Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy,

but for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): One of the neat things about my profession

is raising money for those who really need it.

Trust me, there's no greater feeling

than giving something back.

On behalf of the Arliss Michaels "Give-A-Damn-Foundation",

I'd like to present Sue Carswell

with this check for $50,000

for her "Teens with Dreams" organization.

(applause)

In addition, I'd like to pass along

this $10,000 advance from Penden Publishing

for Sue's upcoming celebrity cookbook,

which will include recipes like Sammy Sosa's Salsa,

Jason Kendall Krunch,

and that ever so spicy, Juwan Howard's juwanmbalaya.

So what do you think?

Juwan, juwanmbalaya is hotter than your jump shot.

Try this one. More habaneros.

All the proceeds from this fair and the from the cookbook

will go to help establish a permanent home for youths who feel lost.

Thank you.

Now that's the kind of charity we're proud to support.

(cameras clicking)

(applause)

Get that picture. That's great.

Wire service, you're hot, hot.

Okay, guys, remember that the bus for the aquarium leaves at 6 AM.

So dress appropriately.

So, go have fun.

Rita. Oh, good!

- Guess what? - What?

I finished the book, I want you to be the first to read it.

You finished it, I don't know how you find the time.

Well, it's amazing what you can do

when your husband leaves you for a 19-year-old baseball groupie.

Makes you want to sauté his nuts.

It's alright.

Writing the book has been a cathartic experience.

And the money will go to the facility that these kids need.

So I'll bring the manuscript by tomorrow?

- Can't wait. - Okay!

Okay, I'll see you, bye!

Try this one.

Spicier.

Oh. (sniffs)

Oh, God!

Arliss (narrating): At AMM, we do more than pay lip service

to charitable causes.

I'm privileged,

as the "Give-A-Damn-Foundation's" chief executive,

to have a seat on the exclusive five person board of directors.

The remainder of the $1.2 million

generated by our foundation,

was disbursed to the United Way, UNICEF,

the Alzheimer's Foundation, and Pediatric AIDS.

However, due to my shrewd on-line investing

during this bull market,

we now have a surplus of roughly $300,000.

Let's go to Vegas!

Which has to go to a non-profit organization.

You've seen me gamble.

I think cruelty-free makeup research.

Not the bunnies in eye-liner again.

I say we give it to my cousin.

To get arms to get my country back

from that sonuvabitch, Fidel Castro coño!

Castro, what are you talking about?

I'll kill that sonuvabitch!

Fuck Castro, let's go to Vegas.

What do you mean, Vegas? That is the dumbest thing...

I gotta go.

We'll table this until I get back

and then we'll decide where the money goes.

Motion to adjourn, second it, all in favor?

- Meeting adjourned. - (speaking Spanish)

Do you know how many rabbits are killed every day

- from having eye-liner stuck in their eyes? - (imitating gunfire)

- Take those bunnies and cram them... - I got some bunnies in Vegas.

Rita, Rita!

Did you rent me a '99 Town Car?

I need a '99 Town Car.

(scoffs) It's Union, New Jersey,

think Chevy, mid-size.

Which suit?

Three piece Zegna? Dark blue Armani?

This one gives me shoulders, this one gives me a write-off.

Jesus Christ,

it's just a Little League field dedication.

It's not such a big deal.

It is to me.

How come they're naming this thing after you anyways?

Did you promise them something?

No, I didn't promise them anything!

It's Union's way of honoring

their most illustrious sports alumni, thank you.

Shoes, shoes.

Where the hell are my shoes?

- TJ! - Right beside you.

Arliss, why are you so uptight?

(stammering) I'm not uptight!

Okay, what... what's going on?

There's nothing going on.

Tell me, what's going on?

Arliss, what is going on?

Little League isn't all hot dogs and home runs.

Going back to your hometown can be damn traumatic.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Union was a great place to grow up in.

It was safe, it was friendly.

It's where I discovered banana bicycle seats and baseball box scores.

As you might expect, I was a shy introverted youth.

Pretty much the same person then as now.

25 cents.

Three dollars.

- Fifty cents. - Two dollars.

A buck.

♪ Treat me kind ♪

♪ I've been lonely for a long, long time ♪

♪ I've been looking... ♪

Arliss (narrating): But the one thing I remember best was Rona sussman.

♪ You and me and ♪

♪ Summer will come back ♪

♪ It's already come here before ♪

I think she had a crush on me, but I kept my distance.

♪ Summer will come back ♪

♪ It's already come here before ♪

(man vocalizing to music)

Even then you could see

I was cut out for a career in sports.

Jeez!

I think I hit 460 that year.

You're out!

Michaels, you suck!

Watch your language, Fusco.

Jeez! Man!

Arliss (narrating): No one could believe the way I played.

I walked with my head held high.

That spring, our Little League team

went to the Jersey State Championships.

