Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But, for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ It doesn't matter where you go or what you do ♪

Okay, he goes around the field once,

gets the plaque, and that's it. They know.

No speech, no interviews, no autographs.

They know.

He has to be home in time to watch "Bonanza."

A whole day in his honor,

he might as well wave from a plane.

Excuse me, Sid Perelli left a slaughterhouse,

during the depression,

to become a three-time MVP, nine-time All-Star,

not to mention recipient of the Purple Heart,

and Distinguished Service Cross.

He didn't just define baseball.

He defined a generation.

Yeah, well, now he defines a pain in my ass.

(organ music playing)

Hey, Sid, man, they're begging for you!

Are you ready?

♪ ♪

I'm not going out there!

You're what?

Sid: They got me riding around in some

shitty little yellow Ford.

No, Henry Ford was an anti-Semite,

and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to be

photographed in one of his cars!

Rita, we need a different car.

GM alright?

Uh, red?

Sure.

Place is packed!

Did I get the Pops-a-lot people

to put on a day in your honor or what?

My daughter tells me

the popcorn hasn't shown up yet.

Should've been delivered to the house a week ago.

They're in breach of contract!

Rita? Popcorn, I'm on it.

(door creaks open)

Mr. Perelli, as requested.

(crowd noise, organ)

I'll take that.

Good turnout, huh?

Ha ha, well...

(chuckling)

I hit three home runs to beat this club in the '49 series.

(chuckling)

Well, I guess if you live long enough,

they'll forgive you anything...

Right, Arliss?

Right.

(chuckling)

Rita: So, two pallets to Sid's house by tomorrow afternoon.

FedEx is fine.

UPS is fine.

Getting it there is fine.

Fine, bye.

Four years of college and I'm working on a popcorn clause.

(chuckling) Don't feel bad.

Got my MBA,

I still work for my father.

Licorice?

- Oh, no, junk food goes right to my butt. - Ha!

How do you nosh all the time and stay so thin?

Fast metabolism, I guess.

See, Chevrolet, that's the way to go.

You know? Nice American car like this, good Chevy.

Listen, you go once around, you stop for no one.

I don't care if the pope himself is there, you don't stop.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

Okay, ready? Let's do it!

Hold it.

Announcer: world's greatest snack, is proud to welcome...

Forget something?

Announcer: Most Valuable Player, five-time batting champion,

America's greatest living player,

"Slaughterhouse" Sid Perelli!

(crowd cheering)

Crowd: Sid! Sid! Sid!

Go!

(car starts)

(laughing)

Arliss: It's been my experience that the bigger the star,

the easier they are to deal with.

As great as they are on the field,

they're even greater off it,

making my job a joy.

(sigh)

(hip hop music)

Y-you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Somebody answer that phone.

♪ ♪

Our guy needs a nickname,

something catchy.

Well, how about Leonard "The Stench" Jones?

Ever since he broke his nose, he can't smell.

Ha, wanna bet?

(chuckling) Hey.

Oh, here he comes, I'm heading upwind.

Hey, what you guys doing here?

Hey, you ready to go on, "Boxing After Dark?"

"HBO Boxing After Dark?"

Somebody answer the phone!

Bobby Bookie broke his toe jumping rope. (coughing)

They want you to fight Chalupa Chavez.

We have to be in Albuquerque Thursday night.

Right on, right on. Wait, you going too, Stanley?

Oh, no, no, damn it! I, uh, I gotta work!

Somebody get that phone!

Wait, that's it!

Get the phone.

Leonard "Get the Phone" Jones!

"Get the Phone" Jones...

"Get the Phone" Jones, yeah! Wait!

Wait, wait, wait. He-Hello? "Get the Phone" Jones here.

Hello? Hello?

Mmm, America's fastest popping popcorn.

Yeah, well, enjoy the aroma while you can.

You'll be traveling with B.O. Plenty. Ha ha ha!

Rita, some Sir Pops-a-lot?

I won't ingest anything with that man's face on it.

Arliss, try the working man's lunch!

Kirby, I need Sid's bobblehead prototype now! What's the delay?

What's the hurry? We just signed him.

He's not going anywhere.

Unfortunately. I'm his fourth agent in five years.

