Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: It's not by accident that Major League Baseball

is nicknamed "the show."

Giant media companies are now buying

professional sports teams.

They understand that both sports and media are entertainment.

Luckily, as an agent,

I'm welcome wherever I go.

Sorry, players only.

Oh, this is Arliss Michaels.

Nicky Nash's agent. He gets in.

If you say so, Mr. Wharman.

Sorry, Mr. Michaels.

It's okay. You're new.

Going to see number one son?

Three for four, one dinger,

when are you gonna extend his contract?

When it expires in four years.

Nicky is your best player.

He puts asses in seats.

Without a new contract, he's liable to get...

disgruntled?

You know, as general manager,

this extortion would be easier to take if we hadn't just lost.

The Mouse expects the same results from your team

that they get from theme parks and dalmatians.

You got a gun to your head, Eddie boy.

Ahh, it's a movie studio. Fake bullets.

- Bullshit. - (chuckles)

Hey... you comin'?

Uh, in the middle of a four-game losing streak?

Max gets a little testy.

Fellas?

I said no, man.

Just a little sound bite, anything.

I said no.

Arliss.

Hey, hey, hey.

Arliss Michaels.

Mudcat Burrell,

how is the voice of Anaheim?

This is nice.

Look, will you do me a favor?

Get me an interview with Nicky.

Oh, I'm sorry, he's not talking to the press

until his contract is extended.

C'mon, Arliss, I'm not gonna rip your guy.

I've been in the game 25 years, I know the drill.

And that's what makes you the popular broadcaster that you are.

So...

just spoke with Wharman,

he's not movin' on the extension.

Might have to win a few games first.

I guess.

What's wrong?

Nothin', I'm just frustrated.

Well, sure, you're losin', but you're playing great.

Yeah? Tell Max.

Guy's in my face, "Step up, be a leader."

Why is he bustin' my balls?

Hey, speakin' of balls,

did you hear about the guy with the five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

(both laughing)

Oh, my God, hey guys, come here, you have to hear this.

Unbelievable.

(laughter)

This guy's dick was so big, it had a knee in it!

(laughter)

What the fuck is so funny?

Did any of you notice we just got our asses kicked out there!

Hey, sorry, Max, it's my fault.

I thought a little levity might help.

You thought.

Arliss and I were just talking business.

I don't care about Arliss and you or your contract.

I care about winnin' ball games.

Fine. Hey, let me tell you about the...

Get out.

I said, get out.

Yeah.

Sure.

You know, maybe you should eat some bran. (chuckles)

Hey, Max, one more thing..

(laughter)

Now, that's funny.

Arliss: Awash with new opportunities,

the union of media and sports

leaves me dripping with enthusiasm.

Sean Palette doesn't act the part.

See, Sean Palette becomes it.

When I agreed to play Jimmy the Closer,

I knew I had to study an agent.

I had to learn how to eat, drink, sleep, piss, shit agent.

My focus... is on you.

Well... first of all...

(phone rings)

Hold on.

Yeah.

Test screening went well, yeah, good, uh-huh.

Keep me updated.

Got a film comin' out,

"Ragin' Pilgrim", Oscar buzz all over it.

You know, you'd think that after gainin' 40 pounds for "Gandhi in Love",

the fuckin' Academy woulda nominated me last year.

But what the fuck? It's the same fuckin' Brits every year!

But fuckin' enough about me, I wanna know about you.

Well, uh, the first thing you need to know is...

Kirby.

Lennox Lewis, line one.

Watch...

this is how an agent recruits.

Lennox! Hey!

Yeah, guess who I'm hangin' with?

Sean Palette.

Sean Palette? No way, he's brilliant.

He says you're brilliant.

I know. I know.

Well, listen, why don't the, uh, three of us get together sometime?

Yeah, we probably have a lot in common.

Like what?

Well, I'm a heavyweight agent.

