Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

And one, two, three, four, go to formation, seven, eight...

Bah, bah, round, bah, shoulders, release!

And one, two, three, four...

Arliss: There's an old saying, what you see is what you get.

I find that to be true.

With rare exceptions.

One, two, three, four and hit!

I love it.

It's in.

Have a great night, girls.

Dancer 1: Yeah!

Dancer 2: Woo-hoo!

Tick, tock, tick, tock...

I thought the party started at seven.

Well, seeing as I am the host,

I thought we should get there early.

Oops, um, okay.

Give me 10 minutes to shower.

What woman showers in 10 minutes?

A professional.

This is for Elton Brand, chairman of the backboards.

And this is for the future Mrs. Brand?

Wait, what, I can't hear you, Arliss, what'd you say?

I said, is this for the future...

Wait, wait, wait, we gotta go, music's kinda loud...

So, you can imagine, I had to change it immediately.

But it was so ugly.

I mean, not as ugly as the other thing...

She's been trying to get me to change the team's uniforms.

Have you seen them?

Their color is a pale shade of vomit.

Tell her, they're traditional.

So is not making the playoffs.

Ow.

Here you go, Jameson neat for my favorite NBA owner,

and Cristal for his much better half.

Arliss, uh, this is a fabulous party.

You really should entertain at home more often.

Trust me, he wants something.

Wants something?

You guys speak five times a day, every day,

for the last 10 years.

What could you possibly talk about

that you haven't already talked about?

Um, our trip to Hawaii,

our Tuesday poker game,

how he cheats on his handicap?

Good evening, Mr. Scott, Mrs. Scott.

Meredith, I believe you know Bobbi Gelson.

I don't recall...

We've met.

I'm the team choreographer.

Oh, yes, you took over for Kat.

(sighs) I miss Kat.

Her routines were so...

creative.

I... I believe dinner's ready.

Arliss: Dinner? Shall we?

Bye, bye. Bye, bye.

Shelly, thanks a lot.

How do you know which keys to hit?

You leavin' already?

Yeah, we would stay later, but you know,

the boss doesn't want me to stay out late during the season.

Who is that? I'll have to have a chat with him.

- Later, Mr. Scott. - 'Night, Elton.

All right. Good night, Arliss. Thanks.

- Good night, Elton. Good night, Seneca. - Seneca: Good night.

Good night, Arliss.

Uh, look... look... look. I want to talk to you about Elton's deal.

I knew it. Whenever you hear Arliss Michaels say

"It's not about business," you can be sure...

Together: It's about business.

How long is this gonna take?

Well, that depends on your husband.

He says 90 million, you're in the car right now.

Arliss, I can't make a commitment like that.

What if I can structure it in a way that you can?

Okay, you two wanna horse-trade all night, fine.

I prefer to sleep.

Good night, darling.

I'll send Joey back to pick you up later.

Arliss, dinner was delicious.

Oh, thank you.

I guess you're back into brunettes.

Good night, Meredith.

Hmm?

I'm sorry.

Shh.

Get a room!

Oh, my bad, that's what you checked in here for.

'Night, kids.

Hang on, Arliss.

Hey.

Thanks for running interference.

I owe ya one.

No, you owe me three, strokes next week at Riviera.

Hey, Mr. Scott.

Get over here, you owe me a couple of strokes, too.

Good night, Arliss.

You were a wonderful date.

As were you, my dear.

Good night.

Arliss: Sometimes appearances can be deceiving.

The key is to keep searching

until you find what you're looking for.

Jesus Christ, what are they givin' away today?

Two spots?

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oops!

(phone ringing)

Good morning, Stanley.

Kirby!

Guess what I did this weekend?

Finally beat your iMac at chess.

No, something much sexier.

So, I go to Vegas.

And I'm playin' Let It Ride.

That's a sucker's game.

Yeah? Well, this sucker's up 40 grand!

Jesus.

I reach a crossroad.

Do I cash out, or do I keep goin'?

Keep going, you're playing with house money.

I cashed out.

I figure now is the time to make...

