Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

♪ ♪

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something ♪

♪ Oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met ♪

♪ You had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ And I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together ♪

♪ Honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something ♪

♪ Oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met ♪

♪ You had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Announcer: And as they come out of the Clubhouse turn,

it's First-to-Third and Henry's Legion

fighting for the lead.

First-to-Third! First-to-Third!

(crowd shouting)

First-to-Third! First-to-Third!

To Fourth.

To Fifth...

- To hell with you. - Yes! Yes!

Hoo hoo! (kiss)

Thank you! Woo!

What are you so jolly about?

First-to-Third just finished

on the other side of the International Date Line.

I know. I-I had Henry's Legion to win.

You what!?

Look, boss, I know I'm the one

that talked you into buying First-to-Third,

but, you know, maybe it's time

that horse got another job,

like keeping model airplanes together.

What's with your lip?

Oh. This is love, Arliss.

Looks like a canker.

No, it's love.

- I don't wanna know. - She's a prizefighter.

Oh, now I really don't wanna hear it.

Kirby, I am not representing a woman boxer.

No, this isn't business. This is all pleasure.

- I'm in love. - This is ugly.

No, this is the real thing.

And the sex?

Oh, man. You know what it's like to be in the sack

with someone that can put together combinations?

Hoo hoo!

("Chinatown" theme plays)

(whispering) Kirby! Kirby, look! Look!

Arliss: Is that who I think it is?

Kirby: The Rock?

Yeah. See him out here all the time.

That's Rocky Framaggio!

Rocky Framaggio! The Big Cheese!

He was my idol when I was growing up!

I used to wear the same uniform number as him, nine.

I used to stand in the batter's box like him.

I'd hitch up my belt like him.

I'd hold the bat up high.

I mean, I'd waggle it like him.

He was my guy! That's Rocky Fra... Wha...

(crowd murmuring)

Where'd he go?

Try the bar.

♪ ♪

- I'll see you later. - Alright, take it light.

Arliss: In sport, many are referred to as stars.

But then, there is the one

who becomes part of your own history.

The one who stands out amongst the many.

So, I cut the ball off at the gap,

Brock rounds first, makes a big turn,

but he knows I got a cannon.

So, he just stands there, daring me to throw.

Meanwhile, Javier, he's on third.

He decides to bolt for home.

Well, I, I know I can't get him

'cause I fucked up staring down Brock.

But I see McCarver daydreaming at second,

at second, so I throw a BB,

I pick his ass off second before the run scores,

we win game three.

-(laughs) -It was a great play! I was at that game.

You and 8,000,000 others.

Uh, bartender? Um, go ahead.

♪ ♪

I hope you don't mind.

You think I'm gonna turn you down, you're wrong.

I'd be insulted if you did!

After all the years of pleasure you gave me...

Was that you?

I'm sorry. I just slipped out the next morning.

I was gonna call you, but I forgot your number.

-(laugh) That's very funny. -(laugh)

I'm Arliss Michaels.

I mean, I... I gotta tell you, um,

I deal with a lot of superstars

in my line of work, but I,

I can't tell you what a great thrill this is meeting you.

In fact, check this out.

Your rookie card.

Oh yeah. He looks familiar.

Um...

Would you, uh...

sign this for me?

Cost you 50 bucks.

(laughing)

(drops pen)

Carlos!

Same.

What are you having?

Uh, can I have a decaffeinated latte, please?

With bourbon.

(groan)

September 22nd, 1963.

Metropolitan Stadium, Minnesota.

Camilo Pascual's right on the mound.

He throws me a forkball middle in, but,

see, I'm looking for it because he'd already

struck me out twice with breaking balls,

so... (laughs)

Anyway, I get all of it this time.

I can feel it down to my spikes,

and the ball comes off the bat,

it's heading for Canada. (chuckles)

Number 500...

I was at that game, too.

Yeah, you and 80,000,000 others.

Man, those were glory days.

Remember, you owned that town!

(sigh)

Kid, back then, we partied so hard, I...

(chuckles)

I couldn't remember my birthday.

I, I tell you w-what I do remember, though.

Two ex-wives, and...

two paternity suits to help cause the ex-wives.

Oh yeah, and Rocky's Fried Chicken chain

that went belly-up.

Oh, I loved that chicken!

- Ah, it had the greatest slogan! - Yeah...

"To get a better piece of chicken,

Both: You'd have to be a rooster!"

