Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But, for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

I remember, man.

I mean, I was running,

And I was cutting.

And the clock was ticking.

And then, my knee started to go on me.

And I didn't know if I could make it.

Then, Lee Marvin started cussing at me.

(laughter)

So, I did another take.

And that was the one they used in the movie.

Wow.

And that gutsy performance in "The Dirty Dozen"

is what launched Jim Brown's film career,

leading to roles in such classics as,

"Three the Hard Way," "Crack House,"

and, most recently, "Any Given Sunday".

(applause)

Thank you, thank you.

I haven't seen one of those films.

You've never seen, "The Dirty Dozen?"

No. That's un-American.

Yo, this is from that

fine looking young lady sitting in the back.

"Hi, thanks for the drink last night

at the Chateau Royale."

Who's she? I have no idea.

I haven't been to the Chateau Royale in months.

Before we move on to the clips,

let's take a moment to acknowledge some of the people

who've helped prepare this retrospective for Jim.

The world's largest concessionaire,

Mr. Walter M. Clevens. Walter.

(applause)

Jim, you've given me years of pleasure,

both on the screen and especially in ballparks

that sold Walter M. Clevens food and beverage.

- So, as a small token of my appreciation, - (laughter)

The Touchdown dogs and Blitzburgers are on the house!

- Jim: Alright. (chuckle) - (applause)

Oh, and thank you very much, Mr. Clevens.

And I would like to thank Arliss Michaels,

my very good friend and agent,

for putting on such a wonderful event.

(applause)

Jim, not only are you

the greatest running back that ever played the game,

but you're also a damn fine actor,

who's appeared in over 30 motion pictures.

Well then, Mr. Michaels, you must have really appreciated

the verisimilitude of his appearance in "Any Given Sunday".

Oh, absolutely. I thought Jim stole the picture.

Proving, once again,

that athletes can cross over into acting.

Well, sure, look at former Giants great, Lawrence Taylor.

He was in the same film.

Bad example, I thought L.T. sucked.

(laughter)

("Take Me Out To The Ballgame" ringtone)

(beep)

Kirby Carlisle.

- ♪ ♪ - You know those expense reports I've been asking you about

Every day for the last two weeks?

Yeah, can I call you back?

They're about to screen "Crack House."

I need them. Now.

Okay, okay. I've seen it twice anyway.

Oh, oh, and pick me up some lunch, would you?

Something nutritious.

No problem.

Oy.

We're proud to award Jim Brown

the Motion Picture Institute's

Lifetime Achievement Award.

Jim, congratulations.

(applause)

Thank you, thank you very much.

Jim: Yeah!

- (crunching sound) - ♪ ♪

- Arliss, get up. - I can't!

Come on. I haven't seen any of his movies, I'm standing.

No, I mean, I can't! My back, it's out!

His back is out.

What?

- Okay, hold on... - Don't touch it, don't touch it!

Ow!

Oh, oh, oh!

Relax. Is that better?

D-d-don't touch it, I know exactly what it is.

It's "L5 S1." What?

"L5 S1," it's my vertebrae. It runs in my family.

Everybody's got a bad back.

That explains why you never pick up any checks.

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Ryan Klesko.

Yo, Ryan, what's up?

Arliss, why'd you dis me?

What?

I was at the Chateau Royale with Amy and her parents.

I waved to you, and you just blew me off.

I haven't been to the Chateau Royale!

You blew me off!

The least my agent can do is say hello to my family.

Ryan, I didn't blow you off. Listen...

No.

Ryan? Ry... Shit.

(hangs up phone)

(sigh) Help me up.

This is nutritious?

Hey, it's got lettuce, ketchup, a pickle...

Fat, cholesterol, bleached flour...

Oh, and it's stone cold!

Oh, you know, if you don't want it...

I didn't say that.

(crunching sound)

Ah! What?

- ♪ ♪ - Ah!

Jesus Christ!

- It's a ring! - Let me see that.

Oh! "To Elroy, for 20 years' service.

Walter M. Clevens."

I could have swallowed that!

I'm calling Clevens' corporate headquarters.

Wait a minute, put that phone down. Why?

If you call Walter Clevens now,

you'll get an apology, maybe 10 Blitzburgers.

On the other hand, it's a pretty small ring.

What are you suggesting?

You swallow it.

