Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy,

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

(water splashing)

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): The average career span of a professional basketball player

is only 4.6 years.

The window of opportunity for earning power

is very brief.

On top of all this, professional sport's owners

have imposed a limit on how much money

these artists can earn.

This is known as "the salary cap".

Jimmy Austin,

how's the king of the swing men?

Unemployed,

unless you're here to tell me I'm not.

Well, I can't say for certain,

but I got a meeting with Frank Potts today

and I'm just gonna have to convince him

that you are the missing piece of his championship puzzle.

You and that sweet, sweet shot.

Sweet enough to make Frank Potts smile?

Nothing makes Frank Potts smile.

It says "tight-ass" on his business card.

But he likes you, I'll make it happen.

Arliss, I know you will.

It's just the season is five weeks away.

And I've never gone this long without a contract.

And you're worried that you're getting old and slow,

and no team wants you.

Something like that.

Well, you're lucky, I specialize in old and slow.

Yeah, I know, that's why I signed with you.

(gasps)

(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

It's for you.

For me?

Hello.

There's nobody there, what do you mean?

I mean, it's for you...

from me, Arliss Michaels.

Number one on your speed dialing,

number one in your heart.

Thanks, man.

Relax, Potts is gonna love you.

And why not? You've got the goods. You're a...

local kid, a selfless team player

who is giving you the chance to sign him for...

And only because he is a local kid...

Two and a half million a year.

We love Jimmy, we'd love to bring him here.

But I gotta ask you one question.

- What's that? - Where in the fuck's the money coming from?

I got no room under the salary cap. Why?

Because a certain Damian Niles

is getting 38% of it.

Wait a second.

Are you saying that Damian Niles isn't earning his salary?

No. Damian Niles is a superstar.

No, no, Damian Niles is a white superstar.

How many of them are there?

Besides, we're not talking about Damian Niles,

we're talking about Jimmy Austin.

Yeah, but you see, I got a little problem.

First, if you want us to sign your client Jimmy,

then your client Damian's gonna have to defer some dough.

And I mean a lot of dough...

to keep us under the salary cap.

Well, then I'm gonna want a nice fat extension,

say four years at Shaq type numbers.

I knew you'd say that.

Which is where my little problem comes in.

Because there ain't no way

that I'm gonna make a commitment to a kid like that

who's trying to fucking kill himself.

Damian kill himself?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about driving Formula-One race cars,

jumping out of airplanes,

going on SWAT team raids!

He's 26-years-old, he's a kid!

Hey, personally, I don't give a fuck

if he wants to break his neck.

But I've shelled out a lot of my boss' dough for him,

so I want you to have a chat with that fucking lunatic

and keep him healthy so we make the playoffs!

I resent you calling my client a lunatic.

He happens to be an outstanding young man

with his feet firmly planted on the ground.

Yahoo...!

Arliss (narrating): Athletes get a bum rap.

Depicted as egotistical,

- irresponsible spoiled babies. - (parachute deploys)

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Whoo!

Yeah, man!

Whoo! Yes!

Whoo!

That was like sex without the lawsuits, bro!

Whoo! I'm gonna go again.

Help me out with this thing, man.

So, Damian, what do you think?

Deferring some salary could get Jimmy Austin on the team

which might mean a real shot at the championship.

I decline to defer and that's "de" end of it, bro.

Wait, wait, wait, but I can get you a fat contract extension.

Could be talking Shaq numbers.

Better be. I got just as many championships as he does.

- (chuckles) - So, what do you think?

Okay.

You get me an extension, I'll defer.

Okay!

Now, there is one other little thing.

They want you to give up all this daredevil stuff.

They say it's too dangerous.

Bullshit!

This is no more dangerous than cliff diving

- or bungee jumping! - Damian!

Fuck 'em!

I always wanted to be a Laker anyway.

Call Jerry West.

Damian, you make $8 million a year

in the NBA.

Why risk extreme games? That's extreme cash.

I'm not giving this up, bro, man.

This is the only way I know that I'm alive.

