Original subtitles

(dramatic music plays)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

♪ ♪

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

.♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

- (men laugh) - Stanley: "And now,

Playing for Los Angeles..."

"Rico Rosa!

Big man, shortstop."

Oh, Rupert'll love this!

Acquiring Rico Rosa

will help the Fox family.

Not only on the field,

but also on the Street.

Arliss, we want Rico, but we don't want you

to use us as leverage to start a bidding war.

Bidding war? Please!

I'm not gonna have a bidding war.

I just wanna go to your stadium,

kick back and hear...

"Now, playing for Anaheim..."

"Rico Rosa!

Big man, shortstop."

Oh, Michael is gonna love this!

Acquiring Rico Rosa will help the Disney family.

Not only on the field, but also on the Street.

So, are you sure Rico's gonna leave Kansas City?

After playing five years under Helga Krupp, wouldn't you?

When the hell is baseball

gonna make that crazy old broad sell the team?

Yeah.

Stanley: If Anaheim signs Rico Rosa,

they'll be naming the eighth dwarf after him... Money.

So, Arliss, what's it gonna take to hear...

"Now playing for Atlanta..."

"Rico Rosa!

Big man, shortstop."

(Stanley humming)

Ted is gonna love this.

Arliss, we go four years, 30 million.

30 million? I can't go back to my client

with an offer like that! He'll be offended!

Your client has spent his whole career

playing under that bigoted, ignorant,

vodka-swilling Helga Krupp.

What could possibly offend him, huh?

Look, make it 40 million.

I mean, $40 million, remember, acquiring Rico Rosa,

will not only help the Time-Warner family

on the field, but also...

(narrates) A player's career can be made or broken

- Come on. - Depending on his comfort level with his team.

- Say 40 million. - F-f-fo-f-f...

(Arliss narrates) It's an agent's responsibility

to find his client the perfect fit.

(phone ringing)

Mmm! They feel great!

I stretch them for you.

I use mink oil.

Thank you, Kekee.

I leave this with you.

Remember, always choose mink oil on ostrich.

Whoa, ostrich and mink oil.

Oh, yeah, you love the little animals.

Yes, I do, now, give it back!

How many minx you think are in every can?

- Give it back! - Hello, Team Strike Force!

No bickering!

Tomorrow night are the finals.

We need the right attitude

to roll over those leeches at CAA!

And roll into $10,000!

So, let's lift each other up.

Yeah, well, who lifts candy-arm?

Arliss, we drag.

What if he chokes again like he did last year?

He didn't choke, he rolled a solid 86.

We'd win this thing if it wasn't for him.

(cheering)

Team Strike Force!

(men laugh)

Hey, so, what time is the finals tomorrow night?

- 8:00, 8:30-ish. - 11:00.

- 6:00. - Is that tomorrow?

- Okay. - Rita: Oh, by the way...

Helga called twice when you were inside.

She's in town. She wants to talk.

Thank you. I feel hot for tomorrow night.

(laughs) Hot!

- Aren't you gonna call her back? - Of course.

I see a 200 game.

Ooh, 200!

After you make a deal with another team?

- Of course. - That's sexism!

No, that's capitalism.

It's because she's woman. If she was a man...

Someone would have decked her ass long ago.

But Helga doesn't have the media empire

to help her buy a championship.

That's right, she doesn't. I wish she did.

I wish she had all the money in the world.

It would make our job a whole lot easier.

But, she doesn't!

Woman: Out of the way, please.

- Out of the way. - (dog pants)

Look, let's look at the options practically.

Woman: Please get out of the way, sir.

Did you hear me? Move it!

Time-Warner, Disney,

Fox, Helga.

Duh!

Helga: Stay back! Out of my way!

Who should we spend the majority of our time with?

Besides the fact, she's put her foot

in her mouth so many times she's got athlete's tongue!

Helga Krupp is an uncouth,

bigoted, alcoholic...

(Helga laughing)

and one of my dearest friends in sports.

(dog growling)

Don't worry. I'm the one who bites.

(chuckles)

Helga Krupp, to what do I owe this pleasure?

You, not returning my phone calls.

I never got the message.

In a pig's valise!

Miss Krupp, may I... (chuckles)

may I say that, as a woman in a predominantly male world,

I greatly admire all that you've accomplished.

Do me a favor.

You people are great with math.

I just put seven quarters in the meter out front.

How much time do I have?

♪ ♪

Oh!

Boy!

That was a long trip, how's about a vodka tonic?

