.

(Blue Danube Waltz plays)

Good lord.

Are those real?

No, but they keep her afloat.

(sigh)

So, uh, what's your video tally now?

You got a skier, a gymnast, a triathlete.

And don't forget the goalie.

Oh!

The goalie! The goalie!

Ah! Hoo hoo...

Watch this.

No! Way.

I don't do charity for free.

It's not for free.

You'll get your usual quote.

Really? $10,000?

Yes!

Of course, it is expected

that you sign the money over to WHO.

Sign it over to what?

Not what. "WHO."

"We Have Overcome."

They use role models to inspire people

to overcome a diversity of obstacles.

Addiction, domestic abuse...

Tell WHO, no.

Those people depress me.

Arliss, they lost their keynote speaker.

I promised them a replacement.

Why me?

Because it's in two days!

Oh, you can do this with your eyes shut.

No one bullshits better than you.

- (drops pen) - ♪ ♪

Hey, I don't bullshit.

I motivate.

Eh, tomayto, tomahto.

No, there's a difference.

To bullshit is to make people feel comfortable.

To motivate is to make 'em feel confident.

Can't you motivate yourself to do this?

Not a chance!

Hey, wait a second!

No, what's on second. Who's on first.

I don't know, third base!

(Blue Danube Waltz plays)

(both humming, groaning)

(door opens)

Kirby, what time is the...

Kirby, do these women know they're being taped?

Did Little Red Riding Hood

know that the Big Bad Wolf was under the quilt?

I don't want this tape in the office.

If what you're doing gets out,

it could be pretty goddamn embarrassing, don't you think?

It's not gonna get out.

The camera is hidden in my bedroom clock.

Nobody knows.

(door opens)

Rita: Arliss, I'm coming to you,

arms open, asking for a favor.

I'm not budging until you say yes!

These people need you to come.

(music ends, tape ejects)

What's going on?

All: Nothing!

Arliss, you might not be able to see them

through the tinted glass of your luxury sedan,

but there are people out there

who have it harder than you do.

And they...

(imitates violin)

Excuse me!

No, we excuse them,

and it's Phil Donahue's fault!

His show launched the,

"Ooh, I'm a, I'm a victim support-group," crowd.

Feh! It's the last refuge of the weak and lazy.

(phone rings)

Kirby Carlisle.

Stanley, you're an asshole. Ah!

But, a well-adjusted one.

Boss, it's Steve Mariucci.

♪ ♪

Mooch! How's the guru of the gridiron?

Arliss, where the hell is Tyler?

About an hour outside of San Antonio?

Tyler Harris, you idiot.

My left tackle, your client.

Oh, didn't Rita tell you?

Uh, Tyler was just rushed to the dentist.

Abscessed tooth, uh, running a fever!

Oh no, you're not gonna help me, I'm not gonna help you.

Gimme that phone! Gimme that! No! No!

Steve, it's the truth, honest!

Okay, I'll do it!

Steve: sick of this crap, Arliss.

But, I'm not signing over the check.

- Steve: You hear me? - (inaudible)

Hey, Arliss, you better get Tyler's butt up here right now.

No problem, Steve. (chuckling)

He'll be there as soon as his temperature comes down.

(running water)

He was my first coach.

He taught me the basics.

There's not a day that goes by

where I don't think about him.

(sigh)

I understand.

(sigh)

Perhaps some fresh air will help you grieve.

No. There's more.

Well, what I do now? Who do I talk to?

Me.

Talk to me.

That's what I'm here for.

How much more?

When he was my coach, he...

he touched me.

Well, that's what a good coach does.

Let's celebrate him.

Toast his memory!

You don't understand.

In the locker room...

He touched me.

♪ ♪

Touched you, as in...

Tyler, I'm sorry.

I didn't do what I had to do.

I didn't do what the doctor told me to do.

I never...

Confronted him.

And Coach Mariucci, he...

He wants me to play.

I can't play. I can't even move.

Tyler, let me tell you a story.

(sigh)

In 1966, a young man...

