Original subtitles

(dramatic music plays)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

(shouting)

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Here you go, Mr. Kirby, eh?

Nice and shiny, new heels, new soles.

Should be good for another three years.

Oh! Kekee, how much I owe you?

Ah! How can I take money from a man

who's getting me tickets to the World Cup?

Oh, listen, Kekee, I hit a snag.

My ticket source kinda flaked out.

Bullshit, you said it was a done deal.

I promised my niece and nephew

they were gonna see Cuba play football!

What can I tell you? Shit happens.

"Shit happens"?

(yelling in Spanish)

I tried. I tried!

I know what that one means.

- Learning Spanish, Kirby? - (sighs)

I'm sorry, this ticket thing is out of my hands!

Here you go, Graham.

Six for the semi, six for the finals,

right on the mid-field strike.

Fantastic.

I got a lotta friends who want to see us

rip the bollocks out of Cuba.

Yes?

I thought Graham might like a cup of tea.

"English breakfast."

Well, I guess a cuppa char wouldn't hurt.

You... wouldn't happen to be

a football fan, now, would ya?

- No. - Huge.

Really? I never heard you say...

My boots! These are brand new!

I'm so sorry.

So, Graham, have you sampled any of LA's night life?

No, he's here playing in the World Cup!

- Why don't you sample some of today's mail? - (chuckles)

Fuck you!

♪ ♪

Hey, thanks. So, he's got me 0-1 in the hole,

and he throws me this change that I'm so far out in front of,

that I almost hit the goddamn pole with my follow-through!

Maddux's change is unhittable.

Then I remember what Dad said.

"You're gonna see that change up again."

Sure as hell! I wait on it,

and it bombed to the right.

Look at that. He becomes the youngest player

in the history of baseball to hit 200 home runs,

and instead of crowing to the media,

he calls his brother.

That's a class act.

You know, that buffet is for players only.

Yeah, well, deduct it from the 150 million

you're gonna pay Woody.

Arliss, we all know that Woody is the franchise,

and we're willing to go nine figures,

but 150 million?

Is a reasonable number for a guy who's gonna

build you a new ballpark.

Can you say, "referendum"?

So, how'd you do against Sefarian?

O-for-three.

Hey, man, you know the breaks even out. You'll find the holes.

Hey, tell Buzz I said, "Hey."

Arliss says, "Hey."

- Listen. - Man: Bus to Stockton leaving in 20 minutes.

I gotta go, or I'm looking at a cold shower.

Alright, well, I'll talk to you later.

(beeps)

How old's Buzz now, 26?

27. How's it going in double- "A"?

27.

He's struggling.

Man, I admire his desire.

Yeah, great work ethic.

Hey, I gotta go water the mint.

- So, the club's offering 100 million, - (urine splashing)

But I'm not budging till they say 1-5-0.

Arliss, I play ball, you do the numbers,

just make the deal.

Hey, 50 million here, 50 million there,

pretty soon, you're talking serious money.

Wanna shoot some stick on Wednesday night?

Mm, can't.

I'm giving out an award to Kevin Greene

at the "Athletes for Others" ceremony.

What the fuck?

Oh, no, no, no, that's a very great honor.

I was their first and only choice.

I bought myself a new tux.

Arliss, would you take a look at this?

I'm sure it's impressive.

The... the urinal.

Did you eat any beets today?

That's blood, Arliss.

That's blood.

This white area indicates minimal uptake of renal parenchyma.

Your kidneys are shutting down.

Now, it's not life threatening,

but we need to start you on dialysis right away.

Dialysis?

Can I keep playing?

No, I strongly advise against it.

Woody, you need a kidney transplant.

A kidney transplant?!

He's the picture of health! (whispers) Sorry.

You should sign up as a kidney recipient.

The wait can be months, sometimes years.

Years? Doc, do you know who this is?

The 44,000 people on a waiting list

for a kidney don't care who he is.

Oh, man, I can't believe this.

Now, sometimes people get direct donations,

usually from family members.

