Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

The dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: Athletes on a team develop a special kinship.

Side by side, shoulder to shoulder,

There is nothing like the bond between teammates.

Driven towards a common goal,

players protect each other,

Search for each other, lifting each other

toward the rarefied air of victory.

(cheering)

What's up, baby?

Hey, Wichita, let me borrow your hook.

Sure, man, here.

(dial tone)

What'd you do that for?

It was broken, but don't sweat it.

This is for keeping me from gettin' sacked all year.

Digital, internet ready, and you can play games on it.

I got the same one.

(laughs)

Ha-ha! You and me, Wichita, goin' to the Pro Bowl!

- Ha-ha! - Yes, sir, yes, sir!

Yeah, without you, baby, I'm just another...

red hot quarterback,

who, in one week, will be

- Unrestricted free agent. - An unrestricted free agent.

Listen, we love Derek, and we wanna re-sign him.

That's why we're offering a thousand percent salary increase.

Did he say a thousand percent?

A thousand percent.

- That's not enough. - Not enough.

Not nearly enough.

He played for the league minimum this year.

And with the season he's having,

- He is a $30 million deal - $40 million deal

On the open market.

Yeah, well, he's not on the open market.

Is he?

You haven't been talking to any other teams, have you?

Absolutely not.

'Cause that would be tampering, Arliss,

and I'd have no problem reporting those teams to the Commissioner.

Don't insult me. I know the rules.

We would never negotiate with another team

while he's under contract to you.

Coach Phillips, let me ask you a question.

If a Pro Bowl quarterback became available,

What do you think about that?

That's tampering, we can't talk about that.

Talk about who?

Jerry, I respect you as much as anybody in the league.

What do you think, five years, 25 million?

El Paso, old town in Texas. El Paso on this stuff.

- Wanna change the subject? - I got you, change the subject.

Seven years, 35 million.

Jeff Lurie, I mean, you're the owner

of the Philadelphia Eagles, a fine young team,

but what about if I can get you an All-Pro quarterback?

- That might become available? - That is tampering.

Now, we're not mentioning any names, and we won't talk about any names...

because if I did talk to other teams,

then I would be guilty of tampering,

And that is something I wouldn't do.

Well, bear in mind that Derek wants to keep playing here.

Wait a minute!

You discussed this with my client?

Yeah. Just briefly.

When it comes to negotiating,

as far as you're concerned,

my client is deaf, dumb, and mute.

You don't talk to him. You talk to me!

- You like that? - I like that, baby.

I figured you would, I figured you would.

Hey, hey! How are my two favorite clients?

Hey, Arliss!

(laughs)

Stan, the man.

Hey, hey, hey, great game, great game.

Otis, my man, another game, no sacks!

Thank you, Arliss.

Check out this phone Derek gave me.

Hey, Arliss, take a look at the latest member

of Derek's "all orgasm team."

Ooh, look at her.

Nice composition. What is that?

That's a Twinkie.

A Twinkie.

- Explains the cream filling. - Hm...

Otis, come here, check this out.

Uh-uh, man, I don't wanna see you with no ho's.

Mmm, this Twinkie's makin' me hungry.

Let's grab some food.

Oh... on us, Otis, you in?

Uh-uh. But you... can buy me lunch tomorrow.

Sure.

Based on comparable deals, we're looking at around...

30 million for five years.

With a sizable signing bonus, of course.

(giggling)

Payable over the second half of the century,

in Confederate money.

Or gold bullion.

What about pieces of eight?

Ahhh... thanks for dinner, gents.

Hate to eat and run, but...

neither one of you's gonna blow me tonight, right?

(laughs)

That man would follow his penis off a cliff.

Come here, girl.

Is that the...?

Miss Twinkie.

Miss Twinkie, yeah.

Arliss: Even though my plate is full,

I'll always reach out for more.

Every athlete needs attention,

including former athletes.

I'm considered the quarterback at AMM,

Isn't that right, Mr. Marshall Faulk?

That's right.

