Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy,

but for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): As you grow older, you learn to prioritize...

(stomach growling)

Recognize what keeps the fire burning in your belly.

(elevator dings)

Learn what's important to let out.

Out of my way, hot soup, hot soup!

And what's important to hold in.

Man on a mission, man on a mission!

Yours is out of order.

No!

Five says he doesn't make it.

I don't wanna be around to find out.

- Make it ten. - You got it.

Arliss, you've got to get me a new team.

These asshole Chargers

don't believe a damn thing I say.

And I've tried every fucking thing,

the son-of-bitches!

You got to get me the fuck out of San Diego.

I want out of there now.

You're just going through a slump.

Bullshit, they've lost faith in me.

- Arliss, you gotta get me a new chaplain position. - (groans)

(stomach growling)

What's wrong, you... you alright?

My stomach's killing me.

I haven't been able to keep anything down all week.

That's how I felt with the Chargers.

Rita: Lunch is here!

Pastrami, corned beef,

coleslaw and Russian dressing.

Get that away from me.

Oh, how about you, Father?

It's from Rosenblatt's Deli.

You ordered from Rosenblatt's Deli?

Those thieves! The only deli in the world with a cover charge!

I love Rosenblatt's!

That's cause you're not paying for it!

(stomach growling)

Rita, call Dr. Irv, see if he can squeeze me in this afternoon.

Oh, well, it'll have to be before your keynote address

to the Women of Sports symposium.

Women of Sports, that's today?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, no, no, I can't do that.

I don't even know what the hell I'm gonna say!

Oh, I got a suitcase full of speeches.

That's okay, that's okay.

Two of you out there on that pitchers mound,

you and the good lord.

Now, get the hell out there and kick some ass.

Rita, Rita, you gotta get me out of this.

I will not, you're the keynote!

Plus if you can knock them dead,

you might sign some big-name, female athletes.

You don't understand Rita.

I'm sick, my stomach is killing me.

You think you're sick now, wait 'till you see this.

Not only did Kevin Brown sign for $105 million,

but check out this perk.

The Dodgers will charter a jet

to fly Brown's family round trip

from Macon, Georgia to Los Angeles

12 times a season.

Oh, boy.

- On the other hand, - he didn't get the free pony he asked for.

1001, 1002, 1003, 1004...

Arliss, it's Roger Clemons on the line.

I know, I know. I know.

Arliss (narrating): Physics tell us that for every action

- there is a equal and opposite reaction. - (stomach growls)

Hey, Rocket,

how's the Ace of the Diamond?

Arliss, did you hear the deal Kevin Brown got?

No, no, not a word.

Well, he's got a jet to fly himself

all over the country.

Oh, but he doesn't have an attendance clause like yours

that gives you one dollar for every paying fan,

15 cents for every Yankee frank sold,

and allows your kids to keep every beach ball

confiscated in the stands.

Fine, but I've won five Cy Youngs.

How many has he won? None!

- Rocket... - How come he gets a jet, and I don't?

It's a... it's a perk.

He's not a better pitcher.

Maybe he's got a better agent.

Rog...

No, no, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm on it...

Arliss (narrating): What one person does

will invariably have repercussions on another.

This is the time-honored principal

of cause and effect.

2002, 2003...

- 2004... - (phone rings)

Hello, Arliss.

How pleasant to hear from you.

What could you possibly be calling me about?

Arliss (narrating): So, how does one avoid suffering the consequences

of this chain reaction?

The key is, no matter what comes your way,

always stay focused.

♪ ♪

(crashing)

♪ ♪

(exclaims) Are you okay?

Oh...!

Absolutely, sure, you're alright?

I mean, you sure you don't wanna go see a doctor?

It's... it's on me.

Nonsense.

I'm bumped around more at K-Mart!

- Okay. Oh! - Here it is.

Thank you.

Just put those things down there.

You're so kind.

Would you like a cup of tea or Coke?

Oh, no, I'm... I'm fine, thank you.

Are you, uh, moving?

