Original subtitles

(dramatic music plays)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

(shouts)

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

- ♪ ♪ - (water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

(duck whistle)

Is duck hunting legal in Utah?

It is on my land.

(duck whistle)

- W.S... - Shh!

Duck hunting is very special.

You have to find a secluded spot

where the duck will feel safe.

Utah is wonderful.

It's got everything...

except... a hockey franchise.

I see.

Well, the NHL's talking about expansion.

I don't have time for expansion.

What do you think of Edmonton?

What do I think of Edmonton?

Ask me what I think of all of Canada.

Alright, what do you think of all of Canada?

I hate it. It pisses me off.

Between the extra taxes, the stupid anthem, the weather,

the "oots," their "aboots," the "eh's," the "soorys."

I could very well live without it.

You think "Gillis Limogees" could live without it?

"Gillis Limog..."

You mean Gilles Limoges?

You heard of him? Your client.

Unfortunately, at 36 hours

we're gonna announce that Gilles has agreed to an extension

with Edmonton, in principle.

What if he changes his mind?

You want me to tell Gilles to renege on the extension?

The Edmonton Oilers can't survive

unless the bond issue for the new arena

is passed next week.

"Gillis" is the key to it passing.

No "Gillis," no bond issue.

No bond issue, no new arena.

No new arena, no more Edmonton.

Hockey comes to Utah.

♪ ♪

No more Edmonton.

Arliss: Every offer deserves a long, hard look...

Walcott: Fire!

Even if we don't always like what we see.

(singing along) ♪ I don't want anybody else ♪

♪ When I think about you, I touch myself ♪

♪ I touch myself ♪♪

♪ Oh, I look good, I look... ♪♪

(ominous music plays)

DJ (on radio): That was "I Touch Myself."

We all remember that golden oldie.

(screams) No!

(shouts) No!

It's arthroscopic surgery.

You'll be back on the field in two weeks.

No! (speaks Spanish)

He says he did not swim to America

to be cut up like a papaya.

He says American doctors don't know shit.

What specialista?

Caesar... (speaks Spanish)

Bruja, bruja!

Bruja.

What?

("I Touch Myself" playing in Muzak)

Arliss: Different people search for different things.

- (elevator dings) - I put the best possible face on any offer,

And let the client decide which one they find attractive.

Excuse me, ma'am.

(ominous music plays)

No, no, no! (yelling in Spanish)

If you don't find a doctor he likes...

- he's going to get a... - Rita: Oh!

It's al... it's alright! We'll find him one.

Okay, I know a very good doctor, a specialist.

Here, take this.

- (speaking Spanish) - Morning, ma'am.

(ominous music plays)

What do you mean Gilles incommunicado? Where is he?

- ♪ ♪ - In Jasper? In a cabin, painting?

Look, look, this is urgent.

I have to get to him before that press conference tomorrow.

Now, where is this cabin?

Every month a new piece of jewelry, huh?

And you want David Wells to be your spokesperson.

Stanley, I gotta talk to you.

No money up front,

but 20 percent of the profits?

Ah. Thank you.

I'll make sure David gets the offer. Yeah.

Uh! (whistles)

Wh... what was that?

"Flower of the Month" Online Jewelry

wants David Wells to be their spokesperson,

but there's no money up front

and only a percentage of the profits.

So, you threw it away?

It's an offer. What is the law?

Arliss, David is never gonna do this.

What is the law?

(sighs)

"No matter how big, no matter how small"...

Both: "An AMM client will always hear all!"

David, Stanley Babson.

David: Stanley.

Listen, would you be interested in being the spokesperson

for "Flower of the Month" Online Jewelry?

No, no money.

(David shouts) Are you fucking nuts?

What is "Flower of the fuckin' Month"?

Why are you wasting my time with this shit, Stanley?

Where's "Hollywood Squares"?

Where's my fuckin' movie?

You're a piece of shit!

I just wanted to present every offer. (chuckles)

(dial tone)

Listen, I gotta go to fucking Canada.