He makes up the game plan,

He executes the plays.

Kirby: I'm constantly reminding my clients

that a career in professional sports may be brief,

but a life lasts a lifetime,

Isn't that right, Marshall?

That's right.

He makes up the game plan,

he executes the plays.

Does the fact that you were a former pro

give you a certain respect from your clients?

Oh, sure, until they hear that my career lasted

exactly one quarter,

and I'm considered the worst per-minute-deal

in pro football. (chuckles)

You make a lot of jokes about your career,

but you were a number one draft choice.

Tell me about your greatest game.

Um, the Rose Bowl, against Michigan.

No, I...

I don't like to dwell on the past.

I'd rather focus on the future.

Otis, it's just lunch, a sport coat will be fine.

And, a good day to you, Miss Wu.

Qualcomm just announced another four-for-one split.

It's a great day to be Stanley Babson.

Kirby: Let me tell you about my game against Iowa State.

But it was the Rose Bowl

that brought you national exposure.

What! In the hell is going on?

Ohhh! Stanley Babson, my junior associate.

If you'll excuse us for just one moment.

What is that film crew doing in my office?

That's Jennifer Matlin, she's doing a piece on me,

"Where Are They Now? Kirby Carlisle."

I'll tell you where you are now,

you're in my office!

I know, but there's not room

for a film crew in my office.

There's not room for a pencil in your office!

Your office is a dumpster with a door!

Where am I supposed to work?

Please, please.

Ohhh!

Dale, you've had all year to put together a viable offer.

Season ends Sunday!

I'm thinkin', why not see

What the other teams are offerin' Monday?

Arliss, I can't give you money I don't have.

Well, then, get some!

Build some sky boxes,

raise ticket price, sell smaller hot dogs, I don't care!

Even if I had the money, I still got salary cap restrictions.

Look, look! Look at this!

What is that?

You're not familiar with the salary cap?

No... yes, of course, look, Dale, hold on a second.

What are you showing me?

Oh, I'm guessing it's a Big Mac,

circa 1996.

It was buried beneath Kirby's desk,

where I am forced to work,

because he has laid siege to my office!

Do you mind? I'm workin' here!

Dale, you're getting roasted on talk radio

for not signing Derek.

Rita: Arliss, you have to do something!

What can't wait?

Kirby just referred to me, on camera,

as his gal Rita!

My friends are gonna watch this!

No, they're not. No one's gonna be watching, it's Kirby Carlisle!

Dale: Those people don't understand,

I still owe big bucks to my defensive backfield!

Dale, do I represent any of your defensive backs?

No.

Then cut 'em!

Look... believe it or not,

once a upon a time, Kirby Carlisle was an icon.

I mean, he played one of the greatest games

in college football history.

So, come on...

let's give him the rest of his 15 minutes,

even if it is 20 years late.

Kirby: So, let me show you some of my, uh, memorabilia...

Get the fuck outta here!

Or later, I can do that, too, that...

Uh-huh, at least you still have an office

to kick him out of!

Oh, don't forget, Otis is picking us up for lunch at one.

Us?

Mm, he invited me along.

He's gonna bring his special lady.

Oh, dear god, not his mom.

I once saw her eat a Sizzler outta meat!

No, it's not his mother.

C'est un amie, ooh la la.

He's in love!

He's asked my advice about everything.

Well, don't give it.

If there's anything I've learned after 20 years

of getting involved with clients' personal lives,

it's don't get involved with clients' personal lives!

Fix your tie.

Otis has picked a very special place.

What kinda special place?

Rita: So, Otis, you think your special friend

is going to like eating at... Boobies?

You know, this is where we met.

She's in here somewhere.

Really! Which one is she?

Don't you mean which pair?

May I take your order?

- Hey! - (giggles)

Arliss, Rita, I'd like you to meet Tawana.

Hi! Otis has told me all about you guys.

It's nice to meet you, Tawinkie...

Uh... T... Tawana!

Isn't she pretty?

Rita, I love that pin you're wearing.

