Original subtitles

Kirby: Left foot, pink!

Ohhh, yes... nice form.

Right hand, purple.

So, what happened to your buddy?

I thought you were gonna set me up!

Oh, don't worry, Tina.

Stanley is very psyched to meet you.

He just went to get some take-out.

What are you doing in Arliss' office?

Oh! My! God!

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes. These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

(cheering)

Arliss: In today's society,

celebrities are exulted like never before.

Rock stars, movie idols, athletes,

they are loved.

However, even with the adulation,

often they feel the need to reach new heights,

blaze new trails.

That's why I give them such great respect.

Is he singing about the dog or the truck this time?

Both, the dog just got run over by the truck.

Oh, dear God, I hate this country cornpone shit.

Why did I agree to come?

Scott Erickson invited you.

Meanwhile, he's not here right now, so I am gonna...

Hey, Arliss.

Hey-hey! Scott Erickson!

How's Baltimore's maestro of the mound?

Enjoying the show? Cooter McCoy's one of the

hottest artists in America today.

Well, I can see why.

I mean, his songs have so much... Uh, so much...

Repetition!

Ahh, yes siree, Bob,

I love country music!

Lucky for you he gives four-hour shows.

Heyyyyyy!

This one's about the dog.

Truck.

Hey, Coop, great show. Thanks for the tickets.

My pleasure.

This is Rita Wu and Arliss Michaels.

How's the Springsteen of Minnesota?

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Michaels. C'mon in.

Actually, I gotta go. We're playing in Seattle tomorrow.

Can you give me a lift?

We're going straight to the airport.

I have mileage. Let's go.

Uh... R... R... R... Rita...

Have a seat, take a load off.

I want you to hear something, Arliss.

Great!

♪ I wanna die with my cleats on ♪

♪ Wanna four-wheel to that ballpark in the sky ♪

♪ My dog will be howling when I slide home ♪

♪ I only hope God's got a wide strike-zone ♪

♪ 'Cause I wanna die with my cleats on ♪

Your fans will love it.

I sure hope so.

Those fans took a crooner from St. Paul

and basically made all his dreams come true.

Well... all but one.

As a matter of fact, that's the reason

I had Scott bring you here tonight.

You asked him to bring me?

Yep. See, I was hopin' that you might help me

make my ultimate dream come true.

Me?

You.

Baseball?

As in the major leagues? Uh-huh.

As in Major League baseball?

The Cooter will play for nothing.

He says it's been a lifelong dream

to play for Minnesota.

It's been lifelong dream of mine to get rich.

Does that mean I get a raise?

I don't get it, what's in it for you?

Cooter will sing three songs after every game.

That means a mini-concert on TV 162 times a year.

That means we can renegotiate the cable deal!

We, meaning?

Meaning your old pea pickin' friend,

cousin Arliss Michaels. (laughing)

Rita!

Huh?

Call Remy Olsen, see if he can see me today.

♪ I wanna die with my cleats on ♪

Rita, I need the number for your chiropractor.

Oh, man, I'm bent outta shape.

You're not bent out of shape.

You're just bent.

How could you believe

that I would find someone like Tina attractive?

You told me she was cum laude.

No, I told you she comes loudly!

What in my personality would lead you to believe

that I would date a porn star?

Hey, you never know what kind of woman's

gonna fall for what type of guy.

Kissinger got pussy, for God sakes!

Ah... I know this sounds like a foreign concept to you,

but I care more for intelligence than cup size!

No more blind dates!

Oh, um... here's the number.

I wonder if he can get me in this morning?

Oh, no you don't,

you're supposed to pick up Hail.

Oh, shit, why do I always get the sociopaths?

That sociopath happens to be

the number one heavyweight contender.

Oh, I need an adjustment.

And forget about the chiropractors.

They're all quacks.

They do more harm than good.

Hmm, an intelligent person you can talk to.

I know just the woman.

What part of "no more blind dates" didn't you understand?

The part when you said that you wanted an intelligent woman.

Or was that just talk? Hm?

Well...

Hm? I'll call her for you.

Hey, what time am I supposed to pick up Hail, anyway?

Oh, he should be getting out right about... now!

Hail.

Okay, silver jewelry.

You got one Rolex.

One set of keys for a Mercedes Benz.

And one envelope containing $15,000,

in cash.

I had two pieces of Double Bubble.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hail, Hail, Hail, you just got out,

come on, it's only gum, it's only gum.

You're lucky my agent's here.

So, what, you the new babysitter this time?

Well, I'm the sitter, but, uh,

these are the babes.

Oh, my God, Hailstorm Foster, I can't believe it!

Should've brought one for yourself, Kirby.

Hmm?

