Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy,

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Kirby: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to

the AMM/Children Now charity fashion show.

- Our theme today is dress to play resort wear. - (applause)

Oh, can you feel those tropical breezes?

Let's go, work with me, work with me people!

Hey Rita, I'm ready for the fashion show.

Cobi, Jones.

Wait a minute, don't tell me.

You were expecting Kobe Bryant?

Oh! No, no, I was expecting you.

I'm thrilled to have the star

of the World Cup soccer team.

And, umm, here is your outfit.

You know, I was the first Cobi in LA

- and my hair's a lot better too. - Yes, it is.

Oh, I say, old chap, tally ho, nice knees!

Stanley Babson's body is adorned with linen shorts

and camp shirt by Dolce and Gabbana.

And pit helmet courtesy of the Bermuda Police Department.

I need a wipe, the hem is down...

No, no, no, not you.

Here comes Barbie and fucking Ken.

Rita, I've wicked butterflies.

Well, open your mouth and let them fly out, fly out!

Sweetheart, help me with my necklace, quickly.

I'd rather help you take it off.

Oh, maybe later.

Let's go, let's go! Go, go, go, go!

(giggles)

(sighs)

Here is all-star shortstop Joe Lansing

- along with his very lovely wife, Erika. - (cheers and applause)

He wears an off white linen suit by Zegna.

And she wears a strapless silk day dress

designed by Robert Turturice.

And now before we continue,

I want to introduce the person who made

all of this happen,

who this year tirelessly and thanklessly

worked to help pull this fashion show off...

- Arliss: Excuse me. - (applause)

Kirby: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Mr. Arliss Michaels.

(cheers and applause)

Arliss (narrating): People often ask me, "Arliss,

what makes a great ballplayer?"

I tell them behind every great athlete,

there's a great athlete's spouse.

Great, good show, good show.

Okay, listen up, people, listen. Listen up!

Okay, now, men, give your clothes to Kirby Carlisle,

women, give your clothes to me...

So, you know, when there's a long road trip,

you get kind of lonely

just blow a whistle and, (blows whistle) I'll come by.

You come by,

and I'll have to blow a rape whistle.

You know, the glacier on her left hand

is called a wedding ring.

Yeah, like I don't know that.

Carlisle, you are t-h-e man, great show!

Great show, man.

Arliss, you owe me, big time.

I want a vacation, I'm going to Ojai.

Oh, you're crazy, you just had a vacation.

Suzie, you were great.

Didn't I just send you to Hawaii?

To work the Aloha Bowl.

I had to take the red-eye on Christmas Eve.

Great fares... Thank you.

Arliss!

Hey, hey.

Joe, Erika, you two were magnifique!

Oh, gosh, I was so nervous.

Did you hear my knees knobbing?

- Nonsense, you looked fabulous. - (laughs)

You could make a living as a runway model.

Couldn't she, Joe?

Hey, Kate Moss eat your heart out.

(laughs)

Listen sweetie, could you get a ride home with Nikki?

I'll meet you home later. Me and Arliss, gotta have a little business chat.

Sure, sure, just don't take too long.

I ordered your favorite meal.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Bye, take care.

Bye-bye, Erika. Good to see you again.

Joseph, you are one lucky hombre.

You get to go home to that every night.

Yeah, well, I'm not going home tonight.

What are you talking about?

I'm leaving Erika.

You're what? Leaving Erika?

Listen, we've been together since high school,

since high school.

I just... I need my freedom.

Joe, I've been with you guys on the road.

Lack of freedom is not an issue.

Exactly, exactly.

See, I want to be able to fool around

without feeling like I'm cheating.

Joe, I think you're crazy.

I mean, are you sure about this?

I mean, isn't there anything I can do to help?

Actually, there is.

I want you to tell her for me.

You want me to tell your wife

that you want a separation?

No way, you're out of your mind.

You're good with words.

No, I'm not gonna do this.

Arliss!

This is the hardest thing

that I've ever had to do in my entire life.

Let her down easy, huh?

