Original subtitles

Ricky Boze, king of the closers.

- Hey Arliss, how you doing? - Pretty good, man.

You mind if I talk to my man Lieberthal down there for a while?

Yeah. Would you mind grabbing a bat and standing in for me?

Arliss (narrating): I'm proud to say that my client base is multi-national,

multi-ethnic, and multi-racial.

However, unlike some agents,

I would never exploit their heritage.

Listen, uh, Mike, you are the only Jewish ball player in the major leagues.

I want you to think about this year

sitting out Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

- Just not playing the games. - I'm not a religious ball player.

Yeah, well, we're really not talking about religion, Mike.

We're talking about marketing.

I've got firm offers from El-Al Airlines,

Manischewitz and Hebrew National Franks

for you to be their spokesman.

Now, listen, Mike. Look at it... look at it this way.

I see a unique opportunity here.

You know, how many Jewish sports heroes are there?

We've got Sandy Koufax,

before that Hank Greenberg, and before that, David.

That's goin' back a while.

What about Moses Malone?

Any... anyway, I want you to think about it,

but if nothing else goes,

what do you think about this?

- Huh? Huh? - Arliss, get outta here.

I got the slogan. "Mike's a mensch." Huh?

♪ ♪

Arliss (narrating): For most of us,

the dream of becoming a champion

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them.

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ Don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Arliss (narrating): People ask what the toughest part of my job is.

Unquestionably, dealing with the media.

They can ride you to fame or fortune,

or leave you in the bottom of a hole.

However, I try to be accommodating.

Excuse me, Mr. Michaels?

- Yes? - Hi, Greg Reem with the Los Angeles Voice.

- Mm-hmm. - Freelancing.

And you want to interview one of my clients.

Well, normally, we don't talk to papers

you get free at laundromats.

Well, wait, no, Mr. Michaels.

Actually, I want to do the feature on you.

Unless it's the LA Voice.

Walk with me.

What was your name? Roam?

Reem.

Let me tell ya something about the world of the sports agent.

It's not all fun and games like it looks.

Next on the tee...

perennial all-star first baseman...

Will Clark!

(applause)

Arliss: Let's go, Thrill!

(crowd gasps, applauds)

- Eh... - Not bad.

Not bad? Brings a tear to a glass eye.

Golf Barker: Next on the tee...

all-star record-setting reliever

of the Chicago Cubs...

Trevor Heath!

(applause)

Ooh! Not bad!

Not bad?

If I hit that any further, it'd be driving Miss Daisy.

Hey, Trevor?

Are you still represented by your lawyer?

I fired him. I represent myself.

Figure if I'm gonna give half my income to the government,

why do I wanna give 10% to some agent or some lawyer?

Well, I get 5%,

but I can increase your income by 40.

Do the math.

Golf Barker: Next on the tee...

sports agent extraordinaire

Arliss Michaels!

(applause)

(crowd applauds)

Ooh! Nice shot, Arliss.

You sandbagger!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh, that felt good.

It felt good.

Next on the tee...

Oh! Excuse me.

Former all-American quarterback,

and local tavern favorite...

Kirby Carlisle!

(laughter and applause)

Early night?

Everything's comped.

(ball whizzing)

- (woman screams) - Crowd: Ooh!

(body thuds)

Hey, Will, let me ask you a question.

How'd you do against Trevor

when you were in the National League?

Toughest pitcher I've ever faced.

But at least I was consistent against him.

I was seven times up. Seven strike outs.

Yeah, but you killed us in the playoffs in '89.

Batted about .500 against us.

- It was .650. - Ooh!

Arliss, who's the toughest pitcher you've ever faced?

Neddy Gepp.

Pitched Wiffle ball for the Jaboos of South Street.

None of you pussies would've touched him.

I took him deep!

(guys laughing)

Golf Barker: Next on the tee...

former all-American running back from USC,

former Heisman trophy winner,

actor, and Hall-of-Fame running back from the Buffalo Bills...

♪ ♪

Kirby: The art of eating a jelly donut

is sucking the jelly out first.

(sucking)

Oh. Oral sex!

No, man. You gotta eat the jelly

and the dough together

to appreciate the flavor.

You're missing the essence.

Are we all set with Trevor Heath?

Yeah, he's expecting you and Kirby

up at his ranch in Oroville tomorrow night.

Yes! We are looking at a possible $20 million client, sister.

And he wants his client agreement set up

so he can take a look at it before you guys get up there.

I like that. Look, I hate to interrupt your shopping,

but could you Fed-Ex the contracts?