What!?

Walter Clevens is the biggest concessionaire in sports.

And I can guarantee you, they will settle this

for a lot of money just to keep it quiet.

Listen, this is the chance of a lifetime.

Don't let it pass.

That's just what I'm afraid of.

That it won't pass.

Stanley, this is your chance to hit the jackpot.

To make your wildest dreams come true.

My wildest dreams?

(French music)

♪ ♪

Kirby's voice: Stanley,

it's your digestive system.

If you don't want to do it, I can understand.

It's a crazy idea.

Om!

(laughing)

(gagging) ♪ ♪

(choking)

Okay, okay, I get 33 percent.

Agreed, agreed? (choking)

Okay!

He's choking! Someone's choking in here!

- Stanley, Stanley! - Oh my God, Stanley!

He swallowed something that was in his Blitzburger!

A hamburger, I don't know what it was!

No, no, no! I know the Heimlich maneuver! I'll get it out!

No, no, no, that's too dangerous!

He's got to swallow it!

- Swallow! Swallow! - (cries of pain)

Swallow the fucking thing!

Ah! Oh! Oh!

Stanley, are you alright?

No, he's not alright,

this man just swallowed a foreign object!

I gotta get him to the doctor right now!

Stanley!? (groaning in pain)

(phone ringing)

Ow... Stanley Babson's office.

Yes, one moment, please.

Arliss, it's the manager to the Chateau Royale.

He needs to talk to you!

Arliss Michaels.

Mr. Michaels, it's Martin from the Chateau Royale.

I just wanted to know if the suits you ordered

should be delivered to your room or your office?

Hold on a second, the suits that I ordered?

The double breasted Armani and the formal Brioni.

Martin, I didn't order any suits.

Sorry, Mr. Michaels, but your name is on the account.

It's not possible. Are you sure it's my name?

Yes, I recognize the signature.

My signa...

♪ ♪

Martin, I'll get back to you, okay?

Man: Leave some extra ice and glasses, my man.

I never know when I'm gonna get lucky.

And, uh, here's a little something for your trouble.

Still playing big shot, Archie?

How are you, big brother?

So, uh, what am I looking at here?

A four page Mastercard bill?

Five pages?

Oh.

I think this little family reunion

could use some lubrication.

Drink?

Seeing as I'm buying, no.

So, how long have you been here?

Five days. Five days.

I'm gonna need two more.

I have a most auspicious opportunity.

You know what I have in here?

I don't want to know.

Security. Financial security.

Some entrepreneurial Russians

are gonna pay me top ruble for what I have in here.

You're fucking with the Russian mob. Are you nuts?

(laughing) No, no, these guys are legit.

Oh, sure they are.

Look, Archie, I don't know what scam you're pulling this time,

but I don't want you using me, understand?

I'm not using you, Pudge.

Right. You just have these pictures lying around

because you miss me so much.

Look, so I have some photos around to boost my cache.

That handsome Michaels' face is going to elevate prices.

- You should be flattered. - Flattered?

Pudge, listen... No, you listen.

I want you out of here by tomorrow, understand?

And don't call me Pudge.

Just let me close this deal.

By tomorrow, otherwise I blow the whistle.

You remember Mexico, don't you?

(traffic sounds)

♪ ♪

Ah!

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's stuck.

Yeah, right there, right there. Oh!

See? You're not trying hard enough!

You gotta do some jumping jacks.

Huh? C'mon, c'mon.

Last night, I had a dream

that a rhinestone was protruding from my navel.

And a vendor named Elroy, who was missing a finger,

reached in and plucked it out.

Yeah, well, check this out.

This here says that the Walter M. Clevens Corporation

is a billion and a half dollar company

that sells concessions in 140 ballparks.

It's a public company, they got shareholders.

Believe me, he does not want this thing to come out.

(stomach gurgling)

Oh, my God.

Yes?

Oh, my God!

Go, go, go! Oh, my God!

Go, go, go!

Yes, yes!

You're coming with me.

Me? What do you need me for?

You want that 33%? You're gonna earn it.

Oh, my God!

How's it going, Ronnie?

(laughter)

Rita: Arliss actually was stuck in the garbage can?

Tell us more!

More what?

Oh, hey Pudge,

I was just telling Rita and everybody

about how you got your nickname, Pudge.