♪ I wanna die with my cleats on ♪

♪ wanna four-wheel to that ballpark in the sky ♪

Remy, your team finished 30th in attendance

for the fifth straight year.

It's just a matter of time

before you have to sell the team.

However, this man's gonna help save baseball

in Minnesota.

No offense, Arliss,

but he's got no baseball experience.

Neither does half your team.

But they don't have 15 million fans.

Remy, think, if just 20% of Cooter's 15 million fans

attend one game a season,

That's three million a year in attendance.

Keep going.

Plus, those who can't get to the games

can watch it on TV,

which brings us to a Yankee-size cable deal.

Suddenly, you're a have instead of a have-not.

Ahh, I don't know.

Mr. Olsen, I'm a proud Minnesotan.

I mean, I grew up rooting for Carew, and Killebrew, and Hrbek.

Mudcat Grant! Zoilo Versalles!

I would be so happy if my singing

could somehow help you keep your ball club

in our great state.

You really think we can pull this off?

I'm sure of it.

I mean, the media is gonna love it.

Doesn't anyone care about the purity of the game anymore?

I mean, this is just another cheap gimmick

like the wild card,

and Charlie Finley's orange baseballs.

Why? Why? If Cooter can keep the team in Minnesota,

why is it a bad idea?

Because it's a travesty, Arliss.

You know as well as I do,

this guy can't hit big league pitching!

Neither could Bob Uecker, and he's a household name!

Yeah, fine, look, let me tell you,

no matter what you do, and I don't care what you do,

but no matter what, the commissioner is not gonna stand for it.

Yeah? Well, I got friends in high places.

Arliss, if the commissioner gives you any grief over this,

I got three words for him...

anti-trust legislation.

Way to go, let's keep that team in Minnesota.

Absolutely.

You betcha.

(French accent) Bonjour, welcome to McMarceuas.

What is your pleasure?

Uh, yeah, three Marceau burgers with cheese

and, uh, one double Marceau.

Yeah and hold the mime sauce.

Sorry, Monsieur, no special orders.

What?

If the chef does it for you,

he must do it for everybody.

That would be anarchy, no?

Man, you make a lot of fuckin' noise for a mime!

I oughta wipe that goddamn smile off your face!

Sticks and stones, sticks and stones...

Thank you.

And it's Americans who smell!

What? Are you saying that your clients

don't have a responsibility

to set a good example off the field?

Correct.

They're not role models, they're athletes.

They're stars, they're... they're celebrities.

I mean, kids watch everything they do.

And you know, in the black community,

that is especially important.

Oh, so black athletes have to be more careful

than any others? Isn't that racist?

Rac...? You're the ones who create the problem.

You encourage their self-centered,

egotistical, immature, materialistic behavior.

Wha... enough about me, what about you?

What do you... what do you do?

I'm a chiropractor.

(laughs) Of course you are.

(laughs) Let me guess,

you think we're all quacks, right?

No, no, no, no, no I wouldn't say that.

Oh.

I was thinking it.

What? You know what?

This is not working out, all right?

Yeah. You're right.

I'm gonna go get the check.

Great.

(bone snaps) Oh! Aah!

What is it?

Nothing.

Is it your back?

Slow... easy, that's it.

(cracking noises) Aahh... aah!

Okay, slowly, slowly.

Uh-huh.

I can tell you spend a lot of time

in front of your computer.

How would you know?

Your spine,

(cracking noise) Aah!

Your clothes,

Ooh-ho!

You. (cracking noise)

You know, I have a special chair that I use

with my computer to protect my back.

I should probably just get rid of my computer... ohh!

I know, I can lose days on the internet.

Everything takes so damn long to download... ohh!

(laughs) No kidding.

I just switched to a 56k modem,

And let me tell you, it is no better.

What I need is an ISDN line.

(cracking noise)

Ohhh...

Am I sounding like a computer geek?

Not from where I'm lying.

Minnesota is on board

as long as Cooter sings after every game.

Governor Ventura is handling the League,

and I am meeting with George Norton

of Midwest Sportsnet

to discuss the cable renegotiation.

You ever notice how,

a couple of days after it rains in L.A.,

the air seems almost... breathable?

Yeah, yeah, I was... I was thinking about that, uh, just, uh, yesterday.

Makes you wonder how so many people

can hate the rain.

Huh!

Ooh... ohh...

What now? Naked Battleship?

Two words, Hailstorm Foster.

How many laws did he break this time?

Ohh, none so far.

But only because I stopped him

from beating up a prison guard

and a drive-through mime.

You know, Arliss should just drop him.

Oh, it's not gonna happen.

His comeback fight on pay-per-view

is gonna be huge.

It's gonna bring in how much, Stanley?

Hmm? Oh, I don't know, I'm thinking, uh... lots.

♪ La, la, la ♪

Hold it!