Like, now?

Like, okay!

(slurping)

Oh, hey! Hey, careful, Nate.

Every pound over the weight limit

costs you $1,000.

So think, "Bearclaw: $100."

"Eclair: $250."

Okay, I just got off the phone with Jerry.

Here's what he's got to say.

Oh my God.

In order to fit under the salary cap,

Jerry wants to restructure your contract.

Instead of paying you $2 million over the next two years,

he wants to pay you $250,000 over the next 12.

He's putting me on lay-away?

All because of Deion? Damn!

Sorry to interrupt, but there's something I have to show you...

in your office.

Can it wait?

I'm afraid not.

Oh, that!

Well, why don't you just read me the parts

that tell me how great I am?

Mind if I read it to you in your office?

Excuse me, Nate. This will just take a moment.

What?

"Arliss fondly recollects his youth

"in the mean streets of Newark.

"'Ever since I was a kid in the neighborhood,

"'playing ball against the Jaboos,

I knew one way or other that my destiny lay in sports.'"

Yeah. So?

Oh! Well, let me continue.

"Ironic musings for a man

"whose Mercedes and Gulfstream jet

were largely paid for by the sweat and toil of his black clients."

What?!

That's outrageous!

I make money off of the sweat and toil of all my clients!

I was at the car wash this morning!

I thought this might make nice reading to pass the time.

But it made me sick.

Not only me, but my fellow "Jaboo" brother...

who was getting his BMW detailed.

Wait a minute.

Do you think that "jaboo" is racist?

Well, I've never heard it before,

but then again, you guys mint new words for us every day, don't you?

"Jaboos of South Street" was the name of the liquor store

that sponsored the Wiffle ball team

I played against when I was a kid!

Hell, they weren't even black!

Oh, come on!

Look at me. Look at this face.

Is this the face of a racist?

No.

Sexist, maybe.

Stanley?

Didn't sound like you.

Because it isn't me!

Oh, forget about this rag.

Come on. Let's everybody get back to work.

Okay, so we believe you.

- What about the public? - The public? Nobody reads this handout!

Reporter: There he is! Go!

Move! Move!

Arliss Michaels, any comment on your racial slurs

- in the LA Voice? - Call security!

No, no, no. This is an invasion of privacy.

Are you the token minority at Arliss Michaels Management?

What?! I'm offended by that!

- Security. No, no, no! - Miss!

(enunciating) Are you legal?

- Do you have a green card? - I beg your pardon!

We're trying to help you!

- We're here to help... ow. - Get out! Get out! Get out!

When's lunch?

(door opens)

Nate, I'm gonna have to postpone our meeting.

An emergency just came up.

That's okay. I'm here all week.

We can do this tomorrow.

Fine. Let me walk you out.

Hey, hey! What are you, on Slim-Fast?

What are you down to now? 320? 310?

Hey, man, I'll follow you anywhere.

Oh, look!

(laughs) Hi, guys.

Question is, are today's sports agents

really like modern-day plantation owners?

We're talking, of course, of the Arliss Michaels incident.

Joining us now, Ice T...

Did you folks hear this? President Clinton is finally sending an emissary

to deal with the church burnings in the South.

- (applause on TV) - That's right, yeah.

Yeah, unfortunately, he's sending Arliss Michaels.

(laughter)

(mocking laugh)

What's with this cat Arliss Michaels, huh?

This guy makes Mark Fuhrman

look like Al Sharpton's medallion caddie.

It's like the Ebola virus with no cure in sight.

This is horseshit. Bernie, you're my lawyer.

Who can I sue?

Aren't you innocent until proven guilty?

No, no, you're confusing the law with journalism here.

Have we found anyone who will back up my story?

I found a teammate of yours who remembers a Jaboo Liquors.

Uh, a man named Sammy Gianelli.

Sammy G! Sammy G! Yes!

Get a statement!

Finally! A ray of sunshine!

Eclipsed by a thunder cloud.

Riddick Bowe just called. He wants out.

So do Nick Van Exel and Rodney Peete.

All of my black clients are now leaving me,

because of this bogus story!

Uh, your white and Hispanic clients, too.

Harris Barton, Pudge Rodriguez...

Alright, alright, the crisis needle's hugging red here.

You're gonna have to issue an apology.

An apology?!

Yeah. You give 'em one of those

"I'm sorry if I've offended anyone."

There's no way I'm gonna apologize for something I didn't do!

There's not a racist bone in my body!

Cheese Nip?

