Original subtitles

(dramatic music plays)

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

- (splashes) - (theme music plays)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me? ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ ♪

Hi, everybody.

I am Drew Monroe,

America's sweetheart.

See ya soon in "Peter Pan '98,"

brought to you by Big Kettle Soup.

Sips like a soup,

eats like a meal.

Join Wendy, Tiger Lily,

Captain Hook, Tinkerbell,

and me, Drew Monroe,

when we come to your town,

and watch me fly!

Announcer: Tickets at Ticketmaster now.

Arliss.

Drew Monroe, America's sweetheart.

When she won the gold, we just didn't get her a cereal commercial,

we took her to a new level... the sky!

At AMM, we don't just negotiate for the '90s,

we market for a new millennium.

- (applause) - Thank you. Thank you.

Very impressive, very impressive, Arliss.

And of course since 1987,

this tour has grossed $60 million.

- Sixty-three. - Sixty-three.

Giselle Jaynes, your response?

I'm sorry this might soar in the flyover states,

but on Madison Avenue it would dive-bomb.

If I read accurately between the lines,

I'd say you have a different point of view.

(chuckles) Well, I hate to be disagreeable,

but putting an Olympic gymnast in "Peter Pan"

is hardly cutting-edge wizardry.

It's marketing for the last millennium, not the next one.

Arliss?

Miss Jaynes, as you know, New York City,

which I assume you're from,

seeing as you're dressed as if you're going to a funeral,

is in its own little millennium, isn't it,

which begs the question, "How do you feel qualified

to speak for the rest of the country?"

- Oh, I don't. - Good.

I do, however, feel qualified

to know when I'm listening to someone

in love with the sound of his own voice.

And that's the bell for the end of round one.

(applause)

(jazz music plays)

Thanks for meeting me out here, Orlando.

Normally I wouldn't keep the #1 draft choice waiting,

but I couldn't get out of this seminar thing.

You sure you didn't miss anything?

Some Sweet'N Low maybe?

"Sweet'N Low."

Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Can I get some Sweet'N Low? Thanks. - Man: Yeah.

Now, here's what I got planned.

(pager beeping)

Oh man, I gotta go pick my girlfriend up.

Now? What am I gonna do with all this food?

Pay for it.

Later.

(Arliss narrates) I'm always on the lookout for new challenges.

One never knows when opportunity will present itself.

Eating for two?

Well, you see, I'm so in love with the sound of my own voice,

this way I can talk back and forth with myself

and be in total ecstasy.

Well, don't let me interrupt,

I wouldn't wanna come between you.

Oh, that won't happen. We've been together much too long.

Sit down.

Thank you.

There's a lot of wildlife there.

Would you prefer my spinach salad?

No, I like wildlife.

Really?

So... Arliss...

Is that a family name?

It has an Eastern European ring to it.

You know, that would be an astute observation

if there were any accuracy to it at all, which there is not.

- Would you pass me the pepper? - Mmm.

You could use a little more pepper.

You know, "Giselle" is one of my favorite ballets.

Really?

First performed at the Paris Opera

in... 1841.

♪ ♪

Perhaps I've underestimated you.

Oh, I hope so.

I make my living off of people who underestimate me.

Then again, perhaps not.

You ready for another drink?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Great. Well, when you get yours,

would you get me one too? I'm really thirsty.

I'll take care of you.

- Giselle: It's Rodgers & Hammerstein. - Arliss: It's "Pal Joey."

- (laughs) - ♪ If they asked me ♪

♪ I could write a book ♪

♪ About the way you walked and whisper ♪

♪ And look ♪

Both: ♪ I could write a preface ♪

♪ On how we met ♪

♪ So the world would never forget ♪

♪ And the simple secret ♪

♪ Of the plot ♪

♪ Is just to tell them that I love... ♪

(moaning)

Oh, that was good.

That was long.

- (both laugh) - Incredible.

- So... this horse walks into a bar. - Uh-huh.

The bartender looks at it and says, "Hey, pal,

why the long face?"

- Oh! - (both laugh)

- So, Giselle... - Uh-huh?

Do you really think that sports marketing

is stuck in the stone age?

Is there anything that predates stone?

- Monday Night Football? - (laughs)

(phone rings)

Hello? Oh, it's yours.

- (moans) - (laughs)

- (chuckles) - (beeps)

- Hello! - Arliss, you fucking suck!

Hey, how's America's sweetheart?

Eat shit.

