Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

- ♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪ - (no dialogue)

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Daddy ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- Yeah! All right! - (cheers)

What a party, huh?

Dewayne looks happy

and at least half his kids are here.

Oh, god it's appalling.

The man should have a spigot implanted

in his penis to shut it off.

Oh, a biological feat.

One man can father enough different color children to

Start his own line of UNICEF Christmas cards.

Excuse me,

but Dewayne Troy has never missed a child support payment.

Oh, and another thing.

He happens to be a good father.

Oh, no, he is not.

The man scatters his sperm like grass seed and then he

pays other people to mow his lawn.

Ten thousand per child, per month.

That's on average.

Oh, and where does this good father have his birthday party?

Hm, a nice homey corporate office.

What's the matter with this place?

It swings.

Hi, it's your old buddy Kirbozo. Huh?

Kirbozo: I got something for you guys.

It's Elmo. Oh, you like Elmo.

Will you quit stabbing me? You little vermin!

Hey, Rita.

Dewayne.

Yo, baby, I just wanted to thank you

for the best birthday party I've ever had.

Arliss, do you realize how lucky you are

to have this woman working for you?

Are you kidding?

I'm the first one to admit it.

Rita, she's my air traffic controller,

without her, I would just crash.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

(indistinct shouts)

No, no!

Arliss,

I'd like to talk to you about something.

Sure, what about?

Oh, no. Not this conversation.

- No way. Cake! - Oh. Arliss, wait.

Arliss, I have been your assistant for seven years.

I want and deserve a promotion.

I want to become an associate agent.

Oh, Rita you don't want to become an agent.

It's a dirty, stinking job.

- And another thing... - No, I know exactly what this job entails.

Okay, fine.

As part of your training program,

you'll serve as my assistant for the next three years.

Cake?

What? Arliss!

If there's anyone who knows what the job of being an agent is,

it's me. There's nothing you do that I haven't done.

- Good, are you done? - No.

Megan Griff.

That swing is perfect enough to cut diamonds.

You fucking dickhead.

You are the world's sorriest excuse for a caddy.

I told you yesterday I wanted you to re-grip these clubs.

When are you gonna get a fucking grip?

Excuse me, honey,

while you were practicing I took our daughter to ballet class.

Oh, was she an adorable swan?

Was she just precious?

Yeah, I took videos.

Wait until you see.

She's our little Pavlova, isn't she?

She sure is. Here you go.

Asshole, these are ninety compression balls.

I want eighty.

You play better with ninety compression balls.

Yeah, well, I ought to compress your balls.

Look, Megan, I know you called me,

but maybe right now is not the right time.

No this is a perfect time, Arliss.

You are obviously too busy dealing with more important

clients even though I am

the number one player on this tour.

I'm not getting enough attention from AMM.

So if you don't change, I'm gonna change.

Megan, we at AMM are constantly looking out for you.

In fact, that's why I brought along Rita Wu.

Your secretary?

My new associate agent.

Really?

In fact, Megan, as far as I'm concerned,

you are Rita's number one and only client.

Great!

- Oh, you'll have to come visit me at my new office. - Yeah.

Office, what office?

Arliss: When my employees show initiative,

they are rewarded

with promotions and accoutrements befitting their stature.

People please note the new Xerox hours are posted on the door.

Remember, you agreed no increase in salary.

Until my first review in three months.

- Nine. Eight. - Five. Six.

Deal.

(knocking)

Excuse me, I just need to make a copy.

Fine.

Oh, and remember to invoice Dewayne Troy

for that birthday party we gave him.

Oh, don't tell me, tell your new assistant.

Ha!

What new assistant?

You Mr. Michaels?

Arliss, Fitz. Fitz, Arliss.

Okay.

So, um, would you like me to go over your morning tomorrow, sir?

- That's all right. - Okay, at 9:30, you got a pedicure.

At 10:15, Dr. Fortenberry's coming over

- to burn the warts off your... - I said that's all right!

Fitz, "that's all right" means no, unless he's rubbing

the back of his neck, in which case it means yes.

Right.

Why did we hire Sling Blade?

You tell him.

You hired him.

He's Kirby's cousin.

You hired Kirby's cousin to be my new assistant?

Thank you, Agent Wu.

Thank you very much, Agent Wu.

You're welcome.

(phone ringing)

Agent Wu's office.

No, the Xerox hours are between one and two!

So, Fitz,

when you walk out of the house in the morning

and people look at you, what's the first thing they see?

My hair?

A Carlisle.

Right. You see, and they're not just seeing Fitz,

they're seeing Fitz Carlisle,

you know, walking tall, doing the right thing.

Yeah.

