Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

(bell dings)

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

- ♪ ♪ - (splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is ♪

♪ That makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something ♪

♪ Oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: In this era of million dollar contracts,

you must have specialists.

At AMM, it's Stanley Babson,

a man who helps me put out fires.

♪ ♪

Stanley, Stanley,

what the hell are you thinking?

Treasury bills?

What is sexy about my clients

investing in treasury bills?

I'm not saying buy all T-bills.

I'm saying that the clients who invest

in Pro-Priorities should diversify.

This bull market isn't gonna last forever.

Look, as usual you're being too goddamn conservative.

Now I got a game plan here,

and I don't want you talking me out of it

the way you've talked me out of other investments.

Name one investment that I put

the kibosh on that cost you money.

Viagra.

Oh, name another.

Where's Rita? Rita!

Got a little surprise planned for your birthday.

My birthday was last week.

Took me a while to figure out what to get you.

Be ready at noon.

Rita!

Where the hell is Rita?

Rita! Is she still working here?

Rita!

I say we preserve the Monterey wetlands.

Monterey wetlands?

You mean like a swamp?

I think that's too far away.

I think our cause should be geographically desirable

to Southern California.

We're talking Monterey.

What could be more desirable?

And it's better than saving

some fucking field mouse in Lancaster.

We need some big names.

Rita, I thought you said

you could get some sports celebrities.

- Women: Yeah. - I can.

(arguing)

When Curt Schilling gets here...

Ah!

(coughing)

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

(whispers) Rita, do you know what time it is?

Oh, it's, umm, 9:07.

No, it's Arliss time.

I need this room. Say goodbye

to the hemp-wearing muffin-eaters here, okay?

- We're almost done. - No, you are done.

Meeting adjourned!

(narrates) The torch bearer of AMM, Stanley,

allows us room to breathe.

(coughing)

I smell smoke.

Who's smoking in here?

(narrates) His business acumen allows my clients

to have their cake and eat it too.

Last year, Pro-Priority's total rate of return was 21%.

Pro-Priority is the perfect hedge

against inflation for Curt Schilling,

- wizard of whiffs. - Two things:

One, I don't understand shit about any of this,

and "B," Jeremy Brenner only charges 2% commission.

Well, that's true but that's because the only service

Jeremy Brenner provides is validated parking.

He doesn't employ a full-time

investment specialist like we do here.

And, Curt, let me tell you something, come here.

I got my own money in this deal,

so you can be sure I'm gonna be staying

at home, watching the store.

Now the minimum investment to join Pro-Priority

is one million dollars.

Which had you invested last year would show a profit

of over $200,000.

Now, if we were brokers,

you'd have had to pay 50,000 of that to us in fees.

But here at AMM, free fees!

I like that concept.

You will have to sign a fiduciary power of attorney.

Whoa, wait a minute. Power of attorney!

Guys that sign power of attorney

end up fucking crying on "60 Minutes."

"60 Minutes" isn't near the show it used to be.

You ought to check out "Charlie Rose."

That's where you learn the good stuff.

Curt, you are too busy with games and long road trips

to sit down and sign checks

or for us to have to track you down

just for a signature to... move funds.

Especially if I gotta track you down

somewhere where you're not supposed to be.

(both laugh)

Look, Stanley and I are very prudent in our investments.

I'm a big believer in prudent.

You know what? I'll trust you guys to do the right thing.

Arliss: Of course, we're gonna do the right thing.

You think I'm gonna piss your money away?

What can I invest in anyway?

I always wanted to own like a sports bar or Viagra.

Oh, you can be sure along with the prudent investments,

I've got my eye on a few sexy ones.

♪ ♪

Man: O-67.

The Last Valley Retirement Home,

73% occupied.

It's lovely, it's serene,

and it's a sound investment, Arliss.

Looks like a nice place for the elderly

to spend their golden years, doesn't it?

Sure does.

Too bad it's sitting right where the 18th green's gonna be.

- (sighs) - (chuckles) What?

As soon as I line up two more investors,

Pro-Priority will begin turning "Cocoon" here

from the Last Valley Retirement Village

into the Last Valley Golf Experience!

- Ha, ha! - You're gonna take a money-making

Piece of property and turn it into a golf course?

No, no, no. Not a golf course, a country club

with custom-made homes lining the fairway.