Jason Sehorn needs help picking out a plasma TV.

Help him.

Arliss! Arliss!

I want the anti-gravity firming eye-lifting cream,

the cucumber toner.

Rita, call Captain Sal.

Tell him we're flying to Edmonton an hour ago.

I thought you were going to Edmonton tomorrow.

I have to get to Jasper tonight.

Edmonton's the closest airport.

Jasper? What's in Jasper?

Gilles Limoges. Pack a sweater.

- You're coming with me. - What?

Lotion and spray.

And can you tell me about this vibrating mask?

Boss, I can't go.

Why not?

I gotta take Caesar to a knee specialist.

Well, don't stop for another $200 lunch.

- What? - If I may,

This is Mr. Carlisle's expense report.

On September 6th, a stretch limo.

- I had to take Dikembe to the airport. - For seven hours?

How about this?

$600 spent at Nipple Nudes.

Totally justified! Scouting trip.

I gotta find the best dancers in town.

Guys, I don't have time for this.

Why not? What is so important that you have to leave right now?

What's going on?

The silver navel ring, does that come in clip-on?

Great. Yes, have it all delivered.

Thank you.

Stanley: So, you're going up to Edmonton to steal their hockey team.

I am going to Edmonton

to present an offer to a client.

"No matter how big, no matter how small, an AMM client..."

Hockey is a religion in Canada.

You better not let anybody know what you're doing up there.

Gilles seems happy with the extension, so why...

Why? Because I don't give a shit about Canadians.

I don't give a shit about their fans.

I'm an American.

W.S. Walcott is an American buyer

who will move the team to an American city,

thereby creating hundreds of American jobs.

I'm doing my part for the economy. I'm a patriot.

What about your Mercedes?

That's entirely different.

Rita, did you get Captain Sal?

Arliss, just because you don't like hockey...

Not true! Hockey is my second favorite sport.

- What's your first? - Every other one.

Rita, are you getting hard of hearing in your old age?

Fuck you!

- ♪ ♪ - Arliss: If there's an offer for a client,

I'm ready to go anywhere, any time.

I'll go to the ends of the earth.

Will there be any other drivers besides yourself?

No.

Do you wish to purchase a full tank of gas?

(beeps)

Would you like to rent a cellular telephone?

- No. - (on phone) Walcott here.

W.S., Arliss.

I'm not catching you at a bad time, am I?

Nah, just me and a few hired hands.

Well, I'm up in Canada as we speak.

I'm gonna see Gilles in about four hours.

I want to present the offer to him face to face.

That's good.

Just be sure to get to him before that press conference.

- Call me. - Bye.

Do you want full insurance coverage?

"Soory."

GPS: Good morning. You are headed west.

The temperature "ootside" is three degrees centigrade.

"Oootside." "Oootside" my ass.

How far am I from Jasper?

GPS: You are 240 kilometers from Jasper.

Kilometers! This isn't France.

(French laugh)

No, no, English, English, English!

- GPS: Lower volume. No need to shout. - (phone dials)

Man: Here's the alpha-hydroxy, the toner,

the dry skin cream,

the prevent and correct cream,

and the jumbo jojoba.

Thank you. Let me get you something.

This stuff can't be for you.

Why do you ask?

Women don't need this until middle age.

You're a good five, six years away from that.

(ringing continues)

Arliss Michaels' office.

(phone beeping)

No, no.

- Hello? - Rita, talk to me, talk to me!

- GPS: You are "aboot" to run into a deer. - (alarm buzzes)

(screams)

(car crashes)

♪ ♪

(woman chanting in Spanish)

She's calling all spirits to remove all injury.

Now she's giving him something to put on the injury.

Holy shit, that's a liver.

Hey, don't touch that!

Some things are used for reasons other than healing.

(chanting continues)

Do you really think she knows what she's doing?

Oh, yes. She did my LASIK.

Arliss: Oh, God.

Oh God, forgive me for all the bad things I've done.

All I ask is you remember the good one.