Arliss (narrating): When I sign an athlete,

I'm not only taking him under my wing,

(doorbell rings)

I'm making a personal commitment

to his wife and family as well.

Arliss.

Where's Joe?

(Erika crying)

I can't believe him.

I'm in total shock.

How could he do this to me?

Erika, I'm really sorry.

And he can't even tell me himself?

He sends his fucking agent.

Oh, I'm sorry.

(sobs)

Please don't take that personally.

No, no, it's okay, it's okay.

It's someone else, right?

You can tell me, I can take it.

I don't know.

Would you tell me if you did?

Erika, you know ball players.

You know, this might be a phase.

You know, some kind of 24-hour flu that goes through his system.

He'll be back.

No, no.

I know Joe, it's over.

(exhales deeply)

Has anyone ever left you, Arliss?

Sure, all the time.

Mike Piazza left just last week.

I meant someone that you loved.

You know?

Someone that you really loved with all of your heart.

Piazza and I were pretty close.

No, you would never do that to someone.

You're a grown-up.

You're mature and responsible.

Perhaps I should go.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for coming by.

I know this wasn't a picnic for you either.

You gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah.

(screaming)

(objects clattering, glass smashing)

You motherfuckin'...

baseball fucking dick head!

- (screams) - Watch it! No, no, no, Erika!

It's okay, it's okay.

- No, no, no, no. - It's okay, it's okay.

No, no, no, no.

(crying)

No, I don't think...

Arliss (narrating): When I sign an athlete,

I'm not only taking him under my wing,

I'm making a personal commitment

to his wife and family as well.

So exactly how do I service a client's wife?

(passionate moaning)

Sometimes it's as simple

as remembering her birthday and sending flowers.

Whatever the gesture,

I try to become familiar with her inner life,

- Erika: Faster! Faster! - Her secrets, her desires.

Discovering parts of her

perhaps her husband doesn't even know.

If she opens herself up to me,

I'm almost all the way home.

Erika: Oh, God!

I didn't take the suit!

Ms. Wu, it was your responsibility

to make sure all the Zegna suits

were returned to our store.

It was not my responsibility. It was his!

- Where is it? - Where's what?

The $2,000 linen silk Ermemgildo Zegna white suit.

Size 41-long... Your size!

Oh, yeah, linen and silk, that's me!

You're barking up the wrong mannequin.

Well, that's fine.

But if you do not find that suit by noon Monday,

I expect to be reimbursed in full.

And that's $2,000.

You know, I don't generally take things that aren't mine, pooch!

It seems like last night

- you were making off with someone's wife. - Kirby: What?!

Oh, Arliss, did you get a chance to talk to Erika last night?

Erika who?

Erika Lansing.

The white Zegna suit is gone, missing.

You know ballplayers, they take everything.

I saw what you did.

- It's harmless flirting, tell him. - Harmless?

Hitting on a client's wife is career suicide!

It sends a message to all the other clients

that this agency can't be trusted.

Don't you have a brain in your head?

You're jeopardizing all of our jobs.

Right, Arliss?

Is that my phone?

You think I'm stupid enough to fuck a client's wife?

Arliss!

Joe. What are you doing here?

I want to know how it went last night with Erika.

Last night? With... with Erika?

When you told her I was leaving.

Well, how'd she take it?

Hard.

Actually, she took it pretty hard.

(groans)

Of course, she would.

Oh, man, I feel bad.

You tried to comfort her, right?

Oh, yeah.

I can honestly say by the time I left,

she was feeling much better.

I knew I picked the right man for the job.

Ah, I'll tell you, that's a load off my mind.

I was really afraid

that she was gonna try something stupid.

(both laughing)

Umm, Joe, look,

I need you to sign some of those pictures before you go.

That's Shaquille O'Neal.

Yeah, right, right, right.

(stammering)

Erika, look, I know last night was magical

and you want to see me again and again,

but you can't just drop in here like this.

Arliss, Arliss, Arliss.

I'm here to see Rita for the fashion show wrap-up.

Well, why don't you meet her in the conference room?

I'll send her right in, okay?

