Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

She's the national treasure of Peru,

The reigning queen of Wimbledon,

and the most downloaded woman

on the World Wide Web.

Carmen Cavallo is a demographic wet dream

for Philip Morris.

Too bad you still can't advertise cigarettes.

Damn FCC won't let us buy the naming rights

for women's tennis anymore.

So long, Virginia Slims, hello, Sanex.

But Arliss, Carmen can endorse any one of our other

vast number of subsidiaries.

I mean, she could choose from Nabisco,

Kraft,

Planters,

Life Savers.

What about... all of 'em?

What do you mean?

I mean, what about an umbrella agreement

for Carmen to promote

all the parent company's products?

And just how wide is this umbrella?

Five years, 75 million.

(laughs) Are you serious, 75 million?

(sniffs) Those are Tiger Woods numbers.

Picture it... Carmen Cavallo,

seductively fondling a stick of Velveeta.

Telling the world how she never could've

won the French at Roland-Garros

without... Miracle Whip.

Why, we could create her own perfume.

Carmen, from Del Monte.

The possibilities are endless.

But Arliss, one athlete

endorsing all of the corporation's subsidiaries, uh...

That's just never been done before.

Just call me...

"Mr. Precedent."

Arliss: Just because something hasn't been done before

doesn't mean it can't be done.

At AMM, we're constantly on the cutting edge.

I'm Simon Hawthorne.

When I left college early, I made a lot of money.

But I also made one person very unhappy.

Woman: Yes, you did.

But I made my grandma a promise.

And now, I'm graduating.

Good for him!

The number of athletes who actually go back and get a degree

are the same as the number of arms on the Venus de Milo.

Shh!

Simon says, finish school.

That's the biggest score you can make.

It sure is!

Director: Cut! Perfect!

My little Denzel!

You nailed it, man.

We nailed it. Kirby coached me.

Simon, your laudable efforts will inspire many young lives.

I commend you.

I'm just glad it's over, man. Let's go.

Director: Sorry, we've gotta do it again, we're long.

Simon, just cut the middle two sentences

and go from here, to here, okay?

Let's try it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are we doin' this?

You said it was perfect.

We're long, no big deal, we'll have it on the prompter.

That's not what we agreed on.

Kirby, Simon can handle it.

That's not the point.

Why don't we just try one?

Because we don't have time.

I told you. You have one hour with him.

He gave you what you need, let's go.

Man's voice on tape: Your inner child reminds you...

I am powerful, I am good...

(phone rings)

I am powerful...

(phone rings)

Ugh... uhh!

Arliss Michaels.

Arliss? It's Carmen.

I need to talk to you.

Of course, how's tomorrow at my office?

I'm retiring. I'm going back to Peru!

- (dial tone) - Man's voice on tape: I am loved...

Everywhere I go they want me.

They want to kiss my shoes.

They want to kiss my racket.

They want to kiss my sweatbands.

Then I come home, and I'm ready to be loved,

and where's Samantha?

In the dark room with her stupid cameras!

She doesn't love me.

Of course she does.

She loves you very much.

Our sex life is terrible.

We used to be, boom, boom, boom all the time.

Ahora que, Arliss, nada!

Lesbian bed death.

And she never initiates.

She's... she's...

Butch in the streets, femme in the sheets.

Look. Look.

Look at me! I make myself beautiful for her!

Look at me... ay? Look at me, Arliss.

This soap? This soap here?

Is special.

From the Amazon rain forest.

Keeps my skin so soft.

I buy this for her!

You know, I... I was watching Dr. Phil on "Oprah",

and he says that all couples,

all couples, go through ups and downs.

She doesn't want me.

I'm eating ice cream until I get so fat

that no one can loves me!

Where is she?

It's not easy being the girlfriend

of the Peruvian princess.

She flits around,

the center of attention...

so... Lah-teen!

Comes back from being on tour,

and I'm supposed to drop everything?

I have a life, too.

Samantha...

Carmen's upstairs crying in her Cherry Garcia

because she thinks you don't love her.

She loves you.

You make her better.

She makes you better.

She makes... your work better.

Look how gorgeous she is.

My little Machu Picchu.

I'm crazy about her.

Why don't you tell her?

Carmen: She did.

(Latin music playing)

♪♪

♪♪

Arliss, would you mind?

Oh, no. No, not at all.

Arliss: Staying calm in a crisis requires total concentration.

Never turn your back on what's important.

I always keep my eyes on the prize.

Stanley: "Congratulations from Ann on your Grammy nomination.

You are so hot"?

So, what do you think? Is this what you're looking for?

Uhh, this is for Simon's graduation.

