Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Man's voice: Welcome to "Jonny L's Lyons Den."

In your face talk radio.

"Fat Jack" from El Cerritos,

You're in the Lyons Den,

good morning to you, Fat Jack.

Fat Jack: Yeah, Jonny,

I want a lion's chomp for Eric Karros.

Another chomp for the chump.

And not just once, but twice he fanned last night,

with the bases loaded.

Karros has left more men in scoring position

Than Anne Heche!

Man's voice: Say what?

Doug from Del Mar,

you're in the Lyons Den.

Doug: Hey, give Karros a break!

He's playing on a bum leg!

Yeah, and you wanna know how he hurt that knee?

Dancing at Bar One last Tuesday night!

Charise from Simi Valley

said he was rocking and rolling 'till 3:00 in the a.m.

Arliss: Sticks and stones can break bones.

Funny thing happened on the way to the stadium.

I tuned in your show.

Oh, lookie here, Eric Karros is in the den.

Arliss: But words can ruin careers.

Choking? I'll show you choking!

Eric, I'm live!

Right now, but in five minutes you'll be dead!

Come on, man, take it easy!

It's just a radio show!

Yeah, is that right?

C'mon, man, easy!

Arliss: So when abusive shock jock Jonny L

slandered my client,

he stepped over the line.

I went right to the top.

- Screw it. - (groans)

(sirens)

Please inform Sir Hubert

that if Jonny Lyons goes back on the air,

I will not permit any of my clients

to appear on any KBLB talk shows.

While being chased by your client,

Jonny Lyons tripped on a microphone

and broke his throat.

He won't be bothering your clients for two weeks.

With all due respect, that's not good enough.

Eric Karros was with me last Tuesday night

and nowhere near Bar One.

I've advised my client to sue for slander.

(Englishman yelling) Goddammit, I don't bloody care!

It's brand-fuckin' new!

You think!

That's the trouble, you don't think!

Incompetent bastard!

Something wrong, Sir Hubert?

Oh, me satellite went out again.

Arliss: Oh, I feel for you.

My dish goes out three, four, five times a month.

It's the Santa Ana winds, you know.

When they blow, forget it!

I'm not talkin' about a satellite dish,

you stupid cunt!

It's me bloody satellite!

Four billion dollars!

Four billion dollars.

Well, I hope it's still under warranty. (chuckles)

Oh, piss off!

Who's the court jester?

Arliss Michaels, Sir Hubert Lynch.

Arliss Michaels, right.

The sports procurer.

What do you want?

All I want is a venue where my clients can be treated fairly

and still provide your listeners entertainment.

Mr. Michaels is threatening litigation against KBLB.

Litigation, is it?

Lawsuits.

You know what I think about lawsuits?

Like pimples on me bum.

I pop 'em, and get on with me business.

Ah, sound advice.

Now look, I own airwaves.

You represent sports figures.

Sports figures represent money.

I quite like money.

But I ain't making any money here.

Sittin' here talking to the likes of you!

So... how can we clean all this up,

then make it go away?

Have you thought of a replacement yet for Jonny L?

We have a short list of names we're considering.

No one definite.

Well, then, perhaps I could make a suggestion.

Announcer: You're listening to Pete Rose on KBLB.

Welcome back to Gezaba's Sports Bar.

And coming up next,

the author of "Walking Concussion, My life in the NFL",

sitting in for Jonny L,

that should've been a great one...

Kirby Carlisle.

And if I was a betting man,

I'd say you're gonna be a huge success.

Good luck.

(cheers and applause)

I could use something to try and take the edge off.

No drinking! No drinking!

Here are the questions.

Okay. Thank you Pete Rose!

Um, and, uh, it's great to be here at Gezaba's sports c... bar

in lovely El Segundo.

Thank you for inviting KBLB out here!

Man: You suck!

(laughing)

Uh, with me today is, uh, Japanese, uh, baseball star

and international free agent,

Yoshi Kobiashi.

And his agent, Arliss Michaels.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you for having us.

(speaking Japanese)

He says thank you very much for having us also.

Uh, he speaks very little English,

so I guess I'll do most of the talking.

Kirby.

Oh, uh, we've got a caller.

Uh, Nathan from Santa Monica. You're on the air.

Nathan: Yeah, Yoshi, hey listen, where... where do you wanna

play ball in the states?

Uh... (speaking Japanese)

Uh, Rake Tahoe.

Lake... Lake Tahoe?

Yoshi's a big fan of "Bonanza."

That's where the Ponderosa is.

Rove rittle Hoss!

