Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: When my ancestors set sail from Europe,

they came for the same thing we all seek today,

freedom. Freedom of religion,

freedom of speech, freedom of expression.

Baaaaaaah!

♪ Yeah, yeah, He's a freak, baby ♪

♪ Uh uh Baby, he's a freak ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah He's not discreet, baby ♪

♪ Uh uh Baby, he's a freak ♪

♪ He's a peacock and he's got to flaunt his colors ♪

♪ He's got an ego like a double-barred shotgun ♪

♪♪

(yelling)

Arliss: What separates this country from all others

is the respect for the individual.

Woo woo woo woo!

Awwww-ohhhh!

Those pins answer to me!

These are my balls!

This is my lane!

This is my house!

And you are my victim!

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Arliss: While many strive to protect the status quo

and look askance at those who speak out,

I say embrace those who dare open their mouths!

After all, America was built

not upon the rule of a majority,

but by protecting the rights of the minority.

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

(laughs)

♪ Uh-uh Baby, he's a freak ♪

(cameras clicking)

"An unnamed source claimed Turkey said

"he was gonna get this guy

'The first chance I got.'" True?

Motherfuckin' paparazzi's in my face for weeks!

Turkey, sit down. Sit down.

Commissioner, I'm surprised you called us in here

to read quotes from an unnamed source in the Enquirer.

Same source says that at the Tommy Palonia open,

he bit Tommy Palonia.

That cocksucker called me a fag!

Turkey, please!

All right, I've heard enough.

Turkey Reeves, I'm suspending you until further notice.

- What? - You can't do that!

He is in violation of Major League Bowling's code of ethics!

You are aware of the morals clause in every bowler's contract?

I know there's a morals clause in Turkey's contract.

I also know that I very specifically

negotiated the language of that contract to read...

"Mr. Reeves can only be suspended

if he is convicted of a felonious act."

It leaves no room for interpretation.

You wanna suspend Turkey Reeves,

he must be convicted of a felony.

He wants to spit on the sidewalk, he could spit on the sidewalk.

(Turkey spits)

My God, Arliss!

Your boy's giving bowling a bad name!

Bowling? A bad name?

Yes! I believe bowlers should be role models.

Bowlers live in RV's.

Who are they role models for, people who move a lot?

Commissioner, Turkey Reeves is critical

to the bowling tour's success.

Yes, a recent "USA Today" poll

Named the 100 most recognizable American athletes.

There was only one bowler on that list, Turkey Reeves.

I believe the last bowler to make that list

was Fred Flintstone.

Commissioner, with all due respect,

he's bringing an element to the game.

What "element"?

Arliss/Stanley: An audience!

You and I both know that there's a TV contract up for renewal.

The only hope for an increase in rights fees

is the continued participation

of this outstanding young man.

All right, Arliss, I won't suspend him for now.

But your boy is walking a very fine line,

and if he steps over that line,

I'm nailing his ass to the wall,

TV contract or no contract.

Arliss: Call me old fashioned, but I believe in this country.

The Bill of Rights. The Statue of Liberty.

The White House.

What is it?

How should I know?

"The president and Mrs. Clinton

"request the pleasure of the company

of Mr. Arliss Michaels at dinner on Thursday",

Rita/Arliss: "July 19th, 1997 at 7:30 p.m.,

"honoring the Youth All-Stars of America Foundation.

Black tie."

How long did it take you to memorize this?

Not as long as it did to put back the seal.

(chuckling) I'm goin' to the White House!

Can you believe...?

Mr. Michaels is goin' to Washington!

Wait a second. This isn't a joke, is it?

No joke.

"Honoring leading sports and entertainment figures

who have contributed to the welfare of children."

That's great. I love kids.

Unfortunately, on the 19th,

you're addressing the Junior Scouts.

Fuck 'em! I'm goin' to the White House!

I'm goin' to the White House!

Lance, you promised me $2,500 for this story,

and this check is for one thousand.

You quoted every word I said. I think that I should...

Kirby, wait'll you hear this! (chuckling)

Oh, uh, later... Bob.

Who was that?

Uh, it's a guy that, uh...

"American Media, Lantana, Florida." Who are they?

Yeah, it's a... (chuckles) retirement community.

You know, I bought a time-share down there,

and, uh, they overcharged me,

and, just, you know, sent me back my money!

I just heard!

You've been invited to the White House.

Ta-da!

The White House?

The, the White House.

The president requests the pleasure of my company.

Oh, man, you gotta take me with you.

I know all the hot spots in town.

In fact, when Marion Barry wants to party, he asks me where to go.

It doesn't say you can bring a guest.

Doesn't say how you're going to get there, either.

Of course he can take a guest.

- Can't he? - You're right, it doesn't say anything about anything.

