Original subtitles

(dramatic music playing)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

(shouting)

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Man: A Danny Richter production.

This is the future of football.

Well, it, um... certainly looks bright.

Bright enough to draw huge ratings.

Arliss, do you realize that between January and April

red-blooded American males watch figure skating?

And basketball.

Neither delivers what they really want...

big tits and big hits.

(grunts, groans)

(shouts)

Huh? (laughs)

Arliss, I'm launching the ultimate football league.

And you want my clients.

I want faces, I want players the public knows.

Like the guy who's got his own cereal.

That Floozy, Flooky...

Doug Flutie.

Doug Flutie, right, right.

- Doug Flutie is a big ticket item. - (phone rings)

- (phone beeps) - Richter, yeah.

Yeah, hi, Les, no, it's simple,

They're veterinarian's by day, cops by night.

- They're "law dogs". Yes, no, get back to me. - (phone beeps)

The NFL is a monopoly.

Too many rules, too many penalties.

"Unnecessary roughness," what the hell is that?

"Personal foul," what, is there some other kind?

You know what the people want.

Big tits...

and big hits.

(grunting, groaning)

Look, of course the NFL's a monopoly.

But the big stars aren't gonna buy into a new league.

I mean, you're just starting up.

I mean, the players remember the USFL, you know.

Ah, you know what the USFL didn't have, Arliss?

Danny Richter.

- Arliss: Everyday I hear bold, new ideas... - (phone rings)

Yeah, Lorne,

yeah, no, I got a great idea.

It's called "Dead from New York".

It's about all the people who croaked from the show.

I know there's only four, but trust me, there'll be more.

Yeah, get back to me.

Arliss: I pride myself by listening closely to each and every one.

Arliss, I'm serious, man.

You know, I wanna do what your other clients do.

(mumbling indistinctly)

Little kids look up to me... (mumbles)

personal experience.

(continues mumbling)

executives... (mumbles)

Uh-huh.

(mumbling)

Know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying.

Yeah... I missed the first part.

He wants to do motivational speeches and personal appearances.

Motivational speeches.

Oh, yeah.

(mumbling) You know, it's good... college, you know what I'm saying?

Hey, listen, you know,

I got a meeting this afternoon.

So if we're gonna buy that hot tub we gotta get a move on.

(mumbling) You know what I'm saying?

(laughs) This guy cracks me up!

Arliss, I need to speak with you.

Speak clearly.

Well, it's just that I've been working here now

for nearly 10 years

and I feel that I've made a significant contribution...

Look, if this is about a raise, now's not a good time.

I don't want a raise.

Good.

I want equity in AMM.

Equity.

You...

Can't have equity, no one has it.

Well, I deserve it.

Kirby doesn't have it and he's been with me for 18 years.

Kirby doesn't really do anything.

He does a lot more than you think.

Oh, like?

Like a lot more than you think.

(breathes deeply) Look, if it was up to me...

It is up to you!

If I give it to you, where does it stop?

If I give it to you, do I give it to Kirby?

Do I have to give it to Rita?

Would that be so bad?

It'd be horrible!

Look, this is a privately held company!

The only person with shares at AMM

is the person whose initials are AMM.

What does the middle initial stand for, miser?

(exhaling)

Miserly?

Miserly motherfucker!

Oh, hey, excuse you!

Hey, this isn't a post office!

Did you see who dropped this off?

I need a stapler!

Actually... Whoa, hey! Wait...

Is there a problem?

Oh, god, there is such a problem.

I can't get any work done, I need my own office.

Oh, not again!

Look, if it was up to me, I'd give you one in a New York minute.

But, whose? Where? We don't have one!

Kirby has his own office.

Kirby is an associate agent.

Kirby needs one.

Oh, for what? Trimming his toenails and calling 900 numbers?

No, Kirby does a lot more than you think!

Like what?

Like a lot...

There's the damn highlighter.

Oh, no, this is not over!

Unless you want to die, hang up the phone.

