Original subtitles

(dramatic music plays)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

- (water splashes) - (theme music plays)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is ♪

♪ That makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something ♪

♪ Oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met ♪

♪ You had a hold on me? ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ ♪

Arliss: In 1998, sports fans had to endure the ugly spectacle

of an NBA labor dispute.

Fortunately, true hoops lovers had an alternative.

The women played basketball the way Dr. Naismith intended...

They pass, they pick and roll, they play defense.

It's the perfect game for the basketball aficionado.

You got it. You got it. Shoot, shoot, shoot.

Come on! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Let's go. Let's go. Show! Come on!

You get back. Get back, Loretta.

C'mon, girl.

Arliss: That's why I have season tickets

and make it a point never to miss a game.

- (whistle tweets) - Rita: What do you mean foul, you motherfucker?

Arliss: But know this about my clients...

During the NBA lock-out, they took advantage

of their downtime to improve their hang time.

- (record scratches) - ♪ Get up, get up ♪

♪ Get up, get up, get up, get up ♪

(mutters) Oh, my god. No.

- ♪ Get up, get up, get up, get up ♪ - (crashes)

♪ Give it a little beat, no, get down ♪

Hey, Arliss.

John Starks!

How's my favorite sharp-shooting shooting guard?

What you think? I'm bored. When the strike gonna end?

Lock-out. It's a lock-out. The owners are locking you out,

and don't you forget it. Just remember,

- good things come to those who wait. - Ha!

Nothing but net. You got no game.

Listen to this fool talk noise.

Put your money where your mouth is. (kisses)

You got it.

- They're everywhere! - (yelps)

It's an infestation.

Jeez. I can't wait for this damn lock-out to end.

If you really feel that way, then back off your militant,

"We'll break the owners' backs" rhetoric!

I have to be militant.

If the league implements a predetermined salary structure,

we're fucked.

- ♪ ♪ - (video game noises)

Hey, hey! What's up? How's it going?

- (chuckles) - Fucked.

The average NBA salary is $2.6 million.

Stanley, we are invaluable to our basketball clients,

because we determine what top dollar is.

If the league determines what top dollar is,

then we become a little less invaluable.

(plays harmonica)

Pretty damn good, huh?

Don't quit your day job.

Whoops! I forgot, you don't have one.

Oh, Arliss, I forgot.

You have a meeting with Derek Stinson in one hour.

- Derek, one hour. - Bye, bye.

- Where you going? - Early lunch.

Since when do you take lunch?

Since my work station turned into a PlayStation.

- (video game noises) - Arliss: Being consummate professionals,

My NBA stars continued to maintain a disciplined

and focused agenda.

Derek: Look, baby, if we had played on Friday night,

then I would have been able to remember

I was supposed to meet you on Saturday night.

But with this strike, I can't keep my schedule straight.

- Woman on phone: Mm-hmm. - So, honey, look,

Why don't we reschedule for Tuesday night,

but I need you to call me on Monday night

to remind me there's no game.

- Woman: Call you Monday night. Okay. - Okay, cool, bye.

No fucking way.

Because of the lock-out, you need to make some personnel cut backs.

For instance, can't you carry your own cell phone?

I don't just carry his cell phone,

I'm Director of Communications.

♪ You get gangsta... ♪

Hey, Arliss, you seen Kirby?

John, what's wrong?

That punk owes me $400 from foosball.

♪ Gangsta ♪

♪ Hey, homey, no doubt ♪

- Haven't seen him. - Ahh!

I'll kick his butt when I see him.

Arliss! Me and my crew, we go back.

We got history.

- History. - You need to take some action, Derek,

Or else the crew at the bank will decide that you're history.

Hey, man, I need staff, man!

He needs staff.

- ♪ ♪ - (clicks tongue)

- Kirby. - Shhhh!

You're a posse.

I am not a pussy. I'm looking for a contact lens.

Not "pussy," posse.

We need to keep Derek happy until this whole thing's over.

I pay you to do nothing.

Now, Derek's gonna pay you to do nothing.

No. Christ! No way that I am being...

John Starks!

Okay, okay, okay.

- (cell phone rings) - Jesus.

Yo. Casper.

My phone is ringing.

His phone's ringing.

Ugh!

♪ ♪

(gasps)

That's it! Time for a vacation.

Hana, Bali, I got to get the fuck out of here.

- You can't afford to. - Why not?

With all of these guys out of work, there's nothing for me to do here.

I mean you can't afford to.

♪ ♪

What?

I finished the corporate quarterlies.