I'd love one!

Not too much ice, sugar.

Helga, why don't you come into my office? Let's talk there.

Sh, Turk, stay, stay, boy.

So, what can I do for you?

You have been trotting Rico Rosa around

like a blue ribbon hog.

I have done no...

Sugar, I have been the only gal in that league for forever.

I know when the boys are playing without me.

Rico started in KC, he's gonna stay in KC.

Mrs. Krupp, Rico is a free agent. He can play anywhere.

Hard cheese to that, honey.

Now, why don't you and I just settle this thing?

Let's see, last year we paid him $2.7 million.

I'll raise it to four.

Four million dollars?

With an option year.

(chuckles) Mrs. Krupp, we have other offers

that are considerably higher.

Four million dollars is a lot of money.

You know, when we found Rico,

he was living with 11 brothers in one room?

Those Latin people can do that.

Rita: Oh, no! Oh, no!

What the hell was that?

Go away! Go away, you fucking stupid beast!

Hey! Stop that!

What kind of a person berates an animal?

A person who's got her shoes...

(splats)

(sobs)

peed on!

I have said my peace, Mr. Michaels.

Next time I expect the courtesy

of a return phone call.

Come on, Turk.

(whimpers)

Come on, baby. Out of my way!

- (mocks) - Move it, move it, move it!

(car honks)

(speaking Spanish)

The money's about the same for all three teams...

Four years, 40 million.

The difference is in their subsidiaries.

Atlanta will throw in your own pilot on the WB,

Anaheim will give you a lifetime pass to Euro Disney,

and Los Angeles will give you

a bit part in "Revenge of the Phantom Menace

as It Strikes Back, Yet Again, Part 2B."

Actually, I've... I've changed my mind.

I really don't wanna go anywhere.

What are you talking about?

I wanna stay where I am.

You want to stay in Kansas City?

Yeah, my daughter.

My ex-wife, she has custody of her, so.

She won't leave Kansas City,

so I won't leave Kansas City.

I understand that, but Helga will only pay

half of what the others are offering.

Then get half.

Half of what?

- Get 20 million. - No, no, you misunderstood me.

No, I heard you, you said 20 million.

- I know what I said, but... - My daughter's there, okay?

I'm staying there.

♪ ♪

20 million's a lot of money.

- I know it's a lot of money. - Get 20 million.

From Helga?

(narrates) As fans, we care about traditions.

The players and teams we like

are the ones that remain grounded.

Man on phone: Helga!

Honey, it's the hall of fame people

that are supposed to pay for George Brett's room

in Cooperstown, not the ball club.

But, Helga, the team that has a player being inducted

usually pays for the hotel rooms as a courtesy.

Ken...

No, no, this is George.

George, honey, I'm not a travel agent.

Isn't it enough that you got elected

to the Hall of Fame?

Sorry to interrupt. George!

Who's this?

Arliss.

- Arliss who? - Michaels.

What the hell do you want?

I just wanna tell you, from the bottom of my heart,

- how impressed I... - (phone beeps)

Long distance.

Excuse me, Mrs. Krupp, I'd like to get this done.

- I have somewhere to go. - Excuse you?

You're not the only pebble on the beach, Mr. Michaels.

In case you hadn't noticed,

I'm working like a cooly

getting ready for baseball season,

so just hold your water.

(toy squeaking)

(footsteps approach)

I have Turk's dinner.

You know Marty Bullock, Director of Baseball Operations.

- Hey. Yeah. - Is it lukewarm? He likes it lukewarm.

It's lukewarm. (sighs)

Mrs. Krupp, we need to talk

about "Light It Up" night.

What's the matter, sweetie?

We're not giving away whole packs,

just single cigarettes.

Everyone is gonna fire up a butt

during the seventh inning stretch.

Won't that make a breathtaking sight?

- Yeah, I really need to... - Mrs. Krupp, it's the league.

They take a dim view of smoking.

It's bad for you.

Bad for you?

Listen, honey, when they stop serving

snout-and-hoof franks in ballparks,

they can talk to me.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to run a baseball team

that doesn't charge a king's ransom for a seat.

Just tell the league to go fry ice.

Fry ice, right.

Mrs. Krupp, look, I'd like to get this done.

- I have to be some... - (clock barking)

(bell chimes)

I'm a busy woman, Mr. Michaels,

so, if you wanna talk to me,

you have to keep up.

Where you going?

C'mon, Turk. C'mon, baby, let's go.