Arliss, I am flat out highly discontented

with my state of affairs

regarding your agentship with me.

- Drew, what's wrong? - (whispers) Is it Drew Monroe?

I'm stuck up here like a goddamn turkey buzzard

who's had its wings clipped,

my fucking leotard climbing up my crotch.

Drew, Drew, you've been in the show four years.

You know rehearsals can be a stressful period.

- Is she having trouble with the director? - Shh!

This fucking director is mentally deficient!

I think they deprived him of some serious oxygen in the womb,

which he shared with a newt.

Drew, Drew, listen, listen.

No, you listen. I hereby quit!

Drew?

Will somebody get me down?

Get me the fuck down!

- Drew? - (dial tone)

Shit.

(groans)

I gotta go. Stay here.

Don't move. I'll be back.

- I'm coming with you. - Oh, not a chance.

Where the hell are my socks?

Arliss, I've been dealing with divas all my life.

Honey, I served four years with Diana Ross.

- Maybe I can help. - You? Help?

After what you said at the seminar? Help "Peter Pan"?

You are about the last person in the world I want to be at this thing.

Oh, they're probably fighting over blocking...

Where the hell are my socks?

Or scheduling or costumes.

God, I remember the time that Liza and Michael Bennett got into it.

Look, look, look, look. Which word don't you understand?

You are absolutely, positively not going.

Absolutely, positively!

You are not going!

Absolutely... positively!

You're not going!

Drew: Listen, Arliss,

I want better product, superior management!

No more feminine hygiene products.

Some alpine flower douche

make you feel like a walking, upside-down air freshener.

Drew, I appreciate your concern...

No more commercials for creamed corn,

which I had to eat mercilessly

over and over and over again.

Like giving a tablespoon a blow job

- each time swallowing that gunk. - Man: Here you go, baby.

You are missing some big opportunities with me, Arliss.

Drew, you are America's sweetheart.

Fucking "A."

- (whispers) - You do have a highly-lucrative orange juice endorsement!

Fucking "B" for boring!

What kind of product endorsements

would you like me to pursue, Drew?

I don't know! That's your job!

Arliss, my boyfriend says you suck.

"Suck"? "Suck."

In what s... a literal sense?

In a metaphorical sense?

In a "quit asking questions,

come up with some fucking answers" sense!

I don't pay you to diddle with your saltpeter!

Look, Drew, Drew...

Arliss, Drew is right.

I beg your pardon?

Drew, I've been talking to the director.

He thinks it's just fine if you keep the old blocking

for your second scene with Wendy, okay?

Well, shit, howdy.

That's more like it.

Where's my Scotch?

(mumbles mockingly)

I like Drew. She's feisty.

She is not feisty. She's the Antichrist.

She's got potential. I could do a lot with her.

Giselle...

how would you like to come to work

in my office for a month?

Take a break from New York City,

you know, get away from winter, all that rain.

And do what?

Oversee the account...

just 'till the tour hits the road.

(laughs) Oh, c'mon.

No, no, think of this as a new canvas for your art,

your chance to show the sports world

how to do things right.

Arliss, I can't work for you.

- Why not? - I just slept with you.

Well, you wouldn't be working for me,

you'll be working with me.

You realize, of course, if I do come,

we can't sleep together.

Of course!

Why not?

My friends in Minnesota have a saying,

"When it comes to work, don't fish off the dock."

Okay. No sleeping together.

- I'm serious. - So am I.

No sleeping together.

(Arliss narrates) When bringing someone new into the office,

it is important to be sensitive to one's staff.

Change must be introduced slowly and tactfully.

My office?

It's just temporary. It's only for a month.

What about Kirby's office?

Why not just put her in there?

Oh no. This office is bigger, it's nicer.

There are smells in Kirby's office that'll never come out.

Look, Stanley, do this for me.

You know I'll make it up to you. I promise.

What can she do to improve the "Peter Pan" tour?

It's been making 17% for us for nine years.

That's $1,200,000 a year.

She's got ideas, you know what I mean?

These great, cutting-edge ideas.

Look, look, Stanley, I know the two of you are gonna get along.

I mean, you both love opera,

neither of you can parallel park.

I mean, you have a lot in common.

Yeah... my office!

Thanks for understanding.

You're the best.

♪ ♪

(Arliss narrates) I'm a believer in team chemistry.

Be sure your new hire blends in well,

producing a winning formula.

Finally, someone around here I can talk to.

So... you two met at a seminar?

Uh-huh. Umm...

you know, Rita I don't know anything about sports,

maybe you can help me out in that department.