Mom. Mom, there's someone in here.

Gilles. Gilles!

Mom. What's he talking about?

Gilles, you've got teeth.

I think this guy bumped his melon.

You okay, mister?

(door opens)

Yeah.

Think you can get out?

I think so.

Then get out. I got things to do.

Eric, give a hand here, eh?

This is why you always wear your seat belt.

You never know when someone like him comes barreling towards you.

Oh, look, a rental.

Yeah, I hope you took out the full coverage.

- Shit. - (clatters)

Do you have a cell phone on you?

Damn, I left it in the Jaguar.

(laughing)

Look, can you drive me to Jasper?

Jasper? No, no, you better see a doctor.

No, no, I gotta get to Jasper before morning.

It's my grandmother's birthday,

and I gotta get there before morning.

- I'll pay you $100 to get me there. - $100?

Mister, now I know you better see a doctor.

Wait, wait. $200... American.

Mom, $200?

The water heater needs fixing. (sighs)

Sure be nice to have a hot shower.

You pay for the gas?

Deal, let's go.

Mom, $200?

Not much of a negotiator, eh? (chuckles)

Oh, Kate Meredith, my son Eric Meredith.

Ar... Stanley Babson.

R. Stanley Babson.

So, where you from, Stanley?

Los Angeles.

The Kings suck!

- Eric. - They suck, they stole Gretzky.

If you're a Kings fan, you suck too.

Watch that mouth, buster.

Well, I assure you, I'm not a Kings fan.

In fact, originally I'm from the east coast.

The Rangers stole Messier. They suck most of all.

One more time, and you'll be licking the label

off that Irish Spring. "Soory" about that.

Quite an opinionated little scrapper.

Quite a smart mouth.

But, he's crazy about his hockey.

You like hockey?

It's my second favorite sport.

(pop music plays)

Oh, no. Excuse me.

This dude wants 15 grand for one of those flat plasma TVs.

- 15 thousand? Jason, that's a lot. - Yeah.

Yeah, so I only bought four of 'em.

- See you, Stanley. - Rita: Oh!

Oh, excuse me, ma'am. I'm sorry.

If one more person calls me "ma'am,"

I'm gonna hurt them! Understand?

Yes, ma'am... I mean, miss.

Not one word.

Good.

Because one word would not describe what I'm seeing.

(sobbing) Stanley, help me.

I'm too young to be old.

Stop, stop, stop this.

Aging is a perfectly natural process.

I feel very comfortable with it.

What? This is a choice.

Mm-hmm.

(sniffing)

- What is that? What is that? - Ew.

Oh, my god!

(flies buzzing)

What in the hell is going on?

We're changing Ceasar's dressing.

Holy shit, is that salmon?

- Salmon, sí, here. - (gasps)

What kind of quack did you take him to?

A bruja.

And he's walking much better now, thank you.

(speaks Spanish) I love your lipstick.

Oh, thank you.

My mother, may she rest in peace,

used to wear that shade just before she passed away.

She said it made her look younger.

Mira, mira, it's working!

Rita: Oh!

It's working. It's working!

It's working. It's working.

It's beautiful!

It's absurd!

God. It works. It works!

Kirby: Oh, my god, the bruja works!

Kekee, do you have a moment?

Oh, what is it you do, Mr. Babson?

I'm a... consultant.

What's that?

It's someone who's hired by somebody

to tell them what they already know.

That's usually bad news for the locals.

Ain't that about right, eh?

Mom, you're gonna miss the turn.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where we going?

Oh, don't get your boxers in a bunch.

We're just going to pick up a few things.

♪ ♪

Picking up extra cash.

Mister, "extra" is not a word in my vocabulary,

unless you count my extra shifts at the truck stop.

Breaks away. He's at the blue line.

He slapshots!

Goal!

What does Eric's father do?

You tell me. Haven't seen him since '93.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

He was a drunk, a druggie, a gambler...

and those were the good days.

Away again, and around, and around, and around...

Slapshot.

