Original subtitles

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): An agent is nothing if not his reputation.

So while other agents search first

for speed, finesse, and power in an athlete,

I look for character.

That's why my clients make headlines on the field,

rather than off it.

(trash clatters)

Shabazz, my man, you keepin' in shape?

Yeah, I'm keepin' in shape.

Man, with this damn road work,

the fat is burnin' right off me, look.

You need to concentrate on getting me a legitimate job.

I did! I told the Marlins you'd be ready by February.

Oh, February? Come on!

Arliss, I'm in the best shape of my life. Fuck that!

- I could pitch nine innings right... - (gun cocks)

So, I take the 405 to the, uh...

134.

- And that'll lead you right into the 5. - To the 5, right?

- Right. No problem, sir. - Okay, thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

See, now that's what I call community service.

Arliss (narrating): My job is to find jobs.

So if an athlete has strong moral timber,

I don't have to resort to tricks to get him work.

Announcer: Here's Holt scrambling.

Moving to his right!

Scrambling as only he can!

Throwing!

Touchdown!

Has there ever been a greater quarterback to come off...

What do you think?

Quite an arm.

He just threw a ball from the 20 in New York

into the end zone in Kansas City.

I did a little editing.

I can't believe that you got your cousin, Al to do the voice over.

What's family for?

Tu da familia!

You have no shame.

I just want to show Orson Stickels

just how valuable his backup quarterback is.

Especially when I'm going after some of that

$17.6 billion TV money.

Oh! Don't get too greedy.

Theo Holt only played four games last year.

Ah, but he came off the bench to win all four games.

He's still a backup.

Look, sooner or later, the starting quarterback

of any team is going down.

Any franchise serious about winning

knows they've got to have a first-rate second-string quarterback.

Oh, especially one that throws TD passes 1500 miles.

(knocking on door)

Arliss!

Theo! My man!

Speak of the devil. Rita, look at this guy.

Ten years in the league and still at nine percent body fat.

- Eight. - Hello, Theo.

Rita. Love the suit. What is that? Armani?

Oh! Your discerning eye is slipping.

Lagerfeld.

Wow. If Michaelangelo were alive today...

If only you weren't a client.

I can come back.

Or you can go.

(annoyed) Okay.

- Bye. Here. Take a seat. - (door opens)

So, any word from Stickels yet?

He's flying in today, but don't worry.

We've got the leverage here.

He's got to resign you.

I mean, you know their west coast offense.

The fans love the way when you get 'em to center,

with your trademark finger wiggle, barking out signals.

Blue 33!

(chuckles)

Hut, hut, hut! Take the snap! Drop back, drop back!

- Looking, looking, looking! - I got the car!

- (body thuds) - Oh, hey.

Theo, check this out.

Ooh! This... this is some sweet looking road rage. This your rig, man?

No, I got it for a client.

Arliss, we got...

We gotta go see this guy later on this afternoon.

Arliss, man, since when did you become Auto Nation?

Oh, well, we're a full-service agency, you know.

Contracts, cars, concussions.

Stickels, line... one.

Stickels.

Hoo-ha!

Oh, watch this. Arliss is really gonna stick it to Old Man Stickels.

Morning, Orson. Did you get the tape of your bang-up, back-up quarterback?

Sure did. Hell of an arm.

Threw the ball from 1994 clear to 1997.

(chuckles) Listen, your 4-0 quarterback

is ready to resign a three year deal,

but only if you'll go 4 and 0

and 0, and 0, and 0, and 0.

Oh, I don't think so.

We're cutting Theo loose.

Wait. Run that by me again.

This is when he's at his best.

I'm sorry, Arliss.

Put that doggie in the window.

He's for sale.

Where?

Wha... oh my God!

Oh, thank God for airbags.

I tell ya, that's why I would never buy a house on stilts.

Okay, okay, right.

Go ahead, go ahead, no, of course.

You go take care of what you gotta take care of and we'll pick this up later.

Oh, and Orson? You have my prayers.

What happened?

Oh, family emergency.

But I must say, I'm encouraged by what I'm hearing.

Theo, since Arliss is setting you up with a nice, fat extension,

how 'bout I set you up with a little Lamborghini?

Yeah, alright. I can't wait to see.

So, Arliss, where we gonna go eat?

Man, I forgot! Theo, I can't have lunch with you today.

I gotta go give a deposition.

Snowboarders. (scoffs)

Oh! Yeah, I hear you, man.

Look, why don't you and Rita go have lunch?

On me. My treat.

