Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

(screaming)

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashing)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Rita, happy birthday.

You wear these tonight,

and I guarantee, you're gonna be happy.

Rose, you give the best presents.

I love them... candy apple red.

You take those off, you better be ready to play.

(purring)

You can't take them off until you put them on.

I'll be right back.

Whoo, yeah!

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Arliss Michaels.

He's not in right now, may I take a message?

Rita, are you sloshed already?

Oh, it's you.

It's my birthday, I'm allowed a drink.

Where are you? We're waiting for you to cut the cake.

Look, the game's in double overtime.

I don't think I'm gonna make it back before it's over.

Oh, that's really disappointing!

I know, but I promised Nikki I'd meet her after the game.

Do me a favor, though, save me some cake, I'm starving.

Oh, well, we'll miss you.

Bye.

Ooh, I'm glad I don't have to go to that.

He's not coming.

Party!

Okay.

- Ow! - Excuse me.

Sorry, there you go, have a ball, baby!

Whoo hoo!

Announcer: Time out, five seconds to play,

the Stampede's trail by...

Arliss: See, now this is basketball.

If the Rams passed the ball like this when you played for them,

Eric Dickerson would be wearing a Super Bowl ring.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

It's just when you said we're gonna watch the girls

shake it on the hardwood,

I thought you meant the Laker Girls.

Laker Girls are on the court, what, eight minutes a game.

These girls go wire to wire.

Yeah, well, this guy's gonna catch a cab.

Eric, I'll make it up to you.

I got tickets for the Clippers tomorrow.

Give Nikki the ball!

Give Nikki the ball!

Give Nikki the ball!

Whoo, c'mon, Nikki!

Man, I hope Nikki takes a shot.

Don't worry, Nikki'll get the ball.

How do you know?

There are two things that I am sure of.

In professional sports, when the game's on the line,

the coach gives the ball to the superstar.

And two, they put too much salt in those French fries.

Watch, watch, the ball comes in.

Nikki goes around the pit,

they quickly pass it to Nikk...

(buzzer)

Good thing you don't do this for a living.

Announcer: The Stampede thanks you for attending tonight's game

and reminds you that our next home game

will be July 23rd against Colorado.

Thank you.

Tough game to lose.

Why the hell didn't you get the rock?

Ask her.

(scoffs)

Nikki, Nikki.

Your client doesn't look too happy.

No, she takes losing hard.

And harder when she doesn't get the ball,

which is what you pay her for, isn't it?

Arliss (narrating): The life of a sports agent is a demanding one.

At the end of the day while other people are winding down,

I'm just starting up.

(engine choking)

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck!

(phone beeping)

- (phone ringing) - ♪ A little bit of Monica in my life ♪

♪ A little of bit Erica by my side ♪

♪ A little bit of Rita's all I need ♪

♪ A little bit of Tina's what I see ♪

♪ A little bit of Sandra in the sun ♪

♪ A little bit of Mary all night long ♪

♪ A little bit of Jessica here I am ♪

♪ A little bit of you makes me your man ♪

Kirby: Oh, god.

She wants me bad.

Oh, she does not.

She wants me so bad it hurts, ow.

Kirby, face it, you're washed up.

You're too old to fuck.

Excuse me?

I'm too old to...

Fuck!

Kiss my ass with a straw.

Want a jump?

- What? - Dead battery?

I don't know, dead car.

Pop the hood, I'll take a look.

Right.

Brakes, tires... snow chains?

Hey, aren't you the new coach...

Phyllis, Florence...

Francesca Pirelli.

And you are the legendary Arliss Michaels.

Legendary?

You are an avid kayaker,

you climbed the Matterhorn,

you volunteer 10 hours a month at a homeless shelter,

and you are a gourmet cook,

Italian, your specialty.

Must be a different Arliss Michaels.

There's a long piece on sports agents

in one of those airline magazines.

I read all about you.

Journalists, you tell them what they wanna hear.

You know, car batteries have been known to explode.

You sure you know how to use those?

So, you remember everything you read?

I'm very visual, I remembered your picture.

Really?

And I have a kayak,

I've always wanted to climb in the Alps,

and I cook Italian, easy.

Are you positive you've got the positive on the positive?

- Ow! - (electricity sizzling)

Geez! Ow!

Just kidding.

Start your car.

It'll charge up while you drive. Ciao.

Hey, listen...

can I buy you a drink?

