Original subtitles

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

(groans)

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashing)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Let's go, let's go, let's go...

Arliss (narrating): Of all God's creatures,

the athlete is the most superstitious.

As an agent,

I tolerate my clients' quirks and peccadilloes,

but personally,

I believe it's all in their head.

Good morning, señor, the usual?

Unsalted, small bag.

Beautiful day, no?

Yeah, beautiful day, mañana.

Buen dia.

Hey, you mutt!

Jesus! You mutt!

You almost hit my fish!

You could've killed him, he's only two years old!

You're lucky, you're lucky!

You're lucky, you're lucky.

Yes, I am.

Goldberg, I'm real happy to hear you say that.

You know, kids today want everything handed to them.

It's a very important lesson.

And what is it, Ginny?

In order to win the prize you have to earn the prize.

Goldberg: That's right.

The student who sells the most baskets

wins the grand prize.

A Cannondale F-700 mountain bike.

Wow, that's some prize.

What was it last year? Um... snowboard, right?

No, that was the year before.

Last year it was the I-Book.

No, that was three years ago.

Last year was the Playstation.

Arliss, if you're gonna make it to that press conference,

you have to leave now.

Hi, Goldberg.

Hi, Ginny, bye, Ginny.

Arliss, she's got her heart set on this bike.

And I could buy it. Instead...

In order to win the prize, you have to earn the prize.

Well, here at AMM,

we don't just work for you, Goldberg.

We work for your entire family.

So, that said,

let me be the first to buy a basket

and make that a $50...

Ahem...

$100 basket.

Arliss, you don't mind if she sells the baskets

around the office, do you?

"Mind?!" Of course not.

I have to fly to New York in an hour, but don't worry.

Stanley here will personally assist you.

What? Arliss.

Arliss, we gotta go.

Hello, Mr. Carlisle.

Oh, hi, Ginny.

Bye, Ginny.

Well, good luck.

Ooh, almost forgot.

(gasps)

(stammering)

Which one would you like, Mr. Babson?

Hey, when we get to New York, let's go to Nipple Nudes.

I got some lap dance coupons.

No, no, no, we fly in, D'Agostino signs his contract,

we fly out.

What are you doing, you just missed your turn!

I gotta pick up something.

Boss, we're gonna be late.

It'll just take a second.

Not your lucky peanuts.

Didn't you already get your bag today?

Little Winona lifted them!

I need my luck.

Boss, luck is having your brother

be governor of the state that decides your election,

not peanuts.

Says you.

Arliss: There he is.

(tires screech)

Back for more, amigo?

Unsalted, small bag.

(whistling)

(tires screech)

(yelling in Spanish)

(stammering) Where are you going?

Wait, wait, wait, where are you going?

I got exact change!

Arliss, we gotta go.

He's got my nuts!

So did my ex, but I lived.

Come on, let's go.

Arliss (narrating): When a black and white cat crossed a man's path,

he asked, "Is that good luck or bad luck?"

His friend replied,

"That all depends on what happens next."

Man: Last month when I became GM,

I said we'd put the Knicks on the path to a championship.

We're taking the first step today

with the signing of the number one draft pick,

D'Agostino Mills.

D'Agostino brings a work ethic...

That was the single shittiest plane ride I've ever had.

No cell phone reception,

the VCR broke, flying through the perfect storm.

I should've had my nuts.

Arliss, you've got the number one pick in the NBA draft

about to sign.

Other agents would love to have your luck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Enjoy the moment, you're about to be praised.

Man: So, without further ado,

I give you D'Agostino Mills.

(cheering and applause)

This is a great day for me.

I want to thank my college coach

for being so cool when I had to jet.

And I wanna give some love to my boys out in Compton.

Fo sho', baby, West Side,

you know how we do it till we die, blood!

Most of all I want to thank...

my boys at Reebok.

That charcoal jumpy.

Ooh.

D'Ag, Pat Croce, NBC sports.

Any long-term goals?

Yeah.

My one and only dream

has been to have my jersey hang in the rafters of an NBA arena.