You did it, didn't you?

We had a lovely evening, end of story.

Oh, you gotta love those chicks

you can talk to, huh, Stanley?

Come on, 'fess up, you nailed her.

No, I did not nail her, you Neanderthal,

I'm simply waiting until the moment is right.

♪ Ya da dee... ♪

The moment is now, carpe diem, seize the babe!

So, if Cooter can play baseball,

can you get me a record deal?

Can you sing? Oh, yeah.

♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪

♪ Take me out to the crowd ♪

♪ Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks... ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, look at the time.

It's time for BP. Go have a good one.

Very impressive.

It takes four out of six to win the game,

Or should we just be daring and say five?

Ha... uh-uh, don't hold back, I want the whole six.

Well, whatever you want.

Arts and Literature.

Who was William Shakespeare's wife?

Gwyneth Paltrow!

(laughing) I'm just kidding, Ann Hathaway.

Am I right?

Stanley, c'mon, am I right?

No.

Oh.

You're perfect.

I've been waiting for this moment for a long time.

Here.

You're so sweet, what is it?

It's a new ISDN modem!

You never have to wait for the internet again!

Stanley.

(chanting) Cooter! Cooter!

What a turn-out.

I haven't seen this many fans

since Beanie Baby Night!

George, Cooter and company

are gonna turn your little cable network

into a superstation, 25 million.

Cooter, Cooter!

Arliss, this isn't a major market.

There are more lakes than people in Minnesota.

George, Cooter puts asses in seats

and asses in front of your TV sets.

Renegotiate now or get ready for a bidding war.

Stee-rike!

Wow, that was fast!

Nice pitch!

25 million.

It's a passing fad, it's a gimmick!

He can't hit!

(cheering)

♪ I sat down on that bar stool ♪

♪ Johnny said that she'd been here ♪

♪ She left a little message ♪

27 million.

♪ In case I should appear ♪

♪ A broken down car ♪

♪ And I used to sweep out ♪

♪ This dirty old bar ♪

♪ Till one day a stranger ♪

♪ Turned my life around ♪

♪ If you heed this secret ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you now ♪

♪ You'll get your wife back, your dog back ♪

♪ And turn up your luck ♪

♪ Yeah, you might even pick up a new pickup truck ♪

♪ You'll get happy and sober ♪

♪ I know it sounds strange ♪

♪ Play a country song backwards ♪

♪ And your whole life will change ♪

(chanting) Cooter, Cooter!

30 million.

Call me Monday.

Well, obviously to get a hit

my first time at bat, in my first major league game,

I mean, it's the thrill of a lifetime.

Thanks a lot, guys, appreciate it.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

Is that Cooter Cobb?

Ha-ha! The Picasso of pinch hitters!

Fastball down the middle,

and a frozen rope to right field.

That was one helluva knock!

I sucked.

What are you talking about?

You had a clean base hit!

No, I'm talkin' about after the game.

Singing for the fans, I sucked.

Oh, I think you're being hard on yourself.

Your mind was probably still on the game.

Exactly, my mind was still on the game.

It made me realize, you can't serve two masters.

So, what are you saying?

I'm gonna quit singing.

You're not gonna sing?

I'm done singing till after the season's over.

But you have to sing!

Think of your fans. I mean, think of the deal.

No more concerts, no more autographs.

I'm gonna focus on taking my team to a pennant.

Cooter, Cooter, Cooter, Cooter, Coot...!

Arliss: The love affair between today's celebrity

and their fans is eternal.

Arliss, what are you trying to pull?

He has a contractual obligation to sing.

He doesn't sing, he doesn't play.

I understand that, but you're not gonna cut your biggest draw!

Besides, he's battin' a thousand!

Shouldn't you be in training for the fight?

I mean, it's only a month away.

Oh, you want me to train?

Let me see, where can I find a weight room?

Try prison, motherfucker!

I'm in shape!

Hey, Rita.

Chantelle!

Is Stanley here?

Oh, he's in with Arliss right now,

and it might be a little while.

Which means... spill it.

(laughs) Well... he's such a gentleman.

Did you get some?

(laughs) No.

I mean we just... We haven't even...

I'm all ears, baby.

I'm getting fucked here, too, you know!

I'm losing the commission on a cable deal.

Arliss, if you don't fix this,

you'll go down in history

as the guy who put the final nail

in the coffin of Minnesota baseball.

Me? If it wasn't for me...

You have to change Cooter's mind,

or we're giving him his outright release.

Remy, listen...

(woman screams)

Hail, that kind of behavior

is completely inappropriate.

I realize that you're a client,

but who do you think you are?

You can't go around fondling...

I can't leave you alone for a second?

What did you do?

He groped her.

You punk!

Who the fuck you callin' a punk, bitch?

