Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels,

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: Later in life, long after the speed,

the agility, the physical prowess are gone,

the student athlete will always have

what no one can take from him...

an education.

One particular student athlete comes to mind.

A few years ago,

I was returning from a Japanese/U.S.

goodwill baseball tour,

when our plane was forced to land

at an air base in Alaska.

I know I'm gonna put Gibson up to hit

because he's capable of hitting the ball

out of the ballpark.

Eckersley's gonna give him the pitch he wants to hit.

Oh, not this Kirk Gibson horseshit story again!

The fact is, if Eckersley doesn't walk Mike Davis,

Gibson doesn't even come to bat!

What do you know?

You got me stuck here in Alaska!

What the hell's going on?

It was either stop here and refuel,

or crash over Vancouver.

Yeah, but how long does it take to put fuel in an airplane?

I'm hungry!

I want some linguini, rigatoni, mostaccioli...

Jesus, that Kirk Gibson story

goes into extra innings, don't it?

How you doin', Arliss?

Great Mac, but we gotta hurry.

Lasorda gets mean when he's hungry.

Where is he?

Show me the green.

Show me the goods.

Hey Arliss, when I get outta here,

what are the odds of you getting me a job over at your place?

At AMM? Oh, those jobs are almost impossible to come by.

Uh, where is this guy?

Feast your eyes.

Holy mother of God!

Arliss: I happened upon a young boy

with a modicum of raw talent.

Mac: His name is Kahoutek Evans.

Kahoutek?

He was conceived on the night

of the Comet Kahoutek.

Comet, huh?

His dad was a bush pilot.

Cherokee, African, Hispanic... something.

That's his mother over there.

Sure, everybody knew he had a bad leg,

but I'm telling you, he had the opportunity

to hit the ball outta the ballpark.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

If Davis doesn't walk, Gibson doesn't get to hit.

He's got a natural stroke.

Our people develop strong muscles over the years.

Playing tennis?

Clubbing seals!

(laughs)

Arliss: Not giving much thought to the chance meeting,

I quickly lost touch with the family.

Ahhhhhh!

Merry Christmas, whoo-hoo-hoo!

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas. Oh ho, ho, Mer... let's play some tennis.

Arliss: Then one day out of the blue,

Kikomo Evans sent a clipping, and unbeknownst to me,

the young Comet had received an at-large in

to the Australian Open.

The 17-year-old shocked the tennis world

by upsetting three highly ranked opponents.

Furthermore,

his on-court charisma and go-for-broke style

endeared him to the public.

I have seen the future of tennis,

and his name is Comet Evans.

I flew all the way down under

just to see your boy, Arliss.

What's it gonna take?

Oh Garrett, you know that Comet cannot maintain

his amateur status and have representation.

I'm just a long-time friend of the family.

Like an uncle.

Well, "Uncle" Arliss, I want the Comet.

Garrett, I'm only a consultant to the mother.

But, hypothetically speaking,

if Comet were to turn professional,

what kind of numbers would the Prince of Puma be talking?

(loud whisper) Make it happen.

(Australian accent) Right, mate.

(whistling)

Arliss: Even though he eventually lost the semi-finals,

Comet had made his mark.

Congratulations, Kikomo.

As of tomorrow, you have a very rich son.

Did Uncle Eli die?

Better.

Garrett Kettleman has made him his pet project.

Soon you will be swimming in ten million Puma pelts. (laughs)

He must not turn professional.

He's too young.

What?

I want him to finish school.

He did! He graduated last month!

High school, that's not enough.

I want him to go to college.

College?

To university.

Arliss: Comet could have succumbed to temptation

and turned professional.

But I was so happy that he decided

to continue his education, that I burst out...

Son of a bitch!

Shit, Arliss, you've been working on Comet turnin' pro

for 10 years!

Why does she want him in college?

Uh, college athletes make a fraction

of what the pros can make.

Why shouldn't he go to college?

Education is important.

Oh, this coming from a man who majored in bong!

At least I have a degree.

Arliss, didn't you go to college?

Of course I did.

He just didn't graduate.

Look, look, we're getting off the track here.

This isn't about me.

This is about a young man with the potential

to elevate tennis to new heights.

The potential to open up the game to people

of all his races.

The potential to make this agency a shitload of money!

How are you gonna keep other agents

from crashing Comet while he's in college?