It seems more like it's for Puffy's parole hearing.

No, this is a prototype.

This is a Gary Carter original.

So, how did an 11-time All-Star

end up designing trophies?

Well, I'm getting kinda tired of Cooperstown

not giving me a plaque,

so I decided to make my own.

What... what do you think?

Uh, it... it should say, "Congratulations from AMM

on Your Graduation".

(snoring) Come on!

It's gotta say somethin' phat,

you know, like, uh, "Congratulations, You Da Man"!

Word.

Oh, please.

This is a graduation, it's important.

- It should be, - Guys, what...

"Congratulations from AMM...

- You Da man! - On Your Graduation."

- "Congratulations! - "Congratulations

- You Da Man!" - from AMM on Your Graduation."

"On Your Graduation."

Arliss! Arliss!

You need to make a decision, okay?

Stanley: Should Simon's plaque read,

"Congratulations from AMM on Your Graduation"?

Or something a little less "Stanley",

like, "Congratulations, You the man"?

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!

Spare me your petty problems.

Last night, I had two crazy, hysterical women

threaten to blow my groundbreaking deal.

It looked bad. Defeat seemed imminent.

Yet... I prevailed.

Why?

Because I know what women want.

I listened, I sympathized, I empathized.

Oh, how do I do it?

How do I handle a Neanderthal

nose tackle one moment,

and a devastated diva the next?

(laughs) I guess that's what makes me me.

Arliss, forgive us for surprising you.

We have something to tell you.

Something important.

Rita, would you excuse us?

No, Rita can stay.

This concerns her, too.

- Oh. - What's wrong, what'd she do?

Samantha: Wrong? Nothing.

Everything's wonderful.

I'm retiring!

Sorry?

Not now, but, in a few months.

Wh... wh... in... in a few months?

I thought after last night everything was just fine.

It's fine.

Wonderful.

Great! Then, why?

Oh, my God! They're having a baby!

A what?

We want a family.

Ay si, a little bebe.

Wow, that's great!

(laughs)

Who's pregnant?

No one...

yet.

Oh, I get it, I get it.

Fine, okay.

I know a guy who flies in from Moscow each month

with a planeload of babies.

I can grease the skids.

No! I want to have the baby!

You mean pregnant?

You?

Carmen, maybe you should, uh, think about this,

wait a little bit, maybe five years.

It'll give those ovaries a chance to mature.

No! Now is the time.

Samantha: And there's more.

Wh... what more?

We want you to be the donor.

The sperm donor.

My sperm?

His sperm?

(whispering) You can do better.

My sperm?

He's smart, he's dependable.

We can always teach the kid to have emotions.

My sperm...

You know, Arliss did a lotta drugs in college.

Ladies, I'm flattered. But umm...

this is a big decision.

And there's more.

What more?

Rita, we want you to be the godmother.

Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Oh, yes, yes!

Yes! Oh, yes, yes, yes!

No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't need children.

I have 92 children I take care of every day.

Don't you want someone to carry on your legacy?

What legacy? It's the legacy of a turkey baster.

Arliss, you can look at it and say,

"My genes, my features"...

My bank account!

Look, kids smell, they cry,

they break things.

They grow up and waste time, waste money, and get wasted.

Oh, until the day,

where they show up and blame me

for everything that's gone wrong in their life,

because I wasn't there, and I should've been there!

That's your childhood.

What other frame of reference do I have?

They'll be good parents.

What have you got to lose?

My precedent! That's my legacy!

This is gonna fuck it up.

She'll be back on tour in a year,

empowered by motherhood.

Arliss, I wanna be a godmother.

Fine, give her your sperm.

Just think, your child could turn out to be someone

- truly remarkable. - Remarkable.

Someone who could change the course of history.

History. Someone to carry on the Michaels name!

The Cavallo name.

What?

It's her baby, it'll have her name.

Her name?

Arliss: Sometimes a good idea isn't enough.

Sometimes you have to take it to the next level.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Her name...

Arliss: I must tell you,

my first response was to pass.

But then I got to thinking,

you two are gonna be great parents,

and that child might turn out to be

somebody truly remarkable,

someone who could change the course of history.

So... I'm leaning towards saying yes.

(gasps)

Arliss! That is so great!

Gracias! Aah!

(speaking Spanish)

I ask but one... small condition.

What?

I want to name the baby.

Well, um...

Uh, let me explain.

At my age, I probably won't be around

to see the kid grow up.

And I'd like to know, when I'm gone,

that he... or she...

will carry on some small, special gift of me.

It's the one thing I want.

If... you'll agree... I'll agree.

Yes.

You have no idea what this means to me.

Like this.