I'll get her in a second.

Hey, Arliss.

Hey, listen.

Joe, Joe, Joe, keep your voice down.

Rita's sleeping, it's siesta Tuesday.

- Rita! - Joe, I didn't know you were coming too.

- I'm supposed to meet your... - Boss, you're here to see your boss.

We gotta go over some Christmas card stuff.

It's, um, it's that time of year.

Joe, I can't thank you enough for coming by.

- Oh, no, no, no. - Always a pleasure!

Don't worry. You can always ask me for anything.

- No, I gotta ask... - Hey, get away from me!

Cause you the man, you the man, you the man!

Hey, it's a brand new Rick Majerus.

This new diet has got you thin as a rail.

How are your players gonna know you

when they look down the bench?

You're right, let's go get some grub.

Excellent, oh, hey!

Nice car.

Yeah, where's Arliss?

I thought he was gonna go with us.

Uh, I can't find him.

I mean, I don't know where the hell he is.

Let's take my Humvee.

You're right.

- That way we've got room for dessert. - Yeah.

Arliss (narrating): My relationship with a client and his spouse

is so intimate

that I feel free to drop by anytime.

(doorbell ringing)

I involve the wives as much as I can,

but always keep an eye out for the husbands.

Because of this trust,

I feel I know my way around my clients' homes.

Erika!

Arliss.

I need to tell you something.

Arliss?!

Rita?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to see you and to tell all of you

that the fashion show was a resounding success.

$32,000.

Exactly, $32,000.

However, that Zegna suit is still missing

and if we want to make this an annual event,

we've got to have a clean track record

so that suit must be recovered.

Okay. Okay!

Well, that's all I had to say.

- Bye. - I'll walk you out.

Great. We need to talk.

Later.

You have a very odd boss.

No shit.

I can't believe that Joe would do this to Erika.

Never trust a player who considers not getting

his own hotel suite on the road, a deal-breaker.

I thought they were perfect together.

Honestly, I don't know how you women

put up with all the cheating that goes on.

I mean, aren't they all batting a thousand

with their dicks on the road?

Um...

Not all, some of them, a few.

These cucumber sandwiches, they're so good.

Arliss (narrating): Caring for a client or a wife

is no different from caring for a dear friend.

Knowing when to be there for them,

knowing when to leave them alone.

Meow!

Oh, my God, Arliss!

You're still here?

- Wives gone? - Yeah, they're gone.

Look Erika, I came by to tell you face to face

that last night was truly wonderful,

but it can't continue.

I agree, oh, I agree 200%.

I mean, if this ever got out, I could lose all my clients.

No, I understand, don't worry.

We're still friends, right?

Oh, of course, of course.

We're gonna be friends.

I mean, you didn't tell any of the other wives, did you?

Tell them, about us?

No, of course not.

(laughing)

Great, great, great, great.

Well, let me help you clean up?

I don't think I've ever heard a man

say those words before.

Well, what are friends for?

(glass breaking)

(laughing softly)

You can put that down right here.

I just... Whoa, whoa.

(music plays)

Great song, great song.

Mel Carter with an "m".

Mel Carter, 1965, before your time,

unfortunately not before my time.

That would be Joe's state-of-the-art sound system.

- Come dance with me. - Oh, no.

I look stupid dancing alone.

Joe doesn't like to dance.

I never dance.

Joe's not your friend.

♪ Thrill me, thrill me ♪

♪ Walk me down the lane where shadows will be ♪

♪ Will be, will be ♪

♪ Will be... ♪

You dance very well.

Thank you.

And where did you learn?

From my mother.

Ooh, and she taught you how to lead.

It comes in handy being an agent.

(Erika laughs)

♪ They told me ♪

♪ Be sensible with your new love ♪

♪ Don't be fooled ♪

♪ Thinking this is the last you'll find ♪

♪ But they never stood in the dark with you, love ♪

♪ When you take me in your arms ♪

♪ And drive me slowly out of my mind ♪

♪ Kiss me, kiss me ♪

♪ And when you do I know that you will miss me ♪

♪ Miss me, miss me, miss me ♪

♪ If we ever say I do, so kiss me... ♪

Arliss (narrating): Sometimes my clients lean on their spouses.