- Rita... - Let's go. Don't wait.

Wait! Theo!

Party at Anton's Friday night.

More cream-filled Suzie Q's than a 7-11.

You in? Haven't missed one yet, baby.

Arliss, I'll be sitting by the phone.

You got it!

Arliss (narrating): Agents have a reputation for being rude and obnoxious.

I, for one, don't believe in the hard sell.

So, the jerk takes his sweater off,

guy takes one look, he says,

"Tara Lapinski?

I thought you said Monica Lewinsky!"

(all laugh)

Let me get that!

Arliss!

You don't have to do that.

No, no, no, no! I insist!

For Orson Stickels and Ken Norton, Jr,

there is such a thing as a free lunch.

Arliss Michaels picking up a check?

- There's a first. - No, a first would be an athlete picking up the check.

(laughs) Ken, would you excuse me for one second?

Orson, I spoke with Theo,

and we've agreed that a two-year deal will be satisfactory.

It's not a question of years, Arliss.

Okay, okay, then, what if we back-end the contract with the performance bonus,

rather than guarantees. You can roll 'em over...

No, you don't get it, Arliss.

We, uh...

We question his, uh, desire.

"Question his desire?" Wait.

- Yesterday... - Yesterday, Jim McMahon wasn't available.

Jim McMahon?

Why don't you just sign Y.A. Tittle?

I'm sorry, Arliss.

This just isn't gonna work out.

- Wait, wait, wait. - Thanks for lunch. Let's go, Ken.

Listen, O-Orson! K-Ken!

For the dogs.

Arliss (narrating): A quality agent is constantly using all his resources

to get opportunities for the client.

Never scrimp.

Arliss always says, "You must spend money to make money."

I don't tip on tax.

Hi, is Bob Kraft there?

What time will he be back?

Okay, when, uh, Mr. Kraft gets back,

will you tell him that Arliss Michaels called

with something very special?

Thank you.

Is Theo with you?

No, but we had a delightful lunch.

Theo picked out a very provocative Bordeaux.

Great, maybe I can get him a job as a sommelier.

What are you talking about?

Orson Stickels was red hot on resigning Theo when suddenly boom.

He drops him like a radioactive potato. Why?

Oh, you know why.

The league still can't stomach a black quarterback.

What are you talking about?

There are half a dozen black quarterbacks in the league.

How many of them are backups?

Between him and a white guy,

management's gonna do the white thing. It's racial.

No, no. I refuse to believe it's a black/white thing.

The only color these guys give a shit about is green.

Speaking of which, here's the bill for lunch.

(sighs)

I have spent $300 today for lunch

and I haven't even eaten yet.

I can't believe my dealership say there's a one year wait for this car.

And you can get it for me in two weeks?

(laughs) Thanks, Kirby.

Look, my source is a broker, not a dealer.

It's appointment only basis,

so let me handle the negotiations,

I'll get ya a good deal.

And what's your strategy?

You know, I'm gonna get him up on the ropes.

Waken him with some body punches,

and then I'll just drop him with a right hook.

But, uh, what if he does this?

That's why I got you along.

- So, who are we meeting? Keyser Soze? - (laughs)

Mr. Carlisle.

Marty! Marty Rossi.

- This is Oscar De La Hoya. - Mr. De La Hoya.

It is an honor.

Welcome to my showroom.

Please, this way. Your car is right over here.

Okay. Let me handle this.

Don't screw it up.

Gentlemen, the Ferrari S-355...

Spider!

(whistles appreciatively)

Engine modified to increase power to 428 BHP.

For a 0 to 60 time of 4.7 seconds.

And a top speed of 191 miles per hour.

Oh, baby!

AP racing brake?

Standard.

BBS Wheels?

Calsonic stainless steel port exhaust?

That's extra.

For someone else.

I want it standard.

No can do.

(whispers) Go to the body.

Look, you walk into a Beverly Hills showroom,

this shit is going to cost you $140,000.

I'll give it to you for $125,000.

$100,000.

$125,000. Firm.

One... two... three...

(scoffs)

Look, I'm no stranger to negotiating, Mr. Rossi.

You know, I'm not some lay-down schmuck from off the street.

You have no overhead here. There's no sales people.

There's no inflatable gorilla on the roof.

There's no balloons for the kids.

You move off $125,000...

or Kirby Carlisle walks.

- (snaps fingers) - I said serious buyers only, Mr. Carlisle.

Seven... eight...

nine...

Throw in a cup holder!

The Patriots need Theo Holt.