And you're gonna break your neck trying to prove it!

I mean, cliff jumping?

Hang gliding? I mean, doesn't anything scare you?

I don't much like wolves.

Wolves?

When I was a kid,

I was playing with my dog one day

and a wolf came out of nowhere,

grabbed her,

and I never saw her again.

And whenever I hear a wolf

I think that she's coming to get me.

Terrible story.

Look, if you're injured doing any of this stuff

they can suspend your salary.

Don't think they won't!

Listen, bro,

if you're telling me I can't do this anymore

maybe I better just find myself another agent.

Did I say that? I'm not saying that!

In fact I think you should fuck 'em!

I think you should go dirt-biking!

You know what I hear the ultimate extreme is?

Snowmobiling, huh? Yeah, snowmobiling!

(phone ringing)

Wait, excuse me.

It's for you.

There's nobody there.

I mean, it's for you.

Remember, number one on your speed dial...

Arliss (narrating): In this high stakes, ever-changing

worldwide web we live in,

it's imperative to embrace fresh, bold, new ideas.

The big Middle East?

It's a new basketball league.

They got teams in Tel Aviv,

Damascus, Jerusalem, all over.

I've been schmoozing them.

Long story, short. They wanna pay top dollar for our clients.

- Our clients who wanna move to Cairo. - Exactly.

Fellas, this is the man

who's gonna make it all happen.

Arliss Michaels.

A pleasure.

Mr. Michaels,

is it true that you do not validate the parking?

Sorry, afraid not, company policy.

(speaking Arabic)

Stanley, start going through Damian's contact.

See where we can start deferring payments.

You talked Van Damme lite into deferring?

Yeah, assuming we can convince Potts into giving him an extension.

- Good! - And be sure we have enough money left for

- What's his name. - Jimmy Austin.

Uh, yeah, right.

"Sports Illustrated" called.

- Oh, shit, who's been arrested? - Nobody.

Oh, well, just tell 'em he's a sweet man,

deeply religious, just misunderstood.

No, they're doing a story on agents,

and they want to interview you.

Another slanted story about agents?

Sorry, much too busy.

Oh, well, too bad, it was a possible cover story.

The salary cap is unfair,

un-American, unconstitutional.

Big smile.

Yeah, but shouldn't there be a level playing field?

I mean, when you play "Monopoly,"

doesn't everyone start out with $200?

Yes, but professional sports isn't "Monopoly."

They are a monopoly.

Over here.

Look, it's business.

You still have management verses your labor class.

Your labor class had an average salary

of $2.1 million last year even with the cap.

Yes, but sports is entertainment.

And there's no salary cap in the music business

or on television or in the movies.

Look, if you were gonna do "Rain Man II"

and Dustin Hoffman gets $20 million for the picture,

no one steps in to cap Tom Cruise.

By the way, don't let me forget to validate your parking.

Knock, knock.

Arliss: Yes?

Umm...

This just arrived.

Boss, someone sent you a present.

Really? From whom?

Women in distress of Brower County.

"Please accept this as a token of our appreciation.

"Your donated fee speech

was motivational as well as inspirational."

Kirby: Hello!

It's a box full of steaks!

No.

This is so moving.

Nancy, Dusty, share the moment.

Each of you, please, take a porterhouse.

Sorry, we're both vegetarians.

Oh.

Stupid idea!

I didn't...

The David Falk shoot won't be this entertaining.

David Falk shoot?

I thought this was for the cover.

Well, they asked me to photograph you

full frame, vertical format.

- That's a solo covershot. - Good.

But that's also how they told me

to shoot Mike Armstrong and David Falk.

Oh.

So, I guess you three guys are slugging it out for the cover.

Is Falk a nice guy? I got him tomorrow at 10:00.

Is anything wrong?

No, David Falk is a great guy

and he happens to be one of my closest and dearest friends.

And personally, I think he's getting a real bum rap

on this Michael Jordan thing.

Together: What Michael Jordan thing?

There is no Michael Jordan thing!

