Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

we live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes,

these are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): One of the swell things about my chosen profession

is the opportunity it affords me

to visit exciting and exotic places.

Kirby, why are we here?

You know I hate the beach.

Just give it a chance.

No, you don't understand.

If you microscopically wrote,

"Arliss Michaels hates the beach,"

onto every grain of sand,

it still would not underline enough

how much I hate the beach.

You won't be sorry, okay?

Excuse me! Oh!

Oh, hi.

I enjoyed that.

Cocoa butter on Italian gabardine.

That can't be good.

Arliss, I present to you an exciting new world

with precious, untapped natural resources

just waiting to be... tapped.

Behold!

(cheers and applause)

Woman: Whoo!

Arliss (narrating): There comes a time in every agent's life

when he discovers something truly inspiring.

Caramba!

And it's not always just the athlete.

Sometimes it's their milieu,

the arena in which they toil.

- See those guys over there? - Uh-huh.

That's Urch and Rack.

By next year, they'll be the best two-man volleyball team in the country.

Okay, they knock down more tail in a weekend

than I do in a year.

(women screaming)

Listen, all these people, they get in for free?

For free? For free?

(whistle blows)

Can I apply a free sample of Catalina Tropic's non-oily sunscreen?

Nectarine number Nine.

Oh! Honey, you can apply Nine through Ninety-Nine.

Oh man, there's too much stuff being given away for free.

I haven't seen one dime exchange hands.

Unless you count panhandlers.

Now see, you can change all that with your marketing genius.

Oh boy, I'm telling you,

it's not the sport that's golden.

It's the scene, dude!

(cheering and applause)

Thanks.

Arliss (narrating): Timing is everything.

Arliss always says Carpe Diem.

Seize the moment. You must become one of them.

Speak their language.

I got nothing against scratch, Arlo.

We notch every night.

Wake up to breaking waves,

slap white leather till sunset.

Yeah! We're already rich.

I believe you mean "enriched," like flour.

Quite stalling, Arlo. Hurry up and drink.

- Oh, no, no, no. None... none for us. - No, no, no.

(scoffs)

Losers!

"Losers"?

Losers.

They're calling us losers.

Wrong. You guys are the losers.

Open your eyes!

All of you! Don't you see what you got in front of you?

Volleyball should be every bit as popular as basketball.

It's got passion, it's got grace,

and above all, it's got hard bodies with very little on!

It's sexy! It is hip!

The only thing is, you're giving your product away for free!

That's stupid.

You guys need to be marketed!

You should have a world indoor tour!

Yeah! The majority of the women players last year

made less than $10,000 on the circuit.

Oh my God, it's worse than I thought.

That's below the poverty line!

Tour's been done, dude!

Been done all wrong.

We'll bring the scene to the people!

The landlocked, the huddled, beach-less masses

throughout the world.

Guys! This man represents Barry Bonds, Shaq, and Jerry Rice.

Wayne Gretzky, Reggie Miller, Albert Belle, Cigar.

We would be so stupid not to do it.

How do we know we can trust these guys?

They don't shred.

Yeah. They don't drink.

And I don't trust nobody who don't drink.

Well, in that case, barkeep!

Line up ten of Jose's family on both sides of the table!

Double shots!

Here's the game.

Shirts versus... skins.

Who's ever left standing wins.

What do you got in mind, agent?

We win?

You join the tour.

You win?

Cuervo Gold for life.

(crowd oohs)

Let's rock.

Boss, listen, you can't even handle Diet Snapple.

How you gonna outdrink these guys?

I'm not! You are!

No, no, me? I can't!

I've been on the wagon for three weeks!

It just hit a bump. Get in there.

No, no, no, listen. One more week and I get a chip.

Listen, you talked me into this, now get in there!

- No, no, no, you can't make me! - Take one for the team!

- No, no, no! - For the team!

Look, they're gonna make us drink against somebody's father.

"Father"?

Well, I must be yours.

'Cause I've been "notching" your mother.

Ooh!

Crowd: Ooh!

♪ ♪

(inaudible)

Woman: All right!

Man: Whoo! Look at that.

(woman laughs)

(crowd cheering and applause)

(crowd cheers)

Tequila makes me thirsty.

Somebody get me a beer.

And somebody call my sponsor.

(cheers and applause)

Losers!

Well, something has to be done about her hair.

I mean, we have to curl it,

or cut it, shag it, or shape it.

And these breasts. Are we married to them?

We're gonna play on colored sand in indoor arenas.

Jade, neon, cherry-cherry.

Call it the Catalina Tropic or Hobie Tour! Sell off signage!

Introduce players with a laser show.