You don't have to wait, and the kidney's a better match.

- What about Buzz? - No, no, no, forget about it.

I'm not gonna ask my brother. That's too big a favor.

- How about if I ask? - No.

Look, this is my problem. I'll just wait my turn.

Doc, am I done playin' baseball?

It's hard to say.

♪ ♪

Shit!

Way back, way back, way back.

Look at that. Hours after the game, and the boy's still raking.

You know, they don't pay you for overtime.

What are you doing here?

Looking for hot, new prospects? (grunts)

Actually, I came to give you some news, personally.

It's about Woody.

- (bat cracks) - Um...

Your brother's sick.

Sick, sick, I just talked to him.

How sick?

Pretty sick.

I mean, it's not life threatening... yet,

but he's gonna need a kidney transplant.

Jesus.

Well, they can find a donor, right?

I mean, these kind of transplants happen a lot, right?

They'll come up with a match... eventually,

but it might cost him the entire season.

Oh, it's a shame. It's a shame.

They tell me the best match might be from a relative.

♪ ♪

Was this his idea or yours?

I'm guessing it was yours.

(bat cracks)

I'm sorry?

Senior year in high school.

I was all-state, pretty hot shit.

Scouts at every game,

big agents knocking down my door...

Boris, Mike Armstrong...

But the guy I wanted was Arliss Michaels.

So, imagine my surprise

when the Arliss Michaels shows up at my door

and signs my little brother.

Hey, look, if it's about representation...

And you're still coming around.

And you still don't want me.

Just a piece of me.

That's it, isn't it?

Look, Buzz, I know this'd be a setback...

A setback?

I'm struggling to make it to the show with two kidneys.

If I give one to Woody,

I might as well retire now.

You got some fucking balls.

What makes you think I'd give up the game I love?

Because you do love the game,

and because you know your brother

is a very special player.

He has a chance to break records.

He has a chance to be the greatest shortstop

that ever stepped out on that field.

And I'm just a journeyman, right?

That's not what I meant.

Yes, it is.

I may be a career minor leaguer... (grunts)

but it's my career...

and I'm not ready to give it up just yet.

Your brother needs a kidney.

Well, he's not gettin' mine.

Not now.

Keep looking.

(bat cracks)

- (crowd cheering) - Announcer: Ruiz in control.

Graham Hastings is on him.

Graham Hastings leading Team England.

Hastings in position.

(indistinct shouting)

- Announcer: Ruiz has it again. - Excuse me.

Piss off, you wanker!

Hey, you know who you're talking to?

That's Jessie Armstead. He plays real football.

This is real football, knobhead!

I can't believe we're gettin' burned in overtime.

The winning goal could happen any second.

When Graham scores the winning goal,

- we'll all hear about it. - Announcer: Ruiz shot on goal!

Hastings hits it into his own goal!

(ominous music plays)

Cuba wins! Cuba wins!

- Did you see that? - What?

Graham hit the ball into his own goal!

- Does that count? - Men: Boo!

Fucking right, you! Fucking goals but for Cuba!

- Announcer: He can't believe it! - Man: Boo!

Graham, you wanker!

- Announcer: England is eliminated! - Crowd: Boo!

- Fan: Get off! - Boo!

(people shouting)

Man, this crowd is pissed!

I wouldn't wanna be Graham tonight.

Damn, I'm driving him home!

I'm glad I brought my own truck.

(crowd shouting)

You lost Graham?

I talked to his coach, his teammates...

Nobody knows where he is.

(sighs) If you hear from him, call me. Bye.

(phone rings)

- Hello. - Graham on phone: Did anyone follow you?

Graham! I don't think so.

Why? Where are you?

Graham: I'm in the boot.

The boot?

In the fucking trunk, the back of your car.

Oh, Jesus. I'll pull over.

No, no, no, no! Don't stop!

Just keep driving. Don't stop for fuck all.

♪ ♪

Ah, thank you, Fay. Enjoy your lunch.

Ho, ho! And don't forget your free tote bag.

