Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: Many people think agenting is all about "the deal".

Not true.

Dealmaking only takes up a fraction of time.

The rest is spent servicing the client.

Mm-hmm.

You need six tickets on the floor

to the Lakers next Wednesday.

Right, this time make sure the tickets are between the baskets.

Last time they were behind them.

I'll try.

I can try, I need you to get 'em.

I'll try.

Arliss: When I say servicing the client,

what exactly does that mean?

Arliss, can you get me a date with Naomi Campbell?

You want me to endorse the Weedwacker?

What happened to Coke and Pepsi?

Arliss, amigo,

can you get me a date with Naomi Campbell?

You want me to endorse the Weedwacker?

Arliss, you've gotta get me out of that charity benefit next week.

Arliss: It's your charity.

What do you mean, I gotta get a blood test?

What'd that girl tell you?

(speaking Spanish)

Weedwacker?

(speaking Spanish) Coke or Nike?

How come you can't even get me into MTV "Rock N' Jock"?

How come you can't get me into the MTV "Rock N' Jock"?

(speaking Spanish) MTV "Rock N' Jock"?

Get me a date with Naomi Campbell.

Hey, Bruce Smith, what up?

Listen, Kirby, I need you to house-sit my cat this week.

The whole week?

Thanks.

(dial tone)

Arliss: Servicing the client

can mean different things to different people.

Sometimes it's just about stopping by

and finding out what's on their mind.

He's goin', he's goin!

Godammit!

It's all right. It's okay.

Shit!

Settle down, settle down.

Hey, Arliss.

Timmy man, good to see you!

They still let you in this place, huh?

The way you played?

(laughs) Tell me about your guy, Zack.

Wh... what are you talkin' about?

You know what I'm talkin' about, that throwing hitch.

I mean, he couldn't throw out Raymond Burr.

Oh, no no no, th... that's a style thing.

- Hm. - They do it in the hood.

Tell you who I do like, Sonny Willis.

I don't think he's ever had a better spring.

I don't represent Sonny Willis.

Too bad.

It's not necessarily his velocity,

but have you noticed how the ball keeps sinking

down, down, down?

You think he's puttin' something on the ball?

Sonny Willis is throwin' a spitter?

Spit, Vaseline, K-Y.

Hey, nowadays, as long as our team wins... who cares?

Great country, isn't it?

Arliss: I'm constantly asked,

"What is the key to a successful agency?"

Two words:

Fuck me!

Arliss: Personal attention.

It's okay, Zack, it's okay.

It's okay. Looks good.

Arliss: Once you recognize what each client needs,

opportunity can hit you smack in the face.

Ohhh... ohhhh!

Sorry, man!

You okay?

(cracking noise)

Sonny Willis, right?

Yeah.

Arliss Michaels.

Or what's left of him, anyway.

Oh, yeah. I was just readin' about you in Vanity Fair.

Yeah, yeah... you know, 90% of that article was 10% true.

(chuckles) Here you go.

Hey, you looked good out there today, you know?

Thank you.

Yeah.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, I think you forgot...

this.

Nice meetin' you.

(cracking noise)

Yo, Arliss. Talking to the brother, huh?

Zack, how's the bishop of backstops?

Arliss... let's go someplace private.

We need to talk.

I'm gonna be 30 next week, Arliss.

Thirty.

I'm supposed to be in my prime.

But you saw me out there today, man, I'm fuckin' up.

This is my job.

I'll get you some help,

a... a sports psychologist, maybe.

I don't need a shrink to tell me

my throwin' problem's in my head.

I know it's all mental.

In fact, I know what's causin' it.

You do, what?

Arliss...

my wife's havin' an affair.

- What? - That's the reason I'm burpi" the ball back to the pitcher.

Nonsense. You're having a little throwing slump, that's all.

No. I'm tellin' you, she's foolin' around on me.

Ann, cheating on you? No way, no way.

Oh, yeah? Well, last week, we didn't have sex

on Thursday or Sunday.

Oh, file for divorce. With hard evidence like that,

she'll be able to keep the house.

Yeah, well, someone keeps callin' my house and hangin' up on me.

Do you know how many people hang up on me a day?

Last week she got her hair colored twice.

Now, what kinda sense does that make?

