Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss: For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss: Sports fans tend to reduce their games and players

to statistics.

This impulse reached its peak with the rise of a religion

known as "Rotisserie" or "Fantasy Baseball."

Welcome to the 12th Annual Den of Thieves

Fantasy League Draft.

I, uh, wanna welcome everyone back.

All of our aging, grizzled veterans, you know who you are.

Both in person and absentia.

Jonathan, are you there?

Jonathan Silverman: Hey, everybody, sorry I can't be there,

but (laughing) hey-hey-hey, this is gonna be our year.

Fat chance! That "Weekend at Bernie" guy had more life

than your team.

Thanks, Doc. How those Rogaine treatments workin' for ya?

(laughter)

And, welcoming our newest team...

(others heckling) Rookie, rookie, rookie...

All right, all right, all right, come on, wait a minute.

Now, as is our custom, we congratulate our defending champions,

Excuse me, two-time defending champion.

Two-time defending champion and, cosmetic surgeon to the stars,

I may add, Vic Freed, and his team, Silicone Valley.

- (others booing) - Three-peat this year, gentlemen, three-peat.

Freed, nice job with the Jacksons.

What is that, one mask fits all?

(laughter)

Hey, Brandon, I, uh, I got a lead for ya.

They're lookin' for a new head of programming over at the Weather Channel.

(laughter)

Freed, you are so beneath contempt,

I am moving my seat closer to Shapiro.

Hey-hey-hey, that's collusion. Hey-hey, split 'em up, let's go.

Bernie: Before this gets ugly, let me... let me go through the rules.

You have $260 to bid on 23 major league baseball players.

Excuse me, I need a clarification.

Are we drafting from both the American League and the National League?

Others: No, no, no no no.

Bob, we draft only from the National League.

So if a player's real team trades him over to the American League,

it's like, you know, he's... he's dropped dead

as far as we're concerned.

Now, the team with the best combined player stats

at the end of the season wins the pot and the trophy.

Here it sits... and here it's gonna stay.

(disapproving murmurs)

All right, all right, all right, no, hey, come on, hold it, hold it.

Right. Everybody understand?

Okay. You ready to start the auction now?

Arliss? Uh, once again we have your word that you won't

pump your contacts for inside information.

You know, every year we go through this. Do you honestly think

I would jeopardize my practice to win a "Rotisserie League"?

Of course you have my word.

I'd say, look for big things from Eric Davis.

- Eric Davis? - Eric Davis.

Eric? The same Eric... the same Eric Davis?

Eric... Eric the Red.

Five dollars for Eric Davis!

Five dollars for Eric Davis?

He didn't even play last year.

- It's too much... - Bernie: Going once...

- Trust me! Trust me! - Bernie: going twice... sold!

To Frozen Ropes for five dollars.

All right, Pete Incaviglia.

Who wants the "Inky-Dinky" man?

Five dollars.

Too low, six bucks.

Seven.

I'm gonna go eight. I love Inky, I really want Inky.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... - Eight bucks!

- Hey, how you doin'? - What's up, buddy?

What's up, man? How you doin'?

All right, brother, it's good to see you.

Stud.

- Welcome back, bro. - All right.

You too, man. Good to see you, Inky.

- What about Inky? - Ah, forget him.

- No, don't. Pass. - Nine.

Too much. It's too much.

Bernie: Nine dollars once.

- I want... I want Inky. - Bernie: Twice?

Nine dollars. Once... going twice.

Sold! The Inky!

Silicone Valley.

Inky-Dinky-Do!

Eric Karros, uh... 13 bucks.

- Gary Sheffield. - Thirty bucks.

- (heavy sigh) - No, no, that's too high. Six.

Ken Caminiti.

Vince Coleman, one dollar.

Gary Coleman, two dollars.

- (laughter) - Uh, Pulsipher. Eleven.

Ah, it's too much!

Sold!

Arliss: Oh, Kirby!

It's good.

The man. Barry Bonds.

- Brandon: I gotta have him. - Seventeen.

- Twenty dollars. - Jonathan Silverman: Twenty-five.