Is that a Paloma Picasso?

Oh... no, it's a knock-off.

I couldn't afford the real thing

on what I take home.

You know, there's this really great store

called Noodle Stories...

On Third Street, I'm in there all the time.

Why don't I start you guys off with an order of wings,

and a pitcher of tea,

and I'll be right back.

She's adorable, I approve.

I'm gonna ask her to marry me, Arliss,

what do you think?

You know, I just remembered.

I've got an insurance physical.

I'm not allowed to eat.

That's tomorrow.

Yes, but, um, I'm not sure the wings will pass on time,

and you know how much I love Boobies wings.

I better go now.

And, uh, remember what I talked to you about, getting too involved?

She does way too much charity work.

Here, at AMM, there are three levels

of authority.

There's God, there's Arliss,

and then, there's me.

I serve as a mentor to young players,

like Laker spark plug, Derek Fisher.

Here's your coffee, Derek,

with an "assist," by Kirby Carlisle.

Thanks. I need some sugar.

Right. And, in so doing,

I become their "go to" guy,

isn't that right, Derek?

That's right.

Which way's the bathroom?

It's that way.

Thanks. Yeah.

Part of "Where Are They Now?" is how they got there.

We still haven't covered your biggest story.

The Rose Bowl game, against Michigan?

Umm...

Oh! And, uh, you've already met,

uh, my junior associate, uh, Stanley Babson.

Fuck you.

Cut!

(snickers)

(slams door)

Uh, let me get this straight.

Otis wants to marry her...

Yeah, and Derek wants to fuck her.

Well, are you gonna tell Otis?

Hell no, I'm not gonna tell Otis!

That's a lose-lose situation.

Right now, I have two happy-happy clients.

I'd like to keep it that way.

What if Otis finds out? This could crush him!

As a fellow human being,

I think you might wanna let him know.

I'm not paid to be a human being,

I'm paid to be an agent!

I'm not getting involved.

Otis, you were right, she's a lovely girl.

And she obviously adores you.

Yeah, but Rita, how do I propose?

What do I say?

Well, when it comes to the language of love,

I am an expert.

I would be happy to help you.

Help who with what?

Uh, yes, I'm very happy with my long distance carrier.

Yes?

Repeat after me,

"I am not getting involved, I am not getting involved..."

Arliss, that is insulting.

Say it! "I am not getting involved."

I am not... Derek!

Arliss can see you right now.

Maybe I'm here to see you.

(laughs) Maybe not.

Derek, my man, come on in.

(speed dial)

Otis: Hello?

Otis, Rita. I have an idea.

Give me her address.

(phone ringing)

Yaaah...

hello, hello?

Uhhh...

(phone ringing)

Yeah, hello, hello, hello!

Ohh!

What the hell...?

Hello?

(dial tone)

What do you expect?

Comes free with a subscription.

May I help you?

Or would you prefer if I moved to a broom closet?

I've been trying to get Kirby

to talk about the Rose Bowl game.

Every time I bring it up, he changes the subject.

I was wondering if maybe you could shed some light on it.

More light on Kirby Carlisle?

Hah! What's your next topic? An inside look at jock itch?

Actually, my next piece is about the financial wizards

behind successful sports agents.

You'd be a natural for the piece.

On camera, of course.

You want me to find out

what my colleague clearly doesn't wanna tell you,

and rat him out on national TV?

I'm sorry i bothered you.

Hold on!

Who says you're bothering me?

The fans, the media,

even the owner wants Dale to re-sign you.

Trust me, he'll come up with bigger bucks.

I ain't worried. Hey, did ya hear?

Wichita's thinkin' about getting married?

Yeah, yeah, I... I met her the other day at, um, Boobies.

Oh, no, don't tell me he wants to marry

a Boobies girl!

All those chicks do is fuck ball players

until one asks 'em to marry 'em.

Yeah, tell me about it.

In fact, remember the one I was with the other night?

The one in the picture.

She's a Boobies girl.

Really?