The 19th, that's only three weeks away.

I'd better start on this right now.

Who can I talk to about this?

The White House, huh?

Man, they're usin' these dinners

to bring a lot of pigs to the trough.

(chuckles) Aw, Jimmy, come on, so tell me,

how does this work?

I mean, do they come and pick me up on Air Force One?

No, you make your own arrangements.

You mean, I gotta fly myself in?

Yeah!

- And who pays for that? - You do!

Really? Who picks me up at the airport?

- They have a marine in dress blues. - Really?

No, a town car picks you up.

And who pays for that?

You do!

Damn, I mean, doesn't Uncle Sam pay for anything?

It's the White House, not Caesar's Palace.

They don't comp people.

I do get to bring a guest, right?

Ah... I see the mind of an agent at work.

You wanna bring some new client there so you can impress him.

Jimmy, you know me better than that.

Hey, you make sure it's a girl.

You don't wanna give the appearance

of some "don't ask, don't tell" thing.

You get my drift?

Yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, one more thing,

What are the chances of staying

in the White House overnight?

Don't go there.

Arliss: My White House invitation

created a feeling of comradery

and esprit de corps among my colleagues.

But you've already been to the White House.

No, that shouldn't count.

I was with the All-America Team.

It was a photo shoot in the Rose Garden.

I was wasted, and Ford was president.

Well, it might be nice if we had a real minority presence for once.

Oh, well, if you wanted to go to Washington so much,

you could've made it the Million and One Man March.

Uh-uh. If anybody from this office is going, c'est moi.

Oh, pourquoi?

Because whoever walks in on his arm to the White House

should be wearing an evening dress.

Oh? Well, let him take Turkey Reeves!

What is going on?

The Pep Boys here think they're going to the White House.

The White... wh...?

Oh! Wow, you know, I have been so busy

I haven't even given this a second's thought.

Look, I promise you,

when I'll know... you'll know, okay?

Let's get to work!

Arliss: Not only was my staff thrilled,

but my clients were only too eager

to share in my good fortune.

Arliss, I wanna go to the White House.

Jimmy Leyritz, I would love to, I think it's a great idea, but...

I really wanna go to the White House.

But you were last year's World Series hero.

Didn't you get to go to the White House?

No, we didn't get invited. I think Clinton's a Braves fan.

Arliss, isn't this your client?

Yeah.

You seen this?

Huh?

This has got to stop!

"Secret source" my ass.

You know, just once, I'd like to get my hands

on the throat of that secret source. (grunting)

Yeah.

Yeah. And what gets me is none of these guys

have the balls to use their own names.

The rat bastards!

Kirby...

you're not goin' to Washington.

Boss...

I'm sorry.

I promise it'll never happen again.

You bet it won't. Because for the next two weeks

you are gonna be Turkey Reeves'

personal baby sitter.

He has tournaments in Fresno and Riverside.

Wherever he goes, you go.

If he pisses, you piss.

If he can't find a pot to piss in, you find him a pot.

But above all, I am counting on you

to keep him outta the press!

Boss...

you can count on me. I'm your guy.

I know I can.

Oh, and um...

Thanks for understanding.

Sure.

Boss, uh... who are you takin'?

Arliss: I wanted whoever accompanied me to Washington

to represent not just me,

but also represent America.

Katarina Witt!

How's the Teutonic temptress of the triple axels?

Arliss, how come when you talk English

I understand all the words, but I don't know what you mean?

(chuckles) Look, Katarina, I'm tellin' ya

AMM is the only place you should be.

Have you given any thought to our little talk?

Yeah. Very little thought.

Well, maybe I can convince you with dinner on the 19th.

I'm busy the 19th.

At the White House.

The... White House?

Yes, they're having a dinner honoring me for helping youth.

I thought it would be a good time

for you to get to know the everyday me...

at the White House.

The one on 1616 Philadelphia Avenue?

1600 Philadelphia Avenue.

Arliss: People always ask Arliss,

"What attracts you to a client?"

Let it be said once.

It's not gold medals.

It's not earning power.

It's the content of their character.

(loud music playing)

Lance, it's Kirby!

Yeah, I'm at the, uh, Horny Owl.

Mm-hm. I got a scoop for ya. Turkey is high as a kite.

Get a photographer here now.

Okay, and this time, five grand, deal?

Okay, bye.

Uh, requesting a moment?

Uh, look... look, Stanley, I promise you,

I haven't made any decisions about the White House.

Nah... I have.

You have?

As a fiscal conservative,

I cannot support this administration.

I am withdrawing my name from consideration.

Oh, no.

Now, I pride myself on my patriotism.

Are you sure?

And should any other patriotic event,

preferably Republican, heh, come up,

I hope you'll remember me.

I will do that.

Thank you.