- Here we go. Come on. - Hold on, hold on.

Marty, make sure the heat is down to 50 by 6:00 p.m.

Anybody works late can wear a sweater.

Yes, Mrs. Krupp, have a nice night.

Oh, thank you. Come along, Mr. Michaels.

Where are we going?

You and I are dining out, my treat.

You can leave the tip.

Tip?

(Muzak playing)

Oh, well, I'll get the short stack

with the house burgundy,

and don't forget the senior discount.

They make a wonderful sticky bun here, Mr. Michaels.

Great. Nothing for me.

Look, four years, 20 million.

That's half price for Rico Rosa.

(laughs) Oh, sweetie,

you've got me confused with one of those big networks.

My father, God rest his soul,

before he owned the team,

he owned hardware stores,

specializing in fireplace accessories.

Really? You know, $20 million,

I mean, that's a deal, that's a bargain!

- Think of it as a long-term investment. - Mmm.

Miss... Miss Krupp,

may I please have your autograph?

Oh, sure, sweetie. What's your name?

Joey.

Alright, here you go, sweetie.

Here you are, darlin'.

Thank you.

(laughs) They say I'm bad for the game.

It's not me that's bad for the game,

it's you people.

"You people"? Excuse me?

Let's face facts, Mr. Michaels.

Your type people sure are smart,

but you're pretty ruthless, too.

That's it, that's it, I don't need anymore of this.

You know, I'm tired of your ethnic slurs.

"Ethnic slurs"?

I'm talking about sports agents!

(phone dials)

But then again, if the shoe fits.

Sal, Sal, I want wheels up in half an hour.

- That's right, ha... - ♪ ♪

What do you mean there's fog?

(laughs) You're lucky it isn't snow, sweetie.

In another month, it'll be ass high on a tall Indian!

Well, you got radar! Just use it! (mumbles)

Man, I gotta be back for the tournament.

They don't stand a chance without me.

- (laughs) - There's gotta be a way!

There... there's got...

- Yeah, fine. - (beeps)

Sweetie, I'll have a refresher on the red.

Are you sure I can't entice you, Mr. Michaels?

What is it?

Dog piss, it takes a while to clean.

I will try to get them to you.

If not, you can always rent shoes.

Rent shoes? Oh, no, thank you.

I don't need foot syphilis.

Could you just bring them to the Wilshire Bowl-O-Rama tonight?

- Take Santa Monica to... - I know where it is.

Thanks, Kekee.

Get this! Arliss is stuck in the fog with Helga Krupp!

Hee-hee, there is karma!

Oh, my god, that means...

If we can find a ringer to replace him,

ten grand is in the bag.

But, it has to be a client or an employee.

(rock music plays)

So, Pete Sampras, you gonna be the missing link

on the AMM bowling team?

You bet. I love to bowl.

Terrific. How good are ya?

I'm real good. Last week,

I almost beat Arliss.

Oh, what do... you know, we just filled that spot.

I'm sorry, Pete.

(dial tone)

♪ ♪

So, then, I can say that Eric Karros is in?

Yeah, I love to bowl.

Great!

How much you paying me?

10,000 split four ways.

$2500?

I get paid that for standing up for the anthem!

- (mutters) Shit! - Get Chan Ho.

(beeps)

So, what do you say? Come on, Willie Roaf!

- Be a saint, come bowl with us. - No thanks, Rita.

It's all the beer you can drink.

What time should I be there?

Eight o'clock. Now, you take Santa Monica west...

♪ ♪

They have been trying to get me

to sell the team for years.

I oughta sell it to blacks. That'd teach them.

It's not blacks, it's African-Americans.

"Toh-may-toh, toh-mah-toh." Who cares?

Everybody cares. Don't you see that?

Major "Reague"... Major League Baseball

would love to have minority ownership.

Oh, ho, ho, yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why we see so many afro-American owners.

It's not me that cares if blacks own a baseball team.

It's those other old goats.

Fine, Helga, whatever you say.

Helga: So, ignore me.

Why do people care what I think anyway?

Why they get so upset?

I'm just one person with opinions.

Fine, just don't say 'em out loud.

I'm... I'm gonna tell you a secret.

It's the "Ornamentals" we gotta worry about.

The "Ornamentals"?

The Japs are takin' over.

When their children don't study,

they beat them with canes.

- Why? Why? - I'm gonna get this wrapped up for Aunt Heidi.

She just loves pancakes.

♪ ♪

That's right, Helga!

