Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

The dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

It is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: They say the only difference between men and boys

is the price of their toys.

I say give a young athlete a few million a year

and he'll buy the toy store.

No, no, no, don't throw that,

it was just bottled!

(cheering)

Ah, relax, chief, I'm not gonna drop it.

Whoa! (laughs)

See, that's why they call him "Rounder,"

Both: 'Cause he's always 'round the ball.

Swine! You philistine!

Hey, relax, it's only grape juice.

(laughs) And a new $30 million contract

buys a lotta grape juice, right, Kirb?

(laughs) C'mon, Rounder,

you're gonna give your vintner a heart attack.

My vintner, my winery,

My house guests.

You glad you came out for the weekend?

Yeah.

Hey... let me show you my new ride.

You just got a Lamborghini, what new ride?

(laughs) They came with the house.

Yeah. I might get some bison, too.

You think I should get some bison?

Did you see that?

That horse just winked at me.

Oh, that was weird.

That's Winsome Fire Dancer,

or some classy shit like that.

(laughs) Watch this.

Here, sweetie, hello.

Hey!

What do you think you're doing with that?

I'm gonna feed my horse.

Your horse has been fed.

And if you gave her all that grain, Rounder,

she would die eating it.

Hi. I'm Royce Taylor, I'm head caretaker.

Kirby Carlisle.

This is my niece, Callie.

She likes to visit, and see the horses.

Hi.

Owning a horse is not like owning a car, Rounder,

it's a live animal.

I don't like your attitude.

You... work for me.

C'mon, Kirb, I'll show you

where I'm gonna put my lake. (laughs)

Nice meetin' ya.

Arliss: I help my clients attain the finer things in life.

Because if they're happy, I'm happy.

Why aren't I gettin' endorsements?

Maybe it's because of your record?

Hey, my record is clean!

Seven arrests, no convictions.

Why aren't I gettin'...

Endorsements?

I see Kevin Garnett sellin' sneakers.

I don't see me sellin' anything!

All I see is...

Silver and gold, black and blue.

Captivating! Tanya, I can't understand why Nike didn't sign you.

Medals, my chains,

my prisons, my pain...

In an age of marketing,

One must find ways to market each individual.

Endorsements!!

Luckily, we only accept clients

of high personal character.

Welcome to the Sports Broadcasters Society Awards.

I'm Gary Miller,

and I'm honored to be your host tonight.

Lesley, Jen, you guys are first up.

Arliss, I can't believe you sat two clients

competing for the same award at the same table.

Why not? They're both professionals.

And you certainly weren't gonna spring for two tables.

Dick, it's okay. Jen and I can be friends and competitors.

Absolutely. But if you win, you die.

Now, to present our first award of the evening,

for outstanding sideline reporting,

former all-pro quarterback,

and now one of our broadcast colleagues,

Sonny Willis.

- Sonny? - (applause)

Thanks, Gary, I appreciate it.

What is this, your husband's presenting?

Yep, and I told him I don't care

whose name is in that envelope,

if he doesn't call out mine, he's not getting laid!

The nominees for outstanding sideline reporter

are... Jill Arrington, CBS.

(applause)

Eric Dickerson, ABC.

Lesley Visser, CBS.

Now you're talking.

And Jen Peary, Fox.

(sighs)

(applause)

No favorites.

And the award goes to...

Oh, thank God.

Jen Peary, Fox.

- Yeah! - (applause)

Congratulations.

(laughing)

Congratulations.

Ooh.

No wonder we didn't win.

I'll kiss her if you want.

No!

So proud of you.

I love you.

Oh... thank you.

Oh, Lesley, it's true!

See?

(laughter)

Thank you.

Excuse me. Could I have some more, please?

He does have that smoldering Russell Crowe thing

with a smidge of Freddie Prinze Jr.

Right now, I'd settle for a smidge

of Freddie Prinze Sr.

Are we restless tonight?

Oh, please, I haven't had a sexual drought this bad

since the first Bush administration.

Honey, do I have the guy for you.

Is he single?

Single, loyal, and always available.

Just add batteries.

Trust me, Rita, you won't even want dinner and a movie.

Hmm...

does he have a name?

Mr. Friendly.

Hmm...

Bobby, why won't you have Dart on the show?

I mean, he's got a very interesting story.

Yeah, Arliss, I'd like to,

but it's a little bit difficult

to carry on a conversation

with a man with obscene cheek tattoos!

Okay, what about Jay Jay?

I mean, Bob, it's a new show,

Why not have a little controversy?