Well, let the dream begin!

Sign here.

Here you go...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you got this wrong, man.

My number's 11.

Don't worry, it's just ceremonial.

What do you mean ceremonial? I want number 11.

You'll wear number 11.

Tad, tell him he'll wear number 11.

D'Agostino will be wearing number 11.

Pat: No, he won't.

Why not?

Because that number belonged to Chet Koldys.

Who's Chet Koldys?

Oh, gee.

That is Chet Koldys.

What's that doing up there?

Uh, D'Ag, just sign, we'll work it out later.

No, no, no, we'll work this out now.

Take that jersey down!

"Take it down," Arliss?

D'Ag, I'm sure we can solve this.

Yeah, we can solve this, with some scissors,

'cause if I don't wear 11, I don't sign.

D'Ag, D'Ag, listen,

it's just a number, don't be silly!

It's just a number!

Hey, Jason Giambi.

How's the Bronx bombers biggest bat? (chuckles)

Stanley, my man, what's up?

Jason, I've been going through your portfolio

and you are doing very, very well.

God bless Urecoat,

the miracle spray-on roofing.

Yes.

Anyway, I'm raising money for a children's hospital

and I was wondering if you'd be interested

in buying a gift basket.

Are you shilling for Goldberg's kid again?

You hit me up for that brat last year.

It's a mere $50.

$50?!

You only gave my niece $20 for her candy bars.

You tell that runt to kiss my ass.

Okay, great talking with you.

He'll take two.

Two?

Jason Giambi just signed a seven-year,

$120 million deal.

My father, Goldberg,

said you were a skillful negotiator.

I'm not so sure.

Okay, let's get to the Red Sox.

Tad, are you telling me the Knicks are gonna risk

losing the number one draft pick over this?

Chet Koldys is the owner's all-time favorite Knick.

He's not gonna un-retire his number for some rookie.

Chet Koldys is dead!

He's a legend!

So's Bigfoot, the fans want D'Agostino!

My boss worships the memory of Chet Koldys.

Memories don't put asses in seats.

But my boss puts mine here.

So, until the kid changes his mind,

the deal's off.

Tad...

What'd he say?

Arliss, we have a serious problem!

Yeah, we sure do.

D'Agostino won't sign unless he gets Chet Koldys' number.

The kid's dropped out of college,

now he wants to re-write history.

D'Agostino is my client.

So, what are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna try to talk D'Agostino into changing his mind!

No. Can I come?

You and Rita have to track down my peanut guy now.

You want us to drop everything to find your peanut guy?

Right now he's the most important person in my life.

Once I get my peanuts back,

the situation with D'Agostino will work out.

I'll find him, I volunteer!

- No, you're busy. - So, what's his name?

- Your peanut guy. - What's whose name?

How the hell do I know?

You don't even know the name of the most important person in your life?

He's the Mexican peanut guy, for Godsakes.

He doesn't need a name, his name's peanut guy.

(whispers) Arliss.

Ahhh.

(crunch)

There you are, Stanley.

I've got Bob Costas on hold.

Arliss.

Take care of it!

Rita, Kirby.

I don't believe either of you has placed your order yet.

Oh, sorry... Stanley, take care of it.

Yes, we're on a very important mission.

Costas, line two.

And this time, say exactly what I tell you to.

Don't try to be witty.

I want that bike!

See?

You don't need number 11 to shoot like that.

I need this number, it's good luck.

D'Ag, luck is winning the lottery.

Luck is being upgraded to first class

because coach is sold out.

Luck is having your brother be the governor of the state

that decides your election.

You don't need luck.

You've got that sweet, sweet Jay.

Arliss, my dream is to have my jersey retired.

Wearing number 11 is the only way that's gonna happen.

Look, just for fun...

humor me.

Yeah, okay, close.

Do it again, here you go.

Swish!

I'm not feeling it.

Okay, try another one.

Looks good.

Three, two, one...!

(imitates buzzer)

You were up by one.

Maybe you should try another one.