Two by two by two by two by two.

Well, if it's real estate you're interested in,

there is a lovely little strip mall in West Covina

that is just... Oh, it's gonna be a gold mine.

I don't want a strip mall! I want my golf course!

But you're sacrificing a profitable asset

for a speculative venture.

Right, look, I need $200,000 to open escrow.

Cut the check from Curt Schilling's contribution.

No, no, no, that is a non-refundable deposit.

Right, cut the check.

Arliss, there are risks here.

I am telling you that this is a safe investment.

There are always gonna be old people.

Which word don't you understand?

(emphatically) Cut the fucking check!

(mimics whoosh) Ha!

(narrates) Investments are like any trend.

It's all a matter of timing.

When a window of financial opportunity opens,

- you've got to be there. - (bell rings)

Stanley: Why did Arliss even call me down there?

He never listens to what I have to say.

You'll get used to it.

I graduated from Wharton with honors,

worked on Wall Street for five years.

And I've got some flesh-peddling college dropout...

(man speaks indistinctly on P.A.)

telling me how I should invest a client's money.

Man, you are in serious need of a Johnny Walker I.V.

You know a trip to the racetrack seems

more like a surprise for your birthday.

Don't be stupid. My birthday isn't until November.

Hey, Kirby.

Hey, hey, Ray.

Now this is a man who knows how to invest money.

Ray Doyle. Stanley Babson.

- Stanley. - Ray.

Ray knows the ponies.

It used to be his career.

Oh, you were a jockey.

No, fullback for the Rams.

Hey, you put on a few pounds.

Yeah, I don't have to throw up anymore. (laughs)

Ray used to be one of the top riders in the '80s.

Best sandbagger going.

He knew how to hold a horse back

while making him look like he was running full out.

I won more money losing

- than most jockeys do winning. - (cap clatters)

Oh. How inspirational.

Are you gonna let this Arliss thing ruin your whole day?

Get the stick out of your ass and have some fun.

♪ ♪

You got your ticket. Move on, cowboy.

- Man: Alright, alright. - (bell rings)

You want to see fun?

Give me $5 on...

I'll show you fun. Step aside.

I want to place two dollars on...

Fleet Denise.

Hey, your girlfriend's a big spender.

Isn't she?

♪ ♪

Nobody likes a winner who sulks...

Barkeep, another round.

Unless he's buying. (clicks tongue)

Little aid, please.

I'm gonna make it all back on the feature.

I really like this Blue Chip Property.

Blue Chip Property, is he in today?

I like that horse. He's a good bet.

(whispers) Oh, my god. That's Bob Baffert.

He trained Silver Charm and Real Quiet.

He won the last two Kentucky Derbies.

So, Bob, y... you like Blue Chip Property?

I've been watching him. He could change somebody's life this afternoon.

- How so? - Well, he's in a feature race today

Which is a $100,000 claiming race.

Put up a hundred grand.

When the gate comes open, you own him.

If he finishes last, you still own him?

If he breaks a leg you still own him.

Look, guys, I'd still be mucking stalls today

if I didn't take risks in life.

Thanks for the beer, guys.

Yeah.

Where you going?

Checking out some property.

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Hi, Rita, it's Curt Schilling.

(on phone) Is Arliss or Stanley in?

I want to find out if I'm rich yet.

Oh, Arliss is in a meeting, and Stanley's out but, Curt,

since I have you here,

I was wondering, how would you like

to speak to our west side political awareness group?

Sure, I... I guess.

Okay, great. How's Wednesday, noon?

Wednesday's bad.

I'm hosting a fundraiser for Lou Gehrig's disease.

How's Thursday?

Can't. I'm addressing the Audubon Society.

- Sunday? - No way.

Sunday's the first day of duck hunting season, and I ain't missing that.

- Later. - (line clicks)

(mutters) Fuck.

Announcer on P.A.: At number four in the claim race,

- ♪ ♪ - Blue Chip Property.

Kirby: Oh, man, he's beautiful.

I'm buying it.

What?

Dude, you're lit.

The house is out of the barn.

You don't have that kind of bank!

That's a $100,000 horse.

Arliss says I need to invest

the client's money more aggression.

That property comes recommended by Bob Baffert.

It's like Bill Gates telling you to invest

in Microsoft, back in '82.