I mean, for popping my hood.

No pun intended.

Thanks, but I gotta get something to eat.

I can't eat before games.

And I'm sure you're not hungry at this hour.

(singing in Italian)

That guy's good.

Yeah, he's also our waiter.

If you want dessert, you better hope he doesn't do an encore.

Tell me, how do you like coaching in the WNBA?

I love it, apart from the prima donnas

who want the ball all the time.

Prima donnas sell tickets.

They don't win ball games.

And winning's what it's all about, right?

Well, yes and no.

Professional sports is entertainment

and fans pay to watch stars.

Winning should be entertainment enough.

Let me tell you how I deal with prima donnas.

And believe me, I deal with them a lot.

Make them think that they're doing it their way

and then do it your way.

I've been doing it my way for 17 years.

I've coached winners from high school

all the way up to Division Two.

My ball control offense works.

Well, let's hope it works in the pros.

It better, I only get one shot.

What do you mean?

Do you know, that not one female coach who's been fired

has been rehired by another WNBA team?

There's no "good old gal network".

Male coaches get recycled, female coaches get replaced.

All the more reason to placate your superstars.

We're doing fine.

The team's way ahead of where we were last year.

Is this your salad or mine?

No, go ahead, feel free.

Buena sera, buena sera, you enjoy, huh?

Delicious, the pasta e fagioli is...

Multo terrifico.

Bene, bene, you enjoy, huh?

Eh, bella, hmm?

You know, it's good, but it's a little thick.

If I've learned one thing in life,

it's tell people what they want to hear.

Not to brag, but I make a kick-ass pasta e fagioli.

Why am I not surprised

that Francesca Pirelli makes a kick-ass pasta e fagioli?

So, what part of Italy are you from?

The southern tip, of Texas,

which means I can also fry up a nasty pasta armadillo.

Pasta armadillo, is that so?

♪ Volare ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Cantare ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Let's fly... ♪

♪ Nel blu, dipinto di blu ♪

♪ Felice, de stare lassu ♪

♪ E volavo, volavo felice piu alto del sole ♪

Hey Paesan, I had no idea!

♪ Mentre il mondo pian piano ♪

♪ Spariva lontano laggiu ♪

♪ Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me ♪

♪ Volare ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Cantare ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Nel blu, dipinto di blu ♪

♪ Felice, de stare lassu ♪

♪ Nel blu, dipinto di blu ♪

♪ Felice, de stare lassu ♪

Bravo!

(applause)

(yawns)

(snoring)

(Whispering) Kirby?

Oh, my god.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Fuck!

Oh, please, God, no. Please, God, no.

Jeez. Please, God.

C'mon in, Jose.

Thank you.

Can't believe I left my plane tickets here.

Thanks for coming early.

No problem.

For Jose Lima, I'm like the Marines.

For first one in, last one out...

You might need the marines.

There's been a war in here.

Man, Kirby, Kirby!

Shurja: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, you even have refugees.

Arliss: "Arliss, very sick.

Food poisoning. I'll be late - Rita."

I don't believe this.

You need a grounds crew to drag this office.

(snoring)

Maybe he's hungry.

He didn't finish his cake.

Look at that.

Here you go, here you go.

Have some cake, there you go.

Good boy, good boy.

(chuckling)

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me...

How was the party?

Oh.

It was good.

It was good, I got laid.

He got laid.

I'm so glad for you.

Yeah, I got...

I can't remember who it was.

- But I got laid. (snickering) - (chuckling)

That's all that counts.

Look, you wanna go back to sleep for a while?

Yeah.

Let's go another way.

I want you up, washed, dressed,

and hygienically in order in two minutes!

I want this office cleaned up in 10!

You understand me?! Do you understand me?!

Do you understand?!

Red, my favorite color.

Next time you have a party, please call me.

If these used to be on a client,

I better not hear about it.

Hello.

♪ Cantare ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Who could this possibly be?

Oh, I just wanted to jump-start my day

by hearing that beautiful,

mellifluous, Italian east Texan voice.

Well, shit, howdy, buon giorno!

Hot damn, bet you your ass.

So, I got some beans soaking.

Care to stop by later for some pasta Francesca?

Ooh, that's me you hear knocking.

(knocking)

Arliss, I cannot play for this new coach.

Sorry.

Look, I gotta go.

My number one client just walked in.

Really, who's that?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Oh, someone who wants to hear just what you're telling them.

That's right.