Yes!

Although I had carried the team,

I still remained an outsider.

Boy: You're a loser, Arliss.

Shit!

Girl: Keep your head still.

You keep pulling your head away every time you swing.

Look, I'll show you.

Okay, step on it.

Better, try it again.

Aren't you gonna help me?

But the Giants could've had Butkis or Sayers,

but no, they had to draft Tucker Frederickson.

Why have you been watching me?

What? I have not.

Don't lie.

Hell, with that bike, I know it's you half a mile away.

It's just...

Your house is on my way to...

Yes?

Get more...

Good and Plenty?

Tell me... is this good?

♪ Whenever I start feelin' low-down blue ♪

♪ I just start thinkin' of a girl like you ♪

♪ You're so kind-hearted ♪

♪ And you're so sincere ♪

♪ Spending time with you makes it very clear ♪

Plenty.

Rona!

I didn't do anything.

Your mother wants you!

Coming!

I gotta go.

Good luck Sunday.

♪ Funny thing, funny thing ♪

♪ I love to watch you walk... ♪

I'll be waiting for you behind the bleachers after the game.

Arliss (narrating): "I'll be waiting for you behind the bleachers after the game."

What could upset me after hearing that?

Michaels, what the hell do you think you're doing on my street?

Get outta here before you give the whole neighborhood a slump!

Arliss (narrating): The title game was one of the greatest in Jersey history.

Ahead by one with two outs in the 7th,

we were one out away from being State Champs.

And more importantly,

I was out away from being behind the bleachers with Rona sussman.

Hey, batter, batter, batter!

Arliss (narrating): Suddenly there was a drive in the gap.

- No. - Oh, crud.

Arliss (narrating): I got on my horse

and gave it everything I had to run it down.

Please catch it, Arliss, please, please.

C'mon, please.

Arliss (narrating): But fate intervened.

A cloud cover broke and the sun suddenly beamed into my eyes.

I've got it!

(crowd groans)

Michaels, you asshole!

You costed the championship!

Arliss (narrating): Whether it was seeing her face,

or the fact that my teammates were about to beat the shit out of me,

for some reason I acted impulsively.

I made a choice.

What?

That's right, run away, run away, Michaels!

No, Arliss, no.

- Fusco: Run away, Michaels! - (groans)

Run away, run away, Michaels!

Run away, Michaels, run away, Michaels!

From that moment on,

I was known as "Runaway Michaels."

I even had to leave public school.

That's so sad.

What happened to Rona?

I was too embarrassed to ever see her again.

I heard later that she married a periodontist.

Wow.

Now you're going back there.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about what to do

with the foundation's surplus money.

Now I think...

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

One moment please.

It's Mayor Bard from Union.

Hello.

Arliss.

I just want to tell you how excited we are

about the groundbreaking for Arliss Michaels Field.

Arliss Michaels Field.

It's got a great ring to it.

I want to personally thank you for donating

$300,000 from the "Give-A-Damn-Foundation" to build it.

Well, it was my pleasure.

But this really isn't about me.

Sure it is, it was your idea.

Well, whose ever idea it was, I sincerely appreciate it.

By the way, how are you gonna make payment?

Check or money order?

Check that.

Anyway I'm looking forward to seeing you.

Bye bye.

About the foundation's surplus,

now I know that you love animals...

- Look at the time! - No, no, wait!

It's not just about rabbits.

(stammering) It's mice and hamsters and cats and dogs.

We'll talk about it when I get back.

Sue!

Oh! Oh, Rita. Here is my manuscript hot off the computer.

- So promise me you'll read it tonight. - Ah!

Promise me.

- I promise you. - Okay.

Ooh! "The Spicy Dishes of Sport."

- Sounds hot. - It is.

I got to go cook for the hospice group.

So call me when you finish.

Oh, okay, bye.

See ya!

(sighs)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

(gasps)

Rita.

Oh.

Rita.

You got to try this.

I call it Marcus Allen-dente.

Marcus Allen-dente, huh?

You know what, let me tell you a secret. I scored 123 touchdowns.

And before every game, you know what I ate?

Marcus Allen-dente?

Marcus Allen-dente.

Just...

(thud)

(thud)

Having a hard time getting the fork in there.

Well, that's the "al dente."

Stanley, hey Marcus.

Can I talk to you in your office?

Well, actually...

Great to see you Marcus, great recipe.

Stanley: "He was so coked up,

"he started having sex on the bar.

That was a problem, we couldn't get ice for our drinks."

Recipe book? Recipe book?

Did you know there are tri-sexuals?

Why is she doing this?

Her husband left her for a 19-year-old.

I'd say she's pissed.

Did you see what it says about Troy?

We better call Arliss.

(whispers) What?

Soon.

Once again I'd like to thank super agent Arliss Michaels

for his generous donation,

which is saving Little League baseball in Union, New Jersey.