- Thanks. - (laughs)

How many people are you planning to perforate

in your hunt for the perfect kidney?

Shh, I'm trying to keep this quiet.

I don't want anybody finding out, okay?

Hey, wow, Arliss,

I thought most agents just got three percent.

Hey, Kevin Greene,

how's the Leonardo of linebackers?

Hey, grab a seat, baby.

So, are you looking forward to your big night tonight?

Arliss, man, I am so gigged about gettin' this award.

What should I say in my speech?

Oh, talk about all the good things you do...

Charity, working with kids...

giving blood.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here?

Oh, don't worry. It's the annual AMM blood drive.

Y'all do this every year?

Actually, it's the first annual annual.

I mean, everybody's giving.

Almost everyone.

- Ahh! - Nice try.

- Arliss, you haven't given yet! - (gasps)

I was about to, but, please, after you.

No, no, no, no, after you.

Me?

♪ ♪

(elevator dings)

I really think you're overreacting, Graham.

- It's just a game. - Oh, for fuck's sake, Kirby!

Soccer hooligans are mental! They'll knock your teeth out

and piss on your root nerves just for fun!

- Okay. - Is he okay?

Oh, he's afraid to go back to the hotel.

I've got to calm him down, or I'm gonna have a new roommate!

♪ ♪

(door closes)

So, no hooligans?

Thanks.

All quiet on the hotel front,

it's safe to go back.

Kirby, you have a call.

(sighs) Carlisle.

Man on phone: Graham pissed off me mates.

I don't like blokes

pissin' off me mates.

Who is this?

You better watch your fuckin' back

or we'll rip your bloody heart out, you wanker!

Hey, you can't talk to my client...

Sod off, pretty boy,

or we'll grind you into bangers and mash, too!

Me, what did I do?

You fool!

We're gonna get some satisfaction here!

Bubble and squeak!

Bubble and squeak? Look, I hate soccer!

Say your prayers! London Bridge is

falling down!

Holy shit, what is wrong with you people?

It's soccer!

Fuck me, they know we're here!

We gotta get out of here!

Someone could sleep on my couch.

Graham?

Oh, I appreciate that, love.

You can take what you need from Arliss' office.

He has clothes, toiletries, cologne.

Cheers.

Kirby: I'm coming too.

Oh, no!

I mean, of course, you're welcome to come,

but, are you sure that's a good idea?

To stay with him?

Yeah, I'm not the one who kicked the fucking ball

into his own net.

If I were you, I would stay as far away as possible.

Otherwise...

Arliss, I told you not to ask him.

He's your brother, Woody.

He deserves the chance to help you.

What'd he say?

He said no.

Good.

Good?

Arliss, for whatever reason, I was blessed,

with great talent.

For whatever reason, Buzz wasn't.

He's never said anything,

but it can't be easy watching your little brother

make it to the bigs before you.

I understand that, but, you know

that's the cards you're dealt.

I mean, that's not your fault.

No, it's not.

But, I'm not gonna ask Buzz

to give up his dream just so I can keep living mine.

Tom, Tom!

You know what? Let's get this deal done now.

We can live with 125 million.

And, you have my word,

Woody will be ready on opening day.

They might be opening him on opening day.

Get him a kidney, then we'll talk.

120!

Advertise?

(phone ringing)

Shit!

Arliss Michaels.

Hi, Arliss, Dr. Halsey here.

We've got a terrific match for Woody.

It's got all six antigens, tissue size,

everything's perfect.

That's great, that's good. Woody, Woody!

Woody, we found you a kidney!

Haha! Who's the lucky donor?

You!

He ain't getting my kidney.

Be a man, it's not like you're giving up

your arm or your leg or your testicle.

What if I give him a kidney and the one I got breaks?!

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Think of all the athletes who'll sign with an agent

who gave up an organ to save a client's life.

What good does that do me if I'm dead?

We've gotta find Woody another kidney.

We?

Yeah, get online, try Kidney.com,

Donor.com, Tumor.com!