We'll do Barneys.

So, at this seminar,

afterwards you guys had a meeting?

Ho, ho, I knew you two would hit it off great.

Look, we gotta prepare for the presentation.

Rita, would you excuse us?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

It's okay, you can excuse us.

Oh. Oh, of course.

You two... be alone.

- Okay. - Goodbye.

Thank you.

- Anyway... - Peligrino?

- No, that's fine. Thanks. - Or coffee?

- Get outta here! - Okay.

Okay, Oscar Schumacher is not an easy sell,

so go ahead and dazzle me.

Okay.

Kirby: In my office?

There's not room for two desks in my office!

That will be the least of our problems! Trust me!

Look, there's no touching my stuff.

Okay? And lights out between 2:00 and 4:00...

Siesta time... and there's no hummus allowed.

- Stanley: What? - No hummus!

Where the hell's Arliss?

You know, they're sleeping together.

It is so obvious, I'd bet on it.

Do you know that it took Arliss seven rings

to answer his cell phone the other night?

And it never takes him that long. Never.

I think they're sleeping together. What do you think?

- She's a dyke. - Ugh.

She is not a dyke.

Oh, I can tell. It's a subtle thing.

Oh, what, if your tail turns blue, she's straight,

- if it turns pink, she's gay? - Huh!

You know, I know that they are sleeping together.

- I would bet on it. - How much you wanna bet?

Kirby, you just drank my contact lenses!

The fuck I did!

I had them soaking in there!

You owe me 150 bucks!

Hard lenses? Where are your glasses?

I had to get my prescription renewed.

150 bucks!

I want it by the end of this week,

in cash, no checks, no IOU's.

No advances! (laughing)

That is a gross misuse of a Good Burger cup!

Oh! I like your Johnnie Walker Black campaign, Miss Giselle,

but I don't know if liquor and tobacco

work with my little green gold mine here.

Excuse me. Does anyone have

a cough drop, or a lifesaver,

gum, or something to suck on?

My mouth's as dry as a monkey's ass.

The point is, Oscar, that Giselle thinks

with the right look and the right sound

that baby-boomers are a prime audience.

I already have a successful show. Why change now?

Apparently, Mr. Schumacher,

your market is narrowed to families with 2.3 children

and limited disposal income.

I can broaden the base to include singles,

couples, theatergoers.

The secret is to let the parents

have as much fun as the kids.

I mean...

Peter... Peter Pan is about

somebody who doesn't wanna grow up.

Every... uh, every adult can relate to that!

Hmm. Well, what did you have in mind?

A Tony award-winning director and choreographer.

Both of whom are very excited about the possibility

of giving your show a whole new look. (grunts)

Well, shit howdy.

You know, Arliss,

at the end of every February

I get my teeth cleaned,

I renew my annual parking permit,

and I listen to Arliss Michaels

blow smoke up my ass.

So, Oscar, what do you think?

What the hell, huh? Let's give it a try.

(both chuckle)

So, go swim in the pool, Miss Giselle.

Just don't piss in it.

- (cork pops) - (Arliss and Giselle laugh)

Oh, man, do we make a great team or what?

- Yeah. - You were great.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Here, here.

- Wait, wait, wait. - (laughs)

Ooh, wait 'till you see what I got.

Dominican, top of the line, tough to get.

- You want one? - No, care for one of these?

Sancho Panza.

Sancho Panza?

The Cuban consulate is a close friend of mine.

(fizzles)

Oh...

(moans)

Oh!

Oh, Giselle,

you're sexy, you're smart,

you kiss great, you got Cubans,

and you're bringing money into the office.

I think I could fall in love with you.

Oh, it was a great day.

It was a great meeting.

I'm so jazzed about the tour.

The sun is shining outside...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! "The sun is shining outside"?

If you don't watch it, lady,

you may come down with a bad case of "Los Angelitis."

"Los Angelitis." Oh, no, what are the symptoms?

Oh. First, you start breaking out in colors.

I hope it isn't terminal.

Then you have this uncontrollable urge

to leave baseball games in the 7th inning.

You have to wait 'till the 7th?

(chuckles) Wait 'till you hear my next idea

about how I'm gonna make you more money.

Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty to me.

A gay travel agency.

(laughs) I beg your pardon?

It's a tie-in, actually.

We book luxury cruises with gay star athletes...

Greg Louganis, Martina, Muffin.

That is the worst idea I have ever heard.