Sometimes the spouses lean on me.

Why?

They know I won't get emotional,

that my feet are always firmly on the ground.

♪ Kiss me ♪

- (loud passionate moaning) - ♪ Kiss me, kiss me ♪

♪ And when you do I know that you will miss me ♪

I used to chew on my hair when it was long

and then I cut it all off.

Now I have nothing left to chew on.

(chuckles)

Arliss, I've made a decision.

I can't go on like this anymore.

I was feeling a little guilty about it myself.

No, what I mean is, I want a divorce.

A divorce?

Yeah.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah, I'm sure.

And I wanted to ask you one little favor.

What favor?

She wants a divorce!

I'm afraid so.

And she couldn't bother to tell me herself?

She had to send you!

Women. (chuckles nervously) Can't live with them...

Fine, she wants a divorce,

she can have her goddamn divorce.

Look, start the paperwork, huh?

(snickering)

You and I are going to fuck her royally.

I'm with you all the way, buddy.

What is that?

What? Is that a hickey?

A hickey? Come on! How old am I?

No, it's, um, it's a birthmark from my uh, great aunt's side of the family.

Go take a shower, man, go take a shower.

Be with you in a second, man.

Oh, no, look at that.

I got a hickey the size of Rhode Island.

I look like goddamn Gorbachev!

You won't believe it!

- Rita! - (glass breaks)

Promise you won't tell anyone,

because I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone.

You can trust me, what?

Erika's found another man!

Another man? Really?

Oh, it's probably a ballplayer.

Oh, no, no.

She didn't tell me his name,

but she did say he's the complete opposite

of a professional athlete.

Meaning he's intelligent, sensitive?

No, that he's old and out of shape.

But she did say that he was smart,

sophisticated and a great lover.

Erika gave him a hickey!

Really?

Erika gave who a hickey?

Uh-huh.

Uh, Stanley, do you mind?

Great, now Stanley knows.

Soon it's gonna be on the internet. (snorts)

Arliss (narrating): Sadly, clients' marriages do sometimes fail.

On those occasions,

I aggressively protect the interests of my athletes.

- I want the house. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Giving Mrs. Lansing the house

is absolutely out of the question.

May I suggest a sale of the property

with the profits equally divided?

My client helped design that house,

Mr. Orenstein.

What? A .320 lifetime batting average built that house!

She just decorated it.

How dare you!

I came up with you through the minors.

I lived with you in a leaky trailer

when you played in Cedar Rapids!

I deserve that house.

No, I'll tell you exactly what you deserve.

Joe, Joe, give her the house.

- Take the high road, take the high road. - What?!

I'll make you enough money as a free agent,

you can buy a fucking castle.

- Okay. - Great, house is hers.

(coughs)

You just gave her a $3 million dollar house!

- It's okay. - But I want the stereo.

That's a $70,000 Krell sound system.

Besides she never listens to music, anyway.

That's not true, she loves music.

Particularly music she can dance to.

You never danced with me.

You never asked.

But they're my components.

Joe, Joe, it's a stereo.

Come on.

It's a stereo, take the high road.

Buddy, the stereo's fine.

Come on, pick your battles.

What battles are left?

You know, Arliss,

if this were World War II, we'd be France.

Moving on to temporary spousal support.

Yes, Mr. Bordy, your client's request

for $50,000 a month is a bit excessive.

She has become used to a certain lifestyle.

Look, I make the money.

So if you're not in my life,

you don't get the lifestyle.

Yes, I do, because I want it.

So I'm taking it,

and there's nothing you can do about it!

Oh, is that right? I'll tell you exactly what I'm gonna do about it.

- Joe, Joe, Joe. Try to control yourself. - Fuck! Me?

Don't worry about the money, pal, give it to her.

We're fine with 50k a month.

What, no, wait, I'm not!

High road, buddy, high road.

We'll take the high...

