Original subtitles

(dramatic music)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

(shouting)

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

They marched us for 80 miles through the jungle.

There was no food, no water.

If you fell down, you got shot.

Then they got tired of wasting bullets,

so, someone went down. They just picked up the machete

and cut off his head.

500 men in my unit started on that march.

Only 75 of us survived.

How in the hell did you make it through that, Grand-da?

How?

The same way that

Mickey O'Mara became

the new welterweight champion of the world.

By picking himself off the canvas

and knocking out Hector Lopez.

(cheering)

To Mickey.

Yeah, but he shouldn't of let himself get

knocked on his ass by that tomato can in the first place.

I know, I know.

Hm, you got lazy, didn't ya?

Here.

Come on, answer me.

How did you get through it?

What?

In battle you got to reach down

deep inside you,

pull out fear, and whip it into courage.

It's a discipline the military teaches you.

Besides, your grandmother was waiting for me.

Another round, Jackie, I can't fly on one wing.

Coming right up, Duffy.

Hey, 75 cent beers.

I'm gonna start coming here.

Another one please.

How about you?

No, I'm fine.

No. I mean, did you serve?

No, I didn't.

Wanted to.

I was going to.

But the night before I was gonna enlist,

they found out I had flat feet.

Flat feet.

(laughing)

Cold feet's more like it, I'll bet.

No, no.

Donny Sadowski and I were going in as

part of the buddy system.

What's the buddy system?

During Vietnam, if you and a friend enlisted together,

the buddy system guaranteed that the two of you would serve

the same outfit throughout your entire tour of duty.

So, what happened to Sadowski?

He went in.

I think he's still in.

A lifer?

Oh, oh! To Sadowski!

Sadowski.

- Hey, Grand-da. - Hm?

Tell me another war story.

We were all set to invade Japan...

Arliss: In this great land,

sometimes we take for granted our freedoms.

Our memories are too short.

We should never forget who was here first.

Get your Scalpin' Sammy souvenir finger!

I love going to baseball games,

I can relax, just be a regular guy.

- Bruce Smith, you're my favorite football player. - Yeah.

Can I have your autograph?

Yeah, sure.

Write clearly, first and last name only.

Uh, what is this?

It's a petition to force the removal of Scalping Sammy.

Ah, thank you, but no, thank you.

Only 10 more.

Sorry, pal.

Writer's cramp.

Stanley, I'll meet you at the seats.

It is a very offensive stereotype.

My people cringe every time we see it.

It's a mascot, Mister...?

Silvercloud, Charlie Silvercloud.

I am chief of the Chumash Reservation.

And we take this mascot very seriously.

I think you're being a little oversensitive.

Scalpin' Sammy represents a baseball team.

He's not a political statement.

The buck teeth, the blood red skin? The tomahawk?

That's a political statement.

Mr. Silvercloud, I respect your position,

but I'm a very busy man.

Look, Mister...?

Babson.

Mr. Babson, a wise man once said that,

"There are many humorous things in the world,

"among them the white man's notion that he is less savage

than the other savages."

With all due respect to your ancestors' proverbs...

It was Mark Twain that said that.

Good day.

Arliss: America's sense

of honor and dignity

is something that must never ever be traded.

Here's your ticket, Jacques.

They want you in Toronto for tomorrow's game.

Ah, being traded twice in one year.

Total bummer.

Mm, at least Yvette's happy.

Ottawa's closer than Los Angeles,

I get to see her and the kids more.

There you go, a silver lining.

Now, I've taken care of the change of address,

the cable, phone, water, power.

You'll have to forfeit your security deposit

because you're breaking the lease.

Mm, I could retire on the money I've lost on security deposits.

Occupational hazard, I'm so sorry.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

No, I've packed all of my personal stuff,

but I left a few things in the garage.

Give them to charity for me, will you?

Of course, Jacques, I'll take care of it.

Bye.

Good luck.

(laughing)

God, I love trades.

(laughing)

Seth, I'm going over your proposal

for the next five Mickey O'Mara fights.

We'd love to have Mickey here.

He's an HBO fighter.

This should be his home.

And we'd love to make HBO our home.

But the house has got to have more square footage,

if you catch my drift.

Now, here's what I'm thinking.

Five fights, seven million dollars.

What?

Arliss, those are heavyweight numbers.

Those are super heavyweight numbers.

Seth, what has a one inch dick and hangs down?

I don't know. What?

The vampire bat.

Now, what has a nine inch dick and hangs up?

(dial tone)

What's the answer?

Have you heard from Mickey?

He was supposed to be here at nine o'clock.

I left him at the bar at two in the morning

still listening to his Grand-da tell his war stories.

Oh, man. Don't worry about Mickey.