You gotta watch out for those "Ornamentals"!

Those slant-eyed devils, they're ruining baseball!

Whoa! Guys, guys, it's not what you think.

Guys, no, it's okay.

No. My assistant, she's Asian.

Actually, she's from Seattle.

- (punch thuds) - (grunts)

- Thug: Bitch! - Hey, fellas, look, wait, wait, wait.

- Shut the fuck up. - I didn't mean to insult you.

- I was merely making a point. - Motherfucker!

I bet you think we "Ornamentals" know that karate shit, too! Huh?

No, of course you don't know karate.

(babbles)

Helga: Arliss, Arliss!

Now, we're really gonna kick your ass.

Helga: Arliss, hop in!

Helga! Helga!

Slow down! Slow down! Slow down!

Helga: Move it! Come on!

(chuckles)

It's good thing we're in this old Jew canoe, huh?

Oh, great, I got a nose bleed. Damn.

Oh, yeah? Alright, here.

Just take and fold this,

stick it under your upper lip.

It'll stop your nose bleed.

Old army trick.

That's okay.

Do it!

That crushed velvet is factory,

and not cheap.

Okay, okay.

Ahh, you're such a good boy.

Thanks.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the puppy.

It's alright, sweetheart, we're going home.

♪ ♪

Mmm.

I can't believe how bad Willie sucks.

What are you talking about? He got a strike.

Yeah, two lanes over.

I'll talk to him.

Hey, Willie. Uh, you're killin'.

But maybe take a little bit off it?

Kirby, I only have one speed, man, that's full.

Go get 'em.

- Ah! - Gutterball. Did you see that one?

- Totally... - Man: Hey, Kekee!

(yells in Spanish)

Here you are, Miss Rita.

Thank you, Kekee.

- Is that a friend of yours? - Last time I was here

That man bowled a 262.

262?

Sí, and he came in second place in the tournament.

Second place? Who came in first?

♪ ♪

Kekee, you didn't happen to bring any

of that mink oil, did you?

Hey, Willie, what is that, about a 12-pounder?

- Yeah. - Hey, man, a big stud like you

Needs a big hitter. Try this one.

Okay.

That's a 16-pounder.

- 16? - Yeah.

Shit! Damn, I smashed my damn foot!

Ditka gonna kill me.

Damn! Shit!

(jazz music plays)

Is this you?

Yeah, that's me and Daddy duck hunting.

Bagged a lotta ducks.

Poor, defenseless birds. I hated duck hunting,

but Daddy thought it would be good for me,

toughen me up.

Why did he want to do that?

He never had any boys.

- He knew I would end up with the team. - (bottle clinks)

If you're gonna be a woman in a man's world,

you best be tough as nails, Mr. Michaels.

Do you... have any children?

None, too bad.

I woulda been a great mother.

And it woulda been nice to leave the ball club to family.

Well, you still have Aunt Heidi.

Well, Aunt Heidi is dear,

but that's not the same as children.

Maybe that's why I kept the ball club.

(humphs) They're my children.

Hey, it worked.

Yes, Arliss, I'm the last of a breed.

I'm going the way of Fenway Park

and nickel beer night.

You strike me as an old fashioned type.

Well, it's my job to get the clients

the best possible deal I can,

but Rico is a client, take a little less

in order to stay with the owner who signed him.

I'd like to see that too.

Maybe that does make me old fashioned.

I meant would you like an old fashioned?

Gee whiz, ask a guy if he wants a drink,

he tells you his whole life story.

Schaefer Beer? I haven't seen Scha...

My dad used to drink Schaefer beer.

He used to sing the jingle with me.

♪ Schaefer, is the ♪

Both: ♪ One beer to have when you're ♪

♪ Having more than one ♪

♪ Schaefer's pleasure doesn't fade ♪

♪ Even when your thirst is done ♪

♪ The most rewarding flavor ♪

♪ In this man's world ♪

♪ For people who are having fun ♪

♪ Two, three, four ♪

Both: ♪ Schaefer is the ♪

♪ One beer to have ♪

♪ When you're having more than one ♪♪

(Turk whining)

(coughing)

You okay?

(Turk whining)

Oh, Turk, sweetheart,

I'll be with you in a minute. (coughs)

I'll tell you what, let me... let me take him, okay?

I'll... I'll walk him. You stay here.

Oh. Thanks.

Here, take this with you.

I'll never understand

why people buy special shovels for dog poo.

A special shovel for dog poo!

The whole world's gone crazy.