Concerts afterwards.

Now, Sally and Lisa, Rack and Urch, are gonna be our flagship teams.

I'm gonna get "Cosmo," "Elle," "GQ."

Every fashion mag out there shooting. What do you think?

I think that your penises have overpowered your brain,

and taken common sense hostage.

Now, in Kirby's case, I can understand

the brain not putting up a fight.

But you, Arliss?

Sinking your money into something like this.

Commissioner Carlisle, could I see you for a minute?

Commissioner Carlisle?

It's a decorative title.

He doesn't do anything.

It's sort of like the Queen of England,

or the General Manager of the Yankees.

Now, the entire makeover's going to cost $50,000.

Not including pictures.

But I've got Leibovitz to do the photo layout.

- Annie? - Uh, no, her cousin, Kurt.

He gets $10,000 a day,

but he uses very little light.

Approved.

Okay, you got a cheesecake flying circus.

So, what? I see a lot of money going out,

but where's it coming in from?

♪ CBS ♪

♪ Welcome home ♪

Arliss: Les...

Beach volleyball was huge in the Olympics.

120 million people tuned in.

120 million people tuned in to synchronized swimming.

It doesn't mean it's gonna beat "Seinfeld."

Oh, Les, come on! What have you got to lose?

CBS hasn't had a hit show on Thursday night

since Buddy Ebsen retired!

What are you talking about?

"Murder, She Wrote," "Diagnosis: Murder," doing very well.

Oh, Les, come on!

Nothing against Angela Lansbury and Dick Van Dyke,

but between the two of 'em, there's nobody left to kill!

So the answer is beach volleyball?

It's counter-programming.

Look, this NBC "Must See" stuff is totally overrated.

"Seinfeld." Good show, I'll give you,

but "Single Guy,"

"Caroline in the City"?

- What about "Friends"? - That's the most overrated!

It's annoying. It's cloying.

You do know I had a little something to do

with the development of that show.

You didn't let me finish!

Look, what do all these NBC comedies have in common?

They're in the top ten?

No, no, no!

They're all about a bunch of good-looking people

sitting around indoors fully-clothed.

So?

So I give you...

counter-programming.

Tell me they won't get your audience

to stick around for Letterman.

And, Les, you do know,

if you don't jump on this,

FOX will.

Okay, I need two things.

An umbrella sponsor that I can sell to my sales guys.

- Fine. - And two, I need your stars.

Give me a couple of your superstars, you got a deal.

Great! Now let me ask you a question.

Do you ever think about bringing back "Mannix"?

When you said you had an opportunity for me,

I thought we were finally going to open up

Cecil Fielder's Grand Slam Burgers.

Cecil, would you rather go to work

and see two greasy fry cooks,

or come to the beach and see two greased mega-babes?

You got a point.

Set.

Oops!

I think that's out.

Yeah, and the idea in this game

is to keep the ball in the ball park.

Oh.

Arliss Michaels' office.

(phone ringing)

Please hold for Commissioner Carlisle.

- Hey, Rita. - Where are you?

The commissioner's office.

Listen, Rita, I need you to get Stanley

to cut a deposit check

to the Poggi-Tozi Sand Company.

They've, uh, sent us some samples.

You do it. I don't work for you.

(giggles)

What was that?

My, um, screen saver.

- (phone rings) - Hold on.

Arliss Michaels' office.

One moment, please.

Rita, what is this $7,000 bill for Rack's aromatherapy?

Michael Armstrong, line two.

Oh, what does this prick want?

Hello! How's the man with the wooden handshake?

(chuckling) Oh, now, Arliss.

You're not still bitter because we bought jerky

instead of your little boutique, are you?

No, no, no, no. Why should I be bitter

cause you reneged on a $54 million deal?

Good! Because I understand

you're talking to CBS about a little, uh...

volleyball tour.

That's right.

Cute idea.

We had something in the works along those lines ourselves.

You probably stole the idea from us, huh?

I didn't steal it from you,

and you're not clever enough to think of it on your own, so get off of my wave!

Now, now, let's not get all pissy.

Concorde Pro Management was going to make a generous offer

to buy you off of that tour.

(chuckling) Save your breath!

There is no way I would consider selling it to you.

What are you offering?

We take over everything including your expenses,

and give you a two million dollar buyout.

Are you kidding?!

Two million dollars for all the work I put into this?

Rita, how long have I been working on this project?

Eleven days.

Two and a half years!

And you offer me two million dollars?

Shame on you! Shame on you!

Make it ten, and we can close.

(chuckles) There you go again.

Greed. Two million is as high as I can go.

Well, then, we have nothing to talk about.

