Original subtitles

♪ ♪

(Arliss narrates) For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

DJ on radio: This is the fourth straight day of rain in LA.

When is this El Nino ever gonna end?

(Arliss narrates) For most Americans,

going to work every day is a chore,

but let us not forget that these Americans

are the backbone of our society.

Who are they? The every man,

the working stiff, the common Joe.

I for one never sit in judgment

and never look down upon him.

Señor Arliss, with all this El Nino,

you think the Dodgers are gonna play tonight?

(Arliss narrates) He's the one I pay attention to.

0 for 3, damn.

Okay, I'm all done.

I don't want to keep a busy man from being busy.

You done, Kekee?

Hey, let me ask you something.

Livan Hernandez, he comes from Cuba.

He makes $4.6 million.

- Uh-huh. - Orlando Hernandez, he comes from Cuba.

He makes $6.6 million.

Are they worth it?

Well, it's not a question of worth.

It's a question of fair market value.

See, these careers aren't very long.

You gotta seize the opportunity,

because let me tell ya, when they don't want you,

they're not gonna pay you dollar one.

What do I owe you?

Same as always, three dollars.

Right.

Thank you.

Señor Arliss, I have a gift for you.

For me?

Bolivar. Habana.

My cousin, he sends them to me.

He says they sell here for $40 apiece.

I give it to you, Mr. Arliss.

(Arliss narrates) It's the little guy I take the extra time with...

Thanks, Kekee.

Give the extra buck to.

By the way, after commissions and taxes,

that six million dollars is really only three.

Three million dollars.

Oh, yeah. (sniffs) Taxes will kill you.

Tell me about it.

Ah! Kekee, two things I know:

Never make the last out at third base,

and you don't fuck...

with the IRS, Mr. Carlisle.

I must say, Mr. Carlisle,

your deduction-to-income ratio is truly astounding.

(chuckles) Thank you.

Ms. Slocomb,

if Mr. Carlisle made those expenditures in the pursuit,

maintenance or benefit of a client,

then they are fully deductible.

I know the code, Mr. Babson,

and certain write-offs are obviously legitimate...

"Sporting News," "Baseball Weekly."

I try to keep tabs on all the hot young prospects.

But explain the deductions

for "Penthouse," "Jism," and "Bang."

A lot of our clients like to date young models,

and I try to keep tabs on all the hot young prospects.

Ms. Slocomb... Helen...

May I call you "Helen"?

You may not.

Ms. Slocomb, I've been an associate of Mr. Carlisle's,

and while I agree his methods may be unorthodox,

his intent most certainly is not.

Mr. Babson, are you also Mr. Carlisle's attorney?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Then please keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.

Mr. Carlisle, did you bring along those receipts?

Yes, yes, I did.

(rustling)

(Arliss narrates) I applaud the nine-to-fiver,

the civil servant.

Society profits when everyone kicks in their fair share

and works for the greater good.

One more.

Jury duty?

Who gives a shit about jury duty?

I'm sorry, but if I don't show up,

they're gonna put me in jail.

What shoes should I wear?

Why didn't you use the letter?

These are way too expensive.

Bob Shapiro personally drafted a "get out of jury duty" letter.

It cost me two tickets to the Final Four.

I forgot to mail it.

Bob'll get you off. He's handled worse.

Arliss, you have a very easy day.

Now the temp is due here any minute.

All you have to do is follow my simple instructions.

No. No, no, no, listen, you can't. You can't.

Where the hell is everybody?

Kirby and Stanley are in Fresno.

There are a couple of nerds here from accounting,

and everybody else is stuck at home because of the monsoon.

"Monsoon." It's a little drizzle. I made it here.

Yeah, from Brentwood, five minutes away.

The rest of the worker bees have to commute in from the boonies.

- Well, you got here. - I left my hive at 6:00 a.m.

- No, no, no, no. - Bye.

No, you can't... I ke... Rita!

- (DJ speaks indistinctly) - (thunder crashes)

(Arliss narrates) The truly outstanding leader not only respects his minions,

but knows how to perform the tasks

of all those under his command.

Son-of-a-bitch!

What was so bad about the fucking typewriters?

(phone rings)

AMM.

No, he's not here, there's nobody here!

(phone rings)

AMM.

Yeah, I'm happy with my long distance carrier!

(water dripping)

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck is this?

Oh. Son-of-a-bitch.

Jesus!

Hello! I'm Rose Nolibow.

From Temporary Remedies.

Oh, good. Do you know how to use this fucking computer?