Third baseman, Matt Williams.

Piazza.

Nomo...

Hey, Brandon... did they have fantasy baseball when I was playing?

Absolutely. In fact, you were my very first pick.

I got you for three bucks.

That was a steal.

Actually, I overpaid. You sucked that year.

Bernie: Okay, Jeff Bagwell.

- Fifteen. - Sixteen.

Jonathan Silverman: Double deuces.

Twenty-three.

Twenty-eight.

Thirty-five, that's it.

Thirty-five? Is that it?

Yours.

Jeff Bagwell. Sold to the Single Guy for 35.

Ha-ho, baby, we got the Bag!

All right, next, uh... Ned Bastille, pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies.

Twenty dollars.

Twenty-five.

Forget it. Ned Bastille's a Frozen Rope.

Twenty-six.

Must be a client. Thirty.

Thirty-one.

Thirty-two.

Thirty-three.

Arliss and Freed are like... Ali and Frazier.

Every year Arliss buys Bastille and every year Freed makes him overpay.

Thirty-six.

Thirty-eight.

Don't... 40 dollars.

Bernie: Forty dollars going once...

twice... sold! To Frozen Ropes.

Ned Bastille for 40 dollars.

You bid too much!

That makes Bastille the highest pitcher in baseball? Forget it.

Higher than Maddux?

He's worth it. And, he's an AMM client.

They always get the highest prices!

(skeptical murmurs)

All right, all right, all right, come on, wait a minute.

Arliss: Grown men and women invest enormous amounts

of time and energy in fantasy baseball.

Some claim it's a perfect simulation of reality.

But in fact, it's mere child's play compared to flesh and blood players,

and their very real lives.

Hi, I'm Marcie Bastille,

chairperson of Bastille's Buddies.

And I'm Ned Bastille. I pitch for Philadelphia.

And I'm Ed Rendell, the mayor of Philadelphia,

and this is our city.

I grew up right here in Philadelphia.

Played in this park as a kid.

Join the Bastille Buddies, and help keep this park clean.

And our streets safe. Right, guys?

All: Right!

And cut! Perfect! I love it, let's do it again.

See, you talk about your role models, Ned Bastille,

more popular in Philadelphia than cheesesteak.

And you know Philly fans, they boo funerals and Santa Claus.

(chuckles)

We're gonna get together in a few weeks and talk about an extension.

We want Ned Bastille to start and finish his career right here in Philadelphia.

Great. Let me help you get started. Four years, $20 million.

Four years? He'll be 38 in four years.

Thirty-eight? Wow!

I had no idea he was gonna be 38!

Take him out behind the barn and shoot him!

Break open his leg, count the rings!

Fine. You don't wanna sign him,

he plays on his option, becomes a free agent.

There are plenty of other teams who would love to sign a 200-game winner

to a four-year deal.

Arliss, you know that we don't sign pitchers to long-term deals.

Mr. Mayor, do you know the general manager of your baseball team

is balking at signing Ned Bastille

to a contract extension?

Whoa, be careful, Tom.

You know, it's been a tough enough year already.

You don't wanna be known as the guy who let the Liberty Bell get away.

(chuckles) Don't worry. We'll make it work!

Great! Great, great.

- Pretzel? - No, I don't touch the stuff.

Arliss: In this day and age, few of the immortals

finish their career with the dignity they deserve.

In the bosom of the city that nurtured them.

Talk about players that are associated with teams,

there are very few that are associated.

There's Cal Ripken. There's Junior Griffey,

and Philadelphia's N... Ned Bastille, I mean, there's...

Maybe they don't want me anymore.

Maybe I'm a fool for wantin' to finish my career in Philadelphia.

Of course they want you.

The question is, for how long?

I've got at least four more good years in this arm.

Hey, forget about this. Let me handle that.

You concentrate on winning the pennant.

Excuse me, Arliss, he plays for Philadelphia.

Ahh. Look. The pressure is all on them.

If they don't sign you to a new contract before the season's over,

you become a free agent.

- Free agent? - Marce and I talked about it, Arliss.