Sean, I just wanted to say

I adored "Gandhi in Love,"

and I can't believe everyone in the film was nominated but you.

I don't sweat the past. I look to the future.

Well, if you really wanna understand sports agents,

you have to go through an executive assistant.

So to get to know this place...?

Just phone.

You know how to phone, don't you?

Just put your finger on the button...

and push.

Well, right now, I'm trainin' for a fight,

so maybe you and Sean can come by the gym.

Okay, Lennox, goodbye.

Do that again.

What?

The phone, the phone, hang it up again.

Do it again.

Do it again.

(sniffing)

I can still smell it.

$2,000 suit, and it smells like a fucking creamsicle.

I could send the bill to Max.

Oh, no no no no...

Max is gonna pay a much heftier price.

Oh, I've seen that look before.

That prick embarrassed me in front of my client.

Big mistake.

When somebody fucks with me,

I don't stoop to their level.

I go one notch lower!

You're going to the brass?

Oh, I'm not gonna get my hands dirty.

I've got another plan.

Knock, knock. I got your message.

Mudcat, come on in. Rita, would you excuse us?

- Hey-hey-hey! - Hey!

Hey, thanks for comin'.

Hey, I heard you took a little shower last night.

Oh-ho, well, I'll tell you what,

if that's what it takes to light a fire under the team,

it'll be worth it..

Well, that and a little better pitchin' might help.

As usual, you're right.

Uh, listen.

I spoke to Nicky, and I'm gonna try to set something up.

An exclusive.

Great! Great.

- Thanks, Arliss. - My pleasure.

Hey, let me ask you another question.

You still interested in managing?

Does a beaver have a flat dick?

(laughing)

Maybe I can help set up an interview.

An interview?

Another interview.

Man, I had three interviews last year,

two interviews the year before that.

I'll probably have three more this year.

And you know where I end up?

Right back behind the mic.

And it could get worse.

I could try for general manager.

And then I wouldn't even get the token nod.

Mudcat, you know that team better than anybody else.

Make that a little clearer in your broadcasts,

and the manager spot just might open up.

What exactly are you sayin'?

Behind that mic,

you are the eyes and ears of the public.

They know how things are going

because you are telling them

how things are going.

That studio Max works for is very media sensitive.

Enough people say he stinks...

he stinks.

So you're saying...

you want me to second guess Max over the air,

make him out to be a bad manager?

Just call 'em as you see 'em.

I'll make the rest happen.

Remind me to never pour Gatorade on you.

If the money's not there, the player's not there.

You're not listening.

You're not listening.

You're not listening. You're not listening.

Uhh, I lost you.

I was improvisin'.

Some actors work from the outside in.

I work from the inside out.

Oh... sounds good.

But, an agent would never hang up. Let the buyer do that.

Not Jimmy the Closer, see, he's a man of action, not reaction.

Kirby, look, I need to g...

Sean Palette!

Hey, nice to meet you.

Do I know you?

Look at me. Do I know you?

Arliss, this is Sean...

Uh, Jimmy the Closer.

Uh, and this is Arliss Michaels,

founder and head of the agency.

Is that so? Is that so?

Uh, Kirby, look, I need the number for Torre, Dierker,

- Bob Brenley and Buck Martinez's deals. - Is that so?

All four, why?

Because each of 'em went from the broadcasting booth

to the manager's office, and I need comparables.

Look at me when I'm talkin' to you.

Yeah, uh, look, I... I gotta run, um...

Hey, great meeting ya, Sean.

- Huh? - Uh, Jimmy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's it? Max is going to the bullpen already?

Oh, my goodness.

Max may have gotten out the hook a little early.

Well, I... I would have let, uh, Schoenweiss finish the inning.

Arliss: I support the media, and its First Amendment rights.

I think Piniella outfoxed him.

Because Max allowed Erstad to steal, first base opened up.

Max must know somethin' I don't.

He just took the bat out of the hands

of his best hitter.