Depends, was it highlights or single process?

Arliss, my world is just crumbling.

I... I can't believe she would do this to me.

Me, of all people.

I'm a devoted husband!

You have any singles?

Yeah, uh, yeah. Yeah.

No, I got a twenty, let me get change.

Thanks, Zack, honey.

I want you to hire someone to follow Ann.

You want me to hire a private detective

to spy on your wife?

Yeah, I have to know the truth, don't I?

The truth is, your wife loves you.

And so do your kids.

Arliss, I have to know.

Zack, I think you're overreacting big time, here.

Besides, those guys,

they... they get pretty expensive.

I don't care. Take 10 grand out of my "bitch fund".

Hey-hey, keep it down.

Never refer to it as the "bitch fund".

Refer to it as the "discretionary account".

Anyway, just do it, okay?

I have to know the truth.

Arliss: Among the many services AMM provides for its clients

is financial planning.

This includes trusts, pensions, and other accounts.

At AMM we employ only top level skilled professionals.

You want me to tail Zack Bowers' wife?

Just for a day or two.

You always said you wanted your role expanded here.

Take my Mercedes.

Not on your life.

Besides, you're following the wrong spouse.

It's Zack who needs a LoJack.

Look, Ann isn't cheating.

I just wanna clear her name,

so Zack can clear his head, without having to spend

for Anthony Pellicano's exorbitant fees!

Uh uh uh uh uh. This is none of your business.

You're wrong!

Zack's career is my business!

He can't throw the ball back to the pitcher

because he thinks his wife is screwin' around!

- Really? - Really.

Odd. Something similar happened to me once.

- Yeah? - I thought my old boyfriend was cheating on me,

And I kept missing my mouth with the salad fork.

Forget it, Arliss.

Of course, there would be some remuneration.

How much remuneration?

Oh, I'd say we're looking at an extra $200 for the day.

- Eight. - Four.

- Six. - Five.

Deal.

And of course, I couldn't possibly

do any kind of quality surveillance work,

without... the proper surveillance footwear.

Of course not. I'm sure we could authorize some supplies.

Uh, Kirby, take it out of Zack's discretionary account.

Discretionary... You mean the "bitch fund"?

- Kirby! - Arliss, I've changed my mind.

I don't wanna be a part of this.

In fact, the more I think of it, the more offensive it becomes.

- I'll throw in a scarf. - I'm on it.

Arliss: Each member of my staff

is prepared for any contingency.

Put it right here.

Hey, I got here just in time!

Brand new sofa for the big screen!

Make sure you take your shoes off this time, Kirby.

That thing cost me 15 grand.

No problem. So, uh, satellite dish still workin'?

Listen, Kirby, I appreciate you cat-sitting for me.

Maggie's my little girl, and she has a bladder infection,

so make sure you give her a pill.

How much does she eat?

Uhh...!

Sorry, man.

I shouldn't leave her leash out like that.

Her leash?

(growls)

Hey, she must like you.

You must have good pheromones.

(growls)

Uh... take a pill. Here's... take...

Take... here's a pill. There's... there's pills.

You're supposed to take 'em.

Either one,

Yeah... take a pill.

Any of those pills?

Any of those look good?

Any one of those five, six, here...

No? Fine.

You know? Don't take 'em.

It's all right with me.

Ooh! You'll regret it later.

You ready?

You gonna be good? You're gonna be sweet?

Okay. Come on...

Desmond, here at AMM, we take care of a client's individual needs.

Long term investments, short term investments.

- Estate planning? - Yeah.

- Trusts? - Uh-huh.

Discretionary accounts?

(phone ringing)

Um, excuse me, I'm sorry.

Yes?

Arliss? Reporting in.

So far, Ann's gone to the market and the dry cleaners.

No big whoop.

But now... she's at the park, and she brought pizza.

What do you make of it?

I got it.

She's fuckin' Chuck E. Cheese!

Rita, I'm in a meeting right now with Desmond Howard.

Don't bother me!

I'm sorry, Desmond, where were we?

The "bitch fund".

(alarm activates)

Fucking German cars!

I told him to buy a Hyundai!

(alarm still on)

(alarm still on)

(woman moaning)

Mmmm?

Mm-hmm.