After you get your diploma,

tassel goes from the left to the right.

But I've seen him play hoop.

He can't score goin' to his right.

Hey, but Daunte,

I saw you play the Giants.

You couldn't score at all.

I scored with that giant girlfriend of yours.

(laughing)

Hey, but, seriously though,

because of you,

I'm going back to college

and gettin' my degree in English Lit.

Really?

See you.

All right, see you.

Hey, Daunte, I'll meet you downstairs.

Say, uh, Kirby,

I just wanna thank you, man.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Nah, you could have.

No... I wouldn't have.

A-ha, there he is!

Hey.

Well, this time tomorrow afternoon

you will be Simon Hawthorne, Bachelor of Arts.

I guess.

Simon, this is really from all of us,

but, uh, I wanna give it to you

because, well, 'cause I picked it out.

(laughs)

Ah! I can't believe this.

Hey, thanks, man.

"Congratulations from AMM,

on your graduation. You're the man."

Thanks, Stanley.

I appreciate this, man.

Later.

"Congratulations from AMM on your graduation.

You are the man."

You told him that.

Okay, so I told him.

What, did I spoil your big surprise?

Well, the big surprise is the inscription said,

"Congratulations from Ann on your Grammy nomination.

You are so hot."

So?

Simon can't read.

Bullshit.

No wonder you wouldn't allow him

to read off the teleprompter.

He couldn't! Could he?

And you... you're his enabler.

I'm his friend.

Look... he's a good kid,

He's not a troublemaker,

he's a role model.

An illiterate role model?

To quote a certain colleague,

one who's "gonna inspire many young lives."

I'm going to go talk to him.

H... Hold on. What are you gonna do?

Maybe I can talk him

into a literacy program somewhere.

We can keep it quiet.

Yeah, right. The press is gonna be all over this.

He's gonna become a national punch line,

a joke.

What is he now?

He's a kid who makes nine million dollars a year.

Over the next six years,

he's gonna make 54 million dollars.

And unlike many of our literate clients,

he knows right from wrong.

How's he gonna manage the rest of his life?

That's why he hired you.

And me. And Arliss.

Think about it.

(lullaby playing)

What the hell is this?

Great, isn't it?

Solid maple, hypoallergenic mattress pad,

and a brain-stimulating mobile.

Obviously we can't commit to the color yet.

Obviously. Look, I'm expecting...

Arliss, have you picked out a name yet?

Because I'd like to suggest a few possibilities.

For a girl, Coco...

Oh...

Eudora... India.

India...

For a boy, Dylan, Winston... Antonio.

Antonio...

Arliss?

Uh, Mindy, um... wh... why don't we do this

in the conference room, okay?

Uh, can I get you anything to drink?

Would it be too much to find me a frappuccino?

I'm jonesing.

No, no, not at all.

Uh, Rita, why don't you take care of this?

Isadora!

Spencer!

Diana.

Diana, cute.

Arliss, what is so urgent?

I told you I don't have an answer for you yet.

Oh, but you will.

Arliss, it's nutty, it's crazy.

I love it.

So, it's done then, we're agreed?

Agreed.

You won't regret it.

I promise you.

One frappuccino.

I hope you like whipped cream.

I'll take it to go.

Thank you, Rita.

She's the best.

Oh, one more thing, Arliss.

I want it in writing,

that should Carmen have any other children,

they're not to be named after

any of our competitors' brands.

We... we can dot the i's, cross the t's later.

Have a great day.

Only you could come up with something like this, Arliss.

You are so creative.

So, where were we, uh, Dylan, Antonio, India...

I like Coco.

What did you just do?

What was the other one, Eudora? That kinda got a nice ring...

Did you just do what I think you did?

Let's take another look at that crib.

You sold the naming rights to my godchild!

You make it sound like a bad thing.

To my godchild.

Why not? It closed the deal.

I set a precedent!

What is the name?

Don't... don't worry, it's a strong name.

What's the name?

It's a powerful name, a tough name.

What's the name?

Marlboro.

Marlboro?

You're naming the baby Marlboro?

Only if it's a boy.

If it's a girl, it's Parliament!

Arliss, you are depraved.

You pitched Winston,

what the hell's the difference?

You've done some scummy things,

but naming a kid after a cigarette?

Is inspired!

Oh, mm-hm?

It's the only way they can advertise cigarettes in this country.

They'll be saying, "There goes Carmen Cavallo

"with her little Marlboro man.

Arliss Michaels thought of that."

God, I'm good.

I'm calling Carmen and Samantha.

You're not callin' anybody.

I made a deal. They want my sperm, I want my precedent.

Tit for that!

Ohh!

