Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): When a client is far from his homeland,

it is an agent's joy to act as his family

and share deeply in every aspect of his life.

Amadou, great news, the deal closed.

Six years, $105 million dollars.

I had to come and tell you face to face.

You are now in possession

of one of the biggest extensions in the NBA.

This is good for my village.

This will buy books for the library

and bleachers for the gymnasium.

Not to mention your endowment.

I mean think of it, 105 million big ones.

You know, I too have good news.

There is someone special that I want you to meet.

"Special"?

What do you mean "special"?

Arliss, this is Lisa Levine.

She comes from a long island.

Hi.

Hello. Amadou speaks very highly of you.

So how did you two meet?

I cleaned Amadou's teeth last week.

I'm a dental hygienist.

Really?

So how are his gums?

Oh, he has the most perfect upper arch

I've ever seen.

Isn't she "the bomb"?

This a favorite restaurant of yours?

Actually,

we're here to meet my parents.

- (gong rings) - "Parents"?

Man: This way, please.

Please, go, greet them.

I must prepare.

I want to look my best.

- Oh, Amadou. - Come, Arliss.

Would you just excuse me for one second?

I really need to talk to my client.

Just one second.

There they are!

Oh!

Ma, Daddy,

this is Arliss Michaels.

Hello.

Oh.

How do you do?

"Michaels"...

What kind of a name is that?

Ma.

Mort Levine, my wife Ceal.

Pleasure.

Yeah, you're a little older than I expected.

So Lisa tells me you're in sports.

Is that right, Mr. Michaels?

Uh, that's right, I'm a sports agent.

Jerry Maguire! (laughing)

Daddy, Arliss represents

some of your favorite players.

Brett Favre, Roger Clemens.

- That's right. - Really?

Let me ask you a question.

What kind of money does a guy like you make every year?

Daddy!

Well, that all depends.

Oh, Ceal, gib a kik.

Oh, my God.

(Ceal speaks Yiddish)

Mort: Yeah.

God. (mumbles)

May I present my client, Mr. Amadou M'bow.

Mr. Levine,

it is a great honor to meet you, sir.

Amadou, it's a real thrill for me.

I'm a big fan of yours.

Thank you, and you Mrs. Levine.

(Ceal chuckles nervously)

So, Arliss, you own your own business?

Yes, I do.

What kind of square footage are we talking about?

Daddy, Amadou comes from Senegal.

Oh, we love the Discovery Channel.

My people are the Mandine tribe.

It is a beautiful country.

Oh, but not as beautiful as your daughter.

Aw.

Oh, am I famished!

You ready to order?

Aren't you sweet to say that.

You are a fine young man.

Thank you.

He is, I can tell by his handshake.

Who's for ribs, duck sauce?

Oh, Ma, Daddy, I'm so glad to hear you say that,

because in two weeks I'm gonna be (squeaks)

Mrs. Amadou M'bow!

(gong rings)

We're getting married!

Arliss (narrating): Over the years,

I have been asked by many, many, clients

to be their best man.

As a firm believer in family,

no celebration fills me with more joy

than a wedding.

Fuck, I hate weddings.

I wonder why.

Weddings beget wives, wives beget trouble.

And wives beget ex-wives

- who beget even more trouble. - Bingo.

Engagement present.

Candlesticks, fondue set,

or autographed portrait of yourself.

Candlesticks.

Why can't they just live happily in sin like everybody else?

- Bloomingdales or Sak's? - Bloomingdales.

He's known her for ten days

and they're getting married in two weeks.

What a bloody nightmare. Shit!

So, who's gonna perform this traditional African/Jewish ceremony?

Interesting you should ask that.

AMM has offered to track down that very special person.

How the hell am I gonna do that?

Easy, get on the internet and enter

"www.that's what the fuck I'm paying you for.com."

Stanley. Form 10-100.

Form 10-100, the prenuptial agreement.

So popular it has its own drawer.

There's a $120 million dollars sitting on the table.

I am not gonna sleep until she signs it.

Think she will?

Oh, she better.

Do you know how Canseco's ex-wife

became the 5th highest paid player in baseball?

Because she did not sign Form 10-100.

If I fail to protect my client,

I have failed him as an agent.