Can you believe they gave a talk show

to this washed up loser?

All the hosts on sports radio are ex-jocks.

Kirby'll fit right in.

Kirby, I think I speak for everyone here,

when I say that for a rookie,

you're doing one hell of a job with these questions.

So, uh, does Yoshi like American girls?

What's a weird, chain-smoking,

day-drinking guy like you doing in joint like this?

Actually, I'm a neurosurgeon.

Wednesday's are just my day off.

(laughing) Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Matt Miller.

Rita Wu.

Rita, do you play pool?

Oh, a little.

Shall we?

Okay.

You're on the air.

Caller: Yeah, how old is this Yoshi?

Hello?

- He's 27. - He's 19!

Yoshi just turned 19 years old just the other day,

and we had a great birthday,

it was a happy birthday, right?

Right.

Ohhh! Beauty. Beauty.

Uh... Damn!

Look, sister, if you don't know your way

around a pool table, don't play.

Hey, listen, buddy, you don't talk to the lady that way.

The lady just cost me 50 bucks when I missed that shot!

I'm sorry!

Rita, please, he never would've made the shot.

Aw, bullshit!

Five hundred bucks says I can.

Oh, you're on.

Oh... No, c'mon, guys,

this is not the battle of the testes.

I've got 200, we go for 200.

No, no, no, no, no, it's 500 or nothing,

and take Shanghai Lil with you.

What are you doing?

Here is 300 bucks.

Let's see the asshole put his money

where his mouth is.

It's a... It's a pleasure doin' business with you.

Come any time.

Rita, I'm sorry.

Let me go to an ATM.

Uh, no no no no no, no no. No.

In for a dime...

in for my car payment.

Don't worry, um...

I'll just go to the restroom.

Other teams Yoshi would entertain offers for

are Los Angeles, Atlanta, Milwaukee...

Milwaukee?

Schlemiel! Schlimazel!

Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

"Listen, buddy, you don't talk to the lady that way."

- (laughing) - You were scared when I did that. You were.

You fuckers!

I guess her mama never told her that pool halls ain't for girls.

Caller: Hey, Kirby, I've seen harder hitting interviews

on "Regis and Kathy Lee"!

You're just letting your boss hype the market

for his carpetbagger client, scumbag!

Excuse me, if I may respond to that.

Arliss Michaels does not hype.

In fact, there's a firm offer on the table

that unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to speak about...

Um... I... listen, I'm sorry, we ha...

Uh... uh, Kirby, we've gotta go.

Uh... You've really done a great job.

Hasn't he done a great job, people?

(crowd boos)

Man: You still suck!

- (booing continues) - Thank you.

Please, I need you to come out and visit me.

But I haven't seen you in so long.

You're my favorite cousin.

I've got something really special planned.

Rita, hello!

Very nice day.

Hi!

Very nice day.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

(In clear English) You said we have an offer.

From who?

Shh, not so loud!

No, no, no, Arliss,

I'm tired of all this "fresh off the boat" bullshit.

Look, you can't speak English.

There would've been no Fernando-mania

if... if Valenzuela would've sounded like Olivier.

You know, sooner or later, everyone's gonna find out

my dad moved from Kansas City to Japan when I was 12.

And when they do, you tell them you forgot English.

Just go with me on this one.

It's a marketing tool.

You'll wind up with your own bobblehead doll.

Bobblehead, my ass!

Tell me about the offer!

There is none.

- What? - Yet, yet.

But I'm just startin' to chum the waters.

I'm gonna make the rounds next week.

Don't worry, you're gonna get a deal.

What team you wanna play for?

White Sox, Red Sox, Yankees, Angels...?

Shit, I don't care, Arliss.

The team that pays me the most, I'll love the most.

Hi. Excuse me. Arliss.

Uh... Rita!

Uh, Nanu-nanu!

Uh, hi, Yoshi.

Um, Arliss, I really need next Wednesday off,

My cousin is coming into town.

Cousin, family.

Family... yes...

No, I'm sorry.

Yes.

No.

Yes!

Yes, sure!

Okay, thank you, Arliss.

Thank you, Yoshi.

So when the fuck am I gonna see some money, Arliss?

♪ Kirby in the morning ♪

Okay, we're, uh, finishing up

with Jim Harbaugh of the Chicago Bears.

That's Indianapolis Colts.

Yes, you didn't let me finish,

the, uh, formerly of the Chicago Bears,

now quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts.

And, um... the last time we saw you was in the playoffs,

and you had your tooth knocked out...

did that hurt?