(laughing)

So, Mr. Agent Man,

uh, got any use for a...

washed up, 14-handicap Hall of Famer? (chuckles)

I gotta make a little jack, you know?

Are you serious?

I'd be honored to represent you.

I mean, don't worry.

(sigh)

Selling you. Once a thoroughbred,

always a thoroughbred.

I can't wait to get into the office tomorrow and say...

People, we are in the Rocky Framaggio business.

I thought he was dead.

No, he just looks that way.

What happened to all his money?

He's been investing in taverns.

You know, one drink at a time.

(laughter)

Arliss: Excuse me, excuse me.

People, I will not sit here,

and let you denigrate a three time MVP,

first ballot Hall of Famer,

with a .317 batting average, 508 home runs,

and 1,345 RBIs.

Mays was better.

Bullshit! If The Rock hadn't blown out his shoulder,

he woulda blown away all of Mays' records!

If Mays hadn't played in Candlestick Park...

Oh, gimme a break! If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle!

Kirby, Kirby! Who was better, Mays or Framaggio?

Mantle.

Anyway, I've invited The Rock

to come over here and meet all of us this afternoon.

Oh no, I can't meet anyone today.

I'm going to go take my friend

to her egg extraction.

Her what?

Well, see, my friend's having problems conceiving,

and so she's gonna get her eggs collected,

and then artificially seminated.

(stammers) Okay, fine, fine, fine.

If you wanna go to an egg hunt rather than meeting

the greatest ball player of our generation...

Second best.

Boss, what makes you think you're gonna take a guy

that struck out 3,000 times on the field,

and 4,000 times off it, and get him work?

Just as there are teflon politicians,

there are also teflon athletes.

The Rock happens to be one of 'em.

In fact, I've already lined up not one,

not two, but three

job offers.

(organ plays "Charge")

Thanks for the audition, Dick.

Hey, anything for The Rock.

- Ah, he appreciates it, too. - Yeah, no problem.

Okay, Rock,

here's the way this is gonna work.

You follow the action on the monitor,

I'll do the play-by-play,

you do the color commentary

with some interesting anecdotes.

It's that simple.

You know, I'm, I'm a little nervous, guys,

'cause I don't really relate to today's ballplayers.

Both: Don't worry about that. Don't worry about it...

The key here, the key here, Rock, just...

Both: Be yourself.

Dick: Just be yourself.

That's the best way to do it.

Let's try one, and let's roll.

- He's gonna be great. - Okay.

Glassine pitches to Hundley,

and it's a line drive to left field for a base hit.

Gilkey rounds third, heading for home.

Here's Klesko's throw. Gilkey slides,

and he's out at the plate!

That was a great throw by Klesko!

You had a great arm!

Well, thanks, but, uh,

my arm was much stronger than fat boy here.

(chuckle) You remember when I picked McCarver's ass

off second in the Series?

See, I was playing right field,

and Brock hit a single, and I threw behind him...

Well, you had a great arm, Rock, no question about it.

But, the way Klesko is hitting,

someday he may approach some of your records.

Well, sure, but that's because today's pitching's for shit.

See, first of all,

they bring these kids up to the bigs

before their nuts have dropped.

And then, these aluminum bats are for pussies.

And, worst of all,

the strike zone is a fucking joke.

There are these band-box ballparks, and...

L-Look at this guy.

I mean, h-he makes 3,000,000 dollars,

he's, he's not even running!

Come on!

Run, you fucking mook!

(organ plays "Charge")

(crowd murmuring)

What did I tell you? Look at those lines!

Yeah, look at it. It's not even moving.

He's been here two hours, signed six cards,

and taken seven breaks!

Eh, it just takes him a little while to get going.

- Thanks. - (sigh)

Hey, Rock. I told my son you were my idol.

He's heard every story about you.

Son, say hello to Rock.

Hello, Rock.

Hi, son.

Now remember,

stay in school, stay off drugs.

(grunt)

Look at that kid's face.

Yeah, look at him!

If he breathes on him again,

he'll turn to stone!

Baseball misses you, Rock.

When are you gonna get back into the game?

Not interested.

Can't relate to today's players.

I told my son about every home run you ever hit.

I even told him about the time

you hit a buck 98 in the '63 series.

Remember your last time at bat?

"The whiff heard around the world." Remember that?

(sigh)

What's that say?

It says,

"Kiss my ass, Dad."

That's it. I gotta take a break.

Another break? He just took a break!

