Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy,

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashing)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Hi. I'm Ryan Mason III.

When you're trapped, in danger,

there's only one way out.

With the Ballblaster Flying Wedge.

Announcer: The Ballblaster Flying Wedge is the only wedge

crafted from a 99% titanium cobalt alloy.

You'll hit harder, faster, and straighter.

Dry sand, wet sand, even quicksand

is no match for the Ballblaster Flying Wedge.

Without it you're trapped.

Alright, very nice!

(applause and chatter continues)

And Ryan will be showing off the new Flying Wedge

when he teams with yours truly

at the Crosby Pro-Am! Right, Pods?

Well, after seeing your swing

I'd rather be teamed with Joe Pesci.

I like to win these things.

How'd I end up with you, anyway?

(laughing)

Arliss, thanks for hooking Ryan up with Ballblaster.

Never say "hook" around here, huh?

(laughter)

Guys, I think it's a great spot.

Ryan, what do you think?

Hey, Kirby,

who signed your ball?

This ball?

This ball is from the Cal/Stanford game, 1975.

Six seconds left, I take the snap.

Fake a hand off to the upback,

bootleg right, drop back,

threaded a perfect pass through three defenders

to Billy Noland!

Touchdown! That pigskin won us the PAC-8 co championship.

Really?

Mind if I keep it?

Kirby?

Arliss (narrating): I'm only as successful as those who work for me.

My greatest assets are my employees.

Sure.

The spot's great.

(laughter)

(indistinct chatter)

Arliss (narrating): Unselfish and loyal,

Kirby Carlisle would give me the shirt off his back.

In fact, I defy you to find someone

who'd say a bad word about Kirby Carlisle.

Kirby Carlisle gave me herpes!

That's an absolute lie! She gave it to me!

That's quite enough, Mr. Carlisle.

Your honor, my client hasn't been charged

with the transmission of a disease.

Damn right!

The charges against my client are false imprisonment,

breach of promise, verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse my ass, she gave me the herp!

And stress makes it come back!

- Mr. Carlisle! - (hammering)

See how he talks, see how he is?!

I'll probably get another outbreak by the end of today!

Mr. Carlisle!

I don't wanna have to warn you again.

Your honor, this is ridiculous. She had, like, seven Stoli's,

not to mention, the Prozac and fen-phen chasers!

He held me hostage!

(scoffs) She was drunk on her ass!

I took her keys so she couldn't drive!

He saved her life, perhaps the lives of others.

We're looking at an American hero!

- Fuckin' "A"! - (groans)

Mr. Carlisle!

That's the last time I'll warn you.

And one more outburst,

and I will hold the offending party in contempt.

(indistinct chatter)

Arliss (narrating): Passionate about life,

Kirby chooses his words very carefully.

Okay, Eagles plus three over Cowboys.

I want Niner's over the Rams,

Ravens, plus the points,

Jacksonville over Seattle.

Wait a second, Kirb, Jacksonville over my ass, alright?

You haven't even paid your tab from last month.

Just carry it over, I always pay up.

No can do, man, we're cutting you off.

Sign here.

What?

And that's not the half.

Lippy wants you squared by December 1,

or else you gonna end up like Bob Mostow down at Kinko's.

Shame about his accident, huh?

What accident?

Oh, it's the damnedest thing.

He's walking along and all of a sudden

his legs run into a baseball bat.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

You got any packages to go?

No.

Hey, tell him not to worry.

I mean, how much could I owe anyway?

Oh, c'mon.

I've got like four savings accounts.

They've all been drained.

You don't have any money.

I gotta have money!

Well, there's your IRA

but you don't wanna go into your IRA.

You went into your IRA.

The viper!

You are a piece of work.

What is this "Lippy Enterprises" hmm?

That's my therapist.

You mean your bookie.

Well, it's therapy for me!

You know, and my therapist wants money.

Kirby, this is outrageous.

$200, $400...

$1,200, Kirby?

You're hemorrhaging money.

Shit!

Bottom line is you have...

$3,745 liquid.

I suggest you give that money to your "therapist"

as an act of good faith

so that you can continuing practicing

whatever faith you are.