How bad?

Our earnings have decreased 37 percent since the strike.

Lock-out. Lock-out!

This time of year basketball represents

- 64 percent of all commissions. - I know, I know.

Players aren't the only ones having a cash flow problem.

That's why I've been demanding cutbacks.

And I applaud your efforts to go

from four-ply to two-ply toilet paper,

but it would also help if you cut back.

Me?

Fly commercial airlines instead of taking the corporate jet.

Fly commercial? Do you know what that means?

That means walking through commercial airports!

No, let's find some other sources of revenue.

Exactly!

Other sources of revenue.

- Okay. - We were not exploiting our female client base.

That doesn't sound right.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're right.

We haven't been exploiting our female client base.

- ♪ ♪ - Arliss! What are you, crazy?

Me, be in "Playboy"?

Yes, you, Gabrielle Reece,

the spiking supermodel of the sand.

You better be talking about the "Playboy" interview.

They don't pay 150 grand for interviews.

Look what posing did for Katarina Witt.

It sold over 500,000 copies,

and I'll get you a percentage of every magazine sold.

Let me ask you something.

Would you ask one of your male clients

to do something like this?

Pose for "Playboy"?

Arliss, I am serious.

You wouldn't ask a man to do something like this,

because you take them seriously.

And you know what?

You're not taking me seriously.

But seriously...

(narrates) No one respects the plight

of the female professional athlete more than I.

♪ ♪

Oh! Excuse me, miss, do you work here? I...

Nice help.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's in my maybe pile.

Maybe pile? Maybe not!

- Give me back the shoe! - No!

You think I can't take you on? Not in this house!

- Get back. Get back. - Ladies.

Get back, Loretta.

Hey, I know that voice.

Section six, row double- "A," seat ten.

- What? - Terry Shaw.

Oh, my god, you're one of my favorite players.

Hey, when they need someone to knock down a tray,

you the man.

Back off.

This is hers.

Girl, you got game too.

That time you distracted Rebecca Lobo

and made her miss those free throw shots in overtime.

Both: Nice bricks, swizzle stick.

Hey, so what are you doing working retail?

Hey, I only make 25 grand a year.

Plus the league doesn't give us health insurance

in the off season, so I have to work here.

Oh, I thought Arliss was tight.

In women's pro basketball,

you really gotta love this game.

Hey, I do. Rita Wu, fan.

Terry Shaw, basketball player slash shoe clerk.

- (laughs) - (whispers) I'll give you my employee discount.

Oh, that's so sweet, thanks.

Terry, do you have an agent?

What?

Arliss, at least hear me out.

- No way. - Why not?

Too busy with your "sitting on their asses" striking NBA players?

They're not striking. They're locked-outing.

Terry Shaw makes $25,000 a year, tops.

You can get her 30.

30.

One percent commission, that's $1,200.

After overhead we clear... nothing!

Besides, I presented several female clients

with lucrative opportunities,

and they've each rudely turned me down.

I told you that "Playboy" idea of yours sucked.

Rita, the answer is no.

Arliss, remember how you wanted me

to renegotiate our medical premiums?

Look at this Sparkletts bill. Are we bathing in this stuff?

Well, as your thorough and conscientious assistant,

I make sure that all our premiums

are in line with our claims.

Well, long story short,

I got a list of all the procedures performed in 1998,

and one of them came back as an elective.

Ooh. Seems someone had a little cosmetic surgery.

Scrotoplasty is not cosmetic.

You had a ball lift.

I did not have a...

(whispers) I did not have a ball lift.

Testicular torsion is no joke.

Oh. Were they hanging too low?

They weren't hanging low.

They were... torqued!

Ohh.

It was painful.

I don't believe this is a proper workplace discussion.

No.

You better hope this doesn't become a workplace discussion!

Rita! Rita!

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

What were you saying?

(narrates) In a sports world full of testosterone and machismo,

I consider it a special honor whenever I add a sister

to the AMM family.

- Okay, now wait a minute. - Oh, okay.

You ready? 1, 2, 3.

Okay.

- (clicks) - (laughs)

Welcome aboard.

- Thank you, Mr. Michaels. - Arliss.

I scheduled our meeting with Grechen Schoobauer

- this afternoon at 3:00. - Who?

The GM. Negotiate Terry's deal.

Oh, I'm sorry, today's not a good day.

♪ Scroto, scroto ♪

♪ I love my scrotoplasty ♪

What time is the meeting?

3:00.

(blender whirring)

Okay, we got three pair of jeans here, we got four shirts,

and do not dry clean the jeans!