Oh, it's his hand.

He's got that thing where he can't sign autographs.

That, uh, Lincoln Tunnel Syndrome!

He doesn't have a problem picking up a beer bottle!

I can't take this anymore, Arliss. Come on,

I think we can still make the fifth race at Santa Anita.

♪ ♪

He's supposed to sign for five hours!

He's only been here for two!

Sorry, Arliss. I guess I dropped the ball.

Uh, that's okay. The next one's a can't miss.

(organ plays "Charge")

♪ ♪

Welcome to Ferullo's Diamond Wheel Casino.

What'd I tell you? What did I tell you?

That's the best I've ever seen!

Great grip, and you look at that eye contact!

Welcome to Ferullo's Diamond Wheel Casino.

Ferullo: That's the best I've ever seen, eh?

- The best! - The best!

Hey, hey! Look who's here!

You're doing great, he loves you.

Keep it up! Keep it up!

Hey, Rock!

I want you to meet one of our most loyal patrons.

Rock, Howie Rosenberg.

Welcome to Ferullo's Diamond Wheel Casino.

Hey, Rock... Do me a favor.

I got a girl I wanna impress. When I bring her over,

pretend we're old friends.

You know, like golfing buddies or something. Huh?

Uh...

Sure, sure. Why not?

Thanks.

(both chuckle)

Good job, Rock.

That personal touch. That always helps, huh?

Hey, Arliss! Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

You're doing great. Keep it up, and no, uh, drinking...

Okay.

♪ ♪

Oh! Hey, Rock!

Good to see you again.

Honey, meet an old pal of mine,

Rocky Framaggio!

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to Ferullo's Diamond Wheel Casino.

(laugh) You know, Rocky and I go back

a long way together, right?

Don't we, Rock?

(laugh) I give him advice all the time

on how he was dropping his shoulder,

opening up too much.

Whatever you say, Howie.

(chuckles) And those investments, huh?

That stupid chicken chain?

Oh, whoa, was that a stupid idea!

(both laughing)

And those bimbos you married?

Rock! What were you thinking?

(laugh) Oh, hey,

and worst of all...

the money you cost me in '63,

when you struck out with the bases loaded

to end the Series? Ho boy,

did you look bad out there.

(laughing)

That's right, I struck out to end the Series.

But, you know what it's like, don't you, Howie?

Standing in the batter's box on bad knees,

trying to hit a 99 mile an hour fastball,

with a shoulder that keeps popping out of the socket?

Oh, I forgot!

You never played the game, did you?

You just like to sit back and criticize

and be a big shot.

Guys like you piss me off

'cause you don't know jack shit.

Seem to be getting along well.

He's good, See, Howie's one of our best customers.

Well, what did I tell you?

Pardon my French, ma'am.

I don't mean to embarrass

a fine woman like yourself,

but I think you should know that

your friend here is what we used to call

in the big leagues,

"A fucking asshole."

(laughs)

Rock's always kidding.

I'm not kidding, zoo breath.

Why don't you get rid of that stupid divot on your head?

Hair of the dog, huh?

Ah!

Howie!

Get your sorry ass outta here!

♪ ♪

He went 0 for three.

What am I gonna do?

The man couldn't hold onto a job

where all he had to do was sign his name.

The man couldn't hold onto a job

where all he had to do was shake hands.

Arliss, just let him go.

You don't understand what this guy means to me.

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Oh, yeah, okay. Kirby.

(sigh)

Yeah, Kirby.

Yeah, I just got a call from the stables,

and, um, Mac needs to see you right away.

What, did Elmer's finally make an offer?

I don't know. I'm just...

I'm just telling you what he told me.

Fine. I'm on my way.

(sigh) More good news.

Rita, call Dr. Kevorkian.

See if he's got an opening for me this afternoon.

(grunting)

You know, uh, honey?

It's been, uh, over a week,

since we've gone a couple rounds.

(panting)

I'm in training.

I got a fight in two weeks.

Two weeks!?

(panting)

So, drop it!

Two weeks?

(horse snorts)

Looks like old-fashioned arthritis to me.

I think the salad days of First-to-Third are over.

Salad days?

We never got to the,

"Can I get you something from the bar?" days!

I got a friend up in Oxnard who has a stud ranch up there.

He'll pay a good fee for a stallion like this.

They have ranches that breed losers?

Sure.

It's all about bloodlines.

First-to-Third is fourth-removed

from the second cousin

of the grandson of Secretariat.