God, you know, if only that pyramid money would just kick in!

I told you pyramids were a stupid idea!

I know, I know!

I hope we get our money back.

(traffic noise)

Oh, yeah! Deep deep!

Yes, yes!

Ooooh!

That'll teach you to go into that hole!

- (sighs) - You know, you haven't returned one phone...

What the hell are you doing?

Practicing my irons.

Oh, my God, no you're not. Stop it!

You're gonna kill someone.

I am not.

I'm gonna take this six iron

and fade it right across Wilshire Blvd.

So it drops nicely

onto the LA Country Club's driving range.

I'm gonna need the practice if I'm gonna win the Crosby. Excuse me.

What are you nuts?

You're right.

It's a five.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Look at this place!

You are obsessed.

Okay, even if you and Ryan win, so what?

He's the pro, he'll get the money.

You're an amateur.

What do you get, like, an ugly piece of crystal?

Wrong.

I get to be in the arena.

The arena?

You see, Rita,

I'm at an age now where I realize

I can't pitch to Barry Bonds in Yankee Stadium.

I can't catch a TD pass from Dan Marino in the Super Bowl

and I sure as hell can't drain a three-pointer

to beat Michael in the Bulls.

But I can be on the 18th green

at the Crosby Pro-Am

and hear the TV announcer say,

"This is Arliss Michaels.

He has this putt to win the championship."

And at that moment

as I stand over the ball...

and drown out the crowd.

I am...

in the arena.

(crowd applause)

An arena you're in due to your hard work

and determination

and because you made it a deal point

in Ryan's Ballblaster contract.

How did you know about that?

Never mind how I know.

But does Ryan Mason III know?

- No... - What the hell is this?

That's our scorecard from Ojai, I need you to sign that.

I know what it is.

Your score was 85, this card reads "96".

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm a 16 handicap now.

I gotta get it up to 19.

I'm gonna need those three extra strokes to win the Crosby.

"Win the Crosby"?

I gotta win, I gotta win!

I mean, as defending champion,

that's the one sure way to know you'll be invited back.

(laughing)

I forbid you to wear this.

Arliss, this is sandbagging.

Beware of the golf gods, they like to get even.

Yeah, well, you tell the golf gods to go suck my dick.

Where the hell were the golf gods

when I shot a 98 at Pebble, huh?

Tell the golf golds that they're in to me for $475 worth of skins.

Stop it!

This is blasphemy!

This is tasteless.

This is enough.

I need you to both to, as the French say,

scramé vous. Okay?

No more negativity.

I need to be in the zone.

Hey, Kirbs, can I borrow a quarter?

I gotta go plug my meter.

I don't have any fucking money!

Okay.

Hey, Rita, is Arliss busy?

Well, that depends on how you define "busy."

Okay.

- Boss. - Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, how's the king of the court?

(laughter)

Listen, boss, I need you to advance me my bonus.

You're not still worried about that lawsuit, are you?

That's part of it, right, yeah.

Relax, you're gonna beat those charges.

You didn't do anything.

I know, but Bernie wants me to settle!

Relax, she's got nothing.

Besides the judge is on your side.

How do you know that?

Because he's a guy.

A guy who happens to be a member of my country club.

A guy who happened to be in my foursome Saturday.

And a guy whose wife just happened to divorce him

and take him to the cleaners.

So you ask me, how do I know the judge is on your side?

He's a guy?

He's a guy! He's a guy!

- He's a guy, yeah. - He's a guy.

Take a swing, take a swing.

How do I know?

- He's just a guy. - He's a guy!

He's gonna see through her like crap through a goose.

You know why?

Together: He's a guy!

A guy!

He's a guy! He's just a guy!

- You mean, all I gotta... - By the way, Lance was here.

He delivered this package for you.

(screams)

(glass breaking)

That's not awful, what's your handicap?

16, but I'm working on it.

We can do some damage.

Unless you leave your "A" game on the driving range

like most of you fucking amateurs do at the Pro-Ams.

Tee one up, we'll do some spot welding.

See if we can repair your swing.

- (groans) - (back cracking)

What's wrong?

My back.

What?