Arliss: It's the responsibility of the press

to be fair and impartial.

His club is tight... pressing.

If I were Max,

rather than extra batting practice,

I'd have none.

Arliss: Without agendas.

Yeah, uh-uh...

Michaels. Well, well.

I guess you're too old to run to your mommy,

so you ran to Mudcat.

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

You know, I once asked Lasorda

what the toughest part of managing was.

- You know what he said? - What?

Dealing with the media.

Well, Tommy was great at it, a gentleman.

Well, maybe he should've included agents

in that statement.

Ooh, getting defensive, are we?

You don't know the first fuckin' thing about managing.

A manager doesn't hit, he doesn't pitch. I could put up

my best batter I've got, and what if he hits a frozen rope

right at the third baseman?

Oh, manager must've fucked up.

Or what if my pitcher busts a batter on the inside

and breaks his bat, but the ball dinks over

to first base for a base hit?

I guess the manager doesn't know how to run a ball club.

Manager's job is to create favorable matchups.

Well, let's see how you match up against Arliss Michaels.

I don't have to match up against you.

I'm still the manager of this ball club.

Huh?

For, uh...

how long?

Have a nice day.

Eddie: Arliss, what is this bullshit?

I thought we were discussing Nicky's contract extension.

Now, I'm thinkin' 11 years, a quarter of a billion.

I'm not firing Max because he dumped Gatorade on you.

His 500 season is dousing your career, Ed.

Max Scanlon is a solid manager.

The Mouse only knows reviews and results.

The buck is gonna stop somewhere.

Now, would you rather it stop at manager or general manager?

Why don't we ask your boss?

Shit, CEO.

Uh, Mr. Levitz.

Hey, Ned.

- Uh, Ed. - Right.

(clears throat) Um, Craig Levitz, this is Arliss Michaels.

He's, uh, Nicky Nash's agent.

Pleasure to meet the Minnie of the Mouse hierarchy.

Thanks. And the fans love Nicky.

- Maybe they'd stay past the fifth if the team could hold the lead. - (laughs)

Well, maybe it's not the players, maybe it's the motivator.

I don't know, something's gotta change on that team.

Hope it's not the star player.

What's he talking about?

Uh, Nicky's contract extension.

See, I don't understand it.

Your studio pays Jim Carrey $25 million for one performance.

Well, Nicky'll give you 162 performances for that.

I mean, wouldn't you wanna tie up Mel Gibson

to an 11-year deal?

The man makes sense, Ed.

Make it happen.

Uh, I gotta take this.

It's Dustin. That means drama.

I got a nine-figure project, he's tying it up,

because he doesn't like the caterer.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Dusty!

I make sense.

Let's get it done.

Oh, but...

with one small caveat.

Well, when the hell's he gonna review it?

'Cause I need some Oscar buzz goin' on here!

- Lennox, hey! - Hey.

Thanks for invitin' us down.

- My pleasure. - This is, uh, Sean...

Let's just cut right to the chase.

Are you gonna sign with me or what?

Because there ain't no better agent than Jimmy the Closer.

- What's he talking about? - Um...

Yes or no?

Yes or no what?

Yes or no?

Has he been hittin' the pipe?

He... he's in character.

Well, right now he's in my face,

and I don't like it.

You look at me when I'm talkin' to you.

Is it yes or is it no?

It's no, and I don't wanna see

none of you wankers around here again.

Wait, no, no, no, no. Lennox, don't go, I...

Are you, crazy?

I've been working on him for two years!

Yeah, clients, they come and they go,

but Jimmy the Closer, he's always there.

(phone rings)

Hello.

I worked two years to get to Lennox Lewis,

and that egotistical, self-centered

son of a bitch blew it!

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels Management.

It's Jimmy the Closer, put Kirby on.

Hello, Jimmy.

I'm not here, I'm sick.

I... I died!

Kirby's not in right now.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, I need to know when me and him are gonna get together.

