Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

- (bell rings) - it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashes)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): When you represent as many clients as I do,

it's inevitable that some will end up

competing against each other.

On those occasions,

I always strive to maintain complete impartiality.

What a win, I mean total domination!

I'm sitting there going "Touchdown! Michael Irvin!

Touchdown! Michael Irvin!"

Yeah, but could you really tell, man?

Tell McDonald sittin' up on the line of scrimmage

trying to be physical and push me.

But you know, if you push me,

- I'm gonna push him back. - You know what the good thing is?

The refs let you play.

Yeah, but it was a good, clean, physical game

and that's the way the refs should be in the game.

Good, clean, physical game. Good football that was.

(somber music)

Jimmy, come on, it's not your fault.

I mean you played a helluva game.

That goddamn Michael Irvin pushed off me the whole game.

Yeah, the refs are such pussies.

Not once do they have the guts to throw a flag.

Yeah, fucking Dallas,

they've been getting away with that stuff for years.

Yeah, well, personally, I'm not a big fan of that team, you know.

(Chanting) Go, Arliss, go!

Go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Go Arliss, go Arliss!

Vent, let it out, let it out.

That's good, that's good. That's good for ya.

Arliss (narrating): However, try as one might to remain impartial,

there are certain clients who you root

just a little bit harder for.

My name is Chet Smitrovich,

and I'm a recovering steroids abuser.

Hi, Chet.

I first started using steroids

when I was in high school.

The league has already caught me twice.

Once more, I'm out of pro-football.

The shit makes you stronger, faster,

makes you hit harder,

but the fact is, steroids destroy your body.

Smitty's come a long way, hasn't he?

Damn, I wish they had beer at my meetings.

Girl: Steroids made me violent.

I pounded on my old man's head

like it was a speed bag!

My liver's shot, my heart's palpitating,

- and my hair's starting to fall out. - Man: Geez.

My balls, they... they shrunk to the size of macadamia nuts.

Ooh! Ooh!

Now I thought I needed steroids to compete,

but I'm determined to stay off the juice,

and not just to save my career,

but to save my life.

(applause)

Hey, come on,

we gotta get to the game, okay?

Arliss (narrating): My clients know I'm there

for each and every one of them.

But if they have to go head to head in battle,

let the chips fall where they may.

Pot's right, here we go.

Down cards, my man, Smitty.

The bus, Jerome Bettis.

The bus is getting ready to roll.

Arliss: To my man, Kirby.

Anything wild?

No! No!

David Winfield, my boyhood idol.

Hey, you're old enough to be my daddy.

To tailback extraordinaire, my man, Quinton Halloway.

And I'm gonna deal the last card,

last card, here we go.

Let's go, baby, I haven't had a winner all night.

Some guy holding out

ain't gonna get any sympathy out of me.

Yeah, by the way, nice game you didn't play last week.

Kirby: Hey, I'm the one that got screwed!

I got Quinton on my rotisserie team!

The whole yard you didn't gain last week,

I might as well have Jackie Jizz.

All: Who?

Jackie Jizz?!

Nevermind.

Arliss: Guys, guys, guys,

lay off of Quinton here, ya know?

He's not holding out, he's injured.

Chet: Oh yeah, sure.

What's the matter with him?

You know.

Bruised ribs?

Yeah.

Pulled hamstring?

- Sore Achilles? - Killer.

Oh, the same thing I had when you held me out?

Exactly.

(all laugh)

I mean come on, the guy made All-Pro last year.

You know what the club's offering?

A two-year contract extension

without a guaranteed signing bonus.

What the hell is that?

Arliss is right. You gotta strike while the iron is hot.

Winfield: They need you, man.

You took them to the playoffs last year.

Now football is not like baseball,

you gotta get that bonus.

It's the only thing that's guaranteed.

Two... Smitty?

Out.

Yeah, Arliss got me $4.6 million up front.

- What's the bet? - Two dollars.

Oh, that's too rich for my blood.

Oh, I guess the bus stops here, huh?