Oh, no, those are my husband's things.

He passed away in November.

I haven't decided what to do with them.

Oh, I... I'm sorry.

Oh, you would have liked Cecil.

He was a bad driver just like you.

I'm sure he was a very nice guy.

You look a little like him when he was a young man.

Strapping.

Strapping, huh?

Mm-hmm.

In fact, I have some clothes here,

and I was going to give them away.

No, really, that's... You know, I...

(stammering) Thank you, but I don't...

You know.

Is this a Hank Aaron rookie card?

Frank Robinson, Mickey Mantle.

How long you have you had these?

Oh, forever.

I've been meaning to get rid of them.

I hope I didn't give that sweater away.

I don't remember.

I get these senior moments.

Amelia, these are worth money.

That old junk?

I-I don't know how much.

But I can find out.

That would be great.

Social Security doesn't go far.

(squeals delightedly)

You like it?

Yes, yes.

It's for you.

Thank you.

Rocket, look, I spoke to George.

And unfortunately, he says it's company policy

not to allow use of the corporate jet.

But, are you ready for this?

He's willing to talk two-year contract extension.

Super, what about my jet?

Didn't you hear what I just said?

He's willing to talk contract extension.

That's $30 million dollars.

I don't care about the extension.

Kevin Brown's got a jet, I want a jet.

Those are just perks.

We're talking serious money here.

Listen, it's a matter of principal.

Call me later with the good news.

- Wait, wait, wait. - (line disconnects)

So, Arliss, how we doing?

Oh, outside of the fact that I can't keep any food down,

that I have a client that won't fly commercial,

that Rosenblatt's Deli just charged me an arm and a leg,

and that I have no idea what I'm gonna say

to 200 fem-jocks this afternoon, I'm fine.

Your hemoglobin count is low.

Insurance covers that, right?

Which means?

Well, it means you're losing blood.

Now, if you were a woman I wouldn't worry about it

because it's normal in the menstrual cycle.

But for the male, it's a bit more suspicious.

So, I'm gonna schedule you

for a lower GI today at 5:00.

- Today? - Absolutely.

I wanna know what we're dealing with.

Irv, I can't do it today.

Oh, I want you to take two of these.

They're Dulcolax tablets to prepare you for the colonoscopy.

- For the what?! - Oh, they may cause you a little gas.

But nothing too bad.

Colonoscopy?

Arliss, you have something in your colon.

I wanna take a look at it.

Wait a minute,

what exactly are we talking about here?

Like I said, ordinarily I wouldn't be worried.

But given your family history,

let's just get it taken care of...

Arliss (narrating): There are certain words

that bring everything into focus.

Audit, world champions,

family history...

Cancer.

Arliss, please,

this could be something very minor.

But it's better to know what we're dealing with now

rather than later.

♪ ♪

Arliss, let's not jump to any conclusions.

(bells chiming)

Is this more of what you had in mind?

You don't think it's too...

An imposing monument,

befitting someone of your stature.

And how monumental is the price?

Well, Mr. Michaels, if I may be so bold,

you're a very successful man.

(bell rings)

And, well, you can't take it with you.

True, true.

(bell rings)

What would you like it to read?

Something simple.

In marble with gold lettering.

Inspiring choice.

Now, could I interest you in an eternal flame?

(bell rings)

An eternal flame.

We offer two packages.

Our economy eternal flame,

which goes out every day promptly at 5:00 pm.

Or our deluxe eternal flame

which burns 24/7.

That one is, of course, an upgrade in price,

- (phone rings) - but well worth it, I think, given the fact that...

Excuse me.

- Yes. - Arliss, your speech, they're calling for you,

From the symposium!

Where the hell are you?

Right. I'm on my way.

Now, which eternal flame did you select?

(bell rings)

(applause)

Remember, it's important,

when we make a mistake in life

and then we pay the price for that mistake,

that we be given a second chance.

And it's also important that when we make the most...

Where the hell have you been?

Sorry, I just...

Okay, okay, I'm gonna bring you up.