Goal!

Rita: Hello?

(bruja chanting)

Hello? Oh. (chuckles)

My name is...

(chanting)

Arlene Michaels,

and I have a friend who has a situation.

She's a big believer in...

alternative medicine.

(chanting)

You know, I don't think this is gonna be right for her.

She's a stickler for diplomas

and might want someone more experienced,

older, you understand.

I am 72 years old.

(whooshes)

You're 72?

Tell me more... Doctor.

(thuds)

How much further is it to Jasper?

Oh, "aboot" 100 kilometers.

- How far is that in English? - DJ (on radio): Our top stories of the hour:

The Canadian dollar continues to fall,

more film production arrives from Hollywood,

and Gilles Limoges expected to sign

a $30 million extension to stay in Edmon...

And just before the bond issue vote.

That's a shock.

You know what frosts my feet?

The team will give a player $30 million,

but they want the locals to foot the bill for the arena?

So, you're against the bond issue.

I don't like it.

- (wind blows) - (gasps)

That's seven, getting close.

Okay, get in, get in, get in.

- Okay. - (door shuts)

Oh, sorry. Bump.

(cans clattering)

Mom, the cans, we're losing 'em!

Oh, hells bells.

Wait, wait, wait, why are we stopping? Why are we stopping?

Wh-wh-wh-where are you going?

What? What?

Mom, there's another bag over there.

Let's get going. I'll make up the difference.

Around here, we teach our children the value of money.

C'mon, Mr. Consultant, pick up these cans.

Shit...!

Eric: Hey, Mr. Consultant, don't leave any cans!

(mutters) Fucking Canada.

♪ ♪

(elevator dings)

(all gagging)

(flies buzzing)

Ugh!

(flies buzzing)

Oh. Oh, my...

(sniffing)

Evil spirits be gone!

(grunting)

(chants in Spanish)

What are you on?

Mama-se, mama-sa, mama-coo-sa!

(sniffing) Oh! Oh!

What is that stench?

Where is that coming from?

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

- (sniffs) - Don't sniff me.

Did you step in something?

- It must be my new perfume, smell. - (yelps)

Oh! Oh, god!

Ow, ow!

(both shouting)

25, 26, 27 dollars and 35 cents.

Thanks. Hey, mom, 27.35.

Okay, great, we've beautified Canada.

- Can we go? - Just a sec.

Here, Mr. Babson, this is yours.

Mine?

Yeah, you picked up one bag.

That's about 45 cans at five cents each,

that's two dollars and 35 cents.

Eric, I'm on an expense account. You keep it.

No sir, that's yours. You earned it.

Saving for a rainy day, huh?

Oh, rainy day, nothing. This is his hockey money.

- For skates. - Nah, for two tickets.

We can't wait to see Edmonton crush the Kings.

(chuckles) C'mon, I want to be home before morning.

♪ ♪

How long's he been saving that money?

All year.

It takes a lot of cans for tickets to an Oilers game.

Those tickets don't come cheap.

But we're fans, eh?

I thought you were against the bond issue.

I said I didn't like it.

But you'll vote for it.

Well, what choice do I have?

That team leaves, a lot of people will be out of work,

which means a lot less money around here.

Besides, I need the break.

You do?

Hell, yeah.

Hockey gives me a time out.

When the game's on TV, I know where my son is.

(chuckles) At least for a few hours.

Oh, there it is, over there.

Well, here we are,

112 Seekonk Road.

Kate, I appreciate it.

Oh, no, no, no, you keep it.

You ruined your nice coat.

Looks like you been sorting cats and dogs all night.

- (laughs) - No, no, no, a deal's a deal.

Get that water heater fixed.

Say goodbye to Eric.

(sighs)

Man: Hold on! Hold on!

Sacre mon, I'm coming!

Arliss. (chuckles)

What are you doing here?

I thought you were going to meet me at the press conference.

I need to talk to you.

Come, come.

I want to show something to you.

(hockey stick cracks)

What do you think, huh?