Um, look I think that we've accomplished

everything to everyone's satisfaction. Sure, sure.

So are we fine with everything now?

Meeting adjourned.

Huh?

Excuse me.

(groans)

Come on, come on.

Are you out of your mind?

I beg your pardon.

Fucking a client's wife!

You are risking this entire business

for a sexual fling?

You have got to stop thinking with your Johnson, man!

Leave my Johnson out of this.

Stanley, I've developed real feelings for this woman.

And what are your feelings about bankruptcy?

Because that's what's gonna happen

if any of our other clients find out.

Maybe if they find out now. But what about later?

I mean, what if we lie low for six months, you know?

Wait for the divorce to come through.

I mean, then if we start dating, who's gonna care?

Oh, Joe?

Maybe not. I mean Eric Clapton married George Harrison's ex-wife

- and they're still good friends. - And look how that turned out.

The Beatles never got back together.

I don't think that was the reason.

You have got to stop this!

Why?

She wants it and I want it.

You know what you need?

You need a vacation.

A vacation?

Somewhere tropical.

Somewhere by a pool with a cool drink in your hand,

lots of babes.

I mean maybe you'll get a little.

I mean, trust me, it helps.

Me on vacation?

You should go today.

So, the other Beatles didn't mind?

Mm-mm. They all signed off on it.

Which is why, if we're careful,

I really think we can make this work.

Oh.

Oh, wow, I don't even know what to say.

Oh.

(phone rings)

No, no, no.

Arliss Michaels!

Hey, it's Joe.

Oh. Listen, listen. About today...

Yeah, yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I could not believe Erika.

Well, she's got a right to be upset.

No, no, no, no. I mean she was so strong, so assertive.

It was an Erika I've never seen before.

It was an Erika I want to see a lot more of.

More of?

Listen, Arliss, I want you to stop the divorce.

Uh, I don't think that's a good idea.

I still love my wife.

Right now,

I don't know if she feels the same way.

No, see, I think she does.

And that's why...

I want to ask you a favor.

(breathing heavily)

Right. Later.

(muffled) Mmm. Anybody I know?

Actually, it was Joe.

What did he want?

You're not gonna believe this but

he seems to think that if he asks you,

you'll want him back.

Joe wants me back?

Arliss (narrating): A good agent knows when to pull out.

Invariably, honesty pays off.

This is my spa money, my vacation money.

You know, I'd love to find the player that stole this.

I'd kill him.

That's a beautiful suit.

Oh, thank you, it's a Zegna.

By the way,

someone over there would like to buy you a drink.

Oh, well...

Thank you, ladies.

So, when you get back from the road trip,

we'll get into that Creatine endorsement thing.

Sounds cool, thanks...

For everything.

Hey, honey.

♪ Hold me, hold me ♪

Well, it's, uh, great to see you two kids back together again.

Thank you, Arliss.

I'll never forget what you did for me.

Joe: Hey, we gotta go.

We're going dancing.

♪ Thrill me ♪

Dancing...

Have a great time.

Bye.

♪ Will be, will be ♪

♪ Hiding others just the same as... ♪

Arliss (narrating): I've learned when the wives are happy,

their husbands are happy.

And when they're both happy, so am I.

Hello, Arliss.

Oh, hi Suzie. Hey, your hubby hit another home run.

He's having one hell of a year.

Yeah, on the field, maybe.

I'm sorry?

Um, I was talking to Erika today.

Could you do me a favor?

What kind of favor?

Our marriage is in trouble.

Could you do for me what you did for her?

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me ♪

♪ And when you do, I know that you will miss me ♪

♪ Miss me, miss me, miss me ♪

♪ If we ever say I do, so kiss me ♪

♪ Kiss me ♪

♪ Make me tell you I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, ♪

♪ When you do I know that you will miss me ♪

♪ Miss me, miss me, miss me ♪

♪ If we ever say I do, so kiss me ♪

♪ Kiss me ♪

♪ Make me tell you I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Never, never, never let me go ♪

♪ Thrill me ♪

♪ Never, never, never let me go ♪

♪ ♪