So, I'll see you at 7:00? 2410 Northwood.

Ciao.

Nikki, good to see you.

The new coach, you were saying?

Maybe for college she was fine.

But this is the pros.

She's out of her league in this league.

Well, she's only been here, what, four months?

Arliss, her coaching sucks.

We're the boringest team in the league.

It's like we play offense in slow motion.

I can't stand it!

Well, the team's ahead of where it was last year.

You know that?

You're my client.

It's my job to know that.

So, we're in the middle of the pack.

We should be leading the conference!

Everyone agrees she's not playing to our strengths.

I'm going to management.

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second!

Don't go to management, let me talk to Leo.

I mean, that's why you hired me.

That's what I'm here for.

Fine, that's what I'm here for.

Hey.

Oh.

Is that your rubberband?

Say, did you like your birthday present

from old, old, old Kirby?

I'm not sure how much you can recall, but...

I don't wanna hear one word from you!

You promised me that you would have this office cleaned after my party.

You told me you would take care of it! And then you didn't!

And now, Arliss is furious with me.

Don't change the subject.

What subject? What subject am I changing?

Go on say it, say it!

It's just a matter of time.

Nobody can resist the Kirb.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, I think you do.

Oh, I know this.

You were plastered on my birthday.

Arliss told me that he found you passed out on Stanley's couch

and I left shortly after midnight.

I have witnesses.

Oh, really?

Are you missing these, perchance?

Oh!

Yes, well, maybe you'd like me to sign them for you,

baby?

Oh, oh!

Rita, Rita!

It's always a bad idea, right?

To mix your personal life with your business life?

Oh, God!

(Italian opera playing)

Italian cooking is about Italian eating.

It's, it's, it's lusty, it's...

Sophia Loren.

This sexy, Italian mama, with these big boobs

and she's cooking for everyone

with gobs and gobs of garlic.

It is about eating.

And not being afraid to eat.

Umm...

So, let me ask you a question.

What is your favorite city in Italy?

Roma, Milano?

Vicenza?

I haven't been to any of them.

But mark my words, I will.

You know, it's curious.

What?

You're a very adventurous person.

I mean, you wanna hike the Alps,

you're not afraid of car batteries.

In fact, you're one of the most fearless women I've ever met.

And yet...

And yet?

When it comes to coaching your style of play is somewhat...

somewhat...

Yes?

Conservative?

I'll take that as a compliment.

Oh, absolutely.

Care to taste?

Mmm, that's good.

Now, while our soup simmers,

and before we add the sautéed mushrooms to our bracciole,

I am going to show you my range.

Driving range, mountain range, oven range?

C'mon.

Care to let one fly?

Oh, me? No, no.

Believe it or not I'll maim something.

Come here.

Now, you have to put your arms around me.

That I can do.

We put this here like this.

This is called, "knocking the arrow up".

I like that.

Take the string with these three fingers.

Keep your weight evenly balanced,

you pull back just to get a sense of the tension.

I'm feeling it.

It's only a 40-pound bow,

so, it's pretty light,

and...

- Wow! - (target thuds)

That wasn't hard, was it?

No, "that" wasn't hard.

Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me?

"Wanna jump?"

Arliss (narrating): When establishing new business relationships,

I keep my mouth shut and my eyes open.

I believe in a hands-on approach.

(phone ringing)

Excuse me. Arliss Michaels.

Hey, Arliss, hope I didn't catch you in middle of something.

No, no, no.

You were gonna talk to Leo about the coach?

- What? - Something's gotta be done about this.

Yeah, I'm working on the situation as we speak.

Thanks, Arliss, that's what I wanna hear.

You're welcome.

What a wonderful birthday party, Rita.

Sure looked like you were enjoying yourself.

Yep.

Your cleaning lady's a riot.

She said every 10 years, a mattress doubles in weight

from dead dust mites and their shit.

I missed that.

Well, I'm sure you didn't miss hearing about her and Kirby.

Which part?

The part where they did it on the Xerox machine.

Which part of that part?

The part where he was photocopying his butt.

And she ended up on top of him.

Man, she is wild.

What country is she from?

Kirby fucked the cleaning lady?

Yeah. Then he passed out.

Meanwhile, Miss Rita slips off her brand new birthday underwear

and sings a torch song into it.

Yeah.

I have never regretted signing with this agency.

Oh, thank you, God.

Oh, God, thank you. Oh, God, thank you.