Hmm. Hmm?

What?

Good, huh? Good?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I am calling it "Penalty Box."

It represents man's desire

to overcome restraint.

(clatters)

Grab that bucket.

Gilles. Gilles.

This is my expression of war.

The fine line between life...

and death...

between guilt and innocence.

I call it "Sunrise at Sarajevo."

Gilles, look, there's an offer I need to talk to you about.

What offer? I thought we agreed.

We did, but this came at the last second,

and it's my job to present you with all offers, so...

So?

So...

there's an on-line company that wants you to be the spokesman

for "Flower of the Month" Jewelry.

♪ ♪

"Flower of the Month" Jewelry?

There's no money up front,

but they'll give you a percentage of the profits.

(scoffs, mutters)

that is what you came up here to tell me?

You know the law.

"No matter how big, no matter how small,

an AMM client will always hear all."

Arliss: As an agent, my job is to present all offers.

It is not my place to sort and choose for the client.

♪ ♪

(flies buzzing)

(gags)

(dog growling)

(dogs barking)

Here! Take the liver, take the liver!

(screaming)

Give me a shot of anything, no lime.

Can I see some I.D.?

What?

I.D.

Really?

You want to card me?

Oh, oh.

Oh! Oh, oh, come back here!

- (dogs barking) - Give me back my liver!

Cough it up! Cough it up!

- ♪ ♪ - (Kirby exhales)

$500 for a "motivational tool"?

This will vanquish all our enemies.

What are you on?

It comes with centuries of mystical powers

and... a set of pins.

There is no way I'm going to reimburse you

for Tickle Me Voodoo!

Oh, really?

Stanley: Ow! Ow!

Arliss: There are two sides to every offer.

The trick is knowing who is getting what from whom.

Mon ami.

What do you say, Eric?

Wow.

And for madame...

the complete set

of the "Flower of the Month" Jewelry pins.

- Thank you. - (organ music plays)

Announcer (on P.A.): Ladies and gentlemen,

the Edmonton Oilers would like to welcome you.

Go, Edmonton, yeah!

♪ Oh, Canada ♪

♪ Our home and native land ♪

♪ True... ♪

♪ ♪

How do you like the duck?

Oh, it's very tender...

once you get past the buckshot.

- (spits) - (dings)

Too bad "Gillis" passed. No Edmonton.

Well, I presented him with the offer. What can you do?

I'll tell you what we can do.

I hear the Islanders are having money problems.

I smell blood in the water there.

W.S., I've got family in Long Island.

Oh, fuck them. Long Islanders piss me off anyway,

always bitching and moaning and whining.

Let's get 'em.

To the Utah Islanders.

Goes well with the Jazz.

(Walcott laughs) Yeah.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

(spits, dings)

These are my stories.

♪ Gonna make it in LA ♪

♪ Starlet of the silver screen ♪

♪ And when her nighttime shifts ♪

♪ At the diner last forever ♪

♪ Oh, forever ♪

♪ She hit the road at dawn ♪

♪ Past the open doors of her hometown ♪

♪ And blowing in the wind ♪

♪ The only warning sight she knows ♪

♪ And when the fear on her brow ♪

♪ Spring to life, she'd run forever ♪

♪ Whoa, forever ♪

♪ She's saying "The wind is at my back ♪

♪ "Following the train ♪

♪ And giving me the ride of a lifetime" ♪

♪ She knows the days are moving on ♪

♪ Nights are getting long ♪

♪ Firing going out that door ♪

♪ But when the time is running out ♪

♪ She don't wait around ♪

♪ She figures I'd know where to go ♪

♪ When she's running out of steam ♪

♪ She goes, "Stop ♪

♪ This is the wrong way to go" ♪

♪ John was just a boy ♪

♪ Playing his guitar in the evening ♪

♪ And he was ♪

♪ Working in the mill ♪

♪ Laboring to make ends meet ♪

♪ But still, he dreamed of a future, a life ♪

♪ Of an endless highway ♪