I don't want him wriggling off the hook before...

Before what? He drives us all to drink?

♪ ♪

Do you know what separates

the good agents from the great ones?

Their client list. Who they represent.

So, with that in mind, riddle me this,

who makes the best clients?

Family men!

Religious guys?

The ones who pay their commissions on time.

Wrong, wrong, and sorta wrong.

Who makes the best clients?

Dead clients!

They don't call you from jail, they never renegotiate,

and they can't fire you!

That's why you signed Sid?

You're waiting for him to die?

Of course not. That would be ghoulish.

But, the man is an 80-year-old smoker, so...

Oh, that's cold!

And it's ruining Sid's buttery goodness.

I'm not killing anybody!

But, if someone should happen to pass away,

AMM will already have in place

some highly profitable, irrevocable,

very long-term deals.

Ergo, while Sid is still alive,

we will treat him as the living legend he is.

With honor, with dignity...

And bobbleheads.

Exactly. Kirby, get on this.

I need Sid to sign off on that doll right away.

I can't! I'm taking Leonard Jones to Albuquerque.

Not anymore. Stanley, you do it.

No, no! No way!

Have you been within 10 feet of Leonard?

He smells like low tide on a hot day!

Fine, put him in first class, you can fly coach.

Okay, team? One, two, three, break!

♪ ♪

Here you go, nice and shiny!

$20,000 for the prototype?

For 20,000, it should blow you!

Kirby: Alright, Wally, I'm up against it.

I need it by tomorrow.

30,000!?

Oh, you son of a bitch! I'm gonna remember this!

(sigh) Okay, 30 thou...

What'd you do that for!?

You need dolls?

I can get you dolls.

Kekee: Ichiro.

Wow, that's good. That's real good.

He made this?

This man is an artist.

Hiro Narayama is the Rodin of bobbleheads.

Yeah, can he do Sid?

Hiro!

(speaking Japanese)

"Slaughterhouse" Sid!

(Japanese continues)

What's he saying?

He said it would be an honor.

His father saw Sid play in Japan.

Can he do it by tomorrow?

(speaking Japanese)

(Japanese)

Damn it -ayo!

(Japanese continues)

He says not before noon.

Okay, deal! How much?

(speaking Japanese)

(Japanese)

12,000.

12? He held up 10 fingers!

10 means 12 in his country.

Stanley, my man. This has AM, FM, XM,

Call waiting, call holding, call holds...

Ah, but does it have internet capability?

(elevator bell)

This motherfucker will check your email.

♪ ♪

Big Stan!

Oh, "Get the Phone" Jones, meet John Salley.

Hey, how you doing?

How you doing, brother?

Oh, my God.

Okay, Stanley.

"Get the Phone" needs to get a bath.

Bye, John.

John Salley!

Oh, hell, no!

(sigh) Stanley, man,

why you messaging me airline tickets?

Uh, because we need to be in

Albuquerque day after tomorrow.

No, no, no, no. (coughing)

"Get the Phone" Jones don't fly.

You don't fly?

But, don't worry! I got another idea.

Chugga chugga chugga woo woo! Chugga chugga chugga woo woo!

Woo woo...

(horn blaring)

Sorry we don't have another room.

You gentlemen should be comfortable in here for the night.

Yeah, this is nice! This is real nice.

Thank you.

Hoo hoo hoo!

Just me and you, big Stan.

Ho ho. Me and you! Me and you...

I'm just gonna...

Hey, I gotta do some sit-ups, man.

Come on. Hold my feet!

Ah!

Gotta get tight.

Woo!

Arliss: Sid, you back here? It's Santa Claus!

Ha ha!

Bringing gifts!

Sid: What kind of gift?

From T-shirt sales at "Slaughterhouse" Sid Day.

Oh ho!

(laughing)

Hmm, nice.

Burberry, huh?

Yes, I got them for opening a mall in Seattle.

The, uh, the polo shirts from the ESPYs,

and these golf shoes come from a tournament,

for a disease that...

I can't remember the name of,

probably because I have it.

(laughing)

Woo, quite a stash!

♪ ♪

Oh, wow, oh, wow...

Most Valuable Player in 1939...

1940, 1941.

What happened to '42?

