Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

16, 17, 18, 19.

20!

The Animal.

Take a break.

Don't wanna burn out before the game.

I'm gonna elevate my game, Stanley.

And Reggie's coming to my house tonight.

Your house!

My house! Uuh!

I'm gonna smack his weak ass shit!

His little shake and bake ain't gonna work in here.

Speak the word, brother, he's fucking with a Yale man.

All my career it's been "Reggie this" and "Reggie that".

Tonight, it's my turn.

Charlie, I deem you ready.

Y'damn right!

So? Skybar after the game?

You got it.

Male announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome, L.A.'s team mascot,

the one, the only, Bucky the Beaver!

Ooh-ooh!

Male: So lame!

You suck, beaver!

Male announcer: How about a big hand for everybody's friend, Bucky!

Hey, Charlie.

The beaver was your college roommate?

Yes.

Who says you can't find work as a philosophy major?

Ha!

Charlie was Phi Beta Kappa.

His intellect still blows me away.

Well, he sure blows tonight.

(laughing)

I'm getting some popcorn.

Tough room.

Charlie's still got it.

Reggie's just in his head.

Oh, horseshit, he's hanging on way past his prime.

Said the pot to the kettle.

Arliss.

Armstrong?

You remember, uh, Luc Robitaille?

Wait, of course, you used to represent Luc

up until, what, uh...

Tuesday.

Hey, Arliss, no hard feelin's, huh?

No, no, it happens.

I enjoyed doing business you,

and maybe someday we can do it again.

I wouldn't keep the porch light on.

You know what I'm really gonna miss about AMM?

My personal touch?

No, I'm gonna miss Rita.

(laughing)

(cheering and chanting)

Prick!

Male announcer: Here he comes,

The world's greatest living mascot,

Reggie the Rooster!

(crowing)

(cheering)

♪ He's Reggie the Rooster ♪

♪ Look at him ♪

♪ He's Reggie the Rooster ♪

(screaming)

Ah! Ah! Oh, look, look!

(laughing)

Oh, hello.

Thank you.

(cheering)

(laughing)

Did you see me, did you see me, did you see me?

You were great, you were great.

There is nobody,

nobody better than the rooster.

He gives them what they want.

I mean, your buddy's act isn't exactly fresh.

(jeering)

Hey, beaver, you suck.

(laughing)

That cock rocks.

I think Big Bird has more talent.

Hey, let's see if the beaver can fly. (laughs)

Whoaaa!

Ooh!

Crowd: Oooh...

(squawking)

(squawking)

(laughing and applause)

(squawking)

You see, now, that's funny.

(buzzer)

Okay, halftime's over, time to beat the traffic.

Ciao.

(clucking)

He's not moving. He's not moving.

(groaning)

You'll be okay.

You're a Yalie.

I guess he missed the trampoline, huh?

No, he did not miss the trampoline.

This man is an athlete.

He was assaulted by crapulous, degenerate fans

- who should be arrested! - (groan)

Uh... Uh-huh? Uh-huh, huh? Nice!

Where was the security?

Whoaaa! Guess the beaver had a little too much

bark wine!

(laughing)

Ohh!

Kirby: So, what are you wearin'?

Your little French maid's outfit?

Huh? Your school nurse whites?

Oh-ooh, Heidi, the Bavarian beer wench.

Oh-ho, my alpine horn is startin' to toot.

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Hello?

Heavy breathing male: I like my meat juicy, and sweet.

- Who is this? - (heavy breathing)

Pervert.

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Male: Rita Wu, I'm watching you.

Heidi, little Fraulein...

you're wearing lederhosen.

Hope we can do some hosin' later.

You are sick!

- What? - You are so juvenile.

"Rita Wu, I'm watching you."

Loosen that headset,

it's cuttin' off the blood to your brain.

Calling me up, panting like a drooling...

Whoa, whoa, calling you up?

Yes. At home.

At three in the morning. And at work.

Oh, sweetness, don't flatter yourself.

Don't you have anything better to do

than make prank phone calls?

Rita, it ain't me.

Female: and now I'm Calamity Jane.

I'm wearing buckskin chaps and a two-gun rig.

Okay, it wasn't you.

Hmm.

Female: Are you there, big boy?

Charlie's got three broken ribs,

a fractured tibia, brain swelling...

Aw, how's his tail?

Arliss, that's not funny.

What was I reading about beavers

just the other day?

There was something I read about beavers...

He's facing hundreds of thousands of dollars

in medical bills.

Aw, the club will pick it up.

No, they won't. He's an independent contractor,

and like 40 million other people in this country,

- (phone ringing) - he doesn't have health insurance.

Am I hearin' a phone?

Would you get that? Some weirdo pervert keeps calling me.

Arliss Michaels.

Who is it?

Your mother.

Oh.