- Thank you, Mayor, thank you all. - (applause)

You know, good to see you again.

Congratulations, Arliss.

Hey Arliss, got a dollar?

(laughs)

How long has she been doing that?

At least as long as I've been married to her.

Always liked her.

Man: Hey, "Runaway."

Fusco.

Amazes me they're naming a field

after the biggest fuck-up this league ever had.

Guess you can buy anything, huh, "Runaway"?

It's not "Runaway" anymore, that was a long time ago.

Times have changed.

Right, you're a big-shot agent now.

I guess if you can't be an athlete, you represent them.

That's right.

By they way, how did your baseball career turn out?

Actually I own my own business now.

Manufacturing these puppies.

Dog collars?

No shit-head,

Fusco's invisible dog trainer.

Twice as powerful as the normal ones.

You turn this switch, put it around your dog's neck,

if he starts to bark unnecessarily,

- you zap him. - (electricity buzzing)

(screams)

(laughing)

You shock dogs?!

It works.

Hey Fusco, you got a second?

I have something to show you.

Ooh, Angela, excuse me.

Hey Fusco, you forgot your cattle prod.

My mom says I swing like Mark McGwire.

Is that so?

Well, let me see you swing.

C'mon, here comes a pitch.

Woman: Keep your head still, Keri.

Rona?

Hello, Arliss.

Long time.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

This is my son, Keri.

Keri, your mom's right.

You do swing like Mark McGwire.

Alright!

Hey Mom, can I go now?

David's father says I can stay at his house until you get back.

Sure, I'll pick you up later.

You're the talk of the town.

Just like the old days.

Listen, can I get you a drink?

No, no, I'm fine, thanks.

You sure? Well, is your husband here? I'd love to meet him.

You'll have to go to Dallas.

That's where he lives now.

Oh.

- Anyway, I'm glad you're here. - I'm glad you came.

So am I.

- Me, too. Okay. - You first.

Fusco: ♪ For Runaway's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For Runaway's a jolly good fellow ♪

Want to get out of here?

Go someplace we can talk?

Yeah, sure, sure.

(Fusco cackling)

It must be something meeting all those celebrities.

Oh, it is...

generally a big pain in the ass.

Still it must be something getting out of Union

and living in Los Angeles.

To be honest...

right now life here looks pretty good.

Oh.

Now this looks familiar.

Rona: So does this.

Oh, dear.

(laughs softly)

Why Arliss Michaels, I do believe you're blushing.

I haven't seen that in 30 years, c'mon.

Want to take a ride in a time machine?

This is nice.

Yes, it is.

What happened?

How come I didn't end up with a guy like you?

Sun was in my eyes.

I waited for you under those bleaches till 9:00.

I got grounded for a month.

(car approaching)

Fusco: ♪ Runaway's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Yeah, Runaway's a jolly good fellow ♪

Fusco still lives here?

Some things never change.

Fusco: ♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Maybe they can.

C'mon.

(humming drunkenly)

- (electricity buzzes) - Ow!

(quiet laughter)

(electricity buzzing)

(groaning)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ah!

Ah! Fuck!

(electricity buzzing)

(groans)

Pretty good.

There's plenty.

♪ Whenever I start feelin' low-down blue ♪

♪ I just start thinking of a girl like you ♪

♪ You're so kind-hearted and you're so sincere ♪

♪ Spending time with you makes it very clear ♪

♪ It's you and me, you and me ♪

- (phone rings) - ♪ Nobody else like... ♪

I didn't do anything.

Excuse me.

(phone beeps)

Yes?

Big problem.

Sue's cookbook filets our clients.

What are you talking about?

It's a tell-all. A tell-all on our athletes.

She names names, places, dates,

quantities, inches.

How many clients are implicated?

Oh, 20, 30.

How many people can you get in a hot tub?

Okay, listen, nobody is to read that book.

You understand? Nobody.

How? She's already written it.

The publisher's waiting for it.

- Put Kirby on. - (scoffs) Here.

- Huh? - Kirby, listen to me, I don't care what you have to do.

But you got to kill that book, you understand?

- Understand. - Okay, I'm counting you.

- Bye. - (phone beeps)

Shit.

(thud)

- Everything okay? - Oh, yeah, no everything's fine.

It's just a little business problem.

- Now, where were we? - (laughs softly)

♪ Whenever I start feelin' low-down... ♪

Man: Hey, you kids, get out of there!

- (both laughing) - ♪ It's you and me, you and me ♪

♪ Nobody else, nobody else ♪

♪ Know me better than I know... ♪

Actually, I have to pick up my son.

Sure.

Tell you what, though,

tomorrow after the groundbreaking,

I'll give you another chance to meet me behind the bleachers.

Deal.

That's agent speak.