The big move, to do something really impulsive.

You spent it on hookers and blow?

No!

Take a gander at this...

Two hundred and sixty-eight horsepower.

Full leather interior.

Four-speed Geartronic automatic transmission and...

Ahhhhhhhh! Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-ohhhh!

Somethin' wrong?

(applause)

But while the current administration's

calling for less government control,

they are blatantly trying to dictate what a woman

can and cannot do with her own body.

And that's bullshit!

All right, Ricky!

That's right! You keep your laws off my body!

(chanting) Keep your laws off my body!

Sponsors don't like controversy.

We lost Frito-Lay, Minolta, K-Mart...

Works for me.

Actually it doesn't. You're losing a ton of money.

I make a ton of money.

Ricky...

Arliss...

when I believe a line judge makes a wrong call,

do you support me?

Absolutely.

Then support me off the court, too.

My contracts are negotiable.

My beliefs are not.

This was the work of a deranged mind!

Some sick, pathologically perverted miscreant!

Oh, people suck!

Why do people suck now?

Oh, some asshole rammed into Stanley's new car!

I deliberately parked away from everyone else.

With ample buffer room.

I'm gonna find the asshole who did this!

Oh, God, yes, I mean, we'll get him!

Me and you, buddy.

Yeah, this guy's goin' down!

Awwgh!

Senor-Rita.

Got something for you.

This check's for PETA,

And this check's for Paul.

McCartney.

He's doing a little animal rights benefit, so...

Oh, great.

Ricky, you are the only one who puts his money

where his mouth is.

Speaking of which,

some more speaking requests have come in.

The Gay and Lesbian Center want you to present an award...

and, um... we can talk about the rest later.

Okay. I'll be at the Castillian Club

around 7:00. So, just mention my name when you get there.

Okay. Okay, bye.

You've got a speaking request

in my office, now!

Keep him outta your causes.

They're his causes, Arliss.

I just happen to agree with them.

Well, why do they all have to be hot-button issues?

I mean, what about computer literacy?

Then I can get him a deal with Microsoft.

You should be glad that for once

we have an athlete with a social conscience.

He's not just taking,

he's giving back to the world he's living in.

Well, how about giving back to the world

this office is living in?

A lot of time and energy

went into those endorsement deals.

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

One moment, please.

Lamar.

Poof!

(door closing)

I do hope none of my towels are missing.

She's somethin', ain't she?

Uh, so much so, she deserves better than you.

Yeah, she does.

But, in the meantime, mind if we use your place again tonight?

Again? Uh... Look... Look... Look, Lamar...

Arliss, you know I can't go anywhere public.

My wife's friends are usin' the condo

and Bobbi's roommate works in the front office.

Do this for me.

I love you, buddy, but, um...

don't make me feel like a pimp.

You're an agent.

A pimp'd be a step up.

Thanks.

(dial tone)

(heavy rain falling)

Brrrrrr...

And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.

Whoaaaa!

Oh! Ar... Arliss, I'm sorry.

I'll... I'll be done in a sec.

It's okay, it's okay, take your time.

Oh... I hope you don't mind, Lamar gave me the key.

No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

Is he here?

No, not yet.

He's at some gallery opening.

So, honey, how was your day?

Not bad. Only lost about $100,000 in commissions.

And yours?

Mmm, rehearsed our new routine.

It's very street, we're gonna kick butt.

Zip me up?

Mmm, you smell good, what is it?

(laughs) Nothing.

Bobbi...

by Bobbi.

(phone rings)

Jocks R Us.

Is she there?

What, no "hello"?

Guess who?

Hi.

Hi, baby.

Sorry, this thing's running a little long.

Oh.

But I'll duck outta here soon.

I'm having some Thai food delivered.

Mmm, sounds yummy.

I miss you.

Miss you too. Bye.

Buy a girl a drink?

Mmm... that's delicious.

- Uh-huh. - Usually I'm not a fan of Spanish food.

Oh, it's not Spanish, it's Basque.

What's the difference?

Well, what's the difference

between northern Italian and southern Italian?