(stomach growling)

After all, we are all sisters.

(applause)

- Thank you very much, Tonya Harding. - Thank you.

Now for our annual meeting,

we thought it was very important

- to select a guest speaker - (stomach growling)

That had style, wit, and charm.

But unfortunately, that person wasn't available.

(laughter)

(loud farting)

So, instead, with us today,

super agent Arliss Michaels.

(applause)

Thank you very much, Cheryl Miller.

(farting)

You really have come along way.

But haven't we all?

We've worked so hard,

experienced so much.

And now it's all so...

(farting)

Ahem...

(coughing)

And where do we go from here?

Away...

Am I going to go to a higher realm?

Or am I just gonna lay in some cold, dark,

over-priced vault with some butane flame

that no one's ever gonna come visit...

- (farting) - (groans)

♪ ♪

In conclusion,

I'd like to say something my father once said...

(loud farting)

Somebody needs to do something.

Don't look at me.

- (loud farting) - Woman: Oh!

- Thank you. - (farts)

♪ ♪

- What's this all about? - Give me that.

Hank Aaron, $1,500, Mickey Mantle, $23,000?

It doesn't concern you, give it to me.

I will not, until you tell me what it's all about.

You know, I happen to be helping a very sweet old lady

make ends meet, thank you.

What sweet old lady?

Alright.

(stammering)

I'm driving my Hum-Vee down the street

and suddenly,

this blue 4x4 runs a red light,

swerves into my lane

and in order not to run over

the infant and pregnant mother,

I brushed against

a little old lady's grocery cart.

You hit an old lady?!

She's fine.

You hit an old lady with your Hum-Vee and she's fine?

Don't worry about it, she's alright.

Besides, I didn't hit her,

I hit the cart,

which technically is stolen property.

And, so what,

you're gonna give her Harmon Killebrew as a gift?

You know, you try to do something nice,

and all you get is cynicism!

♪ ♪

What do you think you're doing?

So, how'd it go?

Hey, Arliss, I got the perfect team for me.

The Cardinals.

Father, let me ask you a question.

Do you believe in a better place?

A better place?

Yeah, better place.

With the angels?

The angels?

Roger is very pissed.

He's coming over here today at five o'clock.

Well, I can't make it today at 5:00, I got an appointment.

Change it, we're talking Roger Clemons here.

I can't change it.

What could possibly be more important than Roger Clemons?

♪ ♪

Father, would you excuse us, please?

Certainly. The Angels, they're owned by Disney.

Stanley, shut the door.

(phone rings)

♪ ♪

Hello.

Amelia, Kirby Carlisle.

Who?

Kirby Carlisle, the guy that knocked you...

The strapping guy that you gave the sweater to.

Uh, yes, I've been following up on those baseball cards.

Those what?

I think I found somebody to buy them.

Oh, oh, yes.

Are they worth a dime?

Yes, they are.

A big fat $10,000.

Oh, my, I've gotta sit down.

Somebody offered $10,000?!

Sell before he sobers up.

You're right, I should come by with some cash and pick up the cards.

$10,000 in cash?

You know, in transactions like these,

you don't wanna leave a paper trail.

I mean, this could effect your Social Security.

Well, I can't thank you enough for this.

Kirby, you should take a little something for yourself.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Just think of me as a good Samaritan.

I'll be over shortly.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Yes, yes!

Oh, man, oh, man! (gasps)

You're ripping off a little old lady?!

It's not a rip-off.

She's making $10,000 tax free.

But the cards are worth five times that much.

Oh, you know, well, they...

(clattering)

They weren't worth anything until I found them.

They were just sitting there.

I'm doing her a favor.

I'm a... I'm a philanthro...

What?!

Philan...

- Huh? - What's the word?

Asshole.

(chuckling)

Philanderer!

♪ ♪

Anyway, I'm telling you this because I trust you.

I don't want any of the others knowing about this.

They're gonna be devastated.

Well, it's just a colonoscopy.

My cousin Sidney had one of those.

He did? How'd it go?