Archie was telling us stories about when you were growing up.

Explains a lot.

Yeah, Archie's real good at telling stories.

♪ ♪

Hey, Rita, we're expecting some company in an hour.

Can you keep the conference room free?

Free for...?

Our smoking gun.

Ugh, am I smoking.

You got it out?

No I passed it, he got it out.

Ew!

Wait a minute.

You swallowed that with food?

You're gonna sue, right?

Oh yeah, it's gonna make us millions.

Well, listen, you can make a whole lot more

if you keep that thing stuck in your guts.

Archie, would you mind waiting for me in my office?

I'll be right there. No, it's fine.

I'll just make myself at home.

Excuse us, we've gotta go get ready.

Ow...

(laughs) I love your brother!

Yeah, that's 'cause he's not your brother.

Trust me, he's a phony.

Oh, c'mon, I think he's charming.

Oh, he's charming, alright.

Charming enough to cost me $30,000 in a land deal,

$40,000 for selling fake purified water,

and $157,000 to make up for what he embezzled from my clients.

Oh, boy.

Now, he's dealing with the Russians.

You know, the last time he called me, he was in Mexico,

fencing phony Prada purses.

Wanted $5,000 to buy off the cops.

I said enough is enough.

Thought if he spent a night or two in jail,

it might do him some good.

Do him some good?

Yeah, guess it didn't work.

I ask you to leave town, you come into my office.

You got balls.

I was just wanting to talk to my big brother.

Yeah, well I'm busy. Talk fast.

This Russian thing's gonna be huge.

Yeah. If they don't kill you first.

They're legit.

Seriously. (chuckles)

When I cash in, I'm gonna pay you back everything.

"Everything."

Everything.

This is gonna be an Arliss-caliber score.

You know how you make an Arliss-caliber score, Archie?

You work your ass off. You don't bullshit.

You think I'm always bullshitting.

- Yeah, I do! - ♪ ♪

You thought I was bullshitting when I called you from Juarez,

asking for five grand to pay off the cops.

Well, actually, I didn't think you were bullshitting.

I was thinking I wasn't gonna pay it.

A couple nights in jail might teach you a lesson.

Yeah, except it wasn't a couple nights.

It was four months.

When I couldn't come up with the five grand

that I promised the Federales,

they, uh, got creative with the charges.

Four months?

For five lousy grand, I could have walked away

from that piss-hole prison.

But you had to play daddy, didn't you?

Wanted to teach me a lesson.

Well, you know what I learned in Mexican prison, big brother?

I learned how to cover up,

so they'd beat my arms instead of my head.

I learned to eat cockroaches.

I learned abuse.

You know...

Maybe I pulled some shit that I shouldn't have.

And maybe, I was a disappointment to you.

But, there's one thing I know.

If that had been my brother down there,

I'd have gotten him out.

Arch... Sorry to bother you.

And don't worry about the hotel, I'm checking out tonight.

Mr. Clevens, do you know what this is?

Of course, I do.

It's a commemorative ring

we give to long-time employees of Walter M. Clevens.

Looks like it's been through the mill.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the mill it went through.

This ring was in one of your Blitzburgers.

And it was swallowed by Mr. Babson.

I guess Blitzburger provides the daily

recommended allowance of cubic zirconium.

We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience,

and we'd like to offer you a gift certificate

for a free dozen Blitzburgers.

(exaggerated gag)

A dozen Blitzburgers?

We want $10 million.

Oh, you listen to me, you little pissant...

Walter, your blood pressure.

McDonald's paid seven million for making their coffee too hot!

Your food was poisoned!

My food is not poisoned!

(exaggerated groaning)

Walter, maybe we should settle.

Oh, settle nothing.

I'll not be blackmailed by this vermin!

There will be a full-scale investigation

into what really goes into ballpark food!

Like the ingredients in cotton candy,

Or Frosty Malts.

That goo you pass off as cheese in the nachos?

That green shit you got on snow cones.

Now you hear me...

I will drop dead before I pay you $10 million!

- Walter, easy. - I will drop dead...

(gasping)

Oh, don't act sick.

- It's a fair offer. - Walter!

Quick, call a paramedic!

Oh, my God!

Not so fast.

Do we have a deal or don't we?

Archie: So, Arliss knew that I was a crazy Joe Namath fan,

and he took me to the Jets/Raiders championship game.