Do you deny that you cheated your client, Michael Jordan,

on his back-end profits on "Space Jam?"

Categorically and officially.

Now, listen. I don't wanna confuse you with the facts or anything,

but you know, I waived my executive producer fee on "Space Jam."

Big smile, Mr. Falk.

Now, about that cologne...

Who is feeding you all this nonsense?!

Mike Armstrong, line two.

Eisner?

Murdock.

One moment, please.

He's just finishing up a call with Rupert Murdock.

Together: One Mississippi,

two Mississippi, three Mississippi.

Michael, buddy,

to what do I owe the honor?

You're a real con, Arliss.

I don't know what you mean.

Those rumors about Falk and Jordan.

I recognized the Arliss Michaels touch right away.

I'm just glad I had my interview last week.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

How do you find the time to plan stuff like that?

My client load is so damn heavy

I can't be sitting around designing practical jokes.

Listen, Mike, you know one thing...

I'll send you a copy of my "Sports Illustrated" cover

when it comes out.

- Autographed. - Your cover, huh?

Your cover?!

Ciao, baby. (laughs)

(line clicks, dial tone)

Yeah, you'll make the cover alright.

The cover of "Cocksucker Quarterly!"

Will you stop torturing yourself?

It's just some magazine.

I hope you're kidding.

Okay, then, I'm kidding.

"Sports Illustrated" happens to be the only thing our clients read,

and that includes their own autobiographies.

If they happen to see Mike Armstrong's face on the cover

instead of mine, they'll start flocking to him

like flounders swimming upstream.

Salmon.

The point is,

I'm trying to protect a client base here.

Oh, so it's not a ego thing.

"Ego"?

Rita, this is me.

- (knocking) - Yo, Arliss, you got a minute?

Jimmy A., never too big, come on in here!

- Hi, Jimmy, how you doing? - Fine, Rita. How you doing?

Hey, my man.

Hey, how's it going with Potts?

Don't worry, I am on it.

You are as good as signed.

Look, um, I'm late for a meeting right now.

Do you have any dinner plans tonight?

No plans.

Great.

Here you go.

It makes a London broil,

melts in your mouth.

London broil?

Alright, as of right now, your team salary cap is $24.3 million.

Currently, Damian Nile" payments are due

the 1st and the 15th of each month through 1999.

But in order to find enough room under the cap to sign Jimmy Austin...

We could extend Damian's payment schedule through the year 2017.

That's creative.

Now, I want the first 10 years of Damian's deferments

to be paid in cash.

The second ten in gold.

Also, he has this ranch in Montana, he's been trying to sell.

- You now own it. - What?!

Now, enough about Damian's deferments.

Let's talk about a contract extension. Stanley?

Well, if you take Shaq's '96 contract numbers

as a starting point...

No, first, let's talk about Damian's lifestyle.

I told you to have a chat with him about it, Arliss.

I did.

It went very well.

Arliss, he said he was gonna cut out all that daredevil shit?

He did.

He really said that?

You have my word.

Don't you fuck with me, Arliss.

Fuck with you? Frank!

I spoke with him and he told me in no uncertain terms

that his reckless days have all blown over.

Damian: Yee-ha!

So, O'Malley looks me in the eye and says,

"Arliss, what should I do?"

I looked him back in the eye and said,

"Peter, nothing lasts forever.

Sell the Dodgers."

Yeah, well, that's totally off the record.

I don't like to blow my own horn.

Let me tell you another great story about me, okay?

The other day... Bob?

Arliss: Bob Aaron! How's the lord of the ring?

Arliss, how are you?

Meet my next champion, Floyd Mayweather.

Pretty boy Floyd Mayweather.

Pretty boy, an honor to meet an Olympic hero.

Look, guys, pull up a chair and have a drink with us.

Arliss, I wish we could, but we're meeting somebody.

Oh, here he is!

Hello, Mr. Michaels.

Hi, Nancy, Dusty.

- Hey, Mike. - Mike.

So, I see you decided to crash our little celebration, huh?