Remember, godmother, if they don't want me,

they might not want you either.

That would be a shame.

I know how much your heart is set on it.

Operator's voice: If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up and dial again.

I want maternity leave.

What are you talking about? You're not pregnant.

Are you?

Godmother maternity leave.

One month, paid.

There's no such thing as godmother maternity leave.

I'm setting a precedent.

(doorbell)

Hey, Stanley, what's up, man, come on in.

Here, I, uh, brought you some fan mail

that came into the office.

Hey, man, thanks.

Hey, look here, man, you wanna check out

My new Sega Dreamcast?

Oh, uh, no thanks.

Um, so are you excited about graduating?

Hey, look, man.

I just wanna get it over with, you know what I mean?

Getting a degree, it's a major accomplishment.

Yeah, man.

Lotta work, lotta time,

lotta studying.

You got it.

Lotta reading.

Hey, man, I'm actually kinda busy right now.

Simon... I can help.

What, help me what? What you gonna do?

You gonna help me shoot a free throw?

You gonna help me crash the boards?

No, no, but you know, and I know...

Know what? Know what? Tell me what!

Okay, boys, what do you think?

I bought this dress five years ago,

when you were supposed to graduate.

Didn't think I'd ever get a chance to wear it.

Had to lose a few pounds, but it was worth it.

Grandma... you look like a queen.

Oh, sweetheart.

Mr. Babson, did your grandmother see you graduate?

She did.

Oh, she must've been so proud.

She probably felt the same way I'm feeling now.

Oh, grandma...

(snoring and moaning)

(phone ringing)

Ughh!

Arliss Michaels.

Arliss, you must come over here.

Carmen, you're not thinking of changing your mind, are you?

Now!

Carmen, she loves you.

Trust me, she loves you.

Carmen: We are in here.

"We're", that's a good sign, "we're"...

Carmen, whatever it is,

don't worry, Uncle Arliss is here.

Okay, I got chocolate chip cookie dough and Cherry Garcia.

They were out of Chunky Monk...

Smile!

What's going on?

We have invited our circle.

This is an event to celebrate.

I'm ovulating!

You mean now, here?

With all these people?

It's put up or shut up time.

Have you chosen a name?

No, no, no, not yet,

but don't worry.

It'll be something that says "strength",

"Power"!

Class action suit.

Something that goes well with Cavallo.

Hurlbutt.

I beg your pardon?

No, we're not using Cavallo.

We're using my last name.

Your last name?

Yes.

I don't want the baby living in the shadow of me.

With my last name,

the kid can have a normal childhood.

Your last name?

That's right... Hurlbutt.

Like the thing you sit on.

Hurl... butt.

Go get 'em, tiger.

(cheering)

Here ya go, here ya go...

Viagra.

No, get in there!

Marlboro Hurlbutt?

♪ He's got the whole world in his hands ♪

♪ He's got the whole wide world in his hands... ♪

Shit, shit, shit...

Think, think, think!

♪ ... In his hands ♪

♪ He's got you and me, sister... ♪

Arliss: A great hitter once told me

that in crunch time, a wonderful thing happens.

Time slows, vision grows sharp.

I take pride in rolling up my sleeves,

and delivering in the clutch.

Brimming with unabashed optimism,

I always see the cup as half full.

Bottoms up.

Even after rising to the occasion,

the job's never done.

I prepare for the next seminal moment.

Simon Louis Hawthorne.

(applause and cheers)

Arliss: When we blaze new trails,

we set a benchmark for others to follow.

Seemingly insurmountable obstacles

are met with equal measures of innovation and enthusiasm.

To be a beacon of hope

is to lead by example.

So what are you hoping for?

A boy or a girl?

As long as it has 10 fingers and 10 toes,

I'll call it a miracle.

Right, daddy?

If one is to be a groundbreaker,

One must prepare to be a groundbreaker.

Yes!

Always expect the unexpected.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ I got a thing for you ♪

♪ I know you got a thing for me ♪

♪ If love is a question, the answer will set you free ♪

♪ Said you would always be my girl ♪

♪ You said you'd always be the center of my world ♪

♪ Look at where we are ♪

♪ But things have changed ♪

♪ I can't lie, Girl, you are the apple of my eye ♪

♪ You're the cherry in my pie ♪

♪ Let me be your guy all day ♪

♪ I got a thing for you ♪

♪ I know you got a thing for me ♪

♪ If love is a question ♪

♪ The answer will set you free ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ It's sappy but it's true ♪

♪ You say you love me ♪

♪ Let's make love like the birds and the bees ♪

♪ I got a thing for you ♪

♪ I know you got a thing ♪