Oh...

Both: A lot.

Yeah. A lot.

(yelling)

(laughing)

Ooh... who's he?

That's my friend, Carlos.

But you're out of luck.

He's leaving the country tonight.

That's enough for me.

Oh... what time tonight?

I guess I won't need a drink at the airport.

What time's your flight?

11:00, but I gotta go now.

All right, man. Take care.

Adios.

Bye.

When's he coming back?

Soon... I hope.

Have you ever had Izarra?

No.

What a collection.

The Wallflowers, Dean Martin,

Patsy Cline...

"Fiddler on the Roof"?

Yeah, well, I played Tevye in college.

I played Tzeitel.

You were Tzeitel?

There weren't any Jewish girls in Brazos, Texas.

I guess Irish was good enough.

To Anatevka.

Tovarish.

L'Chaim.

(thunder crash)

- Mm! - Whoa!

Whoaa!

Reminds me of the time Lamar and I are at Pebble,

and we got caught in an electrical storm.

And the sonuvabitch won't quit

because he's two holes down to me.

Funny, when Lamar tells the story,

you're two holes down to him.

Well, to tell you the truth, one of us is lying.

Mmm, this is good.

You like it?

Yeah, what is it?

Uh, chateau de party leftovers.

From the vineyards of tres de jour.

Oh, nice...

You know, Lamar talks about his friend Arliss Michaels

all the time.

- Really? - Mmm.

What does he say?

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

He says you advised him not to marry Meredith.

Nearly cost me a friendship.

Learned a valuable lesson.

When it comes to matters of the heart,

keep your mouth shut.

So, uh, what about Arliss Michaels?

How come he never got married, huh?

Haven't you heard? All the good ones are taken.

Lamar says he's gonna leave her, you know.

I know what you're thinking.

No, I mean... you and Lamar

are together now, what, uh, six months?

You think it might work out?

♪ Please don't talk about love tonight ♪

Show time!

♪ Please don't talk about sweet love ♪

Awww.

♪ Please don't talk about being true ♪

Wouldn't think of it.

♪ And all the trouble that we been through ♪

Not we, darling, I...

♪ Please don't talk about all the plans that we had ♪

♪ Of fixin' this broken romance ♪

♪ I want to go where the people dance ♪

♪ I want some action ♪

♪ I want to live ♪

Maria!

♪ I got so much to give ♪

♪ I want to give it ♪

♪ I want to get some too ♪

Join the club.

♪ Oh oh oh oh I I love the night life ♪

It's your turn now!

Oh, that so, dear?

Oh?

♪ On he disco 'round, oh yeah ♪

Oh, we're dancing.

♪ Oh, I love the night life ♪

♪ I've got to boogie on the disco 'round ♪

Take it!

Party, party, whoo!

Arly McBeal.

Let's go.

(thunder crashes)

(laughing)

Whaaa!

- Fred and Ginger! - Ohhh!

♪♪

♪ Oh, I love the nightlife ♪

♪ I've got to boogie ♪

♪ On the disco 'round, oh yeah ♪

- (doorbell) - (gasp) Finally!

Baby! Kiss me!

Uh, normally, I would prefer a tip,

- (laughs) - but money isn't everything.

- Thank you, here. - (phone rings)

Oh... I'll get that.

Arliss Michaels' residence.

Hey, where are you?

The food just got here.

Oh.

Sure, I understand.

Okay.

Bye.

He's not coming?

I guess that goes with the territory.

Hey, look.

We've got Thai food.

Why don't you pull up a chair,

and... let's have some dinner?

Oh, thanks, you know, um...

I think I'm just gonna go home.

No, no, no no, stay, stay.

I can't eat all these spring rolls by myself.

I have, like, I've got a lot of work to do.

Tweaks on the new routine.

Thanks, Arliss.

You're a good friend.

♪ I hold your hand, babe ♪

♪ When your playground's empty ♪

Oh, Jesus.

Kirby!

Ahhhh! Oh, God! What are you doing?

Seen anyone suspicious?

