Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes,

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Bye, Gil.

You were one hell of a competitor.

I don't know which way you're heading,

but wherever it is,

I'm sure you're gonna get your five percent.

Arliss.

Matt Williams.

How's the Houdini of the hot corner?

I'm glad you could make it.

Gil would be happy you're here.

He survived a car wreck, prostate cancer, chapter eleven,

and it's the shellfish that get him.

Go figure.

I feel like a little part of me went with Gil Maroni.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without him.

What are you gonna do without him, Matt?

Pardon me?

Matt, this is a time of healing.

And while you're healing,

you need someone to take care of business.

Why don't you call me?

Let me give you my home phone number, you got a...

Here, call me at home, we'll discuss things and talk things over.

Hello, Arliss.

Talking to my new client, are you?

Your new client?

Hi, Arliss.

Excuse me, honey, but we have to go.

Oh, and Jeremy, thanks again for the passes to the Getty.

Bye-bye. Michelle, Matt.

Bye.

Nice couple.

Drag about Maroni, huh?

That's why I never eat at The Rusty Cove.

The seafood's as old as the clientele.

Oh, sorry, that's your favorite restaurant, isn't it?

Jeremy.

Recruiting business at the funeral of a colleague?

Have you no sense of decency?

Oh, you should talk, pops.

They don't call you "Mortuary Michaels" for nothing.

But your legendary streak's about to end, now.

Arliss: One of the most asked questions of agents is

"Where do clients come from?"

Well, I can't speak for others,

but at AMM, my business comes strictly from referrals.

We never recruit.

Penny Hardaway.

- Nope, Poston Brothers got him. - (groans)

Tom Glavine?

Ours. Signed him yesterday.

Thank you, oh, so much.

Rita: Luc Robitaille?

Jeremy Brenner signed him.

Shit!

I had linguini with clams the night before Maroni died.

- Ken Caminiti. - Brenner.

Fucking Brenner!

Of course, he's gonna sign clients.

He only charges two percent commission.

One bad clam with your name on it.

That's all it takes.

Oh, Kirby, give it a break.

One day Maroni's eating clams,

the next day he's wearing blush, sleeping in mahogany.

Kirby, give it a rest or you'll be sleeping in mahogany. Who's next?

Rita: Orville "Kit" Bellew.

Stanley: Available.

Nascar? Forget it.

Now, hold on, hold on. Dale Earnhardt was second last year

only to Michael Jordan in total earnings.

That's like 17 million dollars.

I don't care. It's still Nascar.

I don't want any part of that whole redneck, inbred,

deliverance, double "y" chromosome,

yahoo-heehaw, Miracle Whip eating world.

I say that with all due respect.

Nascar's not really like that anymore.

Next!

Rita: Kenny Anderson.

Brenner.

Shit!

How many clients has that undercutting little prick

already signed so far?

Six, seven, eight, nine.

And how many do we have?

Six, seven, eight, nine.

He's got nine?

And we've only got nine?

Relax, Arliss, we're doing okay.

Besides, it's not like we don't have a strong client base already.

This is exactly why the Jeremy Brenners of the world

are kicking our ass!

Complacency.

This wouldn't have anything to do with your streak,

would it?

What streak? I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, just the fact that of the last seven agents who have died,

retired or gone to jail,

you've signed the highest number of their clients.

Pure coincidence.

I don't care about any streak, although, it is a record.

Of course.

He could care less.

Next!

Kirby Carlisle.

Arliss: Oh, this is a mistake.

Kirby was never represented by anybody but me.

Not that I didn't try to do something about that. Next.

Wait a minute.

Charles Woodson.

Ah, Woodson! Available!

Yes! Charles Woodson! My Heis-man!

Okay, I've got three calls into him already.

Let's go into phase two, storm the beach!

Chocolates! Champagne! Fruit baskets!

Busta Rhymes tickets! Whatever it takes!