Bob Kraft needs Theo Holt. You need Theo Holt.

Arliss, there are certain things with the chemistry of the team.

There's nuances.

The guys in the huddle, they gotta believe in this guy.

I don't think they believe in Theo.

But they definitely believe in Zolack.

Zolack?!

Who the hell's Zolack? Nobody knows Zolack!

I bet you can't even spell his name!

- Come on now. - Okay! Spell Zolack!

Zolack?

Z-O...

It doesn't really matter. You guy just isn't right.

- Bye bye. - Shit.

Hey Arliss, no offense, but your sister's color scheme stinks.

I mean, we're supposed to be in the wedding party for God's sake,

not the band.

This from a man who wore a yellow blazer to work.

Hey, it was the style of the time.

Arliss, tell him it was the style of the time.

Arliss.

- What? - Are... are you there?

What's going on?

Al, I don't get it.

Suddenly, I can't get Theo Holt a job.

I mean, he's a damn good back-up quarterback, right?

I think better than half the starting quarterbacks in the league.

You know, I'd never admit this before, but you know,

maybe there is a black/white thing going on here.

Arliss, it's not a black/white thing.

What are you talking about?

You didn't hear it from me, but...

But what? What?

You know why Orson Stickels dumped Theo Holt?

Oh, I think we all do.

It's as clear as black and white.

No, it's as clear as black and puce.

There's a rumor going around that Theo Holt is gay.

Theo Holt likes to sing into the mic?

- No way! - Well, whether he does or he doesn't,

That's the rumor. It's a rumor that could destroy a football player's career.

Look, there's no way!

Theo and I have chased tail together.

He's been my wingman on a dozen missions.

Did he ever down any planes?

Rita: Now, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Every Sunday, grown men in tight pants get together,

jump on top of each other,

roll around, get up, pat each other on the ass,

and then 30 seconds later, do it again.

If Theo Holt is gay, then he shouldn't be ostracized.

- He should be made Commissioner. - You don't understand.

Football is all about machismo.

There is no greater pariah in pro-football than homosexuality.

Look, I'm not saying it's right,

I'm just saying that's the way it is.

There is no way that Theo Holt is gay!

You know, he is like no jock I know.

He's smart, articulate,

never speaks of himself in the third person.

I-I'm getting a blip on the gaydar.

Okay, okay, okay.

I know what I gotta do.

If I'm gonna get Theo a job...

I gotta find out the truth.

How?

I'm gonna ask him point blank.

Oh, you're gonna ask Theo if he's... if he's gay.

Oh, I'd love to be a fly on the wall for this one.

Well, spread your wings cause you're going with me.

No, no, no, no. I gotta pick up Oscar De La Hoya's Ferrari.

- They finished detailing it. - Well, I-I can do it.

- Can they deliver? - I'll ask.

I said I can do it!

- You know, it's... it's... - It's a liability thing.

- Exactly. - I said I can do it!

You don't trust my driving, do you?

- It's because I'm... - No, no. This has nothing to do with you being Asian.

I meant because I'm a woman!

Woman, Asian, Macrobiotic, Vegetarian. We could care less!

Both: You're a lousy driver!

Remember, guys, I keep a harassment journal.

Okay, surface streets only. No shopping.

- No right turns on red lights. No shopping. - Absolutely.

- Arliss: No stopping for lunch. No stopping to meet a friend. - (clutch grinds)

No shopping.

No tea or saying hi to somebody.

No shopping.

- There. - (car thuds)

(horn honks)

Rita: Uh-oh.

No.

Hi.

(crying) Please don't write me a ticket. Please don't write me a ticket.

Arliss (narrating): Some people say you are what you drive.

But I can tell a lot about a client,

after just one visit to their home.

Kirby: He can't be a 'mo. He can't be a 'mo.

Can't be a 'mo. He can't be a 'mo.

(doorbell rings)

Kirby, Kirby, Kirby.

- He can't be. - Knock it off.

Hello!

Hi!

I'm Arliss Michaels.

I'm Tiffany.

Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

Hi. Come on in.

Sure.

Ah! Nothing like a woman's touch.

Tiffany, how long have you been with Theo?

Oh, I've had the account for about a year.

- The account? - Mm-hmm.

I take care of Theo's plants.

He has the most amazing collection of orchids.

Come on. Come this way.

He's right in here.

He's just finishing up his workout.

(grunting)

Oh, hey guys! Come on in!

I'll wait out here.

(grunts)

Look, I'll play anywhere you get me a gig.