Now, I'm like nine, I guess that'd make Arliss twelve.

Anyway, we're there in Shea, we're in the upper deck,

in the open end of the stadium, right?

And it's about five below.

The coldest I've ever been in my life.

Arliss hugged me up like that, so we'd stay warm.

Oh, he hugged you. That is so sweet.

My feet were so cold,

he poured hot chocolate down in my shoes

just to get some feeling back. (laughing)

Anyway, in the fourth quarter, the Raiders go up,

and I start to cry.

I just can't stand the thoughts of losing.

And Arliss promised me, he guaranteed me,

the Jets were gonna come back and win the game.

And they did.

We were screaming, dancing, shouting.

I don't think we've ever been that close.

And, um...

how did I pay him back?

The next week, I stole his Daniel Boone hat.

His what?

Daniel Boone was his favorite television show.

He'd sing the theme song, wearing his coonskin hat.

That was his prized procession.

But, there was this girl I wanted to impress,

and I gave it to her.

I don't think he's ever forgiven me for that.

Did you really embezzle the money from his clients?

That's not what it was intended for.

But, uh...

I was involved with some dubious people,

and I had some gambling debts.

No, I shouldn't have risked losing that money.

But, you did.

Yeah, but in two hours I can pay Arliss back everything.

Another sure thing?

No dubious people, I hope.

You know, Rita, I really don't need a lecture from you.

I know exactly what I'm doing, but thanks.

- And thanks for the drink. - Archie, that wasn't what I meant.

I was... You Arliss Michaels?

- ♪ dramatic music ♪ - What if I am?

I'm Lawrence Taylor,

and who the hell are you to critique my performance?

Well...

What the fuck you talking about?

Film critics of America

put me on the honorable mention list.

- Well... - L.T., when Arliss said that he was joking...

- It wasn't an... oh! - Rita...

Jeffrey Lyons, he called my performance rhapsodic,

poignant.

Get the fuck out of my face.

L.T., you're mistaken because this isn't even...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh God. Okay.

So, you want to be a critic, huh?

Sorry ass motherf...

I told you to get out of my face...

(crunching)

What happened?

It's my back.

I've thrown out my back.

I didn't do nothing!

I can't move.

(painful grunt)

Let me guess, "L5 S1?"

I'll take you to the hospital.

I ordered you a salad, ranch dressing,

chicken Kiev, an order of chocolate bread pudding.

Actually two, I haven't eaten anything.

Thanks, Rita, but I'm not staying long enough for dinner.

I've gotta get... ow!

Don't move!

What the hell happened?

Lawrence Taylor gave a riveting and poignant performance

as someone pissed off with Arliss Michaels.

Oh, shit.

I got you an egg cream.

Where the hell'd you get an egg cream in LA?

Hey, I've got my sources.

Also some Bazooka.

Comic books!

Uh, Superman, Batman, Aquaman.

They didn't have Fantastic Four.

So, um...

What are they giving you?

Medrol Dosepak,

- Halcion, Vicodin. - Halcion, Vicodin, yeah.

They want to give him an MRI.

Possibly, an epidural.

I can't stay here long enough for an MRI! I've gotta get...

Ow! Stay down!

Don't move!

Arliss, the deal goes down tonight.

With the Russians? Mm-hmm.

You're better off. Stay here, don't worry.

They flew into this country specifically for this meeting.

Shit.

I've gotta get to that suitcase.

I can't disappoint these guys.

He can't go anywhere.

Well, can't you just put it off for a of couple days?

How well do you know them?

We phone, we fax. I've never met them face to face.

♪ ♪

You've never met them face to face?

No... Oh!

What's in it?

I don't know.

Weapons, drugs, plutonium.

This is so exciting.

I feel like The Spy Who Came In From The Cold.

(knocking)

Okay, don't say a word. Just stand there,

Look intimidating, impenetrable.

Good luck.

Hello, Mr. Michaels.

(speaking Russian)

Look, c'mon in! Make yourself at home.

You don't mind if I keep the door open, do you?

Get a little ventilation going on in here.

(door slams shut)

Hey, can I offer anybody a drink?

(speaking Russian)

Vodka would be sufficient.

Ah...

Vodka!

Arliss: Milk from the motherland.

Smirnoff.

Stoli!