- (gasps) - Look, get the son-of-a-bitch up here who runs this place

And tell him I got more leaks than the fucking White House going on.

And if that cocksucker tells you that he's busy,

you tell him he's full of shit, and I'm gonna take my nine iron

and shove it up his ass! Any questions?

No! Oh!

Where you going? You can't take a break, you just got here!

- (water dripping) - (narrates) Why are people so eager to work with me?

Holy shit, I'm on Titanic.

(narrates) Make your own deductions.

I note here a $32,000 contribution

to the Kipawa Native American tribe?

Yes. You see,

I'm very concerned about how the US government...

Not your department, of course...

Has mistreated the Indians,

and I've dedicated myself

to helping to lift them out of poverty.

A worthy pursuit.

Thank you.

However, due to their

extremely profitable gaming casinos,

the Kipawas have a per capita income

of $68,000 a year.

Might this... contribution

actually be payment of a gambling debt?

It... it might.

Well, that completes my examination of 1994.

(snaps fingers) See, that wasn't so bad.

However, having seen that return,

I would now like to audit '95, '96, and, '97.

On what grounds?

Mr. Babson, I hope your returns are in order also.

My returns?

I'm sorry, did you say something?

No.

- (water dripping) - Vengeance be "mine," bastard!

Or more like this?

Vengeance "be" mine, bastard.

Or more like,

Vengeance "be mine," bastard.

Uh, simpler, I think, Picabo. Simpler.

Arliss, I really think this audition could be my big break.

No, no, hitting that fence was your big break. Whammo! (laughs)

I mean winning the gold in Nagano,

that was your big break. Wow!

(exhales)

(phone rings)

Fuck! What?

Arliss, Jerry Colangelo.

Did you get my fax on Devon White?

Umm, the White fax, White fax.

Yeah, yeah, I haven't had time to crunch the numbers yet.

Numbers? We just need Devon to accept

a regular hotel room rather than a suite.

We're in a real bind in Chicago.

Oh, the White fax!

I thought you said, "The white fish."

No, no, he doesn't give a shit about that.

It'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Bye.

Hey, Arliss, do you think Felonious stabs like this?

Yah!

Or do you think it's more like this? Hwah!

Um, it would depend on her motivation.

Yeah-huh. How would Jody do it?

(Arliss narrates) I never expect my employees to do something

that I myself couldn't handle.

(whirring, thumping)

Damn!

Rita, how could you leave me?

Just fry the fucker and get back here!

Arliss.

(screams)

What's up?

Gilbert Brown, how's the Godzilla of the gridiron?

Hungry, you ready to go eat?

Oh man, I... I can't go. I gotta get these contracts out,

and look at them... they're coming out all black.

Is there anything I can do to help?

As a matter of fact...

- Gilbert: This it? - Arliss: Yeah, just give it a good yank.

(narrates) Once you know what everybody's job is...

Just work on it.

You appreciate what they do even more.

Arliss, Arliss, I gotta go to my audition.

What if I hit on both "vengeance" and "bastard"?

- Yeah, trust your instincts. Trust your instincts. - (phone rings)

Break a leg!

AM...

AMM... please... Stanley, thank god!

Is that you? Are you on your way home now?

Not even close! Kirby's tax return just came in

at number one on the bestseller list for fiction!

The auditor wants us back there tomorrow.

Fucking shit!

I'm no happier about it than you are.

There's a raisin convention in town,

and there's only one room available.

Do you know what that means?

You're sharing a room with Kirby?

I'm sharing a bed with Kirby!

I thought this was supposed to be a business trip?

- Arliss, it's your fault that I'm here. - (toilet flushes)

You wanted me to be here, and I'm gonna...

And you... oh!

God dammit!

Arliss, you owe me big time.

- Listen... - (speaks Spanish)

Oh, it's okay, your dad finished my shoes.

It's okay.

(speaks Spanish)

Where's security?

No, don't shoot! Don't shoot! (whimpers)

(speaks Spanish)

"Miguel Arly"?

"Miguel Arly," no?

(speaks Spanish)

Yeah, yeah, sure, I'll sign it.

Who do I make it out to?

- Diego Sanchez. - Pedro...

No, no, Diego Sanchez.

(speaks Spanish)

"Cooba"!

♪ ♪

- "Cooba"? - Si.

- Baseball? - Si, si!

Pitchero?

Si, si, si si!

"Cooba," pitchero.

Diego Sanchez?

Si.

Si, si, hold un momento.

Stanley, I just hit the mother lode.

- Diego Sanchez just walked into my office. - Who?

He's the number one pitcher from Cuba. I don't know.