Where's my...

Where's my '47 medal?

Syd! Sydney!

Sydney!

Where the hell are you?

What happened to my 1947 All-Star medal?

Oh, that one's been missing for a long time, Dad.

What!? No, it c...

What'd you do to your hand?

Oh, I burnt it on the teapot.

What a stupid thing to do, my God...

Now, you just see that it doesn't get infected!

I'll help with the tea.

♪ ♪

Hey Sid, nice clubs, titanium graphite...

Stay away from those clubs, don't touch 'em!

Sorry, Sid. (chuckles)

I'm the same way about mine!

(grunt)

Two pallets of popcorn, buddy.

Hey, Mr. Perelli, you know,

I'm half-Italian, half-Jewish, just like you.

- Uh huh? - Yep.

Until your father met your mother,

he didn't know he could get pasta wholesale, huh?

(laughs)

And listen, Joe, you watch your guys.

I've had lots of stuff grow legs around here.

Okay, Joe?

Sid, I want to buy you some lunch.

I want to talk to you about your legacy.

I want to talk to you about bobblehead dolls.

What?

A signed, limited edition bobblehead doll.

It's a license to print money.

Uh, uh, no, I... I've seen Yogi's.

He looked like Mussolini.

Yogi looks like Mussolini!

(laughing)

(coughs, gasps)

Oh... (coughs, groans painfully)

Oh, God!

Oh, oh! Oh...

You okay?

Yes. Yes, I'm okay!

Uh...

Listen, I forgot something back there.

Uh, uh, you go...

I'll meet you at the car. Go on!

Sure.

(quietly) Shit.

(crooner song on radio)

Is this you?

Yes.

That's the only picture of mother in the house.

Dad doesn't like unpleasant memories.

How's your hand?

Stings a little,

but you gotta play hurt, right?

Can't be easy being gal Friday to a living legend.

Ha... It's a living.

You don't smoke, do you?

Um, sorry. (sigh)

Good for you.

I should quit, but when my dad starts bellowing,

the nicotine keeps me cranked, you know?

Oh, I use my Starbucks so much,

they have a "Rev-It-Up Rita" on the menu.

(laugh)

I've gotta go get some butts.

Oh.

I didn't get a chance to hit the ATM today.

Could you spot me 100?

How much?

I, I need to get some things.

Of course, of course.

Here...

I have 80?

80's good.

Pay you back Friday.

No problem.

Sid: So, Gil gets arrested,

for having this party girl up in his hotel room. (chuckling)

And the press have a field day with that!

And for that one stupid moment,

he was branded a whoremonger.

Well, I made up my mind up then and there,

never let the press get anything on me.

Which is why you have an impeccable reputation.

You know, about those dolls, Sid.

I really think that this is a home run,

trust me on this one.

You'll have final approval...

(kids playing)

Pull over here.

Here? Yeah, yeah, pull over here.

(grunt)

Sid: Time! Time!

You're just swinging a bat up there!

You're not thinking!

Sid: You gotta think about what you're gonna do.

You know what separates a good hitter from a bad hitter?

His mental approach to the game.

You gotta be mentally tougher than your opponent.

You gotta focus on the game situation.

Who's on base, how many outs, what's the count?

And then you look at the pitcher and see,

what's his release point?

What's his best pitch?

What did he get you out with last time?

Sid: And above all,

only swing at a pitch that's in the strike zone.

Understand?

And tuck your shirttail in.

You may not get a hit,

but they'll remember you look like a schlub.

What you look like

tells a lot about you.

Are you Sir Pops-a-lot?

Sir Pops-a-lot is a brand of popcorn.

This is the greatest ballplayer that ever lived,

"Slaughterhouse" Sid Perelli.

(dour music)

Umpire: Play ball!

Mm-hmm.

That kid just got a lesson he'll never forget.

If you're going to work for me,

there's something you've gotta see.

(indistinct chatter)

Sid: Some namesake, huh?

And my dad worked in the slaughterhouse his whole life.

Used to come home splattered with blood,

smelling like rank meat.

My rookie year, some stupid flak found out.

He came up with "Slaughterhouse" Sid.

It's been with me for 60 years.

Never knew you didn't like that name.