He hates crease in the jeans.

- All right? - ♪ ♪

And light starch on my shirts.

And light starch on the shirts!

Derek, what's going on here?

I'm getting ready for my party. That's what's going on.

- Party, what party? - My party. Oh, and by the way, man,

Nobody in the conference room after 4:00. It's booked.

(mutters) Oh, fuck you, James Naismith.

(phone rings)

(snaps fingers)

Oh!

(beeps)

Hello, Derek Stinson's life!

Terry Shaw is the spark.

When she comes off the bench, she jumpstarts that team.

She is the most valuable sixth person in the game,

and I demand a signing bonus of $3.5 thousand.

Who do I look like, Bill Gates?

That's way out of line.

- Okay, 2,000. - (baby cries)

Could you? I need to button up.

Arliss, our salary structure is set in stone.

Terry fits the criteria of a third-tier player,

which puts her at 25,000 a year.

This is communism.

Arliss, it's men who make up the rules.

We're still fighting for credibility.

People think we're a league of... alternative lifestyles.

Her own free mini-bar on the road.

We've got another meeting.

$1500.1500.

I'm not budging until I hear 1500.

(narrates) There are some sports that are easier than others to milk

when it comes to promotion.

Mmm. I don't know.

Sometimes I think I'm just doing it wrong.

You know that Randy Newman song, "Maybe I'm Doing It Wrong"?

I don't think it's possible to do a blow job wrong.

Yeah, but how are you supposed to, you know,

stroke, suck, and fondle all at the same time?

- All the time trying to prop yourself up. - Trying to breathe.

It's always better when they don't stare.

Well, one thing is for certain... moisture.

- Moisture is key. - Moisture?

- Mm-hmm. - Whose moisture?

Oh, yours. If your mouth is wet, they like that.

Then it's, you know, more vagina-like.

Of course, when it comes to blow jobs,

the bottom line, ladies, is

whether to spit it out or keep the change.

Very basic question.

- Mm-hmm. - Absolutely.

I forget. How... how did we get on this subject?

Health insurance, dental insurance.

That's right, teeth. We started off with teeth.

So, you didn't get dental insurance,

but at least Arliss got you a thousand-dollar bonus.

Well, then this is my treat, babe.

Arliss: Some find it hard to swallow, but women's time has come.

It was pure fate that our paths crossed,

pure fate, and that's why the number one draft choice,

Chamique Holdsclaw, belongs here at AMM.

Actually, I don't belong here right now. I belong at the dentist.

No, no, Rebecca Lobos, Lisa Lesley, Cheryl Miller... they're all clients here.

They bring in big money in endorsements. I love women's basketball.

In fact, I happily signed a new client today.

What's that on your jacket?

Baby puke. Don't worry, it'll come out.

Arliss, that's the four basic food groups.

That will never come out.

Look, why don't you mix with all the hundreds

of other basketball players I've got here.

Go ahead, have a good time. Mi casa es su casa.

Man: Hey, yeah, come on now! Ball out!

Five, six, seven, eight. Let's see what it says.

(flatly) I'm on the edge of my seat.

You'll get married to a woman named Shawana,

live in a French villa, and have lots of kids.

Well, thank you, Glen. That was... so close to insightful.

Why don't you go and visit Kirby and give him his fortune?

I already have. He's going to grow fat and old and live in his car.

Hey, Glen Rice, it's good to see you again.

What's that on your shoulder?

Baby puke.

Don't worry, it'll come out.

It's the four major food groups. It's not coming out.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Mother's milk and Armani.

Umm, are you Arliss Michaels?

I'm sorry. Do you have an appointment?

Oh, the two tall fellas at the desk said I could come in.

Great.

So, what can I do for you?

♪ ♪

My name is Bert Shaw.

I'm Terry Shaw's father.

The league said I could find Terry through you.

You don't have Terry's number?

Well... we had a falling out a while ago,

and me and my wife, we're not getting any younger.

Anyway, it's... it's time.

Well, I'd be happy to take your phone number,

but understand, if Terry doesn't want to see you,

I have to honor my client's wishes.

Tell Terry I'm...

I'm trying to understand,

tying to understand the choice,

but it's hard when your own flesh and blood

won't even talk to you.

So, the problem is...

a lifestyle choice.

(sighs) Well...

understand, Mr. Shaw, that this situation is not unique.

It is in Emmett, Kansas.

Well, as a parent sometimes you have

to accept your children the way they are.

Are you a parent Mr. Michaels?

No.

I'll tell you what.