Oh, come on!

- Come on! - I think we're beyond apologies.

We need to make a public gesture of goodwill.

Set up some sort of foundation.

A college scholarship fund.

A foundation?

That's gonna cost me money.

Yes! It costs you money, so it won't cost you "money."

Get me Charley Steiner.

Foundation.

(scoffs)

Arliss! Hey, man, how you doing?

Fine! Excellent! Shitty!

Yeah, I can imagine. What can I do to help?

Charley, I want to go on the air with you

and tell my side of the story.

Bump Payne Stewart!

Great, no problem.

You can be on the air live with me in my studio tonight.

Tonight? Uh, could you hold one second?

- He wants me to go on tonight. - Great!

Oh, tonight? We're supposed to go up to see Trevor!

- I'm all packed. - I know, but this is more important.

Rita, call Trevor. Tell him we have to postpone.

More important, he may be the only client we have left!

Kirby, what do you want me to do? I gotta stop the bleeding!

Charley, tonight's great!

Arliss, understand this.

I'm gonna be tough, but I'll be fair.

I wouldn't expect anything less.

- Arliss? - One second.

Trevor says he has a friend at a local TV station.

You could do a feed from there.

Charley, could we do the hook up

from a TV station in Northern California?

Doesn't sound like a problem.

Great! You've got yourself an exclusive.

- See you tonight! - We're gonna be able to make this work.

Now, I can relax.

♪ Old mountain home ♪

♪ The Lord shines upon you ♪

♪ And your rugged peaks... ♪

Arliss: No reporters.

No cameraman. Nobody in your face.

I could see myself living up here.

Yeah. No ESPN.

500 miles from your country club.

Wild animals everywhere.

You're gonna live here? Right.

- Arliss, I appreciate you coming up here. - Oh.

If you're gonna take five percent of my income,

I want to look you in the eye when I shake your hand.

Well, then, what do you say we sign those contracts?

- Have ourselves a little celebration? - What contracts?

The contracts. The client agreements.

I haven't received any contracts.

Uh, we had them overnighted.

Well, that explains it. Out here overnight mail takes two days.

I'm sure they'll arrive first thing tomorrow.

Good, good. Listen, it'll give us a chance to hunt, fish,

you know, get to know each other a bit better.

♪ And the coonskin hunters stalk their prey at night ♪

♪ Shotgun house with a hard dirt floor ♪

We have never had a person of your persuasion

sit for dinner with us before.

My persuasion?

An agent.

Oh! (laughing)

Trevor just likes being in control.

Don't ya, hun?

The Cubs tried to make me a starter.

I said uh-uh. I'm a closer.

Last line of defense.

When I'm on a mound, game on the line,

it's just me and the batter.

And that batter is not gonna take the game away from me.

Nobody takes what's mine away from me.

And that's what makes you the best in the business.

- See, I got plans. I got opportun... - (crow cawing)

Shh!

- What? - (crow continues)

That crow.

What about him?

Predatory little bastard's been swooping down,

scaring the hell out of the kids.

Well, maybe he just wants to see what member of the family we just ate.

Trevor: Hold still.

Just one...

(gun cocks)

more...

- Kirby's in there. - Second.

No, no, no! Kirby's in there!

(gunshot)

Jesus Christ! What the fuck is going...?

Missed him. Damn it!

You fucking maniac!

(sighs heavily)

Hey! Look at the time!

We gotta get to the TV studio.

Uh, here we go.

- Bill: Hey! - Bill. Bill Paul, Arliss Michaels.

- Nice to meet you! - You, too.

Listen, we've got you set up right over here.

I hope this chair's gonna be alright for ya.

You've got a live feed going out to Bristol,

and Derek here'll set a mike up on you.

And I want you to know something.

It's a real pleasure to have you with us here today.

- Do I need make-up? - (laughs) Make-up!

That's funny.

(all laughing)

Stage Manager: Thirty seconds.

Kirby, I look alright?

- Good. - Sure I don't need make-up?

No, no, no. You're perfect.

Maybe a little bit around the eyes?

You're fine.

Stage Manager: Fifteen seconds!

(breathing deeply)

(chokes)

- Arliss! - On the bell, people.

(bell rings)

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I can't have that behind me!

- Why not? - Well, hey, I'm all for free speech,

But, you know, some people might misinterpret the message.

You know how the media is.

Yeah, fuck the media!

They're just a bunch of New York fags

who celebrate weird holidays.

- Yeah, but consider... consider... - Listen to me.