(loud music playing)

Why are we leaving? I was havin' fun here!

Let's stick around, see what happens.

- Why are we...? - Gentlemen!

(siren blaring)

What's goin' on?

Turkey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Cop: Just stay right over there and stay outta this!

Cop: Keep those people back, will ya?

Cop: Yes, go right back in the bar,

nothin' to see here!

Well, well, what do we have here?

You have the right to remain silent.

Kiss my ass.

Oh, shit.

Now, this first one is a Hugo Boss,

tapered, single-breasted, with a vest.

Very thinning.

A presidential favorite.

What's wrong with my regular tuxedo?

I've worn it everywhere.

Exactly. You've worn it everywhere.

You need to buy a new one.

This is your Calvin Klein, classic, double-breasted.

Often worn with a band collar and tieless.

Although you probably do wanna wear a tie,

after all, you are going to the White House,

not the Grammys.

Good point. Next?

This is a Vera Wang,

strapless with beaded detail.

I don't think I want the RuPaul look at a White House dinner.

With this dress, I would just glide to our table.

Rita, my darling...

Don't "my darling" me.

The White House needs 72 hours

to clear the name of your guest.

They say that if you don't reply by six tonight,

you can't bring anyone.

Have you asked anyone yet?

Don't lie to me!

I haven't. You have my word!

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels' office.

One moment, please.

Katarina Witt.

Um, would you excuse me for a second?

Uh, Rita? Would you excuse me, please?

Would you excuse me?

Okay.

You invited Katarina Witt?

Um... look, Rita, you have to look at this as a business thing.

You invited Katarina Witt!

Look I am sorry, But I've got to do what's best for AMM.

She's gonna be a great addition to our client list.

She's an international star!

You invited Katarina Witt?

It's just business.

Men are pigs.

(door slams)

(zipper)

Katarina, how's the first lady of the figure eights?

Looking forward to meeting the other First Lady this week?

I'm so sorry, Arliss darling, but I caught the flu.

I can't go with you.

No, y... you've got to!

- This is gonna be our Camelot. - (sneezes)

I'm so sorry, but I must go now. Bye, love.

(sneezes)

Uh, Monica Seles, please?

Arliss Michaels.

Monica! How's the queen of the courts?

What are you doing on the 19th?

Steffi, how's the queen of the courts?

What are you doing the 19th?

Kristi, how's the Cinderella of the skates?

Lisa, how's the first lady of layups?

The 19th?

The 19th.

The 19th?

I am gonna tell you one last time

why that White House dinner

has my name written all over it.

I pick up your laundry.

I screen your calls.

I lie for you!

You've got the big cowboy hat! And you've got all the cattle!

And I'm always left to shovel the shit that you leave behind.

So, I think that you can give me

one lousy dinner in Washington,

and then I'll go back to being your girl Friday

eight days a week!

Never mind what I said, she's going and that's final!

Rita... after thinking it over,

I realize what you mean to me.

So I'm inviting you to be my escort

at the White House.

Katarina canceled, huh?

No, no, believe me, you were my first choice all along.

- Oh, please. - No, no, you were right.

You're my girl. I want you to go.

Sure you don't wanna try Gabrielle Reece?

(phone ringing)

Oh... excuse me.

Mm-hm.

Arliss Michaels.

What?

Arliss, Arliss...

I think we worked out a deal with the D.A.

Turkey pleads to possession of a controlled substance.

Bullshit!

In return, he's put on two years' probation,

and he submits to a four-week drug rehab program.

Four weeks? Fuck that!

The tournament of champions is next week!

Turkey, face facts, you're going to be suspended.

They're givin' ya a second chance here.

Shit.

- Tell the D.A. We'll take it. - All right.

(phone ringing)

Relax, everything's gonna be okay.

Hello.

I'm putting a call through from James Carville.

He says it's urgent.

Jimmy C.!

Hey, what's the inside scoop on the White House?

Hey, I hope they're not serving ostrich.

Arliss... I just heard a rumor

that your client, Turkey Reeves, was arrested.

Is that true?

Absolutely not!

Well, I hope you're right,

because if it's true I can tell you this,

you can kiss your White House invite goodbye.

Wh... what's that got to do with it?

Hell, man, they can't have someone who represents a convicted druggie

at a dinner honorin' kids!

There's no way to spin your way outta this.

Look, there is absolutely no way

that Arliss Michaels represents anyone

convicted of anything!

Where do these rumors come from, anyway?

Where they all come from, man.

Lantana, Florida, home of the National Enquirer.

Lantana, Lantana, L...

Thanks for the call.

We're agreed.

Just hold up on that deal for just one second, okay?

Heh...

(toilet gurgling)

Boss!

It's good to... see ya.

It wasn't my fault.