What's this chick's name?

Umm...

Tammy... uh, Tracy...

Terry... Tonya, Tabitha...

Not Tawana.

Bingo!

Oh, fuck, that's her!

Oh, no! I never made the connection!

He's asking Tawana to marry him?

Man, what should I do?

Oh, no, no, no, no, that's between you two.

This is important. Wichita's my left tackle.

I mean, he keeps me from getting blindsided!

He takes care of what I can't see!

My life is in his hands!

Not to mention your contract.

Yeah. I gotta do the right thing.

Do it, Derek, baby!

Do me, oh, oh...

(pebbles knocking)

What the hell?

Tawana, it's Otis!

My heart is a predator

that steals through the night.

My heart is a predator

that steals through the night.

Aching, hungering,

for your sweet glow.

Aching, hungering,

for your Sweet'n Low.

Oooh...

She liked that.

(phone ringing)

Yo, Arliss, what's up?

Yo, yo, yo,

you'll never guess who's holding on the other line.

Dale Edison, and he's a-beggin' us to take his money.

Yeah, baby!

Derek, you busy?

No, I'm cool.

Great, I'll be right back.

So, Dale, how preemptive is this preemptive offer?

32 million, for five years,

all the incentives you asked for.

But I need an answer, now.

Hold on, one second.

Derek, it's everything we asked for, and more.

Derek, get off the phone!

Derek, is that Tawana?

Arliss, I usually don't go back for seconds,

but this pie tasted so good,

I had to have another slice.

Is that a good idea?

You're not gonna believe this.

Otis is outside recitin' poetry.

Poetry?

Derek, hold on a second.

Dale, can I get right back to you? Thanks!

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Otis is reciting poetry to Tawana.

Really?

My dearest, Tawana, my love I profess.

Umm, I don't know what you're talking about.

Bullshit! I heard that.

Tell me you wanna, my darling, say yes!

Say you'll...

Rita, get the hell out of here right now!

You'll what?

Wait one second,

how do you know he's reciting poetry?

You'll what?

Are you with her?

Hell, between Derek and Otis,

I couldn't fit any time in with this broad!

You'll what?

(whispering) Fuck me...

Fuck me!

No, marry me!

No, no, no, marry me!

He just asked me to marry him!

Arliss, Otis just asked Tawana to marry him.

Yeah, I kn... I'm ahead of you on that one, hold on a second.

What are you gonna say?

Are you gonna marry me?

Hell, no, but I'll keep fucking you! (grunts)

Ooh! Ahh!

Uh, Dale, Derek's right in the middle of something,

but, uh, he should be coming any moment.

Don't dick with me, Arliss, I need an answer now.

Yes or no?

Uh, hold on, one second.

Derek, you there?

Look, we've brought him to his knees,

is the deal okay?

Yes! Yes!

Yes?

Yes!

Yes?

Yee-ess!

Yes!

Good for me.

Man's voice on TV: Possible side effects of phlatadryll

include dizziness, headaches, oily anal discharge,

irregular bowel movements that may be violent

and uncontrollable at times,

narcolepsy, lupus, bleeding of the gums,

Legionnaire's disease, scurvy, distemper...

(doorbell)

mild elephantitis of the cranium,

hypoglycemia...

Stanley!

I was just in the neighborhood,

and thought you might be low on beer.

Oh... thanks, yeah, I was almost out.

And, I brought you a pizza, your favorite.

Goat cheese, pineapple, anchovy, and bison.

Great!

You know, I've been thinking.

I've probably been overreacting

to this whole interview thing.

I... I think this is gonna be great for you.

I bet you're learning things about me you never knew.

Ah-huh! That's for sure.

Hey... is this your scrapbook?

Yep. Between those covers

is the history of Kirby Carlisle.

Hey, uh... hey, who's this guy?

Ahmet Allek Asheed?

Oh, that's, uh, me, when I was a Muslim.

Stan: Ahhh! Look at little Kirby, huh?

Who's this, uh, who's this other kid?