Medical expense plan...

left wing socialists.

- (knocking) - Arliss.

Got a minute?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, do me a favor, get me my humidor? Thanks.

Man, Rita and Stanley have been busting my stones

all fuckin' day.

You really oughta keep this thing on your desk.

I'm always fetching it for you.

It's one of the many and valuable things that you do.

So, where were you?

I had a meeting...

with Danny Richter.

That guy doesn't quit.

No wonder he has so much shit on TV, huh?

He really liked my ideas about how to build a winning football team.

He doesn't give a shit about a winning football team.

Well, then again, neither do the Saints, huh?

So, who'd he try to buy?

Me.

No, no, we've been through this before.

You're too old to play quarterback.

Not as a player,

as a general manager of his L.A. Carnivores.

(chuckles) What?

Look, I wasn't expecting this either.

He just thinks that I can make a difference.

He's jerking you off.

What he wants is access to our clients.

He says I can run the show.

That's because he knows you can't.

I mean, it's a conflict of interest with you being an agent.

I know, that's what I'm here to tell you.

I'm leaving AMM.

If this is about asking for more money,

I can't do it.

I mean, if it was up to me, I'd open the vault,

but right now times are tough, domestic.

It's not about the money.

In fact I'm taking a hit.

It's just that, Arliss, this is my chance

to build an organization from the ground up.

You're serious.

Look, I don't want to leave.

But he promised me total autonomy.

I get to make all the decisions,

personnel, coach, everything.

Look, I just want to see what I can do...

on my own.

Kirby, I just heard the news, you're really leaving?

Yeah, I am.

This place isn't gonna be the same without you.

Well, you know, it was a tough...

How soon are you leaving?

Uh, soon. Today.

Uh-huh.

Isn't it amazing? The collection of a man's life.

20 years accumulation of great...

mammaries.

Hey, I brought you a going away present.

Remember this?

Oh, hey, from our first office.

We could only afford one cup, remember?

Look, um...

I'd like you to have it.

Oh, no, no. You should keep that, that belongs here.

Are you sure?

A lot of great coffee

was drunk from this mug.

No, really, it stays here.

Thanks, Arliss.

I love you, man.

Oh, I've always been fond of you as well.

I'm gonna miss you most of all, scarecrow.

What can I say?

Well, uh... guess I'll be... I'll be seeing you all.

Uh, you know... we'll be in touch.

- I gotta come back, get more stuff. - Rita: Okay.

- But I'll... You know, if I don't see you later, I'll see you. - Okay.

Take care, good luck!

- Bye! - Bye-bye.

I'm moving in.

If you think I'm taking any of his responsibilities

- after our conversation... - What responsibilities? He didn't do anything anyway!

Take your conversation out of my office.

(phone rings)

(groans)

Hello.

Yo, Arliss, what's up, man? This is Barry Larkin.

Oh, Barry, it's always good to hear from you at...

midnight.

Hey, listen, Alex Ochoa and I need a designated driver.

Yeah, okay, I'll get Kirby.

Kirby told me he quit.

(groans)

Dame el teléfono.

Oye, Arliss. Es Alex. ¿Qué pasa?

Yeah. ¿Cómo está? I have no more Spanish,

put Barry back on.

Okay.

Barry, where are you?

We're at, uh, "Lovely Lungs."

You're at a strip bar?

No, man, it's an oxygen bar.

Don't... Don't they have any oxygen at the hotel?

Yeah, we'll see you in a half hour, all right?

(sighs)

(phone rings)

Oh!

Hello.

Arliss, this is Jeremy Roenick.

My stupid security system won't let me in my house.

That sucks, uh... listen, I gotta go right now.

Kirby used to help me out with this.

He knew how to fix it!

I'm on it.

(dialing)

- (phone rings) - (answering machine clicks)

- Stanley... - Stanley (through machine): You have reached Stanley Babson,

A non-equity holder of AMM.

Leave a message,

and if this is Arliss, fuck you.