We don't wanna go the free agent route.

We love it here. We have friends here in Philadelphia.

We just finished building our dream house here,

and we wanna raise our family here.

And you will raise your family here.

You know it and I know it.

But I don't want them to know it!

Look, l... let me handle this. I promise you,

within six months, you will be,

pardon the expression, farting through silk.

Yeah, but where will I be fartin' through silk?

Where else? The bedroom.

(laughing)

Trust me. I'll make it work.

Arliss: As an agent, I dedicate myself 24 hours a day

to looking after only my clients' best interests.

I constantly ask myself the question, how am I doing?

Son of a bitch!

Ew, what?

My team, the Frozen Ropes, are in fifth place,

and that damn Freed is in third, it gets me right here!

You know, at the beginning it was kinda cute, you know,

this fantasy baseball, like little kids trading baseball cards.

But now it's, uh, reams of statistics clogging up the fax machines,

uh, Kirby on the phone, uh, making trades...

Whoa-whoa-whoa, Kirby's making trades?

All day. And then, uh, there's messages, from, uh,

your flatliner roto friends, what is this?

Tartikoff, Shapiro...

Kirby: Look, you need speed, we need power.

How about DeShields and Finley for Bagwell?

- I'm not stoned. - Who you on with?

- The Single Guy. - You're not supposed to make any trades without me.

- What are they offering? - Bagwell.

(whispering) Bagwell? Go-go-go-go-go.

Look, you still there?

Yes, I'm still here. So's Jeff Bagwell.

What's he want?

- Um... - Waiting for you on set, Jonathan.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a minute.

Look, Bagwell is the best hitter in the National League.

You want him? I want Finley, DeShields... two pitchers.

He wants two more pitchers!

Fine, give him those two Mets stiffs you hyped me on, uh, Pulsipher and Wilson.

- No! - Yes! Between 'em they got one win!

Uh, well, we'll throw in Pulsipher.

(laughs) Pulsipher? That stiff?

-And Wilson! And Wilson! -And Wilson!

Jonathan, we gotta go.

Hey-hey-hey, I am making a trade here!

All right. All right. So what do we got?

We got... Yeah-yeah. We got, uh, uh, Finley, DeShields, Pulsipher,

- and Wilson... - Yeah.

For Bagwell. Deal?

Deal! Okay! Great!

Yeah! We got Bagwell!

- We got Bagwell! - We got Bagwell!

(Kirby laughs) G'bye!

- We got Bagwell! - Bagwell!

- We got Bagwell! - Really good, I mean, we're gonna need more power

if we're gonna beat Freed's team.

Hey, I don't think Freed has enough pitching this year, I really don't.

- He's got no pitching! - None.

I just got off the phone with Ken Caminiti's wife.

Ken just cut his finger slicing tomatoes.

He's gonna be out for two weeks.

All right!

Uh, excuse me... we represent Ken.

Yeah? Well, he's on Freed's fantasy team.

- That's right! - Yes!

That's right! That's right!

Enough fantasy!

Oh, and, uh, these came in from Tom Gale's office,

he wants to talk to you about Ned Bastille's contract.

Oh, you remember him, uh, he pitches for a real baseball team.

Yes, we remember Ned Bastille, he's a Frozen Rope!

What is this? Gale's not moving on this Bastille thing at all.

Rita, have the Gulfstream fueled, I'm gonna fly to Philly

and talk to Fregosi personally.

Both: Bagwell!

Arliss: While negotiating, it's important

to respect boundaries.

To an agent, the playing field is strictly off limits.

Well, you know I want Ned.

He's a key guy on my pitching staff.

He means everything, he's the guy that gives me the innings I need

to be successful throughout a season.

- Absolutely. - But the problem with the game today...

is that agents are trying to run the game.

Now, Ned... is a great pitcher.

He wants to be a Phillie.

That's the thing that we gotta talk about.

We gotta be able to work somethin' out.

I agree. He doesn't wanna leave.

He wants to stay. He's got a home here. He's got roots here.

We all wanna stay here.

If it was up to me, I'd give him a long-term contract.