(chuckle)

"Slaughterhouse" Sid?

Why, might as well have been,

"Ike the kike," or, "Vinny the guinea!"

Jesus...

One good thing did come out of it though.

I learned how a piece of meat was treated.

And that's a very good thing to know

if you're in professional sports.

Oh, c'mon, Sid. People love you.

Aw, they love me.

They love "Slaughterhouse" Sid.

That's fine.

If they want me to be that guy,

they're gonna have to pay me to be that guy.

(chuckle)

(coughing)

Sid, Sid, you okay?

Yeah, yeah, fine, fine!

(coughing)

Oh.

Those goddamn dolls better look like me.

What do you say I buy you a salad?

(chuckling)

(horn blaring)

(snoring)

♪ ♪

(farting)

Damn, Stanley! Show a little class, brother!

Oh!

(traffic sounds)

Has the limo picked your father up yet?

They left about five minutes ago.

He's really curious about his bobblehead.

(dramatic music)

Oh, hey, how's your hand?

Oh, it's, it's, it's fine.

Thanks for asking.

(smoking sound)

Oh, I'll get your money to you Saturday.

I'm switching banks.

Whenever.

Bye bye.

Bye.

(phone hanging up)

♪ ♪

"Sir Stick Up His Ass" is on his way over.

You know, his daughter asked...

Kirby! Where the hell's that doll?

I don't know! Kekee should've been here by now!

This was your responsibility!

Sid's gonna be here any second.

And tuck in your shirt, you look like a schlub.

What's a schlub?

Here it is! Nice and shiny.

You're gonna love it. The guy is a master, Arliss.

Kekee: You should see his Ichiro.

And now that we got the prototype,

we can make them for a buck a piece.

This better be great.

(gong sounding)

What the hell is that!?

Who the hell is that!?

Sid... Perelli.

Sid Suzuki, maybe.

It sorta looks like him, with jaundice!

I don't find this funny!

Although, thinking of Sid's reaction when he sees this,

maybe I do.

Yeah, Arliss! I mean, maybe he'll just

- drop dead right here! - Oh! Good one.

Hey, show some respect.

You're talking about Sid Perelli.

You're the one waiting for the old fart to die!

Sid: Arliss? Sid?

What the hell kind of organization you run around here?

Nobody out here to greet me!

Rita: We're all in here

admiring your new bobblehead doll!

Oh, yeah, is that it?

No! No! No, I mean, yes! But it's, uh, just a prototype.

I mean, don't worry, it's a great likeness,

but the, the artist is, uh, dyslexic,

and he's got you batting left-handed!

Must think I was Williams or something.

(laughing)

I want this whole thing to be perfect.

Sorry to make you come all the way out here.

Let me drive you home.

Well, this is the last time you're going to get me

to ride around in a German car with you.

You're an American. Support America!

What you drive says a lot about you.

You know, Sid, uh,

I've been thinking about getting a Cadillac.

You know, one of those old Fleetwood Broughams,

the ones with the big tail fins.

- (chuckling) - Remember those?

(explosion)

Damn! Call the fire department.

♪ ♪

- Where you going? - Inside!

Inside... Operator: 9-1-1.

Fire at 10 Lloyd Lane!

It's Sid Perelli's house, hurry!

Come on, Arliss! Follow me, c'mon!

Shouldn't we wait for the fire department?

No, no, no, goddamn it, c'mon!

(explosions)

(popcorn popping)

Get in here, Arliss, damn it.

Sid, you're not going in there!

Damn right I am. Right back to the end!

- This is crazy! - Go on!

Jesus. Don't push me!

I'll push you all the goddamn time I want to!

Get in there!

Okay, okay! I'll get the plaques!

Forget about the plaque!

Come over here, and get this bag!

Oh, Sid, c'mon. Everybody's got a lucky putter, but be real.

Ah!

(strained grunt)

Holy shit!

Now, get your ass over here!

(explosion)

That one, too. This one, too.

Arliss: Shit.

Oh, my God!

Sid, I don't think this is a good idea.

Oh, God. Move, Arliss, move, damn it!

Goddamn. Don't push me, don't push me!

- Goddamn it! - (cough)

I can't breathe!

The buttery goodness is choking me!