- He must've defected. I'll call you back later. - Ar... Arliss!

Cousin Louie, how's my favorite nephew?

(speaks Spanish)

(woman moans on TV)

Is that a goatee or a vagina?

I don't think you understand

the severity of your situation.

It's a tit.

(sighs)

(both speak Spanish)

Tell him there's plenty more clothes where that came from.

(speaks Spanish)

I got a warehouse full of that shit.

Does... ask Diego, how did he manage to escape from Castro?

(both speak Spanish)

He says that the Cuban national team

was touring Mexico, and he liberated himself

from the team hotel in Chihuahua.

Tell him how much I so admire the risks

- he took in pursuit of freedom. - (speaks Spanish)

But in order to make his trip worthwhile,

he must now go to Costa Rica immediately.

(speaks Spanish)

What's he say, Kekee?

Señor Arliss, Diego does not understand

why you say he must go to Costa Rica

when he struggled so hard to get here.

Why can't he a-stay?

He cannot a-stay because he's not here.

(speaking Spanish)

Listen to me.

As soon as he steps foot in this country,

Major League Baseball requires him to enter the draft...

which means that you can only negotiate with the team that drafted you.

But if you establish residency in another country...

he's a free agent which means he's eligible to negotiate

with all 30 professional teams, driving the price up.

It's a difference of millions of dollars.

Mucho dinero!

(continues speaking Spanish)

Scratchola! Gelt!

- Okay. Si, si. Okay. - Comprende? Comprende?

Good, good. Si, good, good, good.

Now there's one more thing we gotta take care of.

Mucho importante.

Agency contracts. Agency contracts. Where are they?

Who the hell's this?

Shit! Son-of-a-bitch!

(speaks Spanish)

Hey, Diego wants to know if he can see

Universal CityWalk before he leaves.

No, no, no, no, you don't understand.

Universal CityWalk's in America.

He was never in America. Never America.

(both speak Spanish)

America. No, no.

Come on. I missed out on the other Cuban defectors.

I sure as hell don't want to miss out on Diego.

Shit! Son-of-a-bitch!

Diego wants to know if you can arrange

for him to play in Miami?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, if he goes to Costa Rica!

Costa Rica. (chuckles)

Contracts, contracts.

Where the fuck are the contracts?

♪ ♪

Now what did Diego say?

He says you should press the "find" command.

(mouths)

Bueno.

Good.

I've got everything on the way.

I just gotta get the agency... (gasps)

Almost done.

Yeah.

Nice shoes.

Raisin' Hell. I love that!

Hey, Kirby.

Hey, Jerry Tarkanian, how you doing?

Great to see you in Fresno.

I didn't know you were a raisin booster.

That's not why I'm here. I'm on an audit.

And audit? The IRS?

Hell, buddy, they're worse than the NCAA.

You got a lot of problems.

You better chew on this for a while

and see if it brings you some luck.

Oh. Gee. Thanks... Tark.

Kirby... (sighs) I've run the numbers.

Taking into account the items that Ms. Slocomb challenged,

the estimated penalties, plus interest,

you are gonna have to write a check for that figure.

These last two numbers... tho... tha... those are cents, right?

All dollars.

Okay, so I owe some money.

It's not like these people are gonna break my knees.

No, Kirby, but they could do worse.

Prison?

Yeah.

No way!

I mean I just thought I would put this on my Visa card.

Oh, Stanley, you gotta help me.

(scoffs) Kirby, I can't get you out of this.

You don't fuck with the IRS.

And now that I've come here, you've put me in the line of fire.

Well, I didn't ask you to come.

Oh, Arliss did. He knew you wouldn't take this seriously.

Jesus, was he right.

Look, I don't need a chaperon!

Oh, really?

You can't take care of your personal business,

now you've brought me into the line of fire.

You know what?

- Fuck you! I don't need you. - (laughs)

If only that were true!

What's a smart guy like you

doing with a loser like that?

Ms. Slocomb, I knew you people were privy to our personal lives.

I didn't know that meant following us around.

Sit down, Mr. Babson,

I'm here having a double Glenfiddich.

Just unwinding after a hard day.

Look at that. Pathetic, isn't it?

So, how do you get to be a raisin girl?

- (laughs) - Do you have to start out as a grape?

Kirby's not pathetic.

He's underdeveloped in some ways.

My friend is harmless.

Your friend is defrauding the United States government.

Okay, who doesn't pad their write-offs?

Besides me?

Don't worry. I'll make sure he makes good on it.

It won't be good enough.

Kirby was a college football star.