Oh, sure, right, first question.

Jay Jay, do you prefer the handcuffs

in front or behind your back?

Fascinating, I'm riveted already.

Okay, I'm sensing hesitation.

What about Tanya?

You mean the rhyming Miss Militant?

When she talks, the audience walks.

Bobby, I have got to get these three some television exposure.

Do it for me!

Arliss, even HBO has its limits.

None of these people are comin' on my show.

None of them! Good luck.

Bob...!

Shit!

So, we're playin' the Rams,

We're up 17 to nothing,

Look downfield, nobody's open,

so I take off.

And I'm working sideline.

And I see her, and I could slide,

but I think, what the hell, she's cute.

No, you didn't!

Boom, I crash right into her.

Knocks me flat on my ass,

The big galoot's on top of me.

Hey, I'm no fool.

To top it off, he cops a feel

while we're lying there!

That's when I knew he was the man for me.

Just call me a hopeless romantic.

That is so funny.

(laughing)

Arliss?

What? Yeah, oh, that's hysterical.

Pay attention.

How can I pay attention?

I got big problems right now.

Relax, these two are a hoot.

They can put a positive spin on anything.

Any good agent can rely on observation.

The greats, however, rely on inspiration.

Guys, guys... tell me another story.

This is fresh wallaby steak from Australia.

Ah, yes, now, the piece of resistance,

Chateau Rounder, 2001.

You'll note that my face is on the label.

(chuckles)

So, a toast.

To money.

What good is it if you don't spend it?

(laughs)

Guests: To money!

Ugh... Ugh!

(mumbling)

Another round on Rounder.

(chuckles)

God!

Ohh!

Hey!

(neighing)

If Rounder tries to feed you any of that wine,

you run.

You like horses?

Oh, I like bettin' on 'em.

That's a special one, right there.

Here.

Give her this.

- Uh, no, no. - No, go ahead.

Put it in your palm, hold your hand out flat.

Whoa. (laughs)

Here you go, Fred.

I call 'em Fred and Ginger.

Ginger, huh?

It's too bad your buddy doesn't know jack shit

about horses.

He's just a client.

With enough money to burn a wet mule,

and less sense than a Confederate dollar.

He's a new client.

This place has been my home for 15 years.

Otherwise, I'd quit in a heartbeat.

(neighing)

What does she want?

(chuckles) What every woman wants,

attention.

Yeah?

Hello, Mr. Friendly.

Talk to me, big boy.

Oh...

(moaning)

What the hell is that thing?

Um, a massager.

For, um, uh... oh... Oh... uh, my neck.

Oh, ow, God, my neck is so sore.

Oh, let me see that.

My neck's been giving me fits.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah... you mind if I keep this?

- Uhh... - Get yourself another one, on me.

Look, any messages?

Jen and Sonny invited us to dinner.

Oh, perfect! Ask 'em if we can bring a third.

Ah-ah! And get me Dick Clark.

Dick, I'm telling you, they're naturals.

Arliss, two jock announcers talking after dinner's one thing,

but can they handle their own show?

Absolutely! They're funny, good natured.

And who's a better producer for them than you?

This wine came from Rounder.

Shh.

All right, Arliss, I'll be there,

but don't get your hopes up.

I mean, uh, TV's a tough business.

Dick, this is gonna make you number one with a bullet. Eight p.m.

Yeah, all ri... I'll be there, good-bye. Yeah, yeah.

If you can't bring Mohammed to the mountain,

you bring the mountain to Mohammed.

Which Mohammed? We have a bunch of them.

Rita, I've got a fistful of clients

who've become endorsement lepers.

I need to clean 'em up.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking an AMM client car wash.

Somewhere to hose 'em down, wipe off the schmootz,

and make 'em nice and shiny.

How are you gonna do that?

By putting them on Jen and Sonny's new TV show.

I mean, you said it yourself,

these two can put a positive spin on anything.

I mean, can't you see it?

Jay Jay, coming on with puppies,

showing his sensitive side.

A vulnerable Dart, showing his artistic vision.

Tanya saying whatever the hell it is Tanya says.

It's an opportunity to book all our problem clients,

and bring them one step closer to marketability.

I'm telling you, it's...

A client car wash.

Oh, how do I come up with these ideas?

Uh, ooh... this is good.

I may come.

(laughs)

Give him a cold and my big, tough football player

becomes a wittle baby.

Hey, I like staying in bed and being waited on hand and foot.

My hand and foot.

My cold.