"Man." A young boy

went to sleepaway camp for the first time.

At first, he adjusted well,

but he suffered from...

enuresis.

Which is otherwise

known as bed wetting.

Wetting the bed with the other kids around was traumatic enough,

but there was this one counselor named Uncle Artie.

And every afternoon, that son of a bitch Uncle Artie

would gather all the kids around the flag pole.

And they'd look up and there, flapping in the breeze,

was this boy's urine-soaked sheets.

That boy's name was Arliss Michaels.

Arliss?

You were a bedwetter?

Damn.

Years later, after I overcame the problem,

I went to go confront Uncle Artie,

to get closure, but...

he disappeared, gone.

I even hired private detectives to track him down,

but they came up empty.

So, you never confronted him?

No, I never got to.

But, you know what?

It didn't matter.

I beat him by becoming the man I am today.

You see, Tyler,

you can't change the past,

but you can use it to forge the future.

Forge the future.

Sure humiliation's painful,

but there's a difference between

- pain and injury. - Big difference.

I wasn't gonna let the abuser win,

and neither will you!

Damn right!

- Yeah, baby. - No way!

No fucking way! Yes, yes!

Why do I have a shrink when I have you for an agent?

(running water)

You hot?

(workout music)

(indistinct chatter)

Tony, I can't believe you're into all of this.

Are you kidding?

I love body building.

Sport takes discipline.

Besides...

Who knows more about tight ends than a tight end?

Jack: Wow, I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Look at these women, I, just... incredible.

When I first started my business,

boy, the women didn't look like this.

Tony, meet the originator,

the inaugurator of all that you see here.

This is the great Jack La Lanne.

And I'm trying to be humble.

Nice to meet you, Mr. La Lanne.

Tony Gonzales!

Listen, this is really a pleasure meeting you.

Tell me something.

Is it true that you swam a mile and a half

towing 70 boats when you were 7 years old?

Absolutely, and my hands and feet were shackled.

Shackled? What'd you have in the boat,

illegal aliens?

Listen, you smart gluteus maximus,

get down there, let's do some push-ups.

Let me see you do 50 push-ups.

Right now, c'mon.

(music continues)

Oh, c'mon, those are sissy push-ups.

I'm gonna show you how they're really done.

No, straighten your arms.

Arms out in front of you.

Just put your arms out in front.

Hey, I want in on this.

Me, too.

(scoffs) Ladies, I think you're kinda

outta your league here.

I mean, Jack La Lanne

is the world record holder in push-ups.

What do you think?

Female bodybuilders aren't athletes?

C'mon, let's show him.

A bodybuilder...

(computer beeps)

Arliss: Stanley!

Stanley, you got a minute?

Oh! I'm, uh, I'm pretty busy.

I'm in the middle of a quarterly report.

Look, I wanna run this speech by you.

Is it for Rita's benefit?

Spare me.

Hey, I'm getting my usual 10k fee.

Now, bear with me. I gotta tread lightly.

Some of those people are fucked up.

Wrong!

All of those people are fucked up.

If I were you,

I would tell them to get their shit together,

get a job, and then get lost.

I'll make sure you're the keynote speaker next year.

(phone rings)

- Hello. - (beep)

Tyler: Arliss.

Tyler, are, are you at practice?

Just got through.

Coach says the best workout I had in weeks.

- Thanks, Arliss. - Glad I could help.

Now, I have to return the favor.

- I found him. - Found who?

Uncle Artie from Camp Winotonka!

Your private detectives weren't very good.

He lives in El Segundo.

El Segundo?

I'm coming over.

I'll take you to him right now.

Uh, Tyler,

now's not a good time.

No, you put this off too long.

You're going now!

Un...

believable.

What?

Tyler Harris tracks down one of my old camp counselors.

Now, I gotta go meet him.

How the hell did he even know where I went to camp?

I told him.

♪ ♪

You?

Well, Tyler called this morning and asked me if I knew

where you went to camp as a boy.

And you told him!?

Yeah, why not?