Hi, Mommy.

Arliss!

Now, I remember.

Do you know what the second leading cause of death in beavers is?

Trees falling on them.

They never look up.

They fail to see the big picture.

Let that be a lesson to all of us.

Teamwork, teamwork, teamwork!

So, you're gonna help me organize

a charity fundraiser for Charlie.

Heh, not a chance in hell.

(door closing)

No, I'm not dating anyone.

Arliss!

We need help.

Reggie's holding out.

Who?

Reggie, Reggie Rooster, who.

The other mascots won't take this benefit seriously

unless the rooster is there.

Well, round him up a couple of Rhode Island reds. Pay attention, son.

I'm below his radar. But the rooster will take a meeting with you.

Why don't you just call his agent?

He doesn't have one.

He doesn't have an agent?

He doesn't need one.

He makes four million a year.

His Q-rating is so high,

It's knocked "Z" off the end of the alphabet.

I'll meet with the rooster.

Just call...

Really?

Sure. I wanna help your little otter buddy.

Uh... Uh... Beaver, beaver, great.

One thing you should know.

Yeah, what?

The rooster never takes off his outfit.

Never?

Never.

He won't divulge his true identity.

Oh, that's okay, I never divulge mine.

(both laughing)

It gets better, all right?

So, we're in the back of the limo,

Next thing I know, she pulls out the little cock.

Suddenly, the big cock's driving!

Right? Ah-woo!

No!

Tell me about it, huh?

Guess you had to get outta the costume

for that one, eh? (laughs)

What do you mean?

Nothing. Nothing.

So, palsy... I'm booked 350 days a year, all right?

I'm spokesman for the American Poultry Association,

and I'm pullin' in a cool mill in licensing alone.

You give me one good reason why I should hire an agent.

So you can work less and make more.

Continue.

Our agency can get you into packaging,

putting you into projects with direct access to our clients.

Continue.

For example, how about a Saturday morning

sports talk show for kids?

Yeah... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids love me.

That's my key demographic.

Well, you're gonna need guests.

Maybe a jock sidekick?

Hey, hey, I... I know, uh, HBO's lookin' for someone

to replace that jock show they've got.

The one on Sunday night?

I like that guy.

Yeah, you know what, sparky?

You and I might be able to do some business.

(squawk)

(clears throat)

Look, uh, there... There's one more thing.

Um... uh, did you hear what happened to, uh, Bucky the beaver?

Oh, yeah, terrible.

I mean, uh, guy's a hack,

But I always hate to see one of the tribe go down, ya know.

Well, one of my guys is tight with the beav,

and he's puttin' together a benefit

to help pay for the medical bills.

That sounds like a good cause. I'm in for 10 grand.

Ten grand, that's great!

Yeah, make out the check to "Crack of Dawn Enterprises."

M... Make... Make out what check?

Oh, 10 grand's my appearance fee.

And, uh, I want my usual, uh, rider.

That means, uh, goin' on last,

world's greatest living mascot,

let's see, double wide air stream.

Of course, I want tickets for my girlfriend,

Feather Locklear.

Get it? Feather, hah! (crows)

C'mon, Rita, let me see a jab.

C'mon, left, right, left, right.

You gotta put some power in those punches, girl.

I'm trying.

Look, Rita, you get out what you put in, okay?

Easy for you to say, Laila.

You're a professional fighter.

Your father is...

Muhammad Ali.

Ugh... oh... ugh...

(phone ringing)

Oh, my phone.

(phone continues ringing)

Okay. All right, thanks.

Hello?

Male: I like my meat juicy, and sweet.

It... It's him! It's him!

(heavy breathing)

Oh, no... okay, Rita, look.

This guy comes after you,

this is what you need to know how to do.

Okay? You gotta hit him right here!

No, no, no, no, no, like this. Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh!

Harder.

Uhh! Uhh, uhh!

Yeah, yeah, that's right, girl.

- That's right. - Fucking pervert!

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

- That's it. - Uhh!

Hey, hey, Pauli girlfriend.

Nice hops.

(knocking on door) Hey, Kirby, you busy?

No, always got time for Oakland's top slugger, Jason Giambi.

Actually, I'm Jeremy.

And I'm Jason.

And I'm... I'm jokin'. (chuckles)

Like I can't tell the Giambi brothers apart? Ahh!

Well, uh, somebody can't, I keep gettin' Jeremy's paycheck.

And I keep getting Jason's.

Thinkin' about buyin' a new truck.

Right, but have you guys checked out this St. Pauli girl?

Is she hot or what?

I mean, look at this lace up dirndl

and the peasant skirt,

and the puffy sleeves, ooh...

(barks)

So, uh, Kirb, we gotta go.

Yeah, we'll see ya.

Yeah, see you later, okay.