But that job is not up to me.

-Talk to Gale. Talk to... -I have talked to him.

Talk to Gale.

Arliss, Fregosi tore me a new asshole

when he heard about the prospect of losing Bastille.

So, extend his contract four years.

Look, our last few long-term deals didn't turn out so hot.

We just don't have the budget

to do more than one year, with an option.

This is absurd! You know he can get a better deal

from any team in the league!

Okay, fine.

I guess Ned's just gonna have to walk away at the end of the year.

Actually, we were thinkin' it might serve all of our interests

to let him walk away sooner.

Huh?

Any chance Ned might be willing to waive his no-trade clause?

I'm sorry?

Waive it.

Waive his no-trade clause?

You're asking Ned Bastille to just walk away from Philadelphia?

Shame on you!

Shame!

What do you think?

And don't mention trade again, Arliss!

It's banned from the language!

I can't believe they wanna trade me!

Well, they don't want to trade you.

It's just that they figure, if you're gonna walk away at the end of the year,

they'd like to get something for you now.

Oh, so I become a rent-a-player?

Y...

I say we stay here. This is where we live.

What's an extra million dollars?

(chuckles) Well, it's not just another million dollars.

It's another 15 to 20 million dollars.

Besides, I think this whole thing can work to our benefit.

How could it work to our benefit?

Because we hold all the cards.

I can engineer a move to a contender like Atlanta, or Los Angeles.

And why would we wanna do that?

Because this might be his last chance to win and he knows it.

In a day I can have you goin' from a team that's 15 back

to one that's five in front.

You'll be able to pitch a game this year in September that means something.

A pennant race.

Do you remember what that felt like in '93?

We were so close.

Goddamn Joe Carter.

And I know you, Ned.

And I know that fire still burns in your belly.

Oh, man, it rages.

Fine! Go ahead.

But if you go, I'm not moving with you.

Eh... Honey!

Look, I love this town every bit as much as you do.

But I wanna win a World Series.

I'm a ballplayer.

That's what I do.

Winning means more to me than anything else in the world.

Except you.

If you say no-go... (sighs) then it's no-go.

Okay.

Waive your no-trade clause.

But only if it's a contender.

Trust me. I'll make this work.

Look Pedro Astacio for Inky's a good deal.

No, I'm not stoned.

(whispers) Who you talkin' to?

Uh, one of the other teams, um, I just...

Freed! Give me that!

Freed, what are you tryin' to pull?

Hey-hey. I thought you needed a little pop, so sue me.

I need a little pitchin',

and when you're the two-time defendin' champion,

nobody wants to talk to you.

No, when you're a prick with ears, no one wants to talk with you.

Anyway, you got nothin' we want.

Oh, really? How about the Den of Thieves trophy?

Silicone Valley, baby!

Three-peat!

What are you, nuts? Makin' a trade with Freed.

You know he's gonna fuck us!

Well, we gotta make a move. We'd be in first instead of Freed if we had Inky.

I mean, we need another power hitter, Arliss.

Okay, trade for Carreon, he won't cost much.

He just got traded to the American League. He's dead.

Look, Kirby, I know what happens when you get this way.

You wanna make a trade just for the sake of makin' a trade.

But remember, no deals unless you consult with me first, understand?

Hey, you guys play fantasy baseball, huh?

- Yeah. - Yeah. How'd you know?

Hunch. Hey, I got a tip for ya.

- What? - Get a fuckin' life.

Do you think the team could use Ned Bastille?

Ned Bastille, let me tell you somethin' about Ned Bastille.

This guy's got a lotta talent.

Now, I know the Dodgers are talkin' with him,

- but I mean, it's like... - You can't let the Dodgers have him,

we're fightin' with them for the League ERA crown. We gotta have him.

This guy's awesome.

I think he'd fit in real well with Maddux, Glavine, Smoltz and Avery.

N... no, John, John, it's a no-brainer.

You've got a super-station to program in Atlanta.

So what does all programming need?

Stars! Well, Ned Bastille is the biggest star out there!

So bring me an offer that I can take to Gale!