- (both laughing) - You're right. They're good.

What did I tell you?

Go ahead, ask him.

A... Ask me what?

How do you stay so young?

I have a theory that there are more than one of you.

You know, like Lassie?

(both laughing)

One Dick Clark dies, another Dick Clark replaces him.

Sh-sh-sh, you got the secret, but don't tell anybody.

I'm sorry, I gotta run.

Oh, Dick, you must stay.

Arliss, (quietly) I'll start talking to the networks

about the show.

What show?

Arliss didn't tell you?

Oh, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, you... you better get goin' here.

You probably got the American Music Awards, some blooper show.

Hey, "New Year's Rockin' Eve" isn't that far away, is it?

You know what? They're charming. Call me tomorrow.

You got it!

Jen/Sonny: What show?

Jen, this show is gonna cross you two guys over

into a whole new area.

I mean, I'm not talking about a sports show.

We're talking about a morning show.

That's beaucoup bucks.

I don't know.

I do!

I mean, it'll be positive, uplifting, good natured.

Think about it.

I'd rather think about you, Arliss.

- So, Rita... - Hmm?

How's, uh, Mr. Friendly?

Mr. Who?

Mr. Friendly.

Any sparks?

Actually, um... he's seeing someone else.

Then he's a fool.

- Look, honey, Arliss brought wine. - Oh, ha-ha!

I was just trying to explain to Jen

how this TV show would be great

for the two of you.

For lots of people you know, too.

Oh, let's not talk business now.

Let's give old Rounder a try.

Right, honey?

Mmm, you bet.

Mmm...

I think we should go.

Five minutes.

Okay, five minutes.

So, here's to great friends.

Ohh!

God, that sucks!

What's this shit called, anyway, cha-blach?

Oh, maybe caber-not!

Guys?

There's only one antidote I know of.

Oh, my God, "X"?

"X"? As in Ecstasy "X"?

Oh, Arliss, you're gonna love it.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, I... I don't think so.

C'mon, Arliss, loosen up.

Look, guys, guys, let's talk about the show.

Take it.

It'll relax you.

And then we'll talk about the show.

You promise?

Okay, but you're gonna have to tell me what to "X" -pect.

(laughs) Rita, you don't have to take it.

I wasn't gonna let you take it alone.

Good.

Great.

Five minutes.

Rounder, we don't need to see the horses run tonight!

What do ya say? Wanna see my horse run?

Crowd: Yeah! (cheering)

Let's all go back and see how many people

we can get into the hot tub!

What the hell is goin' on here?

- Joey! - (whinnying)

Rounder: C'mon, pops, let's have some fun!

(gunshot) Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Give me that!

(loud neighing)

You asshole!

I couldn't hold him back, he stepped in the hole.

Nooo, it's not your fault.

Is the break bad?

What's goin' on, Kirb. Is he hurt? What?

Kirby: He's...

I... I... I don't know... what?

Nooo!

- (gunshot) - What the fuck did you do that for, man?

You just shot my horse!

Fuck...

Kirb?

I don't know...

Ginger, your buddy's gone.

Yeah, I know you're gonna miss Fred.

I could've stopped him.

You understand I had no choice but to shoot him.

I'm not blamin' you.

You did what you had to do.

The guy's not a horse owner, Mr. Carlisle.

It's just a matter of time

before something happens to her.

She's his property.

And that's just the problem.

He thinks of her as property.

Oh, this pole feels so good.

This pole feels so good.

Oh! Oh, uh, this feels so good,

what is it, suede? Huh... take it off!

Oh! Oh, your skin feels like...

butter or something.

Jen, this is one hell of an opportunity.

(growls like a cat)

Five minutes?

Five minutes.

Okay, I can get you a helluva deal.

We can shoot the pilot in... in two weeks.

You'll get a new wardrobe.

When you're hot, you're hot.

God, you've got oral skills.

Five minutes. Five minutes.

'Morning.

- Messages? - On your desk.

- Coffee? - In the conference room.

That wasn't a dinner party,

that was a goddamn orgy, for chrissakes!

You couldn't see over the couch, right?

No, but I could hear.

Jesus, I had no idea Mr. and Mrs. America

were swappers!

Technically, they're swingers.

Who the hell cares? Rita, we had sex with clients!

Hey, Arliss!

Jay Jay!

Hey, great news!

You're going on the hottest talk show,

- "Get it Up with Sonny and Jen"! - (nervous laugh)

That's good. But listen.

My wife and I wanna have you two over to the house,

For dinner.