I mean, after all the nimrods we've had around here lately,

it's great to have a client whose head's on straight.

Arliss, I've got to take off.

I've got to get Jacques' stuff out of his place,

get the keys to the manager, you know the drill.

How long you gonna be?

That's hard to say.

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

- Rita, it's Mickey. Put Arliss on the phone. - Ah, hi, Mickey.

Hold please.

What did I tell ya?

Hey, champ, we were just...

Mickey: Help me, I'm in trouble, I'm in big trouble.

- What? - You gotta get me out of here now.

- I can't hear you! - (man shouting)

Mickey: I can't wait. I can't wait.

What's all that shouting?

Mickey: You gotta come down and get me. Arliss, Arliss.

You're where?

Clean it so you can eat out of it, private.

What in God's name were you thinking?

I thought I needed more discipline.

Discipline? You're the champ.

Well, my last three fights, I've been sleepwalking.

Then I heard all these war stories.

It sounded romantic.

(farting)

Romantic?

Then Kirby bought me three shots of Cuervo,

and I signed up.

Really?

They were three for a dollar.

I am this close to a deal with HBO.

Somehow I don't think this is the venue they had in mind.

You guys have got to get me out of here.

You gotta promise me, Arliss.

You gotta promise me

that you're going to get me out of here today.

Don't worry, I promise, I promise.

Don't worry, I'll go to war with your commanding officer

if I have to.

Colonel: A little late for that, isn't it, Arliss?

Sadowski?

Colonel Sadowski.

Long time, no see...

buddy.

Uh, that's $500.

Three, four, five, thank you.

Here, and I'll throw in a bag of tees.

Next.

Let's see... Lethal Weapon, Under Siege, The Fugitive.

Hm, testosterone theater, huh?

Oh.

These are for you?

For our library at the retirement home.

We could use a little action.

How many times can you watch Cocoon?

Oh, Unforgiven, Braveheart.

E.R.?

Let's hope it's the Clooney years.

50 dollars for the box.

Well, we were hoping that you could see it in your heart

to donate them.

Oh.

Well, if it were up to me, I would give them to you.

Unfortunately, I can't.

50 dollars.

Well, what about a senior discount?

Um, this is a yard sale, not the multiplex.

50 bucks, take it or leave it.

Thank you.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Rita, are you still at Jacques'?

If I'm gonna close this HBO deal,

I need you at the office.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Goodwill hasn't shown up yet. How's it going with you?

Ah, how's it going with me?

I've been on this base for over three hours.

Hey, hey, hey, Schwarzkopf.

Is there a military action going on that I don't know about?

I guess I'll meet you back at the office...

eventually, bye.

Right, bye.

This is cute.

Sorry that took so long, but...

then again you...

you know what it's like to keep someone waiting.

Come on.

I feel like driving.

Jeez, you still crush the ball, Donny. Phew.

Yeah, but my short game's gone to hell.

So, you're an agent, huh?

Yep.

That figures.

How so?

Kicking back, letting others do the heavy lifting.

So, um...

how's your mom?

She's dead.

Died 10 years ago.

I'm sorry to hear that.

She always liked you, Arliss.

You made her laugh.

She used to say, "Stick with Arliss, he's going places."

I guess I'm the one who went places, huh?

Donny, I...

Got a question for you.

While you were back here taking it easy,

did you ever stop and wonder how I was doing?

Whether I was alive or dead.

Of course.

I thought about you all the time.

Oh.

I must have lost those letters.

Donny, how did I know you were going to go through with it?

Because I said I was going to, Arliss.

Just like you said you were going to.

Some people keep their commitments.

I was starting to become disillusioned with the war.

Oh, bullshit!

You were never a conscientious objector.

You have no conscience.

You're an agent.

Donny, look, this isn't about you and me.

It's about Mickey O'Mara.

Oh, no.

That's where you're wrong.

This is about you and me.

He enlisted, he's gonna serve.

He's gonna fulfill his commitment.

C'mon, Mickey belongs in the army

about as much as Elvis did.

Payback time, buddy.

Computer: You've got mail.

(sighing)

More propaganda from Chief Silvercloud.

What the hell?

(big band music)

(drum beat, chanting)

(stick hitting bucket)

Joseph, stop that banging.

Do talk.

This is my son, Sonny.

He's a big football fan.

Oh.

Who's your favorite player?

I don't have one.

It used to be Bruce Smith.

Oh, Bruce is a client.

What happened?

Oh, he signed with the Redskins.

So, what are you studying?

Explorers.

Dad, in my book, it says that Balboa discovered the Pacific?

I guess our people never noticed the ocean.

American history books.

When the white man wins a battle,

it's a great military victory.

When the Indians win, it's a massacre.

I guess the winners get to write the history books.