Some day, if you have a son...

and he grows up... and on his 18th birthday...

he says he wants to cut off his dick and become a woman,

then come talk to me.

Until then, you keep

your goddamn enlightened opinions to yourself.

"Cut off his dick"?

If you see him... tell my son I'm ready to talk.

"Cut off his dick"?

No!

Yes!

God, Terry? You mean Terry was a... a Terry?

Oh, my god, that is so...

Disastrous!

Oh, nice recruiting, Rita.

Boy, you can really pick 'em.

You brought a mutant ninja time bomb into AMM!

No wonder she knew so much about moisture.

If this gets out, do you know how embarrassing it'll be for us?

I can't believe this,

but I guess technically now she is a woman.

I'm sorry. She is not a woman.

A scalpel does not a woman make.

You don't core an apple and suddenly call it an orange.

That's a bad metaphor.

Well, let me metaphor it for you this way.

Families go to the game.

Do you want your new women's league motto to be,

"Hey, ma! Hey, dad! The MBA had Magic Johnson!

We've got Magic No-Johnson!"

Oh, and by the way, there's another issue here.

Forget your friend, you know, we have other WNBA clients.

How is it gonna affect them?

So, what are you saying?

Oh no, it's what you're gonna say.

♪ ♪

- Terry. - Oh, hi! Come in, come in.

Just getting ready to leave.

We got Chicago tonight.

Oh, yeah, right.

Want something to drink?

No, thank you, I'm fine.

Okay.

A man claiming to be your father came by the office today.

Really?

Well, that's funny.

A man claiming to be my father

came by my apartment today.

Terry.

My father... has a big mouth.

If it weren't for the fact that he took a bus a thousand miles

to come and see me, I think I just...

When did all this happen?

I've been a woman all my life, Rita.

I just had to have surgery to make my outside

match my inside, that's all.

I want to let you know that this doesn't change the way that I feel about you.

I really care about you.

But, Terry, this changes the big picture.

What big picture?

You need to quit the league.

Forget it!

If this gets out...

- It won't get out. - Sure it will.

Somewhere out there is a blue dress with a stain on it.

Oh, please.

It'll be another strike against the credibility of the league.

Terry, you and I both know that half of America thinks

it's all gay to begin with.

Wait 'till they find out a transsexual's playing.

It won't get out!

Nothing gets by the media.

The fans can be really cruel.

All the booing, all the jokes.

The jokes?

You think the jokes can hurt me now?

Do you realize how many jokes

I was the punchline to growing up?

Well, maybe it won't hurt you, but it will hurt the league.

Terry, finally, people are realizing that women can play.

Play well.

But, Rita, I love this game.

(crying) Why are you being this way?

Because I love it too.

And if you really love it, you'll protect it.

Remove yourself from it.

Hey! It's her life.

Did you say, "Her life"?

That's right. I did.

You do what you think is right, Terry, I'm with you.

I guess it's back to retail then, huh?

Maybe not. There might be another option.

♪ ♪

Hear ye, hear ye!

The strike is over! The strike is over!

- Lock-out. - Whatever.

- What were the terms? - The players got clobbered.

Well, just be thankful it's over.

- Yeah, I guess. - Arliss!

- Derek. - I need to talk to you, man.

Derek! I got your dry cleaning,

I alphabetized all your CD's by title, not performer. I hope you don't mind.

The role of man servant seems to suit you.

Actually, Kirby, I got some bad news.

I got to let you go.

You said light starch.

It's not that, man.

Kirby, now that Derek's back playing basketball

and drawing a salary, he won't be needing your services.

No, no, no, no, no! Now that my salary is gonna be predetermined,

I don't need your services no more, Arliss.

What?

I've been re-evaluating the situation.

We've been re-evaluating the "sitiation."

I can save millions of dollars

by getting a lawyer to do my contract on an hourly basis.

- Millions. - Fuck that four-percent bullshit.

Fuck that four percent.

Nothing personal. Bye.

(snaps fingers) Adams!

(snaps fingers)

Vice President of Communications.

Arliss: All's well that ends well.

So, with the men back to work and the women's league flourishing,

professional basketball was one big happy family.

For me, the struggle of the female athlete in America

is like a great novel,

with characters constantly changing

from one thing to another.

And as with any great novel,

as one chapter closes, another unfolds.

Rita: Woo! All right!

Are you sure you're gonna be okay with this, Dad?

150 grand? Hell, I'd do it too!

(chuckles) Okay.

♪ ♪

That's my boy!

(laughs)

Woo!

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