♪ ♪

Turk, didn't anyone ever tell you

about crapping in your own backyard?

Oh, well.

Helga: Heidi. Hi, Aunt Heidi.

I got some pancakes for you.

- Hi, pretty girl. - (Heidi meows)

Oh, Aunt Heidi, I'm so glad to see you.

You know, I had dinner with a nice Jewish man today.

A very nice man.

(Turk whimpers, barks)

Turk, Turk! Shit. Turk!

(cheering)

♪ ♪

(door closes)

Arliss: Hey, we're back.

Sorry it took so long, but...

Turk here decided to give me a tour of the neighborhood.

Didn't you, guy? (laughs)

Oh, god.

I now know every street in Kansas City.

(chuckles) Sleepin'?

Nine glasses of wine will do that.

(dial tone)

Helga, you okay?

(Turk whining)

Helga?

Oh, god.

Oh, dear god.

(Turk whining)

It's okay, boy. It's okay, boy.

So, you want me to check?

Yeah.

(indistinct chatter)

I don't know what you did, Arliss.

Nothing, I was just walking the dog.

No, I meant about Rico's contract.

She never came close to paying one player $20 million.

What are you talking about?

She authorized four years, 20 million for Rico.

She left a message on my machine.

It must have been just before she died.

I don't know who's gonna end up owning the team.

(sighs)

They just don't build 'em like her anymore.

It's the end of an era.

23, 24, 2500.

It was a pleasure doing business with you folks.

Call me any time.

Oh, yeah.

(laughs) Bye-bye.

- Remember, - Ooh!

Arliss thinks we forfeited,

so don't be running around all happy.

How am I supposed to do that with all of this?

- That money's taxable. - That'll help.

If we forfeited, how are we gonna explain this?

Ahh.

Hello, senor Arliss.

Ola.

- Ooh! - Oh my god.

Umm...

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Arliss, hi! Hi!

- Rico's waiting for you in your office. - Good.

Are you okay?

I've been better.

Oh, you know, it was tough forfeiting.

I mean, we missed you, but hey, we're a team.

That's not what I was talking about.

What's the matter?

Helga Krupp died last night.

- Oh, my god. - Yeah.

Helga died?

Well, remind me to sell my Seagram's stock.

- (chuckles) - That's very funny.

- Kirby: Oh, Helga! Oh! - Oh!

(whispers) Kirby, it's okay. It's all right.

Arliss: You know, you could show some respect!

Mm-hmm!

- (sighs) - You know...

Oh!

Helga might have marched to her own drum,

but she was real.

Yes, exactly.

Okay. Where's my money?

♪ ♪

It's sad. You know, in a strange kind of way,

I'm gonna miss the old battle ax.

(chuckles) The one positive note in all this is that

she thought enough of you to authorize your $20 million contract.

Congratulations.

Uh-huh.

I thought Anaheim went for 40.

They did, but you said

you wanted to stay in Kansas City.

Yeah, well, that's... that's a difference of $20 million.

That's mucho dinero, Arliss.

What are you saying here?

You're saying now you wanna leave Kansas City?

What about your daughter? I thought you wanted to be close to her.

She can fly out to see me every weekend.

It won't hurt our relationship.

In a pig's valise.

Que?

♪ ♪

Arliss: Ultimately, I can only hope

my clients choose to play

- where they feel they fit best. - (phone beeps)

Rita, get me Marty Bullock.

(sighs) Marty, I'm real sorry

things didn't work out with Rico.

Ah, that's life in the big leagues.

We still have some very good kids here.

Yeah, you guys'll do fine.

You know, you didn't have to fly all the way out here

- to meet the new owner. - Nah, I wanted to. We're friends.

Hey, buddy.

(narrates) You never know where you'll find

- (laughs) - a sense of belonging or a truly kindred spirit.

(grunts, laughs)

Come here, Turk. Get over here.

Oh, what is this? (sniffles)

Oh... don't worry, don't worry.

Don't worry. Come here, come here.

Old army trick. (laughs)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Little bird ♪

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ I've built a nest ♪

♪ High above ♪

♪ Any storm ♪

♪ Will ever reach ♪

♪ No more fears ♪

♪ No more worries ♪

♪ They've all gone away ♪

♪ I will be the place ♪

♪ Where you rest your wings ♪

♪ I will be your shelter ♪

♪ And keep you safe ♪

♪ I will keep you safe ♪

♪ My sweet ♪

♪ Little bird ♪♪

♪ ♪