(beep)

(chuckles) Cheap motherfucker.

(dialing)

(ringing)

Hello.

Rita, Jeremy Roenick's got a stupid security system.

I need you to go down there.

(yawns) Who is this?

Your boss!

(dial tone)

(sighs)

Isn't this great, guys?

Yeah, it reminds me of the time I spent a week in the hospital after my car accident.

Arliss, you have to try the mountain summit air.

It is nice.

I can't believe we're paying for oxygen!

Doesn't it come free with air?

Together: Not in L.A. it doesn't.

Hey, Arliss.

Greg, whatcha doin' here?

You know, I come by.

You know what I'm talking about? (mumbles)

You know? Know what I'm saying? Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(mumbling)

You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

(both laughing)

I tried that.

Tried that.

Well, Jeremy, I don't know what to do.

I'm not a burglar.

Kirby knew.

Kirby, you gotta see this thing.

It's a cheerleader-cam.

You place it on their boots

and it films right up their skirts.

Look at this thing.

Can we talk seriously about personnel?

Coaches, for instance?

You gotta see the clarity in this thing.

Gotta be digital.

(phone rings)

Hello, Carlisle.

Kirby, it's Arliss!

Hey, Arliss.

Hey, ask Arliss about Flunky.

What's up?

Hey, Greg! Greg, come here. Come here.

(laughs) You gotta tell Kirby what you just told me.

Hey, Kirby.

(mumbling)

You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

All right.

Thanks. (laughs)

What the fuck did he say?

- (phone beeping) - H-Hold on.

Kirby Carlisle.

Kirby, it's Rita. I'm with Jeremy Roenick and he locked

Himself out. Okay, hold on a sec.

Himself out.

Okay, Arliss, he said that if you can't get him personal appearances

He's walking.

Walking, I can get him a job,

talking, I don't think so.

Hold on a sec.

Uh-huh? Okay, Rita.

You're facing the street?

Yep.

Walk down the steps.

Kirby: Turn to your left.

Look down.

You see three little frogs there?

Uh-huh.

Okay, look on the bottom of the middle one.

He wrote his keycode on a frog?

No, I did.

Night, Rita.

Kirby: Arliss, gotta go.

Lot of work to do.

Look, Kirby, thanks a lot, man.

Bye.

So, Arliss, feel any different?

Actually I feel a lot different.

Yeah, well, you know, that's what I'm trying to say. (mumbles)

(elevator dings)

So I finally get Jeremy into his house

and then he wants to show me his DVD collection.

I snorted so much eucalyptus I'm pissing sap.

Then Whitaker shows up,

I don't know if he's talking about Shakespeare or The Simpsons.

I was watching Happy Gilmore at four in the morning.

"Arliss, I need a designated driver."

"Arliss, I'm hungry." "Arliss, get me a cheesesteak."

Get me a Vivarin.

Arliss, I've been thinking about my future

and I've decided that maybe I should look for a place...

Okay, you want equity? You got equity!

But that means taking care of clients,

picking them up, dropping them off.

- Taking them where they wanna go, when they wanna go. - Yeah. Yes. Yes!

Blowin' their noses, wipin' their ass,

playin' with their ugly kids, sleepin' with their wives, hidin' their girlfriends!

Yes!

(groaning)

(whistling)

No, no, no, that was awful!

That's not what we rehearsed, Ricky.

We don't improvise, we synchronize.

I wanna see a pivot turn, pivot turn,

look to the audience, look to the fans,

Thank the Lord, and down.

Paco, can I get a Gatorade, please?

I've got great news, I've just lined up foreign distribution rights,

theatrical cable, and home video.

Kirby, look at this thing,

breakaway face mask.

They're gonna love this in Thailand.

I can't think about distribution.

I gotta think about our passing game.

How we doing on quarterbacks, anyway?

I'm workin' on it.

This is a prime-time show, Kirby, I need my prime-time star.

What would you say to Doug Flutie?

Arliss, you are the man.