Was it classified under the Freedom of Camp Winotonka Act?

(chuckling) Oh, shit!

(sigh)

Last night, Tyler told me how his high school coach,

"touched him," and how he never got to confront him.

So, I make up some story about how Uncle Artie teased me

about wetting my bunk, and I never got to confront him.

Arliss...

You compared molestation to bedwetting?

Brilliant!

So, what do I do now?

I can't tell Tyler it's bullshit.

Oh, what the hell'd you have to open your big mouth for?

Don't blame me, you're the one who lied!

I motivated!

Tyler's ass is back on the field,

and Mariucci is off my back.

And you're off to see Uncle Artie.

No, we're off to see Uncle Artie!

Me? Why me?

Diversity!

Red nine on the black 10.

How'd that get there?

(straining)

Need a hand?

My friends call me the Human Can Opener.

(lid pops)

Thanks.

You're welcome.

I'm Cheryl Masters, and I'm looking for Kirby Carlisle.

Well, I'm Rita Wu,

and you are in amazing shape.

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Some women find me kinda scary.

Oh, they're just jealous.

Rita.

Stanley and I are gonna go out of the office for a while.

Um... Oh, hi.

Oh! Arliss, this is Cheryl Masters. She's wait...

Hey!

Oh, I was just calling you.

Well, I see you've all met Cheryl. She's a...

bodybuilder.

A bodybuilder?

Yes...

You hungry?

Starved.

Nice meeting you all.

Rita: Same here.

Lights, camera...

Action!

(phone rings)

Oo...

Rita: Rita Wu. (indistinct)

One moment.

It's Tyler Harris. He's waiting downstairs.

♪ ♪

That's his place, Arliss.

Do you want us to go in there with you?

Yes, let's all go in together.

No, I, I think it's best if I go in alone.

Go in there and tell him exactly how you feel.

Feel?

About what?

There goes a brave man.

A-ha!

(rings doorbell)

(rings doorbell)

Nobody home!

Uncle Artie?

Who wants to know?

I'm, uh, Arliss Michaels.

You were my counselor at Camp Winotonka.

Little Arly Michaels?

The sound sleeper?

Come in.

Sugar?

Uh, sure.

So, uh, 1966. Long time ago.

Camp Winotonka. (chuckle)

Walla-wah-oo!

So, what do you do for a living?

Oh! (laughs)

I'm a sports agent.

Arliss Michaels in sports?

You couldn't swing a bat!

(snicker)

And if my memory serves me right,

you made a hell of a macaroni ashtray.

Ah. Arts and crafts, that was me.

Anything not to swim, that's you.

Hey, that lake was freezing!

And you, how's life been treating you?

Truth?

I had a few rough years after prison.

Then things kinda settled down.

♪ ♪

Prison?

What were you doing in prison?

That's why you're here, right?

I'm not following.

I'm a registered sex offender.

Isn't that how you found me?

No...

It's not.

Oh.

I'm glad you came.

I need to apologize to you.

For what?

(lounge music)

Thank you.

Well, that is some appetite you have there.

Told you I was hungry.

My workouts burn about 2,000 calories.

I need fuel for the machine.

Complex amino acids, enzymes.

You wanna compete in my world, you gotta go all the way.

You are unreal.

So, how come you asked me out?

I'm curious.

So am I.

(chuckle) You don't think I'm weird?

You couldn't be weird enough for old Kirbs.

You say all the right things.

Ah. You make it easy.

Dessert?

Yes, but...

not here.

(soft laugh)

Cheryl: Harder, harder. You're a bear.

Kirby: Who's a bear?

You're a bear.

Ah, who's a bear?

You're the bear.

♪ ♪

Ooh! Oh!

Ah!

(continued moaning)

Ooh! Ah!

Woohoo, baby!

Yehaw... Back, back, back, back!

Woo, ye-hoo!

(imitates gunshots)

Kirby: Yeah!

(both moaning)

Oh, yeah, man! Ho!

(both moaning)

- (cartoon spring sound) - (thud)

(moaning and yelling)

Harder, harder.