Kahlua-ski!

So, how are things in Russia these days?

Kremlin going crazy.

Arresting everybody. Stupid!

Yeah, well things aren't so great here either.

But, they're getting better!

Unless they get worse.

And then,

for no apparent reason,

inexplicably, things change.

(speaking Russian)

Don't even think it, guys.

She's silent, but lethal.

Licensed to kill.

And she's the only one who has the combination.

And so...

Have you what we want?

We have you what you want.

Oh.

(locks click)

(speaking Russian)

(hiss)

Ah...

We've been waiting for this a long time.

And now we have it.

Endless supply.

Nothing can stop us now.

(Daniel Boone theme)

♪ ♪

Arliss, are those...

Daniel Boone hats?

Yeah, it's big hit now in Russian TV.

Everybody want one.

You want hat?

He's got hats! He's got hats!

Together: It's Crazy Vanya!

"Crazy Vanya."

"Crazy Vanya."

♪ Daniel Boone was a man ♪

♪ Yes, a real man ♪

♪ And he fought for America to make all Americans free... ♪

Not only did they meet your price,

but then, when I told them I can get

Jim Brown to endorse the caps,

they kicked in another 200 grand.

No! Yeah!

(laughing)

But how do you know Jim Brown?

He retired 30 years ago.

Yeah, but ESPN Classic sports is airing there now,

and he's leading the league in rushing.

(laughing)

Thanks, Pudge.

No problem, Scooter.

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, hey, Archie! How you doing?

Not too bad, how are you guys?

How are we? We heard from Clevens' lawyers.

And they are willing to settle for $8 million!

Eight million!?

Eight million smackaroos!

Kirby, perhaps you should take a look at this fortune.

"Do not practice deceit. The truth shall set you free."

He doesn't practice deceit.

He's an expert.

(laughing)

So, how'd you guys work it?

How'd we work it? I made Stanley swallow the ring.

And now Clevens is coughing up the cash.

And we are doing the backstroke! Oh yeah!

♪ ♪

You fed him the ring!?

Charlatans! You get nothing!

Nothing, but my hands around your neck!

It was him, it was him!

I'll kill you, I'll kill you!

Whoa!

You're behind this, Michaels!

- You're behind this! - Me? What did I do?

(crunching)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh no, not again.

- Oh! Rita, Rita! - (Daniel Boone theme)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, an "L5 S1."

I'll get the nurse.

Oh God, oh God. Move over. Move over. Yeah.

Move. Come on.

Go on. Get in here. Oh! Oh!

(hyperventilating)

Try to relax. Breathe. Breathe.

Here, let's read something here.

What is it? What is it?

Oh, Batman.

Yeah, did you see the movies?

Yeah, the first one was good, the other ones sucked.

♪ Daniel Boone was a man ♪

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

Archie: My name is Archie Michaels.

Together: This was our story.

♪ ... Was he ♪

♪ Daniel Boone was a man ♪

♪ Yes, a big man ♪

♪ He was brave, he was fearless ♪

♪ And as tough as a mighty oak tree ♪

♪ From the coonskin cap on the top of ol' Dan ♪

♪ To the heel of his rawhide shoe ♪

♪ The rippin'est, roarin'est, fightin'est man ♪

♪ The frontier ever knew ♪

♪ Daniel Boone was a man ♪

♪ Yes, a big man ♪

♪ What a boon, what a doer ♪

♪ What a dream come-a truer ♪

♪ Was he ♪

(newscast music)

♪ ♪

Jeffrey Lyons: This is Jeffrey Lyons with the movie review.

"Any Given Sunday" is a formulaic,

but effectively done football movie

starring Al Pacino as an aging NFL coach,

slow to adjust to the changes in the game

and the men who play it.

Jamie Foxx is one of his stars on the team,

who has some learning to do himself,

and his character evolves convincingly.

But, the standout in the movie

is former Giants linebacker, Lawrence Taylor,

who gives a performance that can only be described as

rhapsodic and poignant.

He plays an injury-plagued linebacker

trying to prolong his career.

And the ironies afoot

with casting old number 56 in that role are abundant.

Pacino is over the top, when it's called for,

and "Any Given Sunday,"

while breaking no new ground in the genre,

is still an absorbing, powerfully performed drama

about football, and the short careers of the men who play it.