(all laugh)

Two and two.

- Ooh! - Forget it.

I'm out.

(sniffing)

I smell a bluff.

Put your money where your nose is.

Ooh!

Call.

Looking at a straight.

Oh, baby.

(whistles)

Aces full.

(all howling)

You gotta love this game.

Don't feel bad Kirby, you came in second.

(all laugh)

Dammit.

Arliss: Okay, let's go...

I gotta get going.

It's only ten o'clock.

He's a baby, gotta get his sleep.

Dad wants me working out at the track at 6:00.

Good.

Chet: What are you practicing for?

You ain't gonna play us on Sunday!

You never know about that.

Uh, deal me out this hand, guys.

Yo, yo, yo Quinton.

Hey, man.

Look, um, don't let those guys get to you.

I mean they're jocks.

I mean, you know, they're just busting your balls.

It's just that missing pre-season was one thing,

but now the team is 0-1.

It's not just me that wants to play.

My dad, he's sort of pushing me.

That's because he doesn't understand the situation.

Look, if you'd like,

I'll come by tomorrow and talk to him.

Thanks, Arliss, I'd appreciate it.

Oh hell, don't... Don't appreciate it.

It's my job. I'll take care of it.

Oh, uh, I'll cash those chips in for you.

Thanks, Arliss.

Arliss (narrating): I look out for all my athletes.

I encourage them to reach for the peak

of their performance,

to strive for that climactic moment

they know will come.

Yes, oh yes! Yes!

Oh, hold it, higher, higher.

(Rita groans)

You know, you could have done one more.

You know, if you had a life

you wouldn't have to be here all the time, Lexi.

(both laugh)

It's important to feel the burn.

Perhaps that's why you walk across the finish line

at the Silver Lake 10K every year.

I don't walk across the finish line,

I power walk across the finish line.

(chuckling)

Didn't you suffer enough humiliation last year?

Vomiting on the medic?

That's a lovely dye job you have there, Lexi.

(scoffs)

Surely you know I'm a natural blond.

Surely you know that we shower together.

I'll see you on Sunday.

You'll see my butt as I cross the finish line ahead of you.

Care to place a wager on that?

Say $100?

Make it $200 and you're on.

(Rita breathing heavy)

(thudding)

Hey, Arliss.

Rita... Rita?

Where's Arliss?

He went to go talk to Quinton. What's this?

It's an order form for a new video club.

"A Fist Full of Love", "Good Moaning Vietnam",

"The best of Jackie Jizz"?

My man.

"Sticky Videos XXX Collection."

What does this come with?

Popcorn and hand lotion?!

No, no, no, you get six free videos when you sign up.

I already got mine.

I need you to do me a favor,

sign right here and I get six more.

You gotta be kidding!

I'd do it for you.

Oh, shit.

What?

Oh, my shoes.

How am I supposed to race Lexi in these?

Lexi, the little dike Lexi?

She's not gay.

She turned me down.

(snorts)

Well, if you'd really like to win this race,

I believe you'll be following me.

Kirby, what are we doing in the supply...?!

Shh, follow me.

(humming)

Open sesame.

Oh, my God!

It's all the promotional freebies.

I thought the clients got this stuff.

Oh, are you kidding?

Arliss "Ababa" thinks of this as his treasure.

Son-of-a-bitch gave me this for Christmas!

He said it was one of a kind!

Cute!

Oh, this is cute.

Not so fast.

And for your bonus tape,

I would like you to check "Booty and the Beast."

That's it son, you're looking good.

Come on now.

You gotta burn off those banana pancakes

your mom made last night.

What do you mean you're ending his "hold out"?

You heard me, he's playing.

You told me this would all be over

before the regular season started.

Mr. Holloway, if he steps out on that field,

I lose my leverage.

If we're patient, we can get a five-year deal

with a multimillion dollar signing bonus.

This team has a chance to go to the Super Bowl, Mr. Michaels.

Because of your holding him out,

his team's 0-1.

Great, think of the leverage we'll have

if they go 0-2.