You know, if you can't officially represent him,

how are you gonna keep a leash on the kid?

Lunch is ready.

Please welcome the newest member of the AMM family,

our executive consultant of nutrition,

Kikomo Evans.

Kikomo: For your dining pleasure,

I will be mixing traditional Alaskan dishes

with California cuisine.

And what's on the menu for today?

- Sperm whale soup followed by caribou paninis! - (gagging noises)

Mmmmmmm...

great!

I look forward to improving your wellness.

Bye-bye.

Arliss, you hired the kid's mother?

Wait, does she make more than me?

I've never met a real live Eskimo.

- Inuit. - Into what?

God, Arliss, you hired Comet's mother

so you can keep him in your pocket.

I did no such thing. I hired the kid's mother

for her nutritional expertise.

- Hah! - I mean, after all, this woman's cooking

Has produced a prodigy athlete.

Let's see what she can do with all of you.

I mean, uh, Stanley, uh, you could stand to lose a few pounds.

Uh, Rita, you could stand to gain some.

Kirby, detoxification, colonics,

I mean, uh, she'll help your ass out.

Is she gonna be with us the whole time he's in college?

Four years of sperm whale soup? Oh... oh, no.

Relax, relax, she's only gonna be here one year.

One year, why only one year?

Because Comet's only gonna be in school one year.

Oh, and how, "Mentalo the Magnificent",

can you be so sure of that?

Arliss: I felt it was important for Comet's development

that he not attend just any institution of higher learning.

For Comet, only the best would do.

Here within these hallowed, ivy-covered walls,

we stress academics.

As you are well aware,

we offer no athletic scholarships in this conference.

However, being of Eskimo- African-Latino

Cherokee-Dutch lineage,

Comet fills all our minority requirements by himself.

Therefore, qualifies for financial aid.

I knew you'd be understanding.

However, if Comet is going to be a student here,

he's going to be a student first, and an athlete second.

I can assure you, he will receive no special treatment.

I don't want any special treatment.

Absolutely no special treatment.

He's a good boy.

He knows what he has to do.

I warn you...

if Comet doesn't make grades,

his stay here will be brief.

Exactly what I want to hear.

Arliss: For many freshmen,

there is nothing more lonely and overwhelming

than being away at school for the first time.

I suggested that Comet have a tutor help him.

Perhaps a former student athlete.

Someone who could advise Comet

on how to best balance athletics and academia.

(chanting) Go Kirby, Go Kirby, Go Kirby...

(cheering)

(rock music playing)

Your turn.

Oh, I don't drink.

Alcoholism runs rampant among my people.

And I promised my mother I wouldn't touch the stuff.

♪♪

Your, uh, mother

have a problem with girls?

♪♪

She warned me that love can make you stupid,

and you can lose focus of what's important in life.

She's right. Love can make you stupid.

That's why you try to focus on the sex.

You do like sex, don't you?

With someone else?

You've never had sex with a woman before?

Whoa.

This is worse than I thought.

Comet... it's time we got you a little tail.

Listen... and learn.

♪♪

Take this girl here. You like her?

You wanna spend some time with her?

What do you do?

Well, I go up to her and I s...

You do nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing. You wait.

You're the big stud now.

She knows who you are.

Everybody's gonna know who you are.

Really?

One thing you gotta remember about women...

they all make sense before you come.

(slap)

Want a beer?

Uh, sure. My name's Comet.

I know who you are.

(moaning)

Arliss: Throughout the year,

the reports I got back from school

were that Comet was a quick learner,

and had comfortably settled into a groove.

Pounding through a broad-based liberal arts curriculum

from top to bottom,

he rose to the occasion time after time after time.

Indeed, Comet's education

was everything I hoped it would be.

(snoring)

According to my sources,

Comet has incompletes in engineering and economics,

and an "F" in British Lit.

Oh captain, my captain, we are on course.

So, Kirby was the right influence.

Ahhhhhh...

meanwhile, how are we doing on the product summit?

Uhh, well, uh, Gatorade, Wilson, Brut, Proctor and Gamble, in,

Puma, out.

They want exclusivity.

Absolutely not.

There's no way in hell I give in on exclusivity

Lunch is ready.

Kikomo!

Are you discussing my son?

W... as a matter of fact,

we were just discussing his future.

You know, what he's gonna do after college.