It is the greatest wedding gift one can give.

Our young dental hygienist may clean out his mouth,

but she shall not clean out his wallet.

Have you seen Kirby?

Oh, he called earlier.

He's giving someone a ride.

A ride? What kind of ride?

(moaning)

(mumbling)

Earth to Kirby.

What language are you speaking?

Oh, God, that was...

You are...

(chuckles)

Oh, I think someone here

needs a little resuscitation.

Sit up, my sweet.

(moans)

Oh, I can't, my... My spine had a spinal.

This will get the oxygen flowing again.

Oh, no more oxygen, please, not again.

I'd heard about older women,

but, whoo, I don't know why more men don't try them.

Kirby, you'd be amazed.

There are many men in this world

who actually enjoy going to bed with older women.

The same older woman, in fact,

night after night, their whole lives.

Well, I don't know about that, but,

Penny, whoo.

She can go and go

and go and go and go

and go...

Oh, exactly how old is this older woman, 22?

Stanley, she is 40-something.

I'm impressed. A mature woman...

And you can actually have

interesting adult conversation with her?

It's a good thing I can keep up with her.

Stamina.

Thank God I've got it!

(deflates loudly)

Hut!

Hey, hey, hey, Mia Hamm!

How's the super woman of women's soccer?

- Hi, Arliss. - Uh, Mia, let me ask you a question.

When you played World Cup against Senegal,

did you notice if they had any Jews on the team?

Come on, Arliss.

With a name like Hamm,

you don't meet many Jewish people anywhere.

Why do you ask?

Because Amadou M'bow's getting married to a Jewish girl

and I gotta find me an African rabbi.

Didn't you sign him to a $105 million dollar contract?

Better make sure she signs a pre-nup.

Tell me about it.

Arliss (narrating): When it comes to matters of the heart,

my advice is almost always right on target.

It's called a pre-nuptial agreement.

I don't understand.

Well, it's a document designed to protect you,

and most importantly, to protect Lisa.

Arliss, a marriage is not a business deal.

It is a blessed ceremony of love.

Amadou, I have no doubt that you and Lisa

are gonna be happily married for the rest of your life.

But in the unlikely event of a divorce,

Lisa would receive one lump sum of money.

The rest of your income will be protected.

We do not need this agreement.

In my tribe, we do not believe in divorce.

Well, believe me, in her tribe they do.

Did Romeo ask Juliet

to sign a pre-nuptial?

No, and look what happened to them,

double suicide at age 14.

I do not approve.

Amadou, think of the village.

I mean if she doesn't sign a pre-nuptial,

she can take half your village.

Hmm. My village?

By the way, these are delicious, what are they?

Oh, you like.

These are fermented sphincter muscles of wild boar.

(coughs)

They are allowed to rot and dry in the carcass

under a great mound of steaming yak dung.

They're prunes from Trader Joe's.

(both laugh)

Amadou, if you are uncomfortable with this,

I will be happy to present it to Lisa as your agent.

She will not be insulted?

Oh, no, no.

I will present it to her

in terms she'll understand.

Arliss (narrating): What makes one negotiation succeed and another fail?

One word... timing.

Beef is too expensive.

Fish is too cheap.

Then chicken.

We'll serve chicken, alright?

Arliss, you like chicken, right?

Yeah, I like chicken.

Everyone knows chicken means you can't afford beef.

You prefer beef, am I right?

Why am I springing for this

when my future son-in-law just signed a contract

for $105 million dollars?

Speaking of which...

When Amadou's parents got married,

they took a live white chicken, cut its throat,

and let the blood drop down

into a beautiful gourd of white rice.

See? Chicken.

Chicken makes everybody happy.

My one and only daughter is marrying a shagitz

from deepest darkest Africa.

Ma, drop it!

Oh, angel, this is not easy for us.

Mr. Michaels,

tell them how much Amadou loves me.

Indeed he does.

And you can be sure he will always protect you.

Spiritually, emotionally,

and legally.

"Legally"?

This pre-nuptial agreement was designed

to protect your daughter, Mrs. Levine,

as well as your future son-in-law.

Mr. Levine.

Here's your copy.

Pre-nuptial?

Now don't be put off by the legal tone of this thing.