But I am gonna miss San Francisco.

I was part of the community there.

Really? Uh, what community?

I don't know.

The whole community.

(grunts) Arliss, man, get behind me.

Hey man, you know I'm behind ya. I'm always behind you.

100% Don't ever forget it.

No, man. Physically.

Come on, man. You gotta get behind me, baby, come on.

Arliss, what are you waiting on, man?

You gotta get behind me!

- Get right behind me. - Yep.

(grunting)

Let's take it back, let's take it back.

(weights clang)

(groans)

Oh, man.

Felt a twinge in my back.

See, I don't get it. (grunt)

I won four games.

I get along with everybody.

Did you ask Stickels what the problem was?

Hell, yeah! I mean, come on! You know me.

Arliss "Shoot From the Hip" Michaels.

But, uh, he wouldn't elaborate.

Maybe he's just pissed off at you for some reason.

I mean, w-what'd you do?

Hit on his wife? Kick his dog? Try to suck his cock?

Rip him in the media, steal his Sunday paper,

try to stick your tongue down this throat?

No, man, none of the above.

Hey, why don't you rub some of this on my stinger?

Beg your pardon?

My rhomboids, man, in the middle of my back.

Oh, sure.

(sighs) Oh, man.

(squirt)

No, baby, you gotta go deeper than that.

Come on, let's go deep.

Come on. Oh, yeah.

Get up... get up in there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, there you go. There you go!

You're pretty good at this.

- You sure you haven't done this before? - Positive.

Theo: Oh, yeah.

(Theo moans)

Theo: (grunts) Come on, Arliss. Come on.

Go deeper, kid, come on.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

(Theo moans)

You gotta go deeper than that, Arliss. Come on. Yeah, there ya go.

There you go. Yeah.

Mmm! Oh, yeah!

Oh, that feels good. That feels good, man.

Yeah! (moans) Yeah.

(coughs)

Go in there. Oh, yeah.

- (mouths) - (moans)

(mouthing)

Theo: And there. (moans)

(door closes)

So, uh, when you were rubbing his back

was there any response?

- Come on, come on. - You know, did he moan?

- Kirby, it's not funny. - Did he wood?

- You know, if you don't want anybody to know, that's cool. - Is he or isn't he?

I'm getting ready to pop the question, right?

And I'm there, and suddenly it hits me right between the eyes.

- Mmm? - It's nobody's goddamn business!

Oh. Wussed out, huh?

(speaks Italian)

No, no, what is my business

is that I get on the horn and find this guy a job.

Did you get the car?

Yeah, yeah.

Where is it?

Outside.

- (snaps fingers) - Okay, wait, wait! Guys, before you go.

See, the car. There's something I have to tell you, okay?

So, I was driving the car back,

I'm taking surface streets only,

and, um, this baby stroller,

it runs out in front of me. It... wait!

Kirby: What?!

Oscar de la Hoya just spent $125,000 for this!

Look what you did to it!

- (wails) - It's just a teeny weeny little scratch.

Unfortunately, there's no such thing

as a teeny weeny repair though on a Ferrari.

- (wails) - There is, however, such a thing

As a teeny weeny year-end bonus!

- Hey! - No, no! You drove it! You smashed it.

You pay for it. Start getting estimates.

I-I got work to do.

All you can do is think of yourself!

Do you know this is my fifth moving violation in two years?!

They're gonna suspend my license!

Well, good! Now people can come out of their homes!

(wails)

I did you a favor!

Jack, your quarterback is one concussion away

from being a ward of the state.

Theo Holt is an established backup.

Yeah, thanks.

What do you mean "Theo doesn't fit in your scheme?"

The team has won five games in four years.

- What's your scheme? Losing? - (line clicks)

(dial tone)

What do you mean "Theo can't read defenses?"

The man was a Rhodes scholar.

He can read defenses in Latin.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

"Weak arm," my ass!

Burt, why don't you say what's really on your mind? Come on! Say it, say it!

You know the military's more tolerant than you guys.

(beep)

(Arliss sighs)

$2700?!

For a scratch?!

No! Thank you!

(receiver clatters)

(sobs)

(crying)

(clears throat)

Oh, excuse me. Um... can I help you?

I'm Officer Seimers.

You hit my vehicle today.

You have destroyed my life.

Because you wrote me up,

I got my license suspended.

And now...

I have to take public transit.

If you'll allow me, I'd like to change that.

(crying) Well, yeah.

What are you doing next Saturday night?

What?!

(sighs)

There's aways Canada.

This is bullshit.