♪ And your beauty ♪

♪ You go into my core ♪

If I told everyone what I intended to write,

there would have been pressure on me not to write it.

This way it's done.

Are you sure you want to do this?

- You don't want to edit it? Tone it down? - Why?

People should know what being married to an athlete is like.

I think it might be a best-seller, don't you?

(stammering) Yeah.

(doorbell rings)

Excuse me.

Good afternoon, ma'am.

Hi.

I'm Lance, from Scorched Earth Pest Control.

Your neighbors, they have an infestation.

And I was wondering if you'd be interested in our services.

I don't have a pest problem.

Are you sure?

I will do your whole house for $99.99.

(squeaking)

(screaming)

(screams)

Pests.

- Even the nicest homes get them. - (Rita screams)

I start in the back and I flush them out.

Take off your shoes, mud.

Fuck you, watch the door.

I'll delete the book from the file.

You grab any hard copies or extra floppies you can find.

- Go. - (keyboard clacking)

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the disk.

That's underwear.

So? It's where I hide my stuff.

I'm already thinking about the sequel.

It's on the computer, get over here!

Okay, got to delete it from the hard drive.

There it is, highlight it.

- And (gasps) - (printer whirring)

You hit print.

Fuck. Me?

You idiot.

(clamoring)

Is everything alright back there?

It's okay! I see two big mices.

- Unplug it. - (printer whirring)

(gasps)

- Shit. - What is going on in here?

Yeah, what the hell is going on here?

I...

(both stammering)

I, um...

He...

(groans) We were trying to steal your manuscript.

I saw another vermin.

Rita, I thought you were my friend.

I am your friend, I apologize.

It was a really bad idea.

Yeah, well, so was your book.

Your cookbook is a recipe for disaster.

That book is going be published.

What about all the innocent people?

You know who the innocent people are?

18-year-old girls who marry jocks

and then have to live with late night hang-ups

and phone numbers in the pockets and crabs.

So you're doing it out of spite.

No, I'm doing it for the money.

Of course you are.

Not for me, for the kids.

A cookbook could raise what?

$50, 60,000?

But a tell-all book could bring $200, 300,000.

And if it happens to come at the expense

of a bunch of pigs who deserve it, well, that's just too bad.

So if you really mean what you say,

that it's strictly for the kids,

what if we could find you the money elsewhere?

- I'm listening. - What's she talking about?

Where we gonna get that kind of money?

(applause)

Bard: They say you can't go home again...

but not so for Arliss Michaels.

As you all know, this is a very special day for Union, New Jersey.

Today we're here to honor a very special native son.

A son who gives back to his roots.

In Union, as you know,

we are all committed to youth.

Union is committed to youth.

(phone rings)

This field is symbolic of our commitment.

Hello.

Agent Carlisle reporting, we did it.

We killed the book.

Great! How?

We negotiated a settlement.

Excellent, how much you pay her? $40, 50,000?

$300,000.

$300,000? Where the hell'd you come up with that money?

That's the beauty, the foundation.

We gave her the $300,000.

And she's gonna write a real cookbook.

What?!

We had to give it to charity anyway.

Get it back, get it back.

$300,000 wire transfer,

done.

I don't think we can.

I'm gonna have to cover this?

It's time to introduce to you

the man who has made this all possible.

And to present the check...

Arliss (narrating): There are few times life offers you a second chance.

A chance to redeem oneself.

A chance to pick up the pieces.

A chance to redetermine one's true net worth.

Fear not, these moments.

Make the choice.

(crowd gasps)

Look, Runaway Michaels is running away again!

Angela: Don't just stand there,

somebody tackle that sonuvabitch!

Get him! Get him!

Get him!

Arliss (narrating): Charity keeps me connected to the common man.

Charity elevates me to a higher plane.

Charity is who I am.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ ... the fool ♪

♪ There's nothing that you can do ♪

♪ And so I am... ♪

And now let's thank the man

who made the construction of this institution possible.

(applause)

♪ Runaway ♪

♪ Is that what I heard you say ♪

♪ You're lookin' for better days ♪

♪ But they never come ♪

♪ Runaway ♪

♪ Off to another place ♪

♪ Where nobody knows your face ♪

♪ Your lonely construct ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You can run, oh ♪

♪ But I think you'll find ♪

♪ You're not fast enough ♪

♪ Till I run, you're all mine ♪

♪ Ever since time began ♪

♪ That and the simple plan ♪

♪ Deep in the heart of me ♪

♪ Where he was confined ♪

♪ Runaway ♪

♪ Is that what I heard you say ♪

♪ You're lookin' for better days ♪

♪ But they never come ♪

♪ Runaway ♪

Arliss: What? Are we short?

The music ran out? How short?

Don't worry, it's over the Marquee Tollin/Robbins sign over there.

And that other thing, the HBO thing,

that starts to go, you know... (imitates hum)