Whatever it takes! Whatever it takes! He's mine!

Let's go! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Go, go!

Another Kirby Carlisle?

Send this contract to Charles Woodson.

Get this out today. I'm getting an adrenaline rush.

I'm going into my kick.

Whoa!

Stanley: Va va va voom.

Arliss: What's going on?

Rita's interviewing new interns.

Oh, my favorite time of year.

Stanley: We love new interns.

Arliss: Oh, energetic, youthful.

Free.

Arliss, Charles Woodson, line two.

Yes!

Charles Woodson, how's the Heisman two-way terror?

Arliss, I appreciate your interest in wanting to represent me.

- Ah. - But I've decided to go another way.

What do you mean, "go another way"?

Hi, gramps. J.B. Here.

(sighs) "Mr. Two Percenter."

Hey, is it true you're now representing skim milk?

Hey, an active client's an active client.

If I undercut my commissions the way you do...

Scoreboard, pal.

That makes ten for me, nine for you.

Looks like your streak will soon be history.

- You... - Love to chat, but not with you.

Listen, you little pissant!

Ten to nine, pops. Ten to nine.

(hangs up)

Shit!

And if you do come to work here at AMM,

your conduct should be poised, courteous,

professional.

Rita, where in East bumfuck

does this cocksucker Kit fucking Bellew live?

Oh, hi.

Arliss: Whereas other agents

may go to the ends of the earth to sign a client,

I never travel.

Because of my hard-earned reputation,

my referrals come to me.

So old Gil Maroni bit it, huh?

Into a bad clam to be exact.

You know, he never believed in Bellew, anyway.

Well, then he had no business representing him.

Trust me, I would never take on a client I didn't believe in.

Let me tell you something, Mr. Michaels.

Kit Bellew is gifted.

He's as good as anybody on the circuit today.

Then, why hasn't he raced all season?

Bad alignment.

See, he just never got over his wife leaving him six months ago.

That's too bad.

See, this girl,

she wasn't like his first two wives.

This girl was family.

(engine revs, tires screech)

Oh, no, no, no, no, thank you.

I just had a Fruitopia.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Agh!

- After that, his crops failed. - (gurgling)

Then they foreclosed on the house.

Then the sponsors dropped him.

But the big tragedy,

he lost Snake.

His good friend?

No, his snake.

Lunchtime, boys!

(boys chattering)

- All right. - Here we go.

Bread!

Bologna!

Cheese! Bread!

Arliss: So, Mr. Gates,

I just want to make sure I've got all of this straight.

There's nothing physically wrong with Bellew, right?

He just feels like there's nothing left for him to live for.

Well, then he just has to recapture his motivation, that's all!

If you can convince him to race again, Mr. Michaels,

we'll sign with you.

Arliss: Once a blue chip client requests my career guidance,

then for me, it's "pedal to the metal."

(gasps)

Kit Bellew, this is such a great honor.

You don't know what a big Nascar fan I am.

I mean, it's just my favorite thing.

I love the whole world, the people.

The whole je ne sais quoi of the whole thing.

You like snakes?

Yeah, yeah, sure, of course.

Don't.

They'll leave you.

Look, look, Kit, you know,

if you sign with me,

I'll get you sponsors so you can race again.

Why?

Because... Because Kit Bellew was born to compete!

Kit bellew needs to be active!

Why?

Trust me, once you're back out there on the track,

you're as good to go as anyone.

Good to go.

Yeah, yeah, sure you are. Yeah.

A blaze of glory.

Yeah, yeah, so to speak.

(tires screeching)

Does this car have air bags?

A blaze of glory.

The road! The road! The road!

Get the road! Get the... Get the road!

Jesus fucking christ!

Hail Mary, Moses, Buddha. L. Ron Hubbard, Muhammed.

Get me that sponsor.

I'm good to go.

Arliss: What is the basis of a winning agent/client relationship?