(barks)

An Arliss Michaels Production starring Reggie the Rooster.

Black tie.

So, uh, how many tickets

can I put Baron Davis down for?

Man, I don't know, Arliss.

$1,000 a plate?

Wayne Newton hisself calls Reggie the Rooster

the world's greatest all-around entertainer.

The Rooster?

Or is it one of those impersonators?

Oh, trust me.

Aw, I'm in.

Man, what time you openin' up?

Yeah, yeah... all the mascots will be there,

even the rooster.

What do you say, big daddy?

Sure, Dan Wilkes'll always help an injured man.

I'll be happy to sing.

Uh, all the entertainment's taken care of. (chuckles)

What time do I go on?

If the Rooster's gonna be there,

Tracy McGrady should be there.

Uh, yeah, love the rooster.

Well, the tickets are only $1,000 a plate.

Tax deductible.

Arliss, um...

Come on, you're in your free agent year.

You're gonna be signing an $80 million contract.

Spring for a table.

Did I mention the Rooster's performing?

Arliss, I don't think you're gonna want me there.

Of course, I want you there.

I want all my clients there.

That's just it. I'm not your client anymore.

What are you talking about?

Arliss: Listen, Armstrong,

First Robitaille, now Tracy McGrady,

You scumbag motherfucker!

Oh, I'm sorry, Arliss.

I was talking to my secretary.

You were saying?

I was saying you stole my free agent, you fuck!

How long you been planning this?

I just happened to run into Tracy

at a Wu Tang Clan concert.

You just happened to be at a Wu Tang Clan concert,

you lyin' sack of shit!

It was serendipity.

It was a tongue up his ass!

Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk, Arliss.

I was thinking of buying tickets

to your, uh, little benefit, but, uh...

You want tickets to my benefit.

You want tickets to my ben...!

Mike? Hi, Stanley Babson.

How many tickets did you want? I could...

What I want to know

is how you're gonna sit with balls that big!

I'll buy a whole table.

And I'll pay for it

With my commission from... Tracy McGrady.

(laughing)

Shit, I can't...

Stop pacing.

It's a beaver benefit.

Uh, okay, wha... what do you think of this for an ice breaker?

I'd like to thank you folks

for putting on those wacky outfits

and comin' out tonight.

I'd like to thank the mascots, too.

(laughing) It's horrible.

Shit!

Where are my notes?

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

Rita?

(screams)

Aaah!

Ooh... Oh! Kirby, I'm...

- Oh, shit! - Sorry, I thought you were...

Oh, I'm so sorry...

- I can't... - Let's go, let's go,

Bucky's waiting!

Aaah! Jesus! Oh, my...

Craig, man, you'll dig it, he's the best, man.

He's the best... Baron!

Baron, how's Charlotte's big stinger?

All right. Hey, where's the Rooster at?

The Rooster? He's backstage preening,

he's waitin' for the big show!

Can I sit up front?

I heard he likes to throw feathers

in the first couple rows.

Oh, you bet, this is an Arliss Michaels...

Arliss.

Oh, hi.

You must be the, uh, future former Mrs. Armstrong.

Baron, I don't believe we've ever met...

No, you haven't.

Baron, table's right up front there.

Go near him,

and I'll stick a butter knife through your heart. (chuckles)

Oh, enjoy.

Male: Dear God, please bless this gatherin',

and give us the strength to bless our enemies,

and the forbearance to forgive their shortcomings,

and to help us all remember that we are all God's creatures.

Amen.

Stay away, stay away.

He's mine, get the fuck away from him.

Rita: Okay, that means I need the leprechaun, mouse and wolf

on deck, please. Leprechaun, mouse and wolf on deck, please.

Jesus, Kirby, slow down.

You're drinkin' like a fish.

Oh, this is medicinal.

General anesthesia. I got an injury.

Yeah?

Well, you got an admirer.

Hmm?

(coughs)

Hi, there.

I'm the naughty goddess of the harvest...

and sex.

Wanna be my Thor?

Then come with me.

(singing off-key) ♪ I've got sunshine ♪

♪ On a cloudy day ♪

♪ When it's cold outside ♪

There's a problem with the rooster.

You have to go talk to him.

Now?

Do you want a rooster or not? Go talk to him.

Okay, don't move.

I don't trust that son of a bitch as far as I can throw him.

- Keep your eyes on him. - Mm-hm.

♪ What can make me feel this way ♪

♪ My girl ♪

Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you're leaving?

This is taking way too long, all right?

Item six-a in my rider.

The Rooster is on-site for three hours max.

Uh, Mr. Reggie, might I remind you that this is a benefit.

Hey, Curly, this doesn't involve you.

Oh, as I am the chairman of the fundraiser,

chicken lips, it does involve me!

Who you callin' chicken lips...

cueball?

Oh, I don't know, who else in the room is a bird?