Oh! Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

(laughing) Yes!

Wow, wow!

Wow. (laughs)

You are a machine.

Let me just catch my breath, I'll be ready for round two.

(panting)

You're not too tired?

Ah! Woo! Hell, no.

(growls) Let's...

Good.

I need to use the little girls' room.

Okay, yeah.

Hoo!

(fireplace crackles)

(door closes)

♪ ♪

(tape ejects)

Ooh,

nice.

(giggling) You ready?

Just about.

Want a little oil massage?

Oh, I want everything

you've got to give.

Ooh! Hoo hoo...

Yeah.

I like that, don't stop.

Don't worry.

(laughing)

Oh ho ho! Little freaky.

Yeah, I like this.

I thought you might.

Ooh. All the nooks and crannies, huh?

(laughing)

Just trying to make things easy.

Okay.

(giggling)

What, um...? Oof!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

No, no...!

(traffic sounds)

Rita: Arliss is great.

He's a wonderful motivational speaker.

He speaks all the time.

Oh, which reminds me,

you should have his check ready.

(door opens)

♪ ♪

Y... Yeah, absolutely.

I, I, I can assure you,

it's gonna be a beautiful evening.

At 8:00 sharp. See you then. Bye bye.

Jesus.

(panting)

(door opens)

(gasp) That's it!

I'm having Arliss commit you!

Close the fucking door!

What you are doing is not normal.

- What are you doing?! - Nothing.

Nothing?

You honestly think that this is, uh,

acceptable office behavior?

I'm telling Arliss.

- No, you can't! - Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

Give me one good reason why not.

(sigh)

Have a seat.

God knows I wish I could.

Arliss, you in here?

Stanley, shut the door.

Stanley, listen, about last night.

You were magnificent!

The way you walked out of Art's house like a zombie.

All quiet on the ride home in Tyler's car.

Oh! I bow to you!

Uh, Stanley...

♪ ♪

Did you ever have anything

bad happen to you that you weren't aware of?

Like?

Like an event from your past.

You know, like a bad dream?

Only...

it wasn't a dream.

(sputters) Fuck you!

I'm not taking the bait.

Stanley, I'm trying to tell you something.

Bullshit!

Save it for the bleeding hearts at "WHO."

Let me be surprised.

Coming this fall,

it's the Motivator.

I'll be back!

(laughing)

It was blue?!

I've never seen blue.

Royal blue?

Midnight blue?

Baby blue?

Rita, this isn't funny!

Sorry.

What did you say to her?

Well, what the hell do you think I said, "nice dildo?"

She acted like everything was fine,

then packed up her equipment and left!

Are you gonna tell someone?

Oh, yeah.

I think I'll go on Oprah,

and I'll tell my story to Dr. Phil!

Or better yet, I think I'll go to the police.

They'll be real sympathetic.

So, tell us what happened, butt boy.

Fuck! I'm a sports agent.

If this story gets out, the only clients

I'll be able to sign will be figure skaters.

So...

are you gonna see her again?

Fuck, no!

Maybe in a nightmare!

K... Oh, um...

♪ ♪

Rita, would you give us a minute?

I'll talk to you later.

Uh-huh.

Kirby, um, we've known each other a long time.

I mean, if something were to happen to one of us,

I mean, the other one would always be there.

I mean, there's nothing that we can't talk about, right?

You eavesdropping motherfucker!

Fuck you!

What's up his ass?

Tsk.

Rita, listen, um,

th... there's something I've gotta get off my chest.

Is it for the benefit tonight?

Well, no. I mean,

Maybe. I, I, it's...

I mean, it's not the kind of thing

tha... tha... that you really want...

Save it for tonight.

What the fuck is going on here?

Hi, Cheryl.

Oh, hey, Rita.

I brought you that book.

Oh! Thanks.

Is Kirby around?

Um...

Does he know you're coming?

Nah, I wanted to surprise him.

Okay, um...

Maybe we should talk in here for a second.

- Okay, girl talk? - Yeah.