It's knowing what it is that you're searching for.

- Mr. Carlisle? - Yeah.

Mr. Carlisle is so eager to meet you.

Mr. Carlisle?

The man I called at Bassmaster said you're a legend.

Six time Angler of the Year,

five time World Class Champion.

Feeding time, sweet pea.

You want to visit the little boy's room first?

With you, sugar,

quicker than a minnow can swim a dipper.

Now don't get fresh.

I'm fresh ripe as catfish bait.

(sighs) Mm-hmm.

(door closes)

I may be too old to cut the mustard,

but I can still lick the jar.

(chuckles)

I can't believe you signed a worthless client

to protect your juvenile streak.

What do you get if you win? A free trip to Chuck E. Cheese?

This has nothing at all to do with the streak.

Besides he's not an active client unless I get him a sponsor.

We're gonna waste a lot of valuable time on this guy.

Oh, come on, believe me, Bellew's not gonna be around long.

And what does that mean?

Ah, nothing.

Nothing.

Rita, Rita, I realize

that picking the new intern is your cabinet appointment,

but I'd like to offer my vote for the, um,

stately young woman who...

Who opened your mail so efficiently.

Hm. "Stately."

You mean stacked!

We need more people of color here at AMM.

After all, half the people we represent are black.

You're not thinking of hiring that guy, are you?

Will you two just conserve your energy?

I've already made my decision.

Laura?

Arliss Michaels, Stanley Babson,

I would love to introduce my new intern choice to you,

Laura Chen.

Laura: Ah, how do you do?

How do you do?

Laura speaks four different languages,

designs computer software,

was the coxswain on the Princeton Varsity Team,

- and oh, Stanley, you'll be interested in this. - Hmm?

Plays the oboe.

Oh.

Boe.

Stanley plays the coronet.

Wow!

Wow, that is a big fish.

I mean, that is one big fish.

When the dogwood blooms,

the bass are on the run.

Mr. Carlisle, um...

Call me Kirby, Kirby.

Okay. Um, Kirby.

This may seem forward,

but...

have you ever given much thought to death?

You know you're old when you're semi-annual hard-on

becomes an annual semi.

Now, why would I want to sponsor Kit Bellew?

He's a loser.

Frank, your product is the perfect fit.

He is a loser!

Let's say a TV ad costs $60,000 for thirty-seconds.

Last year, Nascar sponsors got 842 million dollars

worth of comparable ad time in thirty-four races.

He's a loser!

Frank, your logo on that car is more than just a walking billboard.

It's a three-and-a-half hour TV commercial.

Every week for thirty-four weeks.

And don't forget, what wins on Sunday...

Sells on Monday.

He's a loser!

Besides,

there are already a dozen beverages sponsoring Nascar.

We'd get lost in the crowd.

Not if we place your product logo on a prime spot.

Together: The doors.

Pfft. You can't do that.

Nascar does not allow any product advertising on the doors.

That's why your product is the perfect fit.

Jeremy!

Scoreboard update: Arliss Michaels signs Kit Bellew.

That's ten-ten, baby!

Arliss.

Reality update:

Bellew's not racing.

Only active clients count.

He's active and he's racing.

Sorry, punk, the streak stands.

I gotta go, Father Time.

My secretary's here for my afternoon blow job.

Yeah, what's his name?

(laughs)

Arliss likes his morning coffee with the box scores

and a poppy seed bagel with the seeds picked off.

Now, lunch is between twelve and twelve-fifteen.

Oh, never get into a crowded elevator with Kirby Carlisle.

He'll rub up against you.

- Ooh. - You don't want that.

Turn on the TV. Turn on the TV!

Here in the Winner's Circle

where there's been an unbelievable upset,

veteran Kit Bellew has just taken first place in the 500.

He won?

I don't believe it.

Kit, you ran like there was no tomorrow. How do you feel?

Shitty.