Right, Kirby?

Since you put it that way.

Ha!

But you gotta remember you're buying a racehorse, not a puppy.

- You got to have a trainer. - I don't care. I don't care.

Pro-Priority is gonna own... own a racehorse.

Yee-haa!

♪ ♪

Well, if there's one man to be the architect

of the Last Valley Experience, it's Jim Colbert.

- Arliss, how are you? - Pretty good, you check out the plans?

I've been looking at it, Arliss. I see some real problems.

What kind of problems?

Arliss, you got 12 doglegs to the left.

Yeah, yeah. That's our signature.

Bullshit, Arliss. They all go out 230 yards

and then they go dead left

for that weak left-handed slice of yours.

Well, it's not that weak.

And also, your luxury home?

That's where the clubhouse should be.

No, no, no, that's the highest spot on the course.

Exactly. Traditionally, that's where the clubhouse goes.

You want tradition, go play Augusta.

You got a slice or a duck hook,

you play the Last Valley Experience.

Arliss, it's your track.

It's my track.

- (bell rings) - Announcer on P.A.: the clubhouse turn

Is Alexander the Great, followed by Furry Murray,

Crazy for Gina, I Got Charisma,

Dancin' Dan, and Blue Chip Property.

- Both: Go! Go! - Crazy for Gina pulling up on Furry Murray...

Go to the whip!

Announcer: followed by I Got Charisma, Dancin' Dan, Tess' Best.

And at the wire, it's Alexander the Great,

Furry Murray, Crazy for Gina,

and Blue Chip Property bringing up the rear.

Oh, man.

That is one slow horse.

♪ ♪

Congratulations, you just bought a cow.

I'm glad I'm not you.

Oh.

Arliss: Look, no one knows the worth of Eric Young more than me,

but, Eric, you just signed a four-year deal.

I can't renegotiate until the All-Star break, okay?

- Okay. - I'll see you later.

Hello, Eric.

Hello, Rita Wu. What's up?

Well, I was wondering,

what's your stand on doctor-assisted suicide?

Why, have you seen the Dodgers play lately?

I'm a part of a west side political action group,

and we're looking for a celebrity spokesman

to take on a cause... as soon as we find one.

Well, Rita, the only suicide I'm interested in is the suicide squeeze.

What about animals?

Mmm! Love them. They're delicious.

- Hey, how you doing, Eric? - Hey, Kirby.

- Uck! - See you later, Rita.

Well, what about the... the desert ficus?

- (elevator dings) - (sighs)

If I were you, instead of trying to save

the endangered stump whuzzlers of the world,

I'd be interested in trying to save my job!

Wait, I...

Never pitch an AMM client

for one of your personal goals, ever!

- Do you understand? - No, I was just...

Am I speaking in tongues today?

(emphatically) Do you understand?

Yes.

Merci beaucoup.

♪ ♪

(Stanley moans)

Stanley, are... are you feeling alright?

Feel great.

Feel fine. Super.

How else should I be feeling?

Jesus Christ! Ah!

Don't eyeball me.

♪ ♪

Hmm.

Announcer on TV: Coming down to the final furlong,

it's Cherie's Secret, followed by Busta Move, and My Sister Lisa.

Busta Move not catching Cherie's Secret.

Cherie's Secret in first place

followed by Busta Move, My Sister Lisa,

and Born Even Steven, Johnny Come Lately,

Get On This Bus, and I think that's Blue Chip Property,

way, way back there.

♪ ♪

Arliss: Forthright and upstanding,

Stanley Babson knows the meaning of checks and balances.

In an unstable financial climate,

his investments stand tall.

(chuckles) Oh, yes.

Arliss: Stanley's knack of picking winners

beats all others to the punch.

By my definition, that's security.

Announcer: And they're off! Jeremy's Day is

out fast followed by Rockin' Rosie,

Hair And Make-up, Baker's Pride,

Elyse Lightening, Play Christie For Me,

and Freddie's Birthday.

And it looks like Blue Chip Property's

finally got things straightened out.

Arliss: Oh, there's no groping around for answers

when you've got Stanley Babson in charge of fiduciary matters.

Look at all these expenses.

You tell Tattoo over there,

the next time he tears up a hotel room,

it's coming out of his winnings.