- Oh, oh. No, no, no, wait. - No, China, I hear they harvest prisoner's organs.

- What?! - Look, just get me a fuckin' kidney!

In America,

we love to celebrate our athletes,

and, tonight, we celebrate an athlete for his work,

not only on the field, but, off the field...

Rita, Rita, tell me, you've had some luck, tell me you had luck!

I faxed that prison organ farm,

all out of kidneys,

but, I can get you a spleen,

a pancreas or a gall bladder.

Fuck! Listen, Rita, as soon as you find out something,

you call me.

I don't care where you are, when, call me.

You understand? Bye!

Arliss?

Arliss, you're on after the break.

What?

You're on after the break.

Pat, you look great.

Well, thank you.

Strong, healthy, fit.

Thanks.

Do you know what your blood type is?

Christ, you on the sauce?!

Two minutes.

Arliss?

Oh, Armstrong.

And, here I am thinking, this is a classy event.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, they needed the top agent in sports

to hand out the good guy award.

I know, unfortunately, I had to turn them down,

but, I'm glad to see they found a passable stand-in.

You turned them down?

(laughs) It's amazing what they're doing

with rentals these days.

I'll see you around, Arliss.

Cocksucker.

Hey, Arliss, hey,

what do you think about this line?

"And I'd especially like to thank

"my third grade teacher, Miss Feldman, who said,

"Kevin, you're not the sharpest crayon in the box,

"but, you're definitely the biggest,

so, focus on football."

Yeah, yeah, that's good. Good.

That's good. Start them off with a joke. Yeah.

I'm not, she really did say that.

Arliss, I just wanna sound so good.

There's supposed to be over a million sports fans

watching this tonight.

Over a million?

Yeah.

- A million? - Pat: And, now, to present the good guy award

To Kevin Greene, superagent, Arliss Michaels.

That's you, go. That's you. Arliss, you're up, go.

Yeah, yeah.

(applause)

Thank you, pat.

It's easy to forget that athletes,

are also made of flesh and blood,

and organs.

And, so, it is with a heavy heart

that I must report to you that,

our beloved all-star, Woody McGraw,

is, at this moment,

in desperate need of a kidney transplant.

- But don't worry, don't worry, don't worry. - (audience gasps)

His prognosis is good.

A very courageous individual

has stepped forward to offer to donate his kidney.

Is it the best possible kidney?

Maybe not, but, it's the only one we have.

And, so, if you cringe at the thought

of never seeing Woody bringing smiles

to the faces of your children,

it's probably too late to visit my offices

at 9200 Wilshire Boulevard, suite 1100,

to donate a kidney.

- What... Why?! - To help...

- Just one second, one more second. - No!

- This is my time! - Arliss, we're out of time.

- Kevin, I'll accept this award on your behalf. - What are you doing?

That's my award! I'm the good guy!

- Arliss: A man's life is at stake... - Hey!

Mrs. Feldman, I got the award! Yeah!

(indistinct shouts)

I need your help! Oh!

Okay.

Oh, god, whoo!

That shower was brilliant.

Mmm, you used the eucalyptus soap.

It's supposed to calm your nerves.

Ah, cheers, Rita. Thanks for hiding me.

You're not hiding, Graham, you're a guest.

And you can stay as long as you want.

(doorbell rings)

Oh. Oh, I hope you're hungry.

I ordered from "Curry in a Hurry."

Yes... Oh, you're not Hadji.

- Graham: Babe! - Can I help...

Chloe!

(Chloe squeals)

Uh, hello? Uh, hello?

Oh, uh, Rita, this is Chloe, my bird.

I rang her, is that alright?

Oh, I, uh...

Fine, I...

Arliss: The athletes I represent

- (loud moaning) - thrust themselves into their work.

They possess the stamina to ply their trade

long into the night.

Why are you doing this to me, why?

Rita: Next!

My kidney works great.

I drive from Stockton to L.A. without pissing once.

Isn't that your bladder?

Next!

How's it going?

I didn't get any sleep last night.

I've gotta get "Sir Winston Sluthill"

out of my apartment.