Hang on one sec, Jimmy.

What's he want?

He wants to meet Kobe,

see how you handle basketball players.

No, no way! No! No way! No!

Kirby's sick today, Jimmy.

But I'd be more than happy to help you flesh out your ideas.

Yeah, all right, I'll be there at six sharp.

Maybe 7:00, 7:30, 8:00.

(beep)

It's almost a done deal.

Everything we wanted and more.

Orders from the big cheese himself.

Arliss, what about Max?

So long, Max.

Thanks for playing, enjoy your lovely parting gift.

Arliss, I don't want Max gone. (grunts)

- What? - I like Max, he's a good manager.

You hate Max.

Sometimes. But I like Max, too.

I know he busts my balls, but I need it.

Max is the reason why I'm having such a good year.

Whoa, whoa... h... hold on here, hold on...

you want Max to stay?

If you want me to sign an extension...

you better make sure Max keeps his job.

Understand?

Mudcat: Max Scanlon has juggled the lineup

and put Kennedy in the leadoff spot.

Hope he doesn't miss Erstad's speed at the top.

We'll be back for the first pitch.

Erstad's never hit Sele. It's the right matchup.

Let's hope not. Did you see yesterday's "Times"?

Yeah, Mudcat, um...

maybe we're pushing too hard.

You know, people are startin' to talk.

(chuckles) You bet they are.

Perhaps we're not bein' fair.

Fair?

Nothin' about my career has been fair.

But you said it yourself,

this was my best shot at managing.

And it worked!

What... wait a minute, wh... what do you mean, worked?

Wharman's having dinner with the big cheese tonight.

He wants to meet with me in the morning.

Wonder what about? (chuckles)

Wharman's having dinner with Levitz tonight?

Yeah.

Mudcat, uh, help me. I'm in a bit of a bind.

(chuckles) Shit.

I've been in a bind for 25 years.

Yeah, I... I... I know, but look...

you don't want a job by badmouthin' somebody.

You wanna earn it.

Arliss, do you know what a mudcat is?

Back in the minors, mudcats were guys like me who got the shit uniforms,

who got to go over the fence to fetch the balls...

Oh... "Hey, mudcat, no room for you in the bullpen,

"go warm up in the outfield.

"Oh, hey, mudcat, no screen for batting practice for you.

"Oh, hey, mudcat, go take that locker

down at the very end, next to the showers."

And I did. And I kept my mouth shut.

Earn it? I earned it.

And we're back, and the team is coming out on the field,

with the notable exception of Darrin Erstad.

I bet they're gonna miss his glove at center.

My goodness.

I think "The Widower" is some of Mel Gibson's

finest work to date, and although he loses his fifth wife in five films...

Oh, say it, say it again, say it again!

You're better than Mel Gibson. You're a better actor.

You're a better man.

Mmmmmm! Mmm!

What about Russell?

Russell who?

Oh, yeah! Mmm! Ohh!

We turn now to "Raging Pilgrim."

This much ballyhooed Sean Palette opus

largely delivers the goods.

Oh, yeah.

Go, baby, go!

Plunges into new territory for Palette.

Oh, yeah!

Unfortunately, Palette quickly loses steam.

His characterization here quickly grows soft.

Oh, no!

- It's okay, it's okay. - No, no!

Limps along to an unsatisfying climax.

- No, oh, no. - It's okay.

No, no, I can't, I can't, I can't.

Oh, it's just a review, it doesn't mean diddley.

You're so much better than Mel Gibson.

Oh, no! I can't do this, I can't get into it!

I can't find the right motivation.

I just can't... Ooh, there's my Altoid.

(sobbing)

Has Ed Wharman arrived yet?

Not yet.

Thank God.

Well, I don't give a shit,

you just tell that agent to go fuck himself.

Yeah, what?

I'm paying him $20 million to do this picture

and now he wants final cut?

Arliss Michaels.

I make sense, remember?