Winnings. (laughs)

(both moaning)

Hey, come on. He's the only jockey willing to ride a galloping glue factory.

(laughs) Good news!

I got good news! (spanks)

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Look, Eric Young just bought into Pro-Priority.

One more investor, we start firing up the bulldozers!

Great! That's... that's great.

Listen, start checking into when the lease is up on wheezer world.

I gotta start evicting these tenants A.S.A.P.

Say, listen, I got a great idea.

Why don't we have a celebrity pro-am for the inaugural?

(snaps fingers) Good idea.

Well, that's a ways off.

Don't we have to grow grass first?

No, no, think sod. Baby, think sod.

- What the heck is going on with... - Oh, nothing.

Arliss: What's going on...

- (door closes) - (moaning)

What's going on in there? Who are those people?

Oh, just friends of his from Wharton.

- Oh. Wharton? - Yeah.

Oh, I've gotta come clean.

I've gotta tell Arliss what I've done.

Maybe not.

I know a way we can get your money back.

Please, no more tips.

You know for a guy with a college degree,

you know nothing about the outside world.

Hey, Stiller and Meara, hit the trail.

(door closes)

Your horse is insured, right?

Yes.

Let's just say, God forbid,

something were to happen to the horse.

You're insane.

I know a guy. Let's just say

he's good with animals.

You want me to employ... a horse whacker?

Stan. Shh!

Yeah, umm, please leave!

Stan, you don't have a money maker here.

Cut your losses.

♪ ♪

Come on, what's the harm of just talking with the guy?

(laughs)

No. (chuckling)

(dramatic music plays)

Stanley: Uhh... (clears throat)

(whispers) Ray sent me.

Mm-hmm.

Stanley: So, umm...

how are you gonna...

do it?

Shh. This is my favorite part.

I'm gonna unhitch the trailer on the freeway.

(normal voice) God, no, that's awful!

Man: Shh! Quiet, please.

(whispers) How else?

Give him a non-steroidal blood thinner.

I mask it from toxicology with licorice.

Is it humane?

I'm not Dr. Kevorkian.

♪ ♪

Oh, god.

Um, I've gotta sleep on this.

Do you have a card?

Not on me.

Ray knows where to reach me.

♪ ♪

I swear, Troy, you're our first choice.

Shit!

I mean, take care.

Umm, morning, Stanley.

Blue Chip Property.

With the Blue Chip Property.

(clatters)

♪ Bop, ba, da, da, da ♪

Hi there, everybody,

this is Arliss "We're Now In The Golf Business" Michaels.

Pete Sampras has wired his million dollars into Pro-Priority,

and we have enough down for the Last Valley Experience.

Arliss, I think something's wrong with Stanley.

(whispers) I think he has a substance abuse problem.

Oh, please, Rita, not now.

You're blowing my high.

I'm in a harmonic state.

Get that Baker Harrison on the phone.

♪ Bob, ba, da, da, da ♪

That's right. I need a check

payable to the Last Valley Real Estate Holdings

for $2.8 million.

I need the full amount cleared by the end of today.

I'm sorry, Arliss, but I show that account

to have only 2,657,000 available for withdrawal.

What? That's a mistake.

AMM deposited $3 million over the last month.

We cut one check for 200,000.

Now by my math, that's still 2.8 million.

Baker on phone: That's correct, Arliss,

but there have been other checks written to that account.

What other checks?

♪ ♪

When you have an intervention,

don't you normally have more people?

If I were to invite Kirby,

he'd probably say that you didn't have

a substance-abuse problem.

(chuckles) A substance- abuse problem.

It's okay.

Stan, I know about these things.

I chaired the Crack Down On Crack Walkathon in '93.

Rita, I do not have a substance abuse problem.

(sighs) Denial.

Clockwork.

What the hell is Blue Chip Property?

Oh good, Arliss, you can help. I'm having an intervention.

Uh, Blue Chip Property?

Yeah.

It's a special asset. Didn't I tell you about that?

- No, you didn't. - You know, I need something to drink.

(whispers) See? Drink.

Hey. Whoa. Ah!

What's up with these checks?

Feed, veterinarian, a trainer?

Did you buy a ranch?

A ranch? Oh, that's good.

This particular asset is a little more speculative.

Steeper risk-reward curve stuff,

which is exactly what you wanted, if I'm not mistaken!