Reason I'm gonna sign with you is 'cause

you didn't back down from that article.

You didn't apologize!

You're not afraid to call a spade "a spade."

Bill: Ready, people!

Five, four...

- Kirby? - Three, two...

Where there are multi-millionaire athletes,

inevitably, there are the multi-millionaire agents.

Tonight, my guest is one of them.

We've had the Al Campanis affair,

the Billy Packer controversy, Jimmy the Greek.

- Now, it's the Arliss Michaels incident. - Kirby.

He's a natural.

Charley: Is Arliss Michaels a good agent doing his job?

Or is he a five percent racist?

Well, Arliss, are you a racist?

(buzzing)

(static)

Arliss? Arliss?

We appear to have lost Arliss Michaels.

Oh, shit. I was just getting going.

I could tell.

It was a set-up.

Listen, I've got to get back to L.A.

- Kirby'll stay and wait for those contracts. - Me?

- You don't mind, do you, Trevor? - Sure.

Me and Kirby'll do some hunting in the morning.

Won't we?

(reporters clamoring)

No comment, no comment, no comment.

(arguing indistinctly)

It's okay! Easy!

Bad night?

I'm telling ya, ten more seconds and this firm was history.

- And you still want to represent this guy? - Hell, yes!

So what if he's nuts? I'm a sports agent.

If I eliminated all lunatics,

I'd have no client base at all.

I can't believe you left Kirby up there alone.

Hey, hey, at least with Kirby there,

I know everything's gonna stay right on target.

(arrows twanging)

You, uh, use a crossbow much?

Well, you gotta be pretty experienced to handle one of these things.

You know, you just look at it wrong and it'll go off.

Knock a moose right off its feet.

(chuckles)

(laughs nervously)

- Wanna try? - No, thanks.

I'll stick to the old-fashioned shotgun.

Trevor! Kirby! The contracts arrived!

Just a second. I'll be right back.

Okay.

(crow cawing)

Okay, crow.

This is it.

- (gunshot) - (crow shrieks)

- Got him! - (wings flapping)

- (twang) - (arrow whizzing)

(Trevor screaming)

So, what's the upside of signing him?

The upside is five percent of a $20 million contract.

Yeah, but I really don't think we should be doing this.

Would you rather he give his money to the United Uzi Way?

Or the Junior Goosesteppers of America?

(phone rings)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Yeah, okay, hold on.

It's Kirby.

Kirby, Kirby! Did he sign?

As a matter of fact, he didn't.

Uh, there's something wrong with his writing hand.

What do you mean?

Uh, um, I mean, um...

(groaning in pain)

I mean, I don't think those free agent offers

are gonna be pouring in.

(sets receiver down)

Bad news?

Trevor shot himself with an arrow.

An arrow?

Oh.

So, what's the bad news?

Why are you punishing me?

I pledged. I gave!

Maybe it's time for an apology.

I will not apologize for something I didn't do!

No need for an apology.

And the truth shall save him!

From your long lost friend, Sammy Gianelli.

Now, the Jaboos were named after

the Jaboos Liquors on South Street.

And these guys had this big old fat guy named Franco Benetti.

And that sonuvabitch could hit a ball into the Hudson.

It's true.

The Jaboos were the best Wiffle ball team I ever seen play.

Those were great days.

I miss the old neighborhood.

Course now it's all full of moolies, spics and slopes.

But I don't mind them too much, at least they have good food.

Forget about the other people.

Moronskis, ragheads.

It's another country. I don't even know it anymore.

Now what?

♪ ♪

Today, we're not only here for

the building of the Arliss Michaels

Colors of the Rainbow Youth Center,

but to continue our understanding of each other.

Arliss (narrating): There are some who view the media

as a necessary evil.

A moody creature that forces people into doing things

they wouldn't ordinarily do.

Not me.

I see them as protectors of the public trust.

Freedom of the press is our most precious gift,

and frankly, I, for one,

would not have have it any other way.

(applause)

Thank you, Fred Williamson,

and thank all of you for being here.

With this dedication,

I am happy to finally put this incident behind us.

So that we can all come together,

and work on common ground for the greater good.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

And I wish to thank all of you for coming.

Councilman Lopez,

Rabbi Flender,

the Honorable Abdul Shabazz,

Deacon Delbert Henry,

Ravi,

and the Learned Elders of the Arapaho Nation.

I'm proud to have all of you here

as part of the Arliss Michaels'

Colors of the Rainbow Youth Foundation

and Scholarships Fund.

♪ ♪