No, no. I just wanted to see if he hit any other cars.

He won't. This guy's not a serial hitter.

This was a premeditated act against me.

Maybe it was just an accident.

Come on, an attack this sophisticated was planned.

But don't worry. We're gonna find him.

Okay.

Just you and me, buddy.

- Just you and me. - Yeah.

Arliss...

Ever tried this drink called Izarra?

Oh, it's this liqueur made from wild flowers

from the Pyrenees.

Oh! Those wild flowers make one wild drink!

Fascinating.

What have you got?

Oh, uh, Ricky wants to do a PSA

for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

Great! There goes the Zima account!

Arliss, the man has principles.

Shouldn't he be allowed to voice them?

No!

No, life's not that easy.

Sometimes, no matter how much things suck,

you just gotta keep your mouth shut.

Meaning what?

Meaning...

nothing.

(sighs)

Arliss!

Did we have lunch planned?

No, no, I was in the neighborhood, so, I thought I'd...

Listen, thanks for entertaining Bobbi last night.

I couldn't escape.

I gotta tell you, when you didn't show up,

she was plenty bummed.

I know, three hours with you. I'll make it up to her.

She thinks you're serious about her.

I am serious about her.

Oh, like you were serious about the weather girl,

the masseuse, the yogi...

This one's different.

Lamar, you know it's not gonna work out, so, why do you...

What are you so worried about?

If you don't want us to use the house anymore, fine.

That's not it. I mean, what about Meredith?

Sooner or later she's gonna find out.

If that day comes, I'll deal with it.

That's not what I mean.

- What do you mean? - I mean I...

I'm sorry, I just don't like it.

These girls have been rehearsing this routine for a week.

They're performing it tonight.

No, they're not.

It's too ghetto.

It's dance. It's my interpretation.

I'm not gonna pull it.

I think you are.

With all due respect, Mrs. Scott,

this is not your decision.

Oh, it isn't?

Let's get outta here.

Lamar? Lamar, honey.

Would you remind this employee of her position?

Yes... what exactly is my position?

Uh...

Let's take this back to my office.

Arliss, I know she's your girlfriend,

but she's overstepping her authority.

Me? You wouldn't know a dance step from a doorstep.

Bobbi, don't make it personal.

I think it's very personal.

Okay, here's what we'll do.

We'll postpone the routine for tonight

and re-evaluate it later.

That's not acceptable.

Maybe we can find the middle ground.

Sorry... I'm tired of being in the middle ground.

Bobbi...

It's over.

Good riddance.

Let's go, sweetheart.

Ray Lewis: That's an African elephant.

Kirby: Really?

Yeah.

Do you know the difference between an African elephant

and an Indian elephant?

Location?

No.

The African elephant has big ears.

Oh. (laughs) Listen, uh, Ray,

um, how much longer does this go on?

Only about two or three more hours.

(elephant cries)

Kirby?

Can I see you outside?

I found the...

stapler I was looking for.

Oh. Yes, um, Ray,

keep it goin'.

Uh, I'll be back in just a minute.

But, definitely keep it...

Stanley: That's it.

That's the one.

I measured that scratch on the bumper.

Left side, same width,

Same height.

That's the perpetrator.

Now, sweet justice!

What are you planing to do?

Don't worry.

I took out full collision coverage.

Oh... Wait, Stanley.

Th... There's something I should tell you.

Fasten your seat belt.

We're in for a bumpy ride.

- Yee-hah! - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Aah!

(laughing)

Ow, Stanley, fuck!

That's right, fuck him!

Fuck you, buddy! You and me, buddy! You and me!

My neck!

Oh, fuck!

No, no no no, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

(thud)

Shit!

Those motherfuckers knocked my car.

Go! Go, go, go!

Hey, they hit my damn car!

Did anybody see who hit my damn car?

Jesus Christ!

Yesterday in San Clemente,

local beach-goers discovered a California gray whale

that had beached itself.

(music playing) ♪ I love the night life, I've got to boogie ♪

♪ On the disco 'round, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, I love the nightlife, I've got to boogie ♪

Woo!