Well, what's so terrible about it?

Giselle, these are two worlds.

- Uh-huh. - This is your world,

the world of Halston, Isaac Mizrahi,

and Harvey Fierstein.

- Mmm. - This is my world,

the world of Gatorade, chewing tobacco,

- and jock itch. - (chuckles)

These two worlds don't generally collide.

You see, in my world there are still people

who are uncomfortable with homosexuality.

Your Queen Mary idea could cost me clients.

What does it say about our world, Arliss?

Yours and mine?

Well, I don't know about your world,

but in my world today somebody slipped me a sock.

Now, if there's gonna be "no fishing off the dock,"

there's gonna be no chumming the waters.

♪ ♪

(Arliss narrates) When making a personnel decision,

it's important not just to think with your head.

(moaning)

One should reach down

and go with a deeper gut feeling.

- No, we can't. - Of course not.

- Why did I forget? - (moans)

No, Arliss. No.

It'll undermine my position with you.

That's okay. We can find another position. I'll try...

-It doesn't work. It's a bad idea. -It's a terrible idea.

They already had turndown service.

I mean, why not? Just one more night.

Believe me, it's just as hard for me, babe.

They left a mint.

- I knew you'd come back. - See you tomorrow.

(sighs)

♪ ♪

(Arliss narrates) Once I bring someone new into the office,

I give them plenty of space.

Giselle, I got two tickets for the Lakers, courtside, tonight.

- Do you want to come? - Oh, sorry, I can't.

I'm going to the Schnabel exhibit at the Hammer.

Well, how about a nightcap at the hotel bar later?

No good. Maybe tomorrow. Bye!

Look, don't make any plans tonight.

I scored two tickets for that performance art piece,

"Beowolf on Ice."

Oh, I saw it, but thanks, you'll love it.

Arliss, can I ask you a question?

We're not sleeping together!

Alexi, I'm telling you,

this is the year soccer takes off in the US.

And who knows, maybe next year Europe.

Yeah, whatever, Arliss. Listen, just don't send me back to Costa Rica.

Those people are crazy down there.

They're throwing batteries, they're throwing bottles,

they're starting fights in the stands, and that's just the women.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're in a meeting.

Oh, come in, come in. Come on in.

I... I just had some great news.

Oh great. First of all, I want you to meet

- my star soccer client. - Alexi Lalas.

Giselle Jaynes, pleasure to meet you.

Martina's a go.

Great, great! For what?

The gay travel agency.

She wants to fly out next week and talk about it.

You're running a travel service with gay athletes?

N... well, no, no, it's just some silly idea.

I mean, I wouldn't worry about it.

Giselle, ix-nay on the ay-gay.

What we wanna do is set up luxury cruises

with star gay athletes to wonderful destinations...

Mykonos, Sardinia.

(chuckles) It's not a done deal.

Arliss, that is so cool! See, that's why I'm with you,

you're always coming up with these great new ideas.

Yeah, yeah, well, that's what we try to do here.

We try cutting-edge stuff, new breaking ideas.

- Thanks! - We'll talk details later.

Pleasure to meet you.

Man, she's hot.

You two aren't...

Oh, absolutely not!

Great. I'm gonna get her number.

♪ ♪

I don't like soccer anyway.

Stupid, silly game.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...

(sighs)

Hey, there.

What are you doing here?

Umm... guarding the table.

Afraid someone might steal it?

What are you doing here?

These invitations for the opening have to go out tomorrow.

And, who are you going out with tomorrow?

Did you and Alexi have fun last night?

Yes, I did have fun with Alexi.

We had drinks. He's charming.

He explained soccer to me.

And what do his socks look like?

They have little soccer balls on them

with little goalies around the cuff.

Cute.

Arliss...

have I thanked you yet?

No.

Well, then, thank you for inviting me into your world.

You're absolutely right.

It's... stimulating, it's challenging,

and somehow I suspect, Arliss,

that you've always wanted to dip into my world.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Where'd you have drinks?

In my bathtub.

♪ ♪

Since our hands

and slick, glistening bodies were wet...

it was difficult to hold onto the stem of the glass.

But somehow we surmounted.

♪ This is more than a mood that I feel ♪

♪ It's so real, it's an attitude ♪

♪ But your cool heart survives, melting down in the night ♪

♪ And it's all so good ♪

♪ So much more than a spark in the dark ♪

♪ With two eyes reaching overload ♪

♪ Just a kiss does the trick ♪

♪ So come on, hit my switch ♪

♪ I think I'm gonna explode ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, this is primitive ♪

♪ You make me feel so primitive ♪

- ♪ What a good... ♪ - (car honks)

75 bucks.