It's not the most comfortable thing.

They take a six foot tube, and shove it up your ass,

then they take a fiber-optic camera

and take pictures.

Yeah, my cousin said, "Well, I guess we won't be

seeing those on the internet, will we?"

(laughing)

(both laughing)

So, what happened, he was fine, right?

He died.

He died?!

Stop worrying about what happened to Sidney,

he had cancer for God's sake!

That's not what's gonna happen to you.

He's not Arliss Michaels.

♪ ♪

What do you mean?

What do you mean "what do you mean"?

He's not the man.

He's not indestructible.

He's not Arliss Michaels, super agent.

Superman!

That's right.

He's not Arliss Michaels.

You are Arliss Michaels.

That's right, I'm Arliss Michaels.

You are Arliss-fucking-Michaels.

- I'm Arliss-fucking-Michaels. - Who's Arliss?

I'm Arliss fucking Michaels!

- You're Arliss... - I am Arliss fucking Michaels!

- So, what are you worried about? - What the hell am I worried about?

You know why?

Together: Because, I'm Arliss-fucking-Michaels!

Yeah.

(pats shoulder)

So, stop worrying.

You're gonna be fine.

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Hey, Stanley.

Thanks a lot.

For what?

For being a good friend.

Hey, that's what I'm here for.

Arliss (narrating): In times of crisis,

it's important to have a loyal friend

you can turn to.

Roger, Stanley Babson calling.

Arliss wanted me to call and tell you

that he can't make it tonight.

But, why don't you and I get together for dinner?

Just the two of us...

Arliss (narrating): Someone you can count on.

Someone you can trust.

What do you mean you've had another offer?

A nice baseball museum curator

offered me $10,500 for them.

But you can't do that.

We had a deal.

We did? Oh, dear.

I don't know what to do.

♪ ♪

Alright, um, alright.

Because we go way back,

and because I don't wanna see them

take advantage of you,

I'm gonna give you $11,000.

$11,500.

Oh, here she is. Kirby, this is the museum curator.

Tara Yamaguchi, from the Getty.

Oh.

Well, excuse us.

May I talk to you outside?

Actually, I'd rather wait.

Hello, Miss Yama-full-of-shitty, what the hell are you doing here?

I'm helping a sweet old lady

make ends meet, just like you.

You stay out of this.

Why, it's a free market!

No, you beat it or I'm gonna...

What? What are you gonna do, call the cops?

(groans) Stay!

We've discussed the situation, Amelia,

and we've agreed that I will give you $12,000.

- $12,500. - $13,000.

- $13,500. - $14,000.

Excuse us for just one second.

This is doing us no good.

- Let's say we split it. - Split it?!

Why should we split it?

You didn't hit her with your car.

You know what? I'm gonna hit her with the truth.

I am disgusted by this.

Okay, okay, okay.

- (gasps) - (exhales deeply)

We split it.

50/50.

Oh, God, but I'm keeping Harmon Killebrew for myself.

Hi...! Amelia...!

Just talking, that's what we were doing.

♪ ♪

What's that?

Demerol and versed.

(motor whirring)

Both: Mm-hmm.

(whirring)

Make it a double.

(panting)

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

You're doing great, Mr. Michaels,

just a few more feet to go.

Breathe, breathe. Calm.

What do you mean they're fake?

I mean they're not authentic.

They're bogus, phonies.

Everything?

That's right, not even a good knock-off.

Hold on,

how do we know you're not lying to us?

Yeah, how do we know you're not trying to pull something?

Because I don't think Ty Cobb

spells his name like this!

♪ ♪

You know, this stuff looks like the same crap

some sucker brought in here about a year ago.

Bought it off an old lady

who claims her dead husband left it to her.

♪ ♪

(grunting)

Amelia... Ahhh!

Shit, shit, this is all your fault!!

- All my fault?! - Stupid scam of yours cost me $7,000!

Hey, you're the one who drove the price up!

Maybe we should call the police.

Oh, yeah, and what, tell them we got ripped off

by a lady we were trying to rip off?!