Yeah, that hurt. That hurt.

Uh, the Colts have a good dental plan?

You know, I really gotta get going. Sorry.

All right, great. Uh, all right, thanks for stopping by.

(crowd booing)

Hey, sweetie...

get me a Guinness?

You know you give me an offensive line

that's more than five speed bumps,

you give me a Jerry Rice,

and I'll be in the mother...

I'll be in the goddamn Hall of Fame.

(cheers)

Caller: Hey, Kirby, who do you like

in the pro wrestling Super Brawl this weekend?

Oh, oh, that's right, that's right.

I'm sorry, I forgot that that's what you called about.

Well, listen, let me tell you something about pro wrestling.

(shouting) Pro wrestling is fake!

(cheering)

Jesus, and you're not an adult,

you're a loser masquerading as one.

(crowd chanting) Kirby! Kirby! Kirby!

Tim from Redondo Beach...

Tim: Kirby, you got some major stones!

Big as boulders, baby.

This Yoshi dude hasn't played one game!

How can they offer him millions?

No, no, it's not just Yoshi.

All professional athletes are mercenaries.

You know, the Kirby thinks guys like Albert Bell and Dennis Rodman

are greedy, self-centered crybabies.

Yeah, well I think...

Shut up!

Only the quarterback talks in the huddle.

Next caller.

Hey-hey, Ken Caminiti, David Justice!

How's my two favorite guys?

We got... We got a little bone to pick with, uh, Kirby.

We're hearin' Kirby's talking a lot of smack

about the ball players. We don't appreciate it.

Kirby? My Kirby?

I don't know about Ken,

but I'm gone if you don't take care of it.

No, no, sure, no, I'll take care of it.

You know me, Arliss Michaels, the working man's friend.

All right.

Thank you, thank you for telling me,

- Appreciate it. - Bringing it to my attention, it's important.

All right, baby!

Rrrooar!

♪ A love machine in every way ♪

Rita, honey, do me a favor...

answer my fan mail.

And if you find any enclosed panties,

you forward them to me.

Okay, cowboy.

I'll be in my office.

Pow!

Where'd he go?

♪ He's a big man ♪

All of my clients are overpaid,

greedy, self-centered?

It's the truth, isn't it?

Besides, it's my job to provoke conversation.

Your job? This is your job!

Not some stupid radio show

which is turning into a conflict of interest!

Let me ask you a question, who pays you more?

Radio or me?

You do.

Remember that.

For now.

Meaning what?

HLI broadcasting

is considering syndicating my show.

Which means more money for me

and wider exposure for our clients.

So you can flog them nationally

instead of just In the second largest market in the country?

Hey, I don't flog 'em. I tell it like it is!

Well, Tex, let me tell you like it is.

Either you lay off my clients, or I layoff your ass!

You can't tell me how to run my show!

I got you that show, me, remember?

And it's successful because of me, remember?

You know, you just can't handle it that I don't need you.

You're jealous because I'm a radio personalty,

and I got the hottest show in the city!

Unless you count the Mexican stations!

Listen, Kirby...

No, no, you listen to me.

Every morning, 780 on your AM dial.

♪ Kirby in the morning ♪

Woo-woo! Kirby Carlisle!

You wanna stick this up his ass, or should i?

Go ahead.

I'll do it.

(phone rings)

Y-'ello!

Hey, it's me.

Listen, uh, sorry about yesterday.

You know, I... I do owe you everything.

Oh, forget it.

No, I mean really,

without you, jeez,

I'd probably be sitting in a bar somewhere

boring people telling old football stories.

Wait a minute, I do that now.

(Arliss chuckling)

So, uh, what's on the agenda today, boss?

More Yoshi business.

Now he wants it written in his deal

that his mother has to get a house.

We should make this a standard deal point

in all our client's contracts,

Item 6-a, company must buy mama a house.

Yeah, like, the, uh standard deal points in, uh, Barry's contract, huh?

(chuckling) What do we got, satin sheets, jacuzzi suites,

two-line phones on the road.

You name it, he's got it.

Hey, question: Who's a bigger pain in the ass, Jeff George or Barry Bonds?

Whoa, that's a Hitler/Stalin argument.

Uhhh, Barry. No one's more demanding than Barry.

Arliss! Arliss!

Hold on.

What are you doing?

Working out, talking on the phone.

What are you doing?

Listening to you on the radio.

Kirby has you on the air!

Whaaaat!

(crash)

Kirby, you cocksucker!

Whoa! Thank God for the seven-second delay!