Don't touch. Don't, don't, don't, don't!

Well, look at the bright side,

finally you have a reason

to use those handicap parking plates.

Maybe you should get an MRI.

I don't have time for an MRI. I don't have time for anything.

Why'd this have to happen to me now? Why now?

I think you know exactly why.

Oh, don't give me any of this "golf god" bullshit.

Fine, learn the hard way.

Rita, I need drugs.

No. No drugs, I'll get my cousin to fix you.

Fix him? What is he, a vet?

Rita: No, he's an acupuncturist.

He's the best in the business.

He worked on Lee Travino's back when he got hit by lightning.

Good, good, good. I need to get better by the tournament.

Arliss, you're not gonna play in any golf tournament.

The hell I'm not!

All my life I've dreamed of playing in the Crosby.

And now that I am finally in

I am not going to miss it.

Okay, help me up, help me up.

- Aah! - (bones crack)

I don't know. Maybe we should've settled.

Relax, he's a guy.

Listen, no matter which way he rules just keep your mouth shut, okay?

Hey, he's a guy. He's gonna see through her like shit through a goose.

Kirby's lawyer: I hope you're right.

In fact, I bet he gives it to her with both barrels.

- You know why? - He's a guy?

He's a guy!

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

After reviewing the charges

and weighing all of the evidence.

I'm of the opinion that this country...

You said it, your honor!

This cunt has no right to accuse me of false imprisonment!

- Judge: Mr. Carlisle! - What did I tell you?!

I did everything for this bitch!

- Mr. Carlisle! - God bless you, your honor!

You're my kinda guy!

Mr. Carlisle,

you didn't let me finish.

Go ahead.

I was trying to say,

this country's judicial system

is intolerant of misogynistic behavior.

Are you saying

that my mother's Thanksgiving dinner is bad?

No, I'm saying I don't like yams

and sweet potatoes and cranberries.

I'm big on the concept of Thanksgiving,

I'm not big on the food.

Ryan, don't worry, I'm fine, I'm fine.

You better be. I'm not gonna hit the ball then drag Arliss,

hit the ball, then drag Arliss.

I'm getting a little acupuncture now.

- Everything's gonna be great! Ow! - No, no, no!

I think your dad getting drunk and running around with the electric knife, yelling,

"Look at me! I'm Leather Face!" wasn't all that amusing.

Well, that's because your side of the face is humorless.

I swear to you, I'm fine!

It's just a little sprain.

My side of the family isn't a bunch of inebriates

like you and your sisters!

Once a year we drink to hide the pain.

The pain in our ass which is your family.

- Look, Ryan, don't worry, don't worry. - (phone rings)

I'll be back on my feet by the end of the day, okay?

I'll talk to you later, bye.

Arliss, it's the Ballblaster people,

they say it's an emergency.

Arliss, we got a problem here.

The greater Columbus Open,

last weekend.

Enjoy.

Announcer: That's Ryan Mason.

Freeze it.

Notice the club?

It's not ours.

Are you sure?

Announcer: And Ryan Mason III has gone to his heirloom sandwich

here on 13.

It has a hickory shaft and was first used by his father of the Crosby in 1967.

Look, I'm sure there's an explanation for this.

You know, I'll bet he probably left it at the previous hole.

I do that all the time. You know, I was playin' La Quinta last week,

I think I finished the round

with a driver and a sandwich, that was it.

I doubt he left it on the course, Arliss.

Pros have these people called caddies who pick up after them.

- This is serious, goddammit! - (Arliss moans)

What we've got here is product defamation!

We don't just pay Ryan $2 million to wear our logo,

we need him to use our club!

Look, I'm playing with Ryan at the Crosby Pro-Am this weekend.

I'll make sure he uses the club.

Well, we were thinking of asking him to skip the Crosby

until this thing is settled.

Skip the Crosby?

Until this matter's resolved.

We will not be made fools of on national television!

Look, this won't happen again.

I'll make sure that Ryan Mason uses the Flying Wedge.

In fact, he'll be flying with the Flying Wedge.

That's a new campaign,

"Swing and fly with the Flying Wedge!"

"Come fly with me..."