So when you fuck up here,

you don't just embarrass Fitz,

You embarrass Uncle Chet and Aunt Dit and Grandpa

and his new friend. Right?

Right.

Yeah. (clicks tongue)

Hey, Kirb.

So when he says, "that's all right",

Am I supposed to like rub his neck?

They want ten thousand dollars more a month.

That is bullshit, Arliss!

Well, Dewayne, who's fault is that?

Look, I'm already spending close to half

my income on child support.

Roughly one million eighty thousand dollars a year.

Not including court costs and paternity suits.

Excuse my, Stanley, you left your original behind

and I wanted to say hi to you Dewayne.

Oh.

Fathering enough out of wedlock children to

start your own basketball team

in this day and age is reprehensible.

Oh, Stanley, Dewayne is a good father.

He pays all his child support and instructs us to send them

all Christmas and birthday presents.

You love children, don't you Dewayne?

Oh, each and every one of 'em.

You know, much of the blame has to be put on these

gold digging groupies who basically hunt these

poor athletes down and get pregnant for the money.

These guys are set up.

Yeah, yeah, what she just said.

Stanley, these are our clients and we have to stand by them.

Isn't that right, Arliss?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me.

Oh, excellent motherfucking agent!

Oh.

You stupid bastard.

I said the seven,

no one chips with a five iron.

Are you de-fucking-mented?

Were you weaned on lead paint?

Darling, there's no reason to raise your voice.

You're hopeless, hopeless!

Totally hopeless!

All right, I refuse to be spoken to this way!

I am not some lackey,

I am not your whipping boy.

I am a professional

and your husband!

Goddamnit.

Rita,

what am I gonna do about him? He's a complete moron out here.

It's a difficult challenge

when a couple has to work and live together twenty-four hours a day.

Oh, I can't have it. I cannot have this.

I'm getting rid of him.

Rid of him?

- Divorced? Ha, rather lose a caddy than a husband. - Divorced?

I want you to fire the fuck.

She wants to fire me?

I know this must be very difficult for you

and perhaps I could suggest some sort of counseling.

Counseling? Are you kidding? (laughs)

This is the best news I've had

since they took Charles Grodin off the air.

What I want to know is who are you gonna find to caddy for her?

Oh, well, that's where I think you underestimate me.

(laughing)

Caddy for Megan Griff?

I'd rather have an ice pick shoved up my ass.

Ooh, ah. Caddy for Megan Griff,

slam my own balls in a car door.

Close.

I'll lug water through a Kuwait mine field

before I'll carry Megan Griff's bag on a golf course.

Here's what you got to be to caddy for Megan Griff.

You gotta not only like to eat shit,

you gotta want to go back for seconds.

- No fucking way. - No.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Your cousin's driving me nuts.

The man is incapable of putting a stamp on a simple envelope.

The postal system seems to have him completely baffled.

Come on, he's a late bloomer.

He still lives with his parents.

Are you telling me you're giving up the opportunity

to caddy for the leading money winner on the tour?

Hello?

Ahh!

Fitz!

That does it.

- I'm gonna tell Arliss to fire him right now! - No.

Oh, goddamn.

Kirby,

how would you like to make sure that cousin Fitz stays here?

How?

I'll show him the ropes if you show my client the line.

What line?

I only play with green tees.

I want my bag stocked with one box of band aids,

two cherry Chapsticks,

six spare gloves,

and a sport top Evian.

And never begin a sentence with the words, I think,

As in, "I think it's 150 yards."

Any questions?

The, um, band aids, cloth or plastic?

Cloth, dickhead.

Another thing I only want odd numbered balls

on even numbered holes: one, three, five, etcetera.

No, you know, I think you got the wrong number.

Uh-huh.

We represent athletes here, not endorsements.

All right.

Detergent?

No, I think that says urgent.

From who?

Uh... it was a woman.

What woman? What woman?

My realtor, my masseuse, what woman?

No, Kate.

Kate who?

Kate Moss, Kate Winslet. Quesadilla?

No, Kate S.

Kate's, there's two of them?

No there's an "s" in the front.

Skates, skates. Skates.

(phone ringing)

Yeah, hello, Arliss Michaels' house... office.

Uh... let me ask.

Anybody know a Pete Sampras?

I don't think he works here.

Okay, great the itinerary's set.

Okay, fuel up the jet, check the weather across the pond.

I want wheels up at seven p.m.

Haha! Skates, here I come.

Um, excuse me.

How did you get in?

Fitz, Fitz!

Uh, the young man told me to go on in.

Great.

You're Dewayne Troy's agent?

I'm sorry, I can't talk now.

Well, Dewayne hasn't returned any of my phone calls

and I was just wondering if you could get in touch with him?