Listen, listen, it's a $150 million picture.

It is ready to go, and he's tying my hands.

Have you talked to Ed Wharman yet?

Tell me, is Bruce available?

- Look, it's about Nicky Nash's deal. - Shit.

This is not gonna get any better

unless we get another actor, another star to replace him.

You better find somebody fast!

Who are you again?

The answer to all your problems.

And you can be the answer to mine.

Is that so?

Kirby...

Sorry, jury duty.

Ucch.

Jimmy the Closer says hi.

Jimmy the Closer? Huh... I don't think so.

Hey, Jimmy.

Just the guy I'm looking for.

Is that so?

Listen, it's about time you studied at the feet of a master.

See how sports agents really work. Come on in.

The most important thing about being an agent...

is knowing where the action is.

Yeah.

And Jimmy the Closer, he's a man of action, action.

Of course he is.

And do you know what creates the most action?

Information.

Information is power.

Knowing what the client wants,

what the buyer needs.

I mean, it's... it's really no different in your...

Excuse me, Sean's profession.

I mean, for example, I heard today that Dustin dropped out

of the new Soderbergh film?

Great script, slam-dunk Oscar nomination.

Too bad you're not available.

But the point is, had you been available,

a good agent would get that information to you

as soon as possible, so you could get that part.

Gee, it's just too bad!

You... you would have been perfect!

In the revolving door of movie making,

Sean Palette has ankled "Jimmy the Closer"

and replaced Dusty himself

in the new Soderbergh pic,

"The Lazy Eye."

In it, Sean will play Danny Dombrowski,

a hard-boiled detective who struggles with glaucoma.

I asked Sean what drew him to the role.

I was attracted to the character of Danny the Dick

because even though he only has one eye,

he truly is a man of vision.

And I thought it would expand my vision.

Oh, well, nothing else is expanding,

I can promise you that.

Good riddance.

I hope I never see another actor again.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Kirby Carlisle.

Oh, my God!

You're Tom Arnold, right?

Jimmy the Closer.

Oh, no.

My focus...

is on you.

My f... brother...

my focus is on you.

Brother, my focus is on you!

We are announcing that we've come to an agreement

with Nicky Nash on a new 11-year contract extension!

(applause)

Nicky will be with the team for the remainder of his career.

We would also like to announce a two-year contract extension

for manager Max Scanlon.

We like Max and we feel lucky to have him.

Congratulations.

(quietly) Fuck you.

Finally, we would like to announce

that Ed Wharman is being reassigned to a new position

in the organization.

And our new general manager will be none other than

the long-time voice of the team,

Mudcat Burrell!

(cheers and applause)

Thanks for helping me out of that jam.

Oh, my pleasure.

First time I ever traded an actor.

Arliss: One entertainer stumbles, another takes his place.

The show must go on!

And I'm lucky to play a small part in that show.

Ohhh!

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent entertainers!

These are my stories.

Hit it!

♪ One day you're a pauper on the street ♪

♪ And no one knows your name ♪

Look, the buck stops somewhere.

It's not gonna stop with me.

I don't care how hot it is, get out there and quack!

But I'm a penguin!

We don't quack, we... we wobble.

Go!

♪ Congratulations ♪

♪ All in the life of an entertainer ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪♪

♪ Come lend me your ear, a recitation from Shakespeare ♪

♪ And if you find that a snore, how about some Cole Porter ♪

♪ Show biz, the wonder and the spectacle ♪

♪ There's nothing quite like the world's most delectable ♪

♪ Sensational vocation that comes with an ovation of applause ♪

♪ One day you're the toast of the town ♪

♪ And your credit extends for miles around ♪

♪ Next day, you're a stranger in the land ♪

♪ They've boarded up the theater and sent home the band ♪

♪ And you're back singing for your supper ♪

♪ But you'll never stop climbing that ladder ♪+

♪ All in the life of an entertainer ♪

♪ Ohhhh ♪