Ooh! Can I feel your muscles?

Strong man!

Big bill.

$10,000 for aura cleansing?

Aura cleansing?

What is with these people?

Kurt: Beautiful. This is the shot.

Look in the lens.

Right here. Make love to the lens, guys.

Give me some fire. Give me some ice.

Come on now.

A little less fire. A little more ice.

- Perfect. Perfect. We've got it. - Great.

So where are, uh, Urch and what's her name?

Lisa's practicing and Urch hurt his foot.

We had a game at Redondo.

He stepped on a petrified kelp pod.

A petrified kelp pod?

Petrified kelp, rotator cuffs.

'60s aluminum flip-tops.

Career killers.

Is this serious?

Fifteen stitches, but he'll be cool.

Urch has tremendous nad.

Arliss, please.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Can you step out of the way?

Okay, feel the seashore.

I wanna see the sand!

Arliss, they are incredible.

- I definitely see the potential. - Sure!

But a suntan lotion company sponsoring indoor volleyball?

Catalina Tropics self-tanning bronzing gel.

Indoor pro-beach tour.

Here's how it works:

you hand out free samples at the door.

People watch, get bronzed,

and buy your product as they walk out.

What's not to like?

What's in it for you?

A piece of the concessions at the gate

and the network advertising.

Ooh, you are amazing.

But then, so are Sally and Rack.

All right. I'll huddle with my people about the tour.

You don't close with anybody until you talk to us last.

Great!

Now, the only thing, her name isn't Sally anymore.

Lisa: Excuse me!

We had a practice!

I'm not finished here.

Look, volleyball player formerly known as Sally,

if you're not serious about the game,

I'm gonna find a new partner!

(clears throat) Lisa, Slasha!

Uh, have you met our new sponsor?

New partner? Go ahead.

See how much media attention you get without me.

See how much media attention you get

when you don't qualify for the tournaments.

Fine!

Chick fight! Dig it.

You're on your own.

I'll get, uh, Slasha a new partner.

No problem.

♪ ♪

Luscious Liz Masakayan.

How's the baroness of the beach set?

Forget it, Arliss!

I'm not playing with Slasha or whatever her name is.

Now how do you know that's what I came all the way down here

just to see you for?

You're wasting your time.

I'd partner with you before I'd partner with her.

Except you haven't seen me in a thong bikini.

Liz, listen, I think together you and Slasha'd become

one of the great teams of all time.

Like Butch and Sundance, Batman and Robin, Bruce and Demi!

Ball and chain? No way, Arliss.

Look, it's one thing that Sally McGuinness

has cement feet on the sand.

It's another thing she's a king-sized pain in the ass!

So you'll think about it?

I'm trying to practice here. Can you get off the court?

It's a public beach.

I win!

No, that's a four and a six.

You can't... you can't put...

No, you gotta flip one. You don't have it.

So, this is the Commissioner's Office, huh?

Arliss, great to see you.

Chuck, two Commissioner Cocktails

and hold my calls.

(sighs) We got some bad news.

Urch when ballistic when he hurt his foot,

and demolished the bathroom here.

AMM's gotta pay for it.

Aw, man. I don't need this today!

Lisa and Slasha broke up.

We can't have that.

Yeah, well, we do.

No, this office can't have that!

That's a violation of, um,

Section Five, Paragraph Six

of the WIBF bylaws.

You know, it's too late for Slasha

to join the tour with a new partner.

The filing deadline was yesterday!

So change the deadline.

Get new by-laws.

That would be abusing the power of my office.

And it's not in the best interest of volleyball.

Who made you the god of volleyball?

Uh, you did.

Well, guess what. The owners elect the commissioner.

Since I am the only owner so far,

then I can vote one to nothing to have you impeached!

You wouldn't do that.

(slurping)

Would you?

Yo, Arliss.

How do you get service in restaurants?

You order.

Arliss: Slasha...

the Catalina Tropic people are getting a little uneasy.

They won't sponsor the tour unless you find a partner.

Sally: Well, I won't have any problem finding a new teammate.

Arliss: Well, one would think,

but it seems that your style is suited

for something a little bit more...

you know, a different type of partner.

Someone who can jump a little higher in the sand,

and spike the ball and maybe serve.

Sally: Are you saying that I can't play the game?

- No, no, no. - Who then! Who said this?

Everybody else!

Well, they're jealous.

They're jealous that I'm on magazine covers

and that I'm getting offers from Bausch and Lomb,

and the E! Channel.

Let me just set this one up for you and then duck.

Would you entertain the idea of re-teaming with Lisa?

Not if she were the last player on Earth.

Well, Slasha, I believe she is.