Doug, meet Danny Richter,

America's answer to the Caligula.

Nice to meet you.

Big fan of Malibu, Ob-gyn.

Thank you, thank you.

And, you know this guy.

The man responsible for you being here,

general manager, Kirby Carlisle.

Doug.

Doug, how do you like the Carnivore uniforms?

A little to the left, a little to the right. More to the left...

They look like I, Max.

We'll change 'em.

Anything Doug wants, Doug gets.

Your own box, use of the company plane,

you name it.

What about the offense, what are you running?

Oh, we're running in stations across the globe.

Shotgun offense, no back sets.

We're gonna be throwin' the ball 50 times a game.

Sounds good.

Okay, Doug, if you want to explore this,

I'll meet Mr. Carlisle at my office and work out details.

Doug, why don't I show you around the facilities?

You make yourself at home.

If you want him, you are gonna overpay

more than anyone's ever overpaid in the history of football.

I love you. (laughs)

Yes, I know, I-I know.

My client trashed the hotel room,

but he's hitting 150, what do you expect?

(chuckles)

Huh?

Well, how does Mr. Carlisle usually handle this?

(knocking)

You're doing Kirby's job, right?

Yes, yes, I'll be with you in a moment.

Uh, look, of course, we're gonna pay for the damages,

but, please,

could you keep the thing with the bidet out of the paper?

I'll call you back.

May I help you?

I'm here to collect my money.

For...?

For... well, we call it "client services."

You have an invoice?

(giggles) No.

Kirby usually pays me out of petty cash.

(opens drawer)

How much does he owe you?

There was a thousand for helping Andre get his confidence back,

another thousand for relaxing Andre before the Finals,

and 500 for helping Andre forget losing the Finals.

So that's 26 hundred.

I hate to impugn your math skills, madam,

but my total is only 25 hundred.

Yeah, well, uh... Kirby usually throws me an extra C-note for...

Thank you.

Holy shit.

Rita, I...

Arliss, we are paying for hookers?

I don't know anything about it.

Ah, so you get to be shocked so I can be the fall guy.

I don't know anything about it. Rita, any messages?

Messages? Try voicemail.

I've been trying to get the stench out of this carpet all day.

Hey, whoa!

(sniffs) Smells like a beauty parlor.

Hi, Kirby.

Hey, Rita.

Ah, your friend says...

Oh.

Hey, man, good to see you.

Could I get this validated?

Sure, uh, take care of it.

- C'mon, let's go to work. - Okay.

You can probably get that smell out with Desenex.

Oh.

Rita?

Reception is outside.

So, did you watch the Roy Jones fight the other day?

Arliss, let's wrap this up real quick, I gotta get back.

Sure.

Okay, Doug only wants to play in L.A.

Okay, but I can't have my hands tied by a no-trade clause.

Limited no trade.

Not more than one or two teams.

Four years guaranteed, 20 million per,

with an 11.5 signing bonus.

Four years?

Give me a break, how old is Flutie?

Look, if you want him,

the Powerball numbers are

4, 20, 11.5,

and he gets coach approval.

Coach approval?

Look, Arliss, I'm opening the vaults, but I'm not bending over.

I know how this game is played.

Look, I'm handing you this guy.

What do you think Richter's gonna say if I walk away from the table?

I make all the football personnel and coaching decisions.

Really, does Richter know that?

You're not dealing with Richter,

you're dealing with me.

Listen, asshole, I'm doing you a favor.

Read my lips, you arrogant prick:

no coaching approval.

Then that's a deal breaker.

I guess it is.

Well, then this meeting is over.

I guess it is.

Arliss, don't you have

a Greg Whitaker on your client list

that wants to do, uh, personal appearances?

Richter told me that Marlon Wayans

dropped out of one of his new TV series this fall,

Law Dogs.

Is that so?

- Man: That's good. - Woman: Stay down, girl.

We've got choreographers, we've got cheerleaders,

we're got an image consultant,

but we don't have a football coach.