They'll extract his semen in the hope that

the offspring will have greatness in his genes.

People will pay a lot of money for this.

(sigh)

Once a thoroughbred,

always a thoroughbred.

♪ ♪

No...

Why not?

Why the hell not?

(neigh)

As we close out the final few seconds

on our autographed baseball,

let's move onto our next item,

which is most unique.

Look at that beautifully

handcrafted collector's item.

What's inside?

I'll let my next two guests explain that.

With me, a man who needs no introduction.

Wait, maybe he does.

Batting clean-up, number nine,

Mr. Rocky Framaggio,

and his agent,

Mr. Arliss Michaels.

Welcome.

Thank you, Nan.

As you know, The Rock has always been synonymous

with the American dream.

Well, inside that cup

is the stuff that dreams are made of.

Frozen in liquid nitrogen,

at minus 320 degrees.

Yes, Rocky Framaggio, The Rock,

can be the father of your next child.

Now, technology keeps the sperm frozen,

or is the correct word viable?

That's what they tell me. I just jerk off.

Actually (laughs), there's a lot more to it than that.

Oh, I can see that we're getting

quite a response already.

I'm curious, how did the two of you

hit upon such a wonderful idea?

I wanted to give something back to the fans,

plus it allows me to work out of the home.

Imagine, your son

batting in the bottom of the ninth,

with the bases loaded,

with this man's blood

pumping through his veins.

Like I always say,

if I had a nickel for every time I did it...

Plus, we're including a free t-ball starter set

for the first 25 callers.

The perfect Father's Day gift.

Let's take some calls, shall we?

Hello? Joe from Medford, Oregon.

Joe: Hello.

Always been a big fan of yours, Rock.

How safe is all this?

I'm healthy as a horse, Joe.

Arliss: All samples are thoroughly screened

and medically certified.

Uh, Marcus from New York City.

Marcus: Yeah, listen,

I saw The Rock passed out

in a public john at Pimlico. Is he still hitting the bot...

We're getting interference here.

Can we take another call, please? Another call, please?

Kathy from Aurora, Illinois.

Go ahead.

Kathy: My husband sits at the dinner table,

just staring at his steamed peas.

I can't wait to see the look on his face

when I surprise him with The Rock's child!

(laughing)

I think this would make

a priceless anniversary present!

(alarm ringing)

Oh my, I see we've already sold out

of this item in record time.

Callers, please, uh, just hang up your phone...

Uh, excuse me, Nan! I'm...

getting a message from Phil in the warehouse. What?

He says he has room for 50 more orders!

50 more?

The response has been overwhelming.

And I've pitched the idea to

Montana, Koufax, Dr. J, and Jim Brown!

What a success story.

It's the great American wet dream!

This is unbelievable.

Why?

Doesn't your friend pay for the sperm for her in vitro?

Uh, maybe a little.

Not 5,000 dollars.

Well, maybe if she paid a little more,

she'd give birth to a future Hall of Famer.

(scoff) I can't believe that you talked

Rocky Framaggio into doing this.

Stanley: Rita...

Both: You never have to talk men into doing this.

Here it is.

All Pac-10,

all American,

and there's plenty more where that came from.

Ew, I don't have to be here.

Oh, just 'cause you haven't gotten any

since the Carter administration!

(laugh) No, Kirby. It's because

I have high standards when it comes to men.

All you need is an inflatable doll with a pulse.

Yeah, right, that's why you sit at home on Friday nights,

watching the Lifetime channel with your cats!

Why does the idea of

getting pregnant without having to deal with men

suddenly seem so appealing?

(clicks tongue)

Wait a minute...

they make 'em with pulses now?

Oh shit!

I have to call Wilt by 6:00.

♪ ♪

Um...

Arliss, we gotta talk.

Man to man.

Yeah, sure.

What's the matter?

You're healing pretty good.

It's the first time in a while

I haven't seen you looking like George Chuvalo. (chuckle)

(chuckle) Um, well see,

Cheetah's been training for the Betty Clocker fight.

No sex for two weeks.

You know, and I got this massive case of blue balls.

Yeah...

You know, I love Cheetah.

But, to tell you the truth,

I hope she gets knocked out.

What?

I mean, I-I-I don't want her to get hurt. I just...

I hope she loses the fight, for my sake.

You know? Because if she wins

this fight, she's liable to get a title shot.

I mean (laughs),

I might not get any pussy for a year!