Oh, I'm calling you a punk!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hail, man, great to see you!

You don't remember? You got a contract.

You can't fight for another 28 days.

Uh, Stanley, could I see you in my office?

Not now, Arliss! Yes, yes, now.

Yeah, Stanley, move, while you still can.

You'd better leave. We'll talk later.

Okay.

(kicks door)

Good to see you, Hail.

Are you outta your fuckin' mind?

Arliss, I want you to drop Hail as a client, today.

Drop Hail? I oughta drop you!

If you ask me to choose between your girlfriend

and my client, you might not like my answer.

Arliss!

You know, you might wanna thank me

for savin' your life.

You know, he coulda killed you!

Arliss... you don't understand.

I'm in love.

No, no, no, no, no, you're not.

You probably caught something.

You'll be over it in 24 hours.

In 24 hours, I expect to be engaged.

Stanley, think, think, think.

Emotions have no cash value.

Coming...

(gasps) Stanley!

Oh. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Look, uh, I am so sorry

about what happened today at the office,

what a pig! Huh?

Hey, Chantelle, you got any cereal?

Somethin' sugar coat-ted...?

Hey, Stanley.

I'll leave you two lovebirds alone, um,

I'll be in the kitchen.

Stanley...

No, no, no, no, don't, uh... don't say anything,

it's all right. Besides... you're not fucking a celebrity,

you're fucking a role model.

He can't even spell ISDN!

(cheering)

Arliss, is he gonna sing after the game or not?

Who knows?

Let's hope he strikes out and comes to his senses.

Come on, Cooter, come on, take 'em deep!

Good luck, Cooter.

Arliss: When a celebrity, while remaining humble,

explores new boundaries,

everyone is supportive.

Spectators: Hey! Hey! Oh!

Whoo... Shin music, huh?

Welcome to the big leagues.

Booooo!

If he does that again, it's his ass!

Arliss: A celebrity's presence signals a welcome gesture

of love from all those who surround him.

Being a celebrity means people want to embrace you.

Arliss, I think he's taking this a little bit too seriously.

I've noticed.

At times, everyone wants a piece of you.

This may allow for some unconventional behavior.

Female reporter: Boxing heavyweight Hailstorm Foster

is back in jail again after a violent incident at a fast food...

Arliss: We take a vicarious thrill

watching their every move.

Ehh, you tell him, clown.

Ahh! Nice, nice.

(bone snaps)

Ow!

Hey, watch his strummin' hand.

Save that strummin' hand!

You see him?

Arliss...

♪ I wanna die with my cleats on ♪

♪ Wanna four-wheel to that ball park in the sky ♪

Arliss: Unfortunately, for some, celebrity is short-lived.

Man: There's no pulse!

While for others, it's a lifetime commitment.

Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

By the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Arliss: The illuminance of celebrity

can take you over the rainbow

to the land of Oz.

♪ I only hope God's got a wide strike zone ♪

♪ Cause I wanna die with my cleats on ♪

♪ Yes, I wanna die with my cleats on ♪

(applause and cheering)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

from Hootie and the Blowfish,

Mr. Darius Rucker.

It is my great honor to present this special

posthumous award for Best New Song

to Cooter McCoy.

Even though his life was cut tragically short,

I'm sure wherever he is today,

Cooter's smilin' right now.

Accepting the award on his behalf,

is his lifelong agent and friend,

Arliss Michaels.

(applause)

Darius.

Thank you, members of the Academy.

Cooter, here's to the only Grammy award winner

with a one-thousand lifetime batting average!

Yee-hahhhh!

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Y'all take care now, hear?

♪ I sat down on that bar stool ♪

♪ Johnny said that she'd been here ♪

♪ She left a little message ♪

Uh, right hand, purple.

♪ In case I should appear ♪

♪ He said that she meant business ♪

♪ Then he took a somber tone ♪

♪ He leaned across the bar and whispered ♪

♪ Boy, you'd best get home ♪

♪ A fool and his honey are soon parted ♪

♪ The girl you take for granted ♪

♪ Is gonna leave you brokenhearted ♪

♪ She's the best thing you got going ♪

♪ So get your motor started ♪

♪ A fool and his honey are soon parted ♪

♪ I'd signed up for karaoke ♪

♪ Didn't want to lose my place ♪

♪ Got one eye on ESPN ♪

♪ And a twenty ridin' on that race ♪

♪ Jukebox stuffed with quarters ♪

♪ Enough to rock till 3 AM ♪

♪ But I can kiss it all goodbye ♪

♪ If I'm still here by then ♪

♪ A fool and his honey are soon parted ♪

♪ The girl you take for granted ♪

♪ Is gonna leave you brokenhearted ♪

♪ She's the best thing... ♪