Alright! But if he doesn't,

not only will we void his contract,

but we'll sue his Sansabelt ass for damages.

And it'll be the first and the last time

Arliss Michaels ever plays the Crosby!

Hit 'em straight.

How's the back?

The back is back.

Look, Ryan.

Ballblaster is threatening to tear up your contract

unless you use their club.

Hey, if Albert Bell decided to use an Adirondack

instead of a Louisville Slugger

would you fly to Chicago and threaten him?

- It's not... - What I do out here is my business.

This is my office.

You just worry about your game.

Look, before you go,

sign my scorecard.

(chuckling) You didn't play.

Details, details.

I'll sign it for you.

(screams)

(back cracking)

Yes, we received the Vicodin, Doctor,

but we seem to be running out of the Percodan,

the Indecin, Xanax, and the Medrol dose pack.

Uh-oh.

Again?

(groans)

Stanley (distorted): Arliss?

Aah!

Golf god!

You didn't listen to me.

I warned you this would happen.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to cheat.

I'm really a 17.

Just please forgive me.

Please let me walk, let me walk!

What the hell's going on?

Stanley: He's drugged!

He hurt his back.

(record scratch)

Kirby, Kirby?

Is that my guy?

Yes, yes. I'm right here for you, boss.

How'd it go, did you win?

Yes and no.

The judge threw out all the charges.

Good.

Except verbal abuse.

Can you believe that fucking guy?!

Now it's gonna cost me another $25,000

on top of the $40,000 I already gotta pay my therapist!

Kirby, Kirby, it's only money.

There are more important things in life.

He's high.

Oh, man, I'm glad you said that, boss.

'Cause, listen, I really, really need that bonus.

(Rita cackles)

Okay, Kirby,

I'll advance you the bonus.

He's very high.

Kirby,

you've got to represent AMM in the Crosby.

Me?

I can't go.

Make sure that Ryan Mason

uses the Flying Wedge in the Crosby

and not his daddy's club and I'll give you your bonus.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

If Ryan blows the deal, you ain't getting shit.

Oh, no, don't worry, I'll make sure

Ryan doesn't pull that ol'

hickory stick out of his bag once during the Crosby.

There's one other thing.

What?

You gotta win! You gotta win! You gotta win!

I gotta win.

I gotta know I'm gonna be in the Crosby next year.

I gotta know I'm gonna play there.

I gotta know I'm gonna be in the arena.

Don't worry, you can count on me, boss.

(yelping) Rita! Rita!

I'm right here.

Get me my Demerol IV.

Okay, shh. Okay.

Get me my Demerol IV.

Okay, now, since money isn't important to you now,

how about a raise?

I'm not that high!

I'm not that high!

I'm not that high.

(groans)

Can he get an epidural?

This is an MRI, not a C-Section.

Arliss (narrating): Sometimes I can't be two places at once.

Ow!!

I'm sorry, no metal.

Arliss (narrating): That's why if I need a pinch hitter

I can send my ace in the hole, Kirby Carlisle,

to handle any situation.

The beauty, the splendor, the tradition,

for the 31st year, the Crosby.

Welcome everyone, Jim Nantz,

along with my celebrated colleague and author,

the iconoclastic Gary McCord.

Gary, there's nothing quite like being here at the Crosby.

The feel of this golf tournament,

and Jim, everything, the history behind it,

it gets me all excited.

You know, every amateur across the country

dreams of getting the invitation

to play in this tournament.

Now, let's bring in the host, the man who founded this event,

- Norm Crosby. - Hi, Jim.

How do you feel about your tournament this year?

I'm so excited, I can't tell you.

You know, we raised a lot of money for charity

and last year, we were able to build a halfway house in Los Angeles

for girls that don't wanna go all the way.

And I'm just so thrilled and so proud

of all the wonderful athletes and celebrities

who are not ashamed to come here and play,

and show the world that they're not working.

You should be proud.

Let's check the leader board in the final hole.

There's a tie for the lead

between the team of Ryan Mason III

and his playing partner, Kirby Carlisle,

and the team of NBA start, Dwayne Schintzius

and his pro partner, VJ Slurman.