When I draft Gary Sheffield, I expect you to hit 30 homers

and steal 30 bases!

I mean, Jesus, my cleaning lady steals more than you do.

Look, I gotta face Nomo tonight.

Last thing I wanna talk about is some candy-ass kid game.

Why don't you go play Battleship or something?

Okay?

Fred, the Lakers just signed Shaq.

You've got to compete for the entertainment dollar in Los Angeles.

Now your pitchers are runnin' out of nationalities

and I'm running out of time.

So bring me an offer I can take to Gale.

Hey, Kirby, what's up?

Nothin' that you leavin' won't help.

Arliss around?

No.

I saw the stats. You guys moved ahead of me into first.

Gotta hand it to you.

Yeah, we're comin' down to the wire.

Mm. But you know, you are the brains of the team.

You're the one that wanted Inky. I remember that.

You're the one, you said, "Arliss, I gotta have him."

But he wouldn't listen.

- Not one of his strong points. - No.

You know, if we had more power, we'd be runnin' away with this thing.

Couldn't agree with you more.

You know...

maybe I can help.

Look, Arliss, I'm not givin' away Ned Bastille for nothin'.

L.A. is offering Billy Ashley and Mike Bush.

I'd rather have Eric Karros.

I'd rather have 48 hours in a hotel room with Ellen Barkin,

but that's not gonna happen, either.

Hold.

Marcie, it looks like I'll have something worked out

by the time the team arrives in L.A.

You flyin' out to meet Ned?

Yes! I'm starting to get excited.

Rita found us a house in the Palisades.

It's got hardwood floors and a sub-zero.

Granite counters?

You bet. It's got it all.

Great, can't wait to see you.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Now what?

Pittsburgh is offering Al Martin and Orlando Merced.

I don't give a fuck if they're offering

Willie Stargel and Roberto Clemente!

He ain't goin' to Pittsburgh!

Hold!

Ned? It looks like Los Angle-eeeez!

Shit!

I can't get through.

Aw, too bad Arliss won't let you make a trade on your own.

It's team policy, you know? We're equal partners.

Well, sure you are. That's why it says Kirby Carlisle Management

on the door.

Go ahead, Kirby. Pull the trigger.

Cincinnati!

When did they move to the coast?

Look, Gail, it's L.A. or no way!

(singing) I got the power! I got the power!

De-duh-de-duh de-de duh-de. I got the power!

Boom-boom-boom!

(quietly) Look-look-look. Come here. Come here.

Are. You. Stoned?

I did it! I got the missing piece to the puzzle!

Yes!

What puzzle?

The Frozen Rope puzzle!

- (phone rings) - Now we're gonna run away with the title.

What'd you find out? What'd you find... what'd you learn?

What's the info? Give! Give me the skinny!

-(singing) I got the power! -Give me the skinny!

I got the power!

All right, give it!

Arliss, Arliss.

The LAPD's on line one. They say it's an emergency.

Okay, uh, better find out where Bob Shapiro is, just in case.

Arliss Michaels here.

Yes, Arliss Michaels...

this is Lt. Freed of the Fantasy League Patrol.

Freed.

Major wanker.

Major wanker!

Fuck him.

You are such an asshole. Why would you do something like that?

'Cause I knew it'd get your attention.

'Cause what I'm about to tell ya... is gonna blow your mind.

(laughs)

So...

you traded Ned Bastille.

The Den of Thieves trophy is ours!

(laughs)

You traded Ned Bastille.

I got Inky.

You know, four home runs, 12 RBI's last week.

Player of the week!

You traded Bastille!

(glass breaking)

Come here! Get over here!

Don't you run away! I'm gonna kill you!

Calm down!

Calm down? Calm down? He traded Ned Bastille!

He traded Ned Bastille without my permission!

I thought Ned wanted to stay in Philly.

Not the real Ned Bastille, the Frozen Ropes Ned Bastille!

It's a good trade!

- Oh! - Inky's on a tear!

This meltdown has to do with fantasy baseball?

Arliss/Kirby: Yeah!