Don't you care at all about the success of the team?

Frankly, I care less about the success of the team

than I do the welfare of your son.

The team cares about my son too.

They've offered him a two-year contract extension.

Without a signing bonus!

Mr. Halloway, with all due respect,

football isn't like baseball or basketball.

There are no guaranteed contracts.

If your son gets hurt,

the only thing that's assured is the up front money.

That's why you've got to get a signing bonus.

You do what you have to do, Mr. Michaels.

But my boy's playing on Sunday

with or without a new deal.

Alright, son, there you go.

Yeah, you're looking real good there.

Home stretch, here we go!

Bob, good news.

Quinton's clavicle is really starting to respond.

I thought he pulled a hammy?

It moved to his chest.

Anyway, I've discovered a new treatment

that's really gonna help move things along.

Well, if you're talking about a five-year cure, forget it.

No, no, this treatment only takes four years

and a little pill for a bonus.

Make it a two-year cure and take that pill

and shove it up your ass.

What are you gonna do? Shove it up the fan's ass too?

You're already 0-1.

We don't give signing bonuses

for contract extensions.

That would set a team precedent.

So, set a precedent, be a maverick.

Arliss, life is too short

and your bullshit is too long.

Goodbye.

(line disconnects)

No! Bob, Bob, Bob.

- Goddammit. - (phone speed dialing)

Oh, wait a minute here.

(line ringing)

What is all this?

Oh, it's for my race.

I got it from Shoe World.

Oh, you shouldn't have paid for all this stuff,

I could have got it for you for half price.

Woman: Bob Whitney's office.

Cheap bastard.

Yes, Arliss Michaels for Bob Whitney.

Woman: I'm sorry but he's not in.

What do you mean he's not there?

I just got off the phone with him two seconds ago.

Woman: Would you like him to return your call?

Yes, I would appreciate it if he'd return.

Kirby!

What's up, boss?

Oh Kirby, Quinton's ending his hold out.

Whitney caved in?

- No, no, Quinton's father is insisting - (phone rings)

He play Sunday.

- (groans) - Yeah, I know, well, don't blame me.

I mean, what the hell could I do? My hands are tied.

You know, you got him a two-year extension.

Yeah, but without a bonus.

If he would have held out just a little longer, I coulda...

Jimmy Johnson, line one.

Jimmy Johnson, what's he want?

Jimmy J., how's the majordomo

of the Miami Dolphins?

Arliss, where in the hell is Smitrovich?

Have you tried the practice field?

Smitrovich left early,

he said he had a family emergency.

What kind of family emergency?

Jimmy, I...

Uh, yeah, I just heard his grandmother just broke her hip

and the only one taking care of her is her mother

and she's not feeling well.

I'm sure he'll be back just as soon as humanly possible.

He had better be.

Later.

What's going on?

Arliss, they're gonna test me.

So, what? You don't know the defensive schemes?

No man, test me for steroids.

But you're...

Shit.

When'd you start using again?

I started to get the shit kicked out of me

in training camp.

So all the time you were at the meetings,

you were just...

Oh Smitty, you know what happens if you get caught this time?

That's why I had to get out of there.

Okay. (sighs) So what do you want to do?

I want to play.

How the hell are you gonna play?

I need a masking agent.

You gotta get me to a guru.

- No. - Arliss.

- I'm not. - Arliss, I need your help.

Smitty, this is dangerous stuff.

I'm worried about your future.

Well, I'm worried about where I'm at right now!

Dammit Arliss, I'm worried about that rookie

who's trying to take my fucking job!

I'm worried about getting crushed

by 240 pound running backs!

Smitty, listen to me.

You are playing with fire here.

Arliss, how long do I have left?

♪ ♪

So you're gonna help me?

- No. - Arliss.

I'm not.

Sure, I know a steroids guru.

Good, then you'll, um...

- Take Smitty to him? - I don't know anything about it.

What, you don't know anything about Smitty taking steroids

or you don't know anything about helping him mask?

Are you sure you can't come, Arliss?