This is the accomplished pro Ryan Mason

at the 18th with his approach.

No.

Jim: That ball's in the front bumper.

Gary: That's okay for the Mason/Carlisle team, Jim.

Kirby is two feet from the hole. He's got a kick-in.

As an amateur,

I think even he can make that putt.

Yeah, yeah.

Jim: Remember in this Pro-Am format,

only the best score for the team

counts for each hole.

Carlisle is marking his ball.

You use that club, you lose the endorsement.

It's that simple!

Only our best score counts, right?

I can make that putt.

It's a two-footer.

Use the club.

This isn't just about money, it's about winning.

Ballblaster will get over this.

If not, there's 100 other companies

that wanna be in the Ryan Mason III business.

So, just stand back.

Look, you don't know what this means to me.

My bonus depends on you using that club.

Do this for me.

I got needs!

And so does my therapist!

Jim: Carlisle and Mason seem to be discussing club selection.

What's that all about, Gary?

Gary: I really don't know,

but we'll see here in a second what kinda club.

Maybe he's trying to use a pitching wedge out of that burial, I don't know.

Jim: Looks as though Ryan is...

Wait, yeah, he's going to use the Ballblaster Flying Wedge.

Don't worry, you can watch TV

and remember, don't move!

Gary: You know, Kirby had to fill in

for Arliss Michaels at the last minute.

You know, Arliss hurt his back running in the LA Marathon.

Jim: Well, we all send along our best wishes

for a speedy recovery to Arliss.

(crowd groans)

(groans)

Come on.

(crowd groans)

Gary: You don't see a pro do that often, do you?

Jim: I don't think he's comfortable with that club.

(crowd murmuring)

(crowd groans)

Jim: He's left it in the bunker again.

- He did it again! - Gary: I don't believe that.

Don't do anything stupid.

This is the worst fucking club

I've ever played in my life!

You know why they call it "the Flying Wedge"?

- (metal snaps) - That's why!

Gary: Isn't that awful?

It's too bad the children watching at home had to see that.

Get me legal.

- Aw, fuck. - Jim: Mason has picked up, he's out of the hole,

But remember, only the best score of the team counts.

Arliss (narrating): Kirby's job, to dodge the bullet,

to put out fires, to be the trouble-shooter.

Gary: Jim, it all comes down to this semi- "give me."

If Carlisle makes it, that's it, they win.

C'mon, for me, so I'm there next year.

Jim: It all comes down to Kirby Carlisle.

Right edge, don't give the hole away.

I need you to make this putt.

Make it for me.

(crowd groans)

Gary: He missed it!

Oh, Christ.

Jim: So close.

He's gotta tap in, though, we'll have a tie.

Gary: It looks like a playoff.

Aah!

Gary: He missed it, I don't believe it.

Please don't move, Mr. Michaels!

Choke.

Gary: That putt just cost Ryan Mason $125,000.

Dwayne Schintzius and VJ Slurman are your new champions.

(crying)

Norm: Look, there's another $50,000.

Ryan: What are you doing?

You're costin' me money! What in the hell...

are you doing?!

I'm costing you the money you cost me,

you selfish scumbag!

(Arliss screams)

And I want my football back!

Fuck!

This is terrible. Is he doing this on purpose?

Norm: I don't know, but he's playing a lot of ping-pong

with it out there right now, Jim.

But it looks like he's trying to do it on purpose.

That's derogatory to the tourniquet.

Get me outta here! Get me outta here!

Mr. Michaels, do you want me to come in there after you?!

You invited this guy. What's going on?

It'll be a cold day in hell before he'll play again

and Arliss Michaels, too.

I'll kill ya!

Arliss (narrating): It's reassuring that I can go on vacation

or call in sick

knowing my business is in the capable hands

- Dammit! - Of people like Kirby Carlisle.

Oh!

Man, I've played for the Nets and the Clippers,

and I've never seen anything this bad.

Oh!

Here's your fucking bonus!

Mr. Michaels, stop moving!

- (screaming) - Please don't move! Please don't move!

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Nurse: Mr. Michaels, do you want me

to come in there after you?!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(singular clapping)

♪ ♪