Oh, go ahead and beat your brains out.

Oh, you know, we need Inky's offense to win this league!

League? There is no league.

You just gave him the best pitcher in the league!

Freed's gonna win because you gave him Ned Bastille

without my permission!

You know, you treat me like I'm your fuckin' little brother!

Like I gotta ask your permission to take a piss!

Well, if you didn't ask my permission to take a piss,

(sing-song) you'd probably piss in your pants!

Jesus, Arliss! That blow was so low,

it'd start a riot in the Garden.

Now listen, you are jeopardizing a friendship

over a game. Excuse me, a game about a game.

(exhales)

Give me the bat.

Gently.

Okay, maybe I did overreact.

I swear to God I tried to reach you.

Oh, Ned Bastille was our ace.

That's why we paid so much money for him.

You never trade an ace!

And now he's Freed's ace!

(sighs) We're dead.

I'm sorry.

On top of which, he's now being traded from a last-place team

to a contender.

Bastille's being traded?

To who?

We draft only from the National League,

so if a players' real team trades him over to the American League,

it's like, you know, he's... he's dropped dead.

(echoing) Dropped dead. Dropped dead. Dropped dead.

Boss, where's Bastille goin'?

Milwaukee?

Yeah.

There is no way I am going to live in Milwaukee.

How did Milwaukee enter into this?

Bud Selig calls me out of the blue,

and he's offering a guaranteed $18 million

four-year deal!

You never said anything about the American League?

And what about the Dodgers?

Oh, sure, you can be a rent-a-player here,

but, I've been thinking about what Marcie said about living in a big city

with small-town values, and I gotta tell ya right away,

that puts the kibosh on L.A. I mean, this place is immoral, uh, it's Sin City.

Yeah, but... you live here.

Look at this... fresh Milwaukee beer.

Frothy. Try some.

Whatever happened to Atlanta?

(chuckles) Like they need pitching.

Milwaukee? Philadelphia has a better chance of winning the Series

than... than Milwaukee.

Yeah, Arliss. Remember that whole speech

about goin' to a winner?

Trust me. The people in Milwaukee are committed!

You sign, they'll declare Bastille Day!

Two, please.

Bratwurst.

Milwaukee's finest.

- Try some! - Okay, that's it!

Stop. Now I would've never agreed on waiving your no-trade clause

if I knew it'd mean going to Milwaukee.

Well, you should at least think about it.

There's nothing to think about.

Sure there is. We're talking about a four-year deal.

You never know what's gonna happen, his arm could blow out tomorrow.

It's security, it's guaranteed.

(screaming) It's Milwaukee!

Arliss? You talked us into moving out here to Los Angeles,

and now we're here. And nothing on God's green earth

is going to make us move again. Nothing!

(rumbling noise)

What the hell is that?

(screaming) Arliss, Arliss!

(screaming)

Arliss!

(crying)

(alarm blaring)

Is it over?

You all right, baby?

My god... that was an earthquake.

Oh, no-no, that was an aftershock.

Earthquake? That's a whole other matter!

(chuckles)

Right, Kirby?

Oh... oh, you gotta see one of them babies, it's... boom! (chuckles)

Here we go. A little pound here, a little tap there,

your nose'll be saying, "Goodbye, Streisand, hello, Winona."

Radio announcer: And in sports, the Phillies send Cy Young winner

Ned Bastille to the Milwaukee Brewers.

(screams) Whaaaat!

Arliss/Kirby: Frozen Ropes! Ropes! Ropes! Ropes!

Ropes, Ropes, Ropes!

Arliss: My clients know that they can always trust me to do

whatever is best for them.

My own personal gain is irrelevant.

The client's best interest is paramount.

It's knowing that you've done everything in your power

to make this moment happen.

Ahh, that then, is the sweetest victory of all.

(rock music playing)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes. These are my stories.

(rock music continues)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ Tonight I'm dancin' ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ Tonight I'm dancin' ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ This is my song tonight ♪

♪ This is my song tonight ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ This is my song tonight ♪

♪ This is my song tonight ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Tonight I'm dancin' ♪