Oh, God.

(knocking)

It's me, hi, do you have a minute?

Come back for seconds?

I'm wondering if you're free Saturday for brunch.

My parents are coming to town,

and I want you to meet them.

We've taken a big step, Kirby.

Now that we've made this commitment,

I want to encourage you to share with me

everything you're feeling.

If I've learned anything from past relationships,

it's the value of honesty,

candor.

Don't you agree?

I...

How do you feel about couples counseling?

Couples.

Take as much time as you want to think about it.

I don't want to rush you.

Bye.

Take this to the league.

Leo.

Nikki asked me to talk to you.

Arliss,

if this is about a contract extension,

I can only give you two more years.

- Only two? - Francesca: Nikki, you're not supposed to shoot!

- Frankly, we were hoping for more. - (whistle blowing)

- Do you have a problem with that? - Yes, I do, yes, I do!

I have a big problem with that.

Nikki, if your chief goal in this team is your individual stats,

then I suggest you take up singles tennis.

And, I suggest you coach 7th grade,

that's about your speed.

Just take a seat on the bench.

- No! - Fine, get out.

- I'm not going anywhere. - Leo, I don't have to put up with this.

Ladies, ladies, if I may be permitted to speak.

- What are you doing here? - Let him talk.

C'mon, teamwork, teamwork.

I don't see any reason we can't work this out.

You have no business being here.

Get out of my practice!

Look, I'm always happy to mediate.

Now, out!

(Whispering) I'll call you later.

Okay, everyone, let's get back to work.

Big game tomorrow night.

Nice shot.

Oh, oh, oh, agents aren't in season now.

Give me a hug, please?

Oh, that feels good.

(sighs) My day sucked, how was yours?

I got yelled at.

I'm sure you deserved it.

Well, I snuck in somewhere I shouldn't have been

to catch a glimpse of someone beautiful.

Really?

Francesca, what do you say we go grab a bite?

- Okay. - (phone ringing)

- Don't answer that. - Why?

Just don't answer that, it's bad news.

How bad?

Hello.

Leo, hi.

Can I come in and talk to you about this?

I see.

Right.

Fuck!

Look, I've already put out feelers

for another job in the WNBA.

That's not gonna happen and you know it.

Your fucking client got me fired.

She's not my client. I dropped her.

You dropped her?

An hour ago.

When she demanded that Leo...

Fire me, fuck!

I'm sorry, Francesca, I tried.

They just don't think you're the right coach for the job.

Arliss, tell me something.

And I want the truth.

I don't want you telling me what you think I want to hear.

Promise?

Promise.

Do you think I was the right coach for the job?

Oh, what difference does it make what I think?

Tell me, the truth.

No, I don't.

Not for this job with this talent.

For many other jobs, absolutely.

Leave.

Hold on, you already kicked me out once today.

I'm not kidding, Arliss, go.

You asked me to tell you the truth.

Get the fuck out of here!

Maybe I should give you some space right now.

Arliss (narrating): People always appreciate honesty.

Truth is inherently good.

Francesca (voicemail): I can't come to the phone right now.

- Please leave a message. - (beep)

Look, Francesca, I know we can work this out.

Arliss (narrating): My mediation skills have proved invaluable

in situations where conflict

has broken down communications.

Kirby, I think it's time we check in with each other.

Oh, I can't talk now.

Just a minute, I really need you.

Here he is, Shurja.

Hi, Kirby.

(grunts)

Mr. Macho cowboy boots.

Apparently on the occasion of my birthday,

it was Shurja who you...

Oh, I don't think so!

Proof!

Such a night, Kirby.

So much fun, ja.

So much fun.

- First, I fuck you. - Yeah.

And then I fuck you.

What?

This a horny building, downstairs on the 5th floor...

Wait a minute, Shurja,

did you just say that you fucked Rita?

Yeah. She's a noisy one.

Rita, maybe you two should consider couples counseling.

Oh!

This didn't happen.

- Deal, never happened. - Never ever, ever, ever.

Nope, nope, nope.

(Italian opera music playing)

Arliss (narrating): The landscape of our dreams

can shift as circumstances change.

What may at first be perceived as a missed opportunity

is sometimes the very thing that leads us

to a dream finally realized.

Bene, bene!

Arliss (narrating): There are two things in life I know to be true.

The first is, don't look back.

Time spent lamenting the past is time ill spent.

The second is...

Oh!

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.