You think Tommy Hilfiger puts up with this?

I just need you to go to the bank and get some cash!

Poggi-Tozi don't take checks!

Well, did you step on some petrified kelp?

Go walk over there yourself!

I have a meeting.

You know, I'm sick of you not giving me the respect

worthy of my title.

He balled his fist!

Children! Please.

Arliss, God, I'm glad you're here.

(growls)

What's he been doing? Making wine?

No. Yesterday, we were at a sand company

testing out the color and texture

of some Key West Coral

and the dye they used, apparently

infected the cut he got from the petrified kelp.

And as it turns out,

it's sort of... permanent.

(nervous laugh)

Oh, good.

Yeah, the next 36 hours are really critical

according to the doctors.

Or what?

They may have to amputate.

His foot?

Shhh! No, no, no.

His right toe. The big one.

- (screams) - Sorry.

Oh, this is great. I can't catch a break.

Take him home.

I would, but a transient set fire to his trailer.

Another $67,000 in volleyball invoices.

Another $67,000?

And the Catalina Tropic people are on their way over.

Arliss, you're not paying me enough to work for you,

and the village idiot.

Oh, what's the matter? Falling behind in your "Vogue" reading?

Tell her to go to the bank and get me $5,000 in $100 bills.

Another $5,000? For what?

For Poggi and Tozi.

For research and development!

(scoffs) Of colored sand!

That's toxic and indelible?

You've gotta be kidding.

I'm not paying those guys dick.

(pounding at door)

(Poggi and Tozi growl)

Rita, would you get petty cash, please?

Where is Slasha?

She's always late.

Can he jump without a big toe?

Hell, he could never jump with a big toe.

(laughs) Concur!

Okay, well, we have to get going.

She'll have to meet us at CBS. Come on. Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, time out, Arlo.

I noticed where the end of the tour

conflicts with the big wave season.

Yeah, so?

So, me and Urch haven't missed

the Banzai Pipeline in, like, ten years,

and I don't think we're starting now!

Deal breaker!

Is he serious?

Of course not!

(whispers) Is he serious?

Uh, when it comes to surfing, Urch is very serious.

(door opens)

Sorry, everyone!

Traffic. Kisses. (kissing)

Kisses!

Oh. My. God.

Ay Caramba!

People! I have something really, really sad to tell you.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry,

but star athletes cry when they retire, don't they?

I mean, I see it on ESPN all the time.

"Retire"?

I'm hanging 'em up.

Well, actually, that's not right. We play barefoot,

but you know what I mean.

What a flake! I can't believe you made me get back with her!

What about the tour?

You know, you're walking away from a lot of money.

Not really. I mean, I'm walking away from a lot of money

to just gobs and gobs of money!

I just signed with Elite Modeling Agency!

You signed with a modeling agency?

Oh, and that's another thing.

You know that brew deal you signed Urch and me up to?

Corona!

What's wrong? The 12 cases didn't arrive by breakfast?

No, it's just, I only drink Bud!

That's my brand.

I can't wear the Corona logo!

- No, you can't... - I'd be, like, lying to the American people.

'Cause I'm a Bud Man!

Deal breaker!

Liz Masakayan, she'd sign with Lisa!

- Lisa: I'd play with her. - Great. What's she look like?

Rita.

Get me Mike Armstrong.

Oh, oh, oh! Guess what my first gig is?

The "S.I." swimsuit issue.

Woo-hoo!

Finally, I can relax on the beach

instead of running around on it.

Yeah? And since when have you run around on the beach?

You're jealous.

You've always been jealous of me.

$300,000? Last week, you offered me two million!

You have to figure in depreciation, Arliss.

Do you know how long I've been working on this project?

Rita, how long have I been working on this project?

Fifteen days.

Three and a half years I've been working on this!

Fine, then.

Go somewhere else.

Arliss, you don't mind if I fire up the bong?

It has, like, medicinal value for my partner.

Sold to the man with the wooden handshake for $300,000!

Arliss! How am I supposed to sell this?

A stoned three-legged men's team and a divorced women's team!

I'm gonna be late for my colonic.

Fine. Let me break the seal!

Sally: Bitch! How dare you!

Girls. Girls.

(Sally and Lisa arguing)

Chick fight.

- (bong bubbling) - Dig it.

(indistinct shouting continues)

Arliss, do me a favor?

Please get your great idea off my floor.

Arliss (narrating): When riding the wave of success,

it's important to know when to jump off.

You want to get the maximum from your ride, and then bail

before the tube collapses.

Crushing your spirit and your will to live.

Because timing is everything.

(sucking, burps)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

Cool?

(surf music playing)