You're thinking about it too much.

Just get in there and slam one.

(glass shatters)

Case closed!

Arliss (narrating): I firmly believe you make your own luck.

Remember, the breaks even out in the end.

What did he say?

Uh, sugar, jelly, cream-filled.

About the peanut guy.

Oh, he hasn't seen him since the immigration sweep.

We're never gonna find him.

Why can't D'Agostino just change his number?

What's the big deal?

Are you kidding?

Athletes are the most superstitious people in the world.

When I was playing football

I kept a six-game winning streak alive

by not changing my underwear.

Six weeks?

Oh, spare me.

I was unsackable.

You were unbearable.

Let's try another spot.

(engine starts)

Hey, you, learn to drive!

They give a... they give a license to anybody these days.

Oh, God, sorry. Sorry!

It's a sad state of affairs when a poor defenseless woman

- Look! - Like me can't walk in the street.

A defenseless poor woman.

I'm going to call my friend at the justice department.

Wait, lady!

Let me get this straight.

First, you two try to cripple me,

and now you need my help.

Yes, we're looking for that guy that sells those peanuts.

Julio.

Yes, yes, Julio.

Never heard of him.

Look, this is really important.

How do I know you're not with the authorities?

Do I look like I'm with the authorities?

No, actually, you look like a perv.

Listen, uh, we're willing to pay you.

Do I look like I need money?

I have my own retail enterprise here.

Well, doesn't mean we can't do a little business.

Tad, the kid's convinced he'll never have his jersey retired

unless he's playing as number 11.

Well, he'll never start playing until he gives up that idea.

Well, don't you want him to play?

Don't you?

Shit.

Jesus.

Stanley, have you heard anything from Rita or Kirby?

Where's the number for Mark Cuban?

Where's Stanley?

No one on the sixth floor wanted a basket.

Mr. Michaels, I have to say that I'm not impressed

by the productivity level of your office.

I can't help but wonder if my father, Goldberg,

might not be better served at another agency.

Stanley, seventh floor.

Mark Cuban's number?

(phone ringing)

Hello?

One second.

It's for you.

And don't tie up the line.

Arliss Michaels.

We know where your peanut guy lives.

We're a couple blocks away from his house.

Great, great, give me the address.

Okay, look.

I'll meet you there in 15 minutes, and wait outside!

He doesn't know you, so, he's liable to bolt again.

Alright.

He's on his way.

Arliss better reimburse me for that leather jacket.

Your jacket?

(car alarm chirps)

The garage...

No, the garage, back there, back there.

(knocking)

Si?

I'm looking for...

The young man who sells peanuts over at the Staples Center.

No, adios.

No, no, no, it's alright, he knows me.

Unsalted, small bag!

Como? What are you doing here?

I was worried about you.

I came to check to see if you were alright.

(speaking Spanish)

My uncle was afraid you were la migra.

You know, Immigration.

They're looking for me.

Um, I really don't want to take up any of your time.

But...

As long as I'm here,

why don't I give you some money and get a bag of peanuts?

Si, si.

Great.

The usual?

Unsalted, small bag.

(screaming)

Rosa!

Oh, my god, I'll get help.

No, just stay here, please!

Me?

Why does it take so long to get peanuts?

I'm starving.

Coconut?

No, cream filled.

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh.

Uno, dos, tres.

Shouldn't she be at the hospital?!

No hospital!

It might be safer.

My baby will be born here.

My baby will be an American.

It'll be an American at the hospital.

But Rosa and I will not, we will be deported.

(screaming)

Get a towel, get a towel!

(panting)

Fucking...

(gate opening)

Shit.

Quick, Immigration, hide, get outta here!

She can't be moved.

Where are you going?

Thank God you're here.

There's an illegal Asian operating a prostitution ring

right out front!

Well, don't just stand there, man, we're at Defcon five!

Move, move, Black Hawk down!

Hey, let me help you with that.

Ah, Jesus!

Sonuvabitch.

Immigration!

Step out of the car, please.

Hmm?

Please, step out of the car!