At the age of 21, he had his picture

on... the cover of national magazines.

Life peaked for him 20 years ago.

In a way, it's kind of sad.

Am I supposed to feel sorry for him?

I made $37,000 last year,

He made $270,000 and cheated on his taxes!

Sorry if I don't share your compassion.

Ms. Slocomb.

Mr. Babson, I am through talking about Mr. Carlisle.

- Fine then. - I'd rather talk about you.

About me?

Sit down, Mr. Babson.

You made quite an impression today.

Encyclopedic knowledge of the tax code.

Logical, well constructed argument.

If we could get back to Kirby.

If you could only look at my friend's returns...

Well, I might be persuaded...

if I could count on your assistance.

My assistance?

(Arliss narrates) The working person knows every now and then

you've got to take one for the team.

(both moaning loudly)

Slocomb: God!

Hit the total! Hit the total!

Make another entry! Yes!

Make another entry!

(water dripping)

(both speak Spanish)

(door opens)

Look, here are the airline tickets.

And this is an AMM agency contract.

When you get to Costa Rica, have Diego sign it, mail it,

and then he will be on his way to fame,

fortune, and free agency.

There's been a change in plans.

Change? What change?

Diego wants me to be his agent.

What? When did this happen?

When you were talking to the travel agent.

I want to hear this from Diego.

He says, if I'm not his agent,

he's going back to Cuba.

Man, I don't believe what I'm hearing here.

Kekee, haven't I always treated you as a friend?

You know, Señor Arliss,

every day I play the lottery and every day I lose...

until today.

Kekee, I...

Look at my hands.

Do you know how many shoes I shine a day?

I-I-I...

Of course not.

Between 50 and 60 pair every day.

After rent, taxes, equipment,

giving my sons some money,

do you know how much I take home?

A buck a shoe.

It's tough to take a family of five

to a ball game on that.

Look, if it's tickets you want...

And then this young man comes to my country...

He's not here!

Illegally, doesn't speak the language,

knows no trade except to throw a baseball very fast.

Soon, someone will give him millions.

Arliss, you know, it just doesn't seem fair.

I know.

But wait, it is fair.

Fair market value.

Okay, okay, I get the game. I get the game.

- What do you want? - 30 percent.

30 percent!

(laughs) The standard finder's fee is 10 percent.

Diego Sanchez is not your standard find.

This is unbelievable.

Okay, I'll go 12 and a half percent, but that's it!

Señor Arliss,

a wise man once said to me,

you must seize the opportunity

because if they don't want you,

they won't pay you dollar one.

I shine a little, I listen a lot.

(Arliss narrates) Why do I love the common man so?

Maybe because I see so much of myself in him.

♪ ♪

(adding machine clicking)

Mr. Carlisle, after re-reviewing the numbers,

I've decided that you owe $2,800.76.

♪ ♪

That's it?

Would you like me to find more?

No, no, no.

I want you to know that the reason the amount

was reduced was because of the tireless work

performed by Mr. Babson on your account.

Oh, he's the best, isn't he?

(chuckles)

Let's just say he's very good.

(chuckles)

(Arliss narrates) They call baseball a game of inches.

Well, that phrase applies

to more than just baseball.

(shouts)

(both grunting)

Vengeance shall be mine, you bastard!

Cut, print! We got it, great!

Great, I loved it. Okay, European version.

Picabo, take your top off.

Arliss!

(Arliss narrates) One should never forget

that the little people have feelings too.

- (phone rings) - (answering machine beeps)

Woman on phone: This is Temporary Remedies, Rose.

We'd like to send you out again.

- (whimpering) - Rose, are you there? Rose?

(Arliss narrates) Oh, sure, it's nice to be important

- (crowd cheering) - and make lots of money signing big name stars...

Kekee on P.A.: Welcome to Kekee's Emporium.

Cigars, cappuccino and shoe maintenance.

Arliss: but let us not forget

that stars wouldn't be stars

without the help of those who make them shine.

(Kekee speaks Spanish)

(speaks Spanish)

Ivan Rodriguez! How's it going, bud?

- Hey, Arliss, what's going on? - What a coincidence.

I was just telling Kekee here

if there's one player that needs his contract renegotiated,

it's Ivan Rodriguez.

(both speak Spanish)

- Si? - Si.

Hey, you and I should talk, you know?

(Arliss narrates) What makes this society work?

All of us working together to form a universal language.

- Mucho dinero. - (narrates) That's the American way.

Si.

Mi llamo Arliss Michaels.

Yo represento atletas.

Esto son mi historas.

♪ ♪