Let's see what we have here.

No... oh, shit.

(woman moaning)

Oh...

Oh.

Turn around, turn around!

Okay, kids...

I'll wait you out.

(crickets chirping)

(snoring)

Ohhh!

Ohh!

No!

Fuck!

Did you see who it was?

No, it was too dark in there.

Then you really can't be 100% sure it was her.

Oh, Arliss, stop it, you should've seen them.

They were no amateurs. They were good.

But maybe not good enough.

Exhibit "A".

Oh, what is this?

Exhibit "B".

Must we?

Well, if you don't like that,

you're certainly gonna hate this.

Sonny Willis.

Who's Sonny Willis?

Zack's teammate!

He's not using this to grease the baseball,

he's using it to grease his Louisville slugger!

Oh, my God!

Oh, this is gonna kill Zack.

I mean, if a catcher can't trust a pitcher...

who can you trust?

What... what... what are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna tell the son of a bitch

to knock it the fuck off,

before I go to the ball club,

saying that he's fucking with a very expensive

piece of their property, somebody else's wife!

Oh, yeah, you go, girl!

Honey, okay, okay, you wanna see moral outrage?

You wanna see righteous indignation?

Well, then, pull up a floor!

Because Mount St. Arliss is about to erupt!

Rita: All right!

(phone ringing)

How could he do this?

Sonny Willis!

What the fuck was he thinking?

Uh, why don't you ask him? He just called.

Here?

We need to talk.

I figured we might.

Sick about this, Arliss.

I've known this guy since high school.

I just feel so awful, man.

As well you should.

I thought you might be a little more sympathetic.

Sympathetic?

Oh, sorry, pal.

You know, I happen to believe in certain things, like... like trust.

Like commitment, like until death do us part!

Then I should stay with my agent?

Let me ask you a question,

how can you look him in the face mask, and then g...

Agent?

Yeah, the team wants to give me a contract extension.

I need someone who knows what they're doin'.

Some of the guys say you're the best.

Really? Who said that?

Barry, Randy, Zack Bowers.

Zack is one of my closest and dearest friends.

In fact, both he and his wife Ann have spoken well of you.

Oh, do you know Ann? Isn't she great?

I mean, tell me more.

I just can't explain it.

I just feel like, I can reach back farther now,

and just bring some wicked shit.

- (chuckles) - I don't know, man,

I just feel loose this year, more relaxed.

Well, whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it.

In fact, do it twice as much, right?

Get more loose, more relaxed.

You're representing him?

Yeah, so?

Arliss, what about Zack?

Zack's throwing problem is all in his head.

I just have to get his head straightened out.

Then everybody's happy.

Boy, that was a real eruption of Mt. St. Arliss.

Quick, call maintenance!

Somebody clean up all this lava!

Arliss: A good part of my job is anticipating any crises

before they happen.

Ann!

Arliss.

Fine... we need to talk.

Arliss: That means putting the right man

in the right situation.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Yes.

Ahh... ahhhh.

Announcer: Next on HBO...

HBO's adults only video magazine is back

for another voyeuristic installment.

Real people talk about real sex.

"Real Sex 17".

Haven't seen 17.

Haven't seen sev...

(static)

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Aw, shit!

You see, this is what happens,

when you won't take your pill.

(sighs)

I know you don't like your medicine. You know?

But you don't like your bladder infection.

You know? The itchin', the burnin',

the up all night peein'.

I know what it's like.

When Fudgehammer and Nunley blindsided me

and broke my arm in six different places,

as well as bloodied my eye.

I was on codeine.

I was on morphine.

Visine.

C'mon. Let's just quit these

- (growling) - little cat and mouse games, okay?

Now how about we go inside... and take your pill?

Let's go... c'mon.

What do you think of this cloning thing?

Arliss: I believe that if you've prepared properly,

Everything else should fall into place.

(phone ringing)

(laughing)

Man: That you, baby?

Rancho Canyon, cottage number one at 6:00.

Who is this?

Welcome aboard.

Thanks, man.

Now you promised me some major endorsement deals.

Absolutely, in fact, I've already lined one up for you.

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

Give me that Heisman pose.

Give me that pose, give me the pose.

Give me the pose, give me the pose, sell that pose, right?