Cheryl, um...

(closes door)

I don't think Kirby wants to see you again.

Why not?

Well,

he told me about...

What, we had a great time.

Yeah, I don't think he had such a great time.

He wasn't really into...

you being into... him.

(scoffs)

They always say that at first.

He told me he liked it weird.

Weird to Kirby is purple hair and a pierced nipple,

not being ambushed by molded rubber.

♪ ♪

I don't think this is any of your business.

Kirby's my friend.

That makes it my business.

I don't think so.

You don't intimidate me.

Half the people who walk through this office

are bigger than you.

Do you stick your nose into their lives, too?

Do you like pushing people around?

Only when people need it.

You know, Kirby said no to you.

Oh, please.

He said no.

Oh, c'mon, Rita.

Haven't you said no when you meant yes?

I think you should leave.

You're all freaks.

(traffic sounds)

When I heard the good people of WHO were giving me

a lifetime achievement award,

I was honored.

But, I had to wonder, should this award go to me?

Or should it go to the young mother

who recently came to see me and said,

"I had my first child when I was 14.

I have lived on the streets..."

Oh, and then I couldn't read

because my abusive alcoholic dog

took a shit on my glasses,

and blah, blah, blah...

Stanley, do you mind?

Some turnout, huh?

Where?

I said, some turnout.

Great.

Where's Kirby?

Oh, um...

He had a personal thing to take care of.

Everything I can to ensure

that WHO keeps caring.

Thank you very much.

(applause)

Thank you, Deepak.

Congratulations and namaste.

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight for our keynote speaker,

we have a man who I am sure

will inspire us all.

Please welcome,

sports agent, Arliss Michaels.

Good luck!

Make it good.

(applause)

You could at least be supportive. Oh, quiet.

Thank you, Rebecca.

(sigh)

Um, I, I, I... When I got this...

opportunity to address the people of WHO,

I accepted because...

I have an important story to tell.

Story about a man who thought

he had life all figured out.

♪ ♪

But, then he learned a terrible truth.

That he had been taken advantage of as a young boy,

fondled by someone

in whom he had placed his trust.

(sighing)

Once he came face to face with that ugly revelation,

he realized he had no choice, but...

to deal with it.

Learning this, he could've become bitter,

vindictive,

but he is not.

He...

overcame.

This is not an easy story to tell.

But, if it helps lighten

one person's burden, it's worth it.

I assure you this man has been changed forever.

This man is stronger now

than he's ever been before.

And this man's name...

is Stanley Babson.

Hee...

(slow music playing)

Stanley, get up and take a bow.

Stanley, please. Please.

Ladies and gentlemen, Stanley Babson.

♪ ♪

Stanley, get up and take a bow. You deserve it.

(applause)

C'mon, Stanley.

Arliss: I applaud you, I bow to you.

You spell courage.

Uh...

(chuckling)

(inaudible)

♪ Sunny summer days that seem ♪

(chuckling)

♪ From a distant time ♪

♪ I recall I said I love you ♪

♪ Under the old oak tree ♪

♪ As I look back ♪

♪ I see the past ♪

♪ Will always be with me ♪

♪ I remember a sweeter time ♪

Arliss, you son of a bitch!

Oh, c'mon, look how you motivated everyone!

I'm proud of you.

- Picture time! - (gasp)

Arliss, great job.

Here's your appearance fee.

Ooh...

$10,000.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, don't you go anywhere, darling.

What are you do...

(music continues)

Don't you dare tell anyone about this.

It'll ruin my reputation.

Not a chance.

♪ When you said that you love me ♪

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ I see the past ♪

♪ Will always be with me ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And now you are the only ♪

♪ One I'll ever need ♪

♪ As I look back ♪

♪ I see the past ♪

♪ Will always be with me ♪

♪ Those sunny summer days that seem ♪

♪ From a distant time ♪

♪ I recall I said I love you ♪

♪ Under the old oak tree ♪

♪ As I look back ♪

♪ I see the past ♪

♪ Will always be with me ♪

♪ ♪