You know, Kirby, I want our mascot to eat a live goat.

If the censors allowed Dennis Franz's ass,

they're gonna allow this.

I'm trying to put together a winning ball club.

Player: Yeah!

I just don't feel like the general manager of a football team.

That's because you haven't seen your on-field general manager's office.

Danny: Huh?

- What is that? - Come on.

Kirby, come on, check out your new digs up here. Come on.

Huh?

Is this great or what?

Look at this.

You could see everything from up here.

And you know what's great?

Everyone can see you.

Here, this is the GM seat.

Relax!

How can I relax? We've got a game in two weeks.

Kirby, the Carnivores are gonna be a complete state of the art team,

we're even going interactive.

"Interactive", what does that mean?

Every fan gets a remote.

Enough fans don't like the way the teams playin' and...

Oh!

(laughs) Hey, Kirby!

What do you think, huh? Yeah!

This isn't a football team,

this is a freak show!

I'm not gonna do it!

You'll do what I tell you to do.

I'm Danny Richter.

Arliss: For every opportunity missed there is one gained.

Officer: Hug the wall!

Man, I ain't done nothin', you got the wrong guy.

Is that so?

What is this?

Spread your feet!

Nice work, Stormy.

All right, partner, read him his rights.

(mumbling): You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say... (mumbles) court of law.

You've got a right to an attorney. You know what I'm saying?

Now, do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Cut, cut, cut!

(buzzer)

Erik, what the fuck was that?

I mean, you call that acting?

I mean, is that really how you wanna do it?

That's the way I used to do it with the other guy.

How long do you think this will take?

You see what he's giving me.

We're gonna run late, very, very late.

All right, listen, we're gonna try it one more time.

I'm outta here.

Wait, wait. Why do you get to leave?

Because I thought of it first.

And one of us has gotta stay and do Kirby's job.

(phone rings)

Oh, not again!

Hello.

Who is it?

(sighs) Darrell.

Ha, that's your turn.

What precinct?

Arliss: In every life change is inevitable.

I welcome it.

I drink deep from its well.

It makes me focus on what will arrive next.

Hello.

Oh, hey.

How's the Grand Poobah of the L.A. Carnivores?

Whatcha doin' here, slummin'?

Just stoppin' by to say hey.

C'mon in. Come on.

I didn't know if I'd still be welcome.

You know? I hope you're not still pissed about the Flutie thing.

Oh, no, no, no. Pissed?

No, I was proud.

I mean, that was good, that was good.

I mean, that TV trump card.

I mean, you hooked my ass right in. I mean, that was very smart.

It was very...

Arliss.

Anyway, listen, um, just wanted to let you know

that I know you're diggin' what you're doing,

but, um...

if you ever want to come back to AMM,

the door is open.

Well, Arliss...

And I suppose I could free up some cash.

Well, listen...

Okay, you get some equity too.

Well, I mean, I could start right away.

You know, I could start tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Well, I mean, sure,

you know, but, of course if I came back I would need a bigger office,

and my own assistant,

and of course I'd want my name on the letterhead.

Did you quit or get fired?

I quit, but, uh...

The good news is the Flutie deal never got signed.

Kirby, bring me my humidor.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Brothers, sisters, across the land ♪

♪ Reach out and touch my hand ♪

♪ I'm reaching out to you ♪

If you think you're paying me off with oxygen, you're nuts.

What can I do? Kirby needs his office back!

Maybe then I'll just look...

Okay, you got equity too.

You must be high, everyone here has equity.

To AMM!

(Rita, Kirby, and Stanley cheer and laugh)

Yeah, fine.

Kirby, Rita, and Stanley: No!

♪ Reach out and touch me ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Reach out and touch me ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ All the world could hear the sound ♪

♪ Of the love that we have found ♪

♪ We'll fly high ♪

♪ With our angel wings ♪

♪ Brothers, sisters, across the land ♪

(music continues)

This has been a Danny Richter production.