This guy looks mentally ill, his eyes are glazed over.

No, no, no. He's in the zone!

The ozone.

He just raced four hours

in a car that was 120 degrees inside.

I mean, look at that face,

that focus, that competitive edge,

Don't you agree, Rita?

Laura?

Well, he's certainly hirsute.

Arliss: Her what?

Very hairy forearms,

which, to me, indicates a prominent happy trail.

Happy trail?

Is that a racing term?

No.

That's the line of hair, on a man, from

right below his belly button down to his...

Uh...

I'll finish installing that new software.

Excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

(Rita humming)

Hot damn mama!

We gonna hit the mother load!

(laughing)

We're aiming for a whole new market for your product.

We don't need to be a sponsor.

We have every demographic covered.

Trust me, there are still some gaps to fill.

Nascar?

For our product? (laughs)

I don't think so.

Madeline, the sport is no longer about beer, gonads, and chewing tobacco.

Over 38 percent of Nascar fans are women.

And when you think about it, your product is about maintenance, isn't it?

People,

we are doing a fabulous job.

We've got decals humping decals.

The man is not a cash cow, he is a cash herd.

All we're missing is the big one,

the hood sponsor.

We're talking two million bones.

How much?

Two million. Two million.

That man is suicidal.

You should be trying to help Bellew's state of mind,

not exploit it.

Rita, I would never exploit someone who is suicidal.

Have we heard yet from Met Life?

Ah, they passed, but we do have a call in to Tombstone Pizza.

This is unconscionable!

That man should not be allowed behind the wheel.

You're one to talk.

Arliss, he's already crashed twice!

He doesn't have nine lives.

You're right.

He doesn't.

That there is a two million dollar hood, Kit.

How's that make you feel?

Shitty.

Good.

Good, keep it up.

Announcer: Well, he either wins or crashes.

The amazing story of Kit Bellew continues with his third Winston Cup victory.

The Nascar Comeback Driver of the Year.

There's nobody he'd rather get this award from than Dale Earnhardt.

When it comes to Richard Petty,

I'm sure he won't drive you off the course.

I've been with all these kind of people.

The good ones, the bad ones and the crazy ones.

And he's one of the crazy ones.

You know Kit, he's just got a drive,

That... That winning competition. You... You of all people.

- You're Jeff Gordon, you know that. - Nah.

He's going to see somebody do some driving.

All you gotta do is just stay out of his way and he'll take care of himself.

Well, that's good because it's a good idea to stay out of Kit's way.

Arliss: Check it out.

Kit Bellew mugs.

Kit Bellew T-shirts.

Kit Bellew bumper stickers.

Pennants.

And the number one top selling souvenir item in any sport,

a little die cast car.

This is the Kit Bellew Model.

Ah! Ah! Er!

What's this?

Uh, that's your own plate.

Plate.

Oh, yeah.

That's a very select limited issue.

It will hang in homes everywhere next to other plates of Elvis, John Wayne, Mother Theresa.

Mother Theresa.

- (knocking) - Excuse me, Arliss.

Kit's plane is leaving in an hour.

Laura will take him to the airport.

Great, great. Come on, big fella.

Yeah, don't you worry. It's just the beginning. I got big plans for us.

See you in the winner's circle at the 500!

Disgusting.

My daddy carved that old jitterbug.

Makes the fish more aggressive.

What's this?

Makes the women more aggressive.

Aphrodisiac.

Make your pecker so hard your cat can't scratch it.

Take it, son.

It's yours.

Thanks.

Kirby, what's it all for?

I mean, the fish eats the worm, we eat the fish, death eats us.

For what?

Kirby?

Sir?

You hear that creaking sound?

It's those bass out there, rolling up their sleeves,

getting ready to eat.

How long have you been in this nursing home?

Huh?

Do you have a rod?

Do I have a rod?

Uh, do you want to do up your seatbelt?