(chuckles) Phew!

Yeah...

Yeah, yeah.

Um...

I don't know what to tell you.

Uh...

(chuckle) That's okay.

You know, it's just... It feels good to...

be able to talk about it.

That's what I'm here for.

(back slapping)

Do you know what time he'll be back?

It's a rather personal matter.

Uh, could you tell him,

or whoever represents Mr. Costner

to get in touch with Arliss Michaels Management?

No, we're not a film management.

We represent athletes,

but we have a very interesting proposition for Mr. Costner.

Yes.

Rita Wu.

Thank you.

- What is this? - Uh, hey, that's, that's per...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Denzel Washington, Yo-Yo Ma,

George Stephanopoulos, Tom Selleck, Jim Carrey?

My friend heard about your service, and she thought,

why an anonymous donor? Why not a made-to-order man?

Your friend has quite a wish list!

Yeah, well, she tends to favor

intellectual aptitude, taste, and talent.

Your friend?

My friend.

(phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels Management.

Yeah, one second.

It's your trainer.

Uh, schedule me a cardiovascular workout for Thursday.

No, not your personal trainer.

Your horse trainer.

(snorts like a horse)

What?

Arliss: He's sterile!?

He sure is.

He's packing less ammo than a conscientious objector.

Are you sure?

Wait! He's only been with mares, right?

Maybe he's into stallions?

(chuckles) Sorry.

Infertile is as infertile does.

Wha...

Bye bye, guy.

You know, when Khrushchev came to this country back in '58,

you know who he told Ike he wanted to meet?

Mickey Mouse,

Kim Novak,

and me.

(chuckles)

How come you're not at the lab?

That's why I'm here, Arliss. Uh...

We have to talk.

I can't do it anymore.

Oh, sure you can!

I got you that new video.

"Sex Trek, The Next Penetration."

(laughs) No, it's not the problem.

I-I just need to pull out of our little venture.

Pull out? You're joking!

Rock, you're okay, aren't you?

I used to say I didn't want a job in baseball

because I couldn't relate to today's players,

but that was bullshit.

I called every club and asked for a job, and...

none of them would gimme a chance

because they knew I'd show up drunk.

Well, I guess after seeing the TV thing,

somebody in New York must've

felt sorry for me or something

'cause I got a call from the big club

telling me they'd give me a shot

as a hitting instructor.

That is if I stay clean.

New York?

Yeah.

That's great! That's great!

Well, it may be my last chance.

I don't wanna mess it up, except I...

Except what?

Well, except, I'm a little scared about

checking into a clinic.

The Rock in rehab.

Shit. (chuckles)

What'll people think?

I think it might help a lot of other people.

Well, maybe. (chuckles)

Oh, one more thing.

No, no, no.

I'll pay for it.

I'll make it part of your deal.

You'll still make my deal?

On the house!

Hell, I'm not gonna let you trust an agent!

(snorts, laughs)

Thanks.

Oh, I...

I brought you something.

("Chinatown" theme plays)

I don't know if you were really in the ballpark

on that day or not, but...

that was. (chuckle)

That's my 500th home run ball.

Thanks.

No, thank you.

You...

Really helped me a lot when I needed it.

Was that you?

Oh, hell.

I meant to call you, but I forgot your number.

(chuckles)

It's nine.

Good bye, kid.

Arliss: For most us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

Alright! Yes!

Two. Three.

Stay down! Stay down, honey. Stay down.

- Stay down. - That's it. That's it.

She's out! She's out!

Yes! Yes!

We leased equipment,

not to mention refunding our receipts

from the shopping network.

And what are we supposed to do

with 200 sperm decanters?

Use them as jelly jars?

Spit cups for chewing tobacco?

Jesus Christ, we're out of pocket 50 grand at least!

(music continues)

(knocking)

I'm leaving.

Oh, okay. Have a good night.

Are you okay?

Fine!

Arliss, you are such a fan.

(crowd murmuring)

Announcer: Rocky's been stuck on home run number 499 for almost a week.

Pascual gets the sign. Here's the pitch.

(bat hitting ball)

There's a long drive, deep to right, way back.

Arliss: My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Announcer: Holy cow, Rocky Framaggio has just hit home run number 500.

And this crowd is going crazy.

They're fighting for the ball.

And some youngster's gonna have himself

one heck of a souvenir.

(crowd noise fades)

("Chinatown" music continues)

♪ ♪