Do-you-speak-English?

I beg your pardon?

- We were just waiting for somebody. - Mm-hmm!

Looks like somebody didn't wait.

Okay, no, no.

(screaming)

Empuja! Empuja!

Una mas, una mas.

(screaming)

Una mas, una mas.

(baby crying)

(speaking Spanish)

(speaks Spanish)

Scissors, we need scissors, we need scissors!

(speaking Spanish)

Bien, Rosa, muy bien.

Gracias.

Como te llamas?

Julio.

Julio, Arliss.

(pounding on door)

Man: Immigration, open up.

The next case on the calendar is Julio Garcia.

Is the respondent Julio Garcia here?

D'Ag, listen, I'm gonna be straight with you.

I've been 'round and 'round with the Knicks and we're at an impasse.

They're not gonna take Chet Koldys' jersey down.

Arliss, my dream is to have my jersey retired.

If I don't get 11, how's that gonna happen?

You find a way to make this work,

or I'm sitting out and finding a new agent.

Judge: Counsel for the defense?

As the court is well aware

any baby born in the United States

is automatically an American citizen.

I am well aware, Mr. Shapiro.

What's the baby's name?

Arlissio Miguel Garcia.

As I'm sure you're aware, Mr. Shapiro,

the child's parents had nine months to figure this out.

Uh, your honor, may I speak?

And you are...

Arliss Michaels, the baby's godfather.

Continue.

I'm willing to sponsor these people in their bid

to become American citizens.

I believe this man, Julio Garcia,

is the type of man the founding fathers had in mind

when they drew up our constitution.

A man who works hard at his job, seven days a week,

out on the street selling bags of peanuts to all who come by,

regardless of race, color, creed.

If I made an exception for everyone...

Wait a minute, peanuts?

Yes, but it shouldn't matter

how small a man's claim on the American dream is.

(whispers) Sit down.

Stand up, Mr. Garcia.

Your honor, please.

Where the hell have you been?

I haven't gotten my lucky peanuts in days.

Salted. Large bag?

When you disappeared, I ripped my robe,

my lawn sprouted crabgrass and my mother-in-law showed up.

Of course Mr. Garcia can stay.

Case dismissed.

Rosa, Rosa.

Think you better take him.

Arliss, I have something for you.

Ha ha ha!

No, no, no, on the house.

No, no, the way it works is I give you the money,

you give me the peanuts.

Okay, the usual?

Unsalted, small bag.

Muchas gracias.

De nada.

(bell ringing)

Forward AMM Coming through.

So, the demon seed won the prize.

No, I took the money out of petty cash

and I bought it for her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, out of my petty cash.

It was a small price to pay.

Damnit, Stanley, Goldberg's gonna flip out.

He wanted Ginny to earn it.

"In order to win the prize you gotta earn the prize."

She just wants the prize.

So, you're just giving it to her.

Yes, easier to just give her what she wants

and be done with it, that way everyone's happy.

What'd you just say?

I said, it's just easier to just give her what she wants

and be done with it!

Arliss (narrating): One should never put one's cart before the horse.

Unless the goddamn horse won't move.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome our next superstar,

D'Agostino Mills.

Let's give him a big New York Knicks welcome.

(cheering and applause)

You ready?

Arliss, I can't believe we're retiring a player's jersey

before he's ever played a game.

Details, details.

He's happy, the fans are happy, your boss is happy

And I'm lucky.

(sighs)

Arliss, what does TBD Mean?

To be determined.

That means if you like 20, it'll be 20 up there.

If you like 30, it'll be 30 up there.

But one thing you can be sure of,

Arliss Michaels made your dream come true.

(sighing)

(bell ringing)

(chuckling)

At least we're rid of her.

Yeah, 'til next year.

Hey, how much?

Oh.

$50.

Okay, hop in.

(cheering and applause)

Peanuts, peanuts!

Arliss (narrating): Mi nobre es Arliss Michaels.

Yo represento athletes.

Y estes son mis historias.

Adios!

♪ ♪