I drive pretty fast.

(laughs)

Okay.

Nice tattoo.

Oh, uh, thanks.

It's a portrait of my college roommate.

I loved her dearly.

Kirby, is there any philosophy that you've developed over the years

that, you know,

has helped you?

When you cook your bass,

don't scale him.

Just gut him and lay him on the fire.

Okay.

Is there any...

other philosophy that maybe helped in a more, um... uh...

Put your mind in your lure.

Put my mind in my lure.

Put my mind in my... Yes.

Bluebird skies.

Tomorrow is looking pretty.

Bluebird skies.

Kirby...

You know, Kirby, even though I can't seem to

put it all together,

it's very comforting to find someone who can.

(big splash)

Especially someone with my name.

And, uh,

I'm hoping really that we can start spending some more time together.

If that's okay with you.

What do you think? Kirby?

Kirby?

Dale Earnhardt has won the 500,

but the biggest surprise is the disappointing showing of Kit Bellew.

I don't believe it.

He just came in dead last.

He didn't even beat the pace car.

Kit Bellew, you just came in 33rd out of a qualified 33.

- How do you feel about that, sir? - Great!

Great?

What the hell's the matter with him?

- Why is that? - Why?

Because something came into my life that turned my world around.

Hi.

My little honey heart, oh, boy.

Holy shit!

She pursued his hirsute.

Hey, you know when I first saw her

and I saw that little tattoo right there...

Fella's get in here

and get a close up of that little serpent.

I knew she was the one.

Snakes?

Snakes!

Well, that's great, Kit, but regarding the next race...

Ain't gonna be no next race.

I'm retiring.

Retiring?

That's right, folks.

Won't be no more racing because life is too short.

- (phone ringing) - We're done with this whole deal here.

Yeah?

Too bad, Arliss.

It's back to ten to nine.

The streak is over.

No, no. Technically, he was still a client of mine for 37 days.

Nice try, Arliss.

You know the rules, six months on the roster.

Move over, the new order replaced with the old.

That's Shakespeare. You should know him.

He's a very, very old writer.

But... But...

(line clicks, dial tone)

Shit!

Arliss, have you seen Laura?

Laura?

You mean your intern?

Your coxswain?

Your highly qualified assistant?

Yeah, I'm a little concerned.

She hasn't come in in two days and she hasn't called me.

Do you know why?

Because she's busy giving my client's life purpose and meaning.

Well, is that so bad?

She stole my client!

- What? - She ran off with Bellew.

He retired.

Well, at least he didn't crash and die.

He didn't care!

Boss.

Kirby, where the hell have you been?

Um, recruiting.

Good. Good.

At least someone here is helping me.

How'd it go?

Umm, I've got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is

I signed one of Maroni's clients.

Yes, yes, yes!

The streak lives!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

What's the bad news?

Um... H-He, um...

Mr. Carlisle?

Mr. Carlisle would've wanted you to have this.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Arliss, you're here.

Yeah, I wanted to, um, meet the client before we buried him.

Oh, thanks for coming.

I feel terrible.

My streak is over.

Maybe I am slipping.

Maybe I am getting old.

Old?

You know you're really getting old

when your pill box is bigger than your tackle box.

(objects clatter)

(Arliss sighs) So, now that it's over,

what is it all about?

Hey, Arliss.

Charles Woodson.

What are you doing here?

Mr. Carlisle was my grandfather's best buddy.

He used to take me fishing when I was a kid.

Aw, really?

Kirby Carlisle was one of my favorite clients.

- He was one of your clients? - Yeah.

How long did you represent him?

Oh, um... this long.

You know, arliss, I think I made a mistake by signing with Mr. Brenner.

Any room on your roster?

Arliss: Where do clients come from?

My reputation speaks for itself.

I'd hate to take you away from Jeremy,

but let me give you my home number.

Do you have a pen?

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

(upbeat music, vocalizing)