What?

I only owe you 75 bucks.

Kirby...

assuming I would ever put that lens in my eye...

Which I would never do, considering where it's been...

What good is one lens gonna do me?

Half the goods... half the debt.

Oh, you've heard

that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts?

Well, in this case, the parts are less

than half the whole.

You still owe me $150.

What if I produce the other one?

It's almost been a month!

It got stuck somewhere.

Kirby, I am charging you interest on the full amount.

Take it.

(thuds)

(Arliss narrates) The high point for any mentor

is finally getting to see the fruits

of his protege's labor.

Now, Oscar, it's only a dress rehearsal,

but I thought you'd get a kick out of seeing it first.

Thanks, Arliss. I remember seeing

a sneak preview of "Tom Thumb"

with Russ Tamblyn when I was just a boy.

Oh, this is gonna be better than that.

(rock music plays)

Hook: ♪ I'm gonna thrust it down ♪

♪ I'm gonna take you over ♪

♪ And then I'll break you down ♪

♪ You'll want it over and over ♪

♪ You'll say it again and again ♪

Give it to me, Hook! Give it to me, Hook!

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Gonna stick it to ya ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Gonna lick it up ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - ♪ Wanna take it to ya ♪

♪ Gonna suck the life out of you ♪

♪ ♪

Oscar. Oscar?

Oscar, Oscar, let's talk about the show.

This must be an improv, some kind of character work.

This has nothing to do with the opening-night performance,

- I assure you. - Well, I assure you

that I will never let you assure me of anything again.

You're fired, Arliss.

- Oscar. - You're fired!

(rock music fades)

Arliss. What are you doing here?

What are you thinking? What is in your mind?

"Peter Pan" is about innocence.

It's about childhood. It's about eternal youth!

How dare you just show up at a rehearsal!

You never do that in theater.

You never just wander in without asking the director first.

- Oscar Schumacher just dropped out. - What?

Big Kettle Soup just dropped out!

Well, he has no taste.

"Taste"?

You got Captain Hook with a codpiece! "Taste"!

This show is gonna be a major hit.

The critic from "Vanity Fair" was here yesterday,

and he loved it.

You just lost me a major account, Giselle.

Arliss!

(thunder rumbling)

You wanted cutting edge, I gave you cutting edge!

Giselle, just because you didn't like the show the way it was,

doesn't mean a lot of other people

didn't look forward to bringing their 2.3 children to it.

Not everybody dresses in black all the time.

I'll get other backers.

- No, you won't. - Yes, I will.

The show is canceled! The show is over!

The show is in Never Neverland!

Arliss, I don't think this is gonna work.

Of course it doesn't work!

No, I mean us.

♪ ♪

- What? - We've both known it all along.

Arliss Michaels is attracted to my world,

but Arliss Michaels Management isn't ready for it.

Not yet anyway.

What about last night?

Last night was wonderful.

Hey, Giselle,

get your perky ass back in here.

We're doing the menáge finale.

- Whoo-hoo! - (door closes)

You look good in the rain.

I have to go back to rehearsal.

By the way...

did you hear the one about the blind guy

who was handed a piece of matzo and said,

"Hey, who wrote this shit?"

(chuckles)

We'll talk.

Absolutely.

♪ ♪

(door closes)

(Arliss narrates) The visionary takes chances.

He thinks ahead and imagines

what lies beyond the next turn.

In so doing, he helps define the future.

At Arliss Michaels Management, we take risks.

We dare to bring in people with cutting-edge ideas.

We were the first, for example,

to pioneer luxury cruises with gay star athletes,

a revolutionary and lucrative idea

that keeps our business affairs staff

working overtime.

And true to her word, Giselle found the money

and the show in fact, did go on.

Unfortunately, Drew had neglected to tell Giselle

that she was six weeks pregnant.

Opening night, she had morning sickness

- and threw up over the audience. - (people shout)

The show closed before the second act.

♪ And the simple... ♪

(Arliss narrates) In business, like life,

you have to make choices.

Some will turn out well, others won't,

but do not be afraid to push the envelope.

It is better to have hired and lost

than never to have hired at all.

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ As my book ends ♪

♪ How to make two lovers ♪

♪ A friend... ♪

(rock music playing)

♪ Ah... yeah! ♪

♪ Oh yeah! ♪