Oh, look, you!

Guys... Ssh!

Oh-oh... Reggie, how can we make this work?

Cut the leprechaun. Stanley: What?

The leprechaun's cut, anything else?

And the wolf, they both suck anyway.

The wolf is great!

W... Whatever you want, Reggie, whatever you want!

All right, send a waitress,

this buffet is fucking pathetic!

Whatever you want, babe, whatever you want.

(moaning)

Ooh... ooh... ow... ooh...

Hurry, hon, don't worry about protection.

I'm all taken care of.

My fiord is gettin' wet.

Oh, ho...

Aah... Oh! Aah! Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh... No... No, no, no, no, no, don't...

Aren't you Thor?

I'm more Thor than you can pothibly think.

Oh...

Aaaah! Oh...

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're gathered here this evening

to help a friend through difficult times.

What happened to him

could happen to any one of us.

It is my honor

to introduce to you, my friend and yours...

Bucky Beaver...

Charlie Fugate!

(applause)

He's a hero.

Charlie Fugate.

I thought you talked to the Rooster.

Where is he? He should be here.

You go handle it, I'm not leaving here,

I'm on sentry duty.

Go, go!

All right, let me have the, uh, tricolore salad.

Tricolore salad.

Yeah, soft shell crab.

Soft shell crab.

Yeah, and the, uh, New York strip.

End cut.

And how would you like your steak prepared?

Hoo-hoo, oo-hoo, I like my meat juicy, and sweet.

You!

Ho-ho-ho, you betcha, baby!

Surprise!

Oh...

(low squawking)

Come into the roost, baby, you know you want it.

Oh... oh...

(squawking)

Aaah!

(squawks in pain)

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...

Uh... Ahh!

You're madder than a wet hen, baby... ooh!

Oh!

Hey, guys, it's showtime!

Shit, what the hell happened?

It was him.

The phone pervert!

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon...

Rita, he's not moving, he's not moving!

He didn't know, but now he do.

Don't pick a fight with Rita Wu!

Rita, Rita, quick, quick, put on the costume!

I'm not putting on that pervert's rooster-wear, no way.

Baron Davis is out there, so is mike Armstrong.

They're expecting a fuckin' rooster!

Well, you better get them a rooster!

I can't do this.

Yes, you can. Now go out there and break a leg.

Can't.

Or a... a thigh or something.

Oh...

Hey, sexy.

Ooh!

♪♪

Stanley: Ladies and gentlemen...

it's time for the grand finale!

(under his breath) fuckin' wear this shit...

Reggie, nice of you to make it.

You're on.

Stanley, it's not Reggie, it's me.

Arliss?

Arliss, what are you doing in there?

Where's Reggie?

Sugar Ray Wu knocked him out cold.

What the hell am I gonna do?

Wing it!

(applause and cheers)

- ♪ One ♪ - Ow!

♪ Singular sensation ♪

- (laughter) - ♪ Every little step he takes ♪

♪ One ♪

Oh!

Jesus Christ.

Folks, that rooster is one foul act.

(groaning)

What?

Armstrong.

Okay, you wanna play?

Let's play.

Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck...

(cheers and applause)

(laughs)

Oh-ho-ho!

(laughs)

(squawks)

Uh, that's...

Yeah.

Ooh... Havana.

Wahh! (clucks)

That's a $50 cigar, you prick. (laughs)

Wah! (clucks)

Wah, wah, wah, wah... Phony, phony, phony, phony.

(gasps)

(applause)

(laughs)

(clucking)

Oh...

You cocksucker.

Buck, buck, buck.

Bwuck, bwuck, bwuck, bwuck...

(laughing)

(applause)

Bwuck, bwuck, bwuck.

I didn't have a butter knife on me, buddy.

(squawking)

Arliss.

Buck, buck, here we go, big finish, big finish.

Kick like you mean it.

♪ He's the one ♪

♪ Buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ Buck buck buck ♪

That's all folks!

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

This was some story.

♪ Buck, buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ Buck buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ Buck, buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ Buck buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ Buck, buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ Buck buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ Buck, buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ Buck buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ He's Reggie the Rooster ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ He's Reggie the Rooster ♪

♪ That cock can rock ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ He's Reggie the rooster ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ He's Reggie the rooster ♪

♪ That cock can rock ♪

♪ Buck, buck buck buck buck, buck buck buck buck, buck ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Buck, buck buck buck buck, buck buck buck buck, buck ♪

♪♪

♪ He's Reggie the Rooster ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Buck, buck buck buck buck ♪

♪ He's Reggie the Rooster ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ He's Reggie the Rooster ♪

♪ That cock can rock ♪

♪ He's Reggie the Rooster ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪

♪ Reggie the Rooster ♪

♪ That cock can rock ♪