- Celebration? - Together: What celebration?

You'll read about it tomorrow in the papers.

Bob and I are starting a new boxing channel.

24 hours a day.

A 24 hour a day boxing channel?

Oh, come on, guys. No offense, but lots of luck finding subscribers.

No, we've got 30 million.

- Revenues are estimated to be $400 million. - (Arliss coughing)

It's gonna be the first, last and best place

to watch boxing on TV.

No reason to get HBO anymore.

Arliss, you're gonna like our channel.

Lots of...

lightweights. (chuckles)

Well, good to see ya.

Ladies, excuse us. Fellas.

Mr. Armstrong, about your new channel.

Could I just ask you...

24 hour boxing, all pugs, all the time.

Why didn't I think of that?

It's over, Armstrong stole my cover!

Maybe not.

You need to come up with one big idea.

I mean a Hail Mary, a blockbuster.

And I got just the thing.

Close your eyes, close your eyes!

Keep 'em closed,

close 'em.

Close your eyes, keep 'em closed.

Keep 'em closed, keep 'em closed!

Open 'em.

What's this, "Arliss of Arabia"?

No, it's the Big Middle East.

You know, we let 'em sign one of guys.

You fly over there, shake some hands,

get your picture taken at the Wailing Wall.

Enough with this idea!

It's a great idea, isn't it, Stanley?

Oh, I no longer answer to Stanley.

Call me Ali Baba.

There's a lot of money here, this could be big.

Take this back.

What the hell's on your wrist?

What?

Did they give you a retainer?

- They did, didn't they? - I won't bring it up again.

How much? How much?!

Forget it!

Bad idea!

Turn on TNT.

What?

Obviously this is a tragedy

that will rock the world of professional basketball.

Again our breaking story.

There's been an avalanche

in the Sierra Nevada mountains of Northern California

and there are unconfirmed reports

that it has claimed the life

of basketball great, Damian Niles.

Oh, my God!

The NBA star whose daredevil reputation was well known

had been snowmobiling in the area.

Snowmobiling?

News anchor: As this dramatic home video shows,

Niles apparently lost his race

with a deadly wall of powder and ice.

A nearby snowmobiler who witnessed the incident

gave this account.

The last thing that I saw

was Damian going right into the avalanche.

Now he's gone.

Some guys can surf that stuff.

I mean, didn't you ever watch those disaster specials on FOX?

News anchor: Once again an avalanche in California

has apparently put an abrupt and tragic end

to the playing days

of basketball superstar Damian Niles.

Arliss (narrating): The average career span

of a professional basketball player

is 4.6 years.

Damian: If you're telling me I can't do this anymore,

maybe I better just find myself another agent.

Arliss: Know what I hear the ultimate extreme is?

Snowmobiling, huh? Huh! Snowmobiling!

Frank...

C'mon in. Thanks for coming, have a drink.

I can't stay.

I just wanted to let you know, I've been thinking about you

ever since I heard the news.

Oh, thanks, man, I appreciate it.

(groans)

I've been thinking about how you lied to me

about Damian's activities!

"You have my word."

I built a whole team around him, you prick!

He'd still be alive

if you weren't his accomplice in suicide.

I almost forgot, it's the 15th.

His annuity payment.

Here's a $1.5 million I can spend on someone else.

Someone else who's not a lunatic.

Call me tomorrow, asshole,

we'll talk about Jimmy Austin.

- Rita: Hi, Frank. - Yeah.

Rita: Bye, Frank.

Arliss, I forgot to phone the funeral...

Arliss, what happened?

I slipped.

Did he hit you?

I said I slipped, okay?

If I get you really drunk sometime

will you tell me what happened to you as a kid?

Rita,

ultimately one is responsible

for one's own actions, right?

What?

Ultimately one is responsible for one's own actions!

Let me get you something for that.

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels.

Damian: Arliss, how's it going?

Damian?

Yeah, listen, bro, I need you to help me!

Damian, do you know what's going on here?

Everybody thinks you're dead!