Uh, it's my brother, Cody.

Oh. I didn't know you had an older brother.

You kiddin'? He was a stud!

Everything I am today is because of him.

He taught me how to ride a bike,

how to throw a ball, how to jerk off.

He was my biggest supporter.

We used to practice all day and all night.

Came to every game I ever played.

Ahhh! Speaking of which, what a game.

26 of 30, five touchdowns.

Heh... your brother must have been very proud of you that day.

He wasn't there.

Wh... he... what do you mean he wasn't there,

where was he? Ah! If I know the Carlisle lineage,

he was probably with some hottie.

No, he was dying.

He had an aneurysm the night before...

and I was gonna skip the game and stay with him,

but... he said he was fine.

And so I played.

Had the best game of my life.

And by the time it was over... he was dead.

I'm sorry.

Y... You always hear people say,

He would have wanted you to play.

Maybe he did, but I didn't.

No... he was always there for me.

And I should have been there for him.

I've never told anybody how much that hurt.

Not even Arliss.

Thanks, heh.

I appreciate that.

Whoa, look at the time. I gotta go.

So, we've crossed the t's, dotted the i's,

you'll sign the contract after the game,

right on the sideline.

I got the press coming, and...

Hey, hey, hey, how's the new fiance?

I'm good, Arliss.

She must be a special girl, Wichita.

When can I meet her?

Why don't you get taped?

Uh, I'll see you guys after the game.

Good luck!

All right.

Hey, you got some, uh, eye black?

Hey, help yourself, man.

Derek: Hey, anybody seen Monty? I gotta get taped up.

Damn!

Tawana?

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Tawana: Hey, Daddy!

You just stay behind Otis today.

I don't want nobody touching that fine, tight,

quarterback ass but me.

♪♪

♪ I am a lineman for the county ♪

All right, fellas, listen up.

Third down, so we need this one...

Arliss: When it becomes crunch time,

athletes are smarter than they look.

Derek: Otis, watch out for the blitz, baby.

Ready, break!

♪♪

I've got the papers right here.

Oh, best 32 million you ever spent.

Derek's one of a kind,

Right, Rita?

Arliss: Loyal to a fault,

they'll always stand by a true friend.

♪ And the Wichita lineman ♪

- (bones crunching) - (grunting)

Oh, my God!

♪ Is still on the line ♪

(Otis weeping)

(whistle blowing)

I'll tell you a story about Kirby Carlisle

that no one knows.

The day he won that Rose Bowl,

he didn't win it for himself.

No, he won it for the hundred Muslim refugees

who he sponsored,

and who are now all productive citizens

of the United States.

Kirby's a quarterback for AMM.

He makes up the game plan,

he executes the plays.

At last, somebody who understands me.

Take a picture now, motherfucker!

You won't be stickin' your johnson into nothin'

but an MRI!

Derek: Stop, stop!

Arliss, you told him, you told him!

Wh... wh... told him what?

About fuckin' Tawana.

No, no, no, I didn't say a word!

Arliss, you knew?

Knew what?

Sure, he knew!

Fuck you, Arliss, you're fired!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on!

Yeah, Arliss, fuck you, you're fired!

Oh!

D... Dale, they're joking, they're not serious!

We still have a deal, it doesn't change any...

Rita, Rita, help me, say somethin'!

I am not getting involved. I am not getting involved.

I am not getting involved, I am not...

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Rita: I am not getting involved.

I'm not getting involved.

♪ Do you wanna play ♪

♪ Though I can't afford the fall ♪

♪ No, no Livin' in a dream ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm takin' a ride ♪

♪♪

♪ The joke is still on you ♪

♪ You look so refined ♪

♪ And I'm livin' a lie ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Monday morning's garbage ♪

♪ Is all that we collected ♪

♪ We're innocent ♪

♪ But how can we make sense ♪

♪ When nothing is as we expected ♪

♪♪

♪ When reality's too dull ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ There's no one to sit in your house ♪

♪ When you sing like a mouse ♪