I'd sure like you there, man.

I don't know anything about it.

Kirby: Oh, I get it.

You want me to take Smitty to the guru

but keep you out of the loop?

I don't know anything about it.

Kirby: We never had this conversation.

We've never even met.

Kirby, just shut up and get the hell out of here.

Let's go, champ.

I'll drive.

Woman: Oh, hi, how are you?

- I cannot believe what is going on. - What's going on?

- You're supporting steroid use. - I don't know anything about it.

- Don't give me the bullshit, cause I heard everything. - Then un-hear it.

The man is taking illegal drugs.

Steroids are not illegal drugs.

Performance enhancing substances.

He's cheating and you're an enabler.

A survey asked 200 Olympic athletes

if they would take an illegal

but undetectable substance that would guarantee them

a gold medal.

Three said "no".

Still it is not right.

I am not getting into this argument.

Smitty is a client, he wants to play.

My job as an agent is to service the client.

Fuck being an agent, what about being his friend?!

Meaning what?

Meaning what about the risks?

What about the long term side effects?

What about the fact that you're allowing him

to destroy his body?

Excuse me?!

Who is the person who's always arguing

that what a person does with their own body

is their own business?

It's his body, it's his call.

But you're helping him and that sucks.

- (knocking) - What?!

- Arliss man, you got a sec? - Hey, hey, Quinton, come on in here.

Rita, will you excuse us?!

Of course.

Hey my man, how's it going?

I just want to say that I know that

what you're doing is probably the best thing for business,

but my dad, he's sort of "old school".

Oh Quinton, don't worry, I understand.

I hate to be in the middle of this.

All I want to do is play.

Well, then you better get ready to play by Sunday,

and let me worry about Whitney, okay? Okay?

I hope he doesn't manhandle us

on "The Jim Rome Show".

What are you talking about?

Whitney's gonna be on "The Jim Rome Show" today.

- Today? - Today.

(dog barking)

Worms.

Man: Mr. Carlisle?

Boy, thanks for squeezing us in, doc.

No problem.

I saw you in the Super Bowl in Miami.

You had a helluva game.

Yeah, thanks.

So what are we masking?

Well, I'm stacking nandrolene and stanozolol.

And where are you?

In the middle of a six week cycle.

Alright.

A little ethacrynic acid and some triamterene,

and we'll turn your urine into Canadian glacial water.

You gotta pet or anything?

He's great with those too.

There you go.

Bring on that specimen cup.

Alright, thanks.

Listen doc,

there's something else I could use.

Kirby, I've told you,

I dabble in athletic performance,

not sexual.

Oh no, it's not for me.

It's not.

I brought you a little treat.

I prefer my treats from Starbucks.

Oh no, this is better than a frappuccino.

Especially if you want revenge on Sunday.

What?

Do you think that I am gonna take some drugs

just to beat someone in a 10K?

What, drugs?

This is a... it's a power elixir.

(chuckles) It'll give you a little boost.

Oh, get out of my sight.

This is more obscene

than your disgusting video habit.

(scoffs)

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Yes, it is.

Oh, Lexi.

I was just sitting here

getting all excited about Sunday.

Oh well, don't get too excited

'cause you might pop your spandex.

I just wanted you to know

that I'm going to send you a survival kit.

Air sickness bag, Pampers...

Oh, and a flashlight in case you finish in the dark.

(laughing)

Bite me.

Cunt.

♪ ♪

(rock music plays)

Welcome back, you're in the jungle.

I'm Jim Rome, and we are talking San Diego football

with general manager, Bob Whitney.

Now, Bob, you guys are 0-1,

your offense is a joke.

Without Quinton Halloway, you're over.

What up with his injury?

Oh, it's just one game.

Now, we saw a lot of positives.

Now as far as Quinton Halloway goes,

maybe you should talk to his agent, Dr. Arliss Michaels.

He seems to be the one who has his medical records.

Now let's check with the listeners

as we go to the phones.

"A-Dog" in Brentwood, you're on the air.