Almost was!

It was extreme, bro!

Whoa!

Damian, are you safe? Where are you?

Yeah, I've been chilling in this cave.

A cave?!

Yeah, I got a little frostbite on my hands.

The only thing I could do is speed dial one.

(laughing) Ow!

- Who is it? - It's Damian.

- Damian? - (phone ringing)

Damian, hold on a second, don't go anywhere.

Damian: Arliss!

Don't give it to me.

- Damian: Arliss! - Arliss Michaels.

Arliss, Jerry West.

On behalf of the entire Laker organization,

I can't tell you how sorry we are.

Jerry, I really appreciate that.

Can I get back to you right away?

Jerry: This was a tragic loss for everyone.

He was the one player

the Laker organization coveted the most.

- Damian: Arliss! - This guy was a superstar.

Damian: Arliss!

A white superstar.

Jerry, I know this isn't the time,

but hypothetically speaking,

what would that be worth on today's marketplace?

What are you doing?

Well, there's really no telling.

For a player's contract that's expired

the money could be incredible.

Right, there's no telling.

But if you had to put a price tag on it.

Arliss, Damian's on hold.

Damian (crying): Arliss!

Thanks Jerry, bye.

Damian, Damian, are you still there?

I'm gonna try to walk into Truckee now,

and get a motel room.

No, no, no, don't do that!

Damian, listen to me! You stay exactly where you are.

But Arliss, it's cold here!

It's starting to snow again, I could get stuck.

Damian, no, no! No, you've got to stay there!

- What are you doing? - I need him to stay dead.

Damian, you hear me?

But Arliss, I'm losing the feeling in my legs

and my fire's getting low.

Fire?

What fire? You can't have a fire!

Why?!

Because fire attracts wolves!

- Wolves? - Yeah, wolves, it's very dangerous.

- Don't you dare move! - I don't believe what I'm hearing!

- Howl like a wolf. - What? I will not!

- How like a wolf. - No!

- Oww! - What was that?

What was what? I thought that came from your side.

Arliss, I think I'm hallucinating.

Look, Damian, leave your cell phone on, I'll have it tracked.

Just don't move, I'm on my way!

Arliss! Arliss!

There is a man dying out there.

He may not make it.

He's tough, he should make it.

Arliss!

Look, I just need him to stay dead for...

another six hours.

Six...

Arliss: Hi, kids!

Frank, Lucille,

forgive me for waking you up this time of night,

but it literally is a matter of life and death.

How the fuck did you get in here?!

I bribed the maid with the bonus that you're gonna give her.

Arliss?

Ooh, what happened to your eye?

Your husband slugged me earlier this evening.

Frank, you told me you didn't go to the bar.

Actually, it was in my office.

- (chuckles) - You think this is funny?!

I'm gonna stomp your fucking ass...

You're gonna do exactly what I tell you to do.

You know why?

Because Damian's alive.

- (gasps) - Alive?

Fuck you.

No, no, fuck you.

- Sorry. - (scoffs)

That's right, Frank, alive.

You know, like Bobby Ewing getting out of the shower.

And here's the best part...

do you know that annuity payment you missed

two minutes ago?

(thud)

That was a breach of Damian's contract.

That means that Damian is now a free agent.

That means I can sell him to the highest bidder!

Unless you give me every penny you've got.

Understand?

Would you care for some coffee?

Actually, I prefer tea.

I wanna have every penny you've got under the cap.

This year, next year, and the year after that.

I want you so capped, you're tapped.

This is gonna be a new NBA record.

Arliss (narrating): The salary cap is a cancer on our society.

Each year we hear about the athletes who get rich.

We don't hear about the victims.

Because of the salary cap restrictions,

Jimmy Austin remained unsigned by an NBA team.

Fortunately, I was able to find Jimmy

a more lucrative offer.

Arliss, not only did you save Damian's life,

you got him the biggest deal in the history of the NBA!

Just doing my job.

Arliss, it's good to see you.

Better than good, it's the cover.

Arliss (narrating): My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.