- Us two? - For dinner?

At your house?

Yeah, it'd give us a chance

to get to know each other better.

I'll call you. Pick a night.

Oh, my God, the word's out!

You think he knows? How could he know?

How could he possibly know?

You heard him, didn't you?

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels.

Hi, it's Sonny.

- It's them. - (gasps)

Yeah, hi.

Mind if we come over to the office?

Sure. Sure. Bye.

- They're comin' over. - (gasps)

Joey said there was a commotion.

What kinda commotion?

Where's my horse?

Somebody took my damn horse.

Wow, she's gone.

Yeah. It was probably that caretaker.

You know, he doesn't like me.

(moaning)

Oh, I don't think it was him.

(moaning)

What the hell happened?

I couldn't stop 'em.

Who?

Animal rights activists, I guess.

They stormed the barn, took Ginger.

Wait, they were on my property?

They heard about Fred and the wallaby steaks.

People that love animals sure hate you, Rounder.

Fuck, I don't need this shit.

Oh, man, this place doesn't seem to be workin' out for you.

Huh... no kidding.

Dead horses, shitty wine,

pissed off activists.

Have you ever thought about another hobby?

I mean, a restaurant, a disco, galleries?

Chicks love galleries.

Yeah. Yeah!

I'll collect some of those Monettes,

or some of the stuff by the guy that drips the paint,

uh, Jackson Browne.

Somethin' with fuckin' class.

I'm gonna dump this place. (laughs)

Arliss...

Be professional.

Arliss!

Hey-hey-hey-hey! Welcome, welcome.

C'mon, guys, why don't we all go in my office?

Rita, hold all calls.

I'd like to talk to Arliss alone.

Alone?

I'll stay and talk to Rita.

Alone?

C'mon.

Close the door, Arliss.

Uh, look, Jen...

if this is about last night,

let me assure you that I've had all my shots.

Arliss, we have a problem.

Look, I don't know any other way to say this,

but I, for one, was way out of line.

I mean, I know we're a full service agency,

but full service has many different...

Arliss... we don't wanna do anything

to jeopardize our marriage.

Oh, believe me, neither do I.

We did it once. We shouldn't have.

It just didn't work.

I didn't think so, either.

Not that we're not fond of you both.

And, boy, what a meal!

Arliss, you did a great job.

Thank you. I gave it my best shot.

But we just can't work together anymore.

Can't... wh... you mean I'm fi...?

Wait-wait-wait-wait, ho... hold on.

I know what happened last night shouldn't have happened,

but i... it was Rita's fault! Rita!

Sonny and I tried working together on a show once before,

and it nearly broke us up,

so we're going to pass.

Wait... wait a minute. Back up, back up.

What are we talking about?

The TV show. It would spoil everything.

You're not gonna do the TV show?

Our time apart makes our time together more...

special.

If you know what I mean.

The costuming, the staging,

the guy playing Simba was incredible.

I was gonna go,

but Arliss gave my tickets to Randy Moss.

You know, and it's not just for kids, it's for everyone, I...

"Lion King", right?

How'd it go?

Fine. Bye, Rita.

Bye.

Later.

Arliss: Unbelievable.

What happened? I want details.

Unbelievable.

Tell me, tell me, tell me!

Get Dick Clark.

They don't wanna do the TV show.

My car wash just got washed out.

Shit!

What happened?

They won't work together.

They'll fuck other people together,

but they won't work together, unbelievable.

So I take it you're not going over tonight.

Over where?

Never mind.

Wait a minute!

They invited you back, didn't they?

They might have mentioned... something.

They invited you back and didn't invite me?

I'm not going, of course.

Well, why wasn't I invited?

What, was there some kind of secret orgy etiquette

I didn't know about?

Excuse me.

I... I mean, sure, I was a little fast, but I was drugged!

Arliss: Webster defines a toy as an amusement,

a pastime, something of little importance.

I disagree.

Dick Clark: All right, this is the moment we've been waiting for.

That big ball's about ready to drop.

And it's ten, nine,

eight, seven arrests, no convictions!

Six, five, four, three,

two, one, voice trying to be heard.

Celebration! Frustration!

Happy New Year, have a great one!

How do I do it? How do I do it?

As an agent, I pride myself

on bringing people together.

To make them feel comfortable,

to help them settle in.

Working side by side,

hand in hand with my associates.

Together, we anticipate any situation

that might arise.

Remember, nothing is more satisfying

than the warmth of a friendly face.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Arliss: Ooh...!

♪♪