Think of it more as preventive care,

not unlike flossing or brushing.

So what do we got here? I mean what's the numbers?

One million dollars a year for each year of marriage

will be set aside to you.

In addition I have built in some incentive clauses.

For example, any year that you have a baby,

maybe a little amadini,

you will receive an additional half a million dollars.

Do we get a bump for a boy?

That's negotiable.

Now in the very unlikely event

that you discover your husband in a compromising position,

you will receive a two million dollar bonus.

Strip clubs, however, are excluded.

- Any questions? - (stutters)

Good, now as soon as you are comfortable with this,

we will arrange a meeting with your lawyer for the signing.

The sooner the better, and let me say you just look gorgeous in that dress.

Ma?!

Calm down.

- Is this not a good time? I can come back. - (screaming)

Ma!

Calm down, honey.

Princess, this is not such a bad deal.

Listen to your father.

This is how he trusts me?!

No, no, no, you tell him to forget it.

You tell him I never want to see him again!

Does this mean I don't get the Laker tickets?

Arliss (narrating): My clients know there is no stronger advocate

of marriage than me.

Wedding's off!

But these wedding presents just arrived from Senegal.

What can I tell you?

She wouldn't sign.

L'amore est caput.

No, no, no I found this perfect guy.

A rabbi from Ethiopia who was air lifted into Israel in 1984

as a part of "Operation: Moses".

Well, go down "Operation: Moses".

We are in "Operation: No Wedding, No Jeopardy".

Cancel the plane for Amadou's family

and tell John Randle I'll meet him for racquetball at 5:00.

Well, it's obvious how you feel about it.

How does Amadou feel?

Well, he was a little upset at first,

but he's a smart guy, he'll understand.

Great presents, huh?

Too bad they all gotta go back.

That means that I won't be able to wear my new outfit,

which I think AMM should pay for,

seeing it was a business expense,

and I did find an African rabbi.

You're right.

AMM will pay for every phone call you made

to track down that rabbi.

Arliss, you constantly cease to amaze me.

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels Managements.

♪ Arliss, boom bah yea ♪

♪ Mama say mama sah mama coo sah ♪

Jerry Colangelo.

I'll take that in my office.

Kirby, don't touch anything, they're all going back.

What do you mean he's quitting?!

He says he going back to Africa and his heart's broken.

No, no, no. There's a misunderstanding here.

The misunderstanding is Amadou just signed

a $105 million contract with the Phoenix Suns,

and he's about ready to leave the continent.

Jerry, Jerry, Amadou's not going anywhere,

I promise you.

And I promise you if he does,

you're looking at breach of contract.

- I had it made! - I want it taken back, and I want to see the receipt!

- Arliss said it was a legitimate business expense. - There is no wedding!

- Is that my fault?! - It's not even attractive!

- Oh, who are you to speak? - I want it returned, and I want to see the receipt.

Arliss said...

Oh, my God!

These are crushed rhino balls.

What, you recognize them?

Well, there's a picture, an illustration, see.

It's an aphrodisiac.

Not for the rhino it isn't.

No, no, put these away.

These gifts have to be sent back to Africa.

That's not the only thing going back to Africa.

Amadou's quitting basketball, he's headed home.

He's walking away from $105 million dollars.

I gotta get this wedding back on. Pre-nup or no pre-nup.

I mean, after all, five percent of 52 and a half million is still...

Better than 100% of nothing.

Arliss: I gotta go see him now.

Kirby, you gotta play racquetball with John Randle at 5:00 PM.

I can't, I'm seeing Penny.

5:00 PM. And let him win, let him win!

Arliss (narrating): My actions never protect my commissions.

They protect my clients' well being.

(doorbell rings rapidly)

Got a moment?

Penny, baby, yeah.

I'm gonna be a little late tonight,

but, uh, it'll be worth it.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Don't plan on getting any sleep, okay?

Goodbye.

Hey, John Randle! How's it hanging?

- How you doing, Kirb? - Pretty good.

Ready to get your butt kicked?

Sure, let's kick my butt.

(chuckles weakly)

Oh, I think I pulled a hamstring.

I can explain.

It's not what you think it is.

Oh, I don't think it's anything.

I'll just see ya.

No! John, John!

Listen! This isn't even me!