You put me on the air?

Now why don't you tell all our listeners

about the time that you and Michael Irvin

were on that Ferris wheel in Atlantic City.

Kirby, you are a dead man talkin'!

(laughing)

Is our client base too big?

Is this a part of your master plan to thin the herd?

I was ambushed!

Ambushed? If you were ambushed,

then our clients were shot in their sleep!

Maybe nobody was listening.

(ring) (ring) (ring)

Hello, there.

So, Arliss, Which one am I, Hitler or Stalin?

When I called you a pain in the ass,

I meant that only in a good way!

I mean this in a nice way too. You're an asshole!

I am down with that.

No time for him.

- Got the message! - (phone ringing)

Arliss,

It was your idea to put Kirby on the air.

Now you want him off the air?

Kirby Carlisle is poisoning the airwaves

by perpetuating lies about America's role models

at a time when this country needs to hear

the sound of America's heroes!

(toilet flushing)

Kirby Carlisle's show is a hit!

The numbers have spiked since he took over for Jonny L.

I think you should fire him.

Sir Hubert: Fire him?

We just signed him to a three-year personal services contract.

"Personal services contract"?

We intend to syndicate his show nationally.

We expect to put him in over 75 markets.

Hah... Stupid Yanks! Can't stop listening to other stupid Yanks, then, can they?

Well, thank you very much for your time.

No, no, hang on, hang on, then.

We can still do business... can't we?

What kind of business are we gonna do?

What, are you gonna trade me Italy for Barry Bonds?

I don't want Barry Bonds.

Oh, he'll be happy to hear that.

I want Yoshi Kobiashi.

For what? The new anchor on your Fort Worth news team?

No. For my baseball team.

Excuse me, Sir Hubert,

but you don't own a baseball team.

Today. But one must build towards the future.

The future?

Last month I bought a fledgling Japanese television network.

A real steal.

368 million.

A real fixer-upper, huh?

Well, like all fledgling networks, it, uh, needs programming.

You know, most of the world's wealth is spent between...

right here and right here.

Now you Yanks and the Nips

have a few things in common.

Traffic, big-titted blondes,

And baseball.

Now I can't do nothing about the first two.

But I can do something about baseball.

Relocate it.

So you buy an American team with a Japanese star,

program your network around it,

and then finally relocate the team.

The numbers are gonna be staggering!

Makes me wanna shag the night away. (laughs)

I get it, so, today, the Pittsburgh Pirates,

tomorrow...

First things first.

Steve Brenner from the Yankees,

he signed his import for, how much was it, then?

13 million.

Right.

I'll give your lad, uh... 20.

Twenty?

But it's gotta be quiet.

Just between us.

Until after the owners' meetings.

There might be some who'd be opposed

to Sir Hubert owning a baseball team.

Provincial bastards.

So, is this deal closed?

Closed...

on the money.

Not closed on the deal.

Don't waste my time playing "who's pecker's bigger."

What else do you want?

Sir Hubert,

I too, want to build for the future.

20 million.

20 million bones, baby!

Where do I sign?

Hold on a second.

Understand, this is a personal services contract,

Not a playing contract.

I mean, if Sir Hubert doesn't get a franchise,

you could wind up pitching for his company's softball team.

Yeah, I don't give a shit.

20 million, man, where do I sign?

You are the man, Arliss.

You are the man.

Congratulations.

I'm just so jacked, Arliss, I wanna tell someone.

No, don't do that.

You keep your mouth shut about this.

If this gets out, it could blow Sir Hubert's plan

to get a franchise to kingdom come.

You better cut me off then, dude.

Right, right. Look, I gotta go hit the head

and make a couple of phone calls, I'll be right back, okay?

You're the man, Arliss.

Yeah, I'm the man.

Excuse me.

My friend's celebrating his birthday over there,

Could you get us a couple of kamikazes?

Thanks, make 'em doubles.

So you gonna go to the family reunion?

I hear it's B.Y.O.B.

Bring your own baggage.

Hi, sweetie. Miss me?

C'mon, Jeanette, let's go.

Wait, he's cute.

No, he's not, he's a jerk.

Oh, don't. Don't hold a grudge.

If you like, we'll give you a chance to make your money back.

No, thank you, let's go.

Wait. Let's stay. I've got some money.

You heard the girl.

Jeanette, you don't understand.

They're hustlers.

So hustle me.

Oh, yeah.

(burps)

Yoshi, hey, man!

Where's your chaperon? Where's Arliss?

Head.

Phone.

Right, right, right, headphone.