Players can spit at the fans, drag their girlfriends down a flight of stairs,

smoke crack, drive drunk, and that's okay.

They can play football!

But Theo, they got a problem with.

Hell, if he was a felon, I'd have him on a roster in 24 hours.

Do you like clubbing?

Not LAPD clubbing, like music clubbing.

Who doesn't, right?

You have got to be kidding.

Next Saturday, go clubbing with me,

maybe Monday, this could all disappear.

I would rather walk the Sahara

in my Jellies than go out with you.

(snickers) Hey, babe, it's just a date.

Now what is your badge number because I'm gonna write it down?

Whoa, whoa, you are overreacting here.

You know, besides, in a court of law,

it's just your word against mine.

Arliss: And mine!

Hey, I'm just trying to help her out here.

Uh-huh. By leveraging her into a date?!

I wonder what your superiors would think

of your community outreach program?

It's not what you think, pally.

- It's not what you think at all. - You know what I think?

I'll tell you what I think.

Hmmph!

(electronic music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

(giggles) Oh, thanks.

Theo: You know, I was getting a little bit tired of that whole situation.

You know, I'm hoping to hook up with Seattle.

The tea's not much, but the coffee's good.

(men laugh)

Man: Sure is!

Pilot to bombardier, preparing for attack!

Excuse me, fellas.

Oh, Veronica.

Bells on your ankle go jingle jangle jingle?

So, do you guys wanna take a tub?

I don't know.

Come on! I can't do it alone! Show some sack, man.

You're my wingman.

Okay.

Great! Good, let's go.

Let's go.

(Kirby laughing)

(laughter)

Boy, I gotta go rehydrate myself.

Um, anybody want anything?

Yeah, grab me one too, Kirby.

You got it. Ladies?

- No. - Ah.

Girls: No.

Are you sure?

- Yeah. - Okay!

Whoo.

Man, it is so hot in here.

I know what you mean!

I can't stand how hot it is.

Yeah, it is really hot in here.

(giggles) It's just too hot.

Oh, no! Look!

These got all wet.

(laughs)

Hello!

- (door bangs open) - (indistinct police radio)

Police officers! Party's over.

- Party's over! - (gasping)

- Get 'em out of there! - Theo: Wait! Wait a minute!

Excuse me, wait a minute, no.

You got the wrong idea!

- It's... it's innocent! - How old are you?

Uh, 18?

Next May.

Go to the mall. Knock yourselves out.

Kirby, man, you got to help me out!

Listen, Arliss is great at keeping this stuff quiet.

Don't worry about a thing, okay?

- Tell him to hurry up! - Yes.

Yeah. I'll pick Rita up next Saturday night at 8:00.

Oh, and tell her to be ready to party.

No problem.

Bye.

- (receiver clicks) - (sighs contentedly)

Okay, goodnight. I'll see you Monday.

Uh, Rita? Um, keep Friday night open.

I have got something very special planned for you.

Really? Aw.

Okay.

Arliss (narrating): Because of the strong moral foundation that I help build,

my clients don't find themselves out of work very long.

Veteran pro-quarterback, Theo Holt

was charged last night with statutory rape

and endangering the welfare of a minor.

Jim McMahon?

What do I need that old fossil for?

Long as Theo Holt can bring us the championship,

we'll let minor transgressions slide.

Boys will be boys.

Personally, I blame the media.

Look at these models. We're conditioned to want young girls.

Isn't it the truth?

You know what I say?

Old enough to set the table,

old enough to come to dinner.

I say four years, $6 million.

Arliss (narrating): Every now and then,

obstacles arise that seem insurmountable.

♪ Whether I'm right ♪

♪ Or whether I'm wrong ♪

(feedback)

♪ Whether I find a place in this world ♪

♪ Or never belong ♪

♪ I gotta be me ♪

Arliss, we are even.

Arliss (narrating): Sometimes, we place ourselves in uncomfortable situations.

Radio: And in local news,

- Hey! You can't take my car. Come on. - The FBI cracked an auto smuggling dealer...

Oscar: You can't take my car!

I paid good money for this!

I paid lots of money for it. You can't take my car!

Stop! My clubs are in the trunk!

- (crowd cheering) - ♪ I find a place in this world ♪

♪ Or never belong ♪

Al, look, I'm leaving at halftime.

I promise you, I'll be there in time for the vows.

(beep)

Arliss (narrating): I always make it a point to remind people,

before we rush to judgment of others,

please put yourself in their position.

Theo: Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut!

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ ♪