The Weedwacker!

The Weedwacker?

(laughing) I got it for ya!

(phone ringing)

Uh, ex... excuse me, please.

Hello?

Hey, Arliss!

Zack?

I was right, she's fuckin' around on me!

That bitch!

Do you know who it is?

No, but he's meetin' her at the Rancho Canyon Cottages!

I'm on my way there right now!

Now?

Yeah, I'm gonna catch 'em in the act!

And when I do, I'm gonna fuckin' kill him!

- Zack, don't... - Kill him!

Uh, Desmond, I've just had an emergency.

It's my grandmother, she just broke her hip.

Uh, I'm sorry to hear that, how old is she?

She's 92, and all she's got is me and her father,

and he's not been feeling well.

So please, I have to go, you understand, right?

Yeah, sure.

Thank... thank... thanks. Think wacker.

Weedwacker.

(alarm going off)

Arliss: Zack! Zack!

Zack: Where are they?

Arliss: Zack, Zack, listen to me. Listen to me.

I had my people tail your wife.

They came up with nothing!

You're lying to me!

Hey, the Zackman. Can I have your autograph? Aaaah!

Zack, don't jump to conclusions.

There's dozens of reasons why your wife

might meet a man in a hotel room.

Name 'em!

Um, there's an Amway seminar here! Uh, she needs ice!

She better not have blown him.

No, Zack Zack Zack, Zack, Zack, no, no!

You're throwin' away your career,

now stop and think about that!

I can't stop and think about this, Arliss!

If I stop and think about this,

then it becomes premeditated!

Just move out of my way!

- No... - Aah!

Son of a bitch!

Zack!

Ann! Sonny!

Sandy! Bip?

Jesus, she's fuckin' the whole team.

All: Happy Birthday!

(laughs) Happy birthday, darling.

Happy birthday, old man.

Hey, man,

You know life starts at 30.

Aww...

I... I can't believe you did this.

I mean, I thought that you were...

You thought that she forgot your birthday, didn't you?

And you! You were in on this whole thing, weren't you?

Are you kidding? He practically planned the whole thing.

"Is that you, baby?

Rancho cottages, cottage number one!"

You son of a bitch!

Were you surprised?

Arliss: Arliss always says,

pinpointing the problem is the solution to success.

Don't get me wrong now.

Sometimes there are things beyond your control.

Hey, Maggie, what are you doin'?

You watchin' a little "Milo and Otis"?

Aagh! No! Fuck!

No! No!

Bad kitty! Bad kitty!

Why does it have to be Bruce Smith's couch?

Oh, it can't be Brian Boitano's couch?

No, it's gotta be an all-pro defensive end! Fuck!

Bruce: Yo, Kirby! I'm back.

How's my little girl?

Yo, Sonny!

Cold beer here!

Outta there!

Yeah!

Oh, you were right, Arliss.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Don't you feel silly now?

Oh, yeah, I don't know how I could doubt her.

I mean, look at her.

She's the greatest.

♪ Wooo ♪

♪ Reach out and touch me Wooo ♪

Arliss: Being a full service agency

means being a full service agent.

Because when the client's happy,

I'm happy.

Hey, guess what? I got another surprise.

Ann's pregnant.

(laughs)

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Ooooh Oooooh ♪

♪ All the world can hear the sound ♪

♪ Of the love that we have found ♪

♪ With our hearts, with our angel wings ♪

♪ Brothers, sisters 'cross the land ♪

♪ Reach out and touch my hand ♪

♪ I'm reachin' out to you ♪

♪ Spread the love out near and far ♪

♪ Shine your love like a star ♪

♪ I'm shinin' out for you ♪

♪ Wooo ♪

♪ Reach out and touch me Woooo ♪

♪ Reach out and touch me ♪

♪ Woooo ♪

♪ Reach out and touch me ♪

♪ Woooo ♪

♪ Reach out and touch me ♪

♪ Woooo ♪

♪ Brothers, sisters, 'cross the land ♪

♪ Reach out and touch my hand ♪

♪ I'm reachin' out to you ♪

♪ Woooo ♪

♪ Spread the love out near and far ♪

♪ Shine you love like a star ♪

♪ I'm shinin' out for you ♪