Let's get this guy some headphones.

Fish took the bait.

Well, mine swallowed the hook.

Well, look who just came into the huddle.

Yosh, you stud, what up?

Beer for everyone, on the Yosh man!

All right!

Must have come into some money, huh?

Try 20 million dollars, babe.

Your English is coming along, dude.

I'm gonna be playing baseball for Sir Hubert Lynch!

Lynch doesn't own a team.

Yet. But he's going to.

Then he's moving the team to Japan!

(crowd booing)

That Limey can't do that.

He's gonna ruin baseball!

Lynch should be lynched!

Let's take a call, hey, from Queens.

Man's voice: Yo, Kirby, I wanna know

where does this prick come off

getting our baseball team, right?

I mean forget about it! The guy's a scavoze.

He don't know no more about baseball

than I know about cricket!

You know what I'm sayin'?

I know what you're saying.

You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying!

You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying, why don't you shut up?

We're not gonna let him get away with this,

and we're not gonna let you get away with this!

Uh... Rake Tahoe, um... rittle Hoss...

Uh, nanu-nanu!

Oh, yeah, that's right! Rake Tahoe, little Hoss,

why don't you get outta here, you a-hole?

Go buy everybody a beer,

Maybe that'll make 'em happy!

Get outta here, you bum!

(crowd booing)

Now, listen, let me hear from you!

I wanna hear from you!

There's no way that this is your cousin.

Oh, yes, she is.

She just happens to be "the Black Widow."

(sighs)

Your turn, Rita.

Three hundred bucks says I clear the table.

You're on.

Yes!

(laughing)

Oh... (clears throat)

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Of course he's gonna move the team,

and baseball owners should grow some Kirby-sized nad

and vote to block this sale!

And stoppin' these poofies from stealin' our game, you know,

am I right, am I right?

(cheering)

That's a pack of lies!

Piss off!

(phones ringing)

What... Don't tell me how to run my business!

Bugger off!

Commissioner's office.

Well, fuck your antitrust legislation.

Fuck your fellow owners,

and fuck you!

Get that blabbermouth son of a bitch on the phone!

We're not gotta gonna take this.

We kicked those Brits out of the country once,

we're gonna kick 'em out again!

Hubie from Manhattan, you're in the huddle, call the play.

Hubert: Kirby, your stones are as big as coconuts.

You got that right, bro.

But mine are bigger!

You're fired!

Yeah, right.

(power shutting down)

Hello?

We got no juice, we're dead.

What are you talking about?

He can't kick me off the air!

No one can kick me off the air!

I'll get a job at another radio station!

No... you won't.

Oh, he can't fire me! I got a three year contract with HLI!

Noooo, you don't.

You see, once you went off the air, your contract reverted to me.

What are you talking about?

You know that Kobiashi deal I just made?

Yes?

Well, part of it was, I traded Yoshi to Sir Hubert

for a jerk to be named later, you.

You... You traded for me?

Yeah! (chuckles)

But don't worry, I recognize talent.

I got plans for you.

You're still gonna be on the air!

Huh?

Kirby: Uh, checking the weather, it's a typical L.A. day,

hazy with continued haze throughout the afternoon,

followed by twilight.

Uh, the AMM company picnic is this Sunday,

Cherry Creek Field.

I know how much fun everyone had last year,

so be there.

Fan mail.

(giggles)

And don't forget at 11:30,

my hard-hitting interview

with Stanley in Business Affairs.

He's so unpredictable.

I don't hear the time horn.

Arliss, I think you've made your point!

I don't hear the time horn!

(horn sounds)

It's three minutes past ten.

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Kirby: And don't forget to place your frappuccino orders.

I'll be making a run.

Oh, let's thank Sal

for the bagels and cream cheese this morning.

Oh, we've got our box seats available

for the Sparks and Liberty this Friday at the Forum.

Uh, WNBA at its finest...

uh, for the person who can answer the question:

What Pac-Ten quarterback holds the record

for most interceptions returned for a touchdown

in a single year?

This may take a while.

Oh! Also Jimmy and Margarite Mudo

celebrate their 14th anniversary tomorrow.

Congratulations.

Arliss Michaels Management is treating them to dinner

at Stub's Ranch Kitchen.

Hmm? Oh, we've got a winner.

That was fast.

Uh, Freddy in Inventory says that yours truly,

Kirby Carlisle,

holds the record with 13 interceptions in 1974.

Thanks for remembering so fast, Freddy.

Enjoy the ladies.

It's...

(horn sounds) 10:08.

♪♪