I'm sorry, if you want any tickets or an autograph,

we just don't have any.

Uh... Uh... No, um, I have a problem.

Rita: This is Agent Wu's office, not the mail room!

(hangs up phone)

So, Jim Edmonds, my angel of the outfield.

Oh, I just want you to know that this office is temporary

until they finish remodeling my corner suite.

Rita, it's not the suite that makes the woman,

it's the woman that makes the suite.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Okay, so where were we?

Athlete's foot.

Yes, the Dr. Scholl deal.

- (knocking) - Rita,

Hey, Jimmy Edmonds, how's my angel of the outfield?

All right.

Look, Rita, an emergency sports marketing meeting

just came up and I got to leave town for a few days.

Well, I'll pass it on to Fitz.

Yeah, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind walking with me?

Jim, I'll be right back, okay?

Good seeing you, Jim.

Angel of the outfield, that's a good one, huh?

Rita, it seems your buddy Dewayne Troy has planted yet

another seed in his garden that needs to be weeded.

Take care of it.

Take care of it?

He can't afford another kid.

So?

So you know what that means.

Release, forms, blood tests, etcetera, etcetera.

Etcetera.

- Oh, I can do it. - You sure?

Yeah, I can do it.

Okay.

The key is make sure she makes a quick decision.

You don't want them thinking about these things too long.

Bye, bye.

Another save.

Dominick Hasek,

how's The Godfather of goalies?

Skol!

Hm, what a coincidence running into The Dominator here in Munich.

With the NHL season over, I thought you'd be back

in your homeland bouncing Czechs.

(laughing) Bouncing Czechs.

Bread?

Oh, thanks.

Hey, Dominick.

Hi, Katarina.

(speaking German)

Good.

Hey, Arliss.

Katarina Witt, how's the first lady of figure eights?

Fine.

What brings you here?

In town for a skating show.

But I need to use the pay phone now.

Um, you know, I gotta make a call too.

I'll go with you.

I'll be right back.

But wait, I just ordered two more beers.

Don't move. Just keep 'em coming.

I'll be right back.

Hi, how you been?

Another save.

(chuckles) I'm so good.

I never been to Munich this time of year before.

It's charming, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely beautiful.

What the hell kept you?

It took me forever to get here.

But now I'm here.

Yes, you are.

Arliss: Skates.

No, you won't need a lawyer.

Now, I'll go over these details once more.

You sign a release,

AMM will write out a check to you for 80 thousand dollars.

We can talk about the payments later.

Now, we take care of all the arrangements

for the procedure.

The clinic, doctor bill.

We'll pay for two nights accommodation in a very nice

hotel and reimburse you for your plane ticket.

Oh, I took a bus.

I'll make an appointment

at the clinic for late tomorrow afternoon.

That should give you enough time to think about it.

I don't want to have a procedure.

Look, you're young.

Take the 80 thousand dollars and start a new life with it.

If Dewayne breaks his leg tomorrow,

you won't be able to collect the ten thousand a month anyway.

What ten thousand a month?

Dewayne doesn't give a rat's ass about you or your baby,

otherwise you'd be hearing from him.

Well, I know he's real busy.

Oh, real busy taking a different woman to bed every night.

He's probably with another woman right now.

Heather?

(singing on T.V.)

Oh.

What I want to know is how do you stay

so beautiful year after year?

I guess it's all the time I spend on the ice.

It preserves me.

Ah.

You haven't even asked about Mr. You know who.

Mr. You know who?

You brought him.

It's your turn to sleep with him for a year.

You bet.

I'll miss him,

but I know when he sleeps with you, you'll think of me.

(monkey squealing)

That's true but what will make you think of me?

That is not a problem.

Katarina, if I was your agent...

That would be a problem.

It would spoil everything.

Why?

More Deutsche marks,

more schtooping.

Wouldn't you like to have more than just five percent of me?

You make a hell of an argument.

(phone ringing)

This better be an emergency.

Arliss, I was just wanting to know when you're coming back.

I told you the day after tomorrow.

Rita: Oh, right.

I was just wondering, um...

if you could handle the Dewayne Troy problem?

Why?

I'm not too sure if I really want to go there.

Rita, you wanted to be an agent.

Going there is what agents do,

It was your choice. Take care of it.

Right, of course.

Right.

Okay.

(sighs) Now, where were we?

I just had an idea.

And... (speaking German)

Let's drag the mattress onto the balcony and sleep outside.

There's a full moon tonight.

I got a better idea.

Why don't we leave the mattress right here

and work on that triple axle.

Yes.

(monkey squealing)

Arliss, where are you?