Uh, yes, the pros and cons of exclusivity

versus non-exclusivity.

Oh, I should know about this.

Well, it's pretty complicated stuff,

but... but Stanley will clarify it for you

over a fine, fine lunch.

So, what is this exclusivity?

Uh, say Comet were to sign

an exclusive $20 million deal with Puma,

after his graduation... with honors, of course.

Uh, then Yonex Racquets comes along and offers him

$5 million to use their product.

Puma would then be obligated to pay $15 million.

This keeps the client from undercutting the endorsement...

What the hell are those black things?

Fish eyes.

Not only are they high in protein and fat,

but they're also believed to give insight into the soul.

Oh... I thought the goal was to lower my fat intake.

Oh, remember fish fat is very good for you?

And for dessert, blubber-brown-Betty.

Bon appetit.

(laughs)

Arliss: As the school year continued,

Comet's game flourished, and his play on the court

became more and more dominant.

Ah!

Ahh!

(cheering and applause)

Arliss: He won the collegiate singles championships.

Yes!

Fox Sports televised the finals.

The first time a network had ever covered

a collegiate tennis championship.

Indeed, interest in Comet was streaking.

(cheering and applause)

Thank you all for coming.

I... I wanna say right up front

that I do not represent Comet Evans.

As you know, I cannot represent anyone

until they turn professional.

I am purely a consultant.

However, hypothetically speaking,

if a certain athlete decided to turn professional...

what do you got for me?

Take Aim with Comet Evans.

Why? Because of his winning personality,

his sparkling smile, his...

Heavy duty balls, that will allow...

The support Comet needs to be today's...

Brut. Because superstars like Comet get a lot of...

Head. Put your hand around the shaft,

For that deep-down body thirst.

Need I say more?

You product summit is bullshit, Arliss.

We don't do "dog and pony" shows.

Now listen to me.

Here's my last and final offer.

25 million, five years.

- Guaranteed? - Guaranteed.

- All five years? - All five years.

Non-exclusive.

Not on your life.

Okay, that's a give back.

However...

that's only if he comes out of school and turns pro.

Now.

No problem.

Good morning, Arliss.

Oh, how are you today? ooh!

What is it?

Comet's grades.

How's he doin'?

See for yourself.

He's flunking out.

Hallelujah!

(sighs) Why are you so anti-education?

I am not anti-education.

I am pro-professional.

Oh, and what does that mean?

It means he's gonna make his mark in tennis.

He is not going to cure cancer.

Let me ask you a question.

If Comet was a drama major, and suddenly

Steven Spielberg offered him a $20 million part in a picture,

what would you tell him to do?

Take the part, or stay in school and study mime?

I mean, for what? To get a degree?

I mean... my God, Kirby's got a fuckin' degree!

It really bothers you that Kirby's got a degree and you don't, huh?

It doesn't bother me.

What's the story?

There is no story.

C'mon, what's the story?

There is no story.

What is the story?

There is no story!

Okay.

Spring semester of my junior year.

Kirby and I are taking history together.

Kirby, of course, is about a nasal hair away from flunking out.

Oh, really, Kirby? Shocked.

Now if he flunks out, that means

he can't play football in the fall,

which means he won't be a first round draft choice,

and I'll lose my first big client.

So, I promised a teacher's assistant

backstage passes to Grand Funk Railroad

if he gets me the test answers.

Deal. Kirby takes the exam, passes.

And did you cheat?

I didn't have to cheat, I love history.

- Mm-hm. - However, the backstage passes turned out to be fake,

And the teacher's assistant was beaten to a bloody pulp

by the security guards,

a.k.a., the Hells Angels.

As soon as he comes out of the coma,

he tells the dean that I stole the answers.

Kirby graduates, I get thrown out of school.

Really? Arliss... that's terrible.

Not really, I mean, look at the big picture.

I mean, Kirby got to play football,

he went in the first round,

and I am on my way.

But, without a degree.

What the fuck did I need a degree for?

I mean, what doors would have been opened

that I didn't kick down by myself?

Remember the big picture.

Oh, Arliss! I just got back from my doctor's office.

Thanks to Kikomo's food,

my cholesterol level has dropped,

I've lost eight pounds.

By throwin' up?

No, no, no, no, no, she's got me on a very healthy diet.

I'm, uh, back to wearing a 42 regular.

Huh-huh, well, hang on to your old suits, because school is out.