(both screaming)

♪ ♪

The doctor will be calling you later this evening

with your test results, Mr. Michaels.

Thanks.

Here you go, sir.

♪ ♪

How's it going?

(sighs)

♪ ♪

Hi ho silver!

What the Lone Ranger says.

(applause)

Play solitaire.

Card game. Things you do by yourself.

(applause)

Ivy.

Things that are poison.

A negligee.

Things that are flimsy. Things that are see-through.

Ivy.

Things that cling.

(applause)

You were on "The $20,000 Pyramid"?

Yeah.

That's what gave me the start-up money

for AMM.

Division. Dividing things.

Yes!

(applause and cheers)

I told you, I told you!

Arliss (on TV): Didn't I tell you?

Is that your mom?

Yeah.

The day this aired, she, um, died of cancer.

I'm sorry.

Dick Clark: There is nothing nicer than a proud mama.

I certainly am.

So, is there any word on the...?

I'm expecting a call.

Ah, you'll be fine.

They didn't say anything

to lead you to believe otherwise,

did they?

You know, Stanley,

if you can't take it with you,

why do we spend so much time trying to get it?

♪ ♪

You know, the only thing that has any real value in life

is time.

You can't buy it, you can't get it back.

You know, don't waste it.

Nothing else matters.

Arliss, what the hell?

I've been trying to get ahold of you for two hours now on your cell phone!

Rocket, how's the king of the cage?

I'd be doin' a lot better if I had my jet right about now.

Look, Rog, I really can't talk about this right now.

No, I wanna talk about it right now.

- Please, not now. - No, now!

Not now!

I don't have the time.

You don't have time? You don't have time?!

Listen, you selfish motherfucker...

What'd you say?

He's joking.

I called you a selfish motherfucker.

You and all of you over-hyped, over-priced,

- over-worth it, arrogant, - Oh! Oh!

Self centered, greedy fucking babies!

(laughs nervously) Great sense of humor there!

I want this, I want that!

Do you know how lucky you are?!

You're playing baseball, for God's sake!

What the hell would you be doing otherwise?

"He got a jet, I gotta get a jet!"

For the kind of money they're paying you,

why don't you go out and buy the fucking jet?!

I know how this joke ends.

I'll tell you how it ends.

Oh, what? What are you gonna do, kill me?

No, you're fired.

Promises, promises.

Roger, Roger! Do you know what you just did?

You just lost the greatest pitcher in baseball!

What are you, fucking nuts?!

(phone rings)

♪ ♪

Should I leave?

No, it's okay.

(phone continues ringing)

Arliss Michaels.

Hi, Irv.

No, it's okay, it's okay.

Where is it?

The lymph nodes too?

That's okay.

I appreciate your call.

Bye.

(hangs up phone)

I got an ulcer!

You got an ulcer?

I got an ulcer, I'm gonna live!

You're gonna live.

You know why?! Because I'm Arliss-fucking-Michaels!

I'm Arliss-fucking-Michaels, I'm Arliss-fucking-Michaels!

I'm gonna live!

Arliss...

Holy shit, Clemens!

♪ ♪

Roger,

I've been up all night looking for you!

Get away from me.

(laughing) I got you on that one.

I got you! You fell for it!

- Get away from me. - Look, you wanted perks?

I got you a perk no one else has got.

Your own personal priest.

Remember, there's two of you out there on the mound!

You and the good lord!

You gotta be shitting me.

Hey, and the inside part of the plate,

that is yours.

Arliss (narrating): Certain things in life

are beyond our control.

- It was a joke! - Some thing just aren't in the cards.

I didn't know Frank Robinson played for

the Millennium Falcons.

Well, why don't you keep that one for your museum.

Oh, why don't you bite me?

Arliss (narrating): You'll never get burned

if you trust the people

who in times of crisis, remain stationary.

♪ ♪

Time is precious.

Once it's gone, it's gone.

Remember, you can't put a price on eternity.

(bells chiming)

(bells stop, birds chirping)

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