I mean, who coulda known that he stashed cocaine

in his bowling bag?

Who could have?

Exactly!

It's amazing.

You know, it'd make a great story

for the National Enquirer, though, wouldn't it?

The Enquirer?

Wouldn't it?

I don't know. I... I don't read that paper.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it would make a great story.

In fact, I betcha they would pay three, four thousand dollars

for a story like this. Wouldn't they?

I would have no idea.

Take a guess. 4,000, maybe five?

I wouldn't, uh...

Take a guess!

Five.

You sonuvabitch!

Boss, I had to, I owed people money.

It's not that big a deal.

Not that big a deal? Forget the fact that because of you,

I'm wasting half my time defending this lunatic!

Boss... I... I'm...

Forget the fact that you've been doing this behind my back,

in my office, on my phone!

Boss, I feel really, really sorry.

But now, because of you,

I might lose my invitation to the White House!

Oh, no.

Oh, yes!

Oh, boss, I feel terrible.

I mean, I wish there was something I could do, I really do.

There is.

Kirby... you're takin' the rap.

What?

You see, if Turkey is convicted, then my reputation

is that of one who represents druggies.

Can't have that. But if one of my associates has a drug problem,

and I help get him into a rehab program,

that shows courage. It's a PC thing.

So, as of last night, you've got a drug problem.

Huh! Huh... no,

you can't do this to me.

You... you cannot do this to me.

I can't... I cannot be in this place another second!

I mean, this place stinks! The people they bring in here!

You should've seen the guys they brought in here last night!

Unbelievable, Arliss! And the... oh, this thing!

This... this sink! It doesn't work! there's no water!

And this thing never stops!

Oh, great!

Kirby, Kirby, Kirby.

Unbelievable!

It's your choice. But... but think about this,

at least when you get outta rehab,

you'll still have a job.

So, um... what's it gonna be?

Okay, let me get this straight.

It was actually Mr. Carlisle's bowling bag and cocaine.

Uh, yeah, that's... that's right.

And you're confessing to the drug possession, Mr. Carlisle?

Uh, 100% guilty as charged.

You know, this being his first offense,

if... if we could set Mr. Carlisle up

with, say, a four-week drug rehab program,

I think, uh, everyone will be well served.

Hm, well served. Well served.

Kirby: You know... very well served.

Arliss: You make a mistake, you move on.

Mr. Carlisle, did you plead guilty

to a breaking and entering in 1976?

1976?

Uh... oh, yeah! It's a college prank gone bad!

(chuckling)

Broke into the Phi Mu house.

Panty raid!

- (laughter) - Panty raid.

Lawyer: Panty raid!

Kirby: Panty raid!

Mr. Carlisle, did you kick and smash the toilet in your cell?

That thing would not stop running.

It... and there's no air circulating in there.

You know, it's inhuman!

It's state property.

So, between the B and E,

and upon conviction of the drug possession,

and willful destruction,

that would constitute three offenses.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

That's three strikes, mister.

You're out.

Out of what?

You are subject to California's three strikes sentencing laws.

At this point, you're looking at life imprisonment.

No, no!

No, no, no... look, look... Let's talk this out.

Uh, certainly there's room for dialogue here.

The law's pretty clear cut on this.

Arliss, you gotta...

Let me ask you this.

Would you like to go to the Super Bowl? Great seats!

I'm not a football fan.

Well, what about the World Series,

and I can get you the Commissioner's box?

Oh, please.

Maybe the LPGA Dinah Shore Nabisco Classic.

Mr. Michaels!

You're obviously used to this sort of brokering,

but you are walking a very fine line here.

I believe in the rules. And I believe that when the rules are broken,

somebody has to be held responsible.

That is what the people put me here to do.

I understand, but...

Unlike you, I believe in the system.

Now what do you have to say?

Arliss: This country was founded on rules and regulations.

I know of some who try to circumvent the rules,

but not me.

Being a civil libertarian doesn't mean condoning anarchy.

Far from it.

But I'd rather see 100 guilty men go free

than one innocent man punished.

Remember to always do a good deed a day

And to keep receipts for your records.

This practice will come in handy

when filing for your income taxes.

Oh, and be sure to get a good accountant.

Because, uh, when it all comes down to it,

with the IRS, you really are guilty until proven innocent.

Who knows about life insurance?

Arliss: That night, I thought of the things that

are important to me. Simple things, like hard work, fair play,

Loyalty.

It wasn't the pomp and ceremony

that I'll remember from that evening.

In fact, the occasion seemed almost solemn.

(both laughing)

I thought, how blessed art thou?

How lucky could an average Joe be?

What could possibly be better than this?

The Lincoln Bedroom!

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes,

These are my stories.

(fireworks exploding)

(patriotic music playing)

♪♪