Stereotypes like Scalpin' Sammy do great damage to our youth.

They lose their self-esteem.

Besides...

Scalping wasn't a native practice.

The white man started that.

Hm, I had no idea.

I'm not surprised.

So...

what do we do now?

I've been thinking.

Look, Mickey, the good news is

I think HBO's gonna go for the deal.

The bad news is it's gonna take a little longer than I thought

to get you out.

You know the military, everything by the book.

Arliss, you promised.

If you don't get me out, my hands are gonna be worthless.

Look at the positive, you'll have no trouble making weight.

Whoever you're talking to on that phone,

you tell them the next sound they're gonna hear

are your bowels gurgling

when I take that phone and shove it in your ass.

I got to go. Bye!

I'm not gonna lose the great white dope to Sadowski.

Look, Mickey's a boxer.

Why not just have him kick the shit out of his sergeant?

That's exactly what Sadowski wants.

I need him out, not court-martialed.

Have you seen Stanley...

Nice outfit, Cher.

I thought you were tied up doing charity work.

I was.

I got this at Goodwill.

They have an amazing summer collection.

- The Goodwill summer collection? - (phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Rita, it's Jacques.

Oh, hi, Jacques.

Don't worry, I took care of everything.

- Listen, did you come across a box of videotapes? - (woman shouting)

Lethal weapon, Bodyguard.

Right, right.

Did you find one marked E.R.?

Yes.

(sighs) Rita, please.

- Tell me that you still have it. - (shouting continues)

Actually, I don't, why?

My dear, you've got to get it back.

(sighs) Don't worry, I can get you a copy of the show.

I have a friend who knows Anthony Edwards.

Rita, E.R. isn't on that tape.

I don't understand, what is it?

Oh, no.

You and Yvette?

Doing...

Really?

Oh, my god.

Yes.

Yes, I will.

Of course. Bye.

(hangs up)

An injunction against Scalpin' Sammy!

On what grounds, counselor?

Civil rights, your honor.

You'd never have a Shylock money lender

or a spear chucking Zulu for a mascot.

So, why allow Scalpin' Sammy?

I love Scalpin' Sammy.

You're tampering with tradition.

Whose tradition?

A tradition that perpetuates an unflattering

and very offensive stereotype.

A very offensive stereotype.

You're gonna find yourself bumping up against the First Amendment here.

That's a tough wall to knock over.

Ah, but free speech has its limits.

You can't yell "fire" in a crowded theater.

Because that's a matter of public safety.

I fail to see who's getting hurt here.

Look a little harder.

Look, Chief, I appreciate your conviction on this issue,

but a ruling would set all kinds of precedents.

Are you then gonna want General Motors to rename

Cadillacs and Pontiacs?

I'm afraid at my age I might not have time to get 'em all.

If it's the Indians today,

tomorrow is it gong to be Cowboys in Dallas?

Cowboys in Dallas!

That is an occupation, it's not a race.

That is a ridiculous analogy.

Stanley, Stanley, it's...

Will you remind your client that I am

an officer of the United States Federal Court?

I think we're very clear on that.

Then let me make something else clear.

We're finished here.

I suggest you take your cause someplace else.

Right now...

I'm going to the ball game.

Um, your honor.

My people should have fought harder.

You asked for an injunction?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

You know, we do business with these people.

Exactly my point, we do business with these people, Arliss.

We can make a difference.

It's time we took a stand.

A stand, you mean like Custer's?

Sorry.

Don't be.

That one's on our highlight reel.

Look, I got my own problems

right now with the federal government.

With all due respect, I deal with clients, not mascots.

Mr. Michaels, don't you find it odd

that John Rocker is punished for his insensitive remarks

And then he is sent back to a team that uses

foam tomahawks and an insipid war chant?

Exactly. John Rocker's not a client.

You know, when I was at Cal,

every year before the Stanford game,

we'd kidnap their mascot and hold it hostage on our campus.

And what was the Stanford mascot?

An Indian.

Maybe we should kidnap Scalpin' Sammy.

They couldn't take him off your campus.

Why not?

The reservation is sovereign land.

They can't set foot on it without our permission.

Sovereign land?

Sovereign land.

Arliss Michaels, Kirby Carlisle.

Here to see Colonel Sadowski.

I don't see your name here, sir.

Excuse me, did you hear what I said?

We're here to see Colonel Donald Sadowski.

Yes, sir, it's standard procedure.

Procedure?

When the colonel finds out who kept him waiting, private,

you'll be busted faster than a rap star

in a New York City nightclub.

- Is that what you want, soldier? - Did...

Procedure! Do you want to be transferred to the front lines, soldier?

- No, sir. No, sir. - Is that what you want?

- Do you want to go Kosovo? - No, sir.