It's some horny horned rhino I never even met!

I am ashamed!

I should have never let you talk me into

such a crass and vulgar idea!

Amadou, I've been doing some calculations

and it's clear that emotionally,

it is far more important for you to stay and marry Lisa

without a pre-nuptial, than to go home with nothing.

She will not speak to me, thanks to you!

Well, she'll speak to me.

She will not speak to you!

She says you are pond scum!

It is an expression for "shithead".

Look, I understand how you feel,

but you shouldn't give up your career.

I don't want to play!

I can't jump off of the ground, with a heart so heavy.

I feel responsible for this.

I let you down.

Let me try to make it right.

- How?! - (screams)

With more contracts?!

If this happened in your village, what would you do?

I would send for the village wise man

and have him speak with her.

Then I too will send for a wise man to go speak with her.

I will.

Lisa: How often do you floss?

(mumbling) Uh, I think, three times a week.

Three times a week is not enough,

and I'm afraid you're not flossing correctly.

Open wider, please.

(mumbling)

That's good, but a waterpick

cannot replace flossing and brushing,

and should only be used as an adjunct.

Rinse, please.

That is a gorgeous diamond.

You know, gum disease afflicts 75% percent of adults

over age 35 in this country.

Really?

Is that an engagement ring?

Open your mouth, please.

(groans)

(crying)

Is everything alright?

(crying) No, everything is not alright.

Uh, uh, can... Can I rinse please?

So, break off about an 18 inch piece of floss,

wind most around one of your middle fingers,

wind the rest around the same finger of the other hand.

Now this finger will take up the floss as it becomes soiled,

(sobbing) with bacteria.

Oh, Lisa.

Oh, Lisa, girlfriend, listen...

He loves you.

Amadou really, really loves you.

What?

Arliss Michaels was the one insisting on a pre-nup,

- not Amadou. - But how do you...

He wants to marry you, Lisa, with no pre-nup.

Amadou wants to marry you with no pre-nuptial contract.

- Really?! - Mm-hmm.

Put that diamond ring back on.

Put that ring back on!

Five carats!

VVS One clarity!

Arliss (narrating): There is nothing more joyful than a wedding,

the union of two young lovers committed to spending

the rest of their lives together.

Why are we starting now?

Amadou's family isn't even here.

They're worried about losing the Milt Kay Band

to a bar mitzvah at 7:00.

I'm worried about what's growing on your head.

At least something is growing on my head.

How'd it go the other night?

Well, the good news is I rode Penny all night long.

Bad news is,

we lost John Randle as a client.

Hey, Arliss.

Hey, Kenny Anderson.

- How's the baron of the back court? - It's going well.

Arliss: Yeah? That makes one of us.

Hey, you think you got an extra handkerchief?

This wedding's gonna make me cry.

Me, too.

Thank you.

Arliss (narrating): How I look forward to a client taking a bride.

For a good woman not only becomes an integral part of his life,

she becomes a part of his assets.

Rabbi: My good people,

these good young people need our support.

I say unto you,

love is color-blind,

but now let us be frank, we are not.

A prince from Senegal,

a princess from Long Island.

Let us...

Ah, my family has arrived!

(women ululating)

Rabbi: Welcome! I say welcome!

Shalom, shalom!

(Rabbi speaks Hebrew)

I say welcome,

welcome I say.

Welcome.

(women continue singing, ululating)

(music, singing ends)

Arliss, let's get this show on the road.

The rabbi's going into overtime.

This is my family,

And now it is yours.

My, you got so many sisters.

These are not my sisters,

these are my wives.

- Your wives?! - Your wives?

His wives?

His wives!

Ma!

Calm down.

Don't worry.

They will embrace you.

(cries hysterically)

Ceal: Angel, who knew?!

Who knew?!

Amadou, Amadou.

Are you alright?

Arliss, this is terrible.

I cannot marry a woman

that does not respect my culture and my family.

I couldn't agree more.

My family has come so far.

What do we do?

Well, the wedding's off.

Let's party!

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): Over the centuries, poets and playwrights

have toiled to illuminate

the inexplicable mysteries of love.

Alas, in love, as in life,

timing isn't everything, it's the only thing.

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

These are my stories.

♪ ♪