Not you, the kidney drive.

Look at these people.

I wouldn't borrow a hairbrush from them!

I've been drug-free for a year.

How much are you paying?

I'm sorry, sir, but it's against the law

to offer money for a kidney.

It is?

Shit!

Leave your card anyway.

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels.

Doctor: Arliss, you need to come to hospital right away.

There's a problem.

I'll be right over.

That better be your lunch in there.

(monitor beeping)

(announcement on P.A.)

His condition is really deteriorating.

This transplant should take place immediately.

How immediately?

I mean, do I have time to clean out my safe deposit box?

The sooner the better.

I really appreciate what you're doing, Arliss.

Yeah.

So, we're playin' against Stockton.

This guy starts me off with a change-up

that I am so far out in front of,

they gotta unscrew me out of the ground.

Then, I remembered what Dad said.

You're gonna see that change again.

So, I'd zone in on it.

And, I pop it up.

I started thinking to myself,

"If Woody got that pitch,

he'd have crushed it."

But, I couldn't.

Don't tell me what I think you're gonna tell me,

you can forget it.

Arliss is already gonna give me one of his.

Let him do it, let him do it.

I'm a better match.

Besides, you don't want the kidney of an agent.

There might not be any blood pumpin' through it.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

(no dialogue)

Just don't fuck it up.

Arliss: You know,

I've seen some acts of heroism in my time,

but, this one, this one,

I just... man, I just can't thank you enough

for saving my... his life.

If there is anything,

anything at all I can ever do for you, man,

you just say the word.

Well, actually, Arliss, uh,

I'm gonna have somebody else say it for me.

What do you mean?

I always enjoy family reunions,

don't you, Arliss?

Armstrong, what are you doing here?

Woody's my client.

Mm-hmm, I'm here for my client.

Your client? He's retiring.

Well, part of him is, part of him isn't.

So, shall we begin negotiations?

Negotiations, what negotiations?

We're thinking 40% of Woody's deal is fair.

40 million dollars,

for an organ the size of a London broil?

Where'd you get that figure, Balls 'R Us?!

Arliss,

I know where that runner up kidney is coming from.

I wonder how your ass is gonna look

in that hospital gown?

You vulture.

Where do you find suits with wing holes?

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...

So, did you hear Aunt Jessie got pregnant again?

Oh, man!

I hope it's better looking than the first kid!

Actually, I think he looks a lot like you.

Gentlemen, we've reached an agreement in principle.

Arliss.

Woody, here are the terms:

Buzz will receive 35% of your next deal

in return for his kidney,

and an organ to be named later.

You okay with that, Buzz?

Are you okay with that, Woody?

No, I'm not.

There's one more thing I want.

Announcer: Now batting for Los Angeles,

Buzz McGraw.

Look out, man, you made it.

You made it!

C'mon, Buzz!

Is that ambulance ready?

Ready and waiting.

They're settin' up pre-op as we speak.

Shh!

My client has one at bat and I wanna see it.

Strike!

Mmm, oh, Chloe!

You saucy little number!

Oh, Graham!

Graham, there's a weirdo, psycho hooligan

on the rampage out there!

Oh, no, blow it out my ass!

He's come to get me.

Oh, fuck me!

They found us, we gotta go!

Chloe: Well, can I just take a shower first, love?

There's not enough time! You have to go now!

- Go out the window! - C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, jump!

Up and out you go.

Bye Graham, good luck.

Graham: Cheers, sweetie.

Hey, hey, hey, that's mine.

Oh, bullocks!

Nope, Barney's!

Here you go, Kekee.

Enjoy the World Cup Finals.

Gracias, it was a pleasure doing business with you.

Hey, let's go, c'mon, c'mon, Buzz.

C'mon, c'mon.

Ahhh!

Oh, shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not the kidney! Not the kidney!

C'mon, kid, shake it off.

There goes that deal, What's plan b?

Plan b?

(monitor beeping)

Get up, get up, get up,

- get up, get up, get up. - My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