(glass shatters)

I'll have a cheeseburger, well done.

Coleslaw, fries and coffee please.

Okay.

Um, I'm not very hungry.

Oh, wait.

I'm taking you out to lunch, you know you picked this place.

You're paying?

Um, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich on white bread.

Not fancy white bread.

Just plain, flat real white bread,

with a sliced pickle inside

and a side of mashed potatoes with gravy please.

And, um, coffee.

Sure thing.

Um, so where did you meet Dewayne?

Oh, um, well he was playing in Indianapolis

and I drove in with a girlfriend of mine

and we knew what hotel he was staying in

so we just waited up in the lobby for him.

So were you planning on sleeping

with any player you could get?

No!

See, one other time he had come to town

and he winked at me during halftime

and signed my poster

but he doesn't remember.

So, Heather, have you made your decision?

(sighs)

Yeah.

I think that you're doing the right thing.

You know, you can take this money,

go to school, get on a career track.

Yep.

(indistinct announcements on P.A.)

Heather?

No.

Um, I'm Heather.

(crowd groans)

You brainless prick.

You hit it fat.

Fat?

That ball was perfectly struck.

You gave me the wrong yardage, you ass wipe.

Hey, nobody calls me an ass wipe except for Arliss and my mom.

Yeah, well, now there are three.

Hey, you know what, fuck you!

You abusive foul mouthed bitch!

Hey, buddy.

That's my wife you're talking to.

Yeah, well your nuts must be in pieces

'cause she's a ball breaker.

Do you hear what he called me?

That's all right, baby, some people just have no class.

Yeah, eat me.

Come on honey bear, let's get you out of that trap.

The way that ball's sitting, you can putt it out.

Putt it out?

God, what did you take this morning,

vitamins or dumb-fuck pills?

Sewage?

Uh, no.

Stewart, Martha Stewart?

No.

I don't think it's in English.

Fitz, what the fuck does this note say?

Well, it's not sewage.

It's the name of somebody who called, right?

Uh-huh.

I know it says, "fire me".

No.

Wait, wait, wait, where's Mr. You know who?

Mr. Who?

Not Mr. Who, Mr. You know who.

What are you talking about?

I had him here ten minutes ago.

He was right here.

Oh, you mean that doll?

Yeah.

(laughs) I took care of it.

What do you mean you took care of it?

Well...

Good morning, Agent Wu.

Don't ever call me that again.

Look at it! Look at it!

Look what you did, you idiot!

You're a moron, you're an imbecile! You're a...

- Carlisle! - Damn straight.

Idiot, that's not a compliment.

Oh, I thought it was.

Arliss,

can I talk to you please?

Rita, sure.

Sure. Go, I'll be right...

What's his problem?

You want a piece of me? Get over here.

I smell an asshole.

Stanley: why don't you do us all a favor,

Kill him and then kill yourself.

(arguing continues)

- (door shuts) - (arguing stops)

Rita, I need to talk to you.

No, I have something to tell you.

No, no, no, before you say anything,

let me just say how proud I am of what you have accomplished.

Yeah, really, really proud.

But the fact is different people

are suited best for different jobs,

I mean I can get anybody to be with clients,

any vermin off the street.

Yeah, Arliss, about being an agent.

You can't be an agent!

I mean you are an agent and you're doing one hell of a job,

but I need you with me, by my side, at your desk.

Anyway, I was wondering if you would consider

taking back your old job.

My old job?

Before you say no, let me say this.

It would be increased responsibilities,

which of course would translate to an increase in salary.

I'm looking maybe twenty percent raise.

Twenty percent?

Okay, I'll double it.

You'll double my salary?

Why not? Why not?

You've earned it. You deserve it.

Well, um, I don't know what to say.

Well, say yes, say yes.

I need you...

A lot.

Are we closed?

I want an increased expense account.

What?

And three weeks vacation. Paid.

Three weeks, no way!

And I think the company should lease me a car.

Okay, okay, I try to be a nice guy,

but enough is enough.

- The fact is there is no way in hell I'm ever gonna... - (crashing noises)

Fitz: I think the computer's on fire.

Whatever you want, you got it, okay?

Just are we closed?

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels, management.

One moment, please.

And another thing, I want more benefits.

Dental number five, 401k plan, I think that's a good idea.

Stock options.

We haven't begun to talk about my new wardrobe allowance.

My name is Rita Wu.

I work for Arliss Michaels.

This is my story.

Rita: I think it's high time that you and I

talked about profit sharing.

Arliss: Profit sharing!

Rita: Don't you think it's a good idea for the whole office?

Arliss: No.

Rita: Aren't you happy to have me back?

Arliss: No.

♪ ♪