Man: Romey, you are right.

San Diego's going nowhere without Quinton Halloway.

As for the extent of his injury,

I just want to set the record straight

(echoing): because the fans of San Diego,

they've got a right to know the truth.

Well, guess who just grabbed a vine?

The maestro of manipulation himself,

Arliss Michaels.

Arliss, Whitney here

has been cracking you like a mother.

(echoing) Well, first off...

(phone beeps)

first off, let me assure the great fans of San Diego

that Quinton Halloway will be in uniform

just as soon as he is healthy to play.

But I must say,

all this trade talk has been very unsettling.

Trade talk, what trade talk?

Bob, is this true?

We have no intention of trading Quinton Halloway.

Especially for what they're offering,

two twos and a three, Jim, do you make that trade?

Not unless I was on drugs.

No wonder the fans are getting all pissed off. Romey, take a call.

Alright, Malcolm in Escondido, you're in the jungle.

David (on phone): If Whitney trades Quinton Halloway,

all the fans should burn their season tickets

and start a bonfire they can see

all the way from the Mir Station.

Good take. Rack that call.

Randy, from Valencia, you're next up in the jungle.

Have a take, don't suck.

Jerome (on phone): Make the trade, make the trade, I love the trade.

Wait, why?

Because I'm a Steelers fan and without Halloway,

you guys won't score a point.

Steelers rule! Out!

This is Arliss, pulling a bunch of shit.

Easy Bob, no four letter bombs, please.

We're not trading Quinton Halloway.

That would be tragic because you and I

are a lot closer seeing Quinton play than you might think.

Oh really, how close are we?

His injury's really responding to medication.

Remember we started off at five treatments a day,

then we went down to four, now we're down to three.

Three, really?

Still I wouldn't like to risk an injury.

I'd feel a lot more comfortable if it was two.

Two might be pushing it.

It's two.

Two, huh?

Guys, the switchboard is about to melt down,

I need a phone call.

However, if Quinton Halloway

can get to the field on Sunday with two,

I would consider that a precedent.

A precedent?

That would be a bonus, wouldn't it?

I would agree to that.

Hey, you guys ever think about maybe a contract extension?

Sorry, Romey. I never negotiate through the media.

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): Different agents have different priorities.

I pride myself in that my players play.

Bob: Miraculous recovery.

You know, he power of the mind-body connection.

Arliss (narrating): Sometimes it means meeting people half way.

- Other times it means enabling an aging player - (urinating)

To continue his career.

Wanna take a picture?

Arliss (narrating): And then sometimes

it's a totally unique situation.

(laughing)

(panting)

Yes, great!

I won, I won!

Great race, Rita.

I did it! Oh, the bitch is dead!

Oh man, how do you feel?

You feel good. What is that?

(Rita screaming)

Arliss (narrating): Whatever the situation, I do whatever it takes.

That's why my players play.

♪ ♪

(bones snapping)

Injuries, of course,

are an unavoidable part of sports.

Some are minor,

some are serious,

and some are absolutely devastating.

(beeping)

Well, he's out of danger

and we'll know more after surgery.

Yeah.

Thanks, doc.

Dad?

I hurt.

Now don't you worry, son.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Isn't that right, Mr. Michaels?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

In fact, I'm holding a spot for you

in next week's poker game.

(knocking)

Is it alright if I come in?

Sure.

Man, I'm real sorry.

It, um, it just...

It just made me sick to my stomach when it happened.

I know exactly how you feel.

It's okay, man, clean hit.

It's part of the game.

Look, um...

I've got to... I'll be back first thing in the morning.

I just, uh...

I just gotta get out of here.

Mr. Michaels, before you go,

I just want to thank you for what you did for my boy.

♪ ♪

What I did?

Getting that bonus money up front.

Thank God.

You were right.

Just doing my job.

Arliss (narrating): After the game is over,

after the cheers have died down,

one must look at one's self in the mirror and ask,

"Did I do whatever it took the help my client?"

In the end,

the only one who can answer that is me.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