(humming)

Ohhh! Oh...

Stinky fish.

Ohh! Oh, God, oh, yes.

Rotten mackerel heads.

You have to rot them aerobically in oxygen.

One of Alaska's most popular dishes.

Mmm, try some.

No, thank you! No, thank you.

Um, Kikomo, I have something to show you.

I just received, uh, Comet's report card.

He made academic probation.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Kikomo, Kikomo, Kikomo, Kikomo, this is not a good thing.

It means that Comet is flunking out of school.

What?

Arliss: Just as a student can be homesick for his mother,

a mother can be lonesome

for the bird who left her nest.

(banging on door)

I was happy to witness firsthand

the mother and child reunion.

Coming.

I think it's the cleaning lady.

She looks pissed.

Get outta my way... White trash slut!

- Mom! - Lousy, spoiled...

I sent you to school to study!

Not to shack up with this

skinny piece of mainland fluff!

- Mom! - No no no, not the hands, not the hands!

The hands!

You're living in sin!

Mom, just stop it.

You're drunk!

What kind of school is this?

I'm taking you home right now!

Aah... aah... aah... aah!

Hi, nice meeting you.

Bye.

(coughing)

Yo, Arliss.

Brewsky?

Arliss: Stanley and Rita, we are a go, go, go, go, go.

Here is the game plan:

On Friday, we announce

that Comet will make his decision on Monday.

On Sunday, we shoot the commercials for Puma.

On Monday, we announce that after much soul searching,

that Comet has decided to turn professional

With a $25 million deal from Puma.

On Tuesday the commercials air,

and on Wednesday

we are swimmin' in champagne.

Oooh.

(belches) Aw, it's too bad,

he was doin' good in school, too.

(banging on door)

Come in.

Excuse me.

(bottle breaks)

Is there a Mr. Arliss Michaels here?

Uh, that's him, right there.

I'm Arliss Michaels.

Would you come with us, sir?

That's his beer, too.

(coughs)

Kirby: Good luck, boss.

Mr. Michaels, how nice to see you.

Please sit down.

I'm sorry to pull you away,

but I just wanted to let you know,

since Comet's arrival on campus this year,

our alumni's contributions have been up significantly.

Is that so?

We beat Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth.

The alumni like that.

I'll bet.

In addition...

we've decided to move all of our tennis matches

into our new 13,000-seat indoor arena.

13,000, not bad.

We've already had interest from ESPN

and the networks to televise these events.

My, my, you have been busy.

We are going to need someone

to help us negotiate with the networks.

Y... You know, my guess is this is all conditional

on Comet's returning to school

and not turning professional.

Hypothetically speaking,

if he decided to stay and pursue his degree,

and let me just say,

he's shown himself to be an excellent student.

I beg your pardon?

Indeed. A "B minus" average at this institution

is nothing to sneeze at.

A "B minus" average? Comet?

Has Comet's mother seen this yet?

Not yet, but certainly...

Good! 'Cause this would kill her.

She said she wanted no special treatment for her son, didn't she?

- Well, yes, yes. - Well, what do you call this? Changing a transcript.

That's the problem with collegiate athletics today.

Pampering the athletes.

Why, sacrificing their education

so they can compete in sports?

And you call these hallowed walls.

Even if he just completed two years,

it could make a big difference t...

I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.

I'm just a friend of the family.

Well, I must say, this is very disappointing.

Not having a degree

could mean a lifetime of regret.

Perhaps we've haven't explored all the options.

Arliss: Later in life, long after the speed,

the agility, the physical prowess have gone,

the student athlete will always have something

no one can take away from them.

An education. The wisdom...

Arliss: After hours of soul searching,

I convinced Comet Evans to stay in school.

Kikomo left her job and became Comet's full-time tutor.

With her guidance, and an accelerated curriculum,

Comet graduated in two years, with honors.

And, although they had to wait,

the shoe company supported Comet's decision

to stay in school every step of the way.

Do not go gently into that marketplace.

Observe the signs.

The way society is going today,

the world is at your feet.

A college degree is the passport to your dreams.

Lux et veritas.

Fellow graduates,

I am honored to be among you.

(applause and cheering)

Student: Arliss!

(applause)

Mmmwaah!

My name is Dr. Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪♪

♪ Woo woo woo ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Woo woo woo ♪

♪♪