Where you'll put your hand into a bunch of goo

- that a moment ago was your best friend's face? - (gulps)

- You remind yourself it was because of procedure. - Ooh.

Hoo-ha, hoo-ha!

- (clears throat) - (stammers)

Go ahead. Let him through, let him through.

I said move, move!

Stand easy.

(grunts) It doesn't fit.

It doesn't matter, you won't have it on long anyway.

I don't know about this, what if I get caught?

You won't, just don't lead with your chin.

What about me?

Chicks love a guy in a uniform. Let's go.

- Arliss, Arliss, these don't fit. - It's okay.

Hey.

Gaining weight, huh, soldier?

Yes, sir!

Woman: But I haven't seen it yet.

We were all gonna watch E.R. Tonight.

Yes, well, um, it seems that that tape was mislabeled

and it's not E.R. at all,

but some boring footage of a honeymoon.

Oh, you know, sunsets, luaus, yawn.

But it's meaningful to the couple.

Oh, I see, of course.

And I'll be sure to get you the complete season of E.R.

- Oh, thank you. - Okay.

$5,000.

What?

I sold you that whole box for fifty.

Well, I would think the honeymooners

would find this video irreplaceable, wouldn't you?

$5,000?

Well...

if it was up to me,

I would give you the Generation-X discount.

But it's not.

5,000 bones, take it or leave it.

But that's blackmail.

Oh, keep talking, sweetie.

The price just went up.

Oh.

Oh! Oh! (gasps)

(chattering)

This is my first time on a reservation.

When I was a boy, my dad said to me,

"Son, one of these days none of this'll be yours."

Here they come.

He made good time.

I guess they get to use the carpool lane.

Arliss, is this gonna work?

- You're ready to roll? - Yes.

(speaking foreign language)

Let's go! Double time! Move out!

Colonel Sadowski, welcome.

The directions were good, right?

Michaels, why don't you just give us our man

and we'll be on our way.

Colonel, sir.

Enlisting was just a big mistake, sir.

Son! Why don't you step right out here?

Uh, colonel, um...

I know you want Mickey back,

but it seems he's made an arrangement with

the chief and this is sovereign land, so...

Let's just stop playing around here.

None of you want me to come in there.

(drum beat)

What is that?

The drums of war.

I am tired of fucking around with you people.

You are messing with the united states government.

Been there, done that.

Prepare to advance.

Move!

Are you sure you want this on the nightly news?

Alright.

If little big man wants to live here

for the rest of his life, that's fine.

But the minute he steps off that land, he's mine.

Yeah, but that might not be for a long, long time.

I don't think so, Arliss.

Sergeant.

Get him out here.

I... I just want to state for the record

that I had no prior knowledge of what I was doing.

Colonel, may I have a moment with you alone?

Negative.

Donny, please?

Your mom would have let me talk.

One minute.

Okay, everybody, take it easy.

Real bullets.

- Arliss, Arliss. - Stand easy.

The drums of war?

Sounded good.

Donny, um, you asked me why I didn't show up that day.

You were right, it wasn't a political statement.

Truth is...

I was scared.

That's the first honest thing you've said today.

I didn't want to kill anybody

and I didn't want to get killed.

Plain and simple.

You think I wasn't scared?

We all were.

But you didn't chicken out.

And I did.

I'm sorry, Donny, I should have apologized to you a long time ago.

I just...

I was ashamed.

Look, I can't change the past

and I won't ask you to forgive me.

All I'm asking is for you

not to punish the kid for what I did.

Besides, you don't want to be known

as the guy who let the champ go AWOL, do you?

A lot of jokes around the PX.

If you think they make fun of your short game now.

Boy, you really are an agent.

Look, I think I've got a way to make everybody happy.

I'm listening.

Stay with me on this one.

It's out there.

(rhythmic drum beat)

(men chanting)

(screaming)

(continues screaming)

Gets 'em every time.

(laughing)

Rita: Minus $5,000, leaves a total of...

Oh.

Negative $741.44.

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Rita, it's Denny Neagle.

I've just been traded to the Yankees.

Can you help me?

Traded.

Don't worry, I'll take care of everything.

Kirby, we're ready to close the Mickey O'Mara deal.

Five fights,

seven million.

Now.

I need to talk to Arliss.

Where's Arliss?

Gentlemen, just because this is the Reserves,

don't think you can take it lightly.

Remember...

one weekend a month, your ass is mine.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Sir, yes, sir!

Sadowski: I can't hear you, Michaels.

My name is Arliss Michaels!

I represent athletes!

These are my stories!

Sir, yes, sir!

Sadowski: Don't you look at me, boy!

Don't you eyeball me!

You keep your eye straight ahead

when I am talking to you!

Do you understand that?

♪ ♪