Oh, shit. I've got a massage.

Keep talking.

It's a... it's a racehorse.

I... I'm sorry. I thought you said, "Racehorse."

I told him not the buy it. I swear to God.

I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen to me!

I know what you're thinking,

but the truth is racehorses can be tremendous earners.

Silver Charm last year earned three million,

and that was on $80,000, and that's...

That's high-yield!

How much has this horse earned?

Well, to date?

- Nothing. - (shouts) Nothing? Nothing?

Nothing? Nothing?

Don't you have a fucking massage to go to?

Actually, yes, I do.

- I think I'll tag along. - I think you'll make a right!

(mutters)

You, Stanley, you!

Kirby, I expect it of, but you?

I was only following your advice.

You told me to invest in high-risk venture, so I did!

Sell the horse!

It's a little more involved than that.

Plus, there is some debt involved.

Do you have any idea what you did?

Do you know what you've done?

Using power of attorney to buy a racehorse!

Do you know what this could cost me?

I know, I know. Your license, your freedom.

My golf course!

Look, I don't care what you have to do...

Sell your house, go into your IRA,

roll your Aunt Betty... But I want every penny

you took back into Pro-Priority by the end of the week!

Do you understand?

(shouts emphatically) Do you understand!

Yes! Every word.

Good!

Hey, do you think maybe I could borrow

the money from you and pay it back?

♪ ♪

You want me to put my own money into Pro-Priority?

You do have a problem.

(laughing)

(door closes)

(gags)

♪ ♪

(snoring)

(horse nickers)

(horse neighing)

Blue Chip: Stanley! Stanley!

Wake up!

Jesus.

I like my life, pal.

Eight square meals a day,

horseshoe deal, 18-inch dick.

Wow!

I'd like to grow old, Stanley,

knock up a mare,

have a couple of colts.

Why am I taking the rap for your stupidity?

If anybody should be taking the fall,

it's you. Loser!

(gasps)

Man on phone: Yeah?

Whack the horse!

Arliss: What I admire most about Stanley is his demeanor during a crisis.

There's no finger pointing.

There's no passing of the buck.

His decisions get right to the point.

He'll never throw good money after bad,

but always gives his investments the shot they deserve.

Free the horses, race Porsches!

(megaphone blares)

(neighs)

- (grunts) - Group: Free the horses,

Race Porsches!

Tippi Hedren, great chant!

Rita, you can always count on me.

Free the horses, race Porsches!

- (police siren blares) - Woman: Uh-oh.

The pigs, scram.

(people yell)

Okay, wait. What?

Wait! Come back!

Give it to me.

James, start the car!

♪ ♪

You got a permit to assemble?

A... a permit?

♪ ♪

(knocking)

I was just visualizing myself striding

to the 18th green with Tiger and Clint,

and then it all went up in smoke.

The...

Last Valley Golf Experience fell out of escrow?

Uh-huh.

And you lost your deposit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I had to reimburse Pro-Priority

with $200,000 of my own money.

Well, this should cheer you up.

I-I... I sold Blue Chip Property to Bob Baffert.

For how much?

(clears throat) Ten thousand.

Ten thousand dollars, alright.

That only puts me down...

One hundred and...

190,000.

Arliss... I'm sorry.

The bottom line is... I fucked up.

A hundred and ninety thousand dollars.

And I'm stuck with an old folks' home.

Oh, well.

It's only money.

I've worked out a payment plan, though, and I will...

I'll pay you back every dime that I owe you.

I wish I could put a positive spin on it,

but I can't.

♪ ♪

Well...

maybe you can.

♪ ♪

(narrates) Accountability.

It can describe a person good with numbers...

I-23.

Man: Louder!

(shouts) I-23.

(people murmur)

Arliss: Or it can mean a man who is true to his word.

Both definitions fit the dependable

and indispensable Stanley Babson.

G-51.

- Arliss: Bingo! - Oh!

Bingo! I got bingo!

- Stanley: It's a $20 pot. - (chuckles)

(mutters) One hundred and eighty-nine thousand,

nine hundred and eighty left to go.

- Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels. - Bingo.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Arliss: Eleven under the "B."

Sixteen under the "I."

Free space.

Fifty-two under the "G."

Seventy-three under the "O."

(camera clicks)

(theme music plays)