Hey, Travolta!

I'm trying to get some work done.

- (lowering music) - Ooh!

- Do you mind? - Mind?

I don't mind.

I don't even mind if Ricky joins the ACLU

and hands out condoms at the high school prom!

Whoooo!

Have you called Lamar back yet?

I'm not callin' anybody back today.

I'm dancin'! Whoo!

Oh... Ooh!

News anchor: And now, a look at our top stories of the hour.

A possible disaster was averted today

in the Basque region of Spain

when a would-be terrorist's plan went awry.

His homemade explosive detonated in his car,

killing him instantly.

The individual, Carlos Salazar,

was believed to be a member of the Basque ETA,

a terrorist group fighting for independence from Spain.

Carlos?

I miss his laugh.

Carlos had a great laugh.

Yeah, he did.

Ricky, did you know?

I know I lost a friend today, yes.

No, I mean about...

See this?

It's Picasso.

His recreation of a town

that lost its independence when Franco bombed it.

2,000 innocent Basque civilians killed.

Carlos was very passionate about his people.

And you, Ricky?

Are you passionate about his people?

I help lots of worthy causes.

With words,

with money,

with...

I help lots of worthy causes,

including yours.

Mine don't include terrorism.

Terrorism?

Carlos thought himself a freedom fighter.

The same way the Israelis

thought themselves freedom fighters.

The same way the Palestinians

think themselves freedom fighters.

The same way the colonists in America

thought themselves freedom fighters.

This is not the same thing.

Why, 'cause you don't agree?

Or should I only help the causes that you agree with?

Innocent people don't die in my causes.

Now, some people might disagree with that.

For in America, we have that right.

Are you equating terrorism with abortion?

I'm defending freedom.

(door slamming)

(whistling)

(doorbell)

Hi.

Hi, Arliss.

Um... oh... you left this.

Oh, thanks.

I wanted to see how you were doin'.

Oh... I'm... I'm good.

Actually, I'm great.

Come in.

You are great.

I mean, um, I don't mean to say

that I'm happy about what happened.

But, um, you know, like you were saying, the two of you,

um... I mean, that was some scene on the basketball court.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

The important thing is that, uh, we can get on with the rest of your life.

Hey, Arliss, where the hell you been?

Been trying to call you.

He came to check up on me, isn't that sweet?

I'm glad you're here.

So, do you wanna tell him or should I?

I left Meredith.

What?

She's not the one I love.

So, I guess we won't be needing your place anymore, huh?

(laughs) Well, Arliss, what do you think?

♪ Time after time ♪

I'd like to thank you all for coming.

Particularly my pal, Arliss Michaels,

our host, who warned me

that if I continued my senseless behavior,

I might lose my lovely bride-to-be.

And for that dose of truth, I'll be forever grateful.

Thanks, Arliss.

Guests: Hear, hear.

Arliss: There's an old saying, "What you see is what you get."

I find that to be true...

with rare exceptions.

Thanks, I'm proud to help win this Davis Cup for America.

You know, uh...

sometimes I talk too much and piss people off.

But... you know, sometimes, I don't know,

I feel in my heart it's the right thing to do, so...

And sometimes no matter how much things suck...

you keep your mouth shut.

USA, baby, right here!

Oh...

mash me a salmon puff.

You and me, buddy. You and me.

Aaaah... gah!

♪ Showing you ♪

Miss?

♪ And time after time ♪

♪ You hear me ♪

Hi, Tevye.

Hi, Tzeitel.

Was that true?

Was what true?

You warned Lamar?

I guess.

What did you say?

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

Hey... don't steal my girl.

Arliss: The great comic, George Burns,

Was once asked,

"What's the secret to your success?"

"Sincerity," he replied.

Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Hey, Arliss, check it out.

What?

Check her out.

Yeah.

Do your boy a favor, all right?

Keep my girl busy while I go talk to her for a minute.

(chuckles)

♪ And time after time ♪

♪ You'll hear me ♪

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ To be loving ♪

♪ You ♪

♪♪