Oh, don't be such a goddamn pussy, Arliss!

Move now, go, go!

Don't push me!

Go!

So, you're okay?

Uh-huh.

At least the firemen put it out before it spread.

♪ ♪

Sydney!

Sydney?

It must've been my cigarette that started the fire.

Oh God, if my father finds out that I'm responsible,

he'll... he'll lose it!

I'm not worried about your father right now, Sydney.

I'm worried about you.

I'm fine.

You almost burned down the house.

It was an accident!

I, I just need, uh...

I, I need a minute.

Burnt your hand, missing trophies, borrowing money...

You're not kidding anyone, Sydney.

You need help, you need professional help.

Sydney...

You know my name isn't even Sydney.

It's Sharon.

But, I was supposed to be Sidney Junior,

so my mother nicknamed me Sydney with a "Y,"

clever, huh?

(sobbing) I...

hate being "Slaughterhouse" Sid's daughter.

(sobbing)

At least when I'm high, I don't have to be.

(sob)

(indistinct chatter)

Goddamn vultures.

Arliss: Okay, Rita...

Arliss, find out who's responsible for this.

I want to press some charges, by God.

Uh, Sid, just got off the phone with Rita.

We need to talk.

Sydney!

Where the hell is Sydney?

We got a lot, a lot of work to do here.

Well, that's what I need to talk to you about.

It's, uh...

Sydney!

How well do you know your daughter?

Why, what kind of a question is that, for Christ's sake? Sydney!

Do you know she has a problem?

Oh...

Son of a bitch.

Now, she swore to me she'd quit.

It's okay.

She's checking herself into a rehab center.

What?

I deal with this all the time.

Don't worry, she'll be well taken care of.

No, no, no, get her out!

Sid, you don't understand. She's sick, she needs help.

She started the fire getting high.

Well, then get her the hell out of there,

before the press get a hold of this!

♪ ♪

Sid, I know having a daughter in rehab looks bad,

but people understand.

I mean, you'll gain their sympathy.

Sympathy? I don't want sympathy!

Sid, listen to me...

No, you listen to me.

I won't have a daughter who is a junkie.

I worked too goddamn hard all my life,

to have some crap like this ruin my reputation.

Sid, it's your reputation I'm thinking about.

Remember the story you told me about Gil and the party girl.

How the press took that one little moment,

what they did with it?

Don't let this be your moment.

You stay out of my business.

I'm your agent.

Your business is my business.

This is your daughter.

I don't have a goddamn daughter!

And I don't have an agent anymore either.

Get out of my hou... (coughing)

Sid...

Sid? Sid. Sid?

Get out of my house, damn it! Yah!

Out of my house!

♪ ♪

(sigh)

(crowd cheering)

Announcer: Jones, popping the jabs.

Chavez with a big counter right hand.

Doesn't faze Jones.

Continues to stick the jab.

Chavez ducks under a left hand,

and now they wrestle in the center of the ring,

- (gasping) - and Chavez taking punishment.

Chalupa goes down, on his back!

Not really sure what caused that.

Must've been a body blow.

But, get the phone!

His fight is over,

(gags) in a sudden victory for "Get the Phone" Jones.

Arliss: Some agents only embrace

the wafting bouquet of the victorious.

♪ ♪

Some agents only embrace clients in the here and now.

Not me!

I embrace clients from here to eternity.

Arliss, Yogi Berra on line two.

Yogi, thanks for returning my call.

Arliss, they said it was urgent. What's up?

Just checking up on you.

I heard you were feeling under the weather.

Nothing serious, I hope...

No, I'm fine.

I'm at my museum.

Nobody comes here anymore, it's too crowded.

(laughs)

That's good to hear. How's Whitey?

Arliss: Time and again, I've witnessed the profound impact

that the truly great ones have

on those who are fortunate enough to know them.

(door opens)

Woman: Sharon?

Sharon?

We're starting the meeting now.

Arliss: If you ever get to see one of the immortals,

take a closer look.

They are different from the rest of us.

Their achievements are epic,

their talents, extraordinary.

Their gifts, God-given.

But, although they walk among us,

in truth, they stand alone